Chapter 4: Why Janice Is Like That

'Well, I think we've made progress,' said Monica brightly, but if she was honest with herself, she was not so sure. Janice had not taken her exposition of how her voice and mannerisms irritated people any too well, although she had tried to present it in the mildest possible manner, aided by Rachel, who was seated beside Janice to give her moral support. Having her daughter there might have affected Janice, but Phoebe had quickly taken her over and was happily playing with her.

Janice was looking rather downcast. 'I sure hope we have,' she said in a subdued voice. 'I never realised I came on so strong.'

Rachel hugged her sympathetically. 'You'll be fine,' she said. 'You just have to ease off a bit.'

There came a knock at the door. 'I hope that's Emily,' said Rachel, jumping up. Emily had rung earlier to say that there was this manuscript that she had to finish typing, but she would be along as soon as she could.

'Here's a chance to practise,' said Monica to Janice, who nodded rather disspiritedly.

It was indeed Emily. 'Hi, Rachel!' she said, exchanging kisses. 'I hope there are some of your brownies or something left to eat. I'm starving, after all that typing.'

'We have a secret store that we keep hidden from our local cookie monster,' said Rachel. 'So never fear that we'll have nothing to offer you. Coffee?'

'Yes please,' said Emily, advancing into the room. Monica jumped up to kiss her in welcome.

'Emily, I'd like you to meet Janice,' she said.

'How d'you do?' said Emily cheerfully, sticking out a hand. Janice took it and said, 'Pleased to meet you,' in a low voice. They smiled at each other and sat down side by side on the couch. Interested in the new arrival, Maggie came over.

'This is my daughter Maggie,' said Janice. Her voice was virtually toneless.

'Hello, Maggie,' said Emily, darting an enquiring glance at Janice.

Maggie frowned. 'You have a funny voice.'

'That's because I'm British,' said Emily, smiling, as she grabbed the first of a plate of cookies that Monica had quickly assembled from what was on the table, and accepted a large mug of coffee from Rachel. 'The British talk differently from Americans – and there are even lots of different ways of talking in Britain. Would you like to hear some?'

Maggie looked thoughtful. 'Okay.'

'Well, here's how our housekeeper at home talks: The Waltham residence. This is the housekeeper speaking,' she fluted in a very modulated voice.

Maggie giggled.

'And here's how my father talks: Would you care to see the wine cellar that I could not get those damn vulgar Gellers to pay for?' Her voice now was very fruity and pompous.

Not only Maggie but all the others giggled.

'And all Ulstermen talk as if they had a mouthful of potato, more or less,' Emily went on, 'and as for the other Irish, d'ya know what I'm goin' ta tell ya, damn the harm whisky did to annywan, bar bein' taken to excess. Sure, isn't it the water of life?' She somehow managed to convey a lifetime of whisky drinking in a hoarse, confidential tone. 'But a Scotsman from Glasgow, like Billy Connolly, would say' – her voice went rather high pitched and disputatious – 'Depressed? I cannae understand why anyone should go around complaining of being bleeping depressed. Fa' Goad's sake get a bleeping beer or two intae yersel' an' chase 'em wi' a wee dram, an' ye'll no' be bleeping depressed!' She surveyed her collapsing audience calmly, grinning a little.

'What's all that about?' said Maggie, looking mystified.

'Alcohol!' said Emily in a deep 'monster' voice, widening her eyes and showing her teeth in a ferocious grimace. 'The Demon Drink!' she amplified, going even deeper.

Maggie giggled. 'You're silly.' Emily let her face go back to normal and smiled at her.

'Gee, Emily, you're a riot!' cried Janice, completely in her old voice.

Emily looked at her. 'That's better,' she said. 'Now you sound like a human being. I'm not clear what the problem is here. As you can tell, I like distinctive voices. It comes from all those years at home and at Cheltenham, my school, when I heard mostly the same kind of voice. I did enjoy university, where there were people from all over. I don't suppose any of you can do the hillbilly type in The Simpsons, can you? I love that voice, but I can't do it for toffee.'

The others shook their heads, grinning. But Janice now looked determined to air her feelings. 'They say my voice irritates people,' she said in an aggrieved tone, 'and the way I emphasise words and get over-dramatic.' She waved her hands as she spoke.

Emily frowned slightly. 'Well, that's three words you've emphasised in one sentence. Maybe you should consider cutting back on emphasising.'

'And then there's my laugh!' Janice ploughed on. 'And even what I say when I'm surprised. I mean, give me a break, you guys!'

'What do you say when you're surprised?' asked Emily interestedly.

'Wait, she has to do it naturally,' said Phoebe. 'Someone think of something to surprise Janice.'

Naturally no one could think of anything.

'I know what,' said Monica. 'Janice, tell Emily the story of how you met Joey in the supermarket. She hasn't heard it anyway, nor has Phoebe in full.'

'Oh yeah!' cried Janice. 'That was just so funny, Emily! See, here he comes, wandering around the supermarket like he just happens to be there when I am, but easing up close to me …' She proceeded to tell the story, quickly having not only Emily, but Phoebe, and even Monica and Rachel, who had heard it before, in fits of laughter as she drew a vivid word picture of Joey's attempts to conceal his embarrassment and suggest he had feelings for her. Even Maggie was giggling at times as she watched her mother intently. When Janice was well into it and had lost any trace of self-consciousness, she was saying, '… and then he asks me for a date, and I'm like, "Oh – my – God!", though I didn't actually say that …', and then she stopped, for Emily had gone from laughing into a coughing fit, as if she had inhaled a crumb. Janice gave her a good bang on the back, with a 'There you go!' and Emily gave a squawk, took a large mouthful of coffee, swilled it around and swallowed it, and leaned back gasping. She looked round at them all.

