bah, I meant to get this posted last night. But I got trapped on the
phone for two hours. And my studying is soo far behind.. *whine * On the
plus side, I've got angry music playing at high volume less than half a
meter from my ear. if that isn't inspiring of faster typing, I don't know
what is.
Soujiro had returned home earlier, still having failed to eat. His stomach was screaming at him, but he didn't care. Absently, he stared out at the dying garden, and watched the half moon pass slowly overhead.
Time crept by as the household fell asleep.
Soujiro tried to sleep as well, but oblivion refused to come. He tossed, and turned, and finally gave up. Eventually, he got up and went back to watching shadows move in the darkened courtyard. His father hadn't bothered to come home at all tonight. Soujiro wondered if the man even cared about his family at all. Did he know what kind of men his sons were growing up to be? Did he care? Soujiro's fists clenched in the dark. It was too late for him, too late by far-he felt that he was already twisted and warped beyond repair. But what about his younger brother? The boy was still young and innocent enough, Soujiro hoped, to have some possibility of mending; if only he wasn't allowed to take the same route Soujiro had-or that of their elder brother for that matter. Hopefully, it was not already too late.
"Why are we all so broken?" he wondered, "We who seem to have everything, in truth lack all the most important things."
Nevertheless, Soujiro was not capable of imagining himself to be anything other than he was-an unhappy, bitterly lonely, shell of a man.
It was with great surprise that he was jolted out of his despair by the ringing of the doorbell. Who the hell was crazy enough to be coming around at this hour of the night?
Grimacing, Soujiro stood up and stalked out to the entryway. He'd best get the door before whomever it as woke everyone up with their incessant ringing.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Soujiro muttered irritably, as he reached for the doorknob.
Opening the door, he was about to launch into an angry growl, "Go away! Can't you tell time?" when he realized who it was that stood before him.
He stopped in mid-sentence and stared, openmouthed..
"Tsukushi, what are you doing here?"
"I came to see how you were doing." she replied simply.
Soujiro was electrified into action. Angrily, he shouted. "Go away! I don't need your pity! Just leave me alone!" Swiftly, he made as though to slam the door in her face. It was for her own good after all. Didn't she know better than to hang around him by now?
Tsukushi was faster than he was. She jammed her foot in the door mere milliseconds before it slammed shut. "Ow!" she yelped as her foot got squashed.
"What do you think you're doing? Idiot!" If he was going to behave like this, she saw no reason not to yell. "You don't come to school! You look terrible! Did you think people wouldn't notice? I thought we were friends, and if you think I'm going to let one of my friends suffer by himself, then you're a bigger idiot than even Tsukasa!"
"What's wrong with you?" Soujiro shot back, "You're supposed to be angry with me. I don't want your pity!"
"Give it up, Soujiro. I'm not leaving until you tell me why you're so upset. Even if I have to stand here with my foot in the door all night." No one could out-stubborn Tsukushi when she was determined to do something. "Besides," she continued in a more reasonable tone of voice, "Why would I be angry with you? Have you done something I don't know about? I'm your friend. I care about you. can't you see that?" By now she was almost pleading; she hated to see anyone suffering.. (Though a bit guiltily, she wondered in the back of her mind, how Rui and Tsukasa were doing right now.)
Soujiro sighed and began to loosen his grip on the door.
"I'm the reason Tsukasa fought with you, remember? If it weren't for me, then everything would be fine between you two."
"What the hell are you babbling about? How can you be responsible for Tsukasa's behavior? Is it your fault the man's a jealous idiot? You give yourself too much credit!" Tsukushi laughed bitterly.
"But."
"But what?" Tsukushi continued, "That can't possibly be what's really bothering you. Are you going to let me in or not?" She gave the door another push, "My foot is Really starting to hurt.."
Soujiro looked down. Damn. He'd almost forgotten about that.
"You're not going to listen to reason are you?" he muttered
"Reason? You saying that you're reasonable?" Tsukushi mocked, "Just look at the state you're in!"
