Angst is so much fun to write. The great thing about situations where
several guys are after one girl, is that unless she's into orgies or
multiplicatives, somebody always gets to suffer. What fun! The world is a
cruel cruel place.
I'm back from vacation, so here's a new chapter. Luckily I got most of it written right before I left, so I can post it today despite not yet being recovered from a bad hangover plus an all day travel day. Whoo!
*****
As it is wont to do, Tuesday followed Monday.
But really, it just wasn't a day worth talking about. As was to be expected, Tsukushi was miserable. She painfully dragged herself to school, and to work, and home at last. She hadn't paid any attention in class. Her manager at the burger shop had bitched her out repeatedly for her sudden lapses and catatonic starts. And, at home, even Susumu's pleading hadn't been able to drag his sister out of her funk. The F4, of course, were nowhere to be found. Tsukasa was still tied up at home, Akira was keeping a close eye on Soujiro-he didn't want his friend interfering with Tsukushi, and Rui was undoubtedly licking his emotional wounds in private.
All in all, the less said about Tuesday, the better.
----
A living hell doesn't last forever, and Tuesday passed inevitably into Wednesday. It was an ugly morning. Cold rain drizzled drearily from dark clouds, and gusty wind blew it sharply into Tsukushi's face as she trudged to school. There were, at this moment, few places she'd less rather be. Unfortunately, her opinions on this mattered not at all. So here she was, rain splattered and cold, shivering in the pallid florescent glow of the classroom lights. Miserably, she tried to listen to whatever the professor was droning about. If there was any class less easy to pay attention to than composition, Tsukushi didn't know what it might be; who the hell cared about Saussurian theory? As the teacher blithered on about the linked concepts of 'sign,' 'signifier,' and 'signified,' Tsukushi kept finding her own thought revolving repeatedly around what she'd said to Rui. And what he'd said to her.
Sometimes, she thought her head was spinning so fast she might be ill. She certainly hadn't been able to stomach the thought of food yesterday, or this morning. She'd hardly even been able to bring herself to pack Susumu's lunch, much less her own.
Tsukushi stared into space. She felt as though she'd been dishonest with Rui somehow. But how could that be? She told him what she thought was the truth about her feelings. He knew it to be true that she adored him, but only as a friend. So, that wasn't it. And she was equally convinced that she'd not lied about her friendship with Soujiro. No, the nausea that washed through her came from something else. The fact that she'd said, or at least implied, that She could never leave Tsukasa for Rui because she loved Tsukasa too well.
She wasn't sure if that were actually true anymore.
And it was killing her.
Even more than the clawing guilt that tore her insides apart for being cruel to Rui, the very idea that she might love Tsukasa even a fraction less than what she had done, was coming close to destroying her.
How could she not still love Tsukasa? Was she weakening simply because she hadn't seen him in weeks? What could possibly have brought about this paradigm shift?
She was afraid to even think about it too long, lest the thinking make the idea more of a reality.
But Tsukushi could not stop the frantic workings of her mind, no matter how she tried.
Eventually, class stumbled to its conclusion for the morning, and the other students left for lunch. Tsukushi might not even have noticed the end of the lecture, had it not been for the vicious kicks to her chair Asai and each of her friends delivered on their way out the door. Slowly, Tsukushi came to her feet at last, and dragged herself to the lunch room, to curl up, alone, in her usual corner. Surprisingly, Akira and Soujiro were actually in school today. They were eating at another table, surrounded by the usual coterie of girls.
Apparently, Akira had decided it would be a good idea to make a longer appearance in school for once, to make sure everyone still understood the supremacy of the F4, or at least the F2, as the case might be. He'd actually invited Rui to come too, to help kick a little ass after lunch, but the boy had yet to make an appearance. Not that Rui often bothered to participate in the boys' dominance games, but sometimes the reminder of his presence and membership in F4 was needed. Indeed, towards the end of the lunch break, he silently slouched in, as if just now remembering his responsibilities.
"Oh good," Akira nodded at the silent boy. "I was wondering when you'd show."
"Yeah," Soujiro chimed in, pretending he hadn't, in fact, spent most of the lunch period fighting the impulse to sneak a look at Tsukushi, "We need you to help settle this debate."
"Which do you think," Akira picked up smoothly from Soujiro, "Should we beat up those three guys? They're only first years, but they've been making arrogant noises about their own coolness." He pointed one manicured finger at a group of giggling boys in the regulation school uniform, "Or those fools over there?" He lazily indicated another cluster of boys. These few had, oh horror of horrors, taken it upon themselves to shed the Eitoku uniform and were lounging around in jeans and T-shirts.
"I voted for the latter," Soujiro interrupted, "Because they're so visible in their disregard for the rules. I mean we're the only ones allowed not to go in uniform!"
"But the first group is more insidiously offensive to the natural order," Akira disagreed.
"Why should I care?" Rui shrugged.
Akira and Soujiro exchanged disgusted looks.
"Let's just get both of them. That should take care of things for a while." Akira stood up.
"Sure whatever," Soujiro was less than thrilled, but certain things were necessary when you were a member of the most powerful elite. You certainly couldn't let the peons forget their places. "Coming Rui?"
Rui looked distant, but he came. After all, he had decided to come to school today in order to seek distraction in the old rituals of F4; to act and try to think as he had before he'd ever met Tsukushi. Perhaps it was infantile to find refuge in callousness and unfeeling aloofness, but it was effective. He too refused to let himself cast a glance in Tsukushi's direction as he followed the other two boys out of the cafeteria. He did wonder, as he watched Akira and Soujiro methodically extract their chosen victims from the café and teach them lessons they'd not soon forget, how it was Tsukushi could now place so much of her trust in a man like Soujiro. A man who could so ruthlessly destroy any perceived competition for his status. But then, perhaps she'd forgotten who the F4 really were. Then again, Tsukasa was the same way. If he'd been here, he would have been the most violent of any of them. Ok, so maybe it wasn't such a mystery after all.
By the time lunch period was over, Soujiro and Akira had completed their work, and were lounging in the hallway nursing bruised knuckles.
"Damn it, I think I lost skin on the last one." Soujiro moaned, "Rui, you could have helped!"
"What would have been the point? Don't you think we're getting a bit old for this?" Actually, Rui was nursing a secret bit of glee that the last group of boys had fought back enough to do Soujiro some damage before finally being subdued.
"I need a drink." Soujiro muttered, intent on ignoring Rui's comment.
"Good idea," Akira agreed, "I think we're done here for a while. Let's go," He half suspected that Rui would like to take his unhappiness out on Soujiro. Sure, Rui looked calm, and didn't sound mad at all, but it was always good to be on the safe side with these sorts of things. Why else had Akira tried to keep Soujiro away from Tsukushi if not to prevent Rui (or Tsukasa-whichever) from getting more upset? Quickly, to forestall any trouble that might be forthcoming, he grabbed Rui by the elbow and started hauling him off in the direction of the school gates, leaving Soujiro to follow.
He would have been better off grabbing Soujiro. After all, Akira's concern was fairly misplaced, Rui was depressed more than angry. How could he blame Soujiro for being himself and trying to seduce Tsukushi (That was how he saw it-how else could it be?) He could only be sad that Tsukushi saw something there that drew her closer. No, Rui would save his anger for when Soujiro let her down, as he was bound to. How could a playboy like him ever understand Tsukushi or give her what she needed?
Rui let himself be led off docilely.
Soujiro, on the other hand, tarried a moment, as throngs of students poured from the cafeteria on their way to afternoon class.
As the stream began to slow to a trickle, he finally saw Tsukushi slowly making her way towards the exit. It was about damned time she came out! He'd have to hurry, otherwise Akira might notice he'd vanished.
