Here we go with yet another installment of my insanity. Frodo has better
control of his bowels in this chapter, but expect alot of sexual
immorality, and slash (my personal fave). I added alot more description
here too, I guess that happens when you get an Edgar Allan Poe book for
Xmas..
Lothlorien was by all accounts, even a reluctant Gimli's, beautiful. There were few other words to describe the angelic awe the hidden realm cast over each and every member of the fellowship. Moments of silent worship played over the lips of the travellers, before a rude interuption from the paradise's own citizens broke the mood.
"YO! WASSSSUUUP!?" came the voice of a (probably) stoned elf. Sure enough, a blonde elf, weilding a pipe and bow planted himself before the visitors. "Like, whoa, dudes," he exclaimed, "welcome to Gay Haven! Also known as Lothlorien, and Home of the Slut, Galadriel! Anyone wanna get laid?" the strange elf then moved seductively over to Legolas, and winked.
Being the height of a human crotch, Frodo couldn't help but see the Prince of Mirkwood, harden at the bold elf's advances. His bowels gave an unseemly lurch.
Aragorn stepped forward, and extracted the smoking pipe from the elf's mouth. "Haldir, there is no time. A legion of Orcs pursue us as we speak."
"Well, like dude, they can bring it! I've never laid an Orc before," Haldir giggled, "I won't mind trying, though!"
"I'd rather lay Arwen," grumbled a lovesick Aragorn. "Oh, I shant forget the night we shed our innocence along with our garments on the flower bed, and--"
"--And that will be quite enough, Son of Arathorn, to make us all sick for a week," snorted Legolas, who abolished the thought of heterosexual relationships.
Haldir was either about to flirt with Legolas or continue his sexual banter, but passed out instead. A more sobre looking elf replaced his lead, and directed the travelling companions to their resting place for the night. Their "resting place" as it was so called, was not even the equivalent to a cheap shit motel. They were all shown to a bare rocky patch of moss and then cynically wished a "good night". Gimli, however, found better quarters that night. None had any doubt to the orgin of his disappearance, as the next morning he babbled excessively, praising 'the lady of the wood' and her divine skills. Vala forbid we elaborate too much on that nasty little number.
But not losing ourselves, we take time back to the night, shortly after Frodo was awakened to the sound of both elf and dwarf sexual pleasure. Galadriel had sauntered outside for a smoke, and stumbled upon the awoken hobbit.
"Why Frodo, I've been so busy sharing myself, I forgot all about making you feel like shit for not fixing this whole ring mess," she crooned in an alarmingly low, masculine voice.
"That's okay," said Frodo, "everyone else has been doing a pretty good job about it, for you." He paused, "Oh, and by the by, could I interest you in an evil ring, forged by an evil Lord which will ultimatly bring the downfall of Middle Earth?"
Galadriel wrinkled her nose in thought. "Hmmm, we-ellll, normally you could, but I've discovered recently that dwarves make far better play-toys than rings. You might try pawning it down in Bree, though."
"The thought occured to me, it would fetch a nice few pints."
"Yes, Indeed," Galadriel turned to look in her small cabin. "Darn, that dwarf fell asleep," she cursed. "Frodo, want to do something fun?"
"I'm sorry, Lady, but I promised my winky to Samwise tonight."
"Oh, I understand then. I'll just wake that hairy bastard Gimli up, then."
"Alright, goodnight, lady."
The Fellowship continued their journey the following morning. Gimli had a broad smile plastered over his face and Legolas had an extremely sore ass-- as his spandex had been penetrated by every male immortal that night. A sombre procession of boats containing the travellers poured out of Lothlorien towards the unseen fate; Mordor.
After a long orchestral swell and heart-tugging musical score, the Fellowship docked their boats for a quick lunch of Kraft Cheese and Crackers. (The elves ran out of Lembas Bread..)