"Fine. I give up. You'd best come in before you wake up the whole house." Soujiro conceded at last, and slowly opened the door again.
Tsukushi gratefully stepped into the warm foyer. Critically, she looked Soujiro up and down. Yup. She'd been right. The boy simply looked awful.
"What?" Soujiro growled, unnerved by her appraisal.
"Did you eat today?" Tsukushi demanded.
"Ahh.. no."
"Idiot. You need food. Where's the kitchen?" Tsukushi imperiously took control of the situation, leaving an off-balance Soujiro to numbly obey her commands.
Turning, he led her through the maze of passages to a large, well appointed kitchen.
Tsukushi promptly made a beeline for the refrigerator and began to dig through its shelves, looking for something to feed the pale boy behind her.
"Don't you people have any left-overs?" she exclaimed in exasperation.
"Eh, I don't think they're saved," Soujiro shrugged. Why bother, when the servants could just whip up something new every night.
"Bloody rich people." Tsukushi muttered. She guessed she'd just have to cook, herself. Rolling up her sleeves, the small girl became a bundle of energy, ricocheting from counter to stove to cabinet and back again. In no time at all, she'd whipped up a very simple meal of miso soup and sticky rice with pickles. Soujiro simply watched, fascinated by her movements and her blithe unconcern for anything other than the task she'd set herself to.
"Eat." she ordered, setting the dishes on a table in front of Soujiro
Sighing, Tsukushi sank into a chair across from him and watched, hawk-like, as he reluctantly dug in. She had thought she was tired before. Now she was truly exhausted. She could hardly believe it was only Monday.
Silently, Tsukushi waited until Soujiro was done. After one bite, his stomach had reminded him just how hungry he was, and he'd eaten with a will, surprising even himself with the alacrity at which he consumed the humble fare.
"Good." Tsukushi exclaimed, feeling somewhat like a mother hen clucking over an errant chick. "Now are you ready to talk about it?"
"No." Soujiro mumbled, looking away again. Damnit, what right did the girl have to waltz in here like she belonged in this house? What right did she have to insinuate herself into his life-to meddle in his affairs? His subconscious mocked him all the same-You let her in, when you dared ask her about love, when you fell apart on her shoulder. What were you thinking? You utter fool. He had to shake this feeling. Had to get rid of her. "Come with me." Soujiro ordered, rising from his seat.
Turning his back, Soujiro retreated to his room. Tsukushi followed, trying as best she might, to keep up with his rapid pace. She wondered just what was going on.
Crossing the threshold of his room, Soujiro spun around abruptly, and grabbed Tsukushi by both shoulders, as if to shake her.
"Why did you come here?!" he demanded, "Why do you interfere where you're not wanted? What is it that you want from me? Is it this?" He savagely pulled Tsukushi closer and made as if to kiss her.
"No!" with more strength than he'd thought she'd possessed, Tsukushi flung him off. Soujiro stumbled back, and sat down on his bed, temporarily stunned into silence.
"If you're trying to scare me off, it won't work." Tsukushi said darkly, "Look at you; you need help. If you don't want to talk about it, then fine. But don't try to intimidate me." She'd coped with Tsukasa's moods before; she could handle Soujiro just fine.
"I don't want to talk about it, right now." Soujiro turned his back on Tsukushi, and in a deliberate attempt to ignore her piercing, soulful gaze, he curled up into a fetal ball, with his face turned towards the wall. Was he supposed to tell her that it was for her own good that he pushed her away? That he'd only cause her more pain? Selfishly, another faction warred within his head, reminding him how gentle her hands were, how comforting her presence, how soothing it was to lose oneself in her shimmering brown eyes. He wanted her to stay. He wanted her to go.
Tsukushi stood helplessly by the door. Soujiro looked lost in his own world. Locked into his internal battles-with what demons she did not know. Her heart went out to him, despite his harsh words and indifferent attitude. Hesitantly, she went over to him, knelt down next to his bed, and laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.
