Loyalty
by Jennifer A. Wand
a Gravitation fan fiction
VI. Blind Game Again
"Nakano Jin'emon constantly said, 'A person who serves when treated kindly by the master is not a retainer. But one who serves when the master is being heartless and unreasonable is a retainer.'"
- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai
"But why?"
The question rang throughout the court. Ladies sipping tea and sake heard it and inclined their dainty ears toward the sound of gossip. Guards and warriors heard it and were repulsed by the begging tone. Local idlers and peasants heard it and wondered what all the fuss was about.
Eiri heard it and kept walking.
"Why, Yuki? Why?" Shuichi tripped and stumbled over his own frantically flying feet as he trailed after Eiri, whose back was to him as he walked away at full speed. He didn't look back; he didn't give any signs of hearing. He simply moved through the court, never giving notice to the ruckus on his heels. His brows were locked in a scowl, and he frowned at the floor as he hurried along.
He sped up as he entered the corridor leading to his chambers, seeing the goal in sight. He spun as soon as he entered the room and pushed the sliding door closed as quickly as he could, hoping to lock Shuichi out. It didn't work. Shuichi inserted one foot in the doorway, howling in pain when the door slammed into him, but at the same time grabbing the wooden supports of door and doorframe with fast-moving hands and pushing as hard as he could to squeeze his whole body through. Eiri was strong enough to drive a sword through human flesh, but he wasn't quite brutal enough to spear Shuichi on wood and paper. He sighed and let go abruptly, causing Shuichi to spill into the room like an over-full kettle of boiling confusion.
"Get out of here," he demanded, as Shuichi drew himself up from the ragged heap on the floor he had been. He knew the demand had less potency than water, but still he felt obliged to say it. As though the boy would obey him, when he'd defied Seguchi!
"Why did you say that?" Shuichi repeated.
Eiri found his voice rising despite himself. "You think I'm going to associate with someone who doesn't even have the decency to obey his own lord? You're disgusting!"
Shuichi didn't buy it. "That's not the real reason!" he retorted. "Why, Yuki? Why?"
"'Why, Yuki, why?'" Eiri mimicked. "You echo so much, you might as well be a canyon -- empty inside and only good at repeating others' words!"
"That's not an answer!"
"Well, it'll have to do!" The shouting match was so loud, it was giving Eiri a headache. Yet he couldn't get out of it. Weariness began to cloud his already rage-blurred vision. "You've got no sense of respect or loyalty at all! How could I think to get involved with someone who pulls crossdressing stunts to avoid standing up and fighting for the land he farms on?"
"And I suppose you'd dress up like a woman AND root around in the mud with pigs if Seguchi-sama told you to!" Shuichi retorted.
Eiri felt his knees go weak with fatigue. He waved a hand at Shuichi. "Just leave! I don't want to see your face!"
"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Shuichi shouted. "Do what you want with my body without having to deal with who I am! Sometimes I think you're only interested in what goes on here--" he gestured broadly with one arm at the futon-- "and not in me!"
Trembling with rage and frustration, Eiri spit, "What about you!? You're the one who doesn't care! Do I mean so little to you that you'd change your mind about leaving the minute Seguchi threatens you?"
It was only when Shuichi leaned back and blinked a few times that Eiri realized what he'd said. He felt all the color drain from his face, leaving his already-white skin pallid and hollow. Shuichi had broken him - he'd lost. The lies, like clouds, had parted, and the truth came tumbling from his lips like stubborn sunlight. He wanted to sink to the futon and cry. He'd never be able to drive the boy away now.
"Yuki..." The word was all wonder and disbelief on Shuichi's lips. He drew the next conclusion cautiously, as though afraid to leap too far. "Then... you wanted me to stay?"
Eiri moaned in response. "I wanted you to say yes or no, one way or the other, and damn the consequences! Isn't there anything you'd give your life for?" he demanded, and then added weakly, "I thought that maybe... I was..."
"I love you," Shuichi said suddenly.
Eiri staggered. "What?"
"I love you," the boy repeated, his gaze direct and unwavering. "I'm in love with you. You have to know that much by now. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be with you."
Half of Eiri screamed to run forward, to seize this beautiful, honest young boy with all his might and admit that he felt the same. But the sick suspicion that had lain too long in the pit of his stomach bit at him like an angry dog. "Then why?" was all he said.
A hint of a smile touched Shuichi's face. "Because if I die, I can't be with you," he said. "It's that simple. If I'm alive, we can still be together someday, even if I have to go away for now."