---
Tsukushi looked up, startled, as a lean arm draped over her shoulder.
"You haven't been taking your own advice," a low voice murmured in her ear. There was no need to wonder who it was. "Are you trying to starve yourself? Have you eaten today?"
Tsukushi looked at the wall, at the floor, anywhere but into Soujiro's worried eyes. "I can't."
"Not the correct answer." Soujiro was firm, "When do you start work today?"
"Eh?" Sudden conversational shifts always took Tsukushi by surprise, "Not till four."
"Good. You've got time for lunch after school then. I'll meet you at the school gate?"
"I'm not hungry."
"Irrelevant. Weren't you the one who said you got to keep your strength up no matter what?"
Tsukushi was too depressed to flare up at him as she would normally have done. Instead she just shrank back against the wall, "Leave me alone, Soujiro."
"You don't really want me to do that," he cajoled instead, "Come on, It's a shitty day outside, I bet a hot bowl of udon would do you good."
Tsukushi sighed, "You're not going to let me leave without saying yes, are you?"
"Nope!" He grinned, "How'd you guess? So are you going to let me feed you now?"
Now I know what he felt like when I did this to him, Tsukushi thought. All right then, fair's fair. "Yes mother," she replied with a sarcasm she didn't really feel.
"Good!" Soujiro smiled happily. It's really the least I can do. Releasing Tsukushi, he started to hurry off to where Akira and Rui were surely waiting-hopefully without realizing where he'd gone to. Turing one last time, he flashed Tsukushi a teasing smile. "Just don't Ever expect me to actually cook for you!" he called with a wave.
Tsukushi almost managed a weak attempt at a smile in return. She didn't quite succeed, but it didn't matter; Soujiro had already vanished around the corner.
"Should I have said yes?" Tsukushi wondered miserably. "Somehow I feel like more of a traitor to Rui, now. Could what he said possibly be true? Could Soujiro actually like me?"
"No!" She negated this thought with a violent shake of her head, "He's just returning the favor I did for him. That's all!" A nagging voice whispered in her skull, "Then why did he seem so happy that you agreed to eat with him?" A fresh wave of nausea roiled her stomach, "And more importantly, why did you feel happy that he cared?"
Not wanting to face the answers to these questions, Tsukushi tried her hardest to lose herself in the afternoon lesson. She didn't have much success.
----
Akira, Soujiro, and Rui spent the remainder of the school day holed up in a local bar. Akira was trying to cheer Rui up by getting him drunk. Rui was morosely downing each drink as it arrived, and surreptitiously eyeing Soujiro in between.
As for Soujiro, he was doing his best to pretend he didn't notice Rui's looks. He waited for the dam to burst. If Rui were Tsukasa, the fists would have been flying already. But with Rui, he didn't know what to expect; hell, he didn't even know if Rui was going to attack him. He certainly couldn't ask, now could he? After all, he wasn't really supposed to know what had been said Monday anyway. . .
Akira was getting tired of the tense silences, and went off to find some attractive girls willing to join their table and flirt with Rui.
The second he left, Rui turned bloodshot eyes towards Soujiro, "Why did you do it?"
Soujiro didn't feel like pretending ignorance, or lying, "It was an accident. You think I wanted this?" He stared at the empty glass on the table in front of him, "You know what she's like. . . I never noticed before. . . And then. . . I did. . . . I wish to god I hadn't."
"You should stay away."
"That's what Akira said. You think I didn't try?"
"Don't you have women enough already?"
"Not like that." Soujiro gestured helplessly, "I know you think she belongs to you. And Tsukasa staked his claim long ago. I tried like hell to back off. But you know the truth? She doesn't belong to anyone but herself!" I don't own her, wouldn't even know what to do with her if I did. But who needs to own that girl's heart when she shares it so freely already?
Rui sighed, and stared searchingly at Soujiro. "I know that." He breathed at last.
"Do you really?" Soujiro was skeptical, "The what business do you have telling me what to do?"
Rui's jaw clenched, "I love her."
"So does Tsukasa. That doesn't mean he knows what's best for her either!" Soujiro shot back, his words fueled by recollections of Tsukushi's late night confessions to him.
"And you do?" Rui looked like he might laugh. Or cry. It was hard to tell.
"No, but I don't claim to."
"Don't you dare hurt her."
Soujiro almost said, "No, that's your job-yours and Tsukasa's". But he held his tongue, barely. Instead he just returned Rui's gaze steadily, and replied, "I don't intend to." He stood up smoothly, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got someplace to be."
"Hey!" Akira was just returning with three gorgeous brunettes in tow, "Where are you going? Let me introduce you to these girls. . ."
"Sorry, man. Maybe some other time." Soujiro nodded and winked at the girls, sending them into a cascade of tinkling little giggles. He shrugged his jacket back on, and slipped out into the rain.
Rui stared morosely after his vanishing figure. He had an idea where the other boy was off to. But what could he do? After all, he had helped create this opportunity for Soujiro. All Rui could do was hope that Soujiro was not simply taking advantage of Tsukushi's weakness.
"Ah well," Akira grinned lopsidedly at Rui, "Let me introduce you to the girls. Maybe they can help teach you some manners." Soon he had the three girls seated around Rui, cooing at his handsome looks and trying to entice him into a kiss. Rui simply looked bored. But it was the best Akira could do for now. He too had somewhere he had to be. "Play nice now!" he grinned, and started to leave, "don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
The girls dutifully gave a giggle, and Rui started out of his daze, "You're leaving?"
"Yeah. Have fun!" Akira sauntered off without a backwards glance. His friends never seemed to appreciate the things he did for them. . .
Rui collapsed back with a snort. Fun? With these annoying bimbos? They made too much noise. Instead, he concentrated on drowning out their incessant giggles and cooings in an inordinate amount of alcohol.
---
Soujiro arrived back at Eitoku to find Tsukushi huddled at the gate beneath a leaky umbrella. With her hair plastered to her scalp by gusting raindrops, and her reddened eyes, she looked for all the world like a drowned rat. Idly, she was drawing patterns in the mud with one soggy foot. She had almost forgotten what it was she was waiting for, or why she was even standing in the rain. The cold greyness surrounded her, seemed to seep through her bones, leaving her vacant, empty. She didn't even look up when Soujiro called her name.
"Tsukushi," He called again, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. Still, she contemplated the mud beneath her feet.
"Come on girl!" Soujiro exclaimed, "Snap out of it. You look like the walking dead!"
She looked up at last. It was hard to tell if the wet streaks on her cheeks were rain or tears. "I'm a terrible person, Soujiro."
"What you are, is delusional. That's the hunger talking. Let's get out of this rain before you catch a cold on top of it all." Soujiro shifted his hand from Tsukushi's shoulder to the small of her back, intending to propel her forward by force, if necessary.
Numbly, she walked.
Soujiro shifted his arm once more, to a more comfortable resting position around her waist. Unconsciously, Tsukushi leaned closer to his warmth.
And that scared Soujiro more than anything. "She's supposed to freak out right about now." At any second, he half expected her fist to swing up at him as she called him a lecherous bastard. But the fist never came. "She really is messed up bad over Rui. When she can't get mad, she just gets more depressed." he realized, "but I don't know what to do about it."
So, he did exactly what he'd intended to do before. He took her out to lunch.
Seated in a cozy corner of a nearby café with a steaming bowl of noodles in front of her, Tsukushi finally began to snap out of her daze.
"I feel really stupid, You must think I'm an utter stoner." She contemplated her food.
"Nah, s'ok. I shouldn't have kept you waiting."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh, umm. . .Well, see. We know what happened with Rui," Soujiro admitted shamefacedly.
