!WARNING! if you choose to read on – you will be subjecting yourself to an extreme !silly!fic! and the author will take no responsibility for any damages that may occur.
Disclaimer – I do not, cannot, and shall NEVER own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in the following story.
Pairings – hey that's a mystery you will just have to find out for yourselves. A slight warning though- there may be some slash but nothing too big, o and yes offcourse there is gonna be loooaaaddss and looooaaddss of mush, slush and sap (what do you expect with a title like that?) as well as some humour (my special brand hope ya like it)
Rating – ERRM this is always the hard part . . .id venture a Pg13 poooosibly an R, but ill warn you if that happens
A/N – my loverly beta (MISS ALEXANDRA POGORELOVA GIVE HER A HAND EVERY1) is unfortunately run off her feet with work, so if you want updates, try and ignore the mistakes.
A/N2 – if you read pleaaaasssee review! =) thankee kindly
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~Cupid Gone Crazy~
The potions class that day was uneasy, they all sat straight in their chairs, facing the board, their eyes darting suspiciously around the room, looking for someone to blame, some weak students fainting from the pressure. All with the same fear in their hearts. You see this particular class was the 7th year combined Slytherin/Gryffindor Potions class. *The* most feared class in the history of Hogwarts. Why, You ask? Well, because this class had one very *special* student: The one, the only Neville Longbottom. At this point you might be slightly confused, and I quite understand. Why was today anything special? Why were the girls and boys of 7th year Potions so very anxious? Well today something never seem before was about to occur, possibly a miracle, definitely something to write home about.
It was nearly the end of class. And Neville had not made *one* mistake. In fact he had been one of the best behaved, most competent students that class had ever seen.
It was unnatural.
It was unheard of.
It was downright scary.
I suppose that's why it all had to go so terribly wrong. Some cosmic Law Of The Universe - And it was etched in stone forever more - Neville Longbottom Shalt Not Succeed.
Poor Neville.
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Neville sat nervously in his desk, occasionally wiping sweaty palms on his robes. His grandmother said he had a problem dealing with pressure; he just couldn't handle it in any way, shape or form. She was right. Neville valiantly fought the urge to flee, every impulse in his tubby body urging him to duck and cover because this semblance of peace couldn't last for long, people always say, when it rains it pours and this was true a thousand times over for poor Neville, and this was definitely to good to be true. But do not delude yourself, Neville stayed seated that day not for any reason of pride or courage, quite the opposite actually, Neville attempted to stay as still and quiet as a stone, a vain attempt to avoid the wrath of one Severus Snape, potions master extraordinaire.
You see Neville had discovered something many years ago, something essential to his survival to this point and hopefully long after.
The rare and elusive Snapernicus Potionaire was an ancient and mysterious creature, distantly related to the Majestic King of the Dinosaurs, T-Rex. The signs were all there to see, the malicious glint in the dark eyes, the uncanny ability to sniff out prey (as well as lies and late homework) and finally the little known fact that the vision of both species was movement sensitive, meaning that they could not see prey if it remained absolutely still.
Yes, Neville congratulated himself, his plan was truly ingenious. Staying still meant staying un-detected. With the help of his own proactive sense of self preservation (a necessity to all bumbling buffoons and tragically coordination impaired among us) and the fact that he had watched Jurassic Park 22 ½ times an once in slow rewind, he had helped people like himself throughout the school and the years to come.
And his plan worked perfectly . . . for most of the class. Until the pressure finally got to him. He cracked. Unlikely as it may seem, his doom came in the form of a carelessly placed pencil. And Life would never be the same again.
As if in slow motion, every head in the room turned, drawn by some sixth sense, in time to see The Pencil of Destruction and Doom (as it would later become known) fell towards the cold stone flaw, revolving and descending as if the very air had become thick as honey, vainly trying to grasp the fallen pencil, to halt its disastrous descent. The classic accompaniment to such a profound moment is a long agonised NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! And Mr. Neville Longbottom did a very good rendition that day, so convincing in fact, so pain filled and . . .well, so very loud, that people in London were seen to wince uncontrollably for no apparent reason.