Eiri knew he was crumpling inside. Soon, he would have no willpower left, and he'd have to give in and touch Shuichi. Still, he brandished words like a rusty sword that no one believed would cut. "If Tohma wants you away from me," he said, his voice catching and becoming a raw croak, "then you won't get to see me. He'll order you to stay away."
"Orders won't stop me," Shuichi said, fire in his eyes. "I'll find a way to get to you, whether he likes it or not."
"You'd dishonor yourself. And me. Would you do that to me?" Eiri accused.
"Honor!" Shuichi threw his hands in the air. "Would you listen to yourself? You tell me I'm disloyal because I would rather live than die, even if it means being away from you. And now you'd throw me away for the sake of your precious pride? What the hell is honor, anyway? Is it something you can hold? Touch? Count like grains of rice? You can't, Yuki! Honor's something you make up inside your own head! It doesn't affect anyone else and it sure as hell doesn't keep you warm at night!"
Eiri heard himself speak rather than willing the words to his lips. "It does," he said brokenly, "when it's all you have."
Shuichi stared at him a moment. Then he moved forward, pushing himself into Eiri's arms, nuzzling his chest. He was so warm that Eiri couldn't help but gasp. "You have me now," Shuichi murmured, his voice vibrating into him. "Are you going to let go of that?"
"...I have no choice," Eiri moaned, the sorrow in his voice unmistakeable.
Shuichi's grip became fiercer. "You've held your pride so close for so long, Yuki," he whispered hotly, meaningfully into the older man's chest. "Hold me instead."
Eiri's eyes widened, and his body tensed. He felt like he'd been speared on a sword of ringing truth. Shuichi went on. "Hold me as tightly as you do your pride," he said. "Embrace me like you embrace your duty. I'm just like them, Yuki. I'm as real as they are. I'll satisfy you like they do and I'll make your life as difficult as they do. But the difference, Yuki, is that when you hold me... I'll hold you too."
The last pillar of self-control tumbled into a sea of emotion, and Eiri's arms came around Shuichi in an embrace like a vise, holding him in place. Feverish passion rose up in his veins, and he was only able to whisper again, "...I have no choice!" Meaningless words, drowned and betrayed by his actions, as his mouth, his hands, his body, sought Shuichi's, as he forgot the world.
-
Tohma smiled to himself as he made his way down the hall. Things couldn't have gone better if he had handed Eiri a script to follow. Now the boy was no longer a threat, here or in Nara. Nothing could break Eiri's iron will -- Tohma knew this much. He had tried many a time.
Perhaps it had all been Yuki's fault. Kitazawa Yuki had put young Eiri in a horrific position, and when the chaos finally came to its climax, Eiri was in the middle, dripping with blood and destroyed inside. A young warrior capable of so much power, and yet so powerless against the intricate movements of the world that went on despite him. Perhaps Eiri had lost his capacity for true power that night, and Tohma had seen his chance: to have complete control of a perfect warrior who was incapable of personal ambition -- surely that was the dream of every leader. Security without the threat of mutiny. And from that desire to control, something else had emerged. Tohma had the self-awareness to think of it as an obsession, but that didn't lessen its grip on his mind.
Many nights, especially when he was away in battle, Eiri appeared in Tohma's dreams. But not the real Eiri -- a strange puppet of himself, moving jerkily at every pull Tohma made at his strings. Granted, the dreams were luscious, and the memory of the dream-Eiri made living through the days so much more bearable. But the cravings the dreams satisfied were nothing compared to the longings they instilled in Tohma. He wanted to feel that skin, to see that acquiescent expression, for himself. In real life and real time. He wanted to hear that groan of surrender beneath him.
But Eiri wouldn't hear of it. Any advances Tohma made on him were not only rejected, but resented. Tohma's every move had backfired, and made the warrior suspicious of him, reluctant to even get near him. His glances were pointed, his words gruff. And it would do no good to force his hand... while he knew Eiri would likely obey, what would be the pleasure in that? He wanted Eiri to cave in of his own will and come to him, beg him to take the pain and conflict away. Eiri wanted to be a slave, deep in his heart. He couldn't take the pain of making difficult decisions. Tohma saw this weakness in him and seized it with fascination. If he could just turn that key enough times, the door to Eiri's soul would be unlocked and it would be his.
Thus, Tohma kept trying. Despite every rejection, Eiri was still his, and he still teetered dangerously on the brink of inhumanity. As long as he was kept on the emotionless path of a warrior, living his life in fear of the monsters that inhabited reality, there was still a chance that someday he would fall headlong into that abyss. And then he would be Tohma's, body and soul -- never able to reject him again.