"What?!" Tsukushi focused fully on Soujiro at last. "We? Who's we? And how do you know?"
"Err. . . " Soujiro had the grace to blush, as he smiled apologetically, "Akira, Sakurako, and I, ah, happened to overhear. . . "
Tsukushi was turning purple with fury, "Just happened to overhear?! That was a private conversation!"
"Ummm. . . Sorry?" Soujiro shrugged haplessly.
Tsukushi glared a minute more. Almost she reached out to slap him, But what was the point? What was done was done. She slumped back down in her seat and dismally began to eat.
Soujiro watched, expecting-and half hoping for-a renewed attack at any moment. At least it would be a positive sign of her fighting spirit. It didn't quite come. Instead what he got was,
"So, since you listened. What did you think? Could I have handled it better?"
"Ah, what?"
"I was asking for your opinion. Surely you have one?" Tsukushi put aside her inner turmoils to focus on the question at hand.
"Err. . ." Soujiro stared back into her brown eyes. How was he supposed to know? It wasn't like he'd ever been in a similar situation, had he? Ok, maybe there were some parallels between Rui and Sara, but it wasn't the same thing at all. . . .
Tsukushi was still waiting for an answer.
"Um, you did the right thing?" He offered at last, lamely. Please don't let her ask about what Rui said about me.
Tsukushi sighed, and unconsciously went back to eating her noodles. When she looked up again, her eyes were teary. "Was it really? I hurt him badly, He's my friend, and I drove him away. . . ."
"Tsukushi! You can't blame yourself for everything! Not all problems in life are solvable!" He knew this only too well, himself. "And besides, you didn't drive him away, you just told him the truth! If he can't handle it, that's his problem, not yours!" Perhaps if he could erase Tsukushi's feelings of guilt, he could help absolve his own. . .
Tsukushi looked way again, "I know you're right, but. . ."
Impulsively, Soujiro reached out and grabbed her hand. "You have to believe it. He'll be ok, once he accepts it. You'll see. Rui's resilient. I mean, he got over Shizuka, didn't he?"
"I suppose so," Tsukushi murmured, as Soujiro's dark eyes willed her to believe.
Soujiro looked down. Good, Tsukushi had finished her lunch. He doubted she'd even noticed the empty bowl. "Come on, then," He stood up and offered Tsukushi his hand, "I'll walk you to work. Which job do you have today?"
"Dango shop." Tsukushi answered automatically as she noticed that somehow Soujiro had got his arm around her waist again. I really shouldn't let him do that. The damned playboy might get ideas. Tsukushi prepared to elbow him sharply in the ribs But she was still damp, and cold, and he was so very warm. Just this once, Tsukushi promised herself, It won't happen again. . . .
Outside, the rain had finally slowed to a light mist. It was still windy and cold, but not as disgusting as it had been. Tsukushi was still grateful for the comforting warmth of Soujiro's arm, "And damn what people think!" she swore silently, "Right now, it feels good, and I don't care!" Almost, she worked up the courage to ask Soujiro why he was being so nice to her. But, fearing an answer she would not be able to bear, she remained silent.
"Are you going to Sakurako's party?" Soujiro asked at last.
"Yeah. I don't want to, but she'll never let me hear the end of it if I don't." There's few things I'd rather do right now than go to a party full of people who hate me.
"I know what you mean."
"She's making you go too?"
"No party is worth going to without the F4 in attendance. She knows it. And that girl knows how to blackmail. We're going." He sighed dramatically.
Tsukushi managed a half-hearted giggle at his woebegone expression, "Just think of all the cute girls Sakurako will invite for you to play with." She teased.
"Yeah. . . If she lets me talk to them at all." Soujiro was as afraid as Akira that the bitch would try to monopolize his time. "Hey, do you need a ride there?"
"No," Tsukushi shook her head, "Kazuya said he'd pick me up."
"Ugh." Soujiro made a face, "I don't know how you can stand that boy."
"We're old friends." Tsukushi said defensively, "He means well." Even if he is hopelessly clueless. "Ah, whatever," Soujiro let it drop. No sense in provoking Tsukushi.
They'd almost reached the plaza where the Dango shop was located.
"Whoa." Soujiro stopped in shock. . . "Is that who I think?" He was staring through the windows of the distant shop, where a glint of wavy red hair could be seen atop a very familiar figure. . .
"Ah," Tsukushi began, "Yeah. You didn't know?"
"Know what? Spill it girl!"
"Akira's been seeing Yuki. . . I thought he would have told you."
"No. . . I thought I saw those two the other week. I just didn't believe it. No wonder he wouldn't tell me who his new girlfriend was! That asshole."
Tsukushi glanced up at him, "Are you mad?" After all, Yuki used to like you.
Soujiro paused, thought about it, shook his head slightly. He had no claim on the girl. He should be glad she'd gotten over him. "What do you think about it?" he said at last. Tsukushi hadn't wanted Yuki to go after him, in the first place. He wanted to know how she felt about the choice of Akira instead.
"I don't know." Tsukushi replied seriously. "Yuki wanted to fall in love so badly. She didn't really accept your rejection. And then Akira came along. You know how charming he can be. . . She seems happy. But can I trust him not to break her heart? I don't know. I just don't know him well enough."
"Akira really is the most responsible of any of us." Soujiro tried to reassure her, or perhaps it was himself he was reassuring. After all, he'd cared for Yuki, just not as much, or in the same way as she'd cared for him. He didn't want her hurt any more than Tsukushi did "And he means well. Has he slept with her yet?"
"What?! You jerk, is that all you can think of?" Tsukushi was shocked.
"Calm down, Tsukushi! It's a valid question. Has he?"
"Err. I don't think so." She would have told me. . .
"Then he probably does really like her as more than just a fling."
"I hope so." Tsukushi wanted to believe that Yuki could find happiness with Akira. And, after all she, herself, had been through, she didn't really have the right anymore to tell her friend who not to get involved with. In fact, Tsukushi was no longer even sure she'd been right in the first place to have warned Yuki off Soujiro. She'd misjudged the boy terribly, she thought, guiltily aware now of how caring he could be when he wasn't off chasing tail.
Soujiro almost forgot that Akira wasn't supposed to know he'd sneaked off to see Tsukushi. But it was too late to vanish now. They'd reached the shop. And, oh shit, he'd been so comfortable with the position, he'd neglected to remove his arm from around Tsukushi.
It would have been too late anyway, even if he had remembered earlier. Yuki had noticed their approach from across the plaza. He eyes had widened in recognition. What was Tsukushi doing with Soujiro like that?! Akira, noticing the look in her eyes, shot a glance out the window before slapping an exasperated palm into his forehead.
"Idiot!" he bit off harsher words.
"What is it?" Yuki leaned closer, "I thought she said there wasn't anything between them!"
"There's not supposed to be. And if there is, It's all him!" Akira growled, "What the fuck is he thinking?! I told him!"
"He likes Tsukushi?" Yuki was shocked.
"I don't know. I just don't understand him anymore. He knows what a bad idea that is."
"Doumyouji?" She meant, Does he know? What will he do?
"And Rui." Akira didn't know the answer to her question, but he did know Tsukasa wasn't the only, or event he most pressing issue right now.
"Oh." Yuki was spared from further reply by the duo's entry to the shop.
Uncomfortable silence ensued, as Soujiro's defiant gaze met Akira's accusing one, and Tsukushi's sad eyes met Yuki's questioning ones.
"We need to talk." Akira directed his words at Soujiro.
"Damned right we do." Soujiro's eyes flicked over at Yuki.
Tsukushi and Yuki just shrugged helplessly at each other. Who could understand men?
