Brief Flashback: We watch Gandalf fall with a flailing Balrog to what we
assume is his demise. Merry and Pippin are captured by Baywatch-wannabe
Uruk-hai. Boromir is dead. The remaining members of the Fellowship;
Aragorn, the rugged lover, Legolas, the gay elf, and Gimli, the short dwarf
with a passion for the Lady of the Wood, pursue the Uruks in hopes of
retrieving the captive hobbits.
Since I didn't add alot of the stuff from the first movie (I was sure you'd all be sick of FOTR parodies) just keep in mind that Saruman actually does exist, as does Elrond, (Arwens protective sugar-daddy). Once, I haul off my lazy ass, I will insert other comical excerpts pertaining to the first movie in earlier chapters. Okay, now all that crap said and done.....ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!!
------------------------------
"BACK FLAME OF HOUDIN!" yelled Gandalf for the umpteenth time, as the two hurled through the vast darkness of an unending pit.
"Huh, wha'd you say?" yawned the Balrog.
"I don't know, just adding in random quotes so as not to deviate too far from Tolkien's books.." grumbled the Wizard. "How much longer are we gonna be falling for?"
"As soon as Peter Jackson gets off his coffee break," sighed the Balrog, as the two fell another trillion feet into blackness.
"How are your children, lately?" asked Gandalf politely.
"Oh, pretty well. It's just that Dargo--he's going through those difficult teenage years. What a temper on that boy, why he flames at everything!"
"A common trait in young Balrogs," murmured Gandalf, amused by his companions unintended pun.
"Anyhow, we'd better skip the formalities, the camera crew is back!" hissed the Balrog. "I do hope they have a good trampoline waiting for us.....Oh Valar...they don't, Gandalf---is that an icy ledge!!?"
"AGGGHHHH!"
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
THWUMP.
"Unghhh...." groaned the Balrog after the harsh spill. "Stretcher, please."
Gandalf, however, was relativly unharmed, except for the fact in the terror of his fall, every hair on his body had turned white. (A/N: Just don't think it.....just don't think it, that's just wrong..)
Actually, in truth, the old wizard had thought he needed a little extra appeal for the sequel, so he opened a bottle of peroxide. Shhhh, sercret! Oddly enough, Gandalf found himself on a snowy mountain ledge, butt-naked. Thoughts along the line of "why the hell is there snow fifty trillion miles below a Balrogs' lair," and "where the fuck are my clothes?" passed his mind more than once.
"Damn hobbits," murmured Gandalf. "Oh well, at least all that wind resistance made my hair silky straight.."
--------------
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were clinging leisurely to the backs of running Uruk-hai.
"Ahh, this is the life," sighed Pippin, "screw the fellowship! they never gave us piggy-back rides! At least these guys give us a break."
"How true," commented Merry, and popped a grape into his mouth. "But we're in for a long break throughout this film anyhow, I don't think we use our legs for more than five minutes in the movie!"
"Good! These damn hobbit feet are hard to work with," muttered Pippin.
The Uruks found what they deemed a good place to rest, a bare feild on the borders of an intimidating forest. Then, proceeding to make their whereabouts entirely obvious, they set to work deteriorating every tree in a fifty mile range. This little act of intelligence was noted by a passing troop of Rohirrim, which then set about to create a suprise attack on the brain-dead band. Saruman really forgot the brain cell formula with this bunch...
The hobbits 'break' as they had seen it, soon took a nasty turn.
"I feel frisky," announced one rather large Uruk-hai. "I think I should very much like to sink my meat into hobbit flesh."
"Nooo, an Orc is more fit for that sort of activity," interjected a puny looking beast. "Let me have the honours."
"Will you all just keep your vienna sausages in their cans!" roared a particuarly moody beserker. (Beserkers are the head Uruks) "Saruman wants them brought to him, UNSPOILED. I can only assume he wishes to extract his own personal pleasure from them beforehand."
The captive hobbits blanched.
"Just once, through the ass," whined one Orc called Grishnahk, "old Sarry will never notice!"
"I should think he WILL notice, with your filthy knocker up his playtoys! Get the hell away from the halflings!"
"But we are hungry for man sex..." whined a group of Orcs.
