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Chapter 13

Lorelai finished her breakfast- brunch if she was honest- and headed over to Kim's Antiques. She reread Lane's extra-detailed plan on her walk. When she reached Lane's house, at precisely fifteen minutes to ten, she put a white Kleenex next to the tree outside, and weighed it down with a small rock. Then she scurried across the street and hid behind a bush, waiting for Lane to see the sign.

After a few minutes, the window to Lane's room opened and Lane waved at the bush, the signal to proceed as planned. Lorelai saw the cue, pulled out her cell phone, and dialed a number.

"Kim's Antiques," Mrs. Kim answered in her brusque manner.

Lorelai switched into her role as Bible Study Counselor, disguising her voice as best she could without sounding completely obvious. "Hello, Mrs. Kim, and God bless. Today is our field trip to the movie theater, we're taking the little ones to see a cartoon, very wholesome with a solid Christian background."

"What's your point?"

"One of our counselors has come up with the flu and we don't want to be short a chaperone. You know how much kids need to be kept in line."

"Of course."

"Well, Lane was such an excellent bible camp attendee I thought that she might be able to help us out today. Like a substitute counselor. Jesus would really appreciate it."

There was a pause as Mrs. Kim considered it. "I suppose."

"Wonderful."

"How long will she be gone for?"

"Oh, well first we have to get all the kids on the bus, and you know how kids are. Then we bus them to the movie theater, and then we watch the movie, so that's two hours right there, and then we're taking the kids to a nice, wholesome lunch. Oh, and when we get back we're going to have a discussion on Jesus, and God, and the Bible." That should give her and Lane enough time.

"What is the discussion on today? Lane can prepare."

Lorelai silently cursed. "Babylon and the Babylonians and their Tower of Babel and uh, how God got angry because they dared to become greater than He. So it's a lesson in humility, and humbleness. And shame, always with the shame."

"Shame is good. Lane can go."

Lorelai gave Lane a thumbs up. Lane disappeared from the window.

"Bless your heart, Mrs. Kim." Lorelai waited for Lane to come out. A few minutes later, Lane left the house and walked down the street towards the bus stop. She sat on the bench, and pretended to wait. Lorelai looked at her watch, and at four minutes to the hour, went to her jeep, which was parked around the corner from the bench.

When the bus came by four minutes later, on schedule, she heard running footsteps, then the door opened and Lane shouted, "Go, go, go!"

Lorelai pulled away from the curb with her good arm and headed down the road. "Wow. We would be so good at pulling bank jobs. We'd be like Bonnie and uh- Bonnie. Without the lesbianism."

"I was thinking 'Sugar and Spice' myself."

"Oh, that's right, you're a cheerleader now." Lorelai giggled. "We could always get the rest of the squad into it." When they were out of sight from the Kim house completely, she parked. "Okay, Chinese fire drill time."

Lane got out of the car, while Lorelai scooted over the shifter and into the passenger seat. Lane opened the driver's door and jumped in. "Actually it was more like a Korean-American fire drill." She frowned at her own comment. "Did I really say that? I apologize. My witty muscles haven't been flexed in so long." She pulled onto the road and headed out of town, the long way, so they wouldn't have to drive by her house.

Lorelai shrugged. "No problem. What kind of tunes do you want?"

"I heard a rumor that you keep Barry Manilow hidden under the seat."

Lorelai cursed. "Rory is in so much trouble."

Lane grinned. "Oh, Mandy, well you came and you gave without taking…." She sang.

"Young lady, I will turn this car around right now!"

"But you're not driving."

"I will use the power of my mind."

"Barry Manilow's kinda cool," Lane conceded. Lorelai popped the CD into the stereo. When they were safely out of Star's Hollow, Lane said, "Thank you so, so much, Lorelai. With Rory gone, I never get a chance to leave the house for the purposes of fun."

"Yeah, well, I'm not too happy lying to your mother. Though I compensate my guilty conscience by comparing this to Harriet Tubman and the Underground Railroad."

"The slave metaphor would not be an exaggeration."

"And we're not really lying, because you are going to see a movie. But this is the one and only time I'm doing this. Got it?"

Lane nodded. "Totally."

Lorelai eased back in the seat a little. "So, I was thinking, since the traffic's not bad we can go to Hartford and see it, and if you're a good girl, we can see it at the theater that's in the mall with the record store you like."

"Adopt me," Lane begged.

"Too much paperwork."

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Two hours later, they emerged from the movie theater with big grins on their faces. "Could Bubbles be any cuter?" Lorelai rhetorically asked.