The pencil landed with a feather light touch. But the echoes of that barely perceived clatter echoed in the silence, it is said, for days to come, as the echoes of that day would echo on throughout history and all the future, causing Longbottoms everywhere, everytime to run and hide in sympathy.
Poor Neville.
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Snape's Head whipped around, black eyes focusing instantly on the infidel who dared to disturb his class.
"LOOONNNGGGBOTTOM! GET UP HERE! NOW!"
As the class shuddered in commiseration, Neville rose slowly from his desk and, like a man condemned faced with his own doom, trudged to the front of the class, turning to face the rest of his class with a respectful squeak of "MEEP! Sir. MEEP!". Neville had the unfortunate tendency to sound like a distressed mouse when talking to Snape.
The class watched, fascinated, as Snape's face turned a previously unknown shade of purple (known forever more as Murderous Potions Master Purple – all the rage in Paris) and his mouth opened and closed, apparently stunned, at a loss for words. But not for long.
Poor Neville.
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"I WILL NOT HAVE THAT KIND OF DISRESPECTFUL BEHAVIOUR IN *MY* CLASS YOUNG MAN!" At every word, Neville seemed to shrink, to sink down into the floor, leaving a hopelessly enthralled class to strain their necks in order to peer over the teacher's desk (Personal injury? Phhh! They would bill Neville for the chiropractor's bill later. Anything in the name of education.)
"Euh! . . .S-Sorry S-Sir! (damn that s-s-s-stutter)" Screwing his eyes tight closed, Neville repeated the frantic mantra – He *cannot* kill me. He *cannot* kill me. HE *CANNOT* KILL ME! –
Sighing with what little patience a long suffering, celibate, potions master can have, Snape reminded himself that – He *could not* kill the boy. He *could not* kill the boy. HE *COULD NOT* KILL THE BOY, GODS DAMN IT! –
Smiling evilly, Snape contented himself with a –
"Detention, Mr. Longbottom. A *lot* of detention. Enough *detention* to keep you occupied for the rest of your doubtfully long life."
- Though he was uncertain if that was more a punishment for himself than for Longbottom, it was the least he could do.
Before Neville, or the rest of the class could heave an enormous collective sigh of relief, Snape continued with unfeigned and completely unhidden malicious glee –
"But for *now* Longbottom, how 'bout you complete the potion written on the board. If you please. The most incredibly difficult, amazingly complex and mind bogglingly dangerous potion ever created called, as you would no doubt know Mr. Longbottom . . . . . Love Potion No. 9 . . ."
When the class simply sat in stupefied silence, Snape roared "NOOOOOOOOOOOOWWWWWWWW" and people all over the world winced for the second time that day, the people trapped in that dungeon-cum-classroom unanimously deciding now would be a good time for a little of that Invisible Potion they had learnt the previous lesson, or even better that Transportation charm they had all studied for weeks last semester. Unfortunately, no one *ever* payed attention to completely unnecessary things like class at Hogwarts, well they never had before today, so they were all doomed to the kindness (or was it fickleness?) of fate and the remarkably unsuitable, amazingly deficient talents of Neville Longbottom.
Poor Neville.
. . . . . . . . . POOR CLASS!
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*cue spooky lighting*
MWUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA (yes that is my pitiful attempt at an evil laugh)
Can You Say Cliff Hanger? . . . I can =D
If you want to find out exactly what monstrous mistake Nevil manages to make *this* time REVIEW! It is my ambrosia and reviewers are all gods in my book. They may even get personal updates . . if they ask nicely =D
Stay tuned for the next instalment of . . . . .CUPID GONE CRAZY
Hmmmm I think a little A/N would be nice right about . . here . . .I'm 13, from Australia and ive been writing this and other thing all day., so check out my other stuff and I also write as miss_mighty_Aphrodite. Ciao bella (or beau)(yes I no that's French*rolls eyes*)
Ooo and hey im um . . trilingual . . yeah that's it . . . .that would be English (you tell me if im any good, I hope so, it is my first language), Japanese – 7yrs and im still not that good lol and french – only one year and I dropped that sucker faster than you can say Ooh la la! So yeah not very good there. But ne way . . . .
THANX MUCHLY!!!
Oh and btw if you save your stories in .html format – tall your formatting tends to stay there ie. Bolds, italics, centred, etc. just thought id mention that.