Cole
Cole held the athame in front of him and closed his eyes before he snapped them open, yelled, and brought the blade down, embedding it in his heart. He staggered back from the initial thrust but quickly realized he was still standing. He withdrew the blade and watched with disappointment as the wound healed itself. The blade, however, began to dissolve and he dropped it on the floor and watched as his acidic blood ate through the metal. "Damn," he muttered, "that's the fifth one todayI can't take this anymore." He raised his arms to the ceiling and shouted, "Why the hell won't you let me die?"
"Self-pity didn't suit your mother," Benjamin informed him as he entered the penthouse, "and it doesn't suit you either."
"What?" Cole spun around and gasped, "FatherYou're here? How?"
"Magic," his father answered simply. He looked over Cole's appearance and shook his head. "You look like hell."
"What?" Cole asked in a stunned tone.
"Look at yourself," Benjamin commented with disapproval. "Go," he ordered, "get yourself cleaned up."
"But, how," Cole stuttered, "why"
"We'll talk after you've washed and shaved," his father told him. "And change your clothes. With all those tears, they look like rags."
"But --" Cole began.
Benjamin lightly gripped Cole's shoulder and Cole looked back at him with new shock. "I'll still be here," he assured his son in a gentler tone. "Go on now."
Cole started for the bedroom but turned back around. "Phoebe?" he questioned.
"We'll talk later," Benjamin quietly repeated.
*********** ********** ************
Cole found his father outside on the terrace staring out at the city lights. The shower had managed to clear his head from some of the conflicted thoughts he had about the direction his life had recently taken. But his father was here. Standing right in front of him. And he had no idea why. Phoebe was the only one who knew. The only one who could have brought him. But why? Why would she do something soso considerate? She hated him now. If she hadn't at the beginning, she must now. After everything he'd done. He'd unknowingly sabotaged his own desires and pushed her further away. Maybe deep down he knew she'd been right all along. They'd tried to make it work but maybe she was right, maybe they had no future together. He hadn't wanted to believe it.
A life without Phoebe? He hated the very thought and had done his best to convince her there was a way. He thought he could do it. He thought he could show her the way. But things kept getting in his way. So he had pushed harder. But the situation only got worse. And even if she had been willing to understand why he'd pushed to extremes, she'd never understand his confrontation with Piper. He hadn't hurt Pipernot physically, anyway. But he knew the strong ties Phoebe had to her sisters. And after the other dayhe'd never break through them again. Never get through to her again. So what was he supposed to do now? And how would his father react to all he had done? His father was here. Standing before him. "Father," he tentatively began, "what are --"
"When you were a baby," Benjamin interrupted, without turning around, as he recalled, "I used to carry you out on our balcony and show you the city. It amused your mother to hear me proclaim that the city was yours for the taking." He turned around and faced his son with a smile, "Of course, I was merely bragging as any proud new father might. I never meant it literally."
Cole stiffened as guilt threatened to overwhelm him. Silent, he stepped towards the railing, shoved his hands in his pockets, and stared out at the city.
"I was teasing," Benjamin apologized. But Cole didn't smile and Benjamin stood next to him and leaned against the railing. "Suicide is rather extreme, don't you think?"
"Phoebe did send you," Cole acknowledged. "Why?"
"Why kill yourself?" Benjamin asked instead.
"I won't be evil," Cole growled. "They won't let me be good."
"They won't let you?" his father skeptically questioned. "Since when do you need permission to do good?"
Cole shook his head. "That's not what I mean." He finally looked at his father and explained, "I've tried to do good. I've tried to save innocents but it's either backfired or it's meant nothing."
"To whom?" Benjamin pointedly asked.
"Does it matter?" his son sighed.
"Yes," Benjamin answered, "because you don't do the right thing for someone else to think more highly of you. You do it because you know it's the right thing to do. Don't you think the ones you saved are grateful?" Cole silently shrugged and he questioned, "Tell me, son, has the only reason you've done any good been because of Phoebe alone?"
"Yes..No" Cole replied automatically. "I don't know," he quietly admitted.
"I think that Phoebe opened the door for you," Benjamin contemplated. "Helping Phoebe meant helping innocents. And in acknowledging your own humanity by helping her and helping them, you also gave your conscience a new voice. And you were surprised to discover that you liked helping innocents. You found it satisfying and rewarding."
"Maybe I just liked the feeling of doing somethinganything," Cole argued, "and that it was the only way to be with her."
