A/N- lol..wow. I got a few reviews after that last chapter. Okay, so I get
that not everyone agrees with me on this one..but I PROMISE you that even
though it is not C/A and probably won't be..ever, Angel won't be left out
in the cold. I love him WAAAYYY too much. ^_^
Thanks for reviewing, though. I love getting feedback and I'm SO VERY happy to have heard from Mrs O, Sabrina Spellman, Star, Imzadi (who emailed me her feedback.and helpful suggestions) and Adele Elisabeth.
Thanks soo much guys. This chapter, even though I know you're not all Lindsey fans (And I refuse to question WHY 'cos I understand the whole different tastes thing), is dedicated to you for your honest feedback.
Oh, BTW, this is probably gonna be a the last chapter that time goes by nice and slowly. The story will hopefully pick up speed next chapter and *fingers crossed* the fic will be finished within the next 4-5 chapters. (And yeah.there will be a sequel 'cos I'm TOTALLY psyched about their futures.TRUST me on this one.)
Okay.. 3..2..1..
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"Twins?" Cordelia repeats for what seems to be the 100th time. "Twins?"
I nod. The realisation hasn't hit me yet. Or Cordy for that matter. I think we've both gone into autopilot mode. I mean, one kid was a big enough surprise, but two? Dr. Kline, or Nick as he'd prefer to be called, nods happily.
"Yes." He says. "Congratulations."
Cordy is still staring at the screen. "TWINS?" She asks, yet again. At Nick's incessant nodding she shakes her head. "B-but it can't be. This is like dejavu. I mean..The last time this happened-"
"Last Time?" Kline is quick to cut in. He pulls out her file. "Ms. Chase. It says here that you have not had a sonogram before, nor have you been pregnant before. Is this correct?"
I look at him and narrow my eyes. "Of course it's correct." I state simply. "This is her first time with an ultrasound and this is her first pregnancy."
"Then what, may I ask, did she mean when she referred to the 'last time this happened'?" He queries.
I pat my fiancé's hand gently, all the while glaring at the Doctor in frustration. "Look, its easy to see that she's a little out of it right now. We're both kinda shocked to tell you the truth. It's more than obvious that we weren't expecting this and she's just rambling. It's her way of dealing," I look down at her, "Isn't it, honey?" For some strange reason, there is a trace of disbelief in my voice as well. I guess I also kinda need to know what she was talking about.
She glares up at me. "Sweetie, I think you need to calm down a bit too." She turns and looks at Kline apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just zoned out. I mean, this is a real surprise for us..And I was kinda referring to getting told I was pregnant in the first place."
He looks at her and smiles, although I can still see his scepticism in his eyes. "Ah, I see. So I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" I snap again. Cordy glares at me once more, but this time I ignore her.
Kline shakes his head. "Nothing. I was merely asking and-"
"-Well it's none of your concern."
"LINDSEY!" Cordy snaps. I look back at her sheepishly and move to apologise, but she waves her hand in my face. "No." She states angrily, pointing towards Kline. "You will apologise to the nice doctor man." I move to object, but one look at her face and I decide against it.
Turning to look back at Nick Kline, I force another smile. "Sorry." I manage along with the grace to look ashamed. "I'm just..still a little in shock." I force a chuckle. "I guess I've gone into super-protecto mode now that I've got more people to take care of." I extend my hand. "No hard feelings, right?"
The OB grins back and briefly shakes my hand. "Like I said, you're not the first dad-to-be that's been edgy. It's completely normal and understandable."
I feel so lame doing this. Playing dumb, I mean. But, instead of causing a scene and stressing Cordy (which is a big no-no) I grin back at him. "Good to know I'm not alone." I state, all the while thinking how cheesy it sounded.
There's silence for a few seconds and I motion to the monitor, completely captivated by the image and the rapid double beating in the background. "So, Doc..What more can you tell us?"
I sit back down next to Cordelia and she smiles warmly at me, taking my hand in hers once more. I look at her still-pretty-flat stomach in awe, while the reality of what's happening starts to sink in. I look back at the screen and lose myself in thought. Those are my kids. As in plural. And I'm determined to do anything and everything for them and their mother.
But, there is a nagging feeling at the back of my thoughts.
What if I'm going to be an awful father? What if I screw it up? What if I fail them? It's not like I had the best role model when I was growing up. And, Oh God, how am I gonna support them? Financially, I mean. I don't have a job at the moment and, although I had a bit of cash stored up, there is no way there's enough for TWO lots of baby stuff..
As I sit, mesmerized by my kids and their mother, I let the doubt and fears accumulate.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Lindsey.." Cordy says. I turn to look at her. She gazes back at me, concern etched across her gorgeous features. "Lin, what's wrong? You've barely spoken 2 words since we left."
I smile and shrug. "I'm just..thinking." I turn to watch the road again, avoiding her stare.
She knits her brow. "That's not an answer."
"Yes it is." I respond, my attention still focussed on the drive home.
"No..It's not." She places one of her perfectly manicured hands on my shoulder tentatively, forcing me to look towards her again. "Lindsey, please..You have to tell me what's going on with you." She places her other hand on her stomach protectively and her frown darkens. "You're not having second thoughts about staying are you? I mean, I know that twins is a bit of a shock..but I don't think I can deal with you coming and going like that. I mean-"
"Cordelia." I cut her short, forcing my eyes to watch the highway. "No. No, I'm not..It's nothing like that." I glance into the rear-view mirror and catch her eyes for a second. "I'm just..thinking."
I'm telling the truth. I am thinking. But I can't put what I'm thinking about into words. Well, I *could*..but it's just so complicated..and I don't want Cordelia to think any less of me. Oh God..she's really rubbed off on me ..I mean, I'm rambling INTERNALLY now.
"Lindsey.." She says my name again, this time a little more sternly than before. "I need to know. If you're having any doubts whatsoever, I have to know. I mean, what if you let it all build up inside..like Angel does..and then snap and walk out of our lives and-"
"Look, I've told you. I'm *not* going to..Wait. Did you just compare me to Angel?"
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head as innocently as possible. "No..That would be a mistake. I would never do that."
I smirk and briefly turn to look at her. "You did." I break into a huge grin. "You basically insinuated that I'm brooding like Angel."
"Did not." She pouts.
Still smiling, I look back at the road again and pause for a second, before muttering a quick, "Did too."
She laughs. "Okay..so maybe I did..But, honestly Lin, I'm worried about you."
'And I'm worried about you and my kids.' I want to respond. However, I choose to give her a small nod and look back towards the road once more, proceeding to drive in silence.
How am I supposed to tell her that I'm afraid I can't provide for her and my children? That I don't know HOW to be a good father..or husband? That I have no idea what to do at all? That I'm afraid I'll be a failure just like my father was? That I'm scared shitless that my kids will grow up hating me because of it?
How am I supposed to tell her that I'm afraid she'll leave me when she wakes up one day and realises that I'm no good for any of them?
Less than 15 minutes later, I pull up outside the hotel and look at Cordelia. I force a smile onto my face and she brightens a little. "So.." I begin, not sure exactly what to say.
She tilts her head to the side and looks up at the Hyperion, furrowing her brow slightly. "Do we tell them about the twins now..or wait to surprise them?"
I can't help chuckling at her. "Surprise them? What does THAT mean?"
She hits my arm playfully. "Don't pick on me." She says, smiling a little. "I don't know..Maybe wait 'til they're born and yell SURPRISE?"
"Cordelia.." I pretend to tiptoe around the subject as if it's something really serious and earth shattering, but my mischievous grin gives away my true intent, "Have you ever considered being blonde?"
She scowls. "It was a legitimate idea."
"Sure it was. Like telling Angel to go sunbathing." I joke, but wipe the grin off my face when I realise she doesn't find it funny. I smile genuinely and take her hand, kissing it lightly. "Sweetheart," I start again, suddenly serious. "It's completely up to you when we tell them."
She looks back at me and cups my face in her hands. "No..It's up to *us*." She emphasises, kissing my lips gently. She takes my hand and places it on her stomach, keeping her eyes locked to mine. I almost lose myself in those shimmering hazel pools of hers as they shine at me. (Jesus McDonald! Get a hold of yourself! Anyone would think you're turning into some sappy romance novelist!) Cordelia's voice brings me back to reality. "These are *our* kids. We created them together." She failed to mention the circumstances of said creation. Cordy doesn't stop there, though. After all, she still has a point to make. "These kids are as much a part of you as they are of me..We're a team on this, Lindsey. A family."
