I suppose I shouldn't steal the names of real places to use in this
thing. But I'm too lazy to come up with my own.
"I should have done something." Tsukushi and Soujiro were seated in a comfortable booth upstairs at the Other Side café. Tsukushi's hands were tightly wrapped around a mug of steaming tea.
"Oh, come on Tsukushi. What could you have done?" Soujiro had been trying to reason with Tsukushi ever since they'd left Sakurako's place.
"If I hadn't run away when he kissed me. . ."
"If he'd only listened to you in the first place. . . What's done is done. You know what he's like. He'll calm down by tomorrow."
"I suppose. I feel like such an idiot running away, though." Tsukushi sighed into her tea.
"Yeah, so? Better dumb than dead."
"He wouldn't have done anything, really." Tsukushi protested. "He doesn't hurt people anymore."
"Maybe not you." Soujiro shuddered. "But you didn't see the look in his eyes. I did. I've only seen that look a few times before. . . Each time, I hoped never to see it again. I certainly never wanted to see it directed against me. There was no fucking way I was gonna stick around that place. I'd like to keep the face I have, thank you very much."
Tsukushi smiled half-heartedly, "It's a nice face."
Soujiro flashed a quick grin, "Hey, you finally admitted it!"
"Ah. Err." Tsukushi stammered defensively, "I just don't want to see Doumyouji breaking it. That's all!" with a blush, she added, "It's probably my fault he's mad at you anyway. . . I wonder what set him off like that to begin with?"
Soujiro shrugged bitterly, "Have you forgotten already? He already thought something was going on. And given the vicious gossips at school, it's hardly surprising that he heard something that resonated. . ."
"Arghh. . . You're probably right." Tsukushi scowled, and thought hard, "Asai was looking particularly malicious all day. . I wonder if she had something to with it?"
Soujiro waved a hand in dismissal, "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? The real question is, what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know." Tsukushi looked away. "I. . .. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore right now, ok?" Silently, she added, "I need to think about things. Decide what it is I really want. Do I want to be happy, or do I want Doumyouji?"
Soujiro nodded. He knew all about the need to keep everything inside. Tsukushi would undoubtedly tell him about it in her own good time.
"Hey! There you are!" Akira's cheerful voice broke the silence, as he strode over to where Tsukushi and Soujiro sat, with Yuki wrapped in one arm.
Tsukushi smiled with relief to see her friend, "Yuki!" she exclaimed, "I'm sorry I never got the chance to talk to you at the party! How are you?"
"I'm fine!" Yuki smiled cheerfully, "We were worried about you, though. How are you doing? What happened with You and Doumyouji?"
Tsukushi was forced into a fresh round of explanations of what had passed between Tsukasa and herself. Akira and Yuki listened intently, as did Soujiro. Her speech was much more coherent this time around.
"Oh!" Yuki exclaimed, as Tsukushi finished her tale. The two boys just looked faintly embarrassed. For so many years, they'd tried to train Tsukasa to understand women. It was painfully obvious to the both of them that they'd failed utterly. One of the most basic lessons you can possibly learn is when is the right moment to kiss a girl. If you choose your moment opportunely, the likelihood is high that she'll melt in your arms and forgive you anything. If, however, you can't even gauge the mood adequately and choose poorly, you'll be as likely to receive a slap in the face, and lose the girl forever. If only Tsukasa wasn't so dense. If only Tsukushi was more receptive, it might have worked. But no.
"He's an idiot." Soujiro and Akira agreed. "But we knew that already."
"And what about you?" Tsukushi questioned, "What happened after we left?"
"Ah, not much," Akira waved her query aside, "We held Tsukasa as long as we could, before he kicked our asses. Looks like it was long enough."
"Thanks man," Soujiro broke in, "I owe you one."
"Dude, you owe me more than one. It fucking hurt!" Akira exclaimed, "Hell, why do you have to go make my life so difficult?"
"Sorry," Soujiro refused to look too repentant, though.
"Geez. I warned you, and warned you, man. I wish someone would take my advice for once." The pain was plainly making Akira feel put upon.
"Hey!" Tsukushi scowled, "Why are you picking on Soujiro? If you're gonna blame someone here, you may as well blame me. Or better yet Tsukasa. No one told him to act like a moron."
"A jealous moron." Akira pointed out, giving Soujiro a significant glance. "What exactly were the two of you doing on that porch, anyway?"
"Nothing!" Tsukushi spoke hastily, even as a slow flush crept over her cheeks.
'Talking." Soujiro drawled much more calmly.
"Riiight. . ." Akira's skepticism was plain in the arch of his brow. But he declined to pursue the subject further.
"Please don't fight." Yuki spoke softly. "Haven't you done enough of that tonight?" Unintentionally, she ended with a tired yawn.
"She's right." Tsukushi took the opportunity to change the subject, "It's getting late. I need to get sleep." Or at least to toss and turn in emotional turmoil all night long.
"Indeed." Akira took the cue, "Yuki, are you ready to go?" She nodded, and he helped her to her feet. "We should do lunch tomorrow, Soujiro. Figure out how you want to handle Tsukasa."
"Right. I'll give you a call in the afternoon." Soujiro agreed. "Thanks again."
"No prob. . . Sleep well, Makino."
"'Night Tsukushi." Yuki echoed with a sweet smile, "I'll talk to you tomorrow!" Akira draped his arm back around her shoulder, and the two headed for the exit.
Right before reaching the stairs down, Akira looked back over his shoulder and directed a slow wink and lazy smile at Soujiro.
Tsukushi was fiddling with her now empty mug and failed to notice the look. However, she couldn't avoid hearing Soujiro's snort as he muttered under his breath, "If that meant what I think, then I don't owe him anything! He's getting paid in full tonight, that's for sure. Guy gets to be a hero."
"Huh?" Tsukushi's ears perked up. "What are you talking about?"
Oops. He hadn't meant to say it aloud. "Err.. nothing. . ."
"Ummm." Tsukushi seemed to be deeply involved in examining the pseudo- woodgrain of the table top, "Yuki was very quiet. I wonder why?"
Soujiro knew. He could tell the signs. The way Akira's arm was always around Yuki, or his hand entwined with hers. The way she had spent much of the conversation watching him, or gazing into his eyes. Yeah, Yuki had fallen for Akira. Hard. His role in the defense of Tsukushi certainly hadn't hurt matters either. He didn't doubt Akira would be reaping the rewards, if not tonight, then soon. He wondered if he should tell Tsukushi. She'd probably flip out. He didn't see why the girl was so twitchy when it came to the idea of sex. Akira was lucky that Yuki didn't seem to have picked up her friend's unhealthily puritan attitude. At least he knew that with Akira, the girl would have nothing to worry about. Akira knew what he was doing. Even his ex-girlfriends tended to adore him. Soujiro smiled to himself. No. he wasn't going to tell Tsukushi. Let her hear it from Yuki.
Perhaps Tsukushi could read something of what was going through Soujiro's mind, or perhaps she understood more than she was willing to admit, for she suddenly burst out with an unexpected question.
"Soujiro," she asked, continuing her intense perusal of the table, "What's sex like?"
"Eh?!" He was rather taken aback. What kind of question was that coming from Tsukushi? Soujiro was too startled to formulate an adequate reply. Instead, he responded by pure reflex, reaching across the table to grasp Tsukushi's chin and tilt her face up 'till her eyes met his, "If you really want to know, I can show you. . ." He gave an inviting leer.
Tsukushi withdrew as if his touch was poisonous. With a sudden snakelike motion, she slapped him across the face. "I was serious!" She slumped back into the corner of the seat.