Which is why the boy was so dangerous. Eiri had had affairs before -- usually meaningless sex, occasionally a conversation partner to talk about matters of no substance with. Court ladies, or occasionally a lower-ranked samurai out on the battlefield. Tohma was not jealous of these flirtations -- he, too, had his own life, and even a wife whom he genuinely loved. But none of Eiri's flings ever threatened to steal him away from Tohma.
This Shuichi was different, though. Sparks of fire flew from his eyes and lips at the least provocation. He could say the word "No" directly to a superior, and feel justified in doing it. He was young and beautiful and idealistic, and perhaps it was the stage presence that made him so magnetic, but there was something moving about every word he said. Given the amount of time Eiri was spending with the boy, there was ample opportunity for him to be influenced by his passion. Shuichi, in time, could well save Eiri's soul -- and that would ruin him for Tohma forever.
Eiri had made himself clear, though, there in the audience room. There was no future for that relationship now -- Shuichi had his own weaknesses, and he'd never be able to stand being that publicly put down. Now, Tohma mused as he approached Eiri's room, his precious warrior would be lost, confused... closer to the edge than ever before. His lingering feelings for Shuichi would haunt him, and he would beg for Tohma's help. Like he did before. Tohma drew close to the door and raised his hand to tap on the frame.
Just before his knuckles touched the wood, he heard it. A distinct gasp, and the words "Don't tease me, Yuki." He knew the voice. And then Eiri's voice, mumbling something indistinct... a growl... a rustling. And things Tohma just did not want to hear.
He didn't care if the slap of his feet on the hallway's wooden boards interrupted them. He just had to get away from that room as fast as he could, and the noise he made be damned. How could he have misjudged them so badly? Were Eiri's feelings for the boy already so intense that he had lost his priorities... his loyalties.. his mind!? Was it possible, thought Tohma with a sudden shudder, that Eiri could truly be in love with him?
Rage trembled in his limbs, in his whole body. After all he'd done, would he lose Eiri to this child, who wouldn't know what to do with a man like Eiri if he had him? Tohma couldn't stand the thought. Eiri may never be his completely, but he'd be damned before he let him belong to anyone else. Eiri had been his property since that cold windy night and would be forever.
Tohma shouted to a nearby attendant to fetch his war advisers. It was time for a new plan.
-
The first thing Eiri did when he stepped into the audience room was apologize profusely for causing a scene in their previous meeting. Empty words, and infuriating ones to Tohma, who could see in the glow of Eiri's skin a happiness that frustrated him to no end. He didn't feel sorry in the least. Still, Tohma waved the words away like the pesky mosquitos that they were. "Don't give it a second thought," he said sunnily. Eiri made a false show of relaxing. Tohma bit his lip to avoid a swell of rage and moved to seat himself.
"Eiri-san," he said, smiling as warmly as he could manage, "your presence here in the castle is, to my own heart as well as the hearts of everyone, a great blessing. The peace of mind I enjoy in your company is to be treasured." Eiri mumbled the necessary phrases of gratitude, a signal that the formalities could give way to more serious talk. Tohma knotted his brow in consternation. "However," he went on, "there is a storm coming."
"Some longtime enemies of mine from the north are on the move," Tohma continued, rubbing his hands together slowly. "I have heard some disturbing reports from my spies that they have been gathering arms and allies from among my closer neighbors. These are people who have long wanted this land but until now lacked the power to occupy it; and, furthermore, I have been told that some of my so-called allies have joined with my enemies. As you well know, Eiri-san, the siren call of power can weaken the strongest loyalty. And as you also know," he said, staring pointedly at him, "I punish those who betray me and reward well those who defend me."
Eiri grit his teeth, but he kept silent. Tohma sighed resolutely. "My forces are great in number, and my spies have a wealth of information at your command. But we cannot see the future. We need your expertise to survey the battleground and try to deduce their plan -- and we need you to create a powerful enough defensive plan that the enemies will not only be routed, but chastened." Tohma stood up, and his voice boomed throughout the room. "I wish to show them exactly what it means to betray me."
Sitting down, Tohma hung his head in an expression that begged no interruption. Eiri waited for the inevitable sigh of regret, followed by whatever weighty words Tohma was planning to say. It came like clockwork. Resolutely sighing, Tohma looked Eiri straight in the eyes and said in a subdued voice, "And if possible, I want you to lead my men to victory as well."
Both men knew exactly what was meant by this. Tohma was sending Eiri out into the thick of a battle with a dangerous enemy, an enemy that undoubtedly had some trick up its sleeve to attract so many allies and mount such an attack. Eiri would have no idea what he was up against -- such a battle, against an enemy who had not attacked before, would most likely be a bloodbath. Tohma was sending Eiri to probable death.
