Fandom: Gouhou Drug
Title: Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)
Pairing: Rikuou + Kazahaya
Rating: PG
Description: (obscurely clamp fic challenge) [Complete] Rikuou and Kazahaya have been assigned to search for a lost article...only strangely, it's lost within itself also...
Disclaimer: Poems/Songs are mine. Natsume Soseki owns Kokoro and Mon. Clamp is the awesome group that made Gouhou Drug.
Nemuitteru kimi. (Sleeping you.)
by Miyamoto Yui
Part 6 – Reawaken.
Rikuou's eyes opened widely as he got up a little disoriented at finding himself in a robe in a hotel room. They opened a bit wider in alarm when he realized there was no sign of Kazahaya in the room with him.
Then, on the table, he saw his cell phone vibrating as if it were possessed. He reached out for it and read the text message:
"Return. You must return to where you first met."
It was from an anonymous caller whose number he didn't recognize, but he didn't have time to think about that though. What mattered most now was the danger of leaving Kazahaya all alone.
Kazahaya's powers may have been the strongest when he was 'weak' and/or well assimilated with his job, but that made him more vulnerable to everything around him.
No matter how much Kazahaya hated him for always taking a part of the pay for saving him all the time, this 'rescue' seemed to be part of the job description. So much so that Rikuou got used to doing it automatically.
That didn't mean that he never felt anxious though.
Deadpan as his expressions were to Kazahaya…
"Met…?" he said to himself.
After dressing quickly, he hailed a taxi and told the driver to head towards the university where Kazahaya and he were at just a few hours ago.
All the while, he wondered what the hell the message had meant. He stared at the phone in frustration and sighed as time ticked away. Mentally, it was driving him insane with worry.
Kazahaya could get into anything…
Like that last time when he almost drowned because of the fireflies…
And that other time…
When…
"Stop thinking about that, Rikuou," he thought.
As Rikuou was heading towards Kazahaya, the blond wasn't himself anymore, but had succumbed to the influence of the parallel dimension he'd been carefully thrust into.
And so, Kirisu gripped onto the bloodied journal while looking down at the river before him. He held the journal before him and began to read the last page.
"August 5th, 19-
While passing through a bridge, I caught a glance of that teacher Seiya said picked on him constantly. He couldn't understand why, but of course his pride and arrogance got in the way.
I love my brother, but I know him to the point that if I touched his bare chest with my hand over his heart, he won't ever be able to lie to me. Even if he looks at me with a straight face and deeply into my eyes.
If I didn't know him so well, I would say he loves that teacher. What else would explain actually taking the 'fights in class' and not snapping back as he usually would? Or taking his class again even though he'd said the teacher hated him?
But while glancing at the evil being that was making my brother turn his total attention away from me, I found him staring back at me.
With no malice. With no shame.
I was quite intrigued by him because of this.
He looked at me with such pure sincerity that I couldn't help but instantly change my opinions of him. Of course, I was still a little suspicious of him.
When I looked away in embarrassment, I lifted my eyes again to find him still looking at me. We both stood to each side of a bridge. That man stared at me as if there was nothing wrong with a thirty-year-old professor looking at a twenty-year-old male student.
Was he flirting with me or fascinated that he'd found my other half in his class?
I wanted to laugh. He probably thought I was Seiya anyway.
Most people meet him first, that's why.
Then, I turned away from the professor and left him standing there wondering whom he had seen.
And just now, just to assure myself that Seiya is still mine, I took up his collar. He never lets anyone else do that. No one could, with his strength.
I am stronger though.
While laughing, I kissed his lips seductively with half-opened eyes.
'Watch what you do,' I warned.
I let him go as he gave me a passive nod.
But if I see that you don't, Seiya, I will make sure to return you to me.
One way or the other."
Kirisu closed the journal as he started to chuckle darkly to himself with his fingers touching his forehead. "We are characters in a book following a pattern. By a body of water wanting to float away from Japan, I met you. Yes, we are like the student and sensei in 'Kokoro'."
With his journal in one hand, Kirisu took a hold of the bridge's railing in the other. Then, he stood on the thin railing trying to balance himself as he glanced down at the water before him.
"There should be only one in the world." Kirisu dropped his journal into the water below. "Of anything."
Soon, he positioned himself and lifted his hands out. "But did you know that in ancient times, twins were thought to be lovers? That they were two people who had committed lover's suicide in their last lifetime?"
Like an angel with no wings, Kirisu fell with his eyes closed and a serene smile upon his face. He sang, "No one can have you. No one can have me. We only have one another in our misery..."
"Kirisu!" Rikuou's voice shouted.
But as Kirisu opened his eyes, he looked at the dark-haired man who had shouted his name and smiled sweetly.