"Ow! What'd you do that for?" Soujiro held a hand to his injured cheek, "I was too!"
Tsukushi's face seemed to close in on itself. "I'm leaving." How could I forget, even for a minute, what a player he is? She cursed herself mentally.
"Hey wait! I'm sorry!" He grabbed her wrist before she could stand up.
"Let me go." Tsukushi glared tiredly at him. "I don't have the energy for your games."
"I'm not playing any. Look, I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn. But I'd really like to know, what do you have against sex anyway? What's the big deal? Why didn't you and Tsukasa ever. . . ?"
"Why do you care!?" Tsukushi turned on Soujiro furiously, "Why don't you go back to your little playmates and leave me alone! I'm sure there's some bimbo around you can amuse yourself with tonight! Let me go!" she wrenched her wrist from his grasp and stood, turning away to pull her jacket on. "Damn it, I can't see straight, there must be something in my eyes," she muttered as uncontrollable tears streamed down her face. She didn't want Soujiro to see them. Hastily she wiped futilely at her eyes. Now where were the stairs again?
Soujiro swiftly slid out from his seat and wrapped his arms around the sobbing girl. "Shh. calm down, Tsukushi. It was just a question. You don't have to answer." Damn, he hadn't been expecting quite such an overreaction. Maybe a slap or a glare. Not this. He wondered just what had provoked her outburst. Soujiro was intrigued, despite himself. Maybe there was more than just her usual puritanical streak at work?
His chest was reassuringly solid against her back. Tsukushi gulped, trying to regain her equilibrium, "I'm sorry." She managed at last, "I don't know what came over me. You can let me go now."
"S'ok" Soujiro murmured, not easing his hold on her waist in any way, "But I'm not releasing you till you tell me why."
"Why what?"
"Why you and Tsukasa never hooked up." He replied patiently.
"Why is it so important?"
"Well, given that he wants to kill me right now, I'm looking for reasons. Maybe there's something in that? It's obvious that he wants to. Come on, Tsukushi, you owe me. Is it really that hard to talk about?"
"Oh, you're really one to talk!" Tsukushi twisted in his arms to glare up at him, "You never tell anyone anything!"
"I talk to you." He maintained his reasonable tone, with difficulty.
"Only under duress!"
"Well, fine, you're under duress now. Besides you owe me! If Tsukasa kills me, I'm blaming you. You did say it was your fault, after all."
"Asshole." He was right, however; she owed him. And maybe it would be good to talk about it with someone other than Yuki. "I give up" she sighed in resignation, "But not here."
"Good girl." Soujiro pretended not to notice that as Tsukushi gave in, it seemed that the greater part of the strength that had been holding her up departed, and he was left supporting the weary girl. Not that he minded, really. She didn't weigh much. And she was cuddly. Even if she was an utter spaz. "Let's get out of here."
He flicked open his cell phone, calling his chauffeur to come pick them up.
"Where are we going?" Tsukushi asked tiredly, as Soujiro escorted her into the waiting vehicle.
"My place." Soujiro decided, "It's quiet. No one else should be awake."
"Oh." She didn't really care. Everything seemed to be fading into the distance. Nothing mattered particularly. Though she was distantly grateful that he wasn't forcing her to go to another hotel room. That she didn't think she could abide.
--------
Soujiro spent much of the ride home wondering what it was he was doing. Akira had been right, he really wasn't acting like himself at all anymore. 'What ever happened to the man who couldn't relate to women except in bed? Why did I start to care about Makino, of all people? A few months ago, she was just that 'immature weed-girl' in charge of taming the beast that is Tsukasa. And now, I actually care about her? And I've never even fucked her. . . There was a time when I would never have imagined taking a girl home for any reason. Hotel rooms, yes, but my personal space, never. Now, I'm taking Tsukushi. Why? Because I want to understand her, to figure out what's going on in that dense little head of hers? Do I really think I can do anything about her pain besides adding to it? Or is it just that I want her to understand me?' He stared moodily out the window. 'I'm an idiot. I should be out making love to that blonde from the party. Not here, going home with a confused girl who isn't sexy in the least.
'But, unlike the other-Somehow, this feels right. . . . And damn the consequences.'
Now if only he could give up the bad, and wholly unfulfilling habit of sleeping around. That would be real progress.
----
Tsukushi likewise was silent throughout the drive to Soujiro's family estate. She didn't understand what she was doing. It was bizarre how she had so easily fallen into the habit of trusting this inconsistent, moody man. At least Tsukasa was consistent in his stupidity. But she never knew what Soujiro was going to say or do next, or when he was going to have a sudden mood swing from cheerful to utterly depressed, or forget her utterly to chase loose women for that matter. Not that she was much better right now, she supposed, moping around like an idiot over Rui, and Tsukasa. Still, for some reason, it was easy to be around Soujiro. As easy as it had once been to talk to Rui-before he'd decided to pursue her so intently. Funny how she'd never noticed before how considerate and understanding he could be. Maybe it was simply because she'd been as fooled as everyone by his heartless philandering, into forgetting that there was a real person underneath. It must have been when she first watched the way he handled Yuki, that she began to realize that he was more than he seemed. Back then, she'd thought him cruel for rejecting Yuki the way he did, but relieved too- he'd known he was hurting her to avoid hurting her more later. But he'd changed even more since then. Now he didn't act so callously unfeeling all the time. It was as if he'd finally decided to admit to himself that he could feel something more than lust, or that he wasn't the horrible person he thought he was. And, Tsukushi decided, it was probably Yuki who had helped the most to bring out this side of him. Tsukushi almost smiled to herself. It would be so easy to get used to the way he put his arm around her, the casual way he acted like it was no big deal. Not like Tsukasa, who always made such a production out of everything. Their every contact had acted like an instant aphrodisiac to him. She'd never even been able to hold his hand without him wanting to kiss her right there. It was scary. Now, with Soujiro, on the other hand, it was his words that were scary. But she knew that he couldn't possibly be interested n her body. He'd said so many times before (which had usually resulted in Tsukasa punching him, she reflected ruefully). So it was nothing more than a friendly gesture when he hugged her. Right? Right.
-----
Fortunately for the state of both of their internal monologues, the car arrived at their destination at last.
"Ahhh." Tsukushi yawned as she emerged from the car and stretched. "I'm so tired."
"Silly woman. It's only midnight, this is when the real day begins!"
"Bah. You only say that because you get to sleep all day! Some of us have school, and work! . . . And. . . It hasn't exactly been a very good week. . ."
"Err, yeah." How could he have forgotten that already? "Why don't you go take a bath or something? It'll help wake you up."
"What? Here? I don't have anything to change into. I don't want to put this outfit back on." She looked down with some dismay at her party clothes.
"But they look so good on you. . ."
"Don't say things like that!" Tsukushi exploded, "Damn it, you're making me blush again!"
"Heh." Soujiro snickered, "Everything makes you blush, virgin-girl."
"Jerk." Why is he being like this all of a sudden?
"Hmm. . . " Soujiro looked thoughtful. "Ah! I know what you can wear.. . " He went to his closet and began rummaging deep in the back. Tsukushi could hear his low voice drifting out from the depths, almost as if he was talking to himself, ". . . Never could stand to throw these out. Even now. No point saving kidstuff. Didn't think they'd ever come in handy. . . Ah hah!" He emerged looking triumphant, a bundle of clothes in his hands, "Pajamas! These were my favorite pair back when I was little," his voice trailed off. . . Back when his eldest brother still lived at home and loved his family. . . loved him. . . "But then I outgrew them. Don't know why I never threw 'em out.," Memories of being chased down the hall by his brother, both of them in their PJ's, rolling on the floor in a tangled tickle fight, or beating pillows over each other's heads before collapsing in an exhausted heap. "They should fit you, ok. I think."
