Chapter 7: If Of Herself She Will Not Love, Nothing Can Make Her

Author's Note: Chapter title is a quote from Sir John Suckling's poem, Why so pale and wan, fond lover?, which should perhaps be read by all romantics :).

Well, no one has urged me to carry this one on, and very few readers seem interested – but many thanks to those who have bothered to read and review – and I don't think I'm going to be able to improve on this significantly, so here it is.

For anyone who's interested, Emily's "Irishisms" are derived from the writings of Myles na Gopaleen (Flann O'Brien), who wrote a very funny column in the Irish Times many years ago – a good selection was anthologised in Picador, which may be still in print.

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There was a general intake of breath. For a moment Janice did not reply, just looked at Joey with a serious, even slightly sad expression. Then she sighed.

'You're good, Joey,' she said. 'Very, very good. You really seem to mean it, and I'd like to trust you … but how do I know this isn't all part of the bet?'

'The bet?' he repeated, stunned.

'Yes, the bet,' she said in a sharper tone. 'You know, the bet you and Chandler made about me?'

'You, you know about that?' he stammered.

'Yes, thanks to my good friend Monica,' she said, patting Monica on the knee. 'She had tipped me off before you asked them to keep it quiet, and I had my own reasons for not letting on. More recently we got the idea you'd dropped it, but now it's not clear. So what's the truth, Joey? Have you dropped the bet?' She was looking at him very intently.

Faced with it like this, Joey could only blush and mumble.

'Well?' she said insistently.

'I, er, want to drop it,' he got out, 'but we haven't actually agreed anything. I, um, have to pay a forfeit if I pull out.'

'Well, that could be a lesson to you,' she said severely. 'Anyway, I hope you can understand why I'm not pleased with you.'

Joey hung his head, his mind in a whirl. Then something surfaced. 'You knew, even when we met that day in the supermarket?' he gasped, looking up.

'Yes, Joey, I knew,' she cried in her old voice. 'And I knew all about Chandler already – Monica and Rachel told me, when I went to ask about him, because I hadn't heard for so long. Janice likes to have her little fun.' She did her laugh. Instead of wincing the other women smiled or giggled. Emily even tried to imitate the laugh.

'We ought to put your account of that episode on tape,' said Kathy. 'It makes such a good story.'

Joey's cheeks felt red hot. 'Oh man, this is all Chandler's fault,' he groaned. 'Janice, I swear, I really do have feelings for you.'

'Well, maybe you do,' she said in her quieter, less emphatic manner, looking at him not unkindly. 'But you're going to have to put in a lot more work to get me to forgive you enough to give you a date. You can thank your lucky stars I felt friendly enough to get you those auditions.'

'Yeah,' said Joey, not looking at her. He felt even more of a heel when he realised that Janice had done something like that for him when she knew about the bet.

'What's going on?' came Chandler's voice. 'Is Joey on trial?'

They all turned to look at him with varying expressions, mostly rather serious, Joey rather hangdog. The smile disappeared from Chandler's face.

'Well, well, well, if it isn't Chandler Bing,' said Janice cheerfully. 'No, Joey is not on trial. He has already been convicted, or maybe you could say, he has confessed.'

Chandler's blood congealed at the implications of this. 'Ah, um, I … what has he confessed to?' he asked nervously.

'Something he felt guilty about, clearly,' said Janice. 'And he did say just now it was all your fault. So, is there anything you feel guilty about, Chandler Bing?'

Chandler felt all eyes upon him, and swallowed hard. 'Oh God,' he muttered. 'That frigging bet!'

Janice nodded in satisfaction. 'Yeah, that's right,' she said in an ironical tone. 'That frigging bet. Now, of course, I don't know the full circumstances here, like why you got into making a bet about me, but it wasn't a very nice thing to do, was it? I mean, I don't think any of us girls go around making bets of that kind with each other about our old boyfriends.'

'It all came out of talking about old relationships,' said Chandler defensively. 'But you women talk about them too, right?' He perched on a chair arm next to Kathy. Trying not to look as uneasy as he felt, he went on, 'I've often got the idea, you talk about us in considerable detail.'

'Aha!' said Janice, seeming to pounce. 'So you discussed me in considerable detail, maybe? You told Joey things about me that made him … interested?' Her brows were down and her eyes seemed to flash. 'You know, maybe I could tell Kathy some details about you.'

Chandler froze, but Kathy giggled. 'Oh, I think I know all there is to know about Chandler, if you mean what I think you mean,' she said. 'Thanks all the same, Janice.'

'That's always assuming, he's done everything with you that he has with me,' said Janice, flashing a grin at her but with one eye on Chandler, who was now sweating profusely. 'I mean, has he ever … telephoned you?'

Chandler's heart leaped into his mouth.

Kathy laughed and shook her head. 'I don't think I'd find telephone sex very exciting.'

'It can be very … revealing,' said Janice. 'About what a person really wants, and all that.' Her gaze returned to Chandler, who was by now in an agony of apprehension that she was about to reveal his phone call to her. For a moment she did not speak, simply looked at him with a serious expression; then she smiled.

