I'd like to thank everyone who's reviewed so far. I appreciate it more than I can ever express in words. It's nice to know that there are people willing to read the stuff I'm churning out; if there wasn't, I wouldn't bother.
And Mala- Dean? Really? He's got Riley Jr. stamped all over him! And that's all I shall say. g
European swallow or African swallow is from Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Because that movie rocks.
Chapter 6
* * *
Sunday morning, Lorelai looked around her sad, empty kitchen and her eyes confirmed what her stomach already knew. There was nothing to eat. Yesterday she'd had a bowl of candy corn and coffee for breakfast, but now the candy corn was gone and the only thing left in her fridge was a bottle of beer and the baking powder box, which she'd decided to name Hannibal after a late night viewing of 'Silence of the Lambs.'
She looked in the fridge just to make sure no food had been magically beamed in during the night. Hannibal the Baking Powder Box and the beer bottle stared back at her. "Don't worry, Hannibal," she muttered, "It'd be too weird to eat you."
She shut the fridge with a grimace. This meant either Doose's market, which was across from Luke's, or Luke's. Or Al's Pancake World, but today was Chinese and it was way too early for that. Previous experience had proven that there were no pizza places open for breakfast.
When she reached the center of town, she sat in the car, debating whether to head to Doose's or Luke's. Sookie was cooking at the inn this morning, but it was Lorelai's day off and she firmly respected the tradition of not going to work when you weren't supposed to.
Maybe Luke wasn't working in the morning, since he did close up the night before. Then she realized how slim a chance that was. Luke's diner was open for over fifteen hours a day and Luke was always there, because he didn't have anything better to do.
"He needs a life," Lorelai decided, then headed over to Doose's Market.
Lorelai spent the next half hour emptying Taylor's shelves of every non-cooking type food product he had in stock. She ignored a comment from Patty that she really should learn how to cook because the way to man's heart was through his stomach. She'd like to see Patty grow up for sixteen years in a house that had people specifically hired to cook, then see how hard it was to learn the skill with a baby on her hip when she'd never even turned on a stove before in her life.
She dumped her groceries at the check out line, and tried not to slap Taylor when he made a tsk-ing noise. "My, Lorelai, stocking up for the winter, are we. Good to see, we wouldn't want you going hungry."
"Shut up, Taylor." Taylor's profits off Lorelai had gone up since the 'event,' as it had come to be called by the town. He knew that her average Luke's Diner meal total had dwindled from two per day to two a week, at best. Especially now that her Rory-buffer was gone.
"Personally, I don't see why Luke's holding this grudge against you. Jess is a hooligan. You were doing nothing more than stating the truth. That man and his stubbornness will lead to the collapse of the Stars Hollow that we know and love, and I'll be there to say I told you so. Even if the hookers, and the drug dealers, and the rest of the riff-raff don't care to listen."
She would tell him to mind his own business, but that hadn't worked in all the years she'd known him. Sometimes, he was so infuriating with his father-knows-best attitude, and Luke didn't deserver the crap Taylor put him through. She kept her anger to herself, for the moment.
"Thanks for the support, Taylor." Lorelai suspected Taylor had some kind of gene that allowed him to ignore sarcasm in certain statements in order to interpret them as compliments. She paid for her groceries and piled the many bags into her arms.
She tried to scurry past the diner, but fate was an evil bitch; Luke happened to step out right when she walked by.
"Hey," she said, testing the water. It could have been coincidence, or he could have been waiting for her.
"Hey," he said back. He took in the many bags she was holding. "Do you want help?"
"Depends. Are you offering?"
"No, I was gonna make Bootsy do it."
"Then I'll pass." Lorelai felt her burden being lifted anyhow. She followed Luke as he headed over to her jeep. "Is it still a quarter a bag?"
"You should eat better," he commented, purposefully ignoring her question as he put the bags in the back. Among the various items she'd purchased were jelly beans, blueberry muffins, every flavor of Pop Tart Taylor carried, cheese in a can, and marshmallows.