Tohma had struggled with this decision. Certainly, Eiri was no use to him dead. Why lose the one thing he'd struggled to obtain all his life? But the rage that possessed him whenever he thought about Shuichi in Eiri's bed insisted it. He would not allow his prize to fall into the hands of that child. Eiri was his, belonged to him, body and soul, living or dead. This way at least the boy would get no more control over him. Eiri's death, like his life, would be completely under Tohma's control.
After all, how much more power can you have over a person's life than the power to take it from him?
The idea had filled Tohma with a chilly sense of relief. He felt frozen inside, already weeping, but grim triumph prevailed in his mind. As though Eiri were already dead. He found himself looking forward to it. And then, what would he do to Shuichi? Corner him and accuse him of being the cause of Eiri's death, telling him "If you hadn't gotten in the way..."? Allow him to believe Eiri was alive until he returned from Nara, and then deliver the news to watch him crumple? All the ideas sounded equally delicious to Tohma. He would have fun breaking this strong-willed child, as he had witnessed Eiri break too, all those years ago.
"Well, then, Eiri-san," Tohma said, looking down on his vassal. "Will you undertake this mission? May I count on your protection once again?" And he awaited the answer.
Eiri was not afraid of death. Since his childhood, since his training by his father and other samurai of the Uesugi clan, he had learned to accept death, moving quickly toward it at each turn. A man who knows he will die is a fierce warrior indeed, and Eiri fought with the resolution of one who knows his fate. Never did the idea of a battle grip him with fear of his own mortality. He was actually amazed at how long he had managed to live, given the number of battles he'd fought. He never dreamed he'd see past twenty years, much less thirty.
So what was this paralyzing chill that gripped his heart at Tohma's proclamation?
Perhaps it was that he'd been here too long. Peaceful life in one place settled one into a misleading feeling of domesticity... as though nothing would change. Still, it had not been the first time he'd been called to war after weeks of peace. Such times were rare, but not unheard of. Eiri had always adapted without a problem.
Eyeing Tohma, Eiri thought that perhaps his uneasiness came from the source. Tohma's motives were always questionable, and it always filled Eiri with a sense of dread to carry out one of his lord's orders. Could he really go through with it again? Could he really march into that blind game again, like a puppet, going about his business and playing his inadvertent role in a story he didn't know?
What was Tohma's plan for him? Why send Eiri away now, when he had been so eager to have him home? Was there something going on Tohma did not want him to see? Did Tohma plan to execute Shuichi while Eiri was not around?
At this, a fresh wave of ice poured into Eiri's veins. There were no words for the horror that filled him at that thought. Just images... of long limbs... tender lips... a mind full of flights of fancy... meaningless words babbled on and on in a boyish tenor... flushed skin in muted torchlight... These things were an essential part of the world. They couldn't be snuffed out. He'd be nowhere without them. How could he let anyone, even Tohma, take that away from him?
"No."
The world stumbled past his lips, feeling foreign and wrong. Eiri didn't even realize he'd said it until he saw Tohma's face change -- from expectant to quizzical, and then to dark. "What?" he whispered. "What did you say?"
Guilt assaulted Eiri. What he had just said was unthinkable. It may have been in another language for all the sense it made. One did not refuse one's master. This was the code that ensured survival. A master provided for the vassal who obeyed him. A refusal could mean the loss of everything one had worked for, and worse, the loss of honor. What could Eiri do if he was shamed as a samurai? Become a highway robber and assault victims on the road? Wander the towns as a ronin and fear the reproach of all who had heard of his disgraceful downfall? Cut himself open and lose the world altogether?
But that was only the beginning. These were the concerns that created the system Eiri was a part of. But that system was his world now -- he was a warrior just as much as he was a lover. Perhaps he had forgotten that in these weeks of giddy infatuation. If he denied Tohma now, he would lose the other foundations that made him who he was. He'd be as much without a world as he would without Shuichi.
And Shuichi had said, "It's that simple. If I'm alive, we can still be together someday, even if I have to go away for now." Eiri felt a faint hope lift his heart. There was still a chance of his survival, and of reunion with Shuichi. Of more days of foolish chatting and nights of fevered kisses. Of happiness. And if Eiri disgraced himself now, he would never be able to allow himself that happiness.
He bowed his head. "Have Tatsuha ready in the morning," he said.
-to be continued-
--
Sorry this chapter was so long in the making. I haven't had a chance to work on Chapter 7... my computer broke down (uwanh! One more thing I have to deal with in the last few weeks before I leave for Japan for a year! Kanben shiTE yo MOU!!!)