'Look,' she said a bit hoarsely, 'I've only just met Janice, while you've encountered her quite often, but I can't believe you want to drain all this liveliness out of her.'

'It's not that,' said Monica defensively, 'but, well, she wanted to know what it was about her that Chandler couldn't stand, and other men too. When you're telling a story like that,' she said, turning to Janice, 'it works, even "Oh – my – God!" It's just … you're like that so much of the time.'

'That's Mommy's story-telling voice,' said Maggie suddenly.

Phoebe narrowed her eyes. 'I think I see what it is,' she said. 'You're all the time, like, acting in the story of your life.'

Janice's mouth fell open. She looked stunned. 'Oh – my – God!' she said, but very quietly. 'I never thought of it like that, but … maybe you're right.'

'But you don't talk like that to Maggie all the time, do you?' said Emily.

'No,' said Janice slowly. 'It … it doesn't seem right.'

'So, really, what you need to do,' said Monica, 'is talk to adults more the way that you talk to Maggie, and not dress it up so much all the time.'

Janice nodded. 'Okay, I'll try,' she said quietly. She was looking very thoughtful. 'I guess it's because I'm often nervous with adults round about my own age,' she said. 'Whereas I can handle my parents, and other older people, and also children, okay.'

'Did they make fun of you in school?' said Emily. 'Maybe because of your voice?'

'Uh huh,' said Janice, a rather haunted expression appearing on her face. 'I mean, my voice is naturally rather nasal, you know? There's not much I can do about that, but you try telling kids when you're just a kid yourself and nobody's told you before that you talk funny. Yeah, I got teased a lot, and when that wasn't so much fun they just excluded me, you know.'

Sensing her unhappiness, Rachel was about to go over and give her a hug, when Emily forestalled her. 'There, there,' she said warmly. 'It seems obvious to me. You've been compensating for how you were treated at school. You developed all these traits to draw attention to yourself, so people couldn't ignore you, even if they laughed at you. But there's no need to do that now. The people you meet didn't know you at school; they have no past history with you, and you don't have to put on an act for them.'

Janice whipped out a handkerchief and blew her nose loudly. 'Thanks a bunch, Emily,' she said, smiling at her. 'There's a lot in that, and I will give it plenty of thought. So, let's get back to the story; where was I?'

'Joey was trying to get a date,' said Phoebe, who had been following all this with a very interested look on her face. 'But I guess that's like the end, more or less. Can I say, your aura's looking a lot better, though also confused?'

'Well, I'm feeling all mixed up,' said Janice. 'This has been heavy stuff. But I think I can handle it. Now, should I still act the old Janice when I'm with Joey?'

They looked at each other.

'We haven't had a real view of the new Janice yet,' Monica pointed out.

Janice gave a slightly rueful smile. 'To be honest, I don't know quite what the new me will be like,' she said. 'Okay, shall I just go with my instincts, which, of course, include making Joey suffer a little, just for coming up with this scheme? I mean, the way I heard it from you, it was his idea to put money on it.'

'Yeah, go with your instincts,' Phoebe urged. 'I hope he brings you to Central Perk soon. I want to see him pretending he's in love with you.'

'I'm hoping for it,' said Janice, grinning. 'You know, he told me the big news, that Monica and Rachel had got married, so I'm officially allowed to know that now. But he was very evasive on how it had all happened.'

'Yeah, I'll bet!' said Phoebe rather indignantly. 'The outcome has been marvellous, but it's hard to forget how badly those two behaved.'

'Sssh!' said Monica, glancing at Maggie, who had been looking bored and even impatient, as if she wanted to go home, but now showed interest.

Janice got up. 'Yeah, come on, sweetheart, let's get you home,' she said to Maggie lovingly. 'We're out of our usual schedule, but I guess it doesn't matter just once in a while.'

'Yes, it does, mommy,' said Maggie sternly.

'Oh gee, I guess that means an extra story,' said Janice, smiling down at her.

'No, just my favourite that you won't read more than once a week, and you already read it this week,' said Maggie determinedly.

Janice groaned. "The Tale of Mrs. Tiggy-Winkle",' she said in a sepulchral tone. 'If I had a dollar for every time I've read that …' She rolled her eyes. 'But it's worth it in the interests of domestic harmony.'

[Author's Note: authentic piece of Exintaris's past life here, folks!]

The others laughed.

'You watch out,' Janice said, wagging a finger. 'Some day, all this will happen to you, if you're lucky.'

She and Maggie said their goodbyes, Maggie saying that she wanted to see the big lady again, which made Phoebe look very pleased, and then left.

'Did you notice?' said Emily when they'd gone. 'She didn't overemphasise a single word in those last things she said, even though there were natural openings for her to do so.'

The other three nodded. 'You're smart, Emily,' said Rachel admiringly. 'I couldn't have analysed Janice's behaviour like that. Have another cookie.'

'My reward,' said Emily, eagerly grabbing one. 'Well, I can hardly wait to see what Janice will be like when we are allowed to officially meet her.'