So I'm supposed to do what with this chapter? Rui and Tsukushi? Ummm. . . . shit. (stares blankly at keyboard) I feel so inadequate! I am unworthy of your reviews and expectations!!.. ok, enough of that. I actually just meant to apologize that there probably won't be another chapter before I go for vacation. I meant to write the other night, but post exam burnout hit and I went to make doughnuts instead. Mmm.. boilling oil burns. Err. Coherency. Right.

Soujiro woke late the next afternoon with a terrible hangover. Groaning miserably, he rolled out of bed. Despite the dimness of the hotel room in which he found himself, Soujiro squinted painfully, as if searing rays of light were piercing his eyeballs. Fortunately, the girl he'd picked up, whatever her name might have been, seemed to have left earlier in the day. Soujiro grimaced at the memory of last night. At the time, it had seemed like a good idea to try to forget the impending fight with Rui in the warm embraces of some luscious female. Sure the sex had been ok, but in his half- drunk post-coital state, Soujiro's mood turned maudlin, and he'd wanted to cuddle the sleepy woman beside him. She'd merely rolled away, muttering incoherently about needing space while she slept. Soujiro had been disappointed. After giving her what might be the best sex she'd ever have, the woman wouldn't give him what he wanted. Such was the unfairness of life.

Tripping over his discarded clothes, Soujiro found a note, "Had to go to work. Missing you already. Call me sometime," with a scribbled number beneath. He crumpled the slip of paper and threw it in the trash disgustedly. Dressing slowly, to avoid the skull-splitting pain that throbbed with each movement of his head, Soujiro prepared to face what was left of the day. As he exited the room, he slipped on his sunglasses to avoid the seemingly blinding glare of the hall lights. (Luckily, he was used to hangovers and never left home without this one critical accessory). Cursing against the bright sunlight - well, really just a hazy glow-in the street outside, Soujiro wondered what to do with the rest of the day.

He was in a miserable mood again. He could call Akira and find out if Rui had said anything after he'd left last night, but he doubted that would be useful. Soujiro knew as well as any of the rest of the F4, just how incomprehensible Rui's thought processes and non sequiturs could be.

Perhaps, he should just go home and go sleep some more.

Actually, what he really wanted to do was to call Tsukushi, and talk to her before Rui had a chance to. But, he didn't think that was a good idea.

Soujiro reminded himself again of his vow not to hang around Tsukushi. The last thing he needed to do was to provoke more trouble. But she would cheer him up. Somehow, she always did.

"This is not good." Soujiro muttered to himself, "What the hell am I doing getting all dependent on this one dense, uncute, unpolished, working girl? It doesn't make any sense. Why can't I like a girl from my own class? I'm an utter idiot. And why now? I never really noticed her as a real person until recently. She was always just 'the Girl Tsukasa likes,' 'the girl Rui likes,' and 'Tsukasa's girlfriend.' Sure, we did stuff with her, and talked to her, but we never really tried to understand her before. Why am I now? I should have listened to Akira-We're Tsukasa's friends, damn it! I'm supposed to stand by him. If they're not a couple any more, and if she's not with Rui either, than she's not my concern! I can't fall for her. No good can possibly come of it. Even if I did, I'd be a fool to think that Tsukushi would ever trade Tsukasa or Rui for me. After all, I know how little respect she has for my habits. And how could I possibly like a virgin-girl who flees at the mere mention of sex? Hell, how can we even be friends? I'm not a good man; not the kind of man someone like her needs."

Soujiro desperately tried to deny the little conversations and intimate moments he and Tsukushi had shared in recent weeks. "It meant nothing! She just felt sorry for me, like some little pet project." And, "I don't need her! Any warm body would do!" But even as he berated himself, he could not help but remember that Tsukushi was the only girl he knew now who refused to see him as the rich, handsome playboy he was. She didn't flirt, didn't tease, or preen. She told him things, as if his opinion mattered. She even recognized that he had a brain beneath the pretty face. And, she did care, no matter how he might try to convince himself otherwise. Soujiro could not help but remember her willingness to just sit with him in silence when he didn't feel like talking, didn't feel like being witty, or social-when he just didn't want to be alone.

