Chapter 9

"Spike… Spike are you here?"

Willow had tried knocking on the vampire's crypt door but had gotten no response.  She finally decided to let herself in.  The sun was pretty bright out and she didn't know where else he could be, unless he had snuck back over to the school basement.  Buffy and Xander would be real pleased if that were the case.  She squinted trying to adjust her eyes to the lack of lighting in the crypt.  She thought she saw a figure stretched out on the couch and cautiously walked toward it.  It was Spike and he appeared to be sleeping.  He was shirtless and his hair was all over his head as if he had been thrashing around.  Willow also noticed that he was mumbling something but she couldn't quite make out what.  She gently touched his shoulder attempting to wake him.

"No, No, No.  Stay away!  I told you to stay away from me!"

Willow quickly jumped back as Spike sprang off the couch and began ranting at her, his hands held in front of him as if to ward her off.

"I can't help you.  It's too late.  I told you I was sorry.  I'm so sorry!  There's nothing I can do…nothing.  It's too late you're dead….you're all dead and I can't do anything about it.  What do you want from me?!?!"

"Spike, hey, calm down.  It's me, Willow.  I'm not dead, I promise. It's just me."

Spike looked at the figure of Willow skeptically, his brows knitted in confusion.  What was she doing here?  Was it even her?  He retreated further across the room, backing himself against a wall, not sure what to believe.

"I'm sorry Spike.  I didn't mean to startle you, I just wanted to talk.  You…you weren't answering the door."

"Red?"

"Yeah.  Who'd you think it was?"  Willow was pretty confused by now.  Spike seemed to actually be frightened of her. She wasn't sure what to make of it.

"Oh Wil… sorry.  I was just having a dream."  Spike turned away from Willow and began rummaging through a considerable collection of mostly empty liquor bottles, his hands shaking visibly.  He finally found one that was about half full and poured himself a generous glass.  He then held the bottle toward Willow in a silent offer.

"Not really the hard liquor type…but thanks anyway."  Willow wasn't sure how to proceed so she just stood awkwardly in the middle of the room.

"Was there something you needed Red?"

"Oh, yeah.  I… I just… how are you?"

Spike looked a little taken aback at Willow's question.

"Okay I guess.  There some reason you're asking?"

Willow walked slowly toward Spike, she was trying hard to make eye contact but he was avoiding her gaze and the lack of lighting in the crypt wasn't helping either.  Willow decided to at least remedy the last problem.

"Illuminate" 

As soon as Willow spoke the word, all of the candles in the room were suddenly lit of their own accord, the flames surging up before settling back down to the normal flicker of candlelight.  Spike nearly jumped out of his skin and spit a whole mouthful of whisky half way across the room.

"Bloody hell Willow!  What are you trying to do?  I'm just minding my own business and you…"

"Wow" was the only word Willow could manage to utter when Spike's gaze met hers.

"Wow *what* you silly bint?  Good thing I'm already dead because you could give a bloke a heart attack. Ever heard of a lighter?"

"Spike you… you have a soul."

Spike quickly averted his gaze from Willow's.

"So… did *Buffy* tell you to come get a look at the new circus freak, poke it's cage a li'l."

"No Spike, Buffy didn't tell me anything.  I just knew… I can see it."

"Well, I'm not surprised she didn't tell.  *She* probably doesn't want any of you around me.  Afraid I'll bugger up the plan."

"What plan?  Spike, what are you talking about?"

"Nothing.  I'm a little mad if you didn't notice."

"Is it the soul?  Is it… I mean… does it … does it hurt?"

Spike laughed, a bitter humorless sound.

"Well it ain't no day at the circus, Red.  Now, I've enjoyed the visit and all, but if you don't mind terribly, it's sorta my bed time."

Willow simply ignored his attempt to brush her off.

"It must be really awful for you."

Spike felt a wave of shame and embarrassment.  He didn't want anyone's pity.  He didn't deserve it. 