Poor Gollum, who had been following them closely on a log, had fallen asleep. A looming waterfall pulled the pitiful creature, wailing over it's waves, to join a thrashing whirlpool at the bottom. "AGGGH! ME PRECIOUS! DAMN TRICKSY FISH-WATER! WE HATES IT FORREEEVVERRRR--AAAHHH!"
"Aragorn," inquired Pippin, "since you killed off Boromir earlier, how are we going to fill up our screen time in a fun and heart-wrenching way?"
"Now, don't you worry your greasy unwashed head about that, little one. The Uruk's have agreed to put in a little overtime."
"Great, but....how?"
Aragorn raised his eyes and listened. Everyone else followed suit. Soon, loud and clear, the Baywatch theme song came lolling into their ears. The Uruk-Hai's had come! Running with incredibly muscular and sweaty chests, the massive beasts ran, bimbo style to 'crash the surf'. Their dirty hair billowed and bounced along their tanned backs, all in time to the music.
"Not bad," commented Merry, "but I liked it when the women ran, more."
"You can't have everything," sighed the ranger, and took a long draw from his pipe.
The muscular Orcs continued to frolic in the waves, until a loud buzzer (like those that signalled pool time is over in the public swimming pools) sounded.
"Oh!" exclaimed Legolas, "time for the big, sweaty fighting scene! Just one second while I fix my hair.."
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli then proceeded to lop off a multitude of heads with seemingly little effort, while the hobbits wailed, scattered and hid like imbeciles.
"Quick, Frodo!" whispered Merry, "come hide with us under this big obvious log!"
"I can't!" whispered Frodo.
"We brought dildos!" tempted Pippin.
"Damn it, I can't! I've gotta run off like a coward and leave you two to get captured!"
"Oh, then...um...shall we provide a decoy?"
"Please," said Frodo.
"Okay, then, um...HEY ORCS! YEAH YOU! NOT YOU, THAT BIG SWEATY PEICE OF MAN-MEAT NEXT TO YOU, YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU! COME AND GET IT BIG MAN, YOU KNOW YOU WAAANNNNT ITTTT..." said Merry in his best tantalizing voice.
Frodo ran. He fled half out of utter disturbment and partially for fear. He couldn't wait to drop the blasted ring into Sauron's crack, 'the Cracks of Doom' as they were called. Then that stupid dark lord could bum the ring all he wanted, and Frodo could do the same to Sam. Why did life have to be so complicated?
The ring-bearer had already gotten halfway across the river, when Samwise came running out towards him. "Wait for me, sir! Mr. Frodo! Don't leave without your Sam, your sextoy!" Sam made move to go towards his beloved, and had gotten about half a metre into the cold spring water, when he began to sink abruptly and pointlessly.
"What the heck?" declared Frodo, wondering if perhaps, Sam's immense bulk had caused him to collapse miles into the earth. "I'm coming Samwise!" Frodo thrust a small hand into the water, and, with the help of movie magic and convenient coincidence, caught Sam's hand. Sam pressed out of the water and into the boat.
"Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee," whimpered Sam, in recollection of Gandalfs early words to him, "and I don't mean to, I don't mean to, I mean, I don't intend to unless a hotter homosexual hobbit comes along.."
"Oh Sam," exclaimed Frodo in his typical overdramatized way, and drew him into a passionate kiss. "Come along then, lets haul ass to Mordor, and shove this damn ring up Sauron's crack!"
"Sounds good to me, sir," sniffed Sam. And so they left, leaving their hobbit friends to captivity and the other three members of the broken Fellowship to forge for themselves.
And that constituted the 'happily ever after' ending for Part I: The Fellowship of the Ring. Thankfully, I was one of the sick fans, obsessed enough to brave the crowds and see The Two Towers on the first day it came out, so you can expect a sequel (inserts yays or groans here) VERY soon! I would like to thank those of you with my equally sick humour for their kind reviews, and yes, in answer to one reveiwers questions, I WILL be continuing this sick parody and Legolas, as you may have now established, is most certainly gay in this series. Once again, thanks all for reading, please reveiw (and flame if you want
Lothlorien was by all accounts, even a reluctant Gimli's, beautiful. There were few other words to describe the angelic awe the hidden realm cast over each and every member of the fellowship. Moments of silent worship played over the lips of the travellers, before a rude interuption from the paradise's own citizens broke the mood.