Tsukushi took the proffered bundle and eyed it dubiously. Well worn flannel, the look of clothing too loved to be discarded. She could see old memories flickering across Soujiro's face, and wanted to ask what it was he was remembering. "Thanks," she hinted uncertainly, "They look like they meant a lot to you.. ."
"Ah, It was a long time ago." Soujiro snapped out of his reverie, "Should've cleaned my closet years ago. Oh hey, I'll show you where the bathroom is."
'There he goes, changing the subject again.' Tsukushi thought with a sigh. He's really very good at that.
----------
Later, Tsukushi emerged from the steaming water of the bath with a luxuriant "Aaaaahhhhhhhh," of pleasure. It was amazing what a good soak could do for one's spirits. Still, she mused, this was turning out to be another of those utterly surreal nights. There seemed to be way too many of those in her life. She dried off slowly, and turned to the pile of clothes. "Guess, it's time to find out how silly these are gonna make me look." Even a much-younger Soujiro was still longer limbed than she was now. Tsukushi rolled the sleeves and legs up a bit. "I look like someone's little sister, trying on hand-me-down clothes." She giggled into the mirror. "This is too weird."
"Anyway, I guess I gotta go face the music. . ." Tsukushi sobered abruptly. "What the hell am I supposed to say? There's some things I really don't feel comfortable talking about.. . Hah. Maybe I can change the subject." She tiptoed down the long corridor back to Soujiro's room.
"Hey, there you are." Soujiro had cleaned up too, and was reclining, shirtless, on his immaculately made-up bed. "Have a seat. Talk to me. You know the question."
Tsukushi mutely sat down on the edge of the bed, thinking 'Damnit, Why do guys who are so attractive have to keep taking their shirts off around me?' she couldn't look at him, lest she faint of embarrassment.
Soujiro massaged his forehead in exasperation, and sighed tiredly, "Tsukushi, You're cute and all, but you have absolutely no sex appeal, so stop giving me those looks like I'm going to rape you or something."
At the word 'rape,' Tsukushi's whole body stiffened, and she stared off into the dark corners of the room, while slowly pulling herself into a fetal ball. Perhaps that was where she should start. . .
The minutes passed, and still Tsukushi said nothing, merely hunched tensely on the edge of the bed. Soujiro watched intently, wondering what exactly, was going on in that perverse little head. After a while, he relented a bit and slid over behind her and began to absentmindedly rub Tsukushi's neck. He could wait all night if he had too, but he was going to get an answer. "Damn girl, Are you always this tense??"
Tsukushi finally stirred at the sound of his voice, "I've been thinking. . . That that might be what one of the real problems was. . ."
"What, that you don't know how to relax? Hell, I could have told you that."
"No. . .That Doumyouji once tried to have me raped." Tsukushi replied slowly.
"What!?"
"Oh, come on, don't tell me that you didn't know! Back when you idiots first red-tagged me! Doumyouji paid a bunch of guys to attack me in the hall after school." Tsukushi almost spat the words out, as she let herself remember. "It took five of them to hold me down. The only thing that saved me was Rui. I always assumed that the rest of you knew too Why wouldn't you? The F4 was very close back then, bullying innocent people around just because you could!
"Do you know what it's like being assaulted like that? . . . Of course you wouldn't. It's not easy dealing with something like that, even if they didn't succeed. I felt so helpless, out of control, alone. I'd always trusted in the innate goodness of people before then. That nothing that bad could ever happen to me.
"I was so scared that I was wrong. And it all revolved around sex. You tell me now how a normal teenaged girl is supposed to react? I was terrified. Sex is supposed to be about love and trust, or so I thought, but my first lesson was that it was about violence and hate. . .
"You want me to go on?" Her words were weary, as if it was something she'd been carrying around inside for far too long.
"Ah, we. . . really didn't know. . " Soujiro mumbled apologetically, even as his clever fingers continued to work their magic on Tsukushi's spine, "You know what Tsukasa was like back then. Honestly, Akira and I pretty much ignored him when he got into one of his psychotic moods like that. And the fight with you was mostly all him, anyway. . . But that doesn't really excuse anything does it?" He stopped his gentle kneading, and slid his arms around Tsukushi's waist instead, prying her out of her fetal ball, and pulling her back against his chest, "I'd apologize again for Tsukasa, but you fell in love with him anyway, didn't you? And, I know you're not the sort of person who breaks over a near-rape. Hell, Tsukushi, I have faith that you'd bounce back from anything the world could throw at you. So, there's got to be more to it than that." He hugged her closely, enfolding her into his warmth.
Tsukushi let herself relax into Soujiro's embrace as he spoke. Somehow, it was easier to talk about things with him. Sure, Soujiro's commentary seemed to miss the point completely, but he meant well. And he wasn't interrupting her to throw insults like Tsukasa would have, or giving her weird looks like Rui always did. And he didn't go trying to distract her with kisses like both of them would have. Yeah, Soujiro was comfortable to talk to because he refused to see her as a girl. More like an animated teddy bear or something. An animated teddy bear with emotional problems. Great.
"Well. . ." Tsukushi hesitated a second more before plunging ahead. "You remember the first day of school after getting back from summer break in Atami. . . The day that Doumyouji seriously snapped."
Tsukushi felt more than saw Soujiro's slow nod. He didn't think he liked where this story was heading.
"After school. I forgot my stuff on the emergency stairs. And when I turned around, Tsukasa was standing there. He was really scary, with that cold snakelike look in his eyes.. ."
"The feral beast-look," Soujiro agreed. "The one right before he maims something. . . I saw that this evening."
"Yeah, that one." Tsukushi's hands restlessly writhed beneath Soujiro's until he laced his fingers with hers, "He.. . he pinned me down, Said it was all my fault, that I was going to have to pay. . . It was the first time that I'd ever been afraid of one man. I couldn't move, couldn't escape him." She drew a deep breath, "I 'm sure you think I'm silly, but I was terrified. He kissed me, and started to undo my shirt. . . And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it! . . . I still don't know what made him stop. But I'd never felt so powerless in my life. . .
"He never apologized for that either." She added bitterly.
"The thing that scares me the most, though, is that he wasn't in control of himself then. And, later, whenever we talked about love. . Our relationship, he always talked about how I made him lose control of his passion. To him everything is always all or nothing. I want to kiss him so badly sometimes, but I can't because if I do, he says he'll lose control and never stop. . . And I believe him.
"There was this one time. . . when we were dating secretly, I sneaked into his mansion. We were making out," here Tsukushi blushed, "but he was moving too fast. I was scared. But he said he couldn't stop. I wasn't allowed to have limits. . Luckily, Tsubaki walked in on us.
"I don't even think we could have sat here like this, now, without him losing control.
"What's wrong with taking things slowly? I'm just a normal girl. It means a lot to me, and I'm afraid to rush things. Maybe it would be easier if he hadn't scared me so at the beginning, or if he wasn't so intense about everything. Or if we didn't keep getting interrupted, but really, I think it never happened because. . ."
"Tsukasa's an idiot." Soujiro broke into her ramble.
"That `wasn't what I as going to say."
"But it's true. A man's got to learn patience. Women don't like being rushed."
"You are so full of shit, Soujiro." Tsukushi flamed up, forcing herself out of her distanced recollections, "You talk big, but who the hell was it who kept locking me in rooms with guys, to speed things up?"
"Yeah well, you and Rui had all night. . . that was plenty of time. You should've hooked up with him, I bet he would've showed you the way.. . "
"You are incorrigible!"