A family.
The words echo in my head as I smile at her. For the moment, I try to force all my doubts to the back of my mind. A family. I'm going to have a family again..and somehow everything will work out..I hope. God do I hope it will.
We get out of the car and Cordelia squeezes my hand tightly as we begin to mount the steps. She grins at me sheepishly. "Sorry..I'm just nervous and excited and-" She stops and grimaces. "Nauseous." Then she's gone. Bolted up the remaining 4 steps, through the huge double doors, past the lobby and into the bathroom.
The gang assembles in the lobby a few minutes later after Fred yells out that Cordy's back. Angel tries his best to be civil with me whilst perching on Cordy's desk and cradling Connor anxiously. Gunn is sprawled out on the bottom of the stairs casually, Fred in his lap, who is happily chatting away about having a playmate for Connor. Wes is standing next to me, leaning against the wall of the office area, pretending not to mind the fact that the girl of his dreams is playing smoochies with one of his best friends. Lorne, however, is smirking away happily next to Angel.
I look at him and his grin widens. I roll my eyes and then glare. "I told you not to read me. You were supposed to be patient like *everyone* else."
"Lindseybun," He begins. I cringe at my new nickname and catch Angel snickering to himself. Lorne ignores my discomfort and smiles even more. "I tried to..Really, I did. But patience has never really been one of my strong points and the information was rolling off you in waves."
"Cordy's gonna kill you, you realise that." I throw back light-heartedly.
He grins. "Not if I act surprised."
"Lets hope you can act as well as you sing then."
"Who's acting?" Cordelia asks, finally emerging from the bathroom. I stride over to her and wrap my arms around her waist.
"Nobody." I tell her, then kiss her forehead. "Feeling better?"
She nods. "Yeah..Morning sickness is a bitch. I mean..It's more like all day sickness..and then I had to brush my teeth..which woulda been fine except someone stole my toothbrush.." She looks down sheepishly, "Well, I thought they did..but then I remembered I had it in my handbag for emergencies.."
I chuckle and lead her back to the others, who are waiting on the edge of their seats for the news. The second Cordelia and I turn towards them, the questions fly at us. Of course, each one of them is from Fred.
"So..Is everything good? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? If you do, what is it? Do you have any ideas for baby names? What about baby clothes? Oh..and what about-"
"Fred, honey." Gunn says, squeezing her waist gently to get her attention. "How about taking a breath and letting *them* talk?"
She blushes and smiles. "Sorry..It's just so excitin' is all."
Cordy squeezes my hand as she beams back. "It's okay..I mean, this *is* really exciting." She looks up at me and I nod. She can tell everyone because they're *her* family, not mine. In fact, my only family is growing inside her right now. She grips my hand even tighter and grins around the room. "Okay..First of all, everything is perfect. Normal and healthy all 'round. And we do know the sex too.." She trails off, leaving everyone in suspense.
"Cordelia.." Fred whines impatiently.
Wes nods, a smile on his face. "I do believe I agree with Fred on this one..Cordeeeellllllliiiiiaaaaa.."
We all chuckle at his imitation and I nudge her to continue. "It's both." She states simply.
Gunn puts up his hand. "I thought you said it was normal."
Her grin widens. "They are!" She exclaims enthusiastically. She looks around, her 1000-watt smile seeming to grow even more. "Guys! Lindsey and I are having twins! Isn't that amazing?" Her eyes glitter and land on Angel. He looks shocked..again.
"Wow." He manages after a few seconds. He looks me in the eye and adds, "Congratulations." His tone somewhere around the 'have I mentioned I'm gonna kill you?' mark.
Fred leaps up and bounds towards Cordelia, wrapping her arms around my fiancé's neck and exclaiming how amazing this is. Wes walks over and shakes my hand and then practically has to drag Fred away to give Cordy a hug as well. Angel stands off to the side glaring at me like I'm the devil (Hello! Pot calling the kettle black much?) and Gunn strides over to give me a pat on the back, before proceeding to line up for his chance to congratulate Cordy.
Lorne says his bit as well and everyone, bar Angel, starts talking at a super-human rate, asking the same sort of questions as Fred did before. Cordy keeps trying to interrupt, but nobody is really listening. So she puts her fingers to her mouth and whistles to get their attention.
"Hey!" She calls, a big smile on her face. "That wasn't it. We've actually got more to tell you." She pauses and looks up at me. I smile and move over to hold her hand again. "Lindsey and I are getting married."
There is a moment where nobody speaks and then they're all saying congratulations and all that jazz again. Followed by the onslaught of questions. Cordelia grins at them, looking happier than I've ever seen her, and answers as much as she can.
"A date?" She repeats one of the frequently asked questions. She looks up at me and tilts her head to the side, before looking back at the others and shaking her head. "No..We haven't set a date." She looks down at her stomach and frowns. " I was hoping it'd be BEFORE I got too round, but with two kids I guess that's gonna be a little impossible.."
"How long does it take to plan a wedding?" I ask her without thinking.
She looks up at me in surprise and I watch as she processes the reality of my question and the suggestion beneath it. After a few moments of silence, she stammers, "I..Did you..I mean.."
"Damn girl, take a breath already." Gunn chuckles. Fred hits him across the chest and glares at him for a few seconds. He rubs his ribs and pouts at his girlfriend. "I was just sayin'-"
"Careful Gunnyboy, looks like you might be next." Lorne jokes. This earns him a glare from both Fred and Cordy, while the other men chuckle.
"I'll have you know that getting married is not a curse." My fiancé hisses, before nudging me hard in the chest. "Right?" She demands.
I hide my grin and look back at the other men, nodding. "Completely." I state, rubbing my ribs tentatively. Then I sober up and gaze into Cordy's eyes. "So, When are we getting married?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
We worked it all out eventually. Well, most of it in any case. I was almost stupid enough to suggest a little ceremony at the church down the block. Luckily I stopped myself before I insulted Angel and ticked off Cordelia..or even visa-versa.
Although we don't have a set time or place, Cordelia is determined to say 'I do' within the next few weeks. I don't mind in the least. I love her and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.
She keeps emphasising the importance of timing in regards to her weight. And I keep telling her that she's gorgeous and glowing and sexy no matter what. In fact, I think that the more obvious her pregnancy is, the more I want her. I know, it sounds really corny, but there's just something about the knowledge that she's carrying my children..
Children.
I still can't get over that. And I still can't help worrying about their future.
"Lindsey..Hello! Earth to Lindsey!" Cordy repeats my name, prodding my shoulder a few times to get my attention.
"Hmmm?" I respond, before shaking my head clear. I smile at her sheepishly. "Sorry sweetheart..I was..thinking."
She furrows her brow at me and folds her arms over her chest. "We *will* talk." She states, then shrugs lightly. "Anyway..We were just discussing the ceremony." She motions to the others. "And I was thinking we had it outside and-"
Angel clears his throat. "Uh..Cordy.." He starts. She waves a hand at him, signalling for him to keep his mouth shut.
"I'm getting to that. Give a girl a break." She grins at him to let him know she's got it all figured out. "Anyway..we have it outside, like under a big shady tree or something. Or maybe we could hire one of those big, white tent things and decorate it with roses and-" She pauses, realising that she's getting off track. "Anyways, to combat your little sun problem Angel, we could set up a covered walkway thingy..like the big white tent..you know the type I'm talking about.."
I watch as the others raise their eyebrows, but nod all the same. Best to just nod and smile if you do not understand..That seems to be their approach anyway. Come to think of it, it's kinda smart.
"Hey.." I cut her short. "What about a night wedding? With fairy lights hanging from the trees and stuff like that? And therefore we won't need a big tent type thing.." I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm using her grammar now "..And Angel wont have any problems and it'd be different and romantic.."
She tilts her head to the side and thinks about it, a tiny smile playing on her lips. "I like that. And it is better both financially overall *and* health wise for Angel and Spike-"
"Spike?" Angel almost whines. "Does he have to come?"
Cordelia chuckles and nods happily. "I thought you two worked out all your issues?"
The vampire shrugs. "Yeah..but he still gets annoying. I swear if he calls me 'Peaches' or 'Poof' one more time, he'll be a pile of dust within two seconds flat."
Everyone laughs at that and Cordelia shakes her head. "He's coming Angel and that's final." Then she starts to ramble about the ceremony again. First of all re-describing the possible night setting and moving on to the other details.