Swiftly, Akira leaned over the counter to bestow a quick kiss on Yuki's blushing cheek, before turning to Soujiro. Grabbing his friend's arm, he towed him outside. Tsukushi and Yuki were left to watch through the glass what appeared to be a heated debate. Unfortunately, there was work to be done. Tsukushi slipped into the back to change and when she came out the boys had vanished.
"All right," Yuki said, as he friend reappeared. "The boys are off doing their thing. It's time for us to talk."
"Yes," Tsukushi nodded. It'd been too long since she'd had a real heart-to- heart with Yuki anyway. At the very least it might help her to put her thoughts in order and relieve some of the doubts and confusion swirling within.
"First off, " Yuki began, "are you ok?"
Not the first question Tsukushi had been expecting. "Not really," she admitted.
"I didn't think so." Yuki knew her friend too well. "What's really wrong?" Sure, she had an idea from Akira, and her curiosity about what Tsukushi was doing with Soujiro was nearly overwhelming, but Yuki refrained from directly attacking the matter.
"Ah, well. . . Rui. . . " Tsukushi told the story of Monday's dismal conversation, while Yuki listened sympathetically.
"He took it hard?" She had to ask.
Tsukushi just nodded, "There's more."
"I thought so. Does it have anything to do with Soujiro?"
Tsukushi glanced out to where the two boys had been standing in the rain.
"You want to tell me about it?" Yuki persisted.
"Err. . . Well," Tsukushi still hesitated. She didn't want to say anything that might inadvertently hurt her friend's feelings.
"Oh, don't worry about me!" Yuki said brightly -perhaps too brightly-almost reading Tsukushi's mind. "I think I'm finally over him."
Still, Tsukushi hesitated, "We're just friends, really." She was trying to reassure herself as much as Yuki.
"Tsukushi! Stop worrying about me! I told you I'm fine! Besides," Yuki smiled shyly, "I think I'm going to fall in love with Mimasaka." Her eyes went soft and dreamy as she breathed Akira's name.
"Oh!" exclaimed Tsukushi, "Are you sure?"
Yuki smiled again; a happy grin. "I think so. He's so sweet, and understanding, and. . . " She undoubtedly would have gone on but stopped when she saw the look on Tsukushi's face. "Well," she started apologetically, "I know you're going to warn me that looks can be deceiving, but I think this time, it's going to be real!"
"I'm glad." Tsukushi tried to be cheerful and happy for her friend, despite her doubts and her own low mood. "Really, I'm happy for you." Tsukushi attempted a smile, hoping that Yuki really did know what she was getting into.
"Anyway," Yuki continued more solemnly, "We were talking about you."
"Yeah," Tsukushi frowned, "It's like this; Rui thinks I abandoned him for Soujiro. And well, I don't know. In a way it could be true. . . "
"Well," Yuki's eyebrows shot up, "I can see that. He like you, you know."
"Why does everyone say that?!" Tsukushi exploded.
"Because it's true?" Yuki persisted. She didn't have much evidence to go on, but somehow the words felt right. "You're the only one who can't see it. Don't you like him?"
"Sure." Tsukushi admitted unwillingly, "As a friend. He cares about me, and I care about him. I care about all my friends." And stubbornly, as if the recital would maintain the reality, "Its Tsukasa I love."
"It's more than that." Yuki wouldn't let it drop.
"How can you tell?"
"Has he hit on you recently, tried to kiss you or anything?"
"Err. no. . . "
"Exactly."
"What?!"
But Yuki just smiled mysteriously and went back to cleaning the counter top, leaving Tsukushi to stare blankly out into the empty street. What had Yuki meant? Deep in her subconscious, there was a part of Tsukushi that knew exactly what she'd meant; that Soujiro was only able to bring himself to flirt and Seduce when it was unimportant-when it meant nothing. The second that he actually began to come close to actually caring for someone, that was also the instant he'd back off-trying to preserve the boundaries of his own isolation. Tsukushi knew, and understood, but she'd never admit it to herself. The implications just couldn't be borne in her present state. But, her subconscious tucked the awareness away for a later date.
-----
On leaving the dango shop, the two boys had stood, shivering in the cold mist. Even the heat of their disagreement failed to warm them.
"What the hell do you think you're trying to pull?" Akira demanded, "Didn't I tell you to leave her alone?"
"Why should I? You want her to be miserable by herself? Look at the girl, Akira! It's not right!"
"It's your fault!"
"You don't really believe that."
"I do."
"Then you're a bigger idiot than I thought."
"Why are you being so stubborn? You haven't been acting yourself at all. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong." Nothing that hasn't always been wrong. "Since when can't I talk to whomever I want to?"
"You had your arm around Tsukasa's girlfriend." Forgetting for an instant that she wasn't. Not anymore.
"She's not his girlfriend. And so what if I did? She wasn't exactly objecting!"
Akira sighed in utter frustration. This was getting them nowhere. "Didn't you once fight with Rui for trying to take Tsukushi away from Tsukasa?"
"Sure, didn't you once help to lock those two in a room for the night?"
"That was Tsubaki's idea." Akira objected..
"Still. . . "
"The point is. . ."
"The point is," Soujiro interrupted, "They broke up. Tsukushi and Tsukasa. She's been nice to me. I don't see why I can't return the favor."
"Don't lie to me. I've known you since we were two. There's more. . . Rui was right."
"What?" It's not as if it wasn't obvious. Akira had suspected for days, but Soujiro still preferred to operate on one simple principle-deny everything.
"Oh, gods, he was." Akira could see the answer plainly in Soujiro's eyes. "I never thought to see the day."
"Yeah, what about you and Yuki? When were you going to tell me about that?" Soujiro challenged. Maybe he could change the topic.
"What about Yuki?" It was Akira's turn to get defensive.
"Isn't she a bit young for you?" Soujiro taunted.
"I don't think that's any of your concern." Akira replied coolly.
"Then, what I do with Tsukushi is none of yours!"
"What you do with her affects my other two best friends and that makes it my business!"
"Fine!" Soujiro riposted smoothly, "What you do with Yuki concerns Tsukushi and me, so you damned well better respect her!."
"I didn't think you cared!" Akira shot back.
"Well maybe you don't know me as well as you thought!" Soujiro was really mad now. Why did he have to be fighting in the street like this with his best friend? They should be supporting each other, not bickering like jealous fools.
And just like that, Akira shook his head, paused, and shook it again, as if reading Soujiro's mind and agreeing with what he'd seen there. "We sound like idiots, don't we?"
Taken by surprise, Soujiro nodded, and snorted in agreement, "Yeah, we do."
"I give up." Akira gave his friend a searching look. "You seem determined to have Tsukushi. I'm not going to ask why. But, since you are, I'll assume you know what you're doing. Just please try not to upset Tsukasa or Rui anymore. You know what they can be like." He sounded utterly defeated. He really just wanted all of his friends to be happy.
Soujiro smiled weakly at his friend, "Right. I'm glad you see it my way. You are of course, planning to treat Yuki right, yes?"
"Of course!" Akira protested, "When have I ever let a woman down?"
"You'd better." Soujiro persisted.
Akira laughed suddenly; he'd never before quite realized how stubborn Soujiro could be. "Deal." He held out his hand. Soujiro looked briefly at it, like it might bite, then reached out his own to shake it.
The boys smiled at each other. At least between the two of them, things would be right again. Too bad they couldn't say the same for the rest of the world.
Their brief fight concluded, the two boys walked off together in the direction of the nearest bar. The last thing a casual observer would have heard as they left, would have been Soujiro's almost casual question, "So, what's she like in bed?"
To be continued.
Next time: the party!
This chapter doesn't much resemble the one I set out to write. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but there it is...