"I did buy graham crackers," she defended.
"S'mores are not healthy."
"I apologize if my eating habits offend you." She made sure to stress the word apologize. "Don't worry though, I'm sure at the rate I'm going I'll be dead by forty-five. Then you can visit my grave and say 'I told you so' for fifty years and hang out with Michel since he's also gonna live forever."
"Lorelai," Luke chided.
"Ooh, you sound like my dad. Scold me some more, I can't get enough when he does it. Go on, force me to eat a grapefruit while you're at it." Lorelai was suddenly angry at Luke.
"What the hell did I do?" he barked at her. He was trying to be nice, dammit! He'd carried her groceries.
"You didn't do anything that's the whole point!" she screamed back at him. "You're distant and cold and you act like you don't even know me! And then when you do say something, it's insulting. I'm glad that Taylor's getting all my food money now instead of you!" With that, she hopped in her jeep and drove off, leaving Luke just standing there.
He kicked the fire hydrant Lorelai had parked next to. Last night, she comes in his diner and hugs him and tells him she misses him, and today she yells at him. He turned around and stomped back into the diner. Jess watched him as he stormed his way over to the stairs to his apartment.
"Welcome back, Sunshine," he said, smirking.
"Shut up." Luke thumped up the stairs.
Jess followed him over to the foot of the stairs and called up, "It's 'cause you want her, jackass!" Luke's persistent sour mood was seriously starting to annoy him. If he and Lorelai didn't make up soon, Jess had a feeling he might cause one or both bodily harm in his frustration. He was sick of Lorelai walking into the diner and asking if Luke was there, then telling him not to mention to his uncle that she'd asked. Then telling him to say she stopped by, then changing her mind again and asking him to keep quiet. And of Luke asking every time he returned to the diner if Lorelai had stopped in. Then assuring Jess it wasn't like he cared or anything, he was just curious. She was good for business, that's all. Jess had better things to do than get thrown into their little soap opera.
Luke slammed the door to his apartment shut and vowed to toss the kid in the lake the next time he got a chance.
* * *
Lorelai stormed around her house, cursing Luke in all kinds of ways that even sailors would be proud of. Her groceries suffered the brunt of her anger as she slammed them into the fridge and cabinets.
"I'm even stupider than I thought," she muttered. "He hates everything I do and everything I eat and everything I drink, hating me is the next logical step." In her anger, she forgot that just the night before she'd been whining to Rory about how she missed Luke's criticism.
An idea occurred to her, and she stopped putting the groceries up. She grabbed
an empty box from a closet and began tossing items in. She grabbed one item,
the one most precious to her, and apologized to it before also putting it in
the box. She was making a statement, and sometimes, extreme sacrifices had to
be made. Then she got a marker and wrote in heavy letters on the side. With the
box under her arm, she headed out the door.
* * *
Miss Patty was eating at the counter when Lorelai walked into the diner, and Lorelai suspected it was so she could get better glances of Jess's butt. Miss Patty wasn't one to let a bad personality interfere with appreciation of a great body. Lorelai's shoulders slumped. Of course Miss Patty had to be here at this moment. Fate was an evil bitch, indeed.
"Where's Luke?" she shot at Jess.
Jess shrugged. "Crying his eyes out upstairs. I hope we don't run out of Kleenex; 'All Dogs go to Heaven' is on tonight."
Lorelai ignored him. Patty watched eagerly. "What's going on, dear?"
"Nothing, Patty."
"Are you and Luke fighting again, or making up? I do wish you'd make up. Although when he's tense, he tends to flex his muscles more, so I am enjoying this little period of domestic upset."
"Luke and I are not domestic anything. Why don't you people get that?"
"Have it your way, poodle."
Lorelai headed up the stairs, and knocked not so politely on the door. She didn't feel like waiting, so she tried the handle and found it unlocked. It briefly crossed her mind that Luke could be naked or something on the other side, but then she decided that it was his own fault for not locking his door.