I smile and listen, comforted by the joy and excitement in her voice."..And then we can get to the 'I Do's, bouquet throwing and the reception here in the hotel where we get the cake and-"
"Whoa.." I cut in, looking down at her sternly. "Speaking of cake, you need to eat something."
She shakes her head. "Lin..I'd love to eat something..But I can't keep any food down 'cos of the all-day sickness..I mean, I smell anything food-like and I want to throw up..and-"
I glare at her with love and concern. "-You haven't eaten all day..And now that you're eating for three, I will not rest until I know *all* your nutritious needs have been met. Understood?"
She nods, having lost the debate. I smile gratefully and notice that Angel and Wes have done the same. At least I know that they'll always look after her if she ever realises that she's better off without me. That's something I guess.
"So..what's for lunch then?" Cordelia asks, bringing me out of my thoughts yet again.
"Uh.." I look at Angel, who shrugs. Wes and Gunn do the same and then Fred and Lorne as well. I look back at Cordy. "What do you feel like?"
She ponders the question for a few seconds. "Hmmm..uh..Chinese take-out?"
"Aww.." Fred murmurs. "I was hopin' she'd say tacos.."
Gunn squeezes his girlfriend to his chest and rests his head on top of hers. "Sweetie, you can have tacos if you want." She grins and nuzzles closer to him.
I notice Wesley's obvious discomfort, so I look at him. "What about you? What do you want to eat?"
He seems glad for the distraction. "Well..I wouldn't mind some fried rice either to tell the truth."
I nod. "Good choice. Lorne? Angel?"
The green one shrugs and the vampire eyes me as if I've gone crazy. "Ah..Vampire here." He responds. "Not really much of a food eater."
"But you do eat human food, though." Cordelia cuts in.
He nods. "Yeah..but it loses most of it's essence. I only eat as a social thing."
"This is a social thing." She throws back, sounding a little insulted. "I mean, celebratory meal or whatever."
He gives her a small smile. "Okay..Well..I might go with a burrito then..with extra chilli sauce."
"Good." She beams back triumphantly, then looks back at me expectantly. "Well, who's gonna do the food run?"
I grin and shake my head. "I'm goin'..I'm goin'.."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Trouble sleeping?"
I jump at the hushed voice behind me. "Jesus Wes!" I hiss, turning to face him. "Don't *do* that!"
He grins. "Sorry."
"Yeah.." I respond in good-natured sarcasm. "Sure you are."
Chuckling, he settles himself on a stool at the kitchen bench, reaching for the coffee pot while I grab him a mug. Once I'm settled across the island from him, he waits a few seconds before asking, "What's troubling you?"
I tilt my head to the side. "What makes you think something's troubling me?" He points at the clock on the wall and then at the coffee in my hand. I smile. "Ah..I see..Well, it's nothing really."
"McDonald. Honestly. You're marrying Cordelia..thus effectively marrying into all our lives as we are all family and I suppose if one member of this family has a problem-"
"-You all have a problem." I finish for him. "How very Brady Bunch of you." At the not-so-impressed look on his face I smirk, "Lighten up. It was a joke."
"And not a very good one."
"Hey! Can I help it if you're just being British?"
"Now that was uncalled for."
"I'm an ex-evil lawyer..what the hell did you expect? Old habits die hard and all that."
He laughs a little at that and I join him. Then he tries again. "So this not so big issue of yours.."
I roll my eyes and decide to lie through my teeth. "It's nothing." I tell him. "I swear."
"And yet I still don't believe you." He throws back. "I mean, what reasonable man would rather be seated in a cold dark kitchen talking to another man at 2 am when he has a woman like Cordelia waiting for him in his bed?"
"Point taken." I nod, concentrating on my coffee. "I'm just..worried."
"About..?"
I look at him and shrug. "Does 'everything' class as an answer?"
"Sounds like I'd better put on another pot." Wesley says, standing up and gesturing at his almost empty mug. "While you start talking. Preferably start with the issue that is disturbing you the most."
I sigh. This is gonna be a long night. Correction- long *morning*. "Okay..first of all, I'm worried about the inevitable day when Cordy's gonna wake up and realise that she's better off without me in her life.."
Wes spins. "What makes you think that?"
"What?" I ask in response. "That it's inevitable she's gonna work it out one day or that she's better off without me? 'Cos the first is really obvious..I mean, she's a smart woman. It's only a matter of time before she does and-"
"What makes you think she's better off without you?" He clarifies, cutting my babbling short. "And don't tell me Angel had anything to do with that logic."
I let out a snort of laughter. "No..He had nothing to do with it." I become sombre again. "It's just that..I'm not sure I'll be a good father..or husband for that matter."
He pauses thoughtfully. "What draws you to that conclusion?"
With a small smile, I stare into my new cup of coffee. "I don't know how to be those things." I murmur sadly.
"Ah..well, I believe it is supposed to come naturally. Paternal instincts and all that-"
"Then why are so many men lacking that so-called 'natural' instinct?" I shoot back.
"Honestly?" He asks. "I have no idea. Some men seem to have that talent and others.." Wesley drifts off, the mixture of sadness and bitterness in his tone somewhat matching my own. Now I'm getting the feeling that he and I are more alike than I first thought.
There is silence again. I look at him after a while and tilt my head to the side. "Not to pry or anything.."
He looks up and sighs, as if already knowing my question. "Yes?"
I glance back at my coffee. "Was your father..I don't know how to put this..did you have a good relationship with him?" He lets out a short and sharp snort and I smile sadly. "Yeah..I wasn't exactly close to mine either."
At that, Wesley nods, slowly putting two and two together. "So that's why you're doubting your own abilities." It's not a question. It's a statement of fact.
I nod in return and let out another sigh. "I was the reason my father married my mom." I smile sadly. "Kinda ironic isn't it?"
"But your situation is different." Wesley reminds me.
My smile brightens. "Yeah..It is. Considerably. I mean, don't get me wrong, my father loved my mom..but he never wanted to settle down. He was going to get a football scholarship and leave that hell hole of a town." I say the words as if reciting a script. Afterall, I'd heard the man say it so many times to me, they kinda got stuck in my head. "And then *I* came along and wrecked his entire life."
"I'm sure that's not the truth."
"Well he sure made it feel like it." I throw back bitterly and glare at my mug. Wincing at the harshness in my voice I apologise to Wesley and continue to rant, my tone a good deal softer. "He started drinking..and when he drank he was an abusive son of a bitch..my mom knew when to stay out of his way, as did my siblings, but me? Not quite..He seemed to seek me out when he was drinking. And tell me over and over that I was the reason his life was so bad. I hated him." I pause and take a gulp of my coffee. Once I place the mug back down in front of me, I keep going, "So after I graduated I sold my soul to Wolfram and Hart, just to skip town..to get away from him. And here I am, about to have kids of my own, and the only role model father figures I've had have either been evil, demon worshipping lawyers..and him."
I stop and wait in silence for Wes to start talking. I mean, he's gotta have some kind of opinion on this. After a minute or so, he looks at me. "I can't say I know exactly what that must feel like, but I can say that under a slightly similar circumstance, I do understand."
"Your father?"
He nods. "My father." After emptying his coffee mug, he starts to tell me about his personal woes. "My father has done nothing but chastise me my entire life. Nothing I have ever done has pleased him. Ever. He has never once shown me an ounce of compassion or concern." Wesley stops and lowers his voice even further. "And when I displeased him..he locked me in the cupboard.."
Although I'm utterly shocked at what he's told me, I'm strangely comforted by the knowledge that Wes has accepted me not only to listen and give advice to, but to also talk to and trust with personal issues. I've actually made a friend. A true friend. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." I look at him, startled by his reaction. He mellows a little. "I do not need to be pitied."
A grin makes its way to my lips and I nod. "Yeah..I know what you mean. But I'm still sorry that neither one of us knows what it's like to hold a good relationship with a father."
"Make that the three of us." Wes and I both jump at Angel's statement and turn to look at him. He stands in the doorway and shrugs. "Vampire stealth. I couldn't help overhearing.." He walks towards his fridge, removes a packet of O pos, pours its contents into a mug, heats it in the microwave and gestures to the empty stool beside me. "Mind if I join you?"
Still confused, I shake my head. "No.."
"Not at all." Wes finishes for me.