Sure, Tsukushi could be irritating, with her unbelievable naivete and sudden switches between unselfconscious, socially inappropriate outbursts, and the embarrassed anger that so often followed these events. But she meant well, and she had calmed down considerably in the time that he'd known her. And, maybe she wasn't so easily hurt as he feared. After all, she seemed to be resilient enough to withstand the emotional trauma that dating Tsukasa had entailed. Maybe, he was only afraid of hurting her, because he, himself, was afraid of getting hurt.

"Fuck it!" Soujiro cursed as he realized which way his thoughts were trending again. "This is getting me nowhere. I'm not this indecisive!"

Unconsciously, his fingers had made his decision for him, and had already begun dialing Tsukushi's number.

Oh well, Soujiro shrugged, he may as well just take events as they came. Things really couldn't get that much more fucked up, could they?

And still, even as he hit 'send,' conflicting emotions warred within his skull. All he'd seen in his life was that love brought pain and suffering- he wanted to avoid it at all costs. But then, when he was with Tsukushi, he felt calm, less alone, cared for-indeed, almost happy. Which path to take? And why, oh why, did it have to be Tsukushi he felt this way about?

"Hello?" After several rings, Tsukushi answered her phone, sounding slightly out of breath.

"Hey, working girl."

"Hi Soujiro!" Tsukushi blurted, "Look, I'm really sorry about calling you last night-I didn't know you were busy! I hope I didn't interrupt anything!"

"Ah.. . . " This, Soujiro had not expected, "Errr, no, not really. I was just out with Rui and Akira.

"Oh! Ok!" Tsukushi was much relieved. "How are they?"

Soujiro knew she meant, "How's Rui?" He could hear it in the way she chirped with such forced brightness. She was so easy to read. So he replied as casually as he could; disguising how he felt about the whole thing,

"Rui misses you."

There was a long pause. Finally, Tsukushi continued in a sadder, more regretful tone, "Is he doing ok?"

"Yeah, he's coping." Soujiro pointedly did not add, "but he's angry with me." He did however remember one more point, "Oh yeah, and I should warn you-Akira told him about, you know. . . ."

"Oh." Tsukushi's reply was hardly more than a whisper, "What did he say?"

"Err. . . Nothing. He just sat there. And then I left."

"Oh." Tsukushi replied after another pause. "And you? How are you doing? You don't sound too good."

Trust Tsukushi to be able to tell, even over the phone. "Ah, I just drank too much. Not enough sleep."

"Riiiight. . . . " Tsukushi sounded skeptical.

". . . Anyway," Soujiro continued hastily, "Are you doing anything today? There's this new movie I wanted to check out, and I didn't feel like going alone. . . "

"Oh! I'm sorry," Tsukushi was apologetic, "I promised Kazuya I'd go to the amusement park with him."

Indeed, just then, Soujiro heard a familiar childish voice in the background, "Tsukushi-chan! Come on! We're going to be late! Hey, who're you talking to? Let's go!"

Soujiro sighed inaudibly. He wondered if Tsukushi was aware that Kazuya surely considered this a date. Probably not, knowing her.

"Besides," Tsukushi continued teasingly, "I'd be afraid of what you might try in a dark theater! I'm sure you can find some other girl willing to risk your wandering hands!"

Soujiro pouted, "Tsukushi. . . .you wound me! I'd never take advantage of a situation like that!"

"Hmph." Tsukushi snorted in disbelief. "I've really got to go. See you tomorrow? Are you coming to school?"

"Yeah." Soujiro agreed absentmindedly.

"Ok then, bye!" Tsukushi hung up.

"I can't believe I just lost out to Kazuya" Soujiro mumbled to the disconnected phone. How utterly pathetic. Well, at least he did feel somewhat better after hearing her voice. Not that that helped his dilemma any. But he'd take what comfort he could get.

Soujiro finished the long walk home, wrapped in his inner thoughts. Upon his arrival, he headed straight to bed. Some days just weren't worth staying awake for. Especially days that began with a hangover this bad.

----

Monday morning dawned hazy and unseasonably warm. As usual, students trickled into Eitoku, on foot, or in expensive automobiles or limousines as proximity and wealth allowed. At the school gates, in the hallways, and in classrooms, various knots of teens clustered together to begin their day with the usual round of weekend gossip and tales of social one-upmanship.