"Actually," Soujiro mused, ignoring her outburst, "I think the problem is that Tsukasa's a virgin.. . "
"You're always putting us down because we haven't done it! What the hell makes you special enough to put on such airs? At least I've been in love!"
"Ouch." Soujiro gave Tsukushi an enigmatic look, which thankfully, she couldn't see. "I'm serious. He needs to get it out of his system. You freak out about every little thing because you're nervous about something you've never done. And Tsukasa is too concerned with the main event to notice what fun the sideshows can be."
"Sideshows?" Tsukushi twisted her neck up to frown at Soujiro, "You are so weird."
"Want me to show you?"
"No. . .no thanks!"
"Oh well," Soujiro sighed regretfully, "Maybe some other time. . ." He wondered if Tsukushi realized that what he was doing right now could fall into the category of things he'd just mentioned. Probably not. He closed his eyes and savored the sensation of Tsukushi's small hands entwined with his, the softness of her hair as she leaned against his shoulder, the slow rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.
She almost made him feel as if he could become a whole person again.
Tsukushi herself, was relaxing more and more, despite herself. It was so hard to remain nervous around Soujiro, and so easy to simply fall asleep in the warm cradle of his arms. Though nothing had been solved, no troubles vanquished, it was easy to imagine that in the morning she'd be able to awake and face anything. Just by listening to her, and by giving her a shoulder to cry on, Soujiro helped her to find the strength to go on.
All she needed now was a resolution. What would she do? She didn't think she could go back to Tsukasa. Not after all that had been said and done. She couldn't trust him. He didn't trust her. It would be hard to tell him so, but the stage had already been set. She told herself it wouldn't hurt any more than her conversation with Rui had. She just hoped that she could get Tsukasa to listen to her. It wouldn't do either of them to end up in another shouting match. How could you reach an understanding like that? It wasn't possible.
Tsukushi was beginning to drift off into sleep, when Soujiro's low voice jolted her back awake He'd been thinking about all the reasons Tsukasa could want to kill him, as if what he was doing right now wasn't condemnation enough, and he'd come suddenly to the realization that there really was one true thing that could bring about his downfall. The bet to see who could seduce Tsukushi. This awareness was followed almost instantly by the realization that he didn't care so much if Tsukasa knew about it-but he did care very much if Tsukushi found out. He wanted her to like him, to trust him. All that he'd been working for would be destroyed if Tsukushi found out in the wrong way. He'd hoped she never would. But, in case Tsukasa knew. . . he'd better tell her. . . Soujiro clenched his jaw, firmed his resolve, and spoke.
"Tsukushi, I need to tell you something."
She was alarmed by the sudden seriousness in his tone. Her eyes snapped open, as tension electrified her body. "Huh?" was all she managed to say.
". . . But you got to promise not to hit me 'til I'm finished," He held her hands more firmly.
"What is it?" She was definitely awake now.
And so, Soujiro recited his story, ". . . So you see," he began his conclusion, "I couldn't do it. When we were on the dance floor, something just took me by surprise. I just couldn't treat you like the others. I shouldn't have even tried. . ."
Tsukushi listened to his words in silence, though she had had to restrain herself from slapping him when he said, "And so we had the idea to make a bet over you." As if she were a gaming piece or trophy, indeed! But her anger couldn't last, not when he sounded so genuinely sorry for what had begun as utterly callous behavior. Still, one question remained. . .
"Why are you telling me this now?" Well actually, that wasn't the only question. Others, such as, 'What made you change your mind?' and 'How could you have even considered doing such a heartless thing?' sprang to mind, but she ruthless tamped them down before they could reach her lips.
"Well, umm. . . ." Soujiro hesitated. The truth would scare her off. He couldn't possibly tell her that he was telling her because he thought he might be falling for her. No. And if he said it was because he was afraid of her finding out from someone else, he'd appear too calculating. So how about this? "I don't want you to ever think that I'm doing anything simply because of a stupid dare." That was ambiguous enough, he hoped.
But not ambiguous enough. "Then. . ." Tsukushi thought it over, "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Because. . . "Soujiro replied at length, after he'd hit on a safe answer, "You do the same for me."
"Ah." Tsukushi could accept that. Almost. But now her thought were wandering down another track entirely and she spoke almost without conscious volition, "Soujiro, why aren't you ever happy?" His tale had brought back to mind the conversation they'd had on the dance floor that fateful night. She'd told him then that he was empty, that his life was meaningless without passion, but she'd never understood why he couldn't bring himself to be happy. Even with what little she knew of his troubled family, she didn't understand why he couldn't bring himself to feel some joy in the little things in life.
Soujiro didn't answer for some time. Tsukushi only knew he was still awake by the way his fingertips still entertained themselves by gently stroking her palms.
"Well?" She twisted her neck around in a vain attempt to see what was written on Soujiro's face, "Didn't I embarrass myself enough answering your question earlier? Now it's your turn."
"What's there to be happy about?" When he did speak at last, Soujiro's voice was shocking in its bitterness. "My family can't make up its mind just how to destroy itself. I'm stuck with the responsibility of carrying on 18 fucking generations of tradition. I've got three, no four, friends in the entire world, and three of those, though they've known me since I was two, still don't understand me. And they probably never will." He sounded weary and sad, "My social life consists of getting drunk and picking up girls. It gets old. I've been doing it for years; now I've dug myself a rut too deep to be escaped from. . . And you wonder why I'm not happy." Silently he added, "Not to mention the fact that I'm falling for a girl who is not only loved by two of my best friends, but who loves one back, even though he can't make her happy either."
"It's never too late to make a change." Tsukushi murmured. "You just need to find something to give you hope."
If only she knew.
Soujiro didn't reply. He was too busy gazing down at the top of her head, pondering her words. It wasn't true anymore that he was never happy. He was happy when he was with Tsukushi. If there was anything that could give him hope, it would be her. He was not about to tell her this, and so they sat in companionable silence.
Eventually Tsukushi felt her eyelids drooping, as sleep came to claim her. She was far too comfortable by now, not to mention exhausted from the night's events, to fight it. Without realizing a thing, she slipped away into unconsciousness, still wrapped in Soujiro's warm embrace.
As for Soujiro, he had to admit to a certain satisfaction at the way things were turning out so far. Tsukushi really was so innocent, almost too trusting for her own good. Soujiro looked down at her sleeping face-in sleep, she was even more appealing than when awake. It made him want to do more than just cuddle, despite all his words about her lack of sex appeal. But, as he wanted to retain her trust, and to eventually win more than that, he decisively quashed the images that percolated through his mind. Gently, Soujiro lifted Tsukushi's inert body, so that he could tuck her under the covers. It amazed him how she could just sleep through anything. Soujiro dared to brush a swift kiss across her forehead, then climbed into the bed behind the sleeping girl.
Sure, he could have moved her to one of the house's many guest rooms, or gone himself. But, now that he had Tsukushi right where he wanted her, Soujiro wasn't about to let her go. Not for anything. And damned be the consequences in the morning. Unconsciously, one arm reached out to snake around her waist and pull her closer till he could feel her body pressed close against his. Soujiro smiled in satisfaction and contented himself with briefly nuzzling at Tsukushi's smooth and eminently tempting neck, before he too drifted off into a blissful sleep.
To be continued.
yeah yeah, I know, This chapter is too bloody long and it drags. It was a real bitch to write too. I'm just glad it's done at last. Though I'm annoyed that I'm writing on a Friday instead of going out. But that's what I get for having lame friends, and having to work tomorrow. With a little luck, I should end this fic in 5 chapters or fewer. Hopefully fewer.
