Legolas's laughter first annouced Gimli's dire distress. The Mines were
nothing but a tomb! Dead dwarves littered the floor, arrows protruding
from distorted faces. Legolas fell onto a dead Orc in gales of laughter,
after all Gimli's bragging, Moria had turned out to be a death pit!
"Cedrrric!" wailed Gimli in recognition of a corpse, "and poorrr Memtarrr! Uncle Ben! And, and, omigosh! the girrrl I've had a crrrush on forrr forrrty yearrs! She doesn't look nearrrly as prrretty now..." the dwarf collapsed into fits of wailing.
"His girl had a beard?" whispered Merry.
"Shut thy mouth, Gimli, or you'll deprive Pippin from alerting the Orcs," snapped Gandalf.
Frodo let loose a little steam, deteriorating Durins entrance..and the foul beast that lurked in the water. "I say dear boy, you're aim gets better all the time," commented Aragorn.
"Thanks."
When Gimli refused to shut up, Aragorn clunked him over the head with a beer bottle. A nice hour of silence followed, but the dwarf chose a strategic time to revive: at the entrance of Balin's tomb.
"NOOOOOO, BALLLIIINNNN!"
Aragorn made use of the beer bottle again.
Gollum then decided to make his appearance, skulking around the dusty mines. "Hey! Look, it's Gollum!" said Frodo, "ten points to the dude who hits him!" Bones, rocks and milk cartons flew towards the mishapen creature, each connecting with their target.
"Frodo!" scolded Gandalf, "don't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Uh...because my heart tells me Gollum will stick around to gnaw off your finger later...."
"What?!"
"Many that deserve fingers don't have them, and many that don't, do have fingers--can you give them fingers Frodo?"
"Well, yeah I've got a good finger for you and Gollum right now," said Frodo, and stuck his middle fingers up in the air.
"Hey, lookit all these dead guys!" commented Pippin.
"Yes," said Gandalf, "now see that one balanced precariously over the edge of that well? Why don't you tweak his hand and send him hurtling down to awaken the Orcs!"
"Golly, Mithrandir! You sure have some good ideas!"
"Not really, I just want to collect my cheque and get out of this movie a little faster."
Gimli stirred. "Balliinnnn!" he whimpered, and began to beat his head against the tomb.
"Easy there, Gim, you're chipping the casket.."
"WAAAAHHHH! BALLLIINNNN!" cried the dwarf and hit the tomb harder.
The distraught dwarf slammed his head against his relatives casket so hard, it shattered to peices, and the crumpled remains of Balin tumbled out before the fellowship.
"Eeeww..." said Legolas, "don't you dare get any dead dwarf flesh on my spandex.."
Gandalf, being the nosey, interfereing bastard he is, poked through the dusty books of the fallen dwarves.
"Ohh! Look, a diary! What juicy secrets does your cousin hide here, I wonder?" "..hmmm...last night was wonderful, my cousin Gimli came to visit, after a good dozen pints of ale we proceeded to the bedroom...GOOD VALA!"
Gimli blushed.
Aragorn shuddered, "that was disturbing."
"Well, the last entry looks interesting;
Oh the noise, those bloody Orcs are just awful as room mates. Every night they have a party with that god-awful music, drums and more drums. The Goblin band down there calls themselves the "Drums in the Deep". Cedric went down to ask them if they could be a little quieter, he hasn't come up yet. I cannot find my migrane pills. I think I'll have a chat with those Orcs now before things get worse..
I guess that explains that," said Gandalf.
A noisy clatter verified that Pippin had indeed sent a body flying down the well. The old armour clanked off the well walls and dragged a water bucket with it. The noisy procession ended with a resounding thud some many feet below.
"Fool of a Took!" squealed Gandalf.
"But it was your idea.." protested the hobbit.
"He's got Alzheimers, Pip," murmered Merry.
"Damn you hobbit!" roared Gandalf, "now that stupid band will start playing again!"
"Maybe they arn't as bad as Balin thought," offered Sam.
"Can we dance to it?" asked Aragorn.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
"Hey, the 'Drums in the Deep'! Nice beat," said Merry.