'Geez, look at him,' she said merrily. 'You'd think I was going to let out some great enormous secret!' She leaned forward and patted him on the cheek. 'Relax, Chandler Bing! Okay, I've made you sweat, but I think that's sufficient punishment for telling tales to Joey. Let it be a lesson to you.'

'Oh, it is,' he said faintly, 'it is.'

'Now I want to hear no more of the bet, and you don't make Joey pay a forfeit either, okay?' she said in a schoolmarmish way.

'Yeah,' Chandler croaked, still unable to believe that she was going to keep quiet about his phone call.

'But I want you both to understand, I'm not gonna bear a grudge,' she went on. 'I now consider the incident closed. I don't want you scared of me, especially not you, Joey.'

'You mean … I might still have a chance?' said Joey, who had been watching open-mouthed as Janice got right under Chandler's skin.

'Well, you might, but I wouldn't bet on it,' said Janice drily. After a moment's stunned pause, Monica burst out laughing, and the others joined in, including Joey, Chandler and Janice herself. They laughed enough to dissipate the tension that had built up.

'Oh, Janice, you are a card,' said Emily, wiping her eyes.

'Well, how about you, with your imitations?' said Janice. 'Say, can you do me as I used to be?'

Emily grinned and rolled up her eyes as if seeking for inspiration. 'Gee, it's so hard, getting these accents just right,' she produced in a very nasal tone, which caught the intonation that Janice used but not really the pitch of her voice. 'But it's a whole lot easier than talking to Ross about dinosaurs!'

She was looking up as she said this, and they realised that Ross had joined them. Her sally produced a variety of grins, snickers, and giggles mingled with greetings of 'Hi Ross!'

Ross smiled. 'That's not a very good Janice,' he said. 'I prefer your Billy Connolly, or the Irishman.'

Emily leaned forward and looked Janice in the eye. 'D'ya know what I'm goin' ta tell ya?' she said in a hoarse drink-laden tone, pulling on an imaginary cigarette.

'I do not,' replied Janice in a more educated-sounding version of the same voice.

'They ruined manny a palonteologist, the same dinysaurs,' said Emily, tapping imaginary ash into a saucer.

'And why is that?' said Janice, struggling to keep a straight face as Monica, Phoebe and Kathy began to giggle and Ross made a spluttering noise.

'Faith, isn't it obvious?' said Emily, spreading her hands and raising her eyebrows. 'Here comes your man the palonteologist, blatherin' out of him about Granny Saurus an' Dai O'Nycus an' Perry Nodon an' thim, an', sure, doesn't every man with anny sense run a mile? So your poor man gets all sad an' depressed, an' that makes him start bendin' th' elbow a wee bit too often,' she mimicked lifting a glass and drinking, 'an', sure, isn't that the very road to ruin?'

By now Ross, who had broken down at the distorted versions of famous dinosaur types, was leaning on the couch, bent double with laughter, while the others, including Janice, were lying back helpless in their seats, and several of the nearer customers were also laughing wildly. Emily, her face calm but her eyes twinkling, reached up to take Ross's hand. 'Just pulling your leg, darling. But Deinonychus for breakfast is a bit much.'

Ross grinned a little ruefully. 'That's okay. It was funny. It's just … sometimes I learn something that's so exciting, I have to tell someone, and who better than my wife?'

'You can come and tell me, Ross,' said Janice. 'Was Deinonychus that really nasty one that was in Jurassic Park?'

'No, that was Velociraptor,' said Ross, his eyes brightening. 'But Deinonychus was the same kind of small two-legged carnivore, only rather bigger and nastier. Say, does anyone want some refreshment, after that fine performance?' He winked at Emily, plainly not at all put out. 'Have you been practising?'

Emily grinned back at him. 'Janice and I have been working on it a bit.' She smiled warmly at Janice.

'Well, I don't know about you, Joey, but I need a drink, badly,' said Chandler, rising to his feet. He didn't think he would feel easy in Janice's presence for some time. 'Are you coming, Kathy?'

'Sure,' she said, getting up too. Joey looked between Chandler and Janice, plainly torn.

'Go along, Joey,' said Janice easily. 'But don't be a stranger, now. And the same goes for you, Chandler. I'd rather see you than just … talk on the phone.'

Sweat burst out on Chandler's brow again, but Janice simply smiled at him blandly and said no more. He assumed that she was telling him in code that she was not interested, and he acknowledged to himself that the major emotion that he felt was relief. He had had a glimpse of a much more formidable, together Janice than he had ever encountered before, and it scared him. He took Kathy's hand with a renewed sense of affection. She would never put him through the wringer like that unless he gave her good cause, which he resolved never to do.

Just after they left, as Ross was getting some coffees, Rachel came in. 'Hi, guys!' she said, beaming at them all. She bent to kiss Monica and sat beside her. 'What's been happening?' she said quietly. 'I saw Chandler and Kathy and Joey going off, and Chandler looked like he'd been hit in the stomach.'