"Sensei…you came for me after all…" Kirisu fell into whom he thought were the sensei's arms. "I had dreamt that you didn't come to save me from myself."
Rikuou shook his head with an unknowing smile, answering nothing. "You can sleep now, Kirisu-kun."
The transparent form of Kirisu fell through the hands of Rikuou and out of Kazahaya's body. Rikuou saw the spirit's body as Kirisu's neck jerked to one side and broke after hitting a large rock. The spirit slipped away and flowed slowly with the river.
Rikuou held Kazahaya closely as he huffed and puffed thanking whomever that he'd gotten there on time.
Forgetting all about what they were seeking, Rikuou walked out of the river while holding Kazahaya in his arms. When he got to a semi-grassy area, there he found the blue notebook.
The red color had been washed away.
At that moment, Kazahaya opened his eyes and blinked at Rikuou through the darkness with the moonlight behind him. Disoriented, he asked, "What happened, Rikuou?"
Smiling in relief, Rikuou teased, "You almost drowned yourself in a river again. Only this time, you were jumping off that bridge up there."
Kazahaya's eyes traced the outline of the bridge to where he was last conscious. "I was looking at my reflection through the windows and then I looked over the railing. That's all I remember."
Rikuou then put him down and turned around. "Let's go home."
"The notebook…" Kazahaya said with an almost desperate tone. "We have to find that notebook."
As he bent down to pick up the blue notebook, Rikuou's voice went one octave lower. In bitterness, he questioned, "Were we really supposed to find this thing?"
Kazahaya nodded his head. "I understood it. When I ran back to the university, I understood why he loved 'Kokoro' so much. He couldn't choose as the three sides battled within himself."
At that, they went home in silence.
But neither could sleep soundly.
+/+/+/+/+/
The next day, while in Kakei's office, the two boys stood before their boss with exhausted, but attentive faces. However, Kazahaya's face was betraying an expression of fury and frustration.
With his hands folded on the top of his desk, Kakei's smiled enigmatically at both of them while eyeing the journal. "Good work. You'll get fully paid for this one. Especially you, Kazahaya."
"Th-thank you," he politely answered, looking at his employer with eyes that couldn't really be distinguished as to if he was tired, sick, or upset at the whole thing.
He who never liked to question Kakei because he was the only link to finding Tsukiko, finally spoke up. "I wanted to ask a question."
"Yes?" Kakei asked, a bit surprised at Rikuou.
"What would have been the consequence if we didn't follow the set pattern of events?" His blank face didn't fail him and Kakei truly admired his courage.
"If you didn't follow the instructions, you would have been stuck in that particular period." Kakei's eyes never wavered and kept themselves on the visages of Rikuou and Kazahaya. "All these instructions were to stimulate a time similar to it was then in order to find that blue notebook for our client."
"What kind of client was it? Some kind of monster?" Kazahaya's hands shook as his frosty tone echoed around the room. "What kind of person would want this to be repeated? It was like a cruel joke, only these were real people we were dealing with!"
Rikuou put his hand on Kazahaya's shoulder.
Kazahaya shrugged him off and hot tears started to run down his face. Blinking in between the tears, he pounded his fist on Kakei's desk while still holding onto the blue notebook with his other hand. "I'm sorry, but I won't be taking the money for this case."
Shaking his head while taking his hands off the desk, Kakei looked at Kazahaya in surprise and Rikuou was just as shocked.
"I can't believe you would take a job like that," he said to Kakei.
"Kazahaya." Kakei's calm mood was becoming disturbed the more he stared at Kazahaya.
"I'm sorry." Kazahaya then bowed, walked out of the room and ran away.
Kakei stood up and turned around, unable to look at Rikuou. "Kazahaya truly is a good person."
Rikuou's eyes just wandered and followed the lines on the floor with nothing to say. Wanting to apologize, but couldn't bring himself to.
"And yes, I do admit that I am a cruel person."
At that moment, Kakei turned around and smirked with his everlasting calm face. "Usually, we do not reveal who our clients are, but I will make this one exception."
Rikuou nodded understandingly.
"Tell him that the teacher wanted to know the truth. Why must people die because of guilt?"
Rikuou left as he ran after Kazahaya whom he knew would run towards his room. It was the one place he always went to whenever he was upset.
He couldn't understand why though.
Without knocking, Rikuou came in and closed the door behind him. Kazahaya sat on his bed crying unable to stop himself as the notebook sat beside him.
"Why do you always do this to yourself?" Rikuou scolded in an affectionate tone because he didn't know how else to relate to Kazahaya whenever he became this way. "You'll get lost someday because I won't always be there to save you. What will happen then?"
"I get involved because that's the only way I know I can work," Kazahaya answered just as harshly. "Just because you're cold doesn't mean I am."