She opened the door and stepped into his apartment. He was on the couch, reading. Lorelai was slightly curious about his reading material.
"Jess, get back to work!" he yelled, not looking up.
Lorelai dropped the box on the floor and the crash made Luke look up from his reading.
"Lorelai?"
"I'm sorry I yelled at you," she said, only she still sounded kind of angry. "I was already mad at Taylor and I took it out on you when you didn't deserve the full brunt of it. And I think I have PMS as well."
"The box?"
"Explanation's on the side. Maybe this'll melt away your Mr. Freeze alter ego." Luke vaguely wondered if she'd brought him a space heater. She stepped back through the doorway when he got up from the couch. "Luke, I don't want it to be this way anymore. It doesn't mean we have to forget everything that happened, but we shouldn't act like strangers. I always thought of you as a friend."
He watched as she closed the door behind her. "That's the problem," he said, but like always, he didn't say it to her. The box still sat there, mocking him. He walked over to it and looked at the note taped to it. 'The Big Box of Everything Luke Hates About Lorelai. I named it Casper. You probably hate that, so it's the last thing I'll name that's an inanimate object. Maybe with less to hate about me, you can be a little nicer.'
So it wasn't a space heater. A sick feeling had already started in his stomach, but he pushed it away. He wasn't the kind of guy who felt those kinds of things. The box wasn't taped shut, so he flipped open the top and looked inside. A coffeemaker, a pound of coffee, a wide assortment of pop tarts, and other assorted junk food stared back at him. Mocking him. Accusing him of being a horrible person. He kicked the box.
* * *
"Rory!"
"Mom! You have got to stop calling me all the time and whining before I say hello!"
Lorelai had made a quick retreat to her jeep so that she wouldn't have to face Luke if he had followed her out. She'd had her cell phone out and dialed Rory's number in under three seconds. "We got into another fight! I don't even know why. He was actually trying to be nice and he carried my groceries even though I told him not to, and I was already mad at Taylor, then he just reminded me of grandpa and grapefruit and I felt oppressed so I lashed out at him, and then I went home, and then I just threw away the coffeemaker and the coffee and half the junk food I just bought. How will I live?"
"You did what?" Her mom had lived her life on the crazier side of normal, but throwing away coffee and coffeemaker was just insane.
"Well, I still have the French press and the backup reserves of coffee, but I don't know, I was just so frustrated with Luke and I had this horribly stupid idea that if I gave up all the habits he considers bad he'd be nicer to me, so I put them all in Capser-"
"Who's Casper?"
"The box. You don't think I'd trust the coffeemaker to a complete stranger box! I put it all in and dropped it in Luke's apartment, then beat it out of there before he could do anything, got in the car and called you."
* * *
Luke moved quickly down the stairs but Lorelai's jeep couldn't be seen from the windows. Miss Patty looked at him with an interested expression on her face. "What did I miss?"
"Like I'd tell you."
Patty motioned for more coffee and Jess quickly headed over to refill it, hoping to maybe catch a good argument. "Well, I'd tell you things."
"I wouldn't ask."
She leaned forward over and traced the rim of her coffee cup with her finger. "All kinds of things," she said in a low voice.
"Please don't."
Luke started to walk way, but Patty grabbed his arm, and he stopped walking because even though he really didn't want to hear whatever she was going to say, he knew she wouldn't let go, and he was still too nice of a guy to drag her across the room.
"Let me tell you a story." Luke immediately regretted not dragging her across the floor. "It's a sweet little play I performed in once, set in a small town, much like Stars Hollow."
"If I walk away, will you follow me and continue this torture?"
"Need you ask? So anyhow, it's about this man. A great, big, strong, handsome man. And he's tough inside, but he's got little tender spots on the inside, especially for one woman in particular."
"I hate him already."
"It gets better, darling. So, Jake, that's his name, he likes this woman. Lola."
"Let me guess, she was a showgirl?"