"What about Buttercup? She's all tough and ass-kicky," Lane demonstrated with a few kicks and punches to the air. "But she's also cute too."

"Oh she rocks, there's no doubt about it."

"And what about Blossom, when she…uh…" Lane couldn't think of anything.

"That's okay. I don't think anyone likes her, really."

"Yeah," Lane conceded. "But Mojo was great!"

"When is he not?" Lorelai pointed. "Record store."

"This is the best day ever!" Lane jumped up and down.

"Oh my god, you need to get out more." Lorelai looked around the mall. "Okay, so I'll let you be with your music shopping and we can meet by that fountain in an hour. If you're on time, we'll get ice cream for the way home."

"You have the best plans."

"Try to convince Luke of that. He thinks mine are on par with Disney."

"Ew."

"Okay, so in this one hour that you will not be under my supervision, you must swear not to engage in illicit drug usage, get pregnant, or convert to whatever it is the Hare Krishnas believe in. And if you see John Travolta and Kirstie Alley, run."

"Got it. See you in an hour."

"By the fountain!" Lorelai reminded her as Lane went into the record store. Lorelai began strolling idly down the mall, keeping an eye out for something to get Jackson for his birthday, and failing miserably. What did you get for a guy who danced to his fruit? Her mood was getting progressively more dismal the farther she walked.

A large pink sign, however, perked her right up.

"Ooh, Semi-Annual Sale and Clearance," she practically drooled as she went into Victoria's Secret. Technically, something purchased for Sookie here would also count as a gift to Jackson.

An hour later, she and her four pink and white bags were waiting for Lane by the fountain. Lane ran up, one minute late, her bags making her running awkward and slightly comical. "Hey! Sorry, sorry! There was this really lame guy in front of me checking out who kept hitting on the sales girl and asking her stupid questions."

"You're lucky I even came back at all." Lorelai raised her four bags.

"Oh my god."

"Yeah."

"Do you even need that much underwear?"

"Well, Kappa Kappa Kappa did that panty raid on our house, so yes." Lorelai reached into a bag and pulled out a smaller one. "Here. I got Rory a matching pair so you both can be part of my spiffy new catch phrase."

Lane looked inside. "Pink underwear with poodles?"

"Oy with the poodles already." Lorelai said. Lane looked slightly confused. "Just ask Rory."

Lane nodded and stuffed the tiny scrap of material in her back pocket and gave the evidence bag back to Lorelai. "I'll have to keep them away from the drawers of white cotton Hanes-her-ways in case the poodles get the urge to mate."

"Oh, no, all male poodles are gay, and the females are far too snooty for sex. No need to worry about that." They walked back to the exit, and Lane excitedly filled her in on all the cool CDs she'd gotten. They stopped at the ice cream store and got giant waffle cones.

"Okay, Lane, let's try a little run through," Lorelai suggested between licks as they went to the car. "So, what movie did you see?"

"'The Prince of Egypt.'"

"Where did you see it?"

"The theater at the Hartford Oaks Mall."

"Why so far from bible camp?"

"On summer months they show previously released kids movies at a discount price in the morning and early afternoon."

"How was Bible discussion?"

"Excellent. We taught the children all about shame and humbleness and the wrath of an angry god."

"Which children did you chaperone, and how old were they?"

"I had the eight year olds: Shannon, Jeremy, Wallace, Matilda, and Sarah. Jeremy was a little rambunctious, but I told him Jesus didn't like noisy, disobedient children, and if he wasn't careful, he'd be throwing spit balls in Hell."

Lorelai finished her cone and threw the napkin she was holding it away before getting into the jeep.  "I think you'll do just fine," she assured Lane, feeling slightly less guilty.

"I hope so," Lane said, and started the car.

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When they got back to Stars Hollow, they parked near Luke's. "You've got forty-three minutes before the bus comes back. You want something at Luke's?"

"Delicious red meat and deep-fat fried potatoes?" Lane hopefully suggested.

"Of course."

When they walked in, Luke looked up, and actually graced them with a smile. "Lane! I thought you were dead or something."

"Nope, just wrongfully imprisoned."

"You think your mom could take in Jess?"

"Oh, I think that's a potential sitcom situation right there."

"Rory's been gone two weeks and you've already replaced her?" Luke asked Lorelai.

Lorelai shrugged. "Not replaced, substituted."