"What did you see through him? Through this person named Kirisu, Kazahaya?" Rikuou then sat beside him.
"I saw that he was just lost. He didn't know who he was." Kazahaya leaned his head on Rikuou's shoulder. "That's why he liked Soseki so much…"
Rikuou closed his eyes, pulling Kazahaya to sit on his lap. Kazahaya pulled the journal to his own lap as Rikuou firmly wrapped his waist in between his arms.
Opening the journal, the pages at the end of the journal were written in with coffee stains. They read the text together.
"February 29th, 19—
Seiya gave this to me.
I don't know why he would want to give me this blue journal, but I guess it will be of some use to me. What do I write down, though?
I do not want to write of our story, Seiya. There's nothing but sadness to it. So, who would be masochistic to write such things?
And we're already how old and you give me this? But, of course, I'll keep it, just like the many things you always give me.
'My professor said it would be good to write,' Seiya said to me.
But what is a song with no melody? My words are just words until I sing them to you, Seiya.
That's the only time you truly pay attention to me.
You are the only one who loves me.
Everyone else thinks I'm just your shadow because I'm so quiet. But you treat me as I should be treated, Seiya. That's why you cannot ever belong to anyone else but me.
I fear that you will one day find what you're looking for and leave me. Just like what the Sensei said in 'Kokoro'."
As they read on, they learned more about the relationship of Kirisu and Seiya until they reached the last page.
Kazahaya gave a nervous look to Rikuou, who kept his face cool and composed.
"November.
Seiya has found out that I have a relationship with Sensei. The same one I thought he'd fallen in love with.
In order to get him away from Seiya, I had originally planned to lure him and break that man's heart before he would break Seiya's. I wanted to crush him for making me so jealous I couldn't even think straight.
Seiya was mine and no one else would be able to touch him as I would.
He is my other half and I am his.
We are bound to one another like Oyone and Sosuke. Shunned from the world because of our parents, we have wandered aimlessly holding onto one another.
But along the way, I looked at the mirror.
I was seeing that I was changing. Through Sensei, I wasn't a part of Seiya.
This made me relieved.
This troubled me just as equally.
'But I love you, Seiya,' I looked around our room and locked the door behind me.
'Kirisu…you weren't supposed to sing for anyone but me," he said with his teeth grinding in hurt.
I knew what that meant. That I had given my soul to one another and imbalanced us…
Wrapping my arms around his neck, I blinked my eyes. "You act like a woman. No, you act like a mermaid. A very possessive mermaid."
He nodded slowly while silently listening to me. 'But are you sure about that, Kirisu?'
'You and your myths, Kirisu…' Looking at the mirror before us, he commented, 'I think you're the mermaid.'
Yes, to you, I am neither man nor woman.
To you, I am not your sibling…
'Maybe I am.' Shaking my head, I whispered into his ear, 'You belong to me, Seiya.'
Pressing my lips on his own, I kissed him until he began tearing off my clothing…
When he finally went to sleep, I looked at the copy of 'Kokoro' on his desk.
'I felt sorry for his friend,' I remembered Seiya saying this once to me.
'Why?' I had asked.
'Because his friend stole the woman he planned to marry.'
I left the room only to get this notebook to show him that I was almost done with it and that he needed to read it to ease my mind and heart.
But Seiya looked strange as he began to kiss my neck and then kissed my mouth as if he wanted to engulf all the air in my lungs. Running his fingers through my hair, he held my face and looked deeply at me.
'Why do you look like an angel with the heart of a devil?' Seiya told me.
I gave him a confused look as Seiya reached out for something.
'Sensei stole you from me. Then you took yourself away from me, Kirisu,' Seiya said as I reached out for his hands.
But I was too late.
The blood splattered on the wall behind him…
…and on this notebook.
I held onto his body, but no tears would come out. I was too shocked to cry and so I lost my voice for a while.
The blood from where his heart should have been, ran through my fingers. Unending, relentlessly.
'You're sleeping, Seiya.' I kept on denying inside of my head.
I killed my brother.
I have already killed myself…
[tearstains]
I will see you one last time, Sensei.
For did you know that twins are lovers from a past life?"
Kazahaya looked at the pages side by side. The last entry with the sensei and the last entry with Seiya.
"It ends in the middle," Kei repeated in Kazahaya's head and it finally made sense to him.
These were the two people known as Kirisu trying to live within one another…
…trying to survive at the same time, but couldn't.
"Tsukiko…" Rikuou thought as Kazahaya put down the notebook to one side of the bed. "Someday, will I become this desperate to find you like this Sensei?"
Kazahaya then softly said, "I always have to think how did we ever become close.
I have to remind myself that I'm not alone anymore."
Rikuou, who was still holding onto him tightly, listened attentively.
