!WARNING! if you choose to read on – you will be subjecting yourself to an extreme !silly!fic! and the author will take no responsibility for any damages that may occur.
Disclaimer – I do not, cannot, and shall NEVER own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in the following story.
Pairings – hey that's a mystery you will just have to find out for yourselves. A slight warning though- there may be some slash but nothing too big, o and yes offcourse there is gonna be loooaaaddss and looooaaddss of mush, slush and sap (what do you expect with a title like that?) as well as some humour (my special brand hope ya like it)
Rating – ERRM this is always the hard part . . .id venture a Pg13 poooosibly an R, but ill warn you if that happens
A/N – my loverly beta (MISS LEXY POGO-stick GIVE HER A HAND EVERY1) is unfortunately run off her feet with work, so if you want updates, try and ignore the mistakes.
A/N2 – if you read pleaaaasssee review! =) thankee kindly
Thanx 2 – Michelle Palmer, Ivory Tower and Miss Marauder who all reviewed my first chapter.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
~Cupid Gone Crazy~
. . . . "But for *now* Longbottom, how 'bout you complete the potion written on the board, if you please. The most incredibly difficult, amazingly complex and mind bogglingly dangerous potion ever created called, as you would no doubt know Mr. Longbottom . . . . . Love Potion No. 9 . . ." . . . .
From Neville's point of view, (the point of view of a cowering, vertically challenged 7th year student in Potions Class – or – an inch from the floor (for those of you yet to witness such a spectacle)), Snape looked like a giant - a very angry, very powerful . . . very *tall* giant – and who was he to argue with a giant, *any* kind of giant. And so obligingly, stuttering and shaking the whole time, Nevil began to gather the ingredients listed on the dusty blackboard.
. . . . Eye of newt and wing of bat, tongue of dog and tail of cat . . . .
Now that seemed rather familiar somehow.(hmmmm de ja vu! Double double toil and trouble, fire burn and cauldron bubble – stereotypical trash . . . doenst matter if its true) Animal parts – rather squiky animal parts - not exactly *modern* potions ingredients, no sodium hydroxide here, not even paprika . . . very unusual . . . but then, Nevil supposed (as Nevil *never* should*) that love potions *were* some of the most ancient potions and spells, so they were allowed to be a little outdated.
After the obligatory Odds and Ends and Bits and Pieces were added, the potion was shaping up to be rather . . . *unusual*, even by magical standards. It fizzled and popped, it belched and hiccuped (a little too realistic for Neville's tastes . . . but where did it say that a potion couldn't display terrifyingly humanoid characteristics), it swirled and whirled, a mesmerising mix of rainbow colours . . . and, as always when you mix a rainbow of colours, the resulting potion was one helluva horrible, sickly, muddy brown colour . . . awfully appetising wouldn't you say?
Neville scrambled frenziedly for the crushed nightshade (hang on a sec isn't that poison . . .oh oooh), blindly grabbing a fistful of dried flowers and adding it to the simmering monstrosity. As the class watched on in horrified fascination, they realised that Neville really needed to look at what he was grabbing in the future because they had the sneaking suspicion that a combined handful of dried forget-me-nots and baby's breath petals would cause a decidedly *different* reaction in a potion that called for nightshade. A delightful mixture of doomed terror and terrified disbelief dawned across the faces of the students who were there to witness Neville's Great Mistake that day.
Poor Neville.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
His hand shaking and trembling uncontrollably, Neville finished combining the ingredients. Taking a moment to look out over the class and possibly say a final farewell to his classmates, Neville saw every single person making some strange movement, trying to wave their arms around frantically while escaping Snape's notice or desperately miming drinking motions then drawing one finger across their throats, their eyes rolling back in their heads and their tongues lolling out of their mouths. Sadly, Neville had never been good at charades and so taking a deep (possibly last) breath, Neville reached for a glass and poured a small amount. Well at least the glass didn't melt or anything . . . maybe the potion was saving itself to inflict more damage later, unfortunately later it would be in Neville's bladder . . .
With never before seen courage (and stupidity) Neville Longbottom downed the glass of strange potion, his throat working and contracting, his Adam's Apple bobbing as the slimy concoction slid down his oesophagus and entered the wonderful world of Neville's Digestive System!
At the very same moment, Professor Severus Snape returned from his store room, where he had retreated as soon as Neville had begun to put together the potion, and saw the very same boy *drinking* that potion. The potion that was supposed to be used as a salve. THE HIGHLY POISONOUS POTION!
"LOOOOOOOONNNGGGBOOTTTTOOOOOOOM!!!!!!! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!! YOU DON'T DRINK IT YOU IMBECILE!!!!!!!"
Poor (dead?) Neville
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Once more that day, Slow Motion seemed to take over and the glass fell, light glinting off it as it slowly toppled to the stone floor, there to shatter into a million pieces, an almost musical tinkle that was the death scream of all magical glassware (who'd a thunk it) seeming to fill the classroom. But all this was instantly forgotten in the face of what happened next.
Neville simply stood there for a moment before his eyes rolled back into his head and he crumpled to the floor to lie like a child's play thing, forgotten rag doll, silent and still without anyone to animate it. The silence was absolute and shocking, before all hell broke loose.
"What the . . ."
"Is he . . ."
"Should we . . ."
"SIIIIIIIIILENCE! GET THIS BOY TO THE HOSPITAL WING! YESTERDAY!"
Snape's almighty roar had the desired affect and five students scrambled forward over desks and chairs (and other students) to help their fallen comrade, one running to supposedly inform Madame Pomfry of Neville's imminent arrival, but in reality running all over the school shouting –
"AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH NEVILLE'S DEEEEAAAADDD HEEE'S DEEAAAAAAAAADDDD"
- and insuring a nice crowd had built by the time the other four boys arrived at the hospital wing carrying Neville with them.
Poor Neville – he never liked crowds.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
Neville remained silent and still, paler than the pristine white linens as all the people gathered gradually drifted away in search of more entertaining pastimes. Only Snape and Madame Pomfry remained, whispering confidentially to each other as they watched over Neville's unmoving (but thankfully ALIVE – if not necessarily well) body.
"Professor, You must tell me what this boy has ingested! This is a matter of LIFE AND DEATH!" Madame Pomfry most resembled a mother hen, her feathers ruffled and the fox sneaking around after her chicks.
"MADAME! ENOUGH! I would tell you if I *could*. That is the very problem! He made so many damn mistakes that we cannot know what the resulting potion could have done when ingested, and because we do not know exactly what was in the potion, we cannot know how to concoct the antidote!"
"Oh deaaar Professor! You really have *no* idea what the poor boy used? Oh dear oh dear oh dear we MUST inform Dumbledore *immediately*!"
"Unfortunately Madame, the headmaster is away in the wilds of India, he is completely unreachable and will not return for at least a week. Luckily my students inform me that Longbottom did not include the nightshade, so I feel it is safe to say we should be able to keep him alive until the headmaster can return. I hope. The only question *is*, with all the strange ingredients he used, what kind of potion has Longbottom invented? And what strange effects will if have . . . .?"
If only they knew.
Poor Neville.
*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*
TBC!!!!!
A/N heh dw the next chapter *is* coming I promise
- because im on summer holidays I will probably be able to update at least one of my stories every day or two.
I really like this story – what do u think? . . hmmmm . . I wonder what's going to happen . . .