You guys will like the next chapter.
by Jennifer A. Wand
a Gravitation fan fiction
VI. Blind Game Again
"Nakano Jin'emon constantly said, 'A person who serves when treated kindly by the master is not a retainer. But one who serves when the master is being heartless and unreasonable is a retainer.'"
- from the pages of the HAGAKURE, the handbook of the samurai
"But why?"
The question rang throughout the court. Ladies sipping tea and sake heard it and inclined their dainty ears toward the sound of gossip. Guards and warriors heard it and were repulsed by the begging tone. Local idlers and peasants heard it and wondered what all the fuss was about.
Eiri heard it and kept walking.
"Why, Yuki? Why?" Shuichi tripped and stumbled over his own frantically flying feet as he trailed after Eiri, whose back was to him as he walked away at full speed. He didn't look back; he didn't give any signs of hearing. He simply moved through the court, never giving notice to the ruckus on his heels. His brows were locked in a scowl, and he frowned at the floor as he hurried along.
He sped up as he entered the corridor leading to his chambers, seeing the goal in sight. He spun as soon as he entered the room and pushed the sliding door closed as quickly as he could, hoping to lock Shuichi out. It didn't work. Shuichi inserted one foot in the doorway, howling in pain when the door slammed into him, but at the same time grabbing the wooden supports of door and doorframe with fast-moving hands and pushing as hard as he could to squeeze his whole body through. Eiri was strong enough to drive a sword through human flesh, but he wasn't quite brutal enough to spear Shuichi on wood and paper. He sighed and let go abruptly, causing Shuichi to spill into the room like an over-full kettle of boiling confusion.
"Get out of here," he demanded, as Shuichi drew himself up from the ragged heap on the floor he had been. He knew the demand had less potency than water, but still he felt obliged to say it. As though the boy would obey him, when he'd defied Seguchi!
"Why did you say that?" Shuichi repeated.
Eiri found his voice rising despite himself. "You think I'm going to associate with someone who doesn't even have the decency to obey his own lord? You're disgusting!"
Shuichi didn't buy it. "That's not the real reason!" he retorted. "Why, Yuki? Why?"
"'Why, Yuki, why?'" Eiri mimicked. "You echo so much, you might as well be a canyon -- empty inside and only good at repeating others' words!"
"That's not an answer!"
"Well, it'll have to do!" The shouting match was so loud, it was giving Eiri a headache. Yet he couldn't get out of it. Weariness began to cloud his already rage-blurred vision. "You've got no sense of respect or loyalty at all! How could I think to get involved with someone who pulls crossdressing stunts to avoid standing up and fighting for the land he farms on?"
"And I suppose you'd dress up like a woman AND root around in the mud with pigs if Seguchi-sama told you to!" Shuichi retorted.
Eiri felt his knees go weak with fatigue. He waved a hand at Shuichi. "Just leave! I don't want to see your face!"
"Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?" Shuichi shouted. "Do what you want with my body without having to deal with who I am! Sometimes I think you're only interested in what goes on here--" he gestured broadly with one arm at the futon-- "and not in me!"
Trembling with rage and frustration, Eiri spit, "What about you!? You're the one who doesn't care! Do I mean so little to you that you'd change your mind about leaving the minute Seguchi threatens you?"
It was only when Shuichi leaned back and blinked a few times that Eiri realized what he'd said. He felt all the color drain from his face, leaving his already-white skin pallid and hollow. Shuichi had broken him - he'd lost. The lies, like clouds, had parted, and the truth came tumbling from his lips like stubborn sunlight. He wanted to sink to the futon and cry. He'd never be able to drive the boy away now.
"Yuki..." The word was all wonder and disbelief on Shuichi's lips. He drew the next conclusion cautiously, as though afraid to leap too far. "Then... you wanted me to stay?"
Eiri moaned in response. "I wanted you to say yes or no, one way or the other, and damn the consequences! Isn't there anything you'd give your life for?" he demanded, and then added weakly, "I thought that maybe... I was..."
"I love you," Shuichi said suddenly.
Eiri staggered. "What?"
"I love you," the boy repeated, his gaze direct and unwavering. "I'm in love with you. You have to know that much by now. There's nothing I wouldn't give to be with you."
Half of Eiri screamed to run forward, to seize this beautiful, honest young boy with all his might and admit that he felt the same. But the sick suspicion that had lain too long in the pit of his stomach bit at him like an angry dog. "Then why?" was all he said.
A hint of a smile touched Shuichi's face. "Because if I die, I can't be with you," he said. "It's that simple. If I'm alive, we can still be together someday, even if I have to go away for now."