"Oh, I feel loved now," Lane responded, sitting at a table. She looked up at Luke. "Burger with cheese, cheese fries, chocolate shake." When Luke's eyebrows arched, she explained, "My mother has banned cheese completely now, with the exception of soy-cheese, which is not cheese. On that we both agree," she explained.

"And you?" he asked, nudging Lorelai's foot with his own.

"Surprise me."

"Not even gonna try for that burger any more?"

"There's no point."

"Sure you don't want a danish?" Luke tried to hide his smirk behind his order pad and failed miserably.

"I'm already in enough danish debt already. I could pay you for it right now, though, if you'd like." She winked at him.

"So, surprise you. Got it." Luke avoided.

"Just don't surprise me with that sausage from this morning, it was weird."

Luke smiled to himself and walked away.

"Why do I get the feeling there's a whole other story to danishes?" Lorelai didn't say anything. "What, is danish like, a code word for sex?"

Lorelai gasped. "Shut yo mouth!"

Lane shrugged. "I'm just talking 'bout danishes."

After Lane had eaten and hurried out to pretend she was getting off the bus, Lorelai asked Luke for a coffee to go.

"Where to next?" he asked.

"The inn, I gotta give Jackson's present to Sookie."

"Present?"


"His birthday's on Friday."

"Ah. See you later?" he asked.

"Maybe," she responded coyly, and left the diner. She grabbed the bag with Jackson's gift in it from the jeep and walked to the inn.

When she entered, Michel looked up from the desk. "Look who has decided to grace us with her presence."

"Aw, I missed you too."

"Why are you not working? I must answer the phones all by myself, this does not make me happy."

"Oh pull the panties out of your butt, I'll be in tomorrow."

"I do not wear panties and there is nothing up my butt, I assure you."

"Wow. New subject, please."

"How about a story about an inn manager who neglects her duties and does not pay her best employee enough to compensate for the extra burden he shoulders."

"How about I tell Sookie to make you those muffins you like and we'll call it even."

"I agree to your terms."

Lorelai headed over to the kitchen. "Hey, Sookie!" she greeted.

"Hi, honey! How was the movie?"

"Great, except for all the kids in the theater."

"Well, it is a kids' movie."

"Please, they didn't even get a third of the jokes. Oh, by the way, make some of those muffins Michel likes. Except throw in some butter."

Sookie frowned. "Then they wouldn't be fat-free….oh, I hear ya." She put a sauce pan on a back burner to simmer and faced Lorelai. "So what brings you here? You know you're supposed to take a few days off."

"I brought Jackson's birthday present."

"That's sweet, but you didn't have to get him anything. He's the hardest guy in the world to shop for."

"Which is precisely why I didn't get him anything; I got something for you which in turn will be for him." Lorelai held up the Victoria's Secret bag.

"Ooh, let's see!" Sookie took the bag and pulled out the lingerie. She oohed and ahed over the satiny fabric and lace of the nightgown. "I don't know why they call these nightgowns, it's not like at the end of the night you're still wearing it when you fall asleep." She folded it back up and put it back in the bag. "I love it, Jackson will love it!"

"I figured. I kind of wanted to wrap it up and give it to him, so I could see his face when he opened it, and then I could make a kilt-related comment, but then I remembered I wasn't going to be there and it's not worth it if I don't get to see it."

"That's okay, sweetie, I'll just wear it at dinner."

"Just remember to shave your legs and take off the cold cream." There was a sizzle on the stove, and Lorelai turned to leave. "I'll let you get back to work."

Sookie saw a white piece of paper next to the bag. "Oh, wait, your receipt." She picked it up to give to Lorelai, and inadvertently saw the total. "Good lord!"

"Oh. Yeah. It was one expensive nightgown," Lorelai tried to cover.

"How much underwear did you buy?" Sookie's eyes bulged as she went over the receipt.

"Well, it was the semi-annual sale, and you know how I love discounts on over-priced lingerie. Makes me feel like I'm getting even with them for charging so much for so little fabric."

"This is not a 'stock up' spree, this is 'impress the new man' spree."

"No it's not."

"Yes it is! How often do you wear a bustier in your everyday life? Or a garter belt? And look at all these matching bra and panty sets. And new sleepwear. And a teddy! And perfume!" Sookie read down the list.

"You can't let a great deal pass you by!" Lorelai tried to snatch the receipt. Sookie pulled it back before she could. "And a midnight showing of 'Rocky Horror' is playing in Stamford and my old costume was getting ratty," she tried again to explain.

She asked one of the cooks to watch her sauce, and grabbed Lorelai's arm, dragging her out of the kitchen and into the currently unused dining room. "This is for Luke!" she accused.