Miss Patty ignored him. "And they're friends, but that's all they are, even though Jake is absolutely smitten. But they're just friends, because poor Jake can't get the courage to tell her how he feels, and Lola doesn't realize how she feels- she likes him too, by the way, but really, what's not to like, I mean this guy is mrowr!" Patty accompanied her growl with a paw swipe.
"I hope they both die."
"So close! Jake decides that he's finally going to so something about it, but he wants to wait for the perfect time. But then he and Lola get in a fight over something ridiculous, and they're both such stubborn people, so they never make up. They drift apart, Lola decides to start her own business and moves to a nearby town, so Jake only sees her once in a while."
"Great story. Really. Should keep everyone on the edge of their seats…because they're all busy throwing up." He tried to walk away again, but Patty had a raptor-like grip on his arm.
"Then he hears Lola is getting married, and he needs to tell Lola, he can't wait anymore, he can't let her marry someone who isn't him. So just as he's leaving to see her, he gets a phone call, and it's Lola's sister, Tori, and she says Lola's been killed in a car accident. So the point of the story is that Jake was waiting for the perfect time, but he waited too long, and his opportunity was gone. Only then did he realize as long as she was around, it was always the perfect time."
Patty squeezed his arm even harder. She cocked her head to the side and gave him a smile that Luke could only describe as evil. "You know, we don't have a lot of festivals in the summer." Luke dreaded what was coming next. "Oh sure, July 4th, but that's more of a national thing and not a town thing. Maybe the town could do some summer theater, like how New York does Shakespeare in the Park. We could put a small stage in the town square, and perform at night, under the stars, and people could bring blankets and sit on the grass and watch the play. I think the Jake and Lola play would be perfect, don't you? People love romance and death. They'd have such a good time, taking in the night air and enjoying every single word and detail they see on the stage. One does learn so much from the theater…"
He'd had enough. "Get out, and take your thinly veiled metaphors and made-up plays with you!" He pointed to the door. "Jess, don't let her in here for a week. She's punished."
Jess nodded. He couldn't care one way or another, but it made things easier if he just pretended to go along with the strange things that went on in this town.
Patty gave a dramatic sigh and slipped off the stool. "I do enjoy being a naughty girl," she said with a flourish, waved at Jess, and left the diner.
Luke shook his head. "Jess, watch the diner for an hour or so. I gotta do something."
"Tell Lola I say hi, Uncle Jake."
"Shut up." Jess was going in the lake twice. But Luke would save the second time for winter. It would be more entertaining.
Luke got in his truck and headed toward the place he feared and hated more than any: the mall.
* * *
Lorelai was late to work the next morning. It didn't usually matter if she was a few minutes late, but today they were hosting a convention of Swedish businessmen and it started in the early afternoon, which didn't give her much time in the morning to make sure everything was running smoothly. It also hadn't helped her when she made the coffee in the French press, since her coffeemaker had been sacrificed. After wasting a few minutes cursing at it and pushing on the knob, she finally realized that the reason the water wasn't getting much darker was because she'd forgotten to grind the beans.
The toaster popped, and Lorelai snatched her pop tarts- she'd only given Luke half the boxes she bought, because she might be a little crazy but she wasn't insane. She dropped the pop tarts when her fingers blazed with pain. "Ow, hot. Toaster makes things hot, good to know." Wrapping them in a paper towel, she grabbed another bag of pop tarts just in case she got hungry on the drive to work. With her other hand, she seized her mug of coffee and half-jogged toward the door.
Cursing the cruel fate that had allowed her to be born with only two hands (and a large head), she moved the bag of pop tarts to her mouth, balanced the paper-towel wrapped pop tarts on the coffee lid, grabbed her purse with one hand, slung it over her shoulder and got the door open, all without breaking her stride. If last-minute rushing was an Olympic sport, she'd definitely win the gold. Unless they disqualified her for excessive amounts of caffeine in her blood.
Just as she was thinking this Olympic-themed thought, a large object placed outside her door obstructed the path her feet were taking. Her upper body continued with its forward momentum, though, and before she knew it, she was flying across her porch.