Eiri knew he was crumpling inside. Soon, he would have no willpower left, and he'd have to give in and touch Shuichi. Still, he brandished words like a rusty sword that no one believed would cut. "If Tohma wants you away from me," he said, his voice catching and becoming a raw croak, "then you won't get to see me. He'll order you to stay away."
"Orders won't stop me," Shuichi said, fire in his eyes. "I'll find a way to get to you, whether he likes it or not."
"You'd dishonor yourself. And me. Would you do that to me?" Eiri accused.
"Honor!" Shuichi threw his hands in the air. "Would you listen to yourself? You tell me I'm disloyal because I would rather live than die, even if it means being away from you. And now you'd throw me away for the sake of your precious pride? What the hell is honor, anyway? Is it something you can hold? Touch? Count like grains of rice? You can't, Yuki! Honor's something you make up inside your own head! It doesn't affect anyone else and it sure as hell doesn't keep you warm at night!"
Eiri heard himself speak rather than willing the words to his lips. "It does," he said brokenly, "when it's all you have."
Shuichi stared at him a moment. Then he moved forward, pushing himself into Eiri's arms, nuzzling his chest. He was so warm that Eiri couldn't help but gasp. "You have me now," Shuichi murmured, his voice vibrating into him. "Are you going to let go of that?"
"...I have no choice," Eiri moaned, the sorrow in his voice unmistakeable.
Shuichi's grip became fiercer. "You've held your pride so close for so long, Yuki," he whispered hotly, meaningfully into the older man's chest. "Hold me instead."
Eiri's eyes widened, and his body tensed. He felt like he'd been speared on a sword of ringing truth. Shuichi went on. "Hold me as tightly as you do your pride," he said. "Embrace me like you embrace your duty. I'm just like them, Yuki. I'm as real as they are. I'll satisfy you like they do and I'll make your life as difficult as they do. But the difference, Yuki, is that when you hold me... I'll hold you too."
The last pillar of self-control tumbled into a sea of emotion, and Eiri's arms came around Shuichi in an embrace like a vise, holding him in place. Feverish passion rose up in his veins, and he was only able to whisper again, "...I have no choice!" Meaningless words, drowned and betrayed by his actions, as his mouth, his hands, his body, sought Shuichi's, as he forgot the world.
-
Tohma smiled to himself as he made his way down the hall. Things couldn't have gone better if he had handed Eiri a script to follow. Now the boy was no longer a threat, here or in Nara. Nothing could break Eiri's iron will -- Tohma knew this much. He had tried many a time.
Perhaps it had all been Yuki's fault. Kitazawa Yuki had put young Eiri in a horrific position, and when the chaos finally came to its climax, Eiri was in the middle, dripping with blood and destroyed inside. A young warrior capable of so much power, and yet so powerless against the intricate movements of the world that went on despite him. Perhaps Eiri had lost his capacity for true power that night, and Tohma had seen his chance: to have complete control of a perfect warrior who was incapable of personal ambition -- surely that was the dream of every leader. Security without the threat of mutiny. And from that desire to control, something else had emerged. Tohma had the self-awareness to think of it as an obsession, but that didn't lessen its grip on his mind.
Many nights, especially when he was away in battle, Eiri appeared in Tohma's dreams. But not the real Eiri -- a strange puppet of himself, moving jerkily at every pull Tohma made at his strings. Granted, the dreams were luscious, and the memory of the dream-Eiri made living through the days so much more bearable. But the cravings the dreams satisfied were nothing compared to the longings they instilled in Tohma. He wanted to feel that skin, to see that acquiescent expression, for himself. In real life and real time. He wanted to hear that groan of surrender beneath him.
But Eiri wouldn't hear of it. Any advances Tohma made on him were not only rejected, but resented. Tohma's every move had backfired, and made the warrior suspicious of him, reluctant to even get near him. His glances were pointed, his words gruff. And it would do no good to force his hand... while he knew Eiri would likely obey, what would be the pleasure in that? He wanted Eiri to cave in of his own will and come to him, beg him to take the pain and conflict away. Eiri wanted to be a slave, deep in his heart. He couldn't take the pain of making difficult decisions. Tohma saw this weakness in him and seized it with fascination. If he could just turn that key enough times, the door to Eiri's soul would be unlocked and it would be his.
Thus, Tohma kept trying. Despite every rejection, Eiri was still his, and he still teetered dangerously on the brink of inhumanity. As long as he was kept on the emotionless path of a warrior, living his life in fear of the monsters that inhabited reality, there was still a chance that someday he would fall headlong into that abyss. And then he would be Tohma's, body and soul -- never able to reject him again.