Soujiro tried again, "Why are you here? You know it'll just make Tsukasa mad if he finds you came here at this hour of night. Do you want to hurt him?"
Tsukushi sighed in exasperation. "Will you please shut up about Doumyouji!? He's got nothing to do with this! You keep saying that it's your fault he and I are fighting. But, you don't understand anything at all, do you? It has nothing to do with you. Nothing!"
Even Soujiro was surprised by the vehemence in her voice. And by the way her hand, still resting on his shoulder, unconsciously formed a fist.
Obeying an instinct he hadn't known he had, Soujiro rolled back over and gripped Tsukushi's hand in both of his. "Tell me about it." he said.
And, surprisingly, she did. Tsukushi had needed to ask for advice about Tsukasa for a long time, but her only real confidants were Yuki and Rui. Yuki had never really understood why Tsukushi and Tsukasa had such problems; after all - they were in love, right? So things should simply work themselves out. Tsukushi had long since stopped telling her about her growing frustrations. And Rui? Hah. She could hardly have told Tsukasa's chief rival her troubles.
"First off, you have to understand," she began, glancing down at the floor, "Tsukasa and I have been having problems for quite a while." Not just the obvious spats, that everyone had seen; or the feud with his mother; or the seemingly endless string of random men falling for Tsukushi, and girls hounding Tsukasa; but deeper issues, between just the two of them.
"He used to believe in me." Tsukushi sighed, "He used to believe I was capable of anything-you know, like when he made me compete in the Miss Teen of Japan contest. but at the same time, he wanted to protect me, to take care of me." Of course, Tsukushi had never wanted to be taken care of, as Soujiro well knew. She was and had always been the kind of girl who wanted to do everything her own way, even if it killed her. She was not above accepting help when she absolutely needed it, but being forced to take it when she didn't was unacceptable.
"He was trying to destroy my independence. I don't think he knew that's what he was doing. Nevertheless, he kept trying to force me to rely on him." If it had only been that, it might have been ok, but, "I think gradually, he began to believe that I couldn't function without him." Tsukushi looked up at Soujiro then bowed her head again
"Do you know how much that hurt? To know that he didn't trust me to make it on my own anymore? How could I believe in an 'us' when he didn't believe in me?"
Tsukushi gripped Soujiro's hand, as if it was her lifeline.
"I think that last fight was the final straw. I can hardly believe it was not even two weeks ago.
"Sex!" Tsukushi laughed bitterly, "Why are you men so obsessed about it? It was like he suddenly decided that if I didn't give him what he wanted, I didn't love him anymore? How stupid can you get? Ok, I thought maybe I could forgive him, maybe things could go back to the way they were if I just put some distance between us again. If I showed him that I really could still make it on my own. I was so wrong. You saw, last week, it just made him jealous. Suspicious of everyone, as if I would pick up someone else, just because he wasn't there to claim me at every moment.
"I am not a possession! I do not belong to anyone!
"Do you hear me, Nishikado Soujiro? Tsukasa does not own me. I make my own decisions. If I choose to come see my friends. It's my choice! So you can lay there and believe you're guilty of whatever sins you please, but don't you dare for one second think that Tsukasa's opinions have any relevance on whether or not I choose to talk to you. It's not your fault that he and I fought. It could have been over anyone or anything, but it was bound to happen."
Tsukushi was running out of steam, and she hadn't even started in on the issue of Tsukasa's complete lack of ability to communicate; how it was impossible to hold a s discussion with the man that didn't turn into a senseless shouting contest. How she hated not being able to sit down with him and talk things over, when they had a disagreement. Or how much it hurt when he insulted her for her poverty or lower-class habits and ways of thought. She missed him so much, but when she thought about it at all, she resented him, too. But she could not bring herself to continue; it was just too hard.
Instead, she merely leaned up against the edge of the bed, and wearily closed her eyes. Tentatively, Soujiro freed one of his hands from her death grip to gently stroke her back.
