Chapter 4
It was six months since we'd left Earth. We were in Kelbrid space, and we didn't find anything. No Blade ship. No weird-looking alien ship. Six months, and we found absolutely nothing.
I was starting to doubt whether these Kelbrid actually existed. It could have been a myth, and the Andalites simply didn't know it. Perhaps the Ellimist had created the story of the Kelbrid to keep the Andalites from exploring certain areas of space.
I had almost given up on hoping Ax. Even if we found the Blade ship, he'd probably be dead by now. It'd been a long time since he'd been captured.
But I still hoped.
There wasn't much to do on the ship. Marco had brought a few DVDs and some computer games, but I didn't care for games, and you can only watch the same movies over and over so many times.
Marco and Jake hung out most of the time. They were best friends, so I guess they could talk about things. I wondered if they ever spoke about me behind my back. They probably did. I didn't care.
Santorelli and Jeanne mostly kept to themselves. It must have been terrible for them. They probably had families who would never know what happened to their children. But they volunteered. No one forced them to go.
Mendaresh was often out on the bridge, checking the sensors for any sign of the Blade ship. He seemed to only speak if someone asked him a question about the ship.
What could I say? He had lost his entire crew, and he had decided to permanently become a human and abandon his Andalite body. That's worse than what happened to me.
We all learned how to fly the Rachel. It was cool, learning how to navigate a spaceship. I morphed to human when it was my turn to learn. During our lessons, Mendaresh became a totally different person. Instead of being a quiet guy, he was like a crazy general or something.
I yearned for the open sky. The ship was too restrictive, and I had to flap my wings a lot to get around. The sky, the trees, the sun, the thermals. Replaced by a low ceiling and black space.
Most of the time, I was perched somewhere on the bridge. I spoke to Mendaresh sometimes. He was a lonely guy, and I kept him company.
I flew to the bridge. I had just eaten some food. It tasted worse than anything I'd ever had.
Mendaresh was sitting there, staring out the window. He seemed to be concentrating on something that was far away. I didn't disturb him.
Suddenly, he said, "Hello, Tobias."
Hey, I said. Are you okay? You seemed to be kind of zoned out there.
"I was downloading my hirac dilest to the ship's computers."
Hirac dilest? What's that?
"It is one's final statement before they die."
I looked at him. Why was he making his final statement when he didn't know when he was going to die?
"You probably are wondering why I did this," Mendaresh said, as if he had read my mind. "For many days, I have sensed a dark void somewhere out there. It seems to be approaching us. I am not sure what it is, but I know when we contact it, the end will be near. I want my people to know what happened here." He paused. "And when the moment of death is near, I will send the end of my life's story. Hopefully, my people can learn much from my life, and my death."
Dark void? I had felt nothing. Maybe it was an Andalite thing.
Mendaresh was being way too pessimistic. But he said it with such conviction…
No offense, but I hope you're wrong. I don't want to die, I said. I couldn't think of anything else to say.
"What is my life worth?" Mendaresh asked. "My ship was destroyed. My captain, the great Prince Aximili, was captured. I am surely disgraced for that action alone." He stopped, and looked down at his hands. "And I am stuck in this body! Only two legs, two eyes, and no form of self-defense. If we save Prince Aximili, I may be forgiven. But I would be an outcast on my own world."
I understood where he came from. Even so, when I was first trapped as a hawk, my friends didn't think I was useless. I was a great asset to them, even though I could not morph.
Suddenly, a buzzing noise was made. Mendaresh picked something up. It looked like some kind of telephone.
"Yes? Of course, Captain," Mendaresh said. He put the phone thing down. "Tobias, Captain Jake would like to speak to you in his quarters."
Okay, I said, surprised. I hadn't spoken to Jake at all since we boarded the Rachel, and I tried to avoid him as much as possible. I still thought I hated him.
I flew around the ship a little until I found Jake's room. The door was already open. I soared in and landed on a chair.
Jake got up and closed the door. Marco was sitting on the bed, rubbing his eyes. Why was he here? Mendaresh had said Jake wanted to talk to me.
Jake returned and sat next to Marco. He looked at Marco. Marco nodded slightly. Jake sighed and began to speak.
"Could you morph to human, Tobias? I'd rather talk to you as your…" Jake's voice trailed off. "As your normal self."
This is my normal self, I said coldly. Probably a little too rudely. It didn't matter.
"Tobias, Jake wants you to morph to human. He would prefer to talk to you that way," Marco clarified.