Which is why the boy was so dangerous. Eiri had had affairs before -- usually meaningless sex, occasionally a conversation partner to talk about matters of no substance with. Court ladies, or occasionally a lower-ranked samurai out on the battlefield. Tohma was not jealous of these flirtations -- he, too, had his own life, and even a wife whom he genuinely loved. But none of Eiri's flings ever threatened to steal him away from Tohma.
This Shuichi was different, though. Sparks of fire flew from his eyes and lips at the least provocation. He could say the word "No" directly to a superior, and feel justified in doing it. He was young and beautiful and idealistic, and perhaps it was the stage presence that made him so magnetic, but there was something moving about every word he said. Given the amount of time Eiri was spending with the boy, there was ample opportunity for him to be influenced by his passion. Shuichi, in time, could well save Eiri's soul -- and that would ruin him for Tohma forever.
Eiri had made himself clear, though, there in the audience room. There was no future for that relationship now -- Shuichi had his own weaknesses, and he'd never be able to stand being that publicly put down. Now, Tohma mused as he approached Eiri's room, his precious warrior would be lost, confused... closer to the edge than ever before. His lingering feelings for Shuichi would haunt him, and he would beg for Tohma's help. Like he did before. Tohma drew close to the door and raised his hand to tap on the frame.
Just before his knuckles touched the wood, he heard it. A distinct gasp, and the words "Don't tease me, Yuki." He knew the voice. And then Eiri's voice, mumbling something indistinct... a growl... a rustling. And things Tohma just did not want to hear.
He didn't care if the slap of his feet on the hallway's wooden boards interrupted them. He just had to get away from that room as fast as he could, and the noise he made be damned. How could he have misjudged them so badly? Were Eiri's feelings for the boy already so intense that he had lost his priorities... his loyalties.. his mind!? Was it possible, thought Tohma with a sudden shudder, that Eiri could truly be in love with him?
Rage trembled in his limbs, in his whole body. After all he'd done, would he lose Eiri to this child, who wouldn't know what to do with a man like Eiri if he had him? Tohma couldn't stand the thought. Eiri may never be his completely, but he'd be damned before he let him belong to anyone else. Eiri had been his property since that cold windy night and would be forever.
Tohma shouted to a nearby attendant to fetch his war advisers. It was time for a new plan.
-
The first thing Eiri did when he stepped into the audience room was apologize profusely for causing a scene in their previous meeting. Empty words, and infuriating ones to Tohma, who could see in the glow of Eiri's skin a happiness that frustrated him to no end. He didn't feel sorry in the least. Still, Tohma waved the words away like the pesky mosquitos that they were. "Don't give it a second thought," he said sunnily. Eiri made a false show of relaxing. Tohma bit his lip to avoid a swell of rage and moved to seat himself.
"Eiri-san," he said, smiling as warmly as he could manage, "your presence here in the castle is, to my own heart as well as the hearts of everyone, a great blessing. The peace of mind I enjoy in your company is to be treasured." Eiri mumbled the necessary phrases of gratitude, a signal that the formalities could give way to more serious talk. Tohma knotted his brow in consternation. "However," he went on, "there is a storm coming."
"Some longtime enemies of mine from the north are on the move," Tohma continued, rubbing his hands together slowly. "I have heard some disturbing reports from my spies that they have been gathering arms and allies from among my closer neighbors. These are people who have long wanted this land but until now lacked the power to occupy it; and, furthermore, I have been told that some of my so-called allies have joined with my enemies. As you well know, Eiri-san, the siren call of power can weaken the strongest loyalty. And as you also know," he said, staring pointedly at him, "I punish those who betray me and reward well those who defend me."
Eiri grit his teeth, but he kept silent. Tohma sighed resolutely. "My forces are great in number, and my spies have a wealth of information at your command. But we cannot see the future. We need your expertise to survey the battleground and try to deduce their plan -- and we need you to create a powerful enough defensive plan that the enemies will not only be routed, but chastened." Tohma stood up, and his voice boomed throughout the room. "I wish to show them exactly what it means to betray me."
Sitting down, Tohma hung his head in an expression that begged no interruption. Eiri waited for the inevitable sigh of regret, followed by whatever weighty words Tohma was planning to say. It came like clockwork. Resolutely sighing, Tohma looked Eiri straight in the eyes and said in a subdued voice, "And if possible, I want you to lead my men to victory as well."
Both men knew exactly what was meant by this. Tohma was sending Eiri out into the thick of a battle with a dangerous enemy, an enemy that undoubtedly had some trick up its sleeve to attract so many allies and mount such an attack. Eiri would have no idea what he was up against -- such a battle, against an enemy who had not attacked before, would most likely be a bloodbath. Tohma was sending Eiri to probable death.
