Part 2 - Max POV
I am standing in the pod chamber staring at my sister.
She is staring right back at me and she is NOT happy with me.
I know it. SHE knows I know it. We are a very knowledgeable pair of siblings.
Isabel's face is blank, not reflecting any of this, but I know her well enough to know that she is never going to forgive me for this - for forcing her to do this.
I even know WHY she's doing it. To prove to me, to herself, to EVERYONE that she is no longer Vilandra, that she will NOT betray me again.
Although I know that this time she thinks that I've betrayed her - that by not being able to save Alex, that by not letting her go away to college, that by not finding a way for the four of us to stay in Roswell, I've betrayed her.
I don't blame her. I think it myself. I have been out of control of my life for a long time. As Liz would say, it's just completely ironic that when I actually DO take a stand about something, it's the complete opposite from what I really want to do. But this time it isn't just about me, or Isabel, or even Tess and what we all want.
It's about an innocent baby. One that's going to die if we don't leave. One that I really, REALLY wish was NOT coming, but one that I have to take responsibility for.
I just can't believe that I am going to be a father. I REALLY can't believe that I'm going to be the father of TESS'S baby.
Michael, on the other hand, doesn't seem surprised at all. He just seems pissed. Big time. Of all of us, I thought Michael would be the most happy to be going back to our planet. I can't say our home. It's not our home.
But Michael has changed. Oh, he's still MICHAEL. Quick to anger, quick to condemn (and as usual it's me he's condemning) but he is also different. Maria has broken him down. He really doesn't want to leave her.
I know how he feels. Up until last night I didn't think I ever would again, but then everything changed.
I found out the truth about Liz and Kyle. And the whole house of cards came tumbling down. **************************************************************
If you had told me a year ago that my life would be in the mess it is currently, I might have believed you.
If you had told me a year ago that I would actually have spent a period of my life - an extremely short period of my life mind you, but a period nonetheless - hating Liz Parker, I KNOW I would NOT have believed you.
All I knew a year ago was that I loved Liz, that I was never going to love anyone the way I loved her.
I knew then that it was wrong when Liz walked away from me. I knew that I had to stop her. I knew that the life that I loved, the life that I wanted would be over if I let it happen. I wasn't lying when I told Liz that knowing her, loving her had made me human. I wanted to be human then. I loved being human. I loved how she was the only person who had ever made me completely happy to be Max Evans, because SHE loved ME.
But I'm not human. I never have been. I never will be. I had to finally accept it.
That doesn't mean I don't still wish I had been strong enough, that I hadn't let her go. Because now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a nightmare from which I know I'm never going to wake up.
This is what being an alien means.
I kept fighting it for so long, kept fighting who I am, but Tess finally made me let go. Having those memories made me let go of the only dream I had ever had: to be normal.
But it wasn't all Tess.
I can't say that I don't know how I ended up here. I know. I haven't been able to think straight since THAT night.No, not the night that Liz left me - that other night. The worst night of my life. The night she and Kyle.did what they did together.
I didn't want to believe it for the longest time - DIDN'T believe it - but I'm almost positive that the Liz I knew then could not have lied to me for that long. I don't even know why she would have lied to me. What was the point? I mean, I saw the look on her face when I caught them. She was almost as horrified as I was.
I know she didn't want to hurt me. She just wanted me to be normal. If I was normal, I would have been the one in that bed with her.
I still remember a conversation we had last spring, right after Tess came to town. Liz was so scared of Tess, of the fact that she was an alien, that we didn't know what she would do. It was the first time that I really realized that Liz hadn't fully accepted what I was. I know she wasn't frightened of me, that she still isn't. But that's because she didn't accept it - couldn't.
I think that's why I have been so insanely mean to her over the last week or so. God. Has it really only been a week? I feel like it's been a life- time.
Now that I have fully accepted what I am, even if I don't necessarily like it, I think I might have been sub-consciously punishing her for not accepting me, for not wanting to be with the REAL me, green around the gills and all.
But I know too that I am making Liz the scapegoat because somehow I have ended up somewhere I never wanted to be, whether I have accepted being the King of Antar or not.