"No. I don't know. Maybe."

"I thought you were chickening out. Or were you just telling me that?"

"I'm not lying, Sookie, you know I'd tell you if anything happened. But I really don't know what I want. We're getting along so well, and there's something there, I can feel it, and I think he can feel it, but I am terrified about the consequences. Last night we had phone foreplay without even intending to."

"Phone foreplay?"

"Yeah, one notch up from flirting but a few notches shy of charging 4.99 a minute." She caught Sookie's ghost of a smile. "What?"

"Nothing, nothing," Sookie quickly assured her. "It's just, I was imagining Luke and this whole foreplay thing and it was funny. It was full of diner-isms, like 'I'm gonna flip your patties' and 'I want my meat done well.'"

"Sookie! No, there was a danish bit, and then he took away my danishes, and then I asked how I could get them back, and he suggested strip tease and I suggested lap dance and it all kind of disintegrated from there."

"That's not the whole story, is it?" Sookie asked knowingly.

"No. He came over after closing to give me something from Lane, and he hadn't seen the Kirk movie…" Lorelai recapped the night's events.

When she was finished, Sookie said, "I always wondered what he looked like underneath that flannel."

"Sookie, he could be the guy on the Brawny paper towel label. I could barely refrain from jumping him. Or giving him the lap dance."

Sookie pouted. "You never offered me a lap dance for a danish. Are you saying his danishes are better than mine?" she joked.

Lorelai rolled her eyes. "Next time you make some, I'll give you a lap dance too."

"Can I donate my lap dance to Luke?"

"No!"

Sookie shrugged. "It was worth a try. Anything else I should know?"

Lorelai lowered her voice and acted as if what she was about to tell Sookie was a classified secret. "He's afraid of Oompa Loompas."

When Sookie heard that, she started laughing and could not stop. At one point, Lorelai was afraid Sookie wasn't able to breathe. When the laughter finally subsided, Sookie held up her hand. "Sorry, sorry, it's just that…Luke, big strong tough Luke, is afraid of little bitty Ooompa Loompas."

Lorelai smiled. "It is pretty funny, isn't it?"

Sookie wiped the tears from her eyes. "I think I've picked out my Halloween costume." She playfully hit Lorelai on the arm. "This is so great! You guys slept together!"

"Not in the biblical sense," Lorelai clarified. Then she mentioned Babette's now routine appearance at her front door, and how she'd been wearing Luke's shirt. "I swear Sookie, I feel like I'm trapped in an episode of Three's Company, with the nosy neighbors and the wacky misunderstandings."

 "At least Luke's not pretending to be gay," Sookie pointed out. Then she thought of something. "If Babette knows, that means Patty knows, which means..." 

"The whole town knows. But it's not even true."

"You can make it true."

"I want to, Sookie. But how long will it last? I can't casually date Luke, because he's Luke. But none of my relationships end up well, and I don't want Luke to be on the reject list. I don't want to hurt him, so that leaves me with like, no options."

"But with Luke it could be different; that's the whole point. The point which you seem to be missing."

"I'm not missing it, I'm just not certain of it. Now that I know what it's like to not have Luke as a friend, I don't want to do anything that would cause that situation again. There's no guarantee that anything with Luke would work."

Sookie was starting to get a little frustrated. If only she could lock the two of them up in a room until they got through the first, biggest hurdle. "You don't get guarantees on this kind of thing. The only guarantee you're going to get is that you wasted your money on a bunch of lingerie."

"I know. I just had this irrational thought of 'hey, what if something does happen, even if you didn't plan on it happening. You don't want to be caught wearing the Hello Kitty underwear you've had since 1987 and that turquoise bra with the brown stripes.' Last night was a total example of my unpreparedness. It's just a Boy Scout thing, you know, always be prepared."

"Except the boy scouts don't buy bras."

"The ones they kick out of the troop might."

Sookie put her hand on Lorelai's shoulder. "Look, you bought all that stuff because no matter how many times your brain tells you what to do, your heart isn't listening. So maybe you should listen to your heart."

"That's a song, isn't it?" Lorelai rolled her eyes. "I see your point. But I'm still not gonna actively pursue this. If it happens, it happens, and hopefully I'll look good when it does."

"To me it would be more realistic to say 'when it happens.'"

"Look, potato, potahto, I'm not going to throw myself at him."

"So your plan of action is to take no action."

Lorelai nodded. "And to look pretty while doing it."

-end ch. 13-