That apparently, was a mistake on the Orcs behalf, as the last thread of patience in the Uruk captain broke. "Then, damn it, we are hungry for Orc-flesh, you pathetic whiners! URUKS ATTACK!" and thus, the head beserker had given his permission for an orc feast. Screams of battle and terror lit the multitude, (once again making it entirly obvious to their location) as the Uruks sunk tooth into Orc meat.
And out came Eomer and his crew of rugged fighters! By now half their job was done, as it rested in the stomachs of the unsightly Uruks. Orc and Uruk heads flew in an aerial ballet, until the 'Orc feast' was quite forgotten. It was a chance of escape for the hobbits!
Merry and Pippin breached their pathetic bonds and scrambled towards the eerie forest known as Fangorn. But they were not alone. Grishnahk, the horny Orc, pursued. It was a harrowing chase, through a forest of mighty trees the size of sky-scrapers. The small hobbits pushed their limbs to a limit, finally climbing a tree to safety. It would be, that in such a vast forest, that the hobbits would pick such a strategic tree. That 'tree' of course, was an Ent, and yet more than that. This particular Ent was the very founder of Fangorn himself, likewise named, but commonly dubbed 'Treebeard', Lord of the Ents, you might say.
Pippin held a lower branch of the 'tree' for dear life, as Grishnahk tried to pull him down.
"ARROOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!" declared the Ent, now awoken from his silent slumber. Pippin, being the idiot he always was, had grabbed a rather sensitive part of the Ent.
"HOOOOM! GERROFFF ME COCK YOU LITTLE ORC!" hollared the ancient tree.
STOMP. So much for Grishnahk and his sexual frustration.
"Oh, dear Vala, I am so sorry Mr. Walking Tree, I did not mean to yank your noodle! Please forgive me!" pleaded Pippin.
Treebeard hoisted the two hobbits onto his shoulders. "Hooom huooom, 'tis all right, little ones. That stiff peice of wood had needed a hand job anyways. Normally, I would have squat the shit of of you, but I think I'll check with the White Wizard first."
"White Wizard!" wailed the hobbits, fearing it was the molestious Saruman.
"Well, if it isn't the two blundering idiots!" came a nearby greeting. Of course, this was unmistakably, and miraculously, especially for the hobbits; Gandalf.
Since I didn't add alot of the stuff from the first movie (I was sure you'd all be sick of FOTR parodies) just keep in mind that Saruman actually does exist, as does Elrond, (Arwens protective sugar-daddy). Once, I haul off my lazy ass, I will insert other comical excerpts pertaining to the first movie in earlier chapters. Okay, now all that crap said and done.....ON WITH THE SHOW!!!!!!
------------------------------
"BACK FLAME OF HOUDIN!" yelled Gandalf for the umpteenth time, as the two hurled through the vast darkness of an unending pit.
"Huh, wha'd you say?" yawned the Balrog.
"I don't know, just adding in random quotes so as not to deviate too far from Tolkien's books.." grumbled the Wizard. "How much longer are we gonna be falling for?"
"As soon as Peter Jackson gets off his coffee break," sighed the Balrog, as the two fell another trillion feet into blackness.
"How are your children, lately?" asked Gandalf politely.
"Oh, pretty well. It's just that Dargo--he's going through those difficult teenage years. What a temper on that boy, why he flames at everything!"
"A common trait in young Balrogs," murmured Gandalf, amused by his companions unintended pun.
"Anyhow, we'd better skip the formalities, the camera crew is back!" hissed the Balrog. "I do hope they have a good trampoline waiting for us.....Oh Valar...they don't, Gandalf---is that an icy ledge!!?"
"AGGGHHHH!"
"AIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!"
THWUMP.
"Unghhh...." groaned the Balrog after the harsh spill. "Stretcher, please."
Gandalf, however, was relativly unharmed, except for the fact in the terror of his fall, every hair on his body had turned white. (A/N: Just don't think it.....just don't think it, that's just wrong..)
Actually, in truth, the old wizard had thought he needed a little extra appeal for the sequel, so he opened a bottle of peroxide. Shhhh, sercret! Oddly enough, Gandalf found himself on a snowy mountain ledge, butt-naked. Thoughts along the line of "why the hell is there snow fifty trillion miles below a Balrogs' lair," and "where the fuck are my clothes?" passed his mind more than once.