I'm back from vacation, so here's a new chapter. Luckily I got most of it written right before I left, so I can post it today despite not yet being recovered from a bad hangover plus an all day travel day. Whoo!
*****
As it is wont to do, Tuesday followed Monday.
But really, it just wasn't a day worth talking about. As was to be expected, Tsukushi was miserable. She painfully dragged herself to school, and to work, and home at last. She hadn't paid any attention in class. Her manager at the burger shop had bitched her out repeatedly for her sudden lapses and catatonic starts. And, at home, even Susumu's pleading hadn't been able to drag his sister out of her funk. The F4, of course, were nowhere to be found. Tsukasa was still tied up at home, Akira was keeping a close eye on Soujiro-he didn't want his friend interfering with Tsukushi, and Rui was undoubtedly licking his emotional wounds in private.
All in all, the less said about Tuesday, the better.
----
A living hell doesn't last forever, and Tuesday passed inevitably into Wednesday. It was an ugly morning. Cold rain drizzled drearily from dark clouds, and gusty wind blew it sharply into Tsukushi's face as she trudged to school. There were, at this moment, few places she'd less rather be. Unfortunately, her opinions on this mattered not at all. So here she was, rain splattered and cold, shivering in the pallid florescent glow of the classroom lights. Miserably, she tried to listen to whatever the professor was droning about. If there was any class less easy to pay attention to than composition, Tsukushi didn't know what it might be; who the hell cared about Saussurian theory? As the teacher blithered on about the linked concepts of 'sign,' 'signifier,' and 'signified,' Tsukushi kept finding her own thought revolving repeatedly around what she'd said to Rui. And what he'd said to her.
Sometimes, she thought her head was spinning so fast she might be ill. She certainly hadn't been able to stomach the thought of food yesterday, or this morning. She'd hardly even been able to bring herself to pack Susumu's lunch, much less her own.
Tsukushi stared into space. She felt as though she'd been dishonest with Rui somehow. But how could that be? She told him what she thought was the truth about her feelings. He knew it to be true that she adored him, but only as a friend. So, that wasn't it. And she was equally convinced that she'd not lied about her friendship with Soujiro. No, the nausea that washed through her came from something else. The fact that she'd said, or at least implied, that She could never leave Tsukasa for Rui because she loved Tsukasa too well.
She wasn't sure if that were actually true anymore.
And it was killing her.
Even more than the clawing guilt that tore her insides apart for being cruel to Rui, the very idea that she might love Tsukasa even a fraction less than what she had done, was coming close to destroying her.
How could she not still love Tsukasa? Was she weakening simply because she hadn't seen him in weeks? What could possibly have brought about this paradigm shift?
She was afraid to even think about it too long, lest the thinking make the idea more of a reality.
But Tsukushi could not stop the frantic workings of her mind, no matter how she tried.
Eventually, class stumbled to its conclusion for the morning, and the other students left for lunch. Tsukushi might not even have noticed the end of the lecture, had it not been for the vicious kicks to her chair Asai and each of her friends delivered on their way out the door. Slowly, Tsukushi came to her feet at last, and dragged herself to the lunch room, to curl up, alone, in her usual corner. Surprisingly, Akira and Soujiro were actually in school today. They were eating at another table, surrounded by the usual coterie of girls.
Apparently, Akira had decided it would be a good idea to make a longer appearance in school for once, to make sure everyone still understood the supremacy of the F4, or at least the F2, as the case might be. He'd actually invited Rui to come too, to help kick a little ass after lunch, but the boy had yet to make an appearance. Not that Rui often bothered to participate in the boys' dominance games, but sometimes the reminder of his presence and membership in F4 was needed. Indeed, towards the end of the lunch break, he silently slouched in, as if just now remembering his responsibilities.
"Oh good," Akira nodded at the silent boy. "I was wondering when you'd show."
"Yeah," Soujiro chimed in, pretending he hadn't, in fact, spent most of the lunch period fighting the impulse to sneak a look at Tsukushi, "We need you to help settle this debate."
"Which do you think," Akira picked up smoothly from Soujiro, "Should we beat up those three guys? They're only first years, but they've been making arrogant noises about their own coolness." He pointed one manicured finger at a group of giggling boys in the regulation school uniform, "Or those fools over there?" He lazily indicated another cluster of boys. These few had, oh horror of horrors, taken it upon themselves to shed the Eitoku uniform and were lounging around in jeans and T-shirts.
"I voted for the latter," Soujiro interrupted, "Because they're so visible in their disregard for the rules. I mean we're the only ones allowed not to go in uniform!"
"But the first group is more insidiously offensive to the natural order," Akira disagreed.
"Why should I care?" Rui shrugged.
Akira and Soujiro exchanged disgusted looks.
"Let's just get both of them. That should take care of things for a while." Akira stood up.
"Sure whatever," Soujiro was less than thrilled, but certain things were necessary when you were a member of the most powerful elite. You certainly couldn't let the peons forget their places. "Coming Rui?"
Rui looked distant, but he came. After all, he had decided to come to school today in order to seek distraction in the old rituals of F4; to act and try to think as he had before he'd ever met Tsukushi. Perhaps it was infantile to find refuge in callousness and unfeeling aloofness, but it was effective. He too refused to let himself cast a glance in Tsukushi's direction as he followed the other two boys out of the cafeteria. He did wonder, as he watched Akira and Soujiro methodically extract their chosen victims from the café and teach them lessons they'd not soon forget, how it was Tsukushi could now place so much of her trust in a man like Soujiro. A man who could so ruthlessly destroy any perceived competition for his status. But then, perhaps she'd forgotten who the F4 really were. Then again, Tsukasa was the same way. If he'd been here, he would have been the most violent of any of them. Ok, so maybe it wasn't such a mystery after all.
By the time lunch period was over, Soujiro and Akira had completed their work, and were lounging in the hallway nursing bruised knuckles.
"Damn it, I think I lost skin on the last one." Soujiro moaned, "Rui, you could have helped!"
"What would have been the point? Don't you think we're getting a bit old for this?" Actually, Rui was nursing a secret bit of glee that the last group of boys had fought back enough to do Soujiro some damage before finally being subdued.
"I need a drink." Soujiro muttered, intent on ignoring Rui's comment.
"Good idea," Akira agreed, "I think we're done here for a while. Let's go," He half suspected that Rui would like to take his unhappiness out on Soujiro. Sure, Rui looked calm, and didn't sound mad at all, but it was always good to be on the safe side with these sorts of things. Why else had Akira tried to keep Soujiro away from Tsukushi if not to prevent Rui (or Tsukasa-whichever) from getting more upset? Quickly, to forestall any trouble that might be forthcoming, he grabbed Rui by the elbow and started hauling him off in the direction of the school gates, leaving Soujiro to follow.
He would have been better off grabbing Soujiro. After all, Akira's concern was fairly misplaced, Rui was depressed more than angry. How could he blame Soujiro for being himself and trying to seduce Tsukushi (That was how he saw it-how else could it be?) He could only be sad that Tsukushi saw something there that drew her closer. No, Rui would save his anger for when Soujiro let her down, as he was bound to. How could a playboy like him ever understand Tsukushi or give her what she needed?
Rui let himself be led off docilely.
Soujiro, on the other hand, tarried a moment, as throngs of students poured from the cafeteria on their way to afternoon class.
As the stream began to slow to a trickle, he finally saw Tsukushi slowly making her way towards the exit. It was about damned time she came out! He'd have to hurry, otherwise Akira might notice he'd vanished.
---
Tsukushi looked up, startled, as a lean arm draped over her shoulder.
