Fandom: Gouhou Drug
Title: Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)
Pairing: Rikuou + Kazahaya
Rating: PG
Description: (obscurely clamp fic challenge) [Complete] Rikuou and Kazahaya have been assigned to search for a lost article...only strangely, it's lost within itself also...
Disclaimer: Yui doesn't own Gouhou Drug. The characters beside R and K are mine, though.
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)
by Miyamoto Yui
Part 5 – Kokoro no naka de… (Inside the heart…)
Exasperated, Kazahaya stared at the damaged notebook, breathing a bit heavily while trying to keep himself calm. This strange job was just getting weirder and weirder…
Opening the curtain of the hotel room, he stared out the window. He was somewhat lulled at the sight before him. The moon was shining and in a slight glimmer, through the crevices of spaces among the tall buildings before him, he saw the ocean.
Touching his hand to the transparent surface, he almost felt a part of the dark scene.
Rikuou came out of the bathroom with a towel over his head. Kazahaya quickly took his hand off the glass surface and got his robe quietly while walking over to have a shower too.
When he turned on the water, many questions went through his head and he tried to push them away.
Rikuou, who had saved him not to long ago, seemed to always be in sync with him. Yet, all they ever did was fight because they could never agree on anything. It was always something or other and they could never seem to resolve it unless it came to working on a job. That was the only time they understood one another.
Kazahaya had learned to depend on Rikuou, whom he couldn't quite touch with his heart. But through this job, the longer it went, the more he felt the words that brought Rikuou and him a bit closer were fading like the steam of the shower.
So, he pushed it all away. All he could think of were the faces of Kei, Tsukiko, and Rikuou looking very unhappy though they tried to smile with all their might.
Placing his hand on the tiles before him, he tried not to cry.
"There's something so wrong with this whole situation," he thought to himself. "We're playing a game for someone."
While waiting for Kazahaya to finish, Rikuou glanced at the notebook and touched it with his eyes closing as if in pain.
"Blood…" he commented, picking up the notebook and bringing it closer to his eyes. He placed his towel on the chair before him and sat on the bed while opening the notebook as Kazahaya came out of the bathroom with his white robe on.
With the sash firmly in place, his wet messy hair dripped to the floor and he didn't care. He sat by Rikuou at a loss for words as he looked at the notebook. Without instruction, he took Rikuou's right hand and began to scan the first page…
"September 12th, 19-
Today, I met someone quite strange today. I guess it was because he caught me off-guard and I wasn't without my brother to talk instead of me.
He wore a blue, cotton sweater and glasses. I thought he looked too homely, to say the least. It was very funny to glance at him because I never did that before.
There was just something about him that made him very charming.
This sounds very stupid, doesn't it? I sound like I'm from some kind of manga, or better yet, a girl."
Kazahaya took out the ID card and looked at it. "This wasn't a girl…?"
He continued as Rikuou read silently along with him.
"He was at the library today. Well, what would you expect from a literature professor? I found out from my brother because that was his teacher.
I was looking at 'Kokoro' and he was looking for it next to me.
Now that I think of it, I think I found his smile most pleasing. He had the most wonderful smile, as if everything was peaceful in his life.
I envied him for it.
'Do you like this book too?' he asked with a laugh while being a bit embarrassed.
'Yes, I read it quite often,' I answered with a smile. 'Then again, many people do.'
'But why do you like it?' he asked curiously as he took a copy off the shelf, the one next to the one I'd just picked up. 'Everyone has their own concept of it.'
I blinked at him. How strange, most people wouldn't ask me something like that. If my brother were here, he'd be the one answering instead of me.
I was never very good at telling my thoughts aloud.
'I like it because it cuts into the heart.' I smiled thoughtfully. 'Sensei knew that the student would leave him once the student found what he was looking for. But the student was just as lost on what to do with his life, and in the end, Sensei was wrong. The student, not knowing if he was alive or dead, left to go to the Sensei instead of staying with his own father. What I believe is that it isn't because he was still looking for answers to his questions, he wanted to keep what he knew about life and about Sensei, even if it was close to nothing.'
He looked at me and shook his head in confusion. 'What exactly do you mean?'
I didn't know how to explain myself very well, so I became quiet. I looked away and then I looked straight at him again while replying, 'The most unexpected things happen and even when people tell me there are reasons for it, I will never understand them and they will never understand why I believe that sometimes there are no reasons for important things such as life and death. To me, they sometimes just happen. Just like isolation. And so, you try to hold onto what you know.
People keep on looking for answers only to find that they must answer them themselves. They become troubled because there aren't any real answers, just ones to comfort yourself.'
Slowly, he nodded his head at me.
It was as if he understood me in some way.
I was touched. No one ever bothered before.
'What do you think about Kokoro?'
Sighing, he looked at his watch. 'I'm really sorry, but I have to go.'
He looked from side to side. With a sincere smile on his face, he took the book in my hands and took out a pencil. Then, he wrote where his office was.