"YO! WASSSSUUUP!?" came the voice of a (probably) stoned elf. Sure enough, a blonde elf, weilding a pipe and bow planted himself before the visitors. "Like, whoa, dudes," he exclaimed, "welcome to Gay Haven! Also known as Lothlorien, and Home of the Slut, Galadriel! Anyone wanna get laid?" the strange elf then moved seductively over to Legolas, and winked.
Being the height of a human crotch, Frodo couldn't help but see the Prince of Mirkwood, harden at the bold elf's advances. His bowels gave an unseemly lurch.
Aragorn stepped forward, and extracted the smoking pipe from the elf's mouth. "Haldir, there is no time. A legion of Orcs pursue us as we speak."
"Well, like dude, they can bring it! I've never laid an Orc before," Haldir giggled, "I won't mind trying, though!"
"I'd rather lay Arwen," grumbled a lovesick Aragorn. "Oh, I shant forget the night we shed our innocence along with our garments on the flower bed, and--"
"--And that will be quite enough, Son of Arathorn, to make us all sick for a week," snorted Legolas, who abolished the thought of heterosexual relationships.
Haldir was either about to flirt with Legolas or continue his sexual banter, but passed out instead. A more sobre looking elf replaced his lead, and directed the travelling companions to their resting place for the night. Their "resting place" as it was so called, was not even the equivalent to a cheap shit motel. They were all shown to a bare rocky patch of moss and then cynically wished a "good night". Gimli, however, found better quarters that night. None had any doubt to the orgin of his disappearance, as the next morning he babbled excessively, praising 'the lady of the wood' and her divine skills. Vala forbid we elaborate too much on that nasty little number.
But not losing ourselves, we take time back to the night, shortly after Frodo was awakened to the sound of both elf and dwarf sexual pleasure. Galadriel had sauntered outside for a smoke, and stumbled upon the awoken hobbit.
"Why Frodo, I've been so busy sharing myself, I forgot all about making you feel like shit for not fixing this whole ring mess," she crooned in an alarmingly low, masculine voice.
"That's okay," said Frodo, "everyone else has been doing a pretty good job about it, for you." He paused, "Oh, and by the by, could I interest you in an evil ring, forged by an evil Lord which will ultimatly bring the downfall of Middle Earth?"
Galadriel wrinkled her nose in thought. "Hmmm, we-ellll, normally you could, but I've discovered recently that dwarves make far better play-toys than rings. You might try pawning it down in Bree, though."
"The thought occured to me, it would fetch a nice few pints."
"Yes, Indeed," Galadriel turned to look in her small cabin. "Darn, that dwarf fell asleep," she cursed. "Frodo, want to do something fun?"
"I'm sorry, Lady, but I promised my winky to Samwise tonight."
"Oh, I understand then. I'll just wake that hairy bastard Gimli up, then."
"Alright, goodnight, lady."
The Fellowship continued their journey the following morning. Gimli had a broad smile plastered over his face and Legolas had an extremely sore ass-- as his spandex had been penetrated by every male immortal that night. A sombre procession of boats containing the travellers poured out of Lothlorien towards the unseen fate; Mordor.
After a long orchestral swell and heart-tugging musical score, the Fellowship docked their boats for a quick lunch of Kraft Cheese and Crackers. (The elves ran out of Lembas Bread..)
Poor Gollum, who had been following them closely on a log, had fallen asleep. A looming waterfall pulled the pitiful creature, wailing over it's waves, to join a thrashing whirlpool at the bottom. "AGGGH! ME PRECIOUS! DAMN TRICKSY FISH-WATER! WE HATES IT FORREEEVVERRRR--AAAHHH!"