Angel settles himself at the counter and takes a swig of his pig's blood. An awkward silence creeps into the room and I look down at the empty mug in my hands. After a little while, I decide to break the ice into this conversation. "So.." Okay, not the most original way to get someone talking, or the most eloquent, but it has proven to work before.
Angel shoots his glance across to me, then looks at Wes and then back at the mug in his hands. "We've all got something in common." He says.
I don't reply. I mean, what am I supposed to say? 'I see..so you've got daddy issues too'? Somehow, I doubt that would help. Looking towards Wes, I see that I'm not the only one that thinks waiting for Angel to speak again on his own accord is a good idea.
A few seconds pass and Angel speaks again. "My father and I didn't exactly get along either." He looks at me. "When I was still human."
I nod. "I gathered that." Although, I can see how there might have been a few strains on their relationship when Angel became a vamp..Like, oh I don't know, being eaten by your own son.
Unaware of my internal rambling, Angel continues. "I was always a failure to him. The rebellious son that could never do anything right." He grins, almost like a defiant teenager. "So that's what I became."
"Okay..You lost me."
He smirks sadly. "He kept beating me..telling me that I was worthless, good for nothing, a failure. I never listened to him..blah blah blah. Of course, that wasn't the truth until I started letting it become the truth. I started going out, womanising, drinking..all of it. I became the rebellious son that he kept telling me I was." A look of reminiscence crawls across his face. "And I'll admit that the whole rebellious scene had its perks.."
Wesley looks horrified. Angel chuckles, but becomes sombre yet again. "But to the night I 'died', I never once pleased that man. Not once. And not once in my wasted human existence did he ever display any concern or compassion for me either."
"Wow. I never figured that you would have come from a background similar to mine.." I say, accidentally speaking aloud. I only meant to *think* that. Cordelia *has* really had an effect on me, hasn't she?
Angel nods. "Tell me about it. I always figured you for a yuppie from the get-go in life." He chuckles sadly. "Yet another example of why it's wrong to judge a book by its cover.."
"Yep." I reply, bringing on the uncomfortable silence again. For a while we sit like this, nobody moving or speaking. Then, somehow, we end up back on the father rant. "..I just hope I can support my family." I hear myself telling the others mid-way during the discussion. "I mean, my father was a hopeless drunk. He never worked and couldn't take care of us kids, so my mom was unable to get a job and consequently we were dirt poor..barely had enough money for clothes or food, or even a house with a bathroom." I shudder at the once-repressed memory. "And I'm scared shitless that I wont be able to provide for Cordelia and the kids..I mean, I'm unemployed just like-"
"Lindsey, Stop." I'm cut off by Angel. "I thought you were going to work here with us? It's a paid job and-"
Now it's my turn to interrupt. Holding up my hand to silence him, I shake my head. "No, Angel. I mean, I promised to help out and I will most definitely handle the legal side of things for you guys, but I *volunteered* to do that. Working with you is part of my redemption. I'm not going to get paid for that. What I really need is a proper day-job. No offence guys, but After Wolfram & Hart, I don't like being handed things on a silver platter. I want to go out and work hard for my living so I can feel like I actually earned the pay." I stop and look at them, "You know what I mean?"
They nod and I smile sadly. "I refuse to be like him. I won't let my kids see me that way. Ever." I stop again. I'm not actually talking to Wesley or Angel, but voicing my thoughts again. "I just hope that *this*-" I motion to myself "-apple fell very, very far from the tree.."
Suddenly I feel compelled to ask Angel about Connor. I mean, who better to ask about raising kids even though you have no idea how? Okay, that thought came out wrong..But you get the general gist. "So, did you..how did you know that you could.." I stop, realising that nothing I've said has made sense. "That's it, I'm just gonna be blunt."
"And you haven't been up 'til now?" Angel grins.
I roll my eyes. "Very funny." Then in serious mode again, I ask "If you never had a good role model for a father, how did you know how to be one for Connor?"
At mention of his son's name, Angel brightens with pride and love. "Honestly?" I nod and he continues. "I don't know. I just knew that he was my little miracle..and he deserved to have the best of everything. Instinct McDonald. It takes over. I can't explain it..but it just does. The difference between my father and I was that I wanted to be a good dad. I wanted my son to feel loved. From there instinct took over." He stops and looks me in the eye. "And that's it. If anything, you will learn from your father's mistakes. It's obvious that you'll make a great dad because you want so badly to be."
"Wow.. Philosophical vampires. There's something you don't see everyday." I grin at him and Wesley chuckles. After another bout of silence I look at them seriously. "Thanks. Both of you. I mean, it's nice..having someone to talk to. Granted, I'm still surprised that you're not trying to rip my head off at the moment-" I smile, "-but I'm not going to argue. I like my head where it is to tell the truth."
The vampire and the ex-watcher laugh and I look at the clock. 2:45am. I've been down here for an hour.
"You should head on up to bed." Wesley tells me, "Before Cordelia notices you missing."
I stand and rinse out my mug. "Yeah..You're right." I move to the door and look back at the others. "Thank you."
Wesley nods. "Anytime."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sneaking back into the hotel room, I stop and look down at Cordelia. She's so beautiful..and looks so peaceful right now. A tiny smile creeps onto my face. Dare I try slipping beside her? Or should I avoid disturbing her sleep and just head over to the couch? One more look at Cordelia's content, slumbering form and I've decided.
Couch it is.
"Bed McDonald." I almost jump out of my skin at Cordelia's voice. So much for sleeping soundly. She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "Where have you been?" She demands.
"I couldn't sleep." I shrug, "So, I went and made myself a coffee.."
She rolls her beautiful hazel eyes. "Oh yeah, 'cos caffeine *really* helps people sleep easier."
"I know..not the smartest move..but I just needed to think.." I give her a small smile, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you..I didn't mean to..You need your sleep.."
A smile appears on her face and she rolls her eyes again. "Give it up McDonald." She pats the space beside her and sits up. I watch as the smile fades from her face, and she becomes serious. "We need to talk.."
I nod slowly and sit beside her, my gaze not wavering from hers. "About?"
She hesitates. "Us."
My heart starts to race. Oh god. She's worked it out. She knows that she's made a mistake. She's better off without me. We're not going to get married. She'd rather raise the kids alone..or she's reconsidering Angel's proposition. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
Swallowing hard, I look into her eyes. "What about us?"
She smiles and takes my hand in hers. "I need to know that you're not going anywhere..That you're not hiding anything from me..from us. I need you to trust me."
"I..I do trust you..I love you more than anything..I'm not going anywhere..And I'm not hiding anything from you.."
"Then why wont you talk to me?" Her voice quivers and she looks away.
"What?"
I watch as she fights to hide the tears in her eyes. I hate myself for making her cry. For making her doubt me. I don't want to do that to her. She swallows and looks at me again. "There's something going on with you..and you wont talk to me about it.."
"No..Cordelia. I swear. There's nothing going on with me." I raise her hand to my lips and kiss it ever so gently. "I was just..Worried. This afternoon, I was just..shocked more than anything. I mean, the ultrasound made it all so real..and I just don't want to disappoint you..or them..I swear. I'll always be here for you..and for them. I love you too much..I could never hurt you.." I trail kisses up her arm and towards her lips. "I love you."
She smiles brightly and catches my lips with her own. "Good."
I pull away. "I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?"
"I believe you Lindsey. I really do." She looks down. "I just need to hear it every now and then..that's all."
"Then you will." I inform her. "You will have anything you want."
She grins. "I just want you Lindsey."
I chuckle. "And right now I think it's pretty obvious how much I want you.."
"Well..I guess we *do* need to work off all that caffeine induced energy.." She tells me with a wink and a sly smirk, her hands already pulling me closer.
I kiss her deeply and grin. "Yeah..I guess we do.."
****************************
A/N- Lol..I just realised that this is beginning to get to be a very common ending for the chapters in this fic..lol..seriously, no wonder she's up the duff (to coin one of Australia's more annoying 'ocker' phrases, although it's still better than anything that freakin' Croc Hunter can come up with..grrs..not a fan..) with all the comshucking I have them doin'! lol..okay, I'm a 17 year old girl. What do you guys expect? ^_^ No..don't answer. Lol. Anywho, now that u've read this, can u review? Flame me if you must, but tell me why..I live for feedback guys and it helps me get motivated to write. ^_^
Luv ya all
*Neata
Thanks for reviewing, though. I love getting feedback and I'm SO VERY happy to have heard from Mrs O, Sabrina Spellman, Star, Imzadi (who emailed me her feedback.and helpful suggestions) and Adele Elisabeth.
