Hero
Ever heard the expression, 'don't know what you've got till it's gone'? Well, I have to admit, I never really got that saying, you know, what it truly meant.......now, I do. I realized I loved him, but now, I'll never get to tell him. Too little, much too late, I guess.
God, look at me, I can't even cry anymore. I guess my pain goes beyond tears now. When Angel died, I felt like I had cried a river. With Spike, there is no river, just an empty void inside of me where he used to be.
He sacrificed himself for us, you know. Me and my friends; the 'Scoobies'. He liked calling us the Scoobies, thought it was funny. He never said he did, but I saw the laughter in his eyes when he said it. The smile behind his smirk. He had names for all of us. Xander was the Whelp, I never got why he called him that, guess I'll have to look it up. Willow was Red, that one I knew, it was because of her flaming red hair. Giles, hmm, he was Watcher, or sometimes just Rupert. I don't know why, but Spike always seemed to respect Giles, look up to him even, I never thought to ask him why, and now I'll never know. Hmm, maybe I do have some tears to shed after all. Sorry, sidetracked. Anya was always ex-demon, for obvious reasons, Tara was Glinda, named after the good witch in the Wizard of Oz. I hadn't even known he'd watched it. There were many things with Spike that I had no idea about. Still don't know about. Uh, Dawn, well, she was Nibblet, or Platelet, funny little names, I always thought, until I figured out why he used them. Turned out he had a younger sister when he was human. He loved her so much, and would always call her those names, until one day she died, I never found out how. From then on I never questioned him about his nicknames for Dawn. One time I caught his eyes when he said it, I swear I saw sadness hidden in their blue depths, and something else, pride. Maybe Dawn reminded him of his sister. It was sweet.
And finally me. He had lots of nicknames for me actually. Slayer, pet, big sis, love, petal; that one I wondered about. But just recently, before his death, it had been Buffy, just Buffy, and I didn't know it then, but I loved him for it. Because, when he said my name, he made me feel like, well, me. Like I didn't have to hide from him. I could tell him what was on my mind and knew he wouldn't judge me for it. He had that way with people, getting them to open up to him with a gesture as simple as a smile, or a well placed comment. And I loved him for it, but I never got to tell him.
He died a hero, he really did. Hmm, he would have liked that, never would admit it, but deep down, I know he would have loved it, knowing that, because he died, he saved us all. And he didn't have to, he didn't have to be all macho and brave, a lesser man would have run away at the thought, but not Spike..... never Spike. He did it for us. He died for a cause he would never see complete, and therefore, he died a hero.
I buried him today, with a headstone and a grave and everything. I even got a coffin for him, although there really was no point. I put his ashes in it, though. He deserved that at least. Thankfully no one asked me why I was burying nothing. I think my friends told them. I felt so lucky that my friends understood, that they didn't judge me for burying him. They even came along to the ceremony, and said a few words, which both surprised and pleased me. And seeing as he had no family we knew of, we buried him here in Sunnydale, quite close to where my mum was buried. I was determined to find him a nice spot in the sun. He could never see it when he was alive, it seemed only fitting.
I think he would have liked what I put on his headstone. Well, maybe, it was probably too sappy for him, but deep down I know he was a sappy sort of guy. It took me so long to think of what I was going to write, but when it finally came to me I almost laughed out loud because it was so obvious. Do you want to know what I wrote? Even if you don't, doesn't matter, I'm still going to tell you anyway. I dug up things from his William days, so I knew when he was born, and what his last name was, because the idiot was too proud to tell me. Or maybe he just didn't remember. Either way, it's there. No one bothered to ask me why his year of birth was so long ago, and I didn't bother to tell them. It would've been easier to just make a year up, but that's not what I wanted, it's not what he would have wanted. It's kind of funny, in a way; I had to buy an extra big headstone just to fit what I wanted on. This is what I wrote:
William Jonas Frederick Sinclair
Known by friends as Spike
Born: 1858. Died: 2002
He was man of many talents,
But the one we will remember him for
Was his talent to love.
Some claim they have seen Angels.
But I have seen thee.
And thou art enough.
He loved us, but what he did not know, is that we loved him back
R.I.P
So, what do you think? No, wait, I don't care what you think. I like it, my friends like it, and I know he likes it. Doesn't matter what you think.