"I should have done something." Tsukushi and Soujiro were seated in a comfortable booth upstairs at the Other Side café. Tsukushi's hands were tightly wrapped around a mug of steaming tea.
"Oh, come on Tsukushi. What could you have done?" Soujiro had been trying to reason with Tsukushi ever since they'd left Sakurako's place.
"If I hadn't run away when he kissed me. . ."
"If he'd only listened to you in the first place. . . What's done is done. You know what he's like. He'll calm down by tomorrow."
"I suppose. I feel like such an idiot running away, though." Tsukushi sighed into her tea.
"Yeah, so? Better dumb than dead."
"He wouldn't have done anything, really." Tsukushi protested. "He doesn't hurt people anymore."
"Maybe not you." Soujiro shuddered. "But you didn't see the look in his eyes. I did. I've only seen that look a few times before. . . Each time, I hoped never to see it again. I certainly never wanted to see it directed against me. There was no fucking way I was gonna stick around that place. I'd like to keep the face I have, thank you very much."
Tsukushi smiled half-heartedly, "It's a nice face."
Soujiro flashed a quick grin, "Hey, you finally admitted it!"
"Ah. Err." Tsukushi stammered defensively, "I just don't want to see Doumyouji breaking it. That's all!" with a blush, she added, "It's probably my fault he's mad at you anyway. . . I wonder what set him off like that to begin with?"
Soujiro shrugged bitterly, "Have you forgotten already? He already thought something was going on. And given the vicious gossips at school, it's hardly surprising that he heard something that resonated. . ."
"Arghh. . . You're probably right." Tsukushi scowled, and thought hard, "Asai was looking particularly malicious all day. . I wonder if she had something to with it?"
Soujiro waved a hand in dismissal, "It doesn't matter anymore, does it? The real question is, what are you going to do now?"
"I don't know." Tsukushi looked away. "I. . .. I don't think I want to talk about it anymore right now, ok?" Silently, she added, "I need to think about things. Decide what it is I really want. Do I want to be happy, or do I want Doumyouji?"
Soujiro nodded. He knew all about the need to keep everything inside. Tsukushi would undoubtedly tell him about it in her own good time.
"Hey! There you are!" Akira's cheerful voice broke the silence, as he strode over to where Tsukushi and Soujiro sat, with Yuki wrapped in one arm.
Tsukushi smiled with relief to see her friend, "Yuki!" she exclaimed, "I'm sorry I never got the chance to talk to you at the party! How are you?"
"I'm fine!" Yuki smiled cheerfully, "We were worried about you, though. How are you doing? What happened with You and Doumyouji?"
Tsukushi was forced into a fresh round of explanations of what had passed between Tsukasa and herself. Akira and Yuki listened intently, as did Soujiro. Her speech was much more coherent this time around.
"Oh!" Yuki exclaimed, as Tsukushi finished her tale. The two boys just looked faintly embarrassed. For so many years, they'd tried to train Tsukasa to understand women. It was painfully obvious to the both of them that they'd failed utterly. One of the most basic lessons you can possibly learn is when is the right moment to kiss a girl. If you choose your moment opportunely, the likelihood is high that she'll melt in your arms and forgive you anything. If, however, you can't even gauge the mood adequately and choose poorly, you'll be as likely to receive a slap in the face, and lose the girl forever. If only Tsukasa wasn't so dense. If only Tsukushi was more receptive, it might have worked. But no.
"He's an idiot." Soujiro and Akira agreed. "But we knew that already."
"And what about you?" Tsukushi questioned, "What happened after we left?"
"Ah, not much," Akira waved her query aside, "We held Tsukasa as long as we could, before he kicked our asses. Looks like it was long enough."
"Thanks man," Soujiro broke in, "I owe you one."
"Dude, you owe me more than one. It fucking hurt!" Akira exclaimed, "Hell, why do you have to go make my life so difficult?"
"Sorry," Soujiro refused to look too repentant, though.
"Geez. I warned you, and warned you, man. I wish someone would take my advice for once." The pain was plainly making Akira feel put upon.
"Hey!" Tsukushi scowled, "Why are you picking on Soujiro? If you're gonna blame someone here, you may as well blame me. Or better yet Tsukasa. No one told him to act like a moron."
"A jealous moron." Akira pointed out, giving Soujiro a significant glance. "What exactly were the two of you doing on that porch, anyway?"
"Nothing!" Tsukushi spoke hastily, even as a slow flush crept over her cheeks.
'Talking." Soujiro drawled much more calmly.
"Riiight. . ." Akira's skepticism was plain in the arch of his brow. But he declined to pursue the subject further.
"Please don't fight." Yuki spoke softly. "Haven't you done enough of that tonight?" Unintentionally, she ended with a tired yawn.
"She's right." Tsukushi took the opportunity to change the subject, "It's getting late. I need to get sleep." Or at least to toss and turn in emotional turmoil all night long.
"Indeed." Akira took the cue, "Yuki, are you ready to go?" She nodded, and he helped her to her feet. "We should do lunch tomorrow, Soujiro. Figure out how you want to handle Tsukasa."
"Right. I'll give you a call in the afternoon." Soujiro agreed. "Thanks again."
"No prob. . . Sleep well, Makino."
"'Night Tsukushi." Yuki echoed with a sweet smile, "I'll talk to you tomorrow!" Akira draped his arm back around her shoulder, and the two headed for the exit.
Right before reaching the stairs down, Akira looked back over his shoulder and directed a slow wink and lazy smile at Soujiro.
Tsukushi was fiddling with her now empty mug and failed to notice the look. However, she couldn't avoid hearing Soujiro's snort as he muttered under his breath, "If that meant what I think, then I don't owe him anything! He's getting paid in full tonight, that's for sure. Guy gets to be a hero."
"Huh?" Tsukushi's ears perked up. "What are you talking about?"
Oops. He hadn't meant to say it aloud. "Err.. nothing. . ."
"Ummm." Tsukushi seemed to be deeply involved in examining the pseudo- woodgrain of the table top, "Yuki was very quiet. I wonder why?"
Soujiro knew. He could tell the signs. The way Akira's arm was always around Yuki, or his hand entwined with hers. The way she had spent much of the conversation watching him, or gazing into his eyes. Yeah, Yuki had fallen for Akira. Hard. His role in the defense of Tsukushi certainly hadn't hurt matters either. He didn't doubt Akira would be reaping the rewards, if not tonight, then soon. He wondered if he should tell Tsukushi. She'd probably flip out. He didn't see why the girl was so twitchy when it came to the idea of sex. Akira was lucky that Yuki didn't seem to have picked up her friend's unhealthily puritan attitude. At least he knew that with Akira, the girl would have nothing to worry about. Akira knew what he was doing. Even his ex-girlfriends tended to adore him. Soujiro smiled to himself. No. he wasn't going to tell Tsukushi. Let her hear it from Yuki.
Perhaps Tsukushi could read something of what was going through Soujiro's mind, or perhaps she understood more than she was willing to admit, for she suddenly burst out with an unexpected question.
"Soujiro," she asked, continuing her intense perusal of the table, "What's sex like?"
"Eh?!" He was rather taken aback. What kind of question was that coming from Tsukushi? Soujiro was too startled to formulate an adequate reply. Instead, he responded by pure reflex, reaching across the table to grasp Tsukushi's chin and tilt her face up 'till her eyes met his, "If you really want to know, I can show you. . ." He gave an inviting leer.
Tsukushi withdrew as if his touch was poisonous. With a sudden snakelike motion, she slapped him across the face. "I was serious!" She slumped back into the corner of the seat.
"Ow! What'd you do that for?" Soujiro held a hand to his injured cheek, "I was too!"