Thanks soo much guys. This chapter, even though I know you're not all Lindsey fans (And I refuse to question WHY 'cos I understand the whole different tastes thing), is dedicated to you for your honest feedback.
Oh, BTW, this is probably gonna be a the last chapter that time goes by nice and slowly. The story will hopefully pick up speed next chapter and *fingers crossed* the fic will be finished within the next 4-5 chapters. (And yeah.there will be a sequel 'cos I'm TOTALLY psyched about their futures.TRUST me on this one.)
Okay.. 3..2..1..
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"Twins?" Cordelia repeats for what seems to be the 100th time. "Twins?"
I nod. The realisation hasn't hit me yet. Or Cordy for that matter. I think we've both gone into autopilot mode. I mean, one kid was a big enough surprise, but two? Dr. Kline, or Nick as he'd prefer to be called, nods happily.
"Yes." He says. "Congratulations."
Cordy is still staring at the screen. "TWINS?" She asks, yet again. At Nick's incessant nodding she shakes her head. "B-but it can't be. This is like dejavu. I mean..The last time this happened-"
"Last Time?" Kline is quick to cut in. He pulls out her file. "Ms. Chase. It says here that you have not had a sonogram before, nor have you been pregnant before. Is this correct?"
I look at him and narrow my eyes. "Of course it's correct." I state simply. "This is her first time with an ultrasound and this is her first pregnancy."
"Then what, may I ask, did she mean when she referred to the 'last time this happened'?" He queries.
I pat my fiancé's hand gently, all the while glaring at the Doctor in frustration. "Look, its easy to see that she's a little out of it right now. We're both kinda shocked to tell you the truth. It's more than obvious that we weren't expecting this and she's just rambling. It's her way of dealing," I look down at her, "Isn't it, honey?" For some strange reason, there is a trace of disbelief in my voice as well. I guess I also kinda need to know what she was talking about.
She glares up at me. "Sweetie, I think you need to calm down a bit too." She turns and looks at Kline apologetically. "I'm sorry. I just zoned out. I mean, this is a real surprise for us..And I was kinda referring to getting told I was pregnant in the first place."
He looks at her and smiles, although I can still see his scepticism in his eyes. "Ah, I see. So I take it this wasn't a planned pregnancy?"
"What does that have to do with anything?" I snap again. Cordy glares at me once more, but this time I ignore her.
Kline shakes his head. "Nothing. I was merely asking and-"
"-Well it's none of your concern."
"LINDSEY!" Cordy snaps. I look back at her sheepishly and move to apologise, but she waves her hand in my face. "No." She states angrily, pointing towards Kline. "You will apologise to the nice doctor man." I move to object, but one look at her face and I decide against it.
Turning to look back at Nick Kline, I force another smile. "Sorry." I manage along with the grace to look ashamed. "I'm just..still a little in shock." I force a chuckle. "I guess I've gone into super-protecto mode now that I've got more people to take care of." I extend my hand. "No hard feelings, right?"
The OB grins back and briefly shakes my hand. "Like I said, you're not the first dad-to-be that's been edgy. It's completely normal and understandable."
I feel so lame doing this. Playing dumb, I mean. But, instead of causing a scene and stressing Cordy (which is a big no-no) I grin back at him. "Good to know I'm not alone." I state, all the while thinking how cheesy it sounded.
There's silence for a few seconds and I motion to the monitor, completely captivated by the image and the rapid double beating in the background. "So, Doc..What more can you tell us?"
I sit back down next to Cordelia and she smiles warmly at me, taking my hand in hers once more. I look at her still-pretty-flat stomach in awe, while the reality of what's happening starts to sink in. I look back at the screen and lose myself in thought. Those are my kids. As in plural. And I'm determined to do anything and everything for them and their mother.
But, there is a nagging feeling at the back of my thoughts.
What if I'm going to be an awful father? What if I screw it up? What if I fail them? It's not like I had the best role model when I was growing up. And, Oh God, how am I gonna support them? Financially, I mean. I don't have a job at the moment and, although I had a bit of cash stored up, there is no way there's enough for TWO lots of baby stuff..
As I sit, mesmerized by my kids and their mother, I let the doubt and fears accumulate.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Lindsey.." Cordy says. I turn to look at her. She gazes back at me, concern etched across her gorgeous features. "Lin, what's wrong? You've barely spoken 2 words since we left."
I smile and shrug. "I'm just..thinking." I turn to watch the road again, avoiding her stare.
She knits her brow. "That's not an answer."
"Yes it is." I respond, my attention still focussed on the drive home.
"No..It's not." She places one of her perfectly manicured hands on my shoulder tentatively, forcing me to look towards her again. "Lindsey, please..You have to tell me what's going on with you." She places her other hand on her stomach protectively and her frown darkens. "You're not having second thoughts about staying are you? I mean, I know that twins is a bit of a shock..but I don't think I can deal with you coming and going like that. I mean-"
"Cordelia." I cut her short, forcing my eyes to watch the highway. "No. No, I'm not..It's nothing like that." I glance into the rear-view mirror and catch her eyes for a second. "I'm just..thinking."
I'm telling the truth. I am thinking. But I can't put what I'm thinking about into words. Well, I *could*..but it's just so complicated..and I don't want Cordelia to think any less of me. Oh God..she's really rubbed off on me ..I mean, I'm rambling INTERNALLY now.
"Lindsey.." She says my name again, this time a little more sternly than before. "I need to know. If you're having any doubts whatsoever, I have to know. I mean, what if you let it all build up inside..like Angel does..and then snap and walk out of our lives and-"
"Look, I've told you. I'm *not* going to..Wait. Did you just compare me to Angel?"
Her eyes widen and she shakes her head as innocently as possible. "No..That would be a mistake. I would never do that."
I smirk and briefly turn to look at her. "You did." I break into a huge grin. "You basically insinuated that I'm brooding like Angel."
"Did not." She pouts.
Still smiling, I look back at the road again and pause for a second, before muttering a quick, "Did too."
She laughs. "Okay..so maybe I did..But, honestly Lin, I'm worried about you."
'And I'm worried about you and my kids.' I want to respond. However, I choose to give her a small nod and look back towards the road once more, proceeding to drive in silence.
How am I supposed to tell her that I'm afraid I can't provide for her and my children? That I don't know HOW to be a good father..or husband? That I have no idea what to do at all? That I'm afraid I'll be a failure just like my father was? That I'm scared shitless that my kids will grow up hating me because of it?
How am I supposed to tell her that I'm afraid she'll leave me when she wakes up one day and realises that I'm no good for any of them?
Less than 15 minutes later, I pull up outside the hotel and look at Cordelia. I force a smile onto my face and she brightens a little. "So.." I begin, not sure exactly what to say.
She tilts her head to the side and looks up at the Hyperion, furrowing her brow slightly. "Do we tell them about the twins now..or wait to surprise them?"
I can't help chuckling at her. "Surprise them? What does THAT mean?"
She hits my arm playfully. "Don't pick on me." She says, smiling a little. "I don't know..Maybe wait 'til they're born and yell SURPRISE?"
"Cordelia.." I pretend to tiptoe around the subject as if it's something really serious and earth shattering, but my mischievous grin gives away my true intent, "Have you ever considered being blonde?"
She scowls. "It was a legitimate idea."
"Sure it was. Like telling Angel to go sunbathing." I joke, but wipe the grin off my face when I realise she doesn't find it funny. I smile genuinely and take her hand, kissing it lightly. "Sweetheart," I start again, suddenly serious. "It's completely up to you when we tell them."
She looks back at me and cups my face in her hands. "No..It's up to *us*." She emphasises, kissing my lips gently. She takes my hand and places it on her stomach, keeping her eyes locked to mine. I almost lose myself in those shimmering hazel pools of hers as they shine at me. (Jesus McDonald! Get a hold of yourself! Anyone would think you're turning into some sappy romance novelist!) Cordelia's voice brings me back to reality. "These are *our* kids. We created them together." She failed to mention the circumstances of said creation. Cordy doesn't stop there, though. After all, she still has a point to make. "These kids are as much a part of you as they are of me..We're a team on this, Lindsey. A family."
A family.