Soon the fellowship was booty-shaking to the slow, robotic tom of the drum. Their movement increased as the monotone beat sped up to a hip-breaking dance.
BooMBOoMBOOMboomBoomBOoM!
"Agh, I'm too old for this," groaned Gandalf while his back made strange creaking sounds.
"Shouldn't we fight now?" asked Legolas.
"Um, oh yeah," said Aragorn, and stopped the cancun line he'd begun with Gimli and Sam.
A crowd of monstrous Orcs barrelled past the doors, and with them came a cave troll. They stopped a moment for a short jig and then resumed fighting.
"Frodo, I've got an appointment with the Balrog at half past five, and by then you have to suffer a life jarring stab, can you quicken the pace?" called the wizard over the battle cries and drums.
"Sure thing," chirped Frodo. Then he danced over to the cave troll, "lets play, Mr. Troll! I catch you, and you leave us alone, you catch me, and you can puncture my impenetratable coat with you're shish kabob skewer!"
"Duhhhh...?" moaned the troll.
Frodo ran around a pillar, the cave troll following close behind, swinging his prehistoric club.
"All around the Pillar of Rock, the troll chased the hobbit....
The hobbit thought it was all just a joke,
Then, STAB goes the trollllll....." sang Frodo.
The troll sent a stave through Frodo's side, before crashing face first into a wall and knocking himself out. Sam came running to Frodo's aid, "are you alright Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!"
"No you Dumbarse, I was just skewered by a thousand pound cave troll..." murmured the Ringbearer.
The fellowship crowded around the hobbit. Why wasn't he getting up? Did it have something to do with that huge spear protruding out of his back?
Frodo lept to his feet, and the spear clammoured to the dirt. "Nope, I'm fine, I'm fine. Thanks to this handy-dandy little coat of mine. You too can own your own personal mithril jacket for 24.95 from Walmart; buy one, get two free, and fifty cents off Mabelline nailpolish.."
"Do you have the nailpolish here?" squealed Legolas.
"Do these fingers look as if they've even seen soap?" asked Frodo.
The nine travellers continued their escape, where they were soon surrounded by a wide perimeter of Orcs. Frodo gave a sour fart, and the problem vanished.
FFFFFTTTHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPTTTTHHHHHH.
"WHOA," exclaimed Aragorn. "What was that?"
"That was even worse than me," grumbled a jealous Frodo.
"I'm soooo going to need to buy some new cologne.." whined Legolas.
Gandalf lowered his head. Everyone stared at him for a few hours, stalling, when they could have been escaping. Suddenly the wizard spoke. "It's a Balrog, friends," he said rather calmly. "Now, I want you to.....RUNNNN!"
So off they ran, with suprising ease over impossibly thin bridges with a billion foot drops below them. Their speed however, was not sufficient in outrunning the Balrog.
"Stand back!" declared Gandalf, forcefully. "Cower helplessly while I do my big hero act...ohh..WHOOOPS!" Gandalf slipped on the bridge and fell to the depths below.
"Gandalf, you bastard!" yelled the Balrog, and dived after him.
"GANDALLLFFFF!" screamed Frodo, "YOU STILL OWE ME FIFTY CENTS FROM THAT BET WE MADE LAST WEEK!"
"I'LL PAY IT WHEN I RETURN IN ALL GLORY AND SPLENDOR IN THE TWO TOWERS!" came Gandalf's distant reply.
Satisfied with this response, Frodo returned with the fellowship and sauntered leisurly outside.
*Sad music plays*
"Hmmm, perhaps we should be mourning Gandalfs death, otherwise, all those non-Tolkienites will suspect he's still alive?" suggested Aragorn.
Sam passed around some raw onions and everyone had a good bawl, except for Legolas, who claimed tears would only ruin his stage makeup. Even in the wizards 'death' the elf still kept his priorities in check.
"Can we go to Lothlorien now?" whined Frodo, "I want to be guilt tripped some more about this damn ring, and what will happen if I don't destroy it..."
