Title: Beautiful Girl, You're a Disease

Author: Yugure

Genre: Humor/Parody

Rating: PG-13

Disclaimer: Same disclaimer from last chapter applies here; for emphasis: Lord of the Rings and all relations belong to Tolkien.

Notes: All reviews read and duly noted. :) You guys have some excellent ideas, and it's helped a lot. Thank you.

For future reference, this will mostly be movie-verse, simply because Mary-Sues tend to proliferate there like mold on aged bread, but I will be adding parts into the story that are present in neither the book nor the movie (ah, the joys of fanfiction…) Most of this chapter is dialogue, for reasons I'm not aware of (my subconscious wrote most of it). As for why I used freaky spelling and punctuation when Pippin was speaking, it was my pathetic attempt at capturing Billy Boyd's adorable accent. Please refrain from pointing out that the rest of the cast have accents; I am well aware of this fact.

Four hours.

Four sodding hours of listening to Mareigh Sue and her inane drivel.

"So I told him, 'I'm sorry sir, I'm just not that kind of girl,' and I was really flattered that he was so interested in me, but I of course couldn't get involved-"

What the hell was she blabbing on about now? Sam had lost track of the one-sided conversation soon after it started, and had managed to keep Mareigh Sue none-the-wiser by simply punctuating her speech with "Mm-hmm" and "No, really?" every few minutes. But enough was enough.

"Miss Mareigh Sue-"

"Oh, please, just call me Mareigh Sue. Or just Mareigh, if you wish." Mareigh Sue giggled like a small child. Sam resisted the urge to vomit.

"How is your ankle doing?"

"Oh, it's a terrible pain! I feel faint just thinking about it! But I have a strong will, and even though I am frail and tender, I think I can withstand the pain. Thank you for your concern, it lightens my heart to know that you care so much-"

"Uh, yeah, Miss Mareigh Sue…" Shouldn't she be writhing in agony by now? Or at least subdued into silence? She was awfully active for someone with a supposed serious injury…

"- and I hope that my ankle heals soon! It's terrible to be forced into submission by a broken bone-"

"Broken, Miss Mareigh Sue? I thought it was a sprain…"

"Did I say sprained? I meant broken. I did not want to cause you and your company any grief over my welfare. I knew that my extreme pain would upset you and strike discord with your chivalry because I am only a defenseless, gentle lady. I am a selfless person and therefore I thought it best to suffer in silence."

This line of reasoning made no sense to Sam. He grunted in response and went back to tuning out the loquacious woman as Mareigh Sue continued her litany.

The tempest reached the traveling party only shortly after having found Mareigh Sue. In spite of the voracious winds and pelting rains, Mareigh Sue emerged looking just as beautiful as ever. Her long blonde hair, although thoroughly soaked, glistened in the sunlight that cut through the clouds above and cascaded around her like a cloak. Her face sparkled with raindrops and her eyes remained lively and bright.

Legolas fumed. The weather had finally gotten the better of him: he looked no better than the Hobbits and barely better than the Men. Glancing at Bill, Legolas mentally swore up a storm in Elvish. He couldn't even honestly say he looked better than the damn pony…

"Legolas, you look troubled," Frodo spoke up, trying to match his stride with the elf. Legolas glanced at the Ringbearer, took note of the dripping, mussed hobbit hair, and felt a little bit better.

"It is nothing, Frodo, thank you," Legolas replied.

"It is Mareigh Sue, is it not?" Frodo blurted.

"What makes you say that?"

"You keep looking at her… oh, what's the word…" Frodo snapped his fingers and mumbled under his breath. "Ah, yes! Furtively! You keep looking at her as though you expect her to do something terrible at any moment."

"I do not." Legolas shot a quick, furtive glance back at the bane of his existence. Realizing what he had done, the elf slapped his forehead.

"Surely you do not suspect her to have ulterior motives…?"

"I do not know what to think, Frodo, other than she is too perfect for words." A dangerous glint appeared in Legolas's eyes, and Frodo edged away. "I do not trust her."

"He's just jealous," a voice contributed from behind. The elf and hobbit turned to look at Aragorn, who had fallen back a few paces. Aragorn gave a rare smile. "Afraid that he's no longer the prettiest one here."

"Don't be ridiculous," Legolas replied, nearly grinding the words out between clenched teeth. "Just because I'm troubled about her impeccable cleanliness in this savage wilderness doesn't mean I'm jealous. I can't figure out how she stays so pristine. Even I cannot compete with such-"

Seeing the exchange of glances between Man and Hobbit, Legolas wisely closed his mouth and refrained from speaking further. Looking closely at the elf's face, however, would reveal the small tic that disturbed his smooth skin where his muscles convulsed, clearly an effort to keep his facial features under control.