He should have known. He wasn't the only one with problems. Perhaps it was wrong of him, but just knowing that he was not alone in being miserable tonight, made him feel slightly better. Or perhaps it was that Tsukushi had alleviated some of his feelings of guilt for causing the rift between his friends. He wished he had something useful to say, but everything that came to mind seemed trite, cliched or false. How could he tell her that everything would be all right, when he didn't believe such a thing was possible? Really, all he could do was listen.
After a while, Tsukushi looked up again. "We're a mess, aren't we?" she smiled sadly,
"Yeah, I guess we are," Soujiro agreed.
"Are you going to yell at me again, now?"
"What for?"
"I was about to ask you again what was bothering you. Isn't that your cue to tell me to get out?" Tsukushi's small attempt at humor fell flat.
"Nah.." Soujiro sighed, and glanced over at where his fingers still entwined with hers, "Can't we just stay like this a while?" he tried to sound casual, but he couldn't hide the plea in his voice.
Tsukushi followed his gaze, as his other hand returned to cover their joined ones. She didn't know why, but somehow she was comfortable with this strange familiarity. It felt good to be needed, to be relied upon for something, no matter how small-not just wanted.
"Sure," she smiled gently. She wasn't sure which one of them was, at this moment, the comforter and which, the comforted.
Somehow, Soujiro felt a lessening of his loneliness, a retreat in the ocean of despair that lapped at his soul so frequently. He was somewhat embarrassed by his newfound dependence upon Tsukushi to bring him peace, but despite his jagged edges, she didn't seem to mind. A small smile played upon his lips as, without noticing, Soujiro slipped into the first restful sleep he'd had all week.
Tsukushi remained kneeling next to the bed, some minutes more, until she was quite sure the boy had fallen asleep. She still didn't know what was wrong with him, but at least she'd managed to get some food into him. And he did seem to be sleeping deeply. It was all she could do for now. With an exhausted sigh, Tsukushi disentangled her hand from his loosened grip and came to her feet. Right now, she was ready to collapse. Instead, she silently crept out the door, and finding her way through the darkened halls, at last made her way back out to the front door. Donning her coat, she headed back out into the night. She couldn't wait to get home and collapse on her own futon.
To be continued.
Soujiro had returned home earlier, still having failed to eat. His stomach was screaming at him, but he didn't care. Absently, he stared out at the dying garden, and watched the half moon pass slowly overhead.
Time crept by as the household fell asleep.
Soujiro tried to sleep as well, but oblivion refused to come. He tossed, and turned, and finally gave up. Eventually, he got up and went back to watching shadows move in the darkened courtyard. His father hadn't bothered to come home at all tonight. Soujiro wondered if the man even cared about his family at all. Did he know what kind of men his sons were growing up to be? Did he care? Soujiro's fists clenched in the dark. It was too late for him, too late by far-he felt that he was already twisted and warped beyond repair. But what about his younger brother? The boy was still young and innocent enough, Soujiro hoped, to have some possibility of mending; if only he wasn't allowed to take the same route Soujiro had-or that of their elder brother for that matter. Hopefully, it was not already too late.
"Why are we all so broken?" he wondered, "We who seem to have everything, in truth lack all the most important things."
Nevertheless, Soujiro was not capable of imagining himself to be anything other than he was-an unhappy, bitterly lonely, shell of a man.
It was with great surprise that he was jolted out of his despair by the ringing of the doorbell. Who the hell was crazy enough to be coming around at this hour of the night?
Grimacing, Soujiro stood up and stalked out to the entryway. He'd best get the door before whomever it as woke everyone up with their incessant ringing.
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Soujiro muttered irritably, as he reached for the doorknob.
Opening the door, he was about to launch into an angry growl, "Go away! Can't you tell time?" when he realized who it was that stood before him.
He stopped in mid-sentence and stared, openmouthed..
"Tsukushi, what are you doing here?"
"I came to see how you were doing." she replied simply.
Soujiro was electrified into action. Angrily, he shouted. "Go away! I don't need your pity! Just leave me alone!" Swiftly, he made as though to slam the door in her face. It was for her own good after all. Didn't she know better than to hang around him by now?