You know he died for us, but did you know why? Not because he loved us. Really that was only part of the reason. But because he didn't think I loved him. Because I was too damn selfish and proud to admit how I really felt about him. If I had only told him, he wouldn't have gone out to find the demon that ended his life, the demon that tried to rid the world of good, the demon that tried to kill us all. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself, and he would still be alive. I have no proof of this, but I still believe it's true, and therefore it was my fault. All my fault. That really was the only reason, he felt there was no chance with me, so therefore, his life was meaningless. And I hate myself for making him think that. And I hate him for making me hate myself. And I hate myself even more for hating him because I hate myself! It's a vicious cycle. Confused? Yeah, well, so am I! Damn it! He didn't have to die! We could've fought this together. Every one of us. But he was scared, he knew if we all went after it there was a chance that some of us could die, that I could die, again. And I don't think he wanted it, so, what was his alternative? You guessed it. Fight the creature himself.
What, you're saying I could've stopped him? Is that it? How was I supposed to know? How? Don't you think I would've, if only I had known? Even if I didn't know I was in love with him, I still would have stopped him. After all, he was a part of my family, and I protect my family.
I know I should have seen it coming, should've done something. But tonight, I don't want to think about the want ifs.
What, you're wondering what demon killed him? Does it matter? Every single week I have another apocalypse that I have to avert, this was just another to add to the pile. Ok, so, that may not be entirely true. You want the truth? Sorry, but, as the old saying goes, 'you can't handle the truth'. I have faced every nightmarish thing you can think off in my, what, seven, years of slaying. Things that you can only imagine, demons, cyborgs, Master Vampires, damn it, even a God. But this, this was worse. This was beyond worse. Here, I'll give you this. Think of your worst fear, your worst nightmare, whatever, and times it by, infinity. What does that equal, ladies and gentlemen? Three words.
The First Evil.
There's evil.....And then there's the thing that created it.
That's it, that's all I can say. Why? Because, you find out what this is, you die. Just like Spike did, just like Angel nearly did, and just like some other soldier for good will do in the future. I can't prevent that from happening, but I can prevent it from happening to you.
You know what? My one purpose in telling you this was to make sure Spike got the recognition he deserved. Because he really did deserve it. He turned his back on his true nature for us, for you, and it got him killed.
So, ladies and gentlemen, don't look at a Superman, Batman or Spiderman comic and say that they are heroes. Because they're not. The only heroes in this world are the people, human or no, that are willing to fight evil, no matter the consequences. They're the people who are willing to die to save us. So think about that.
But now that you know that there is evil out there, don't worry, don't stay awake at night because of it. Because wherever there is evil, there is someone like me, and my friends.....and Spike, out there, waiting, ready to fight.
And to die.
Ever heard the expression, 'don't know what you've got till it's gone'? Well, I have to admit, I never really got that saying, you know, what it truly meant.......now, I do. I realized I loved him, but now, I'll never get to tell him. Too little, much too late, I guess.
God, look at me, I can't even cry anymore. I guess my pain goes beyond tears now. When Angel died, I felt like I had cried a river. With Spike, there is no river, just an empty void inside of me where he used to be.
He sacrificed himself for us, you know. Me and my friends; the 'Scoobies'. He liked calling us the Scoobies, thought it was funny. He never said he did, but I saw the laughter in his eyes when he said it. The smile behind his smirk. He had names for all of us. Xander was the Whelp, I never got why he called him that, guess I'll have to look it up. Willow was Red, that one I knew, it was because of her flaming red hair. Giles, hmm, he was Watcher, or sometimes just Rupert. I don't know why, but Spike always seemed to respect Giles, look up to him even, I never thought to ask him why, and now I'll never know. Hmm, maybe I do have some tears to shed after all. Sorry, sidetracked. Anya was always ex-demon, for obvious reasons, Tara was Glinda, named after the good witch in the Wizard of Oz. I hadn't even known he'd watched it. There were many things with Spike that I had no idea about. Still don't know about. Uh, Dawn, well, she was Nibblet, or Platelet, funny little names, I always thought, until I figured out why he used them. Turned out he had a younger sister when he was human. He loved her so much, and would always call her those names, until one day she died, I never found out how. From then on I never questioned him about his nicknames for Dawn. One time I caught his eyes when he said it, I swear I saw sadness hidden in their blue depths, and something else, pride. Maybe Dawn reminded him of his sister. It was sweet.
And finally me. He had lots of nicknames for me actually. Slayer, pet, big sis, love, petal; that one I wondered about. But just recently, before his death, it had been Buffy, just Buffy, and I didn't know it then, but I loved him for it. Because, when he said my name, he made me feel like, well, me. Like I didn't have to hide from him. I could tell him what was on my mind and knew he wouldn't judge me for it. He had that way with people, getting them to open up to him with a gesture as simple as a smile, or a well placed comment. And I loved him for it, but I never got to tell him.