"You haven't been taking your own advice," a low voice murmured in her ear. There was no need to wonder who it was. "Are you trying to starve yourself? Have you eaten today?"
Tsukushi looked at the wall, at the floor, anywhere but into Soujiro's worried eyes. "I can't."
"Not the correct answer." Soujiro was firm, "When do you start work today?"
"Eh?" Sudden conversational shifts always took Tsukushi by surprise, "Not till four."
"Good. You've got time for lunch after school then. I'll meet you at the school gate?"
"I'm not hungry."
"Irrelevant. Weren't you the one who said you got to keep your strength up no matter what?"
Tsukushi was too depressed to flare up at him as she would normally have done. Instead she just shrank back against the wall, "Leave me alone, Soujiro."
"You don't really want me to do that," he cajoled instead, "Come on, It's a shitty day outside, I bet a hot bowl of udon would do you good."
Tsukushi sighed, "You're not going to let me leave without saying yes, are you?"
"Nope!" He grinned, "How'd you guess? So are you going to let me feed you now?"
Now I know what he felt like when I did this to him, Tsukushi thought. All right then, fair's fair. "Yes mother," she replied with a sarcasm she didn't really feel.
"Good!" Soujiro smiled happily. It's really the least I can do. Releasing Tsukushi, he started to hurry off to where Akira and Rui were surely waiting-hopefully without realizing where he'd gone to. Turing one last time, he flashed Tsukushi a teasing smile. "Just don't Ever expect me to actually cook for you!" he called with a wave.
Tsukushi almost managed a weak attempt at a smile in return. She didn't quite succeed, but it didn't matter; Soujiro had already vanished around the corner.
"Should I have said yes?" Tsukushi wondered miserably. "Somehow I feel like more of a traitor to Rui, now. Could what he said possibly be true? Could Soujiro actually like me?"
"No!" She negated this thought with a violent shake of her head, "He's just returning the favor I did for him. That's all!" A nagging voice whispered in her skull, "Then why did he seem so happy that you agreed to eat with him?" A fresh wave of nausea roiled her stomach, "And more importantly, why did you feel happy that he cared?"
Not wanting to face the answers to these questions, Tsukushi tried her hardest to lose herself in the afternoon lesson. She didn't have much success.
----
Akira, Soujiro, and Rui spent the remainder of the school day holed up in a local bar. Akira was trying to cheer Rui up by getting him drunk. Rui was morosely downing each drink as it arrived, and surreptitiously eyeing Soujiro in between.
As for Soujiro, he was doing his best to pretend he didn't notice Rui's looks. He waited for the dam to burst. If Rui were Tsukasa, the fists would have been flying already. But with Rui, he didn't know what to expect; hell, he didn't even know if Rui was going to attack him. He certainly couldn't ask, now could he? After all, he wasn't really supposed to know what had been said Monday anyway. . .
Akira was getting tired of the tense silences, and went off to find some attractive girls willing to join their table and flirt with Rui.
The second he left, Rui turned bloodshot eyes towards Soujiro, "Why did you do it?"
Soujiro didn't feel like pretending ignorance, or lying, "It was an accident. You think I wanted this?" He stared at the empty glass on the table in front of him, "You know what she's like. . . I never noticed before. . . And then. . . I did. . . . I wish to god I hadn't."
"You should stay away."
"That's what Akira said. You think I didn't try?"
"Don't you have women enough already?"
"Not like that." Soujiro gestured helplessly, "I know you think she belongs to you. And Tsukasa staked his claim long ago. I tried like hell to back off. But you know the truth? She doesn't belong to anyone but herself!" I don't own her, wouldn't even know what to do with her if I did. But who needs to own that girl's heart when she shares it so freely already?
Rui sighed, and stared searchingly at Soujiro. "I know that." He breathed at last.
"Do you really?" Soujiro was skeptical, "The what business do you have telling me what to do?"
Rui's jaw clenched, "I love her."
"So does Tsukasa. That doesn't mean he knows what's best for her either!" Soujiro shot back, his words fueled by recollections of Tsukushi's late night confessions to him.
"And you do?" Rui looked like he might laugh. Or cry. It was hard to tell.
"No, but I don't claim to."
"Don't you dare hurt her."
Soujiro almost said, "No, that's your job-yours and Tsukasa's". But he held his tongue, barely. Instead he just returned Rui's gaze steadily, and replied, "I don't intend to." He stood up smoothly, "Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got someplace to be."
"Hey!" Akira was just returning with three gorgeous brunettes in tow, "Where are you going? Let me introduce you to these girls. . ."
"Sorry, man. Maybe some other time." Soujiro nodded and winked at the girls, sending them into a cascade of tinkling little giggles. He shrugged his jacket back on, and slipped out into the rain.
Rui stared morosely after his vanishing figure. He had an idea where the other boy was off to. But what could he do? After all, he had helped create this opportunity for Soujiro. All Rui could do was hope that Soujiro was not simply taking advantage of Tsukushi's weakness.
"Ah well," Akira grinned lopsidedly at Rui, "Let me introduce you to the girls. Maybe they can help teach you some manners." Soon he had the three girls seated around Rui, cooing at his handsome looks and trying to entice him into a kiss. Rui simply looked bored. But it was the best Akira could do for now. He too had somewhere he had to be. "Play nice now!" he grinned, and started to leave, "don't do anything I wouldn't do!"
The girls dutifully gave a giggle, and Rui started out of his daze, "You're leaving?"
"Yeah. Have fun!" Akira sauntered off without a backwards glance. His friends never seemed to appreciate the things he did for them. . .
Rui collapsed back with a snort. Fun? With these annoying bimbos? They made too much noise. Instead, he concentrated on drowning out their incessant giggles and cooings in an inordinate amount of alcohol.
---
Soujiro arrived back at Eitoku to find Tsukushi huddled at the gate beneath a leaky umbrella. With her hair plastered to her scalp by gusting raindrops, and her reddened eyes, she looked for all the world like a drowned rat. Idly, she was drawing patterns in the mud with one soggy foot. She had almost forgotten what it was she was waiting for, or why she was even standing in the rain. The cold greyness surrounded her, seemed to seep through her bones, leaving her vacant, empty. She didn't even look up when Soujiro called her name.
"Tsukushi," He called again, reaching out to place a hand on her shoulder. Still, she contemplated the mud beneath her feet.
"Come on girl!" Soujiro exclaimed, "Snap out of it. You look like the walking dead!"
She looked up at last. It was hard to tell if the wet streaks on her cheeks were rain or tears. "I'm a terrible person, Soujiro."
"What you are, is delusional. That's the hunger talking. Let's get out of this rain before you catch a cold on top of it all." Soujiro shifted his hand from Tsukushi's shoulder to the small of her back, intending to propel her forward by force, if necessary.
Numbly, she walked.
Soujiro shifted his arm once more, to a more comfortable resting position around her waist. Unconsciously, Tsukushi leaned closer to his warmth.
And that scared Soujiro more than anything. "She's supposed to freak out right about now." At any second, he half expected her fist to swing up at him as she called him a lecherous bastard. But the fist never came. "She really is messed up bad over Rui. When she can't get mad, she just gets more depressed." he realized, "but I don't know what to do about it."
So, he did exactly what he'd intended to do before. He took her out to lunch.
Seated in a cozy corner of a nearby café with a steaming bowl of noodles in front of her, Tsukushi finally began to snap out of her daze.
"I feel really stupid, You must think I'm an utter stoner." She contemplated her food.
"Nah, s'ok. I shouldn't have kept you waiting."
"That's not what I meant."
"Oh, umm. . .Well, see. We know what happened with Rui," Soujiro admitted shamefacedly.
"What?!" Tsukushi focused fully on Soujiro at last. "We? Who's we? And how do you know?"