Tohma had struggled with this decision. Certainly, Eiri was no use to him dead. Why lose the one thing he'd struggled to obtain all his life? But the rage that possessed him whenever he thought about Shuichi in Eiri's bed insisted it. He would not allow his prize to fall into the hands of that child. Eiri was his, belonged to him, body and soul, living or dead. This way at least the boy would get no more control over him. Eiri's death, like his life, would be completely under Tohma's control.
After all, how much more power can you have over a person's life than the power to take it from him?
The idea had filled Tohma with a chilly sense of relief. He felt frozen inside, already weeping, but grim triumph prevailed in his mind. As though Eiri were already dead. He found himself looking forward to it. And then, what would he do to Shuichi? Corner him and accuse him of being the cause of Eiri's death, telling him "If you hadn't gotten in the way..."? Allow him to believe Eiri was alive until he returned from Nara, and then deliver the news to watch him crumple? All the ideas sounded equally delicious to Tohma. He would have fun breaking this strong-willed child, as he had witnessed Eiri break too, all those years ago.
"Well, then, Eiri-san," Tohma said, looking down on his vassal. "Will you undertake this mission? May I count on your protection once again?" And he awaited the answer.
Eiri was not afraid of death. Since his childhood, since his training by his father and other samurai of the Uesugi clan, he had learned to accept death, moving quickly toward it at each turn. A man who knows he will die is a fierce warrior indeed, and Eiri fought with the resolution of one who knows his fate. Never did the idea of a battle grip him with fear of his own mortality. He was actually amazed at how long he had managed to live, given the number of battles he'd fought. He never dreamed he'd see past twenty years, much less thirty.
So what was this paralyzing chill that gripped his heart at Tohma's proclamation?
Perhaps it was that he'd been here too long. Peaceful life in one place settled one into a misleading feeling of domesticity... as though nothing would change. Still, it had not been the first time he'd been called to war after weeks of peace. Such times were rare, but not unheard of. Eiri had always adapted without a problem.
Eyeing Tohma, Eiri thought that perhaps his uneasiness came from the source. Tohma's motives were always questionable, and it always filled Eiri with a sense of dread to carry out one of his lord's orders. Could he really go through with it again? Could he really march into that blind game again, like a puppet, going about his business and playing his inadvertent role in a story he didn't know?
What was Tohma's plan for him? Why send Eiri away now, when he had been so eager to have him home? Was there something going on Tohma did not want him to see? Did Tohma plan to execute Shuichi while Eiri was not around?
At this, a fresh wave of ice poured into Eiri's veins. There were no words for the horror that filled him at that thought. Just images... of long limbs... tender lips... a mind full of flights of fancy... meaningless words babbled on and on in a boyish tenor... flushed skin in muted torchlight... These things were an essential part of the world. They couldn't be snuffed out. He'd be nowhere without them. How could he let anyone, even Tohma, take that away from him?
"No."
The world stumbled past his lips, feeling foreign and wrong. Eiri didn't even realize he'd said it until he saw Tohma's face change -- from expectant to quizzical, and then to dark. "What?" he whispered. "What did you say?"
Guilt assaulted Eiri. What he had just said was unthinkable. It may have been in another language for all the sense it made. One did not refuse one's master. This was the code that ensured survival. A master provided for the vassal who obeyed him. A refusal could mean the loss of everything one had worked for, and worse, the loss of honor. What could Eiri do if he was shamed as a samurai? Become a highway robber and assault victims on the road? Wander the towns as a ronin and fear the reproach of all who had heard of his disgraceful downfall? Cut himself open and lose the world altogether?
But that was only the beginning. These were the concerns that created the system Eiri was a part of. But that system was his world now -- he was a warrior just as much as he was a lover. Perhaps he had forgotten that in these weeks of giddy infatuation. If he denied Tohma now, he would lose the other foundations that made him who he was. He'd be as much without a world as he would without Shuichi.
And Shuichi had said, "It's that simple. If I'm alive, we can still be together someday, even if I have to go away for now." Eiri felt a faint hope lift his heart. There was still a chance of his survival, and of reunion with Shuichi. Of more days of foolish chatting and nights of fevered kisses. Of happiness. And if Eiri disgraced himself now, he would never be able to allow himself that happiness.
He bowed his head. "Have Tatsuha ready in the morning," he said.
-to be continued-
--
Sorry this chapter was so long in the making. I haven't had a chance to work on Chapter 7... my computer broke down (uwanh! One more thing I have to deal with in the last few weeks before I leave for Japan for a year! Kanben shiTE yo MOU!!!)
You guys will like the next chapter.