Tsukushi passed by them all, hoping, without much real expectation of hopes fulfilled, that none of the fresh round of flying rumors involved her.

"Tsukushi-chan!" The high-pitched hyper-excitable tones of Kazuya jerked her from her social isolation. Automatically, Tsukushi smiled, and responded in kind.

"Kazuya! Good morning!"

"Tsukushi! Did you hear about Sanjo's party Friday?? Are you going?"

"Eh?" Tsukushi was confused. She was sure that when Sakurako had invited her, she hadn't mentioned anything about inviting the whole school. 'A small birthday party-just my friends' she'd said. Well, then, it wasn't terribly surprising if she'd changed her mind. The girl didn't really have that many friends, after all. "I suppose I have go, don't I?" It's too much to hope for that she didn't invite Doumyouji, isn't it?

"Oh good!" Kazuya was completely oblivious to the weary resignation in Tsukushi's tone. "Wanna go with me?"

Well, I was going to get Yuki to come keep me company, but I guess Kazuya will be almost as good as a distraction. Tsukushi thought.

"Ok," she smiled, once more totally unaware of the rapturous joy dancing behind Kazuya's eyes. His Tsukushi-chan was going to be his date for the party! He bounded off to class ecstatically, leaving Tsukushi to sink back into her own musings.

----

Off among her own cluster of bitch-fiends, Asai was angling for any ammunition she could use in her campaign to destroy Makino once and for all.

"Didn't she do anything worthy of smearing around? Anything at all?"

"Well, I'm sorry, but I couldn't watch her all weekend." one girl yawned, "I mean, really! My boyfriend was taking me out to dinner, and afterwards- well, you know what he's like in bed! I wasn't going to give that up, just to watch that stupid strumpet for you!"

This earned the poor girl a vicious slap from Asai. "Useless! You're all fucking useless!" she snarled furiously, glaring at one of the more dimwitted of her acquaintances.

This unfortunate bimbo blinked dimly back at Asai. "Did you say you wanted dirt on Makino?" she asked tentatively.

"Idiot! What do you think! . . . Yes!"

"I. . . I thought perhaps you'd gotten tired of that game?" The girl whispered almost inaudibly. . .

"I'm surrounded by incompetents! Did you have something or not, you stupid girl?"

"Well, actually. . . I don't know?" Seeing the storm clouds gathering in Asai's eyes, the poor bimbo hurried on, "Umm, see, a few weeks ago, I was passing through the garden, and I overheard Nishikado and Mimasaka talking about a bet to see who could seduce Makino? Do you think that might be helpful? I wasn't sure. I mean it's not something she did? See. . . " She trailed off uncertainly as Asai began to smirk most evilly.

Now this she could use. If she worked it right, it would be the perfect opportunity to crush both Makino and that asshole Nishikado while she was at it. Now, when-- and how-was the perfect time to strike?

----

The noon hour finally found Tsukushi ensconced outside in her usual spot on the stairs. She was especially grateful for the warm weather today, as Asai had been casting the most unsettlingly gloating glances at her all morning, and Tsukushi needed to escape before they drove her insane. At least out here she could sit in peace and try to figure out what nasty surprise the bitch had in store for her this time.

Actually, Tsukushi found herself drifting off to sleep in the sun-warmed solitude of the stairs. Running around with Kazuya yesterday must have tired her out more than she'd thought.

Her restful reverie was interrupted by a shadow falling across her face. Half expecting to find Soujiro standing at the top of the stairs blocking her sunlight. Tsukushi opened her eyes with a smile already forming on her lips.

The smile dimmed uncertainly, shot back to full wattage, and fell again, all in a space of about a second, as Tsukushi took in the fact that it wasn't Soujiro standing there (the smile faded), but Rui (full power), and he looked. . . upset? Sad? Angry? Hurt? Disappointed? Tsukushi settled for Intense, after failing to define quite what it was that was so disconcerting about that expression (and the smile flickered, failed, was replaced with hesitance).

"Hanazawa Rui." Tsukushi greeted, not even sure what it was about his still form that drove her to such formality.

He merely stood there watching her face run through its gamut of emotions.

"Ah. . Have a seat!. . . How are you doing?" Tsukushi stammered, unable to quite say the thought that bubbled to the surface of her mind. . . It's lonely here without you. I missed you. . . .

