Shades of Grey
Sydney walked across the wet grass. The sun had set and darkness and claimed the sky. In the half light remaining she could easily make out the rows of headstones lined up in neat rows across the field before her. The wet earthy smell filled her senses as she inhaled deeply. It was not a sad breath that she took. She had not come to mourn the dead.
She slowly maneuvered herself towards the familiar grave of her dead fiancé. The wet ground caused her heels to sink slightly with every step and more so when she was standing directly in front of the grave. She gave in to gravity and knelt on the wet grass. The cold from the ground quickly caused her to shiver but she did not get up. With her hand she lightly traced Danny's name. I miss you so much, she thought. She let the loneliness fill her until she thought she would burst. But in truth, it wasn't just Danny that she was lonely for. Her life suddenly felt empty.
She realized she missed her friends but they were just at home. She missed Vaughn, but he was just probably out with his girlfriend. She missed having a family even though she knew exactly where her immediate blood relatives were.
But why do I miss this all now? This has been my life for the past year. In the half-light remaining she saw long shadows falling across the graves and noticed that they obscured many details. She also noticed that the bright colored flowers on Danny's grave didn't seem so bright. In fact Sydney was hard pressed to make out their original colors. She knew they were roses and that they should be a lovely red, but instead they looked murky and gray. And then she realized a truth. That before she had always had the belief that she was doing this for some higher cause. It had been for God and Country at first. Later after Danny, it had been to get revenge for what they had done. These ideals, these causes had made noble all the lies and deceits that she had to carry out. They had justified all the lies that she had placed between herself and her friends, they had given her righteousness that she could use to judge her father and hate her mother. They had given her an excuse to hold Vaughn at arm's length. She was better then all that.
And then she had lied to save her mother from death and father from prison. And then she had been willing to help kill a man to save another. Been willing to kill a man you hate to save a man you love she tossed out to herself, forcing herself to say the truth. She had not done any of these things for her country. Nor had she done these things to bring down SD-6. She had done these things for her own selfish reasons and she knew that she would do them again if she had to. In the space of a few weeks she had sacrificed her ideals for what? To become her parents' daughter.
Did she have the right to judge them anymore? Was her mother really evil or had she been following orders that she thought were right? Was her father horrible because he tested Project Christmas on her when she was a child, when he was only trying to protect her? Was Arvin Sloane the devil himself, just because he had killed his dying wife? Because he'd had Danny killed? Because he traded weapons and intel for profit? After all, probably even he had a reason for all that he did. The twilight darkened as the sun set. She shuddered from the cold and her thoughts, am I really like Sloane? She shook her head violently, no, no, no I'm not like him, I didn't do it for me just for me, I did it to save them; even though I need them. But she was unsure if she could still find some dividing line between herself and the people she did not want to be like. Her life was no longer black and white. She felt the cool cement under her hand and realized that she was still touching the gravestone. She removed her hand and shifted her weight so that she sat on the grass. The darkness was complete and all she could see was gray crosses and plaques dotting the landscape, silhouetted against a lighter gray sky. And over and over and over again, the phrase that kept ringing in her head was I am my parents' daughter.
I am my parents' daughter.
And finally with that thought Sydney could do nothing but hang her head and let the tears gush out.
Sydney walked across the wet grass. The sun had set and darkness and claimed the sky. In the half light remaining she could easily make out the rows of headstones lined up in neat rows across the field before her. The wet earthy smell filled her senses as she inhaled deeply. It was not a sad breath that she took. She had not come to mourn the dead.
She slowly maneuvered herself towards the familiar grave of her dead fiancé. The wet ground caused her heels to sink slightly with every step and more so when she was standing directly in front of the grave. She gave in to gravity and knelt on the wet grass. The cold from the ground quickly caused her to shiver but she did not get up. With her hand she lightly traced Danny's name. I miss you so much, she thought. She let the loneliness fill her until she thought she would burst. But in truth, it wasn't just Danny that she was lonely for. Her life suddenly felt empty.
She realized she missed her friends but they were just at home. She missed Vaughn, but he was just probably out with his girlfriend. She missed having a family even though she knew exactly where her immediate blood relatives were.
But why do I miss this all now? This has been my life for the past year. In the half-light remaining she saw long shadows falling across the graves and noticed that they obscured many details. She also noticed that the bright colored flowers on Danny's grave didn't seem so bright. In fact Sydney was hard pressed to make out their original colors. She knew they were roses and that they should be a lovely red, but instead they looked murky and gray. And then she realized a truth. That before she had always had the belief that she was doing this for some higher cause. It had been for God and Country at first. Later after Danny, it had been to get revenge for what they had done. These ideals, these causes had made noble all the lies and deceits that she had to carry out. They had justified all the lies that she had placed between herself and her friends, they had given her righteousness that she could use to judge her father and hate her mother. They had given her an excuse to hold Vaughn at arm's length. She was better then all that.
And then she had lied to save her mother from death and father from prison. And then she had been willing to help kill a man to save another. Been willing to kill a man you hate to save a man you love she tossed out to herself, forcing herself to say the truth. She had not done any of these things for her country. Nor had she done these things to bring down SD-6. She had done these things for her own selfish reasons and she knew that she would do them again if she had to. In the space of a few weeks she had sacrificed her ideals for what? To become her parents' daughter.
Did she have the right to judge them anymore? Was her mother really evil or had she been following orders that she thought were right? Was her father horrible because he tested Project Christmas on her when she was a child, when he was only trying to protect her? Was Arvin Sloane the devil himself, just because he had killed his dying wife? Because he'd had Danny killed? Because he traded weapons and intel for profit? After all, probably even he had a reason for all that he did. The twilight darkened as the sun set. She shuddered from the cold and her thoughts, am I really like Sloane? She shook her head violently, no, no, no I'm not like him, I didn't do it for me just for me, I did it to save them; even though I need them. But she was unsure if she could still find some dividing line between herself and the people she did not want to be like. Her life was no longer black and white. She felt the cool cement under her hand and realized that she was still touching the gravestone. She removed her hand and shifted her weight so that she sat on the grass. The darkness was complete and all she could see was gray crosses and plaques dotting the landscape, silhouetted against a lighter gray sky. And over and over and over again, the phrase that kept ringing in her head was I am my parents' daughter.
I am my parents' daughter.
And finally with that thought Sydney could do nothing but hang her head and let the tears gush out.