She tried to break her fall with her arms, which were full of things, so it only half succeeded. She landed in front of the stairs hard, rolled, then thumped down the stairs even harder, ending up in a heap at the bottom.
"Ow," was all she could think of to say.
"Dollface!" she heard Babette call, and soon she could see Babette hovering over her, the long ribbon of her gardening hat tickling Lorelai's nose. "I was watering the roses when I heard you scream and then crash! What happened? Are you okay?"
Lorelai tried to sit up, putting her palms on the ground and pushing. There was a lightning bolt of pain in her left arm. "Ow," she managed again, only louder.
"Did you fall down the stairs? It rained last night, they're wet."
"Fall down. Go boom," Lorelai explained. With her right arm she pointed to the front door. "I think Mafia hitmen left me an offer I couldn't refuse."
Babette looked to where Lorelai was pointing and saw a box. She went up the stairs and picked it up, then brought it back over to Lorelai.
"Casper!" she said accusingly when she saw it. There was writing on the side, and a new note on top. She reached for it, but Babette got it first.
"There's no name. It says, 'Broke your coffeemaker. Pop Tarts were also casualties. Sorry. It's impossible to hate you.'" Babette flipped the note over to see if there was anything else. "Who's it from? Oh, is it Luke? It's Luke, isn't it?" Babette looked on the side of the box, where The Big Box of Stuff Luke Accepts About Lorelai was written in big block letters. "Ha! I knew it!" she exclaimed, quite gleeful.
"Luke put that there?" Lorelai wondered. When had he come by? Did he knock and want to come in and talk and she hadn't heard it? What if he thought she was ignoring him on purpose? Or did he just leave it and run?
"Let's see what's inside!" Babette opened the flaps.
"Sure, okay, it's not like I have a broken arm or anything," Lorelai muttered. Then she saw what Babette was holding up and it made her forget all about the pain. "It's so beautiful," she whispered, reaching her good arm out to stroke it. She looked over the box. "It has auto-shut off, pause-n-pour, gold-tone filter, a timer, 12-cup capacity, stainless steel thermal carafe, and wow, is that aroma-brew technology? It is!" She went to hug it, only to have the pain in her left arm flair up again. Luke had bought her a new coffeemaker, a beautiful, amazing, spectacular coffeemaker, but he also broke her arm. She didn't know whether to be happy or scream for morphine.
"There's more stuff in here." Babette sounded like it was Christmas. "Pop Tarts. Some danishes, and look, doll, it's a coffee mug." She pulled out the mug and showed it to Lorelai. It was a large stainless steel travel mug, double insulated, and had an etching of Wonder Woman on the side.
"Wonder Woman?" Lorelai asked. Then she groaned, because her arm hurt. And her head was starting to throb too, maybe she'd hit that on the stairs.
"Sorry, Sugar! I'm such a dummy. Here you are in pain, and I'm going through your presents. Sit tight, I'll go call the ambulance."
"Babette, no, it's okay. Well, no, it's not okay, but I don't need an ambulance. What if somebody had a heart attack while they're taking me, that wouldn't be fair. I'll drive to the hospital." She staggered to her feet.
"You can't! You could have a concussion. I'll drive you." Babette dashed over to her house, opened the door, found her keys and called out, "Morey! I gotta take Lorelai to the hospital. You call Luke at the diner and tell him it's all his fault!"
-end chapter 6-
Ah, yes the feeble plot appears. And again, that Wonder Woman thing was written before I saw the finale. And you shall see why.
Also, I've decided what I'm going to do with the R/D/J thing, in case some of you are reading for that. I'm going to do nothing, because Rory's gonna choose neither. I don't want to waste anyone's time, and 90 percent of Jess's appeal to me (as a character) is his interaction with Luke, not Rory. The remaining 10 percent of his appeal lies in that incredibly tight sweater he wore right before Luke pushed him into the lake.