I didn't respond, but I started morphing to human anyways. In a couple of minutes, I had changed from my red-tail hawk form to a human boy.
Actually, my body was more that of a human man. I would be nineteen right now, if I remembered correctly. I was wearing my spandex bike shorts and a skintight t-shirt. It itched.
"Tobias, Marco and I have been talking for a while," Jake began. "I know that you're probably still mad at me for sending Rachel with Tom. I just wanted you to know that I miss Rachel, too. You should know what I went through after the war. For a whole year after the end, I did nothing."
I sat up, curiosity seeping into my mind. I didn't really know what Jake had done after the war.
Why was I even interested? He killed Rachel. Was he going to say it wasn't his fault now? Still, I listened.
Shut up, a voice said.
You already know what he did, Tobias, another voice said. He got Rachel killed. He tried to hide it from you! You shouldn't trust him.
Give him a chance, the first voice said. He carried the burden of leadership for a long time, and he made mistakes. Maybe he's realized what he's done wrong.
He's an arrogant jerk, the other voice said. No one like him deserves a second chance.
"I hung around at my parent's house, hoping somehow that Tom would come back," Jake started off. "Each afternoon, I would drive up to Rachel's memorial. Always after hours, because I didn't want to attract any attention. I would go to her memorial and sit there. I would remember the times when she saved our butts, I'd remember her saying 'Let's do it' as we were about to charge off to fight. I'd sit at that memorial for hours, looking out on the ocean, and remembering those memories. Remembered the good times, the bad times, all of them. I was waiting for you to come back, Tobias. I knew you hated me for what I did. I don't blame you. But I wanted to you to know that I was sorry, and I hope you accept that." Jake bit his lip, as though he was holding back tears.
See? the first voice said. He's sorry for what he did.
It's all an act, the second voice said. You really think you're going to believe him?
Give him a chance, the first voice said.
He doesn't deserve it, the second voice countered.
What was I supposed to believe? Was Jake truly sorry? Or was he just faking it so he would be back in my good graces? I didn't know.
I pictured the scene Jake told me about. I saw Jake sitting at the base of Rachel's memorial, twirling his keys around.
See, he only went because of the nice view!
I removed the keys from the scene in my imagination.
Jake was there, staring out over the ocean, looking at something that no longer existed. Occasionally, he glanced up at the sky, trying to spot a red-tail hawk. Never did he find it. After awhile, he got up and drove away.
He was sorry for what he did to you, Tobias.
I nodded. I realized I was crying, something I did a lot as a human. I thought I came out of the war the worst. Jake went through a worse time. He had lost his brother, and his cousin.
Yeah, I thought, he did have it hard. It was tough for him.
It reminded me of what he had to do during the war. He was the leader, but he had no idea what he was doing. Jake didn't want to be the leader, but he was the grown-up, responsible one. We looked to him when he made those calls that could kill us, or keep us alive. I sometimes wondered how he did it. But he didn't have any special skill for leadership. He was just a kid, like all of us were. And after the war, he felt the effects of his decisions catch up to him.
Marco spoke. "Tobias, you have to realize that Rachel…she isn't coming back. Nothing will change that. But I hope you realize that we're here for you. Jake and I, we both care for you, man. Even if you don't want to accept it, we are your friends, and if you're lonely, we'll always be available. We never left anyone to die on the battlefield, and we won't let you be lonely."
He's right, Tobias, the first voice said. She's not coming back.
There's always a chance Tobias. You have to keep the hope alive, the second voice answered.
Shut up, I told both voices.
It was true. Jake and Marco were my friends, even if I didn't want to. When the five of us first met up at the mall, we were just a group of people that had accidentally hooked up. A few minutes later, we were the closest of friends, even if we didn't know it.
I wiped my eyes dry. "Yeah. Thanks, guys. I…I never really thought about how the war affected you guys. I just thought that I ended up worse than I was before, and you guys were all better off. I guess it was a little selfish on my part."
Marco got up. "Well, it's my turn to watch on the bridge. Later, guys." He patted me on the back as he walked out of the room.
Jake stood up and ran his hands through his hair. "I hope you understand, Tobias. I'm really-"
"I know, Jake. I forgave you a long time ago. It just took a long time for me to realize that."
"Well," Jake said kind of awkwardly. "I'm going to catch a little sleep."
"Me, too," I said. All of a sudden, I felt worn out. How could I have been worn out from that conversation?
Jake flopped onto the bed and closed his eyes. I demorphed and perched on a rail.
I was asleep as soon as I closed my eyes.