Benjamin shook his head, "If that were true, you'd have gone back to your old ways the moment Phoebe turned you away after you escaped the Wasteland." Cole looked at him in surprise and he admitted, "I know quite a bit about what's happened. I've seen. And I've been filled in on the rest. So, what happens now, you're going to ignore everything you've learned about yourself in the past two years and simply give up?"
"What's the point in even trying?" Cole sighed again. "Phoebe's lectured me enough on how my new powers are an even greater magnet for evil. I can't protect her. Hell, I can't even protect myself. So, it seems my very salvation in escaping the Wasteland has damned me to an eternity of solitude here. Unless"
"Unless what?" his father asked warily.
"Unless I go back there," Cole thought aloud. "Eternity there couldn't possibly be any worse than here. That is if I still have a soul left. Maybe that worm canNo, I destroyed it, didn't I? Of course, there could be more of themBig place. Other creatures"
"I thought your mother trained you better than that," Benjamin angrily spat.
"What?" Cole uttered, suddenly shocked from his thoughts. "What does Mother have to do with any of this?"
"Your mother abhorred any show of weakness," Benjamin answered in a tone of disgust. "What do you suppose she'd say if she saw you right now?"
Cole looked away and realized, "She'd tell me to quit whining like a human and show her what I'm made of. Show her how much better I am than them."
Satisfied, Benjamin nodded curtly. "Then maybe you should listen to her. You sure as hell don't seem to be listening to me."
"You don't know anything about me," Cole snapped, "so don't presume to give me any wholesome fatherly advice." Benjamin burst out laughing and it took Cole by surprise. "What's so funny?" he angrily asked.
"You," his father answered with another laugh. "Acting like the petulant child I so remember. You hated listening even then. You wanted to do things your way and didn't care if you were warned not to for your own sake. You learned your lessons all right, learned them the hard way." He sobered quickly and added, "I'm not here to give you wholesome fatherly advice. I'm here to tell you that if you continue on this dangerous path, you will lose yourself forever. Everything that is good and honorable about Cole Turner will be destroyed. Do you really want that? Are you truly willing to give it all up?"
"She doesn't want me," Cole confessed in a hoarse voice. "Life without her"
"Would still have meaning," Benjamin completed. "There's more to life, son, than the love of one woman."
Cole looked at his father with surprise, "I thought you liked Phoebe. Last year, when we were alone, you told me so. You even said she --"
"Reminded me of your mother," Benjamin interrupted with a smile. "She didShe does. She has that spark, that freshness, that strength. She seems the perfect match for you. But"
"But I ruined everything," Cole sighed.
Benjamin patted his son on the shoulder. "She doesn't blame you entirely. She understands that there were forces involved that went far beyond either of your control. However, whether it was the Source or simply your true-self trying to make the best of a bad situation, you did hurt her. And she hasn't had time to recover."
"I left her alone all summer!" Cole exclaimed. "And I've wanted to talk. Nothing else but to simply talk about what happened. She didn't want it. I've tried to keep my distance. I've even gone away. It's what she wanted. All I asked in return was a little hope. Something to let me know we still had a chance."
"She's not ready for that," his father told him. "She may never be ready. What happened to her, what happened to you both, shook her to her very core. With all the pressures of her new job and the changes within her family, she's trying to come to terms with all that happened, not just to you or your relationship but to herself. She's no longer the same woman she was last year. She may never be again. Just as you will never again be the man you once were. You both need time to adjust. Time apart. Time to figure out what you want from life and where you want to go next."
"That's what I'm afraid of," Cole whispered. His father looked at him and he hesitantly explained, "That time will only push us further apart until there's nothing left for us to come back to."
"Perhaps," Benjamin gently agreed, "it will. Perhaps all you'll be able to do is cherish the memories of the brief time you were together. Butperhaps you'll find a new path, one that leads you once again to each other." Cole silently shook his head. "Son, right now, you have to leave Phoebe to herself and concentrate on yourself. You need to clean up your act, get your head together, and move forward." He saw the puzzled look on Cole's face and asked, "What is it?"
"That's something Mother once told me," Cole admitted.
"Who do you think she learned it from?" Benjamin smiled.
"I was ten and had just been beaten by three demons who were younger than me and Iwell," Cole recalled, "I suppose I was sulking. But she had no sympathy for me. She simply told me that I would have to be better next time, after I got my act together and moved on. She had no tolerance for excuses."
"She was right," Benjamin agreed. Cole again looked at him with surprise. "She may have been a demon but your mother and I agreed about quite a lot," he explained with a smile. "We made quite the pair. We both had tempers, were both strategists, were both well educated, had wicked senses of humor, and, of course, were both attractive." He matched his son's uncomfortable look with one of feigned innocence, "You didn't think it was purely a practical union did you? No, your mother's appetite quite matched my own." He laughed at Cole's unpleasant reaction, "Have no fear, it wasn't just lust between us." Benjamin's eyes took on a faraway look and he softly added, "We had genuine affection and love for one another."
