Based on the great Lord of the Rings Very
secret diaries by the equally great Cassie Claire. NOT to be taken seriously!
At all! I don't want flames bitching about the way I've made the characters or
anything stupid. Purely for amusement ^_^
The secret diary of Ryushi
Day one
Had big fight with Kia again. Kia boasting just cause she has won sixty times in a row. Stupid Kia. Hasn't let me win since the Areki thing. Suspect she is still mad. Can't help it if am irresistible to common stable workers.
Father and Takami coming home later. Hoping father will leave Takami in city, as do not want him flicking silly girly ponytail in my face.
Later
Father and Takami back. Kia gone off with Ty. So obvious she just wants to make Takami jealous. We all saw him after Ty was found behind stable with Mitamo after last year's new year's party. Heh heh. Like Kia.
Father also brought back little girl who eats her own hair. She must not like father's wyvern meat pasties. Do not blame her, as found tooth and half eaten mouse in mine last week. Wish Aunt Susa would not let father into kitchen. Father obsessed with the usefulness of wyverns.
Day two
Little girl acting clingy to Kia. Kia being boring. "No Ryushi, no battle practice today, showing Elani around," "I can't practice today Ryushi, I'm looking after Elani," "Ryushi, stop hanging Elani over the cliff, I will NOT come and practice with you!"
Stupid Kia. Stupid little girl.
Day three
Takami being v. smug about going to city. Wouldn't tell me anything, but heard him boasting to stable boys about how he met some pretty blonde girl. Probably a drag queen.
Father forcing me to look after little girl. Said if I didn't he would send me to work for his business associates in the city. Even showed me uniform. Suspect father's business associates v. shady bunch, if workers wear *that*
Will protect little girl with life to stay out of skimpy leather clothes. Not my thing.
Tried to cut off Takami's silly girly ponytail, but was pushed into bull wyvern's stable. Bull wyvern over friendly during mating season. Need. Bath.
Hate Takami.
Day four
Lots of people running around shouting. Nasty beetle-men running around blowing things up. I wanted to be a guardsman when I was little, but father made me join the stable scouts. Hate Father.
Saved little girl from walking rag-pile with claws. Go me! Never doing laundry again.
Pretended to be exhausted so Ty and Kia would carry me to stables. Am sure Ty was feeling my ass. Had to convince Kia to let us fly off without Ty, Takami or father. Bull wyvern brought back bad memories. Never got the stains out of outfit.
Some guy in a mask cut off father's head. Yay! No more wyvern meat pasties or threats of being sent to icky business associates! But was v. sad when realised Aunt Susa dead, no more cake!
Ha! Takami got captured or died, Takami got captured or died!
Suppose is not that funny really. Was surprised to find will miss silly girly ponytail. Oh well. Kia being very scary. Ran off somewhere and left me with little girl. Decided was v. sad that home was destroyed. My porn stash! My love notes from stable workers! My cuddly sleepy bedtime huggy pal Mr Happypants! MR HAPPYPANTS!
Shed manly tears. Men cry too!
Day five
Flew around a bit. Girls so bad at directions, so ended up over the sea instead of Tusami city. Silly little girl. Met "uncle" Hochi. Suspect either Hochi is pervert or has a lot of brothers and sisters judging from the amount of kids running around there. That or he dresses up as a clown for children's parties.
Hochi told us father was a traitor to the king. Must admit, saw it coming. No matter what someone says about how great someone is, having a dartboard with their picture on it makes you believe slightly different. Am now on the run from evil king. Damn.
Shed manly tears. I am in touch with my feminine side!
Day six
Kia being very scary. Killed a couple of beetle-men. Oh well. Ran around Tusami city a bit, got stuck there, little girl used freaky time-powers to take us to another dimension, so on.
Met another of little girl's "uncles" Nothing like Hochi. Strangely attractive…
Kirins are hot.
Day nine
Cannot get over the pain of losing porn stash and Mr Happypants. Spent last two days in hut crying. Also miss stable boys.
Day ten
Over the stable boys. Met pretty girl called Calica. Suspect normal chat up lines will not work. "You, behind the stables in five minutes. Bring a friend." Wah. Must be cunning!
Ah forget it, she probably doesn't like me any way…
Day twenty
Am having to have lessons from small leathery thing called Ogara-jin. Am spending quality time with my sister. We shall see who kicks whose ass when I have mastered my spirit stones.
Ahahahaha!
Day thirty
Calica not responding to flirtatious looks. Unfortunately Otomo is. What is it with father's old friends?
Day thirty-three
Hiding in hut to avoid Otomo.
Day forty-two
Went for a walk to mines. V. hot. Kia being very scary. Ogara-jin made us watch half-naked little boys running around. What is with these people?!
Got back, Calica told us Ty was still alive and in prison. Asked if we could get a lawyer. Am fond of Ty. Everyone made me stand in the corner while they discussed important plans. Hate everyone.
Am going on rescue mission! Yay! Wonder where we are going?
Day forty-five
Hate rescue missions. First have Hochi and Tochaa bitching at each other, then GIANT spider things! HATE spider things! Kia being v. scary. Keeps ranting about Ty. Will here, look pretty and pretend to not be looking at Tochaa's ass while he watches Keriags.
