Chapter 6

SHREDDED HEART

Aeris looks at the building in front of her with a mixed feeling. Midgar church. On her eyes, there is an unrevealed hope that she keeps since she left Cloud at the same place. A hope she dreams for. Aeris does not care the heavy downpour as long as she got an umbrella, an incidental gift from her new acquaintance. A rough wind eventually whirls around her, splashing some rainwater toward her, but she does not mind it. Her mind is actually somewhere else.

Will he be there ? A question plays inside her mind. She wants to know the answer, but she also knows that is only her who can seek the answer. At one moment, when she believes that he will be there, inside the church, she moves her petite leg a step forward.

But…why must he be there ? Again, another contradicting question comes into her mind. She is unsure for about a moment, considering whether she would find an answer. Her heart tells her to step forward again, but her doubt already crawls inside her mind. She stops her movement.

Doubt ? Why ? Why do I have such feeling ? Aeris asks herself. This time, she knows the answer very well.

Because…I have hope that he…is there…Aeris answers her own question. But…what if that's just another false hope ? What if he isn't really there ? She bites her lips upon her hesitation.

Why must he…wait for me ? Aeris shakes her head. No…it can't be…he doesn't care about me…He must not be there….She concludes her self-conversation. Aeris then spins her body and is about to leave the church. After some steps, she stops. Suddenly, a lightning rips the night sky, followed by rolling thunder. The weather is going worse, but Aeris still stands quietly on her spot. Something bothers her heart…something she cannot interpret…yet she knows there is something. Slowly, she turns back to face the church again. The church looks like an eerie building in such weather, but Aeris ignores it. Biting her lower lip, she makes some steps toward the main door. She is quite sure now, contrary to her condition before. She knows she has to make it. She needs to find the answer, and the answer lies within church inside. Several steps from church door, Aeris suddenly stops her movement. It was like a short time ago when she was unsure. Giving up everything on her heart, finally she continues her steps slowly until she is right in front of church door and takes a look inside carefully.

Aeris cannot believe her very eyes when they meet a familiar person to her, although that person does not seem to notice her since he sits in the front row. Aeris wipes her eyes slowly to make sure that she is not seeing illusion of her hope. She finds it is true. Aeris steps her leg to move inside the church and folds her umbrella since she is not at outside church. The person still does not react or notice her. A man shaped figure, a blue shirt that is much more like a uniform, and also a head on which spiky-blondie hair rests on top of it. Suddenly lightning rips the sky again and makes a silhouette shadow of the man. Still with uncertain feeling, Aeris moves a step forward. She is going to call his name, but her heart already swallowed it.

He's here…but…why ? Aeris asks another question to herself. The man, Cloud Strife, turns his head back, and he looks quite surprised yet delighted to see Aeris is standing there. 

"Aeris…", he calls her with desperate tone. Aeris is stunned on her standing place. She does not know what to do, will she run away ? Or just wait for him to reach her ? Still in her unstable state, Aeris hangs her head down.

"Aeris…please don't go….", Cloud begs her. His voice is trembling. He walks toward Aeris who is standing still. Aeris feels her heart paces quicker. She cannot describe such feeling. After some seconds, Cloud reaches a spot in front of her. Aeris does not act or say anything, just keeping her head down.

"Aeris…take a look at me…please…", Cloud's shaky voice begs her again. He sounds desperate. Slowly, Aeris regains her composure and lifts up her head slowly. She finds a pair of Mako-blue eyes stare at her with desperate and regretful look. She never sees a face like this depicted on the person's visage right in front of her now. This makes her heart touched.

"Aeris….", Cloud calls her again, almost in whisper. Aeris studies him carefully. He is totally wet because of the heavy rain. Aeris concludes he has just arrived at the church not a long time ago.

But why is he here ? Just to take shelter from the rain ? Aeris asks to herself, not letting her eyes go from Cloud's messy form.

"Gee…You are wet…You must have been caught in rain, aren't you ?", Aeris responds after she kept quiet. With a gentle motion, she swipes raindrops left on Cloud's cheek. Although he hurt her feeling, she still cares about him.

"Aeris…I'm…sorry…", Cloud suddenly says those words. Aeris is surprised to hear what Cloud said. She pulls back her hand and stares at him with puzzled look. She does not expect Cloud to say such words. As Cloud catches Aeris' look, he continues his sentence, "I'm sorry…for that incident…for hurting your feeling…". His voice trails off at the end. He scratches his head. He knows he is not talented on charming-speech. However, he knows he must go on. "Aeris, we were arguing about my promise to keep alive, right ? Well, you didn't give me chance to explain…I said that was a little thing…I guessed that's why you were mad at me…but…that little thing is actually the most meaningful thing to me…That's all I can say ". Cloud finishes his explanation. He then looks at Aeris desperately, waiting for her response.

Aeris keeps silent. Cloud feels he stands on the fire pit as seconds passed. Although the moment only lasts at seconds, he feels like waiting for years. For the rest of the day, he could not stop thinking about Aeris left him. He could not pretend his guilty feeling toward her. Whatever the reason was, he decided to make apologize to Aeris, but first, he had to find her. He tried this church for first trial, and it hit the target. He was not just taking a shelter from the rain, he stayed there to see Aeris, or wait for her in case she was not there. He hoped that she would eventually come to her church. Now, she is right in front of him.