'I hope that I'll be able to answer your question.'
Then, he left and I stood there wondering what an odd person he was."
Turning the page, they resumed reading.
"September 14th, 19—
I looked at the penciled message for a whole day and I looked at my older brother for an answer. But of course, he wouldn't give me one. I didn't even bother to ask because he would get curious as to why.
I couldn't understand if my brother enjoyed the instruction of this teacher or not because he always complained about him. The teacher always picked on him, but my brother had always been picked on. Being the popular one, he got into trouble often, whether it was his fault or not.
I can never understand Seiya. We are close and yet, he is so competitive with me. And in the end, he always gets what he wants, so I don't understand why he loves me so much and yet can act like he doesn't.
In the end, I saw Sensei, though.
Today, I quietly went to his office and he smiled while giving me a seat to sit in. I looked around his office and folded my hands after we introduced ourselves.
'I'm glad you came,' he commented as he sat down.
'I wanted to know why you liked 'Kokoro'.'
Looking straight at me, he answered, 'I love this book because it shows people's barriers. The ones that they put against one another because of circumstances beyond their control.'
I nodded. 'Wow, you had a shorter answer than I had.'
Comfortably, I laughed.
He shook his head as he grinned at me. 'No, it's just that I had lots of time to think about it all these years. I read this book at least once every two years and every time, I learn something new.'
And that started this whole conversation about themes and characters until we realized that it was getting late.
I never talked so much in my whole life."
Kazahaya and Rikuou read quickly as their deadline of eleven was approaching…
"October 17th, 19—
I kept on seeing him and I don't understand why. Maybe I do but I won't acknowledge it.
Every time I remember why he said he loved 'Kokoro', I keep on remember him saying it was because of people's barriers. This message gets stronger each time I talk to him.
I don't understand why though.
I talk to him because I learn so much from him. But with every visit, I keep on telling myself that there's something that shouldn't be there.
And then, I remember his facial expressions every time we meet. I don't completely understand him. And he seems to grow a little older, looking troubled as he talks to me.
I can't help but keep on talking to him. And I am more fascinated with what he has to say. Laughing, I told this to Seiya. But Seiya just shook his head and went to go partying as I tried to figure out how to prepare for choir. That's the only thing that I can do.
Unlike Seiya, my only talent is singing. I singing because it's the only thing that connects me to Seiya.
He tells me we're in sync whenever I sing to him. That I'm the most beautiful whenever I sing.
Nothing else matters to him. As for me, I'm able to sing loudly what he cannot hear when I talk to him.
Yes, as Sensei has said, I've put a barrier for my own brother…for everyone…
Seiya…
As he leaves, he has that gleam in his eye again. The one that tells me there is no good in what he's about to do.
I am afraid of him whenever he does this.
I will stop talking about Sensei to him because he might get jealous.
Today, I said nothing of my conversation with Sensei because I was confused. I was laughing while walking with him out of the library that we were like the student and sensei in Kokoro. I kept on going to him for knowledge while taught me about life.
'Why do you enjoy our time together?' he had asked me.
'Because you listen to me.' I honestly answered.
I think I should go sing now.
It's the only way I can vent loudly, yet softly…
This is the one thing I can never do for Sensei.
I can't sing for him.
My song is my own.
It is only for Seiya's ears because he doesn't listen carefully.
Sensei would understand and it would be too much to bear."
Reading more and more, Kazahaya and Rikuou started to piece the puzzle together and were a bit distressed as the 'end' of the entries came closer and closer.
"November 3rd, 19—
I want to know what Sensei really thinks of me. Sometimes, I don't know. He gets upset sometimes and I don't comprehend why. And I get upset whenever he strays off the subject of literature. As if I've become so possessive over him. What a dumb thought.
Nothing is making sense.
Seiya is being aloof as usual. Coming in here and ruffling my hair and then, he hugged me. 'You've been going out a lot.'
'Choir practice and all that. Nothing more than the usual.' I replied while looking at him.
'Don't lie to me,' he said with a tinge of harshness creeping into his voice.
'So, how was your day today?'
'Not so good. That damn lit professor kept on picking on me to answer. I showed him by knowing the answers to each question.'
I laughed. 'That's how he is.'
'How would you know?' He gave me a Look.
'Because that's what everyone says and I've talked to him about teaching because I'm thinking of really majoring in literature.'
In silence, we looked at the mirror before us.
'Why were we born as two people with the same face, Seiya?' I blurted out the question I'd always kept within my heart.
I held onto his arms as he squeezed my shoulders gently.
'I wish I knew, Kirisu.'
Then, I sang to him, 'The sea kept on whispering to me. A mirror of myself and then I saw you…'
'I love you, Kirisu.' He shook his head. 'Don't ever sing for anyone else but me. You are mine.'
Letting him go, I got up as he still stared at the mirror.
I kissed the mirror with my mouth on the lips of his reflection.