Tsukushi was faster than he was. She jammed her foot in the door mere milliseconds before it slammed shut. "Ow!" she yelped as her foot got squashed.
"What do you think you're doing? Idiot!" If he was going to behave like this, she saw no reason not to yell. "You don't come to school! You look terrible! Did you think people wouldn't notice? I thought we were friends, and if you think I'm going to let one of my friends suffer by himself, then you're a bigger idiot than even Tsukasa!"
"What's wrong with you?" Soujiro shot back, "You're supposed to be angry with me. I don't want your pity!"
"Give it up, Soujiro. I'm not leaving until you tell me why you're so upset. Even if I have to stand here with my foot in the door all night." No one could out-stubborn Tsukushi when she was determined to do something. "Besides," she continued in a more reasonable tone of voice, "Why would I be angry with you? Have you done something I don't know about? I'm your friend. I care about you. can't you see that?" By now she was almost pleading; she hated to see anyone suffering.. (Though a bit guiltily, she wondered in the back of her mind, how Rui and Tsukasa were doing right now.)
Soujiro sighed and began to loosen his grip on the door.
"I'm the reason Tsukasa fought with you, remember? If it weren't for me, then everything would be fine between you two."
"What the hell are you babbling about? How can you be responsible for Tsukasa's behavior? Is it your fault the man's a jealous idiot? You give yourself too much credit!" Tsukushi laughed bitterly.
"But."
"But what?" Tsukushi continued, "That can't possibly be what's really bothering you. Are you going to let me in or not?" She gave the door another push, "My foot is Really starting to hurt.."
Soujiro looked down. Damn. He'd almost forgotten about that.
"You're not going to listen to reason are you?" he muttered
"Reason? You saying that you're reasonable?" Tsukushi mocked, "Just look at the state you're in!"
"Fine. I give up. You'd best come in before you wake up the whole house." Soujiro conceded at last, and slowly opened the door again.
Tsukushi gratefully stepped into the warm foyer. Critically, she looked Soujiro up and down. Yup. She'd been right. The boy simply looked awful.
"What?" Soujiro growled, unnerved by her appraisal.
"Did you eat today?" Tsukushi demanded.
"Ahh.. no."
"Idiot. You need food. Where's the kitchen?" Tsukushi imperiously took control of the situation, leaving an off-balance Soujiro to numbly obey her commands.
Turning, he led her through the maze of passages to a large, well appointed kitchen.
Tsukushi promptly made a beeline for the refrigerator and began to dig through its shelves, looking for something to feed the pale boy behind her.
"Don't you people have any left-overs?" she exclaimed in exasperation.
"Eh, I don't think they're saved," Soujiro shrugged. Why bother, when the servants could just whip up something new every night.
"Bloody rich people." Tsukushi muttered. She guessed she'd just have to cook, herself. Rolling up her sleeves, the small girl became a bundle of energy, ricocheting from counter to stove to cabinet and back again. In no time at all, she'd whipped up a very simple meal of miso soup and sticky rice with pickles. Soujiro simply watched, fascinated by her movements and her blithe unconcern for anything other than the task she'd set herself to.
"Eat." she ordered, setting the dishes on a table in front of Soujiro
Sighing, Tsukushi sank into a chair across from him and watched, hawk-like, as he reluctantly dug in. She had thought she was tired before. Now she was truly exhausted. She could hardly believe it was only Monday.
Silently, Tsukushi waited until Soujiro was done. After one bite, his stomach had reminded him just how hungry he was, and he'd eaten with a will, surprising even himself with the alacrity at which he consumed the humble fare.
"Good." Tsukushi exclaimed, feeling somewhat like a mother hen clucking over an errant chick. "Now are you ready to talk about it?"
"No." Soujiro mumbled, looking away again. Damnit, what right did the girl have to waltz in here like she belonged in this house? What right did she have to insinuate herself into his life-to meddle in his affairs? His subconscious mocked him all the same-You let her in, when you dared ask her about love, when you fell apart on her shoulder. What were you thinking? You utter fool. He had to shake this feeling. Had to get rid of her. "Come with me." Soujiro ordered, rising from his seat.