Tsukushi's face seemed to close in on itself. "I'm leaving." How could I forget, even for a minute, what a player he is? She cursed herself mentally.
"Hey wait! I'm sorry!" He grabbed her wrist before she could stand up.
"Let me go." Tsukushi glared tiredly at him. "I don't have the energy for your games."
"I'm not playing any. Look, I'm sorry. I spoke out of turn. But I'd really like to know, what do you have against sex anyway? What's the big deal? Why didn't you and Tsukasa ever. . . ?"
"Why do you care!?" Tsukushi turned on Soujiro furiously, "Why don't you go back to your little playmates and leave me alone! I'm sure there's some bimbo around you can amuse yourself with tonight! Let me go!" she wrenched her wrist from his grasp and stood, turning away to pull her jacket on. "Damn it, I can't see straight, there must be something in my eyes," she muttered as uncontrollable tears streamed down her face. She didn't want Soujiro to see them. Hastily she wiped futilely at her eyes. Now where were the stairs again?
Soujiro swiftly slid out from his seat and wrapped his arms around the sobbing girl. "Shh. calm down, Tsukushi. It was just a question. You don't have to answer." Damn, he hadn't been expecting quite such an overreaction. Maybe a slap or a glare. Not this. He wondered just what had provoked her outburst. Soujiro was intrigued, despite himself. Maybe there was more than just her usual puritanical streak at work?
His chest was reassuringly solid against her back. Tsukushi gulped, trying to regain her equilibrium, "I'm sorry." She managed at last, "I don't know what came over me. You can let me go now."
"S'ok" Soujiro murmured, not easing his hold on her waist in any way, "But I'm not releasing you till you tell me why."
"Why what?"
"Why you and Tsukasa never hooked up." He replied patiently.
"Why is it so important?"
"Well, given that he wants to kill me right now, I'm looking for reasons. Maybe there's something in that? It's obvious that he wants to. Come on, Tsukushi, you owe me. Is it really that hard to talk about?"
"Oh, you're really one to talk!" Tsukushi twisted in his arms to glare up at him, "You never tell anyone anything!"
"I talk to you." He maintained his reasonable tone, with difficulty.
"Only under duress!"
"Well, fine, you're under duress now. Besides you owe me! If Tsukasa kills me, I'm blaming you. You did say it was your fault, after all."
"Asshole." He was right, however; she owed him. And maybe it would be good to talk about it with someone other than Yuki. "I give up" she sighed in resignation, "But not here."
"Good girl." Soujiro pretended not to notice that as Tsukushi gave in, it seemed that the greater part of the strength that had been holding her up departed, and he was left supporting the weary girl. Not that he minded, really. She didn't weigh much. And she was cuddly. Even if she was an utter spaz. "Let's get out of here."
He flicked open his cell phone, calling his chauffeur to come pick them up.
"Where are we going?" Tsukushi asked tiredly, as Soujiro escorted her into the waiting vehicle.
"My place." Soujiro decided, "It's quiet. No one else should be awake."
"Oh." She didn't really care. Everything seemed to be fading into the distance. Nothing mattered particularly. Though she was distantly grateful that he wasn't forcing her to go to another hotel room. That she didn't think she could abide.
--------
Soujiro spent much of the ride home wondering what it was he was doing. Akira had been right, he really wasn't acting like himself at all anymore. 'What ever happened to the man who couldn't relate to women except in bed? Why did I start to care about Makino, of all people? A few months ago, she was just that 'immature weed-girl' in charge of taming the beast that is Tsukasa. And now, I actually care about her? And I've never even fucked her. . . There was a time when I would never have imagined taking a girl home for any reason. Hotel rooms, yes, but my personal space, never. Now, I'm taking Tsukushi. Why? Because I want to understand her, to figure out what's going on in that dense little head of hers? Do I really think I can do anything about her pain besides adding to it? Or is it just that I want her to understand me?' He stared moodily out the window. 'I'm an idiot. I should be out making love to that blonde from the party. Not here, going home with a confused girl who isn't sexy in the least.
'But, unlike the other-Somehow, this feels right. . . . And damn the consequences.'
Now if only he could give up the bad, and wholly unfulfilling habit of sleeping around. That would be real progress.
----
Tsukushi likewise was silent throughout the drive to Soujiro's family estate. She didn't understand what she was doing. It was bizarre how she had so easily fallen into the habit of trusting this inconsistent, moody man. At least Tsukasa was consistent in his stupidity. But she never knew what Soujiro was going to say or do next, or when he was going to have a sudden mood swing from cheerful to utterly depressed, or forget her utterly to chase loose women for that matter. Not that she was much better right now, she supposed, moping around like an idiot over Rui, and Tsukasa. Still, for some reason, it was easy to be around Soujiro. As easy as it had once been to talk to Rui-before he'd decided to pursue her so intently. Funny how she'd never noticed before how considerate and understanding he could be. Maybe it was simply because she'd been as fooled as everyone by his heartless philandering, into forgetting that there was a real person underneath. It must have been when she first watched the way he handled Yuki, that she began to realize that he was more than he seemed. Back then, she'd thought him cruel for rejecting Yuki the way he did, but relieved too- he'd known he was hurting her to avoid hurting her more later. But he'd changed even more since then. Now he didn't act so callously unfeeling all the time. It was as if he'd finally decided to admit to himself that he could feel something more than lust, or that he wasn't the horrible person he thought he was. And, Tsukushi decided, it was probably Yuki who had helped the most to bring out this side of him. Tsukushi almost smiled to herself. It would be so easy to get used to the way he put his arm around her, the casual way he acted like it was no big deal. Not like Tsukasa, who always made such a production out of everything. Their every contact had acted like an instant aphrodisiac to him. She'd never even been able to hold his hand without him wanting to kiss her right there. It was scary. Now, with Soujiro, on the other hand, it was his words that were scary. But she knew that he couldn't possibly be interested n her body. He'd said so many times before (which had usually resulted in Tsukasa punching him, she reflected ruefully). So it was nothing more than a friendly gesture when he hugged her. Right? Right.
-----
Fortunately for the state of both of their internal monologues, the car arrived at their destination at last.
"Ahhh." Tsukushi yawned as she emerged from the car and stretched. "I'm so tired."
"Silly woman. It's only midnight, this is when the real day begins!"
"Bah. You only say that because you get to sleep all day! Some of us have school, and work! . . . And. . . It hasn't exactly been a very good week. . ."
"Err, yeah." How could he have forgotten that already? "Why don't you go take a bath or something? It'll help wake you up."
"What? Here? I don't have anything to change into. I don't want to put this outfit back on." She looked down with some dismay at her party clothes.
"But they look so good on you. . ."
"Don't say things like that!" Tsukushi exploded, "Damn it, you're making me blush again!"
"Heh." Soujiro snickered, "Everything makes you blush, virgin-girl."
"Jerk." Why is he being like this all of a sudden?
"Hmm. . . " Soujiro looked thoughtful. "Ah! I know what you can wear.. . " He went to his closet and began rummaging deep in the back. Tsukushi could hear his low voice drifting out from the depths, almost as if he was talking to himself, ". . . Never could stand to throw these out. Even now. No point saving kidstuff. Didn't think they'd ever come in handy. . . Ah hah!" He emerged looking triumphant, a bundle of clothes in his hands, "Pajamas! These were my favorite pair back when I was little," his voice trailed off. . . Back when his eldest brother still lived at home and loved his family. . . loved him. . . "But then I outgrew them. Don't know why I never threw 'em out.," Memories of being chased down the hall by his brother, both of them in their PJ's, rolling on the floor in a tangled tickle fight, or beating pillows over each other's heads before collapsing in an exhausted heap. "They should fit you, ok. I think."