He died a hero, he really did. Hmm, he would have liked that, never would admit it, but deep down, I know he would have loved it, knowing that, because he died, he saved us all. And he didn't have to, he didn't have to be all macho and brave, a lesser man would have run away at the thought, but not Spike..... never Spike. He did it for us. He died for a cause he would never see complete, and therefore, he died a hero.
I buried him today, with a headstone and a grave and everything. I even got a coffin for him, although there really was no point. I put his ashes in it, though. He deserved that at least. Thankfully no one asked me why I was burying nothing. I think my friends told them. I felt so lucky that my friends understood, that they didn't judge me for burying him. They even came along to the ceremony, and said a few words, which both surprised and pleased me. And seeing as he had no family we knew of, we buried him here in Sunnydale, quite close to where my mum was buried. I was determined to find him a nice spot in the sun. He could never see it when he was alive, it seemed only fitting.
I think he would have liked what I put on his headstone. Well, maybe, it was probably too sappy for him, but deep down I know he was a sappy sort of guy. It took me so long to think of what I was going to write, but when it finally came to me I almost laughed out loud because it was so obvious. Do you want to know what I wrote? Even if you don't, doesn't matter, I'm still going to tell you anyway. I dug up things from his William days, so I knew when he was born, and what his last name was, because the idiot was too proud to tell me. Or maybe he just didn't remember. Either way, it's there. No one bothered to ask me why his year of birth was so long ago, and I didn't bother to tell them. It would've been easier to just make a year up, but that's not what I wanted, it's not what he would have wanted. It's kind of funny, in a way; I had to buy an extra big headstone just to fit what I wanted on. This is what I wrote:
William Jonas Frederick Sinclair
Known by friends as Spike
Born: 1858. Died: 2002
He was man of many talents,
But the one we will remember him for
Was his talent to love.
Some claim they have seen Angels.
But I have seen thee.
And thou art enough.
He loved us, but what he did not know, is that we loved him back
R.I.P
So, what do you think? No, wait, I don't care what you think. I like it, my friends like it, and I know he likes it. Doesn't matter what you think.
You know he died for us, but did you know why? Not because he loved us. Really that was only part of the reason. But because he didn't think I loved him. Because I was too damn selfish and proud to admit how I really felt about him. If I had only told him, he wouldn't have gone out to find the demon that ended his life, the demon that tried to rid the world of good, the demon that tried to kill us all. He wouldn't have sacrificed himself, and he would still be alive. I have no proof of this, but I still believe it's true, and therefore it was my fault. All my fault. That really was the only reason, he felt there was no chance with me, so therefore, his life was meaningless. And I hate myself for making him think that. And I hate him for making me hate myself. And I hate myself even more for hating him because I hate myself! It's a vicious cycle. Confused? Yeah, well, so am I! Damn it! He didn't have to die! We could've fought this together. Every one of us. But he was scared, he knew if we all went after it there was a chance that some of us could die, that I could die, again. And I don't think he wanted it, so, what was his alternative? You guessed it. Fight the creature himself.
What, you're saying I could've stopped him? Is that it? How was I supposed to know? How? Don't you think I would've, if only I had known? Even if I didn't know I was in love with him, I still would have stopped him. After all, he was a part of my family, and I protect my family.
I know I should have seen it coming, should've done something. But tonight, I don't want to think about the want ifs.
What, you're wondering what demon killed him? Does it matter? Every single week I have another apocalypse that I have to avert, this was just another to add to the pile. Ok, so, that may not be entirely true. You want the truth? Sorry, but, as the old saying goes, 'you can't handle the truth'. I have faced every nightmarish thing you can think off in my, what, seven, years of slaying. Things that you can only imagine, demons, cyborgs, Master Vampires, damn it, even a God. But this, this was worse. This was beyond worse. Here, I'll give you this. Think of your worst fear, your worst nightmare, whatever, and times it by, infinity. What does that equal, ladies and gentlemen? Three words.
The First Evil.
There's evil.....And then there's the thing that created it.
That's it, that's all I can say. Why? Because, you find out what this is, you die. Just like Spike did, just like Angel nearly did, and just like some other soldier for good will do in the future. I can't prevent that from happening, but I can prevent it from happening to you.
You know what? My one purpose in telling you this was to make sure Spike got the recognition he deserved. Because he really did deserve it. He turned his back on his true nature for us, for you, and it got him killed.
So, ladies and gentlemen, don't look at a Superman, Batman or Spiderman comic and say that they are heroes. Because they're not. The only heroes in this world are the people, human or no, that are willing to fight evil, no matter the consequences. They're the people who are willing to die to save us. So think about that.
But now that you know that there is evil out there, don't worry, don't stay awake at night because of it. Because wherever there is evil, there is someone like me, and my friends.....and Spike, out there, waiting, ready to fight.
And to die.