Turning his back, Soujiro retreated to his room. Tsukushi followed, trying as best she might, to keep up with his rapid pace. She wondered just what was going on.
Crossing the threshold of his room, Soujiro spun around abruptly, and grabbed Tsukushi by both shoulders, as if to shake her.
"Why did you come here?!" he demanded, "Why do you interfere where you're not wanted? What is it that you want from me? Is it this?" He savagely pulled Tsukushi closer and made as if to kiss her.
"No!" with more strength than he'd thought she'd possessed, Tsukushi flung him off. Soujiro stumbled back, and sat down on his bed, temporarily stunned into silence.
"If you're trying to scare me off, it won't work." Tsukushi said darkly, "Look at you; you need help. If you don't want to talk about it, then fine. But don't try to intimidate me." She'd coped with Tsukasa's moods before; she could handle Soujiro just fine.
"I don't want to talk about it, right now." Soujiro turned his back on Tsukushi, and in a deliberate attempt to ignore her piercing, soulful gaze, he curled up into a fetal ball, with his face turned towards the wall. Was he supposed to tell her that it was for her own good that he pushed her away? That he'd only cause her more pain? Selfishly, another faction warred within his head, reminding him how gentle her hands were, how comforting her presence, how soothing it was to lose oneself in her shimmering brown eyes. He wanted her to stay. He wanted her to go.
Tsukushi stood helplessly by the door. Soujiro looked lost in his own world. Locked into his internal battles-with what demons she did not know. Her heart went out to him, despite his harsh words and indifferent attitude. Hesitantly, she went over to him, knelt down next to his bed, and laid a tentative hand on his shoulder.
Soujiro tried again, "Why are you here? You know it'll just make Tsukasa mad if he finds you came here at this hour of night. Do you want to hurt him?"
Tsukushi sighed in exasperation. "Will you please shut up about Doumyouji!? He's got nothing to do with this! You keep saying that it's your fault he and I are fighting. But, you don't understand anything at all, do you? It has nothing to do with you. Nothing!"
Even Soujiro was surprised by the vehemence in her voice. And by the way her hand, still resting on his shoulder, unconsciously formed a fist.
Obeying an instinct he hadn't known he had, Soujiro rolled back over and gripped Tsukushi's hand in both of his. "Tell me about it." he said.
And, surprisingly, she did. Tsukushi had needed to ask for advice about Tsukasa for a long time, but her only real confidants were Yuki and Rui. Yuki had never really understood why Tsukushi and Tsukasa had such problems; after all - they were in love, right? So things should simply work themselves out. Tsukushi had long since stopped telling her about her growing frustrations. And Rui? Hah. She could hardly have told Tsukasa's chief rival her troubles.
"First off, you have to understand," she began, glancing down at the floor, "Tsukasa and I have been having problems for quite a while." Not just the obvious spats, that everyone had seen; or the feud with his mother; or the seemingly endless string of random men falling for Tsukushi, and girls hounding Tsukasa; but deeper issues, between just the two of them.
"He used to believe in me." Tsukushi sighed, "He used to believe I was capable of anything-you know, like when he made me compete in the Miss Teen of Japan contest. but at the same time, he wanted to protect me, to take care of me." Of course, Tsukushi had never wanted to be taken care of, as Soujiro well knew. She was and had always been the kind of girl who wanted to do everything her own way, even if it killed her. She was not above accepting help when she absolutely needed it, but being forced to take it when she didn't was unacceptable.
"He was trying to destroy my independence. I don't think he knew that's what he was doing. Nevertheless, he kept trying to force me to rely on him." If it had only been that, it might have been ok, but, "I think gradually, he began to believe that I couldn't function without him." Tsukushi looked up at Soujiro then bowed her head again
"Do you know how much that hurt? To know that he didn't trust me to make it on my own anymore? How could I believe in an 'us' when he didn't believe in me?"