Aeris takes a breath. A smile gradually paints her beautiful visage. Her eyes sparkle nicely.

"It's okay, Cloud…You don't have to worry anymore", finally she speaks up. Cloud lets out a long sigh as his burden is finally removed from his heart. "Hey ! I haven't finished yet !", Aeris cuts off quickly. Cloud's eyes go wide and his face looks worried again. Aeris then continues, "You shouldn't have a worried feeling….as long as you really mean your words…".

"I already told you the truth…", Cloud's voice goes heavier to pin down his words before. Aeris smiles again. "I think I can trust you, spiky-head !", she starts to chuckle softly.

She is back…Cloud thinks in joy. Without saying any words, Aeris strokes Cloud's wet hair. In wet condition, his spiky hair becomes much more like a mess. With her fingers, Aeris try to separate some of the sticking hair strands, but she cannot do that. "Your hair is so spiky, huh ?", she giggles after she fails doing that. Cloud only grins at her.

"I've been waiting for you..", Cloud speaks another subject out of blue. Aeris responds with an investigating expression at him. "So, you are not just taking a shelter from rain outside ?", she asks. Cloud shakes his head. "No…I am really waiting for you…here….", he exclaims.

He's been waiting for me….Aeris thinks. A hopeful feeling emerges inside her heart. However, she needs to ask one important question, only one, but a really a decisive one.

"Why ?".

Aeris looks at Cloud's eyes closely. Cloud gasps a little being questioned. Before this happened, he was asking the question, but now, things turns to Aeris' side, asking the same question to him. He really wants to avoid that question, but Aeris is already waiting for his answer. Cloud gulps. Suddenly, Tifa's smiling image flashes in his mind and drops his heart with a guilty feeling. He still loves Tifa for sure, but his affection to Aeris also needs an explanation. Cloud grows more nervous when he meets Aeris' eyes. She still keeps her hope on him.

Why ? Why am I like this ? Cloud asks himself, a rhetorical question.

Affection ?

Care ?

Love ?

Compassionate ?

Guilty compensation because I let her being killed ?

"Cloud….answer me…", Aeris asks him again for the answer. Cloud cannot guess how she feels right now. Sometimes she is so mysterious. She is always mysterious, he can be so sure about that. Cloud lets out a sigh, bites his lower lip and finally gives answer,

"Because…I….". He stops at this point. He gathers his will to speak up again, but something inside his heart holds his tongue. Goddammit ! I don't even why did I come here…I just can't stand to see her sad…Cloud curses himself.

"It's okay, Cloud, if you can't answer me…", Aeris suddenly speaks up with sad voice. Cloud stares at her eyes and finds tears are watering them. He then holds Aeris shoulder with his both hands, trying to ease her, but those tears are streaming down her cheeks.

He failed. Again. It happened twice in a day.

Aeris hangs her head down. Her heart is shattered into pieces. She loses her hope. She is totally lost. She does not even deserve warming words from him. He is so…far away. He is not hers. Her body is choking, holding her sudden outburst. Cloud keeps on trying to calm her.

"Aeris…please don't cry….", he whispers in desperate voice. He caresses her left cheek gently and swipes the tears with his thumb. His heart feels like stabbed to see the angel in front of him pours her tears. He cannot make his angel happy. Cloud strokes her hair with care, and he patiently waits her crying. After all, that is all he can do. He just watches Aeris with sad and regretful expression. Outside the church, a thunder echoes, breaking the sound of rainfall, graying the feelings of two intertwined persons inside the church.

"Cloud…let's go back to bar…", suddenly Aeris speaks up in middle of her crying. She chokes sometimes, but gradually her crying is over. Cloud stares at her with guilty expression. He feels very awkward. His hand is still on her cheek, while the other is on her shoulder. Cloud is going to ask something, but Aeris quickly cuts him off,  "I am….fine….". She then forces herself to smile, but Cloud knows it was very hard for her. He sees a sorrowful expression instead of smiling angel he used to see. Nodding slowly, yet reluctantly, Cloud then releases his hands. He turns his face to outside.

"It's still raining outside…", he mumbles. "Yes, I know, but let's go home together, we can share my umbrella", Aeris insists. Cloud look hesitate for a moment, but he then nods for agreement.

……………

"Yuffie, do you know where everyone is ?", Tifa asks the Wutai girl. She sounds concerned. Yuffie shakes her head while serving another customer who just came in. Tifa stands up from her chair impatiently and spreads her look around the bar as if she would find the person she is looking for. This night, the bar is quite crowded as usual, but she does not care about that now. It is still raining heavily outside, and she finds only Yuffie and Red XIII inside the bar. The others are completely gone, but amongst the others, she cares only Cloud. Worried feeling covers her mind.

Is he caught in the rain ? Or anything happened to him ? Tifa just cannot stop thinking about him worriedly. She plays her finger to reduce her restless heart, but she grows more anxious.