"Aragorn," inquired Pippin, "since you killed off Boromir earlier, how are we going to fill up our screen time in a fun and heart-wrenching way?"
"Now, don't you worry your greasy unwashed head about that, little one. The Uruk's have agreed to put in a little overtime."
"Great, but....how?"
Aragorn raised his eyes and listened. Everyone else followed suit. Soon, loud and clear, the Baywatch theme song came lolling into their ears. The Uruk-Hai's had come! Running with incredibly muscular and sweaty chests, the massive beasts ran, bimbo style to 'crash the surf'. Their dirty hair billowed and bounced along their tanned backs, all in time to the music.
"Not bad," commented Merry, "but I liked it when the women ran, more."
"You can't have everything," sighed the ranger, and took a long draw from his pipe.
The muscular Orcs continued to frolic in the waves, until a loud buzzer (like those that signalled pool time is over in the public swimming pools) sounded.
"Oh!" exclaimed Legolas, "time for the big, sweaty fighting scene! Just one second while I fix my hair.."
Aragorn, Legolas and Gimli then proceeded to lop off a multitude of heads with seemingly little effort, while the hobbits wailed, scattered and hid like imbeciles.
"Quick, Frodo!" whispered Merry, "come hide with us under this big obvious log!"
"I can't!" whispered Frodo.
"We brought dildos!" tempted Pippin.
"Damn it, I can't! I've gotta run off like a coward and leave you two to get captured!"
"Oh, then...um...shall we provide a decoy?"
"Please," said Frodo.
"Okay, then, um...HEY ORCS! YEAH YOU! NOT YOU, THAT BIG SWEATY PEICE OF MAN-MEAT NEXT TO YOU, YEAH, I'M TALKING TO YOU! COME AND GET IT BIG MAN, YOU KNOW YOU WAAANNNNT ITTTT..." said Merry in his best tantalizing voice.
Frodo ran. He fled half out of utter disturbment and partially for fear. He couldn't wait to drop the blasted ring into Sauron's crack, 'the Cracks of Doom' as they were called. Then that stupid dark lord could bum the ring all he wanted, and Frodo could do the same to Sam. Why did life have to be so complicated?
The ring-bearer had already gotten halfway across the river, when Samwise came running out towards him. "Wait for me, sir! Mr. Frodo! Don't leave without your Sam, your sextoy!" Sam made move to go towards his beloved, and had gotten about half a metre into the cold spring water, when he began to sink abruptly and pointlessly.
"What the heck?" declared Frodo, wondering if perhaps, Sam's immense bulk had caused him to collapse miles into the earth. "I'm coming Samwise!" Frodo thrust a small hand into the water, and, with the help of movie magic and convenient coincidence, caught Sam's hand. Sam pressed out of the water and into the boat.
"Don't you leave him Samwise Gamgee," whimpered Sam, in recollection of Gandalfs early words to him, "and I don't mean to, I don't mean to, I mean, I don't intend to unless a hotter homosexual hobbit comes along.."
"Oh Sam," exclaimed Frodo in his typical overdramatized way, and drew him into a passionate kiss. "Come along then, lets haul ass to Mordor, and shove this damn ring up Sauron's crack!"
"Sounds good to me, sir," sniffed Sam. And so they left, leaving their hobbit friends to captivity and the other three members of the broken Fellowship to forge for themselves.
And that constituted the 'happily ever after' ending for Part I: The Fellowship of the Ring. Thankfully, I was one of the sick fans, obsessed enough to brave the crowds and see The Two Towers on the first day it came out, so you can expect a sequel (inserts yays or groans here) VERY soon! I would like to thank those of you with my equally sick humour for their kind reviews, and yes, in answer to one reveiwers questions, I WILL be continuing this sick parody and Legolas, as you may have now established, is most certainly gay in this series. Once again, thanks all for reading, please reveiw (and flame if you want