Later
Pakpaks not good in high speed chases.
Miss "I'm-the-best-tactician-and-fighter-so-you-have-to-do-what-I-say"'couldn't keep golem going.
Ha!
But cause perfect Kia FAILED big icky spider things chased us. And guess who had to stay behind with Kia and run like Hochi after dinner? Am best brother in world.
Fell in hole. Nearly got stabbed. Kia buried meee! Would tell father, but father dead. Got soil in perfect hair! Stupid Kia.
Slept in cave. Cave SO not comfy. Had to use Gerdi for pillow. Think Hochi would have been comfier, but will not sleep near him for all the spirit stones in the Dominions.
Day forty-six
Woke up to find Tochaa leaning over me. Was V. happy for moment until realised he was just waking us all up. Damn, got hopes up for nothing. At least it *was* just hopes up.
Kia smash wall, had to carry her through icky prison place, got chased, fight, went down slide, whee! Got wet, yucky! Had to sleep in *another* cave. This one was prettier though. Used weakened-Kia for pillow.
It is times like this I miss my old life. I know he's looking out for me, up there somewhere…I miss him so bad… Mr Happypants!
Shed manly tears. Others slept. "Accidentally" threw little girl on top of Tochaa. That kid sleeps through anything. Tochaa V. comforting. YAY!
Day forty-seven
Saw lots of dead bodies, super-icky! Tried to cover little girl's eyes cause she was watching Gerdi taking piss, but little girl bit me.
Little girls are EVIL!
Got chased by scary monsters! Icky! Others saved me. Am lucky am so popular.
Met multi-coloured guy called Whist. Attractive, but not as pretty as Tochaa. Certainly not as sexy as me. Go me! Must be careful, could be future competition.
Also has huge…dog…Dog bit me. Stupid dog.
Went to Whist's "home" which was nasty little shack on lake. Remind me never to be his roommate. Went to sleep for a bit. Woke up and Kia and Gerdi had gone off with Whist somewhere. Feel left out. Going to sulk now.
I just want attention…
Day forty-eight
Whist sucks. Was captured cause of stupid evil Whist. Hope will not have to shag way out, as Fallen Sun tribe all very smelly and not sexy at all. And what's with all the blue and red? Making my eyes hurt!
Found Ty. Yay! Kia happy again! Ty not cute no more! No hair and multi-coloured. Wonder what Takami would think? Probably sulking in his grave.
Want to go home, but have to help steal an earring that belonged to King Macaan. Boooring! Will let everyone else work, want to sleep.
Wonder where Tochaa is..?
Day forty-nine
Plan didn't quite work. Got caught and nearly killed horribly. Stupid Kettin. Told Kia to make deal, trade her body for our freedom. Kia kneed me and told me to shut the fuck up. Hate Kia. Was only trying to be helpful.
Escaped anyway cause big scary spider things came and stabbed everything. Iffy moment with really big thing trying to eat us, but escaped okay. Little girl brought back big machine. Cool! Wanted to have a go at driving but Ty wouldn't share. Mean.
Ate rice while Gerdi fetched Calica. Got hug from Calica! Go me! Gave Calica earring. Failed to mention Kettin had swallowed it for protection. Calica only slightly traumatised. Aww, now going to war! Just got back too! Stupid war.
Day fifty-one
Everyone rushing around preparing for war. Hid in hut till Kia came and dragged me out. Stupid Kia. No need to called me useless lazy slob. Am not a slob! I look after my appearance thank you!
Day fifty-three
War! I got to fly a wyvern! Flew around a bit then had to go inside big Ley Warren thingies and fight nasty spider things. Felt sorry for little girl so let her stick close while I kicked ass.
Tochaa dead! Am V.V.V. sad. Will always remember that night in the cave, when he said…what did he say again?
Damn.
Didn't see myself, as fell down hole with little girl. Hear he got himself stabbed. Silly Tochaa. Am annoyed with Hochi since he got to hug Tochaa and I didn't.
Am V. shocked. Met mask-guy who cut off Father's head. It was only Takami! Had a little chat, got caught up. Turns out blonde drag queen was actually V. important. Managed to get Takami some land. Told him that was no reason to go on killing spree. Got V. shirty and started acting all superior and more-powerful-than-thou.
Then evil bastard pulled out the head of Mr Happypants!
Hate Takami! HATE HATE HATE Takami!
Had sword fight. Kicked Takami's ass. Ha! Another scary rag-claw beast appeared and started being bitchy. Said it was called Tatty-medallion or something. Got V. tired. Fell down and could not get up. Little girl kept kicking me in the groin until I stood up and pretended to be better. HA! Stupid Tatty-medallion! I are greatly smarter than him! Go me!
Beaten up Takami dragged off by Tatty-medallion. Wonder if something going on there. Everyone always said Takami wasn't like the other boys…
Think mission went quite badly after my stunning victory. Ended up in the dark place. Now have to go and hide in countryside of Dark place. Am sure it will be nice a relaxing.
It won't be dangerous right? Right?
Shed manly tears. For Tochaa, and for Mr Happypants. You shall be avenged Mr Happypants! You shall be avenged!
End o' part 1