Listening to the Radio
Chapter Three: Seph Goes Goldmembah!
a/n: Okay, most of the story has got nothing to do with radios, but bear with me. I think it is still funny though. So I guess that makes it worth reading! *ihopeihopeihope.....*
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The so-called heroes of the planet and one super-cool silver haired dude continued their enjoyable and just quite nice ride in the middle of nowhere. Everyone was actually having a good time.
"THIS SUCKS ASS!!!" yelled Yuffie.
.... Okay, so maybe not all of them are having a good time.
"For once, she's right. This is quite an unenjoyable experience..." Red XIII said, nodding his head.
"What do you mean, for once?! I'm always right! And this really sucks ass!" she yelled again. Everybody groaned.
"You know Yuffie, this would me more bearable if you'd quit whining every 2 minutes." Vincent said.
"Oh Shut up! I liked you better when you were quiet..." Yuffie muttered, pouting like a kid in her seat. "When are we there yet?"
"Well, according to the map, we should be near the Gongaga National Park, so..." Tifa opened the map. The REALLY large map. It got into the driver's seat, so...
"*&#(@#&%#&#*!!!!!!!!!!!" Cid H. yelled, sending the vehicle in motion to motion even more violently.
"EEEEEEEEEEEEEKKK!!!!!" yelled Cloud. The others forgot to scream, as they stared at their screaming.... uh.... leader. Right. Leader. So only Cloud screamed like a girly man when they hit a tree. CRASH went the tree and car.
"Dammit!" Cid said, jumping out of the car which was smoking rather unpleasantly. "This dent is gonna have ta stay in this %^#$ for a &*%$# looong time........"
"AW, man! That's it, I am sooo...." Yuffie stopped when Sephiroth cast Silence on her. The others applauded.
"Don't worry, foo'. I know how ta fix them cars. Gonna get us outta dis place in a jiffy," Barret said, hopping out of the trunk. (he was too big for the seats, apparently.)
"For the meantime, what'll we do in this park?" asked Red XIII.
"Well, we could..." Tifa trailed off when Sephiroth started jumping up and down in excitement. He never managed to lose his really really cool I'm-an-evil-silver-haired-dude-with-a-Masamune poise, though.
"OOOH! OOH! OOH! DUCKS!!!!" Sephiroth shouted, pointing at the pond full of white-feathered swimming things called Ducks.
ZOOP went everyone's heads as they looked at the ducks Sephiroth was referring to. Everyone raised an eyebrow, except for Cloud, who hit his head earlier. Actually, he was just standing there, going, "Baaaah....."
".... Uh.... what about ducks?" Vincent asked, finally.
Sephiroth turned to them with an evil, maniacal i-eat-ducks-for-breakfast look. "Ehehehe.... I live for terrorizing ducks..." he said in an even more evil, maniacal i-eat-ducks-for-breakfast manner.
Everyone but Cid and Barret gulped.
Before anyone could say anything, Sephiroth started to chase the ducks and wave his Masamune in a weird manner, being an expert at THAT. He also began to laugh like an evil hyena who ate lots of underpants. The kind old ladies who used to feed the ducks gasped and tried to hit Sephiroth with their walking sticks. But nobody stopped him, no. He continued still to terrorize the poor ducks.
"QUACK QUACK QUAAAARK!" screamed the ducks.
"GYAHAHAHAH! HEAR DUCKY DUCKY DUCKEEE!!!!!"
"OH NO! He's starting to laugh like Heidegger! Whatdowedo?!?!?!?" screamed Tifa.
"BAAAH!" yelled Cloud.
Red XIII began to do whatever dog-cats do when they're nervous or panicky. "Uh.... I dunno!" he meowed/barked/whatever. A running duck hit him on the face.
Yuffie jumped up and down in panic.
Vincent sighed in frustration, then took out a shiny green thingamabob from his cape. "SLEEP!" he said.
Sephiroth still went on with chasing the ducks. A green 'MISS' appeared over his head.
"Baaah... Sephiroth wears pwetty pink ribbon!" Cloud said. Vincent said, "Damn!"
"DUCK DUCK GOOSE! DUCK DUCK GOOSE!" Sephiroth screamed in the background. Policemen began to chase him in speedboats.
"Okay, foo's! Da car's fixed! Git on!" The others gladly obliged. "What's wid da momma's boy?" Barret asked.
"He's duck-crazy!" answered Tifa.
Cid H. lit up a cigarette. "Well, round the $#@% up, we haven't got all day!" Hmm. Seemed relaxed enough.