The words echo in my head as I smile at her. For the moment, I try to force all my doubts to the back of my mind. A family. I'm going to have a family again..and somehow everything will work out..I hope. God do I hope it will.
We get out of the car and Cordelia squeezes my hand tightly as we begin to mount the steps. She grins at me sheepishly. "Sorry..I'm just nervous and excited and-" She stops and grimaces. "Nauseous." Then she's gone. Bolted up the remaining 4 steps, through the huge double doors, past the lobby and into the bathroom.
The gang assembles in the lobby a few minutes later after Fred yells out that Cordy's back. Angel tries his best to be civil with me whilst perching on Cordy's desk and cradling Connor anxiously. Gunn is sprawled out on the bottom of the stairs casually, Fred in his lap, who is happily chatting away about having a playmate for Connor. Wes is standing next to me, leaning against the wall of the office area, pretending not to mind the fact that the girl of his dreams is playing smoochies with one of his best friends. Lorne, however, is smirking away happily next to Angel.
I look at him and his grin widens. I roll my eyes and then glare. "I told you not to read me. You were supposed to be patient like *everyone* else."
"Lindseybun," He begins. I cringe at my new nickname and catch Angel snickering to himself. Lorne ignores my discomfort and smiles even more. "I tried to..Really, I did. But patience has never really been one of my strong points and the information was rolling off you in waves."
"Cordy's gonna kill you, you realise that." I throw back light-heartedly.
He grins. "Not if I act surprised."
"Lets hope you can act as well as you sing then."
"Who's acting?" Cordelia asks, finally emerging from the bathroom. I stride over to her and wrap my arms around her waist.
"Nobody." I tell her, then kiss her forehead. "Feeling better?"
She nods. "Yeah..Morning sickness is a bitch. I mean..It's more like all day sickness..and then I had to brush my teeth..which woulda been fine except someone stole my toothbrush.." She looks down sheepishly, "Well, I thought they did..but then I remembered I had it in my handbag for emergencies.."
I chuckle and lead her back to the others, who are waiting on the edge of their seats for the news. The second Cordelia and I turn towards them, the questions fly at us. Of course, each one of them is from Fred.
"So..Is everything good? Do you know if it's a boy or a girl? If you do, what is it? Do you have any ideas for baby names? What about baby clothes? Oh..and what about-"
"Fred, honey." Gunn says, squeezing her waist gently to get her attention. "How about taking a breath and letting *them* talk?"
She blushes and smiles. "Sorry..It's just so excitin' is all."
Cordy squeezes my hand as she beams back. "It's okay..I mean, this *is* really exciting." She looks up at me and I nod. She can tell everyone because they're *her* family, not mine. In fact, my only family is growing inside her right now. She grips my hand even tighter and grins around the room. "Okay..First of all, everything is perfect. Normal and healthy all 'round. And we do know the sex too.." She trails off, leaving everyone in suspense.
"Cordelia.." Fred whines impatiently.
Wes nods, a smile on his face. "I do believe I agree with Fred on this one..Cordeeeellllllliiiiiaaaaa.."
We all chuckle at his imitation and I nudge her to continue. "It's both." She states simply.
Gunn puts up his hand. "I thought you said it was normal."
Her grin widens. "They are!" She exclaims enthusiastically. She looks around, her 1000-watt smile seeming to grow even more. "Guys! Lindsey and I are having twins! Isn't that amazing?" Her eyes glitter and land on Angel. He looks shocked..again.
"Wow." He manages after a few seconds. He looks me in the eye and adds, "Congratulations." His tone somewhere around the 'have I mentioned I'm gonna kill you?' mark.
Fred leaps up and bounds towards Cordelia, wrapping her arms around my fiancé's neck and exclaiming how amazing this is. Wes walks over and shakes my hand and then practically has to drag Fred away to give Cordy a hug as well. Angel stands off to the side glaring at me like I'm the devil (Hello! Pot calling the kettle black much?) and Gunn strides over to give me a pat on the back, before proceeding to line up for his chance to congratulate Cordy.
Lorne says his bit as well and everyone, bar Angel, starts talking at a super-human rate, asking the same sort of questions as Fred did before. Cordy keeps trying to interrupt, but nobody is really listening. So she puts her fingers to her mouth and whistles to get their attention.
"Hey!" She calls, a big smile on her face. "That wasn't it. We've actually got more to tell you." She pauses and looks up at me. I smile and move over to hold her hand again. "Lindsey and I are getting married."
There is a moment where nobody speaks and then they're all saying congratulations and all that jazz again. Followed by the onslaught of questions. Cordelia grins at them, looking happier than I've ever seen her, and answers as much as she can.
"A date?" She repeats one of the frequently asked questions. She looks up at me and tilts her head to the side, before looking back at the others and shaking her head. "No..We haven't set a date." She looks down at her stomach and frowns. " I was hoping it'd be BEFORE I got too round, but with two kids I guess that's gonna be a little impossible.."
"How long does it take to plan a wedding?" I ask her without thinking.
She looks up at me in surprise and I watch as she processes the reality of my question and the suggestion beneath it. After a few moments of silence, she stammers, "I..Did you..I mean.."
"Damn girl, take a breath already." Gunn chuckles. Fred hits him across the chest and glares at him for a few seconds. He rubs his ribs and pouts at his girlfriend. "I was just sayin'-"
"Careful Gunnyboy, looks like you might be next." Lorne jokes. This earns him a glare from both Fred and Cordy, while the other men chuckle.
"I'll have you know that getting married is not a curse." My fiancé hisses, before nudging me hard in the chest. "Right?" She demands.
I hide my grin and look back at the other men, nodding. "Completely." I state, rubbing my ribs tentatively. Then I sober up and gaze into Cordy's eyes. "So, When are we getting married?"
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
We worked it all out eventually. Well, most of it in any case. I was almost stupid enough to suggest a little ceremony at the church down the block. Luckily I stopped myself before I insulted Angel and ticked off Cordelia..or even visa-versa.
Although we don't have a set time or place, Cordelia is determined to say 'I do' within the next few weeks. I don't mind in the least. I love her and I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with her.
She keeps emphasising the importance of timing in regards to her weight. And I keep telling her that she's gorgeous and glowing and sexy no matter what. In fact, I think that the more obvious her pregnancy is, the more I want her. I know, it sounds really corny, but there's just something about the knowledge that she's carrying my children..
Children.
I still can't get over that. And I still can't help worrying about their future.
"Lindsey..Hello! Earth to Lindsey!" Cordy repeats my name, prodding my shoulder a few times to get my attention.
"Hmmm?" I respond, before shaking my head clear. I smile at her sheepishly. "Sorry sweetheart..I was..thinking."
She furrows her brow at me and folds her arms over her chest. "We *will* talk." She states, then shrugs lightly. "Anyway..We were just discussing the ceremony." She motions to the others. "And I was thinking we had it outside and-"
Angel clears his throat. "Uh..Cordy.." He starts. She waves a hand at him, signalling for him to keep his mouth shut.
"I'm getting to that. Give a girl a break." She grins at him to let him know she's got it all figured out. "Anyway..we have it outside, like under a big shady tree or something. Or maybe we could hire one of those big, white tent things and decorate it with roses and-" She pauses, realising that she's getting off track. "Anyways, to combat your little sun problem Angel, we could set up a covered walkway thingy..like the big white tent..you know the type I'm talking about.."
I watch as the others raise their eyebrows, but nod all the same. Best to just nod and smile if you do not understand..That seems to be their approach anyway. Come to think of it, it's kinda smart.
"Hey.." I cut her short. "What about a night wedding? With fairy lights hanging from the trees and stuff like that? And therefore we won't need a big tent type thing.." I'm going to ignore the fact that I'm using her grammar now "..And Angel wont have any problems and it'd be different and romantic.."
She tilts her head to the side and thinks about it, a tiny smile playing on her lips. "I like that. And it is better both financially overall *and* health wise for Angel and Spike-"
"Spike?" Angel almost whines. "Does he have to come?"
Cordelia chuckles and nods happily. "I thought you two worked out all your issues?"
The vampire shrugs. "Yeah..but he still gets annoying. I swear if he calls me 'Peaches' or 'Poof' one more time, he'll be a pile of dust within two seconds flat."
Everyone laughs at that and Cordelia shakes her head. "He's coming Angel and that's final." Then she starts to ramble about the ceremony again. First of all re-describing the possible night setting and moving on to the other details.