Maybe Rui could see some of this written in her eyes. He was after all, almost a mind reader. He took slight pity on her discomfort, and sat. Still, he said nothing. Merely watched, his face still etched with that unfathomable melange of melancholy emotions.

"Fine then!" If he's going to be stubborn, so can I be! Tsukushi slumped back against the wall, and studiously attempted to ignore Rui's piercing gaze.

From time to time, she'd glance up, only to be met by the electric jolt of his marbled eyes. Was it. . . longing she read therein? Tsukushi would blush hotly, and look away, only to be drawn back once more. Now did he look forlorn or discontent? "Rui! Why are you here?" She wanted to scream, to plead at him to answer. . . No, Tsukushi was not, nor had ever been, a huge fan of the communications of silence.

Still, she stubbornly said nothing. He'd come here. He could damned well make the opening move in this game. Acutely Tsukushi recalled Soujiro's warning from yesterday, "Akira told him about. . . you, know. ." Was that it? Was that the only reason he'd finally come back to school to see her? Tsukushi blushed even more crimson than before, unable to even try to meet Rui's eyes. Though actually, why was she blushing? If that was his only reason for coming here, it was totally lame! Tsukushi scowled through her blush.

----

Speaking of the devil, as it were, where was Soujiro at this moment? Tsukushi had supposed he would at least join her for lunch. She'd even brought him a box lunch, just in case, though now it was looking increasingly like it might go uneaten, unless she were to give it to Rui . . .

Actually, Soujiro had been coming to see her; drawn by the same irresistible compulsion that had made him call her yesterday, but he'd been intercepted. And luckily so. As Soujiro had been striding down the empty hallways to the emergency exit, Akira had popped up at his elbow, almost as if from out of nowhere.

"You don't want to do that," He'd said, linking his arm through his friend's and spinning them both around.

"Eh what?" Dizzily, Soujiro blinked.

"I said, you don't want to go there."

"Where?"

"Don't play dumb. Look, I came with Rui. He's out there now."

"Oh." Soujiro replied as nonchalantly as possible, letting Akira pull him in the opposite direction from his desire.

"You want to listen? Could be interesting," Akira asked conspiratorially, wrapping an arm over Soujiro's shoulder and whispering in his ear.

"Why are you so cheerful today?" Soujiro scowled into Akira's manic grin.

"Dude! This is drama!" Akira giggled.

"You're drunk!"

"No, no." Akira shook his head, "It's just, when was the last time you saw Rui showing expression? It's the chance of a lifetime!"

"Yeah well, you seem to forget, that that emotion is directed against me," Soujiro elbowed Akira in the ribs.

"That's why we're going to eavesdrop, not confront! Remember? Besides, don't you want to know what he's going to say?" Akira guided a bemused Soujiro downstairs and around to a slight alcove beneath the stairs, where, if you listened carefully, you could hear everything that went on above, and yet not been seen. It was a mystery to all concerned, how Tsukushi could still be unaware of the existence of this clandestine listening post. But there you were-some people just weren't that observant-especially dense girls like Tsukushi.

With her unerring nose for brewing mischief, Sakurako had already beat the duo here.

"Shh!!" she whispered, "I haven't heard anything yet. Just a lot of silence."

That could be a really good sign, or a really bad one, depending.

----

Up above, Tsukushi had just begun her scowl, when Rui finally broke his silence.

"Why are you doing that terrible thing with your face?"

"What?" Tsukushi gaped.

"The scowl. Doesn't suit you at all."

"I don't feel like smiling"

"You did before."

"Well, and you're one to talk? What're you doing staring at me like that in the first place? It's upsetting!"

"Why?"

"Because you don't say anything! I don't know what you want! Why don't you talk to me?"

"Why?" Not the right answer, not the question that was asked.

Or was it?

----

Down below, the listening trio traded disbelieving glances.

"This is how those two communicate?" Sakurako whispered.

"That's Tsukushi," "That's Rui," Akira and Soujiro shrugged simultaneously. But only Soujiro seemed to realize that Tsukushi had answered Rui's question. Actually, if he thought about it, he could see that her answer embodied all that was really wrong between herself and either Rui or Tsukasa. He didn't bother to share his opinion with the other two however, and merely turned back to listen more attentively to the sitting on the stair above.