Don't you understand I sing because I can't say how much I love you, Seiya?"
Then, Kazahaya and Rikuou came to the last two pages and read…
"'Let's go out.' He told me. 'I'll meet you at the library entrance.'
I nodded slowly as he told me to wear something totally out of my character.
Innocently, I waited in front of the library. We went into the library together when he came. We went by Kokoro and I laughed while looking at the back saying, 'Maybe I should erase this pencil mark.'
He told me I shouldn't.
Sensei was acting strange…Very strange…
We left and he carried the books. Then, he went on his way and I went on mine.
We couldn't leave campus together, so we always met at the karaoke bar this way.
Seiya, would you be mad that I've opened up my world of music to Sensei?
I am already upset…
Because I've put a rival against you…
Sensei sang a song that he never sang before and I knew this trip was different from all the others we had.
Before, it was all in fun, but today, it was very melancholic.
I sang to him and I felt very sad inside…
I realized as I looked at him that I truly loved this person.
This person who was going to belong permanently to someone else. In less than a month.
When we were supposed to separate, he took my hand suddenly and we ran through the city. We ran all the way to his hotel room.
I told him that we shouldn't, but he told me that if he didn't do this, he'd regret it.
'Either way, I'll be damned,' he'd said to me while holding my shoulders. He was shaking from guilt but he shook his head too.
He looked deeply into me. "Kokoro…soul mates…not being with people you want to be with."
He kissed me.
Unlike the self I was for my twenty years of existence, this person named Kirisu doesn't appear before me in the mirror anymore.
I voluntarily committed a sin."
Stop.
Kazahaya hung his head and shook it from side to side, protesting, "I won't go this far for a job. I won't do as this journal says, Rikuou!"
It was too late. It was almost eleven, and they were going to act their parts in this play.
Kazahaya and Rikuou slowly let go of the journal and it fell to the ground when Rikuou pulled the sash of Kazahaya's robe, the robe slipping down his shoulders.
"It's just a kiss, Kazahaya…" Rikuou said unconvincingly as he pushed Kazahaya onto the bed with his hands pinning Kazahaya on each side.
Looking at Rikuou, he knew he couldn't resist.
"Think it's for Kei…" he thought to himself.
Leaning forward, Rikuou began to kiss Kazahaya.
Too far…
This was too far…
At that, Rikuou's eyes closed and his head fell on Kazahaya's shoulder. Kazahaya hugged him for a second and then pushed Rikuou off of him. Slipping to one side, he put some of the blanket on Rikuou, kissing him on the forehead and turning away from him.
Changing back into his clothes, Kazahaya took the notebook like a loving child into his hands.
Then, he left the hotel room.
He ran until he thought he was going to die from exhaustion, in a direction that only his feet knew where to go.
"Kokoro was about a man whose guilt pushed him out of society. And this same man was cared for by a student he had met on a beach. Sensei saw himself through this boy and tried to guide him to become the strong person he wasn't." Kazahaya whispered to himself as he passed the somewhat familiar buildings. "But was the student strong at all? For choosing to be by Sensei's side in the end instead of fulfilling his family obligations?"
The pieces of this contorted puzzle were coming together. But as they were, Kazahaya was losing feeling within his heart over the misery he felt for the teacher and the student.
"It ends in the middle, Kazahaya." Kei's voice kept on repeating in his mind as the echoes of his footsteps became louder on the empty streets.
The journal's entries had stopped right in the middle…
"I understand now. Kokoro was his heart. Singing was his soul." Looking at the notebook again, he answered himself. "This notebook was his mind. It was his conscience. The silent voice."
After miles of running, Kazahaya found himself back in the university. Passing by many windows, Kazahaya saw that his reflection was not his own anymore…
As he ran to a bridge, he stopped and stared down below it. The long distance of falling…
Falling into the river before him…
Kazahaya was no longer Kazahaya…
He had become Kirisu, the owner of the journal.
"Seiya, will you ever forgive me?" Kirisu whispered to himself.
Tsuzuku…
-
Author's note: Is it interesting enough for you? I hope so. I tried to remember that school uniform part in which Kazahaya had 'changed' and 'slept within' while asking Rikuou what had happened to him while he was unconscious.
I know this is very confusing. I just hope that I can pull it all together in the end. I'm not very good with details, but I hope that what is here is getting through? * smiles * Hey, this is actually much more simplified than my original stories. ^^;;; If you ever read 'the break in the hand', you'd get so confused because of reincarnation, different time periods, and the use of stream-of-consciousness. Not to mention that it's not Earth and their way of society is female-dominant.
As long as this chapter is, I'm still unsatisfied with it. I feel that I made it more complicated than I had originally intended. But I like it though. I just wish I was better at explaining things.
Kokoro is used as a pun here. It represents going into 'kokoro' the book, but also revealing the student's feelings. It also shows the feelings and bonds of Kazahaya and Rikuou.
January 13th, 2003