I smile and listen, comforted by the joy and excitement in her voice."..And then we can get to the 'I Do's, bouquet throwing and the reception here in the hotel where we get the cake and-"
"Whoa.." I cut in, looking down at her sternly. "Speaking of cake, you need to eat something."
She shakes her head. "Lin..I'd love to eat something..But I can't keep any food down 'cos of the all-day sickness..I mean, I smell anything food-like and I want to throw up..and-"
I glare at her with love and concern. "-You haven't eaten all day..And now that you're eating for three, I will not rest until I know *all* your nutritious needs have been met. Understood?"
She nods, having lost the debate. I smile gratefully and notice that Angel and Wes have done the same. At least I know that they'll always look after her if she ever realises that she's better off without me. That's something I guess.
"So..what's for lunch then?" Cordelia asks, bringing me out of my thoughts yet again.
"Uh.." I look at Angel, who shrugs. Wes and Gunn do the same and then Fred and Lorne as well. I look back at Cordy. "What do you feel like?"
She ponders the question for a few seconds. "Hmmm..uh..Chinese take-out?"
"Aww.." Fred murmurs. "I was hopin' she'd say tacos.."
Gunn squeezes his girlfriend to his chest and rests his head on top of hers. "Sweetie, you can have tacos if you want." She grins and nuzzles closer to him.
I notice Wesley's obvious discomfort, so I look at him. "What about you? What do you want to eat?"
He seems glad for the distraction. "Well..I wouldn't mind some fried rice either to tell the truth."
I nod. "Good choice. Lorne? Angel?"
The green one shrugs and the vampire eyes me as if I've gone crazy. "Ah..Vampire here." He responds. "Not really much of a food eater."
"But you do eat human food, though." Cordelia cuts in.
He nods. "Yeah..but it loses most of it's essence. I only eat as a social thing."
"This is a social thing." She throws back, sounding a little insulted. "I mean, celebratory meal or whatever."
He gives her a small smile. "Okay..Well..I might go with a burrito then..with extra chilli sauce."
"Good." She beams back triumphantly, then looks back at me expectantly. "Well, who's gonna do the food run?"
I grin and shake my head. "I'm goin'..I'm goin'.."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
"Trouble sleeping?"
I jump at the hushed voice behind me. "Jesus Wes!" I hiss, turning to face him. "Don't *do* that!"
He grins. "Sorry."
"Yeah.." I respond in good-natured sarcasm. "Sure you are."
Chuckling, he settles himself on a stool at the kitchen bench, reaching for the coffee pot while I grab him a mug. Once I'm settled across the island from him, he waits a few seconds before asking, "What's troubling you?"
I tilt my head to the side. "What makes you think something's troubling me?" He points at the clock on the wall and then at the coffee in my hand. I smile. "Ah..I see..Well, it's nothing really."
"McDonald. Honestly. You're marrying Cordelia..thus effectively marrying into all our lives as we are all family and I suppose if one member of this family has a problem-"
"-You all have a problem." I finish for him. "How very Brady Bunch of you." At the not-so-impressed look on his face I smirk, "Lighten up. It was a joke."
"And not a very good one."
"Hey! Can I help it if you're just being British?"
"Now that was uncalled for."
"I'm an ex-evil lawyer..what the hell did you expect? Old habits die hard and all that."
He laughs a little at that and I join him. Then he tries again. "So this not so big issue of yours.."
I roll my eyes and decide to lie through my teeth. "It's nothing." I tell him. "I swear."
"And yet I still don't believe you." He throws back. "I mean, what reasonable man would rather be seated in a cold dark kitchen talking to another man at 2 am when he has a woman like Cordelia waiting for him in his bed?"
"Point taken." I nod, concentrating on my coffee. "I'm just..worried."
"About..?"
I look at him and shrug. "Does 'everything' class as an answer?"
"Sounds like I'd better put on another pot." Wesley says, standing up and gesturing at his almost empty mug. "While you start talking. Preferably start with the issue that is disturbing you the most."
I sigh. This is gonna be a long night. Correction- long *morning*. "Okay..first of all, I'm worried about the inevitable day when Cordy's gonna wake up and realise that she's better off without me in her life.."
Wes spins. "What makes you think that?"
"What?" I ask in response. "That it's inevitable she's gonna work it out one day or that she's better off without me? 'Cos the first is really obvious..I mean, she's a smart woman. It's only a matter of time before she does and-"
"What makes you think she's better off without you?" He clarifies, cutting my babbling short. "And don't tell me Angel had anything to do with that logic."
I let out a snort of laughter. "No..He had nothing to do with it." I become sombre again. "It's just that..I'm not sure I'll be a good father..or husband for that matter."
He pauses thoughtfully. "What draws you to that conclusion?"
With a small smile, I stare into my new cup of coffee. "I don't know how to be those things." I murmur sadly.
"Ah..well, I believe it is supposed to come naturally. Paternal instincts and all that-"
"Then why are so many men lacking that so-called 'natural' instinct?" I shoot back.
"Honestly?" He asks. "I have no idea. Some men seem to have that talent and others.." Wesley drifts off, the mixture of sadness and bitterness in his tone somewhat matching my own. Now I'm getting the feeling that he and I are more alike than I first thought.
There is silence again. I look at him after a while and tilt my head to the side. "Not to pry or anything.."
He looks up and sighs, as if already knowing my question. "Yes?"
I glance back at my coffee. "Was your father..I don't know how to put this..did you have a good relationship with him?" He lets out a short and sharp snort and I smile sadly. "Yeah..I wasn't exactly close to mine either."
At that, Wesley nods, slowly putting two and two together. "So that's why you're doubting your own abilities." It's not a question. It's a statement of fact.
I nod in return and let out another sigh. "I was the reason my father married my mom." I smile sadly. "Kinda ironic isn't it?"
"But your situation is different." Wesley reminds me.
My smile brightens. "Yeah..It is. Considerably. I mean, don't get me wrong, my father loved my mom..but he never wanted to settle down. He was going to get a football scholarship and leave that hell hole of a town." I say the words as if reciting a script. Afterall, I'd heard the man say it so many times to me, they kinda got stuck in my head. "And then *I* came along and wrecked his entire life."
"I'm sure that's not the truth."
"Well he sure made it feel like it." I throw back bitterly and glare at my mug. Wincing at the harshness in my voice I apologise to Wesley and continue to rant, my tone a good deal softer. "He started drinking..and when he drank he was an abusive son of a bitch..my mom knew when to stay out of his way, as did my siblings, but me? Not quite..He seemed to seek me out when he was drinking. And tell me over and over that I was the reason his life was so bad. I hated him." I pause and take a gulp of my coffee. Once I place the mug back down in front of me, I keep going, "So after I graduated I sold my soul to Wolfram and Hart, just to skip town..to get away from him. And here I am, about to have kids of my own, and the only role model father figures I've had have either been evil, demon worshipping lawyers..and him."
I stop and wait in silence for Wes to start talking. I mean, he's gotta have some kind of opinion on this. After a minute or so, he looks at me. "I can't say I know exactly what that must feel like, but I can say that under a slightly similar circumstance, I do understand."
"Your father?"
He nods. "My father." After emptying his coffee mug, he starts to tell me about his personal woes. "My father has done nothing but chastise me my entire life. Nothing I have ever done has pleased him. Ever. He has never once shown me an ounce of compassion or concern." Wesley stops and lowers his voice even further. "And when I displeased him..he locked me in the cupboard.."
Although I'm utterly shocked at what he's told me, I'm strangely comforted by the knowledge that Wes has accepted me not only to listen and give advice to, but to also talk to and trust with personal issues. I've actually made a friend. A true friend. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." I look at him, startled by his reaction. He mellows a little. "I do not need to be pitied."
A grin makes its way to my lips and I nod. "Yeah..I know what you mean. But I'm still sorry that neither one of us knows what it's like to hold a good relationship with a father."
"Make that the three of us." Wes and I both jump at Angel's statement and turn to look at him. He stands in the doorway and shrugs. "Vampire stealth. I couldn't help overhearing.." He walks towards his fridge, removes a packet of O pos, pours its contents into a mug, heats it in the microwave and gestures to the empty stool beside me. "Mind if I join you?"
Still confused, I shake my head. "No.."
"Not at all." Wes finishes for me.