"Err. . . " Soujiro had the grace to blush, as he smiled apologetically, "Akira, Sakurako, and I, ah, happened to overhear. . . "
Tsukushi was turning purple with fury, "Just happened to overhear?! That was a private conversation!"
"Ummm. . . Sorry?" Soujiro shrugged haplessly.
Tsukushi glared a minute more. Almost she reached out to slap him, But what was the point? What was done was done. She slumped back down in her seat and dismally began to eat.
Soujiro watched, expecting-and half hoping for-a renewed attack at any moment. At least it would be a positive sign of her fighting spirit. It didn't quite come. Instead what he got was,
"So, since you listened. What did you think? Could I have handled it better?"
"Ah, what?"
"I was asking for your opinion. Surely you have one?" Tsukushi put aside her inner turmoils to focus on the question at hand.
"Err. . ." Soujiro stared back into her brown eyes. How was he supposed to know? It wasn't like he'd ever been in a similar situation, had he? Ok, maybe there were some parallels between Rui and Sara, but it wasn't the same thing at all. . . .
Tsukushi was still waiting for an answer.
"Um, you did the right thing?" He offered at last, lamely. Please don't let her ask about what Rui said about me.
Tsukushi sighed, and unconsciously went back to eating her noodles. When she looked up again, her eyes were teary. "Was it really? I hurt him badly, He's my friend, and I drove him away. . . ."
"Tsukushi! You can't blame yourself for everything! Not all problems in life are solvable!" He knew this only too well, himself. "And besides, you didn't drive him away, you just told him the truth! If he can't handle it, that's his problem, not yours!" Perhaps if he could erase Tsukushi's feelings of guilt, he could help absolve his own. . .
Tsukushi looked way again, "I know you're right, but. . ."
Impulsively, Soujiro reached out and grabbed her hand. "You have to believe it. He'll be ok, once he accepts it. You'll see. Rui's resilient. I mean, he got over Shizuka, didn't he?"
"I suppose so," Tsukushi murmured, as Soujiro's dark eyes willed her to believe.
Soujiro looked down. Good, Tsukushi had finished her lunch. He doubted she'd even noticed the empty bowl. "Come on, then," He stood up and offered Tsukushi his hand, "I'll walk you to work. Which job do you have today?"
"Dango shop." Tsukushi answered automatically as she noticed that somehow Soujiro had got his arm around her waist again. I really shouldn't let him do that. The damned playboy might get ideas. Tsukushi prepared to elbow him sharply in the ribs But she was still damp, and cold, and he was so very warm. Just this once, Tsukushi promised herself, It won't happen again. . . .
Outside, the rain had finally slowed to a light mist. It was still windy and cold, but not as disgusting as it had been. Tsukushi was still grateful for the comforting warmth of Soujiro's arm, "And damn what people think!" she swore silently, "Right now, it feels good, and I don't care!" Almost, she worked up the courage to ask Soujiro why he was being so nice to her. But, fearing an answer she would not be able to bear, she remained silent.
"Are you going to Sakurako's party?" Soujiro asked at last.
"Yeah. I don't want to, but she'll never let me hear the end of it if I don't." There's few things I'd rather do right now than go to a party full of people who hate me.
"I know what you mean."
"She's making you go too?"
"No party is worth going to without the F4 in attendance. She knows it. And that girl knows how to blackmail. We're going." He sighed dramatically.
Tsukushi managed a half-hearted giggle at his woebegone expression, "Just think of all the cute girls Sakurako will invite for you to play with." She teased.
"Yeah. . . If she lets me talk to them at all." Soujiro was as afraid as Akira that the bitch would try to monopolize his time. "Hey, do you need a ride there?"
"No," Tsukushi shook her head, "Kazuya said he'd pick me up."
"Ugh." Soujiro made a face, "I don't know how you can stand that boy."
"We're old friends." Tsukushi said defensively, "He means well." Even if he is hopelessly clueless. "Ah, whatever," Soujiro let it drop. No sense in provoking Tsukushi.
They'd almost reached the plaza where the Dango shop was located.
"Whoa." Soujiro stopped in shock. . . "Is that who I think?" He was staring through the windows of the distant shop, where a glint of wavy red hair could be seen atop a very familiar figure. . .
"Ah," Tsukushi began, "Yeah. You didn't know?"
"Know what? Spill it girl!"
"Akira's been seeing Yuki. . . I thought he would have told you."
"No. . . I thought I saw those two the other week. I just didn't believe it. No wonder he wouldn't tell me who his new girlfriend was! That asshole."
Tsukushi glanced up at him, "Are you mad?" After all, Yuki used to like you.
Soujiro paused, thought about it, shook his head slightly. He had no claim on the girl. He should be glad she'd gotten over him. "What do you think about it?" he said at last. Tsukushi hadn't wanted Yuki to go after him, in the first place. He wanted to know how she felt about the choice of Akira instead.
"I don't know." Tsukushi replied seriously. "Yuki wanted to fall in love so badly. She didn't really accept your rejection. And then Akira came along. You know how charming he can be. . . She seems happy. But can I trust him not to break her heart? I don't know. I just don't know him well enough."
"Akira really is the most responsible of any of us." Soujiro tried to reassure her, or perhaps it was himself he was reassuring. After all, he'd cared for Yuki, just not as much, or in the same way as she'd cared for him. He didn't want her hurt any more than Tsukushi did "And he means well. Has he slept with her yet?"
"What?! You jerk, is that all you can think of?" Tsukushi was shocked.
"Calm down, Tsukushi! It's a valid question. Has he?"
"Err. I don't think so." She would have told me. . .
"Then he probably does really like her as more than just a fling."
"I hope so." Tsukushi wanted to believe that Yuki could find happiness with Akira. And, after all she, herself, had been through, she didn't really have the right anymore to tell her friend who not to get involved with. In fact, Tsukushi was no longer even sure she'd been right in the first place to have warned Yuki off Soujiro. She'd misjudged the boy terribly, she thought, guiltily aware now of how caring he could be when he wasn't off chasing tail.
Soujiro almost forgot that Akira wasn't supposed to know he'd sneaked off to see Tsukushi. But it was too late to vanish now. They'd reached the shop. And, oh shit, he'd been so comfortable with the position, he'd neglected to remove his arm from around Tsukushi.
It would have been too late anyway, even if he had remembered earlier. Yuki had noticed their approach from across the plaza. He eyes had widened in recognition. What was Tsukushi doing with Soujiro like that?! Akira, noticing the look in her eyes, shot a glance out the window before slapping an exasperated palm into his forehead.
"Idiot!" he bit off harsher words.
"What is it?" Yuki leaned closer, "I thought she said there wasn't anything between them!"
"There's not supposed to be. And if there is, It's all him!" Akira growled, "What the fuck is he thinking?! I told him!"
"He likes Tsukushi?" Yuki was shocked.
"I don't know. I just don't understand him anymore. He knows what a bad idea that is."
"Doumyouji?" She meant, Does he know? What will he do?
"And Rui." Akira didn't know the answer to her question, but he did know Tsukasa wasn't the only, or event he most pressing issue right now.
"Oh." Yuki was spared from further reply by the duo's entry to the shop.
Uncomfortable silence ensued, as Soujiro's defiant gaze met Akira's accusing one, and Tsukushi's sad eyes met Yuki's questioning ones.
"We need to talk." Akira directed his words at Soujiro.
"Damned right we do." Soujiro's eyes flicked over at Yuki.
Tsukushi and Yuki just shrugged helplessly at each other. Who could understand men?