"Damn hobbits," murmured Gandalf. "Oh well, at least all that wind resistance made my hair silky straight.."
--------------
Meanwhile, Merry and Pippin were clinging leisurely to the backs of running Uruk-hai.
"Ahh, this is the life," sighed Pippin, "screw the fellowship! they never gave us piggy-back rides! At least these guys give us a break."
"How true," commented Merry, and popped a grape into his mouth. "But we're in for a long break throughout this film anyhow, I don't think we use our legs for more than five minutes in the movie!"
"Good! These damn hobbit feet are hard to work with," muttered Pippin.
The Uruks found what they deemed a good place to rest, a bare feild on the borders of an intimidating forest. Then, proceeding to make their whereabouts entirely obvious, they set to work deteriorating every tree in a fifty mile range. This little act of intelligence was noted by a passing troop of Rohirrim, which then set about to create a suprise attack on the brain-dead band. Saruman really forgot the brain cell formula with this bunch...
The hobbits 'break' as they had seen it, soon took a nasty turn.
"I feel frisky," announced one rather large Uruk-hai. "I think I should very much like to sink my meat into hobbit flesh."
"Nooo, an Orc is more fit for that sort of activity," interjected a puny looking beast. "Let me have the honours."
"Will you all just keep your vienna sausages in their cans!" roared a particuarly moody beserker. (Beserkers are the head Uruks) "Saruman wants them brought to him, UNSPOILED. I can only assume he wishes to extract his own personal pleasure from them beforehand."
The captive hobbits blanched.
"Just once, through the ass," whined one Orc called Grishnahk, "old Sarry will never notice!"
"I should think he WILL notice, with your filthy knocker up his playtoys! Get the hell away from the halflings!"
"But we are hungry for man sex..." whined a group of Orcs.
That apparently, was a mistake on the Orcs behalf, as the last thread of patience in the Uruk captain broke. "Then, damn it, we are hungry for Orc-flesh, you pathetic whiners! URUKS ATTACK!" and thus, the head beserker had given his permission for an orc feast. Screams of battle and terror lit the multitude, (once again making it entirly obvious to their location) as the Uruks sunk tooth into Orc meat.
And out came Eomer and his crew of rugged fighters! By now half their job was done, as it rested in the stomachs of the unsightly Uruks. Orc and Uruk heads flew in an aerial ballet, until the 'Orc feast' was quite forgotten. It was a chance of escape for the hobbits!
Merry and Pippin breached their pathetic bonds and scrambled towards the eerie forest known as Fangorn. But they were not alone. Grishnahk, the horny Orc, pursued. It was a harrowing chase, through a forest of mighty trees the size of sky-scrapers. The small hobbits pushed their limbs to a limit, finally climbing a tree to safety. It would be, that in such a vast forest, that the hobbits would pick such a strategic tree. That 'tree' of course, was an Ent, and yet more than that. This particular Ent was the very founder of Fangorn himself, likewise named, but commonly dubbed 'Treebeard', Lord of the Ents, you might say.
Pippin held a lower branch of the 'tree' for dear life, as Grishnahk tried to pull him down.
"ARROOOOOOOOOHHHH!!!!!" declared the Ent, now awoken from his silent slumber. Pippin, being the idiot he always was, had grabbed a rather sensitive part of the Ent.
"HOOOOM! GERROFFF ME COCK YOU LITTLE ORC!" hollared the ancient tree.
STOMP. So much for Grishnahk and his sexual frustration.
"Oh, dear Vala, I am so sorry Mr. Walking Tree, I did not mean to yank your noodle! Please forgive me!" pleaded Pippin.
Treebeard hoisted the two hobbits onto his shoulders. "Hooom huooom, 'tis all right, little ones. That stiff peice of wood had needed a hand job anyways. Normally, I would have squat the shit of of you, but I think I'll check with the White Wizard first."
"White Wizard!" wailed the hobbits, fearing it was the molestious Saruman.
"Well, if it isn't the two blundering idiots!" came a nearby greeting. Of course, this was unmistakably, and miraculously, especially for the hobbits; Gandalf.