Tsukushi gripped Soujiro's hand, as if it was her lifeline.
"I think that last fight was the final straw. I can hardly believe it was not even two weeks ago.
"Sex!" Tsukushi laughed bitterly, "Why are you men so obsessed about it? It was like he suddenly decided that if I didn't give him what he wanted, I didn't love him anymore? How stupid can you get? Ok, I thought maybe I could forgive him, maybe things could go back to the way they were if I just put some distance between us again. If I showed him that I really could still make it on my own. I was so wrong. You saw, last week, it just made him jealous. Suspicious of everyone, as if I would pick up someone else, just because he wasn't there to claim me at every moment.
"I am not a possession! I do not belong to anyone!
"Do you hear me, Nishikado Soujiro? Tsukasa does not own me. I make my own decisions. If I choose to come see my friends. It's my choice! So you can lay there and believe you're guilty of whatever sins you please, but don't you dare for one second think that Tsukasa's opinions have any relevance on whether or not I choose to talk to you. It's not your fault that he and I fought. It could have been over anyone or anything, but it was bound to happen."
Tsukushi was running out of steam, and she hadn't even started in on the issue of Tsukasa's complete lack of ability to communicate; how it was impossible to hold a s discussion with the man that didn't turn into a senseless shouting contest. How she hated not being able to sit down with him and talk things over, when they had a disagreement. Or how much it hurt when he insulted her for her poverty or lower-class habits and ways of thought. She missed him so much, but when she thought about it at all, she resented him, too. But she could not bring herself to continue; it was just too hard.
Instead, she merely leaned up against the edge of the bed, and wearily closed her eyes. Tentatively, Soujiro freed one of his hands from her death grip to gently stroke her back.
He should have known. He wasn't the only one with problems. Perhaps it was wrong of him, but just knowing that he was not alone in being miserable tonight, made him feel slightly better. Or perhaps it was that Tsukushi had alleviated some of his feelings of guilt for causing the rift between his friends. He wished he had something useful to say, but everything that came to mind seemed trite, cliched or false. How could he tell her that everything would be all right, when he didn't believe such a thing was possible? Really, all he could do was listen.
After a while, Tsukushi looked up again. "We're a mess, aren't we?" she smiled sadly,
"Yeah, I guess we are," Soujiro agreed.
"Are you going to yell at me again, now?"
"What for?"
"I was about to ask you again what was bothering you. Isn't that your cue to tell me to get out?" Tsukushi's small attempt at humor fell flat.
"Nah.." Soujiro sighed, and glanced over at where his fingers still entwined with hers, "Can't we just stay like this a while?" he tried to sound casual, but he couldn't hide the plea in his voice.
Tsukushi followed his gaze, as his other hand returned to cover their joined ones. She didn't know why, but somehow she was comfortable with this strange familiarity. It felt good to be needed, to be relied upon for something, no matter how small-not just wanted.
"Sure," she smiled gently. She wasn't sure which one of them was, at this moment, the comforter and which, the comforted.
Somehow, Soujiro felt a lessening of his loneliness, a retreat in the ocean of despair that lapped at his soul so frequently. He was somewhat embarrassed by his newfound dependence upon Tsukushi to bring him peace, but despite his jagged edges, she didn't seem to mind. A small smile played upon his lips as, without noticing, Soujiro slipped into the first restful sleep he'd had all week.
Tsukushi remained kneeling next to the bed, some minutes more, until she was quite sure the boy had fallen asleep. She still didn't know what was wrong with him, but at least she'd managed to get some food into him. And he did seem to be sleeping deeply. It was all she could do for now. With an exhausted sigh, Tsukushi disentangled her hand from his loosened grip and came to her feet. Right now, she was ready to collapse. Instead, she silently crept out the door, and finding her way through the darkened halls, at last made her way back out to the front door. Donning her coat, she headed back out into the night. She couldn't wait to get home and collapse on her own futon.
To be continued.