"'We are the same. We aren't like other people because we have special powers, but that doesn't mean we aren't human, Kazahaya.' That's what you said to me," Kazahaya whispered with a smile as he looked to the ground. "When you saved me from that other job when I was about to kill myself with that knife without knowing it, that's what you said to me, Rikuou. That was also one of the first times you called me by my first name."
"Even though I cared deeply for Kei, there was something about Rikuou that made him special to me. Even if he does make fun of me all the time," Kazahaya thought while sighing.
"I believed in those words." Kazahaya tilted his head as he closed his eyes while Rikuou began kissing him on the neck.
"There are people who reflect who you are. They are people that assimilate with you until the one you care for and yourself become so indistinguishable next to one another," Tsukiko had said to Rikuou and this was what was going through his mind as he began to kiss the skin of Kazahaya's bare back.
"I believe each person is born with a twin." She laughed at Rikuou as he looked up from the newspaper he was reading. "But many people call those people their soulmate. Their lost twin."
"Only, some are misled by this too…" Rikuou whispered inaudibly as he began to kiss Kazahaya's stomach while telling him what Kakei had told him…
+/+/+/+/+/
The next morning, Kazahaya reached out to the place on his bed where Rikuou should have been. He blinked his eyes and turned around to find Rikuou standing before him. "We have to eat breakfast."
Kazahaya, with a pout and annoyed eyes, asked, "Can't you make breakfast for a change?"
But as soon as Kazahaya dressed up and ran into the kitchen, he smelled cooked food.
Kazahaya raised his eyebrows. "You're making breakfast today?"
Rikuou, with a pan in his hand and an apron wrapped around his body, answered, "I can't have you hate me all the time."
Kazahaya smiled at him as he sat down on the dining table to read the newspaper.
He just couldn't help liking the guy sometimes.
Then, Rikuou smirked.
It was then that Kazahaya looked up and knew he'd spoken too soon when Rikuou chuckled mockingly at him.
"Why are you looking at me like that?" Kazahaya blinked with a slightly tense voice.
While bringing the breakfast to the table and sitting down, Rikuou's smirk remained on his face. "I've got to mess with your mind. It's just more fun that way."
"RIKUOU!"
But Kazahaya laughed as he looked at Rikuou, still feeling the impact of the last job upon his heart.
He thought to himself as a melancholic grin came to his face, "Are you my twin, Rikuou?"
+/+/+/+/+/
A few days later, in some apartment, Sensei takes the blue notebook and writes a letter with his life story. How similar his life was to 'Kokoro' and how he had fallen for a student who happened to be a twin.
He favored one who was both male and female, yet neither at the same time. The sensei was too late to save him in the end. And ironically, he was the one who had found the body slowly drifting in the river.
He always felt guilty.
Hoping…always hoping that the body's owner would finally rest so that he could go on with his life.
Even more days passed…
Rikuou and Kazahaya heard from the local news that a man had committed seppuku in his apartment with his letters inside a blue notebook beside him…
The man's last words on the letter were,
"The two most important things are to live with what you believe in and the one you care for. Or to die with or for them…
But I couldn't live out the rest of my life with you.
Nor could I die with you."
Owari.
-
Author's notes: I made the time line a little bit later (or hopefully later) than it was in the manga. I wanted Kazahaya and Rikuou to be close, but not over.
I know there were a lot of things up in the air and I hoped they made sense. Too many ideas were clashing in my head and I didn't know what to do. I tried to connect them together, but I also wanted this to be a thought-provoking piece in which I would leave this half to the reader's interpretation.
I wanted it to be that with Seiya, you didn't know if he really liked the teacher and if they had a relationship too. But as for Kirisu, he became two different people with each of them and I wanted the Sensei to be both provocative, yet sincere to both of them.
Seiya, who was thought to be the strong one, was really weak when it came to Kirisu. On the other hand, Kirisu was only strong when it came to Seiya. And the sensei had both showed them a side of themselves that they never thought existed within themselves.
This was difficult to make and I'm sure my writing style shows my struggle.
But Thank You for reading this really weird piece. I like it, but I hope it's not too confusing.
Love,
Yui
Kokoro is a story by Natsume Soseki in which a student asks a sensei that he met on the beach, what he must do in his life. Of course, ultimately, he would have to make his own decisions, but the sensei was unable to tell his life story. The student went away to visit his dying father, but gets a letter from the sensei. Instead of following family obligation, he rushes to the sensei's side and then reads the letter that sensei wrote with his life story in it.
You don't know if the student got to the sensei though and when he rushes to get to the sensei, it is exactly the middle of the book.
Oyone and Sosuke are from another Soseki book called 'Mon' (which my research paper will be on). This is about a couple who has been isolated from the world as well as isolating themselves.
January 18th, 2003