As the sun set and they could go no further for the night, Aragorn called camp and began building a fire. Food was scrounged up from the forest, fresh water was obtained from a nearby stream, and everyone began to settle down for the night.

Mareigh Sue slid off of Bill with the help of Boromir and Sam. As soon as her foot touched ground, her "injured" foot to be precise, she pitched forward and fell into Boromir's arms. It would have seemed an extraordinarily exaggerated move if it had happened to anyone else but Mareigh Sue.

"Oh, silly me! I forgot all about my poor foot!" she exclaimed, laughing lightly. A few moments passed by.

Boromir was at a loss for words. Mareigh Sue didn't seem to be helping herself up anytime soon. Boromir's only options were to either stand there and look stupid, which he was already doing, or move away, which would undoubtedly end up with Mareigh Sue facedown in the mud. He may not have approved of her joining the Fellowship, but he was still raised to treat ladies better than that.

"Are you all right, Mareigh Sue?" he finally asked, hoping the lady would remove herself.

"Yes, thank you for inquiring," she replied. She lifted her head and gazed into Boromir's eyes. The last rays of the setting sun cast her countenance in a brilliant gold color and bathed her in pink. Her eyes twinkled merrily. "I would trust you to catch me if I fell, for you are strong and quick."

"Not a problem at all, my lady. It is only to be expected that you cannot walk, for your ankle is sprained," Boromir said, not really listening anymore to what Mareigh Sue said. His mind had wandered and was busy contemplating what they were having for supper that evening.

"Broken."

"What?" Boromir turned back to Mareigh Sue, confusion and suspicion plain as day on his face.

"It's broken. My ankle."

"I thought it was sprained."

"No, it most definitely is broken. As I told Master Samwise, I couldn't bear the thought of anyone worrying, so-"

Sam, at this point, audibly groaned. Boromir shot a quick look at the hobbit but Mareigh Sue continued as though she had not heard. Most likely, she probably hadn't.

Five minutes later, his irritation level having been exceeded beyond reason, Boromir walked away from the pony and proceeded to help make the fire by whacking apart logs for use as firewood. Very big logs. With enough vigor to kill a cave troll. In one strike.

"You are a most excellent steed," Mareigh Sue commended, turning to Bill and grasping his ears. She stroked his nose and the sides of his muzzle. "You're just the sweetest thing, yes you are, you're such a good pony…" The one-sided conversation consisted of much cooing and baby talk.

Poor Bill. All he had ever done was carry packages for the hobbits. His only sin was nibbling the hobbit's cloaks when they weren't looking, but that wasn't reason for this torture, was it? Sam noticed the pony's ears flick backwards. Not a good sign.

"Miss Mareigh Sue, I think it would be best if you were to come sit by the fire," Sam implored, taking hold of one of the maiden's arms. The gesture wasn't out of any particular kindness for the girl; rather, it was an attempt to appease Bill.

"Don't be silly, Master Samwise," Mareigh Sue replied, laughing. "Bill loves me. Don't you, Bill? You love me very much, don't you?" The cooing returned with a vengeance. The pony stamped a hoofed foot on the ground and backed up a bit. If he had the ability to reason and think, he would have contemplated pony suicide. As it was, he had to settle for Maim and Dismember.

Bill's teeth snapped at empty as air Mareigh Sue limped away, oblivious to her impending doom, using the shoulder of Frodo as support. While the rest of the fellowship wandered about camp, Sam had to spend time soothing Bill back into placidity.

Meanwhile, at the water's edge, Legolas splashed the cold liquid onto his face and scrubbed away at the dirt clogging his pores. What he wouldn't give for a good exfoliant…

After sloughing away all the mud that he could, Legolas peered at his reflection. In the dim light he couldn't see much, but perhaps that was for the best. He didn't think he could stand to see an image less perfect than Mareigh Sue's.

"What do you care, anyway?" he asked himself quietly as he stood up. Good looks aren't going to help Frodo get the ring to Mordor. Skill and intelligence will. That's all that matters. Right now, deal with saving the world. Later there will be time for beauty.

With new resolution, Legolas returned to camp.

Five minutes later, he rushed back to the stream, looked in it, and sighed.

Yep. Still pretty.

Mareigh Sue Kill-o-Meter

For additional nonsensical fun, I've included the "Mareigh Sue Kill-o-Meter". As the hours drag on and Mareigh Sue shows no signs of leaving, the members of the Fellowship fall prey to the blatant narcissism embodied by their tag-a-long. It should be obvious that Mareigh Sue has managed to severely antagonize Sam, Legolas, and Boromir (not to mention Bill). How much longer until the rest of the Fellowship falls? Only time, and further chapters, will tell.

Current MSKoM Status: 3 down, 6 to go

Review: All reviews greatly appreciated!

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