"Just go outside if you wish, Tifa…I'll take care customers here", suddenly Yuffie advises Tifa. Tifa does not reply, she considers Yuffie's offer. Finally she taps Yuffie's shoulder as she says 'thanks' and quickly leaves the serving table. After she is outside, she just stands there, waiting for the person. Although she stands at the terrace, Tifa can still feel some rainwater falls on her skin, but again, she does not care about that. After waiting for about five minutes, finally Tifa notices a familiar shadow walks toward the bar. The heavy rain creates a thin mist that blurs Tifa's sight, but she can still recognize who is coming to her. Cloud. Much to Tifa's surprise, another person walks beside him, and knowing the person makes Tifa a bit jealous.

No…no…that must not be….they must have met by coincidence…and they only had one umbrella…so they had to share it together…that's all…Tifa tries to think rationally. After all, she does not have a heart to have a prejudice on her best friend, Aeris. Moreover, she has more important thing to tell Cloud as soon as possible.

After Cloud and Aeris come into Tifa's sight clearly, Tifa waves her hand to them. Cloud waves his hand back awkwardly. He cannot imagine how upset Tifa would be after seeing he and Aeris walk together under the same umbrella. With his eye tip, he glances at Aeris who also waves her hand to Tifa.

"Go to her, Cloud….", Aeris whispers to him, trying to act normally. She then continues, "Let's just pretend on what happened today….". A sad tone still remains in her voice. Cloud knows there is nothing more to do, although he wants to cheer up Aeris after what he has done.

"Cloud ! Aeris ! I'm glad you're finally home !", Tifa greets them cheerfully after they are in close distance. She reaches Cloud's neck and hugs him lovingly. Cloud gasps, quite surprised seeing his fiancée like this. He just hugs her back. Aeris just watches the couple with bitter feeling inside her heart. She manages herself to smile when Cloud glances at her although she knows it is much more to hide the pain, and she knows that Cloud knows it too.

"Cloud ! Finally….finally….it's done !", Tifa says to him with happy tone. Cloud raises his eyebrow, a sign that he does not understand what she said. Tifa giggles. "Well…I think I'm just very eager to tell you this". She stares at Cloud's eyes lovingly. Her hands are still on Cloud's neck and Cloud's hands are on her waist. Cloud asks, "What's the matter Tifa ?". He tries to sound naturally. Tifa gives him a look that makes him curious. She then replies, "Well…after a long time waiting, and after some discussion with Red XIII…then…I decide to have our wedding…..". Tifa pauses for a moment. Cloud's eyes go wide. Unnoticed by those couple, Aeris holds her breath.

"It will be a week from now !!", Tifa cries out happily and hugs Cloud again tightly. Cloud only shows a very surprised expression. His mouth is opened. He cannot speak or say anything, just lets his arms hold Tifa slowly. Cloud is supposed to be happy, but something tells him it is not quite simple. There is a little thing annoying his heart. Slowly, he glances at Aeris and sees a very downhearted face he never sees before. At their first fight, he rarely saw Aeris in such sad expression, and after their second fight, he started to witness Aeris had sad face on several occasions, but much of them could not match her expression right now. Her eyes depict a very deep sorrow.

Aeris feels like a lightning strike into her heart directly. She cannot believe her eyes, her ears, she just wants to deny the event she just knew. She wants it badly, but reality bites. Finally. The word is already spoken. Cloud and Tifa will be married next week. Aeris feels her throat is rough, her eyes are warm, her head is dizzy. Although she and Cloud have just had a little argue, she started to realize something on their way back home. Cloud has hurt her for sure, but she knows that he still cares about her, he tried hard to calm her, to ease her. That made her heart lighter, but now, it is totally vanished. As she feels like being an ignorant, Aeris walks toward inside, leaving Cloud and Tifa. When Cloud sees Aeris is about to leave them, his mouth is opened, ready to call her name, but he does not make it. He will ruin Tifa's happiness if he does that. He just watches Aeris walks away in sorrow, hanging her head down, spiritless. Cloud bites his lower lip to hold a guilty feeling rushes inside. He closes his eyes, regretting on what has happened. He does not blame Tifa, he actually wants to make her happy. He blames himself for his inability to make Aeris back to her old attitude. He does not know what to do. He failed her again. Three times a day. Meanwhile, the rain is still pouring down the ground, painted with lightning and thunder. Cold breeze envelopes the hugging couple, one feels a true joy, one feels an absolute mixed feeling.

AUTHOR'S POST-CHAPTER NOTE :

Well…at last I reach this chapter. I intended to capture Aeris' sadness in words. I set the background location in middle of heavy rain to impress the grieving nuance. I got this idea from Pure Heart, in which there is a sound of rain in middle of the song. I imagine that will suit the scene ^_^.

Now, as Cloud is finally ready to marry Tifa, what will be happened next ? And  how about that new guy, Vic Skye ? He plays an important role on this fanfic, so don't miss the next chapter…and if you're kind enough, please drop your review so I may know your comments, okie dokie ? ^_^