"She was a demon," Cole uttered in surprise.
"So were you," Benjamin countered, "and that didn't stop you, did it?"
Cole rolled his eyes. "Well, she never spoke of you. Never answered any of my questions. She simply said that you were her one moment of weakness and that I should never let that happen to me."
"She was protecting herself," Benjamin told him. "And protecting you, in her own way."
"Yeah, well," Cole snorted, "it didn't work too well, did it?"
"Love hurts," Benjamin sighed, "because love means relinquishing all control. You can't consciously decide whom to fall in love with and you can't consciously force someone to fall in love with you. It happens when it happens and there's nothing you can do about it. But it doesn't make you weak."
"It doesn't seem worth it," Cole quietly commented as he stared out at the city.
Benjamin laughed, "You and Phoebe do make quite the pair." He saw he had Cole's attention and continued, "Haven't you realized yet, she wouldn't be in such pain right now if she didn't love you so much?" He didn't let Cole interrupt and quickly added, "Don't get your hopes up, son. Sometimes love isn't enough. You both may have to accept that and move on."
"Sounds like you're talking more than just about me," Cole guessed.
"Perhaps," Benjamin murmured as he stopped speaking and stared out at the view before him. After a few moments of silence, he told his son, "I was eighteen when I met her and she was --"
"Mother?" Cole interrupted with surprise.
"No," Benjamin smiled, "Someone else. Her name was Louisa Maria de la Vega. She was fifteen and her family had just come up from Mexico. I think my heart stopped the first moment I saw her. But she was more than just beautiful. She was witty and charming and smart. We spent a lot of time together. All proper, of course. We went on outings and picnics. We could sit for hours and talk about anything and everything and sometimes nothing at all. For her sixteenth birthday, I was going to propose marriage."
"What happened?" Cole asked with interest.
"One spring day, about a month before her birthday, she came to me crying," Benjamin recalled. "Her parents had just informed her that they'd arranged with acquaintances from home that she would marry their son who had moved to Los Angeles to start his own ranch. She'd never met the young man, had never even met the parents, and didn't want to go. I offered to marry her right then and there. Suddenly, her tears were all gone and I received the most radiant of smiles. She was in my arms before I'd managed to get off my knee. Unfortunately, we got carried away by our emotions and we" he looked at Cole, "let's just see we lost all track of time and space until her older brother caught us together. I insisted I wanted to marry Louisa but Ricardo was enraged. He was hurting her and she saw I was about to strike him. She begged me not to, that he wouldn't hurt her and that she could manage him. As he dragged her away, I promised that I'd talk to her father. That we'd marry and be together forever."
"Her father refused to listen," Cole guessed.
Benjamin nodded sadly. "They sent her to Los Angeles that very night. As soon as I found out, I left for the city and tried to find her. And I did."
"You weren't in time, were you? They forced her into a quickie marriage so that she wouldn't be free to leave with you," Cole supposed.
"They tried," Benjamin replied in a hoarse voice. "But she"
"Ran away?" Cole asked in an unsure tone.
Benjamin shook his head and stared out at the city. "Louisa couldn't bear the thought of becoming another man's wife," he croaked. He cleared his throat and waited a moment before he continued, "A stranger's wife in a strange city. Away from her family and friends. Away from me. When they left her alone to dress for the wedding, she tookshe took a pair of sewing scissors and cut her wrists. By the time someone came to bring her to the ceremony, my beautiful Louisa was already gone. I had been a week too late. One damn week"
"I'm sorry," Cole sincerely told his father.
"Son, I know first-hand how painful love can be," Benjamin stated as he turned towards Cole. "Like you, like Phoebe, I had thought it wasn't worth it. I came home from Los Angeles and swore I would never fall in love again," he confessed. "I swore I would never again feel that pain and I would never be cause for anyone else to feel that pain. So I had casual dalliances with women. I made it clear from the start I wasn't interested in anything but a good time and I never lacked a delightful companion. The older I got, the easier it became to hide myself beneath a superficial charming layer. I had almost forgotten what it was like to beme. Until"
"Mother," Cole realized.
"The moment I met her, I knew something was different," he admitted. "I hadn't felt that way since Louisa. And I didn't want to. I tried not to. But your motherShe had this way about her and I was drawn to her. I found myself opening to her in a way I never imagined. And I washappy. No one could've been more surprised than me. Everything I worked so hard against having happen had happened. I found myself in love. I couldn't have ended things with her if I'd tried."