Tsukushi took the proffered bundle and eyed it dubiously. Well worn flannel, the look of clothing too loved to be discarded. She could see old memories flickering across Soujiro's face, and wanted to ask what it was he was remembering. "Thanks," she hinted uncertainly, "They look like they meant a lot to you.. ."
"Ah, It was a long time ago." Soujiro snapped out of his reverie, "Should've cleaned my closet years ago. Oh hey, I'll show you where the bathroom is."
'There he goes, changing the subject again.' Tsukushi thought with a sigh. He's really very good at that.
----------
Later, Tsukushi emerged from the steaming water of the bath with a luxuriant "Aaaaahhhhhhhh," of pleasure. It was amazing what a good soak could do for one's spirits. Still, she mused, this was turning out to be another of those utterly surreal nights. There seemed to be way too many of those in her life. She dried off slowly, and turned to the pile of clothes. "Guess, it's time to find out how silly these are gonna make me look." Even a much-younger Soujiro was still longer limbed than she was now. Tsukushi rolled the sleeves and legs up a bit. "I look like someone's little sister, trying on hand-me-down clothes." She giggled into the mirror. "This is too weird."
"Anyway, I guess I gotta go face the music. . ." Tsukushi sobered abruptly. "What the hell am I supposed to say? There's some things I really don't feel comfortable talking about.. . Hah. Maybe I can change the subject." She tiptoed down the long corridor back to Soujiro's room.
"Hey, there you are." Soujiro had cleaned up too, and was reclining, shirtless, on his immaculately made-up bed. "Have a seat. Talk to me. You know the question."
Tsukushi mutely sat down on the edge of the bed, thinking 'Damnit, Why do guys who are so attractive have to keep taking their shirts off around me?' she couldn't look at him, lest she faint of embarrassment.
Soujiro massaged his forehead in exasperation, and sighed tiredly, "Tsukushi, You're cute and all, but you have absolutely no sex appeal, so stop giving me those looks like I'm going to rape you or something."
At the word 'rape,' Tsukushi's whole body stiffened, and she stared off into the dark corners of the room, while slowly pulling herself into a fetal ball. Perhaps that was where she should start. . .
The minutes passed, and still Tsukushi said nothing, merely hunched tensely on the edge of the bed. Soujiro watched intently, wondering what exactly, was going on in that perverse little head. After a while, he relented a bit and slid over behind her and began to absentmindedly rub Tsukushi's neck. He could wait all night if he had too, but he was going to get an answer. "Damn girl, Are you always this tense??"
Tsukushi finally stirred at the sound of his voice, "I've been thinking. . . That that might be what one of the real problems was. . ."
"What, that you don't know how to relax? Hell, I could have told you that."
"No. . .That Doumyouji once tried to have me raped." Tsukushi replied slowly.
"What!?"
"Oh, come on, don't tell me that you didn't know! Back when you idiots first red-tagged me! Doumyouji paid a bunch of guys to attack me in the hall after school." Tsukushi almost spat the words out, as she let herself remember. "It took five of them to hold me down. The only thing that saved me was Rui. I always assumed that the rest of you knew too Why wouldn't you? The F4 was very close back then, bullying innocent people around just because you could!
"Do you know what it's like being assaulted like that? . . . Of course you wouldn't. It's not easy dealing with something like that, even if they didn't succeed. I felt so helpless, out of control, alone. I'd always trusted in the innate goodness of people before then. That nothing that bad could ever happen to me.
"I was so scared that I was wrong. And it all revolved around sex. You tell me now how a normal teenaged girl is supposed to react? I was terrified. Sex is supposed to be about love and trust, or so I thought, but my first lesson was that it was about violence and hate. . .
"You want me to go on?" Her words were weary, as if it was something she'd been carrying around inside for far too long.
"Ah, we. . . really didn't know. . " Soujiro mumbled apologetically, even as his clever fingers continued to work their magic on Tsukushi's spine, "You know what Tsukasa was like back then. Honestly, Akira and I pretty much ignored him when he got into one of his psychotic moods like that. And the fight with you was mostly all him, anyway. . . But that doesn't really excuse anything does it?" He stopped his gentle kneading, and slid his arms around Tsukushi's waist instead, prying her out of her fetal ball, and pulling her back against his chest, "I'd apologize again for Tsukasa, but you fell in love with him anyway, didn't you? And, I know you're not the sort of person who breaks over a near-rape. Hell, Tsukushi, I have faith that you'd bounce back from anything the world could throw at you. So, there's got to be more to it than that." He hugged her closely, enfolding her into his warmth.
Tsukushi let herself relax into Soujiro's embrace as he spoke. Somehow, it was easier to talk about things with him. Sure, Soujiro's commentary seemed to miss the point completely, but he meant well. And he wasn't interrupting her to throw insults like Tsukasa would have, or giving her weird looks like Rui always did. And he didn't go trying to distract her with kisses like both of them would have. Yeah, Soujiro was comfortable to talk to because he refused to see her as a girl. More like an animated teddy bear or something. An animated teddy bear with emotional problems. Great.
"Well. . ." Tsukushi hesitated a second more before plunging ahead. "You remember the first day of school after getting back from summer break in Atami. . . The day that Doumyouji seriously snapped."
Tsukushi felt more than saw Soujiro's slow nod. He didn't think he liked where this story was heading.
"After school. I forgot my stuff on the emergency stairs. And when I turned around, Tsukasa was standing there. He was really scary, with that cold snakelike look in his eyes.. ."
"The feral beast-look," Soujiro agreed. "The one right before he maims something. . . I saw that this evening."
"Yeah, that one." Tsukushi's hands restlessly writhed beneath Soujiro's until he laced his fingers with hers, "He.. . he pinned me down, Said it was all my fault, that I was going to have to pay. . . It was the first time that I'd ever been afraid of one man. I couldn't move, couldn't escape him." She drew a deep breath, "I 'm sure you think I'm silly, but I was terrified. He kissed me, and started to undo my shirt. . . And there was absolutely nothing I could do about it! . . . I still don't know what made him stop. But I'd never felt so powerless in my life. . .
"He never apologized for that either." She added bitterly.
"The thing that scares me the most, though, is that he wasn't in control of himself then. And, later, whenever we talked about love. . Our relationship, he always talked about how I made him lose control of his passion. To him everything is always all or nothing. I want to kiss him so badly sometimes, but I can't because if I do, he says he'll lose control and never stop. . . And I believe him.
"There was this one time. . . when we were dating secretly, I sneaked into his mansion. We were making out," here Tsukushi blushed, "but he was moving too fast. I was scared. But he said he couldn't stop. I wasn't allowed to have limits. . Luckily, Tsubaki walked in on us.
"I don't even think we could have sat here like this, now, without him losing control.
"What's wrong with taking things slowly? I'm just a normal girl. It means a lot to me, and I'm afraid to rush things. Maybe it would be easier if he hadn't scared me so at the beginning, or if he wasn't so intense about everything. Or if we didn't keep getting interrupted, but really, I think it never happened because. . ."
"Tsukasa's an idiot." Soujiro broke into her ramble.
"That `wasn't what I as going to say."
"But it's true. A man's got to learn patience. Women don't like being rushed."
"You are so full of shit, Soujiro." Tsukushi flamed up, forcing herself out of her distanced recollections, "You talk big, but who the hell was it who kept locking me in rooms with guys, to speed things up?"
"Yeah well, you and Rui had all night. . . that was plenty of time. You should've hooked up with him, I bet he would've showed you the way.. . "
"You are incorrigible!"