----

"Rui! Don't do this!" Tsukushi was saying. But she could not stem the steady stream of words that fell from his lips like tears.

"Haven't I always been there for you? Who was it who always came for you when you needed strength? I was always there to save you from yourself, from Tsukasa. You know I'd never hurt you; not like him. Where did I go wrong this time? What happened? Why wouldn't you let me in? How could you send me away for Soujiro? Wasn't it enough? When has he ever cared for you? When has he cared for anyone?

"Tsukushi, I love you. You taught me that it was ok to care about others- but the only one I want to care about is you-why is that wrong?" His voice was low and urgent, the words remarkably coherent for Rui, the master of non-linear thought.

That didn't make it any easier on Tsukushi. "At least he's not yelling like Tsukasa." was the first thought that came to mind, quickly followed by, "I knew this, but somehow-hearing it makes it harder." If only Rui had spoken to her more before, then perhaps, just perhaps, things might not have turned out this way. For the overwhelming problem with Rui was his unknowability. The habit he had of acting unpredictably-sure, he may have had reasons, but since he wasn't sharing them with the rest of the world, it amounted to nothing. You never knew when he might kiss you one minute, or walk away the next. What irritated him, what made him happy? What did he really value? It was so hard to tell. Tsukushi knew he valued her-in some ways it felt as though he considered her to be 'his,' as if by right of being the first to notice her, the first to win her heart. But she didn't know if he could feel that way about anyone else, or even how much he valued his friends. In so many ways, Rui was still more of a mystery than any of the other members of the F4.

"Rui. . ." Oh god, what am I supposed to say? He's almost my best friend. But. . .

"Tsukushi, can't we start over again? Tell me where it went wrong? At least tell me why you sent me away!" Rui was pleading now.

Tsukushi steeled herself. No good could come of this. No way to say what they both knew to be true without inflicting pain. There was a reason why Tsukushi had so far avoided saying the words.

"Rui, I . . . I don't want you to always be coming after me. To always be protecting me from Doumyouji, from myself. . . "

"But," Rui interrupted, "You need me! You always act without thinking, going off unprepared to face the consequences of your acts. What about that time in New York? What would you have done if I hadn't come for you? You'd probably have gotten mugged, killed even! Or, when you almost drowned at Shigeru's. You would rather I hadn't saved you then? Foolish woman! Why can't you admit you need me?"

"I don't want to be saved all the time!" Tsukushi shot back. She had to make herself yell, as Rui's earnest voice ate away at her defenses. "How am I supposed to learn, to be able to get by on my own, if you're always there looking out for me? Because someday, you won't be-and I need to know how to work through my own mistakes before that happens."

"I'll always be there for you" Rui's low-voiced reply almost drove Tsukushi to tears.

"No you won't be! Nothing lasts forever. Love doesn't last! . . . Rui, I love you like a brother, but I can't be the person you want me to be. I can't go back to that, ever. Not anymore. And some time, you'll realize that too, and move on. What then?"

Rui looked almost as though his heart might break-if it was not already broken. But he continued, nevertheless, "How can you say that? Haven't I stood by you always, though I knew you loved Tsukasa-even when you, yourself wouldn't admit it? I love you because you are who you are. I wouldn't want you to be any other way. Just. . . ."

"Just what, Rui? Can't you see, you're only torturing yourself? You know why I didn't want you around? It's because I can't stand to see you doing this to yourself. To us." Tsukushi really was crying now, "Can't you see, it's no good! I like you too much to let you hurt yourself so. It's not fair to you, when I come crying to you after I fight with Tsukasa-I mean, what are you supposed to think? How are you supposed to feel when I come to you looking for a way to make it all better? When you pull me back together and send me back to him? It's pathological. As if you somehow think that by doing so, I'll change my mind and come back to you."

"You don't understand." Rui's reply was harsh, though his voice was still quiet, "I worry about you. I can't stand to see you hurting. Why can't I be the one to make you happy?"

"I understand perfectly!" Tsukushi cried, "And the answer is the same! Because I love you, but not the same way I loved Tsukasa! You need to move on! And I can't let myself rely on you, because it'll just hold both of us back!"