Dum de dum dee dum. I'm thinking I should have written this in script format, I'm too lazy to describe their long journeys to various places...please read and review. TTT! I'm going to see it now....hehe.
"Cedrrric!" wailed Gimli in recognition of a corpse, "and poorrr Memtarrr! Uncle Ben! And, and, omigosh! the girrrl I've had a crrrush on forrr forrrty yearrs! She doesn't look nearrrly as prrretty now..." the dwarf collapsed into fits of wailing.
"His girl had a beard?" whispered Merry.
"Shut thy mouth, Gimli, or you'll deprive Pippin from alerting the Orcs," snapped Gandalf.
Frodo let loose a little steam, deteriorating Durins entrance..and the foul beast that lurked in the water. "I say dear boy, you're aim gets better all the time," commented Aragorn.
"Thanks."
When Gimli refused to shut up, Aragorn clunked him over the head with a beer bottle. A nice hour of silence followed, but the dwarf chose a strategic time to revive: at the entrance of Balin's tomb.
"NOOOOOO, BALLLIIINNNN!"
Aragorn made use of the beer bottle again.
Gollum then decided to make his appearance, skulking around the dusty mines. "Hey! Look, it's Gollum!" said Frodo, "ten points to the dude who hits him!" Bones, rocks and milk cartons flew towards the mishapen creature, each connecting with their target.
"Frodo!" scolded Gandalf, "don't do that!"
"Why not?"
"Uh...because my heart tells me Gollum will stick around to gnaw off your finger later...."
"What?!"
"Many that deserve fingers don't have them, and many that don't, do have fingers--can you give them fingers Frodo?"
"Well, yeah I've got a good finger for you and Gollum right now," said Frodo, and stuck his middle fingers up in the air.
"Hey, lookit all these dead guys!" commented Pippin.
"Yes," said Gandalf, "now see that one balanced precariously over the edge of that well? Why don't you tweak his hand and send him hurtling down to awaken the Orcs!"
"Golly, Mithrandir! You sure have some good ideas!"
"Not really, I just want to collect my cheque and get out of this movie a little faster."
Gimli stirred. "Balliinnnn!" he whimpered, and began to beat his head against the tomb.
"Easy there, Gim, you're chipping the casket.."
"WAAAAHHHH! BALLLIINNNN!" cried the dwarf and hit the tomb harder.
The distraught dwarf slammed his head against his relatives casket so hard, it shattered to peices, and the crumpled remains of Balin tumbled out before the fellowship.
"Eeeww..." said Legolas, "don't you dare get any dead dwarf flesh on my spandex.."
Gandalf, being the nosey, interfereing bastard he is, poked through the dusty books of the fallen dwarves.
"Ohh! Look, a diary! What juicy secrets does your cousin hide here, I wonder?" "..hmmm...last night was wonderful, my cousin Gimli came to visit, after a good dozen pints of ale we proceeded to the bedroom...GOOD VALA!"
Gimli blushed.
Aragorn shuddered, "that was disturbing."
"Well, the last entry looks interesting;
Oh the noise, those bloody Orcs are just awful as room mates. Every night they have a party with that god-awful music, drums and more drums. The Goblin band down there calls themselves the "Drums in the Deep". Cedric went down to ask them if they could be a little quieter, he hasn't come up yet. I cannot find my migrane pills. I think I'll have a chat with those Orcs now before things get worse..
I guess that explains that," said Gandalf.
A noisy clatter verified that Pippin had indeed sent a body flying down the well. The old armour clanked off the well walls and dragged a water bucket with it. The noisy procession ended with a resounding thud some many feet below.
"Fool of a Took!" squealed Gandalf.
"But it was your idea.." protested the hobbit.
"He's got Alzheimers, Pip," murmered Merry.
"Damn you hobbit!" roared Gandalf, "now that stupid band will start playing again!"
"Maybe they arn't as bad as Balin thought," offered Sam.
"Can we dance to it?" asked Aragorn.
Boom. Boom. Boom.
"Hey, the 'Drums in the Deep'! Nice beat," said Merry.
Soon the fellowship was booty-shaking to the slow, robotic tom of the drum. Their movement increased as the monotone beat sped up to a hip-breaking dance.