"I wouldn't feel too sorry for me pet.  Probably getting off easy considering what I've done."

"I know the feeling."

"Do you now?" Spike said with a scornful laugh.

"Spike, I've killed people.  *Brutally* killed people.  I flayed someone alive.  I don't think that's anything to scoff at."

"Sorry Wil.  Didn't mean to put down your li'l rampage."  Spike gestured toward his couch.  "As long as you're gonna hang around why don't you have a seat.  Might put some things in perspective for you."

Willow took the offered seat.  She couldn't help feeling a little insulted at Spike's dismissal of her pain, but he did seem willing to talk now and she didn't want to discourage him.  Spike sat down on the other end of the couch leaving quite a space between them.  He ran his fingers through his hair with a deep sigh before looking Willow straight in the eye.

"Ere's how it goes Red.  You lost someone you loved and you had the *power* to do somethin about it….to punish the one what did it.  Not everyone has that kind of power….if they did we'd see a lot more flayings about.  Not exactly…"

"Spike don't do that.  Don't excuse what I did.  I took a human life….more than one.  There's no way to rationalize that, so don't even try.  Maybe I didn't kill half of Europe, but I still have blood on my hands, so I know how it feels.  I had no right to do that."

"But you felt justified didn't you?"

"At the time, but not now."

"But at the time you did.  In your mind you were doing what was right, misguided or not.  Destroying someone who was evil."

Spike paused contemplating his drink before finishing it off in one large gulp.

"Do you know why I did the things I did?  Because I *enjoyed* causing pain.  I didn't seek out those who I felt deserved it.  No just the opposite…I sought out the innocent, those who deserved it least of all.  Oh, I've killed my share of criminals and such but that was mainly just for a meal.. killed em quick.  But, do you know what happened when I found me a sweet li'l innocent?  Do you know what I did to them Wil?"  At this point tears were standing in Spike's eyes but he forced himself to continue.  "I am the kind of monster you can't even conceive of.  I've done things you couldn't imagine in your darkest dreams.  I did those things because I was *evil* and I enjoyed *every* bleeding minute of it.  So don't put yourself in my league Red.  It's a club you don't want to belong to.   I deserve to be tormented….every single day… for the rest of my pathetic life.  You don't… not compared to me.  You may not believe me and you may not feel it, but you still have your innocence… tarnished a little, but it's still there.  You deserve to be forgiven."

Willow sat in silence not sure what to say.  She felt an overwhelming sense of compassion.  She knew she was by no means qualified to offer him absolution, but she felt for him anyway.   She knew what it was like to have to live with the knowledge of having done horrible things, even if he didn't see that.  She supposed she couldn't expect someone with his past to appreciate the gravity of what she had done.  She wasn't interested in having a 'measuring' contest with him anyway, that wasn't why she was here.  She was here to satisfy a nagging feeling…a feeling that something very wrong was happening and he knew something about it.

"She's helping me you know.  Even though I don't deserve it, she's helping me anyway. She's an angel you know."

Willow looked up, shaken out of her thoughts, by the quiet, sad sound of Spike's voice.

"Who's helping you Spike?  Is it Buffy?  Has she been coming to see you?"

Spike looked suddenly nervous, he stood up and begin pacing the short length of his crypt.

"Nothing Red.  Don't know what I'm talking about.  I see things…people… people I killed… hear voices.  Don't know what's real."

"Spike, answer me.  Has Buffy been coming to see you?  Do you know what's wrong with her?"

"Here?  No she would never come here.  Can't be here.  It's just me…and them…no Buffy.  Not now.  But soon…soon…  You need to go.  Don't belong in the vampire's crypt.  Besides I… I need to sleep.  Got a busy night ahead.  There are things that must be done.  Have to be ready."

Willow knew she wouldn't be getting much more out of Spike.  His eyes had taken on a far away glaze.  Besides, she needed to go if she was going to be on time to class.  Couldn't have a repeat performance of last Spring.  Giles would be there soon and maybe he could shed some more light on the situation.