"Actually," Soujiro mused, ignoring her outburst, "I think the problem is that Tsukasa's a virgin.. . "
"You're always putting us down because we haven't done it! What the hell makes you special enough to put on such airs? At least I've been in love!"
"Ouch." Soujiro gave Tsukushi an enigmatic look, which thankfully, she couldn't see. "I'm serious. He needs to get it out of his system. You freak out about every little thing because you're nervous about something you've never done. And Tsukasa is too concerned with the main event to notice what fun the sideshows can be."
"Sideshows?" Tsukushi twisted her neck up to frown at Soujiro, "You are so weird."
"Want me to show you?"
"No. . .no thanks!"
"Oh well," Soujiro sighed regretfully, "Maybe some other time. . ." He wondered if Tsukushi realized that what he was doing right now could fall into the category of things he'd just mentioned. Probably not. He closed his eyes and savored the sensation of Tsukushi's small hands entwined with his, the softness of her hair as she leaned against his shoulder, the slow rise and fall of her chest as she breathed.
She almost made him feel as if he could become a whole person again.
Tsukushi herself, was relaxing more and more, despite herself. It was so hard to remain nervous around Soujiro, and so easy to simply fall asleep in the warm cradle of his arms. Though nothing had been solved, no troubles vanquished, it was easy to imagine that in the morning she'd be able to awake and face anything. Just by listening to her, and by giving her a shoulder to cry on, Soujiro helped her to find the strength to go on.
All she needed now was a resolution. What would she do? She didn't think she could go back to Tsukasa. Not after all that had been said and done. She couldn't trust him. He didn't trust her. It would be hard to tell him so, but the stage had already been set. She told herself it wouldn't hurt any more than her conversation with Rui had. She just hoped that she could get Tsukasa to listen to her. It wouldn't do either of them to end up in another shouting match. How could you reach an understanding like that? It wasn't possible.
Tsukushi was beginning to drift off into sleep, when Soujiro's low voice jolted her back awake He'd been thinking about all the reasons Tsukasa could want to kill him, as if what he was doing right now wasn't condemnation enough, and he'd come suddenly to the realization that there really was one true thing that could bring about his downfall. The bet to see who could seduce Tsukushi. This awareness was followed almost instantly by the realization that he didn't care so much if Tsukasa knew about it-but he did care very much if Tsukushi found out. He wanted her to like him, to trust him. All that he'd been working for would be destroyed if Tsukushi found out in the wrong way. He'd hoped she never would. But, in case Tsukasa knew. . . he'd better tell her. . . Soujiro clenched his jaw, firmed his resolve, and spoke.
"Tsukushi, I need to tell you something."
She was alarmed by the sudden seriousness in his tone. Her eyes snapped open, as tension electrified her body. "Huh?" was all she managed to say.
". . . But you got to promise not to hit me 'til I'm finished," He held her hands more firmly.
"What is it?" She was definitely awake now.
And so, Soujiro recited his story, ". . . So you see," he began his conclusion, "I couldn't do it. When we were on the dance floor, something just took me by surprise. I just couldn't treat you like the others. I shouldn't have even tried. . ."
Tsukushi listened to his words in silence, though she had had to restrain herself from slapping him when he said, "And so we had the idea to make a bet over you." As if she were a gaming piece or trophy, indeed! But her anger couldn't last, not when he sounded so genuinely sorry for what had begun as utterly callous behavior. Still, one question remained. . .
"Why are you telling me this now?" Well actually, that wasn't the only question. Others, such as, 'What made you change your mind?' and 'How could you have even considered doing such a heartless thing?' sprang to mind, but she ruthless tamped them down before they could reach her lips.
"Well, umm. . . ." Soujiro hesitated. The truth would scare her off. He couldn't possibly tell her that he was telling her because he thought he might be falling for her. No. And if he said it was because he was afraid of her finding out from someone else, he'd appear too calculating. So how about this? "I don't want you to ever think that I'm doing anything simply because of a stupid dare." That was ambiguous enough, he hoped.
But not ambiguous enough. "Then. . ." Tsukushi thought it over, "Why are you being so nice to me?"
"Because. . . "Soujiro replied at length, after he'd hit on a safe answer, "You do the same for me."
"Ah." Tsukushi could accept that. Almost. But now her thought were wandering down another track entirely and she spoke almost without conscious volition, "Soujiro, why aren't you ever happy?" His tale had brought back to mind the conversation they'd had on the dance floor that fateful night. She'd told him then that he was empty, that his life was meaningless without passion, but she'd never understood why he couldn't bring himself to be happy. Even with what little she knew of his troubled family, she didn't understand why he couldn't bring himself to feel some joy in the little things in life.
Soujiro didn't answer for some time. Tsukushi only knew he was still awake by the way his fingertips still entertained themselves by gently stroking her palms.
"Well?" She twisted her neck around in a vain attempt to see what was written on Soujiro's face, "Didn't I embarrass myself enough answering your question earlier? Now it's your turn."
"What's there to be happy about?" When he did speak at last, Soujiro's voice was shocking in its bitterness. "My family can't make up its mind just how to destroy itself. I'm stuck with the responsibility of carrying on 18 fucking generations of tradition. I've got three, no four, friends in the entire world, and three of those, though they've known me since I was two, still don't understand me. And they probably never will." He sounded weary and sad, "My social life consists of getting drunk and picking up girls. It gets old. I've been doing it for years; now I've dug myself a rut too deep to be escaped from. . . And you wonder why I'm not happy." Silently he added, "Not to mention the fact that I'm falling for a girl who is not only loved by two of my best friends, but who loves one back, even though he can't make her happy either."
"It's never too late to make a change." Tsukushi murmured. "You just need to find something to give you hope."
If only she knew.
Soujiro didn't reply. He was too busy gazing down at the top of her head, pondering her words. It wasn't true anymore that he was never happy. He was happy when he was with Tsukushi. If there was anything that could give him hope, it would be her. He was not about to tell her this, and so they sat in companionable silence.
Eventually Tsukushi felt her eyelids drooping, as sleep came to claim her. She was far too comfortable by now, not to mention exhausted from the night's events, to fight it. Without realizing a thing, she slipped away into unconsciousness, still wrapped in Soujiro's warm embrace.
As for Soujiro, he had to admit to a certain satisfaction at the way things were turning out so far. Tsukushi really was so innocent, almost too trusting for her own good. Soujiro looked down at her sleeping face-in sleep, she was even more appealing than when awake. It made him want to do more than just cuddle, despite all his words about her lack of sex appeal. But, as he wanted to retain her trust, and to eventually win more than that, he decisively quashed the images that percolated through his mind. Gently, Soujiro lifted Tsukushi's inert body, so that he could tuck her under the covers. It amazed him how she could just sleep through anything. Soujiro dared to brush a swift kiss across her forehead, then climbed into the bed behind the sleeping girl.
Sure, he could have moved her to one of the house's many guest rooms, or gone himself. But, now that he had Tsukushi right where he wanted her, Soujiro wasn't about to let her go. Not for anything. And damned be the consequences in the morning. Unconsciously, one arm reached out to snake around her waist and pull her closer till he could feel her body pressed close against his. Soujiro smiled in satisfaction and contented himself with briefly nuzzling at Tsukushi's smooth and eminently tempting neck, before he too drifted off into a blissful sleep.
To be continued.
yeah yeah, I know, This chapter is too bloody long and it drags. It was a real bitch to write too. I'm just glad it's done at last. Though I'm annoyed that I'm writing on a Friday instead of going out. But that's what I get for having lame friends, and having to work tomorrow. With a little luck, I should end this fic in 5 chapters or fewer. Hopefully fewer.