Barret thought for a moment, then said, "CID! Hand me da secret weapon!" he said.
".... Secret Weapon?" asked everyone else but Yuffie (who was silenced), Cloud (who turned into an idiot), Sephiroth (who was chasing ducks) and Cid (who knew what the secret weapon).
"Ya sure, *&%$?" asked Cid.
"Yeah, I'm sure, foo'. Now, give it!" Barret seemed dead serious about it.
"Whatever ya say." Cid just said, grabbing something from the glove compartment and throwing it at Barret. The thing seemed like... well...
.... a jumbo can of Pork & Beans.
Barret opened it (well, he shot the top down with his gun-arm...) and gulped down the contents in one fluid motion. Tifa, Red, Yuffie and Vincent stared in awe. Barret licked the last of the beans from his mouth.
"... OK, foo's, STAND BACK!" he said, his stomach gurgling. Everyone but Cloud yelled and hid for cover. Before anyone else knew it, Barret bent over, his buttocks facing the pond. Then, a horribly LOUD sound emanated from the bear.
PHRRRRRRROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT! (WHOHM!) went the buttocks.
Everyone at the pond---the policemen, the old ladies, the ducks, the fish, the insects, the moss, the seaweeds, and Sephiroth--- stopped instantly and fainted. Some ducks even died of the stink.
Slowly, Tifa, Red, Vince, Yuffie and Cid peeked out of wherever they were hiding. Cloud was, miraculously, still standing and going, "Baaah...." Barret looked around proudly and looked at the destruction he wreaked.
"Hah! I pity da foo' who thunk dat he couda wit'stood da stank!" he guffawed.
"Woooh-keeey.... How's Seph?" Tifa asked uneasily. Yuffie sort of silently hopped to the pond full of dead ducks and fish floating pathetically at the surface. (well, she can't talk, but she was making a loud sound while romping about.) She hopped even more and pointed by the reedy part.
Vincent and Cid ran towards the reeds, and found what seems to be a tanglement of moss and way-kewl-but-certainly-unhygienic silver hair. Luckily, there were still air bubbles, so, yes, Sephiroth is still alive, thankyouverymuch.
"The $#@%'s still alive!" Cid confirmed, as had this author a few moments ago. Well. The remaining conscious ones cheered. (actually, they groaned, but I think that's about it.)
"Okay, I guess... we better go now... before.... uh... mad policemen in helicopters attack us for polluting the park..." said Red XIII uneasily as he hopped to the now-fixed van.
"Damn right!" said the others, except Cloud and Yuffie, for reasons I had repeatedly repeated to the audience so much that they are hurling at hearing them.
***
A van is seen driving casually away from the park, just as mad policemen in helicopters attack suspicious survivors in the polluted aforementioned park. Inside it, everyone sighed a breath of relief, as Barret was now stink-free. Well, maybe except for Sephiroth who was unconscious for inhaling too much fart.
"Hey, look at his eyelids! I think he's dreaming!" Yuffie announced.
"Wow, as if anybody $#%^# cares!" Cid H. grunted.
"Baaah.... maybe he's dreaming of an inevitable and indestructible and evil and twisted and inhuman plan to take over the world and to destroy all human kind..." Cloud said.
Everyone stared at him.
"... or dreaming of singing with Ming Tea in Goldmember... baaaah...."
"Oh." Then everyone resumed to their usual business, as Sephiroth snored.
***
Sephiroth, somehow knowing what he was doing, shashayed to the stage, wearing an Austin Powers get-up thingy: Ya know, the glasses and that weird blue suit with the ruffles.
Wait, cancel that, he's just wearing his usual Sephy clothes and everybody was happy. His audience applauded.
"Thank you! Now this song goes out for that... guy in the science lab... thingy." he announced. Ming Tea (which was actually composed of the FF7 gang... hey, work with me here!) was behind him, in flashy costumes and whatnot.
"Ya mean Rufus ShinRa?" a random guy asked.
"NO! That other guy."
"oooh." With that, the audience clapped, as Sephiroth began to sing in an English accent...
Daddy
Daddy wasn't there
Daddy
Aw yeah! This is soo gonna be good. Sephiroth smiled at the people. Fangirls (and some fanboys) stared at him in disbelief.
Daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair
It seems he doesn't care
Daddy wasn't there
Hojo went in and spat at Sephiroth's shoe. Fangirls and boys gasped and attacked the crusty old guy. He went on singing:
Daddy
Daddy wasn't there, to change my underwear
It seems he doesn't care
Daddy wasn't there
Everybody seen flashbacks of the weird twisted things Hojo did to Sephiroth when he was a kid. You know, the stuff that made Sephiroth into the evil guy. Sigh. Anyways he continues:
When I was 1st baptised
When I was critized
When I was ostrized
When I was jazzicised
steak and kidney pies
one hour martinized
When I was cir-cum-sized (I can see most of you smiling!) *gasp*
Daddy wasn't there
Sephiroth gave a pitiful look. People went 'awww'. But, a lot of them had a hard time, maybe because of picturing the… uh… Jewish act.
Yeah, whatever… A scene wherein Sephiroth was coming home from killing Aeris was seen, and Hojo was there… Yeah.
Hojo: Whaddya want? You already killed my specimen, that's all the bloodshed ya needed, right?
Sephiroth: Bloodshed? I needed a father!
Right. Back to the singing stage with all the disco lights and that 70's or 60's or 50's feel or whatever. Sephiroth was about to continue singing, when from the crowd, a guy in a labcoat with blonde hair snatched the mic and sang, in his own Brit accent:
When I was 1st baptised
When I was critized
When I was ostrized
When I was jazzicised
steak and kidney pies
one hour martinized
When I was circumsized
Daddy wasn't there, to take me to the fair,
To change my underwear
Daddy wasn't there!!!!
Whoo. Rufus ShinRa sang along. Who'da thunk?
**Daddywasn'ttherePEACE!!!!** said Seph and Ruf in unison. The crowd went, "Whoo!"
And so it was:
Seph and Ruf: If you've got a daddy issue,
Hojo and Pres. ShinRa: Here's a daddy tissue!
Seph and Ruf: D to the A to the DDY
D to the A to the DDY
They say it's just a fad,
But I've got a dead beat dad! (Pres. ShinRa: HEY! … Rufus: Hah!)
D to the A to the DDY
D to the A to the DDY
I sit in my room and cry (Hojo: No ya don't, you lousy specimen-ofa-son! … Sephiroth: SHUT UP, DAD!)
And ask myself the reason why
D to the A to the DDY
D to the A to the DDY
*Daddy*
*Daddy*
*Daddy*
D-A-DD-Y
"—Peace!!!!" went Sephiroth and Rufus as the fanboys and girls of the world clapped their pudgy boney hands.
Just as the applause was getting louder, and Sephiroth was feeling ever-so-shaggadelic, Hojo knocked him out by hitting a side of beef at the back of the head. He collapsed on the stage, with Ming Tea, Rufus, and the fangirls and boys looking down at him with wonder….
~*~
"Baaaah…." Ooh. Faint voice. Wonder where it came from?
Sephiroth's eyes fluttered open, and he saw the rest of the group also comatosed. Except for Cid, that is. Well, no wonder. All of the Austin Powers VCDs were already watched, (there was that little TV that could be installed in vehicles. Ya know, those that play VCDs.) and all that was left was The Sound of Music.
Sephiroth blinked in confusion. Was he singing in a blue suit and acting all shaggadelic or something? He was about to get up, but Cloud, who was asleep next to him, was leaning on his shoulder, drool about to drip sloooowlyy…..
"… HRAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he screamed, pushing Cloud offa him, and waking everybody else up. Cloud could only utter a lame, "—bah?" before his head went on Yuffie's lap, getting drool all over it.
"EEEEW! Grossness!" Yuffie whined, pushing Cloud back.
"Wha… Where have I been?..." Sephiroth said slowly.
"… You were at the park, chasing ducks. Then Barret knocked you out with fart. Then we drove off, and watched all three Austin Powers. Then, we all fell asleep listening to, 'Doe… a deer! A female deer!'" explained Red XIII, perfectly mimicking the girly voice.
"…. Wow. Shaggadelic!"
Everybody stared at him.
"Sorry. Hangover." He muttered, then relieved his Masamune of duck feathers.
"Hmph. &#((&#%&(#$....." said Cid, and drove on faster. It was gonna be a looong journey, still.
Unbeknownst to them, far away in ShinRa HQ, a disgruntled President in the hospital wing screams at his flunkies to burn all the Austin Powers DVD's or VCD's they can get their hands on.
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Gosh. That was longer than expected. And most of it was about ducks.
Hope you enjoyed that. And, oh, if ya want, suggest the next character to be tortured in a refined, musical manner!
Read and review, please.
à zhak