"Then what about Soujiro? What are you doing with him?" Rui attacked from a new angle.

"What about him? He's nice to talk to. I don't have to worry about him getting jealous of Tsukasa. He listens, without feeling like he has to go and do something about it! He doesn't think he has to go save me from myself, like you do!" Tsukushi paused for breath. "Is that what this is about? You're jealous of him?"

"Yes."

"You and Tsukasa both! What is wrong with you? He's just a friend!"

"He likes you."

"You're kidding," Tsukushi was disconcerted by the direction this conversation was taking. She'd expected Rui to be hurt by her words-what she hadn't expected was for him to pull a Tsukasa and use Soujiro as a scapegoat for their own interpersonal issues. "Soujiro only likes beautiful bimbos. We're just friends."

"You slept with him."

"I've slept with you."

"You trust him."

"Yes." Tsukushi couldn't meet his eyes.

"You don't trust me anymore."

Tsukushi shook her head mutely. Just a fraction of an inch, but it was enough

"Why?"

"You already know." Tsukushi couldn't say it again, that she didn't trust him because he loved her too well.

"Is there anything left to say?"

"Rui. . . . I'm sorry. . . I never meant to hurt you."

"I know." His voice was sad. Sadder than she'd ever heard it, "I'd better leave."

Tsukushi bowed her head between her knees to hide her tears. It wasn't supposed to be like this! Why did she always end up hurting her friends so much?

"Even if you give up on me, Tsukushi, I'll still be here for you. I can't change the way I feel, any more than you can."

Tsukushi could not reply. What was there to say?

Quietly, Rui stood up. He paused a moment, looking down at Tsukushi's crumpled form. Stooping swiftly, he brushed a light kiss across the top of her head, before slouching off down the stairs.

Tsukushi remained immobile. She hadn't thought it could hurt so much. Casing Rui pain left her almost as wrung-out as her fights with Tsukasa. And it was almost worse that Rui hadn't yelled, had hardly raised his voice at all-hadn't even seemed angry-just sad-so very sad. She pulled her knees in closer to her chest and let the tears fall harder while sobs like great gasps wrenched free from her lungs.

Crouched in her fetal position, Tsukushi didn't even move when at last the bell rang for the end of lunch, or yet later when it rang again, signaling the end of the school day. It was not until the light began to fade and the cold autumnal chill settled over her, that Tsukushi finally pulled herself together enough to creep home, and crawl into bed.

----

In their hiding spot beneath the stairs, the three eavesdroppers had listened keenly to the heated words above. Sakurako stated at Soujiro with wide eyes, "So you did sleep with her!"

"Not like that!"

"Why not?"

"Because she's not a beautiful bimbo like you?" Akira suggested sweetly.

"Oh you're really one to talk," Sakurako snarled, "I seem to recall a certain piece of your anatomy comparing unfavorably in size to this," she held up one delicate pinky finger.

Giggling guiltily, Soujiro hushed the two before they broke out into a full- blown fight. "Shh.I want to hear what they have to say!"

". . . .So is he angry with me or not?" Soujiro gave up at last, and asked.

Akira and Sakurako merely shrugged. "Who knows? He doesn't even sound angry with Tsukushi anymore."

"I think he's disappointed," Sakurako opined. "Shh.. he's coming this way."

Fortunately, Rui was too wrapped up in whatever his own inner thoughts might have been to notice the trio hiding in the shadows.

From above, the faint sounds of Tsukushi's sobs filtered through to Soujiro's ears. His feet itched to bring him up those steps to sit by her.

However, Akira noticed his friend's eyes drifting Tsukushi-wards, and grabbed his arm roughly.

"Don't. You want to make things worse?"

"No." Soujiro shook his head.

"Then don't do it, man. Right now, you're probably the last person she needs to see."

"He's right." Sakurako piped up, "Short of Tsukasa at least. Do you really have a thing for her too? What is it about her that draws you guys? She's not very attractive."

Neither boy dignified that last comment with an answer. Someday, they hoped Sakurako would get over her obsession with her own tailor-made looks. Obviously, that day was not today.

"Let's go drink." Akira suggested instead.

And so, with one last regretful glance up at the stairway, Soujiro followed his friend away from where Tsukushi sat alone.

To be continued. . .