Swiftly, Akira leaned over the counter to bestow a quick kiss on Yuki's blushing cheek, before turning to Soujiro. Grabbing his friend's arm, he towed him outside. Tsukushi and Yuki were left to watch through the glass what appeared to be a heated debate. Unfortunately, there was work to be done. Tsukushi slipped into the back to change and when she came out the boys had vanished.
"All right," Yuki said, as he friend reappeared. "The boys are off doing their thing. It's time for us to talk."
"Yes," Tsukushi nodded. It'd been too long since she'd had a real heart-to- heart with Yuki anyway. At the very least it might help her to put her thoughts in order and relieve some of the doubts and confusion swirling within.
"First off, " Yuki began, "are you ok?"
Not the first question Tsukushi had been expecting. "Not really," she admitted.
"I didn't think so." Yuki knew her friend too well. "What's really wrong?" Sure, she had an idea from Akira, and her curiosity about what Tsukushi was doing with Soujiro was nearly overwhelming, but Yuki refrained from directly attacking the matter.
"Ah, well. . . Rui. . . " Tsukushi told the story of Monday's dismal conversation, while Yuki listened sympathetically.
"He took it hard?" She had to ask.
Tsukushi just nodded, "There's more."
"I thought so. Does it have anything to do with Soujiro?"
Tsukushi glanced out to where the two boys had been standing in the rain.
"You want to tell me about it?" Yuki persisted.
"Err. . . Well," Tsukushi still hesitated. She didn't want to say anything that might inadvertently hurt her friend's feelings.
"Oh, don't worry about me!" Yuki said brightly -perhaps too brightly-almost reading Tsukushi's mind. "I think I'm finally over him."
Still, Tsukushi hesitated, "We're just friends, really." She was trying to reassure herself as much as Yuki.
"Tsukushi! Stop worrying about me! I told you I'm fine! Besides," Yuki smiled shyly, "I think I'm going to fall in love with Mimasaka." Her eyes went soft and dreamy as she breathed Akira's name.
"Oh!" exclaimed Tsukushi, "Are you sure?"
Yuki smiled again; a happy grin. "I think so. He's so sweet, and understanding, and. . . " She undoubtedly would have gone on but stopped when she saw the look on Tsukushi's face. "Well," she started apologetically, "I know you're going to warn me that looks can be deceiving, but I think this time, it's going to be real!"
"I'm glad." Tsukushi tried to be cheerful and happy for her friend, despite her doubts and her own low mood. "Really, I'm happy for you." Tsukushi attempted a smile, hoping that Yuki really did know what she was getting into.
"Anyway," Yuki continued more solemnly, "We were talking about you."
"Yeah," Tsukushi frowned, "It's like this; Rui thinks I abandoned him for Soujiro. And well, I don't know. In a way it could be true. . . "
"Well," Yuki's eyebrows shot up, "I can see that. He like you, you know."
"Why does everyone say that?!" Tsukushi exploded.
"Because it's true?" Yuki persisted. She didn't have much evidence to go on, but somehow the words felt right. "You're the only one who can't see it. Don't you like him?"
"Sure." Tsukushi admitted unwillingly, "As a friend. He cares about me, and I care about him. I care about all my friends." And stubbornly, as if the recital would maintain the reality, "Its Tsukasa I love."
"It's more than that." Yuki wouldn't let it drop.
"How can you tell?"
"Has he hit on you recently, tried to kiss you or anything?"
"Err. no. . . "
"Exactly."
"What?!"
But Yuki just smiled mysteriously and went back to cleaning the counter top, leaving Tsukushi to stare blankly out into the empty street. What had Yuki meant? Deep in her subconscious, there was a part of Tsukushi that knew exactly what she'd meant; that Soujiro was only able to bring himself to flirt and Seduce when it was unimportant-when it meant nothing. The second that he actually began to come close to actually caring for someone, that was also the instant he'd back off-trying to preserve the boundaries of his own isolation. Tsukushi knew, and understood, but she'd never admit it to herself. The implications just couldn't be borne in her present state. But, her subconscious tucked the awareness away for a later date.
-----
On leaving the dango shop, the two boys had stood, shivering in the cold mist. Even the heat of their disagreement failed to warm them.
"What the hell do you think you're trying to pull?" Akira demanded, "Didn't I tell you to leave her alone?"
"Why should I? You want her to be miserable by herself? Look at the girl, Akira! It's not right!"
"It's your fault!"
"You don't really believe that."
"I do."
"Then you're a bigger idiot than I thought."
"Why are you being so stubborn? You haven't been acting yourself at all. What the fuck is wrong with you?"
"Nothing's wrong." Nothing that hasn't always been wrong. "Since when can't I talk to whomever I want to?"
"You had your arm around Tsukasa's girlfriend." Forgetting for an instant that she wasn't. Not anymore.
"She's not his girlfriend. And so what if I did? She wasn't exactly objecting!"
Akira sighed in utter frustration. This was getting them nowhere. "Didn't you once fight with Rui for trying to take Tsukushi away from Tsukasa?"
"Sure, didn't you once help to lock those two in a room for the night?"
"That was Tsubaki's idea." Akira objected..
"Still. . . "
"The point is. . ."
"The point is," Soujiro interrupted, "They broke up. Tsukushi and Tsukasa. She's been nice to me. I don't see why I can't return the favor."
"Don't lie to me. I've known you since we were two. There's more. . . Rui was right."
"What?" It's not as if it wasn't obvious. Akira had suspected for days, but Soujiro still preferred to operate on one simple principle-deny everything.
"Oh, gods, he was." Akira could see the answer plainly in Soujiro's eyes. "I never thought to see the day."
"Yeah, what about you and Yuki? When were you going to tell me about that?" Soujiro challenged. Maybe he could change the topic.
"What about Yuki?" It was Akira's turn to get defensive.
"Isn't she a bit young for you?" Soujiro taunted.
"I don't think that's any of your concern." Akira replied coolly.
"Then, what I do with Tsukushi is none of yours!"
"What you do with her affects my other two best friends and that makes it my business!"
"Fine!" Soujiro riposted smoothly, "What you do with Yuki concerns Tsukushi and me, so you damned well better respect her!."
"I didn't think you cared!" Akira shot back.
"Well maybe you don't know me as well as you thought!" Soujiro was really mad now. Why did he have to be fighting in the street like this with his best friend? They should be supporting each other, not bickering like jealous fools.
And just like that, Akira shook his head, paused, and shook it again, as if reading Soujiro's mind and agreeing with what he'd seen there. "We sound like idiots, don't we?"
Taken by surprise, Soujiro nodded, and snorted in agreement, "Yeah, we do."
"I give up." Akira gave his friend a searching look. "You seem determined to have Tsukushi. I'm not going to ask why. But, since you are, I'll assume you know what you're doing. Just please try not to upset Tsukasa or Rui anymore. You know what they can be like." He sounded utterly defeated. He really just wanted all of his friends to be happy.
Soujiro smiled weakly at his friend, "Right. I'm glad you see it my way. You are of course, planning to treat Yuki right, yes?"
"Of course!" Akira protested, "When have I ever let a woman down?"
"You'd better." Soujiro persisted.
Akira laughed suddenly; he'd never before quite realized how stubborn Soujiro could be. "Deal." He held out his hand. Soujiro looked briefly at it, like it might bite, then reached out his own to shake it.
The boys smiled at each other. At least between the two of them, things would be right again. Too bad they couldn't say the same for the rest of the world.
Their brief fight concluded, the two boys walked off together in the direction of the nearest bar. The last thing a casual observer would have heard as they left, would have been Soujiro's almost casual question, "So, what's she like in bed?"
To be continued.
Next time: the party!
This chapter doesn't much resemble the one I set out to write. I don't know if that's a good thing or not, but there it is...