Angel settles himself at the counter and takes a swig of his pig's blood. An awkward silence creeps into the room and I look down at the empty mug in my hands. After a little while, I decide to break the ice into this conversation. "So.." Okay, not the most original way to get someone talking, or the most eloquent, but it has proven to work before.
Angel shoots his glance across to me, then looks at Wes and then back at the mug in his hands. "We've all got something in common." He says.
I don't reply. I mean, what am I supposed to say? 'I see..so you've got daddy issues too'? Somehow, I doubt that would help. Looking towards Wes, I see that I'm not the only one that thinks waiting for Angel to speak again on his own accord is a good idea.
A few seconds pass and Angel speaks again. "My father and I didn't exactly get along either." He looks at me. "When I was still human."
I nod. "I gathered that." Although, I can see how there might have been a few strains on their relationship when Angel became a vamp..Like, oh I don't know, being eaten by your own son.
Unaware of my internal rambling, Angel continues. "I was always a failure to him. The rebellious son that could never do anything right." He grins, almost like a defiant teenager. "So that's what I became."
"Okay..You lost me."
He smirks sadly. "He kept beating me..telling me that I was worthless, good for nothing, a failure. I never listened to him..blah blah blah. Of course, that wasn't the truth until I started letting it become the truth. I started going out, womanising, drinking..all of it. I became the rebellious son that he kept telling me I was." A look of reminiscence crawls across his face. "And I'll admit that the whole rebellious scene had its perks.."
Wesley looks horrified. Angel chuckles, but becomes sombre yet again. "But to the night I 'died', I never once pleased that man. Not once. And not once in my wasted human existence did he ever display any concern or compassion for me either."
"Wow. I never figured that you would have come from a background similar to mine.." I say, accidentally speaking aloud. I only meant to *think* that. Cordelia *has* really had an effect on me, hasn't she?
Angel nods. "Tell me about it. I always figured you for a yuppie from the get-go in life." He chuckles sadly. "Yet another example of why it's wrong to judge a book by its cover.."
"Yep." I reply, bringing on the uncomfortable silence again. For a while we sit like this, nobody moving or speaking. Then, somehow, we end up back on the father rant. "..I just hope I can support my family." I hear myself telling the others mid-way during the discussion. "I mean, my father was a hopeless drunk. He never worked and couldn't take care of us kids, so my mom was unable to get a job and consequently we were dirt poor..barely had enough money for clothes or food, or even a house with a bathroom." I shudder at the once-repressed memory. "And I'm scared shitless that I wont be able to provide for Cordelia and the kids..I mean, I'm unemployed just like-"
"Lindsey, Stop." I'm cut off by Angel. "I thought you were going to work here with us? It's a paid job and-"
Now it's my turn to interrupt. Holding up my hand to silence him, I shake my head. "No, Angel. I mean, I promised to help out and I will most definitely handle the legal side of things for you guys, but I *volunteered* to do that. Working with you is part of my redemption. I'm not going to get paid for that. What I really need is a proper day-job. No offence guys, but After Wolfram & Hart, I don't like being handed things on a silver platter. I want to go out and work hard for my living so I can feel like I actually earned the pay." I stop and look at them, "You know what I mean?"
They nod and I smile sadly. "I refuse to be like him. I won't let my kids see me that way. Ever." I stop again. I'm not actually talking to Wesley or Angel, but voicing my thoughts again. "I just hope that *this*-" I motion to myself "-apple fell very, very far from the tree.."
Suddenly I feel compelled to ask Angel about Connor. I mean, who better to ask about raising kids even though you have no idea how? Okay, that thought came out wrong..But you get the general gist. "So, did you..how did you know that you could.." I stop, realising that nothing I've said has made sense. "That's it, I'm just gonna be blunt."
"And you haven't been up 'til now?" Angel grins.
I roll my eyes. "Very funny." Then in serious mode again, I ask "If you never had a good role model for a father, how did you know how to be one for Connor?"
At mention of his son's name, Angel brightens with pride and love. "Honestly?" I nod and he continues. "I don't know. I just knew that he was my little miracle..and he deserved to have the best of everything. Instinct McDonald. It takes over. I can't explain it..but it just does. The difference between my father and I was that I wanted to be a good dad. I wanted my son to feel loved. From there instinct took over." He stops and looks me in the eye. "And that's it. If anything, you will learn from your father's mistakes. It's obvious that you'll make a great dad because you want so badly to be."
"Wow.. Philosophical vampires. There's something you don't see everyday." I grin at him and Wesley chuckles. After another bout of silence I look at them seriously. "Thanks. Both of you. I mean, it's nice..having someone to talk to. Granted, I'm still surprised that you're not trying to rip my head off at the moment-" I smile, "-but I'm not going to argue. I like my head where it is to tell the truth."
The vampire and the ex-watcher laugh and I look at the clock. 2:45am. I've been down here for an hour.
"You should head on up to bed." Wesley tells me, "Before Cordelia notices you missing."
I stand and rinse out my mug. "Yeah..You're right." I move to the door and look back at the others. "Thank you."
Wesley nods. "Anytime."
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Sneaking back into the hotel room, I stop and look down at Cordelia. She's so beautiful..and looks so peaceful right now. A tiny smile creeps onto my face. Dare I try slipping beside her? Or should I avoid disturbing her sleep and just head over to the couch? One more look at Cordelia's content, slumbering form and I've decided.
Couch it is.
"Bed McDonald." I almost jump out of my skin at Cordelia's voice. So much for sleeping soundly. She opens her eyes and looks up at me. "Where have you been?" She demands.
"I couldn't sleep." I shrug, "So, I went and made myself a coffee.."
She rolls her beautiful hazel eyes. "Oh yeah, 'cos caffeine *really* helps people sleep easier."
"I know..not the smartest move..but I just needed to think.." I give her a small smile, "I'm sorry if I disturbed you..I didn't mean to..You need your sleep.."
A smile appears on her face and she rolls her eyes again. "Give it up McDonald." She pats the space beside her and sits up. I watch as the smile fades from her face, and she becomes serious. "We need to talk.."
I nod slowly and sit beside her, my gaze not wavering from hers. "About?"
She hesitates. "Us."
My heart starts to race. Oh god. She's worked it out. She knows that she's made a mistake. She's better off without me. We're not going to get married. She'd rather raise the kids alone..or she's reconsidering Angel's proposition. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god.
Swallowing hard, I look into her eyes. "What about us?"
She smiles and takes my hand in hers. "I need to know that you're not going anywhere..That you're not hiding anything from me..from us. I need you to trust me."
"I..I do trust you..I love you more than anything..I'm not going anywhere..And I'm not hiding anything from you.."
"Then why wont you talk to me?" Her voice quivers and she looks away.
"What?"
I watch as she fights to hide the tears in her eyes. I hate myself for making her cry. For making her doubt me. I don't want to do that to her. She swallows and looks at me again. "There's something going on with you..and you wont talk to me about it.."
"No..Cordelia. I swear. There's nothing going on with me." I raise her hand to my lips and kiss it ever so gently. "I was just..Worried. This afternoon, I was just..shocked more than anything. I mean, the ultrasound made it all so real..and I just don't want to disappoint you..or them..I swear. I'll always be here for you..and for them. I love you too much..I could never hurt you.." I trail kisses up her arm and towards her lips. "I love you."
She smiles brightly and catches my lips with her own. "Good."
I pull away. "I would never do anything to hurt you. You know that, right?"
"I believe you Lindsey. I really do." She looks down. "I just need to hear it every now and then..that's all."
"Then you will." I inform her. "You will have anything you want."
She grins. "I just want you Lindsey."
I chuckle. "And right now I think it's pretty obvious how much I want you.."
"Well..I guess we *do* need to work off all that caffeine induced energy.." She tells me with a wink and a sly smirk, her hands already pulling me closer.
I kiss her deeply and grin. "Yeah..I guess we do.."
****************************
A/N- Lol..I just realised that this is beginning to get to be a very common ending for the chapters in this fic..lol..seriously, no wonder she's up the duff (to coin one of Australia's more annoying 'ocker' phrases, although it's still better than anything that freakin' Croc Hunter can come up with..grrs..not a fan..) with all the comshucking I have them doin'! lol..okay, I'm a 17 year old girl. What do you guys expect? ^_^ No..don't answer. Lol. Anywho, now that u've read this, can u review? Flame me if you must, but tell me why..I live for feedback guys and it helps me get motivated to write. ^_^
Luv ya all
*Neata