"She took care of that," Cole muttered, "didn't she?"
"I told you," Benjamin snapped, "that was an accident."
"Mother doesn'tdidn't miss," Cole retorted.
"Your mother and I argued that night," Benjamin sighed, "about you. About your safety. She realized she'd been finally been tracked down by a demon. Raynor, I believe, and we --"
"What?" Cole gasped. "Raynor? She never saidWhy didn't she tell me?"
"You know of him?" Benjamin asked.
"He became my mentor," Cole explained. "After shedied. He trained me, led me into the Brotherhood. Raynor was the one who held your soul."
"Ah," Benjamin uttered. "I hope you made it painful for him." Cole looked at him with surprise and he clarified, "If not for his interference, we'd have gotten away. We'd have been together. I loved your mother. She hid nothing from me. Nothing."
"But she was" Cole began.
"A demon," Benjamin nodded. "I know and I found a way to accept it. She found ways to suppress her urges. Occasionally, she'd slip butI loved her, Cole, and she loved me. We'd created a world of our own and were happy. We had each other and we had you."
"Until Raynor found her," Cole commented.
"I wanted to pick up and move to another city," Benjamin admitted. "Find somewhere where you'd both be safe."
"Mother didn't run," Cole frowned. "She would've taken her chances with Raynor."
"She insisted we had a better chance on our home ground," Benjamin wistfully recalled. "We came up with a plan to --"
"I know," Cole interrupted, "you told me. But it still backfired and you ended up dead. Raynor took your soul and Mother raised me a demon. So how does this help me? It only proves again that love isn't worth it. Maybe Phoebe was right. Maybe I can't change being a demon. Maybe I'm meant to be evil. Maybe there's nothing anyone can do about it and I should just embrace it. Maybe that's been my problem. Maybe if I finally accept the truth, I'll be --"
Benjamin interrupted as he muttered, "If you aren't the most willful, most stubborn -- you haven't heard a word I've said! You may be older than me and you may think you've seen it all but there are still one or two things about life that I know better than you. And there's one thing I am certain about." He watched Cole to make sure his son was paying attention and he carefully spoke, "Love is worth it. Every happy moment and every single painful moment is worth it. Your mother believed it. Deep down, Phoebe believes it." Benjamin saw Cole shake his head and emphasized, "You have to believe it too."
"Why?" Cole insisted as he raised his arms in frustration. "So I can relish the pain? So my meaningless life will be filled with misery?"
"Because it's love that gives your life meaning," Benjamin declared, "and not just love for one woman. If you're not meant to be with Phoebe then it won't happen. And you'll move on. You'll help people. You'll find beauty in the world and you'll find someone new to love. Someone new to share your thoughts and opinions with. You don't have to be alone in this world unless you choose to be. And why would you want to punish yourself like that? You're a good man, son, you just have to believe in yourself."
"Such a romantic," Cole accused, "making it seem so easy."
"You make it seem like it's a sin," Benjamin sighed again in frustration. "Nothing good in life comes easy. If it does, you'd better be suspicious." He saw the surprise on Cole's face and smiled, "She got that from me too."
"You still love her," Cole suddenly realized.
Benjamin nodded, "Just as you will still love Phoebe no matter what happens. Just as she will still love you." He tugged on Cole's arm, "Come, show me the city. I've only got until tomorrow night and there's so much I wish to see again."
"Tomorrow night?" Cole asked in a quiet tone.
"Twenty-four hours," his father admitted. "But it's enough. It's more than enough. To be here. To spend time with you. It's worth every moment. It'll be worth it even when we have to say good-bye."
Cole sadly nodded and his father began to lead him inside. But Cole suddenly stopped and, when his father looked at him in question, he impulsively hugged his father tightly.
Benjamin rubbed his son's back in comfort and assured his son, "I love you, Cole. I have from the moment your mother told me you were expected and I will continue to love you. Death cannot stop love. It's more powerful than you can even imagine. Remember that."
Cole nodded and pulled away. He wiped at his eyes and, in a choked voice, said, "Come on, the city awaits."
"Get your act together and move on," Benjamin gently reminded him. Cole slowly nodded and Benjamin wrapped his arm around Cole's shoulder, "So, tell me, in this century, where does one go to get some action?" Cole looked back at his father in shock and Benjamin laughed heartily, "I'm just kidding, son.You should've seen the look on your face."
Cole glared at his father but found himself beginning to smile. Twenty-four hours with his father. His father. He'd make the most of them. Everything else in his life could wait. His father was here. And they were together.
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