'Well, metaphorically, that's what Janice did,' Monica replied in a mutter. 'It's all come out about the bet, and Janice had Chandler on tenterhooks for ages, because she kept referring to his phone call, but no one else knew what she was referring to, except me. But that's all she did – oh, and she turned Joey down when he wanted to start dating her seriously.'

'I can't say I blame her,' said Rachel. 'But what was all the laughing? I could hear it a block away.'

'Oh, Emily was doing the Irishman turn, with Janice as her feed, and it was all about dinosaurs,' Monica explained, giggling at the memory.

Rachel looked blank. 'I guess you had to be there. So,' she lowered her voice again, 'what's the word on the … thing?'

Monica smiled at her tenderly. 'They said there's every chance an artificial insemination would succeed. All we have to do now is pick a donor.'

Rachel took her hand and squeezed it, looking delighted. Monica's voice had risen, and Phoebe, who had been chatting with Emily and Janice, now turned her head. 'What's that?' she said excitedly. 'You're picking a donor – like, to get pregnant?'

Everyone focussed their attention on Monica, including, Ross, returning with several coffees. Monica blushed a little. 'Yeah, we're going to go for it,' she said. 'The people at the clinic say I should have a very good chance of conceiving.'

'So Ben's going to have a little cousin?' said Ross eagerly. 'Wow, that's great.'

'Let's not rush our fences, Ross,' said Emily. 'Monica's got to become pregnant and give birth first. But it all sounds very promising.'

'So, guys, can we ask your advice?' said Monica. 'Do you think it would totally freak him out if I used Joey's sperm donation? Or should I use the donor I picked out years ago?'

'It would, like, keep it in the family, if you used Joey,' said Phoebe, sounding keen on the idea.

'Yeah, and it would mean I'm not the only one in the group whose child is being raised by two women,' said Ross, obviously trying to make a joke. His grin faded when the women looked at him witheringly.

'It might give him more sense of responsibility,' said Emily thoughtfully.

'You should definitely ask him first,' said Janice firmly. 'But here's a point. Even if he is keen to be involved, will he be ready to accept that he is just the father in a biological sense? He could get all possessive, and I guess you won't want that. And another thing: he comes from a large family, which could be a good source of information and support … but even if he accepted that it was strictly your child, they might not – they might consider it his as well.'

Monica and Rachel looked at each other. 'Let's talk to him,' said Rachel. 'And maybe we should talk to Chandler too. I don't think Kathy would mind.'

'Now, he really could freak out,' said Ross. 'You want to be very careful there.'

'Chandler,' said Monica musingly. 'I hadn't thought of that. It's not such a bad idea. It might be kind of a payback, for having to give up all his hopes about me.'

'Sort of like a consolation prize?' said Emily. 'I'm not sure how he'd feel about that.'

'If he went for it at all, he would want to be involved with the child, I think,' said Janice. 'And that might revive feelings, you know? When two people have a child together …'

'Ooh Janice, you're so sensible,' said Monica in a jokey voice. 'What happened to the old loopy Janice? But I guess that was never you, just our impression of you. Seriously, maybe it's not such a good idea to have one of our friends involved, after all.' She looked at Rachel, who pulled a face and nodded.

'But they're both good guys really,' said Janice, 'despite that bet, which is just the kind of dumb-ass silliness that men get up to from time to time – sorry, Ross. Either would make a good father, it seems to me. But they'll likely want to get married and have their own kids some day.'

Monica nodded. 'Do you think you'll forgive Joey, in time?' she asked.

Janice chuckled. 'I already have. He's so sweet, like a little boy in some ways. You can't stay mad at him for long. But I don't want him to get the idea that I'm easy. Putting him off for a while can be like a test, to see how sincere and strong his feelings really are.'

'Good thinking,' said Emily appreciatively. 'If he's off after some bimbo within the week, it will show he hasn't really changed. So, why don't we all go to dinner and talk about these things a bit more?'

'As long as it can be fast,' said Janice. 'My baby-sitter's good, but she knows it and she charges accordingly.'

'Better yet,' said Monica, 'come up to our place. I've made a casserole that I was going to use soon for a bunch of us, or freeze in portions. Won't take a minute to heat up and do some frozen peas or something. I've got a veggy thing I can heat up for you too, Pheebs.'

'Yay!' cried Phoebe, beaming. 'I'm in, then.'

'Great!' said Emily with conviction. 'Another night when I don't have to cook, and Ross doesn't have to pay. But I'll help with the washing up, I promise. Okay with you, darling?'

'Fine with me,' said Ross. 'So, Mon and Rach, have you picked out names for the baby yet? That's another thing we can discuss.'

Chattering happily, they finished their coffees, gathered themselves together and left Central Perk. Gunther smiled as he watched them go. He did not know how it had come about, but somehow Janice seemed to have become much easier to take, and he had always thought her attractive. He wondered whether it might be worth asking her for a date, since Joey had evidently struck out. He had known for some time that Rachel was completely unattainable, that it was useless even fantasising about her and he really had to move on. Janice might be just the thing.

THE END?