BooMBOoMBOOMboomBoomBOoM!
"Agh, I'm too old for this," groaned Gandalf while his back made strange creaking sounds.
"Shouldn't we fight now?" asked Legolas.
"Um, oh yeah," said Aragorn, and stopped the cancun line he'd begun with Gimli and Sam.
A crowd of monstrous Orcs barrelled past the doors, and with them came a cave troll. They stopped a moment for a short jig and then resumed fighting.
"Frodo, I've got an appointment with the Balrog at half past five, and by then you have to suffer a life jarring stab, can you quicken the pace?" called the wizard over the battle cries and drums.
"Sure thing," chirped Frodo. Then he danced over to the cave troll, "lets play, Mr. Troll! I catch you, and you leave us alone, you catch me, and you can puncture my impenetratable coat with you're shish kabob skewer!"
"Duhhhh...?" moaned the troll.
Frodo ran around a pillar, the cave troll following close behind, swinging his prehistoric club.
"All around the Pillar of Rock, the troll chased the hobbit....
The hobbit thought it was all just a joke,
Then, STAB goes the trollllll....." sang Frodo.
The troll sent a stave through Frodo's side, before crashing face first into a wall and knocking himself out. Sam came running to Frodo's aid, "are you alright Mr. Frodo! Mr. Frodo!"
"No you Dumbarse, I was just skewered by a thousand pound cave troll..." murmured the Ringbearer.
The fellowship crowded around the hobbit. Why wasn't he getting up? Did it have something to do with that huge spear protruding out of his back?
Frodo lept to his feet, and the spear clammoured to the dirt. "Nope, I'm fine, I'm fine. Thanks to this handy-dandy little coat of mine. You too can own your own personal mithril jacket for 24.95 from Walmart; buy one, get two free, and fifty cents off Mabelline nailpolish.."
"Do you have the nailpolish here?" squealed Legolas.
"Do these fingers look as if they've even seen soap?" asked Frodo.
The nine travellers continued their escape, where they were soon surrounded by a wide perimeter of Orcs. Frodo gave a sour fart, and the problem vanished.
FFFFFTTTHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPTTTTHHHHHH.
"WHOA," exclaimed Aragorn. "What was that?"
"That was even worse than me," grumbled a jealous Frodo.
"I'm soooo going to need to buy some new cologne.." whined Legolas.
Gandalf lowered his head. Everyone stared at him for a few hours, stalling, when they could have been escaping. Suddenly the wizard spoke. "It's a Balrog, friends," he said rather calmly. "Now, I want you to.....RUNNNN!"
So off they ran, with suprising ease over impossibly thin bridges with a billion foot drops below them. Their speed however, was not sufficient in outrunning the Balrog.
"Stand back!" declared Gandalf, forcefully. "Cower helplessly while I do my big hero act...ohh..WHOOOPS!" Gandalf slipped on the bridge and fell to the depths below.
"Gandalf, you bastard!" yelled the Balrog, and dived after him.
"GANDALLLFFFF!" screamed Frodo, "YOU STILL OWE ME FIFTY CENTS FROM THAT BET WE MADE LAST WEEK!"
"I'LL PAY IT WHEN I RETURN IN ALL GLORY AND SPLENDOR IN THE TWO TOWERS!" came Gandalf's distant reply.
Satisfied with this response, Frodo returned with the fellowship and sauntered leisurly outside.
*Sad music plays*
"Hmmm, perhaps we should be mourning Gandalfs death, otherwise, all those non-Tolkienites will suspect he's still alive?" suggested Aragorn.
Sam passed around some raw onions and everyone had a good bawl, except for Legolas, who claimed tears would only ruin his stage makeup. Even in the wizards 'death' the elf still kept his priorities in check.
"Can we go to Lothlorien now?" whined Frodo, "I want to be guilt tripped some more about this damn ring, and what will happen if I don't destroy it..."
Dum de dum dee dum. I'm thinking I should have written this in script format, I'm too lazy to describe their long journeys to various places...please read and review. TTT! I'm going to see it now....hehe.