I have taken the easiest way out over the last few weeks. I have blamed Liz. I have turned into a raging maniac where she is concerned. I hate myself every time I do it, but its like I have no control over myself when I'm near her. I don't really blame her, but I have done everything in my power to make her think I do.
I don't understand why. I really don't. It's like whenever I'm around her I enter this zone of complete irrationality from which I can't escape. I am just so angry at her - all the time. At least when I'm around her.
I wasn't even this mad after I had first caught them. I was devastated, confused, horrified, felt sick all the time, but I wasn't angry.
I only turned on her when she needed me the most. I completely deserted her when Alex died. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it, knew that there was more to his death than I was allowing myself to see, but I couldn't stop it. And no one even tried to stop me - not Isabel, not Michael, not even Maria. Ironically the only one who EVER stepped in was Tess.
Who knew? Who knew that Tess Harding would turn out to be the only calm one in a crisis?
I can't begin to explain my feelings about Tess.about what we did, about how I feel when I'm around her.
When I'm around her its like I can't get enough of her. It's sort of like when she mind-warped me last year but different too. This time it just seems totally natural - like I was really seeing her last year but my devotion to Liz was blinding me to who she really was.
She is not bad. She's just the person I was meant to be with.
Weirdly, I don't really miss her when she's not around. In fact, its sort of a relief. I feel all of this pressure from her all the time. I know she's depending on me, that I owe her, and when I'm with her, I feel like together we can take on the universe.
But sometimes when I'm with her, I feel like I'm suffocating too, like I'm swimming through thick jello, like that first memory I had of her.
It's completely opposite to how I felt when I was with Liz. With Liz, I didn't start breathing until I was with her. All the other moments were totally focused on when we would be together again. But when I was with her, the whole world made sense. I came alive.
I felt that way again last night, for a very brief moment. When Liz was in my arms for the last time.
I know that I'm never going to see her again.
Twenty-four hours ago, I might not have cared. I have never been as angry at someone else as I was at Liz. She was going to betray us. I knew it, she knew it. She was so focused on finding out the truth about what happened to Alex, she was getting dangerous.
One thought kept running through my mind: she betrayed you once.she can do it again.
She was so single-minded, so intent on proving that Alex's death was OUR fault.
Deep down, I knew it was. I KNEW that Alex Whitman would not kill himself, and yet I could not accept it, refused to accept that guilt. And so it was Liz's fault.
When Michael called me from the university, I was surprised to say the least. He said that Maria had called him from there to tell him that she and Liz were still investigating Alex's death.
I had thought Liz was in Sweden.
"Maxwell? Are you there?" Michael was yelling into the phone at me.
I was, but I wasn't. Somehow knowing that Liz had never gotten on that plane, it made me physically ill.
She had been in Roswell when I had been doing what I did with Tess.
At that point I still wasn't sure how that had happened. I'm still not. I think, deep down, that I was punishing Liz. I couldn't control her but I could control hurting her. SHE had hurt me this way, why couldn't I do the same? Tess was my destiny after all. At least I wasn't just jumping into bed with some old flame. I never did understand why Liz had chosen Kyle of all people, why neither of them seemed particularly close AFTER it had happened.
Liz said at the time that she made a mistake but I had to have known deep down that she would never do that. I still have no idea why I just accepted it.
If I hadn't, we wouldn't be where we are right now.
I was sick about the whole thing when we woke up the next morning.and the strangest thing was, that even though I remembered the whole thing (you should hope so, considering it was my first time) it all felt like some dream - nightmare actually - from which I just hoped I would soon awaken.
I don't think this is how teenage guys are supposed to feel after the first time they have sex, whether they love the girl or not.
Maybe I knew even then that the consequences of giving in were going to be huge. Who knows? All I know is that if I could take it back, I would. If I found out that it had all been some gigantic nightmare, I would be the happiest Czechoslovakian in the universe.
'Yeah. I'm here." I told Michael. "Get them out of there. Now." I ordered.
There was a long pause. Michael was breathing heavily, like he had just run a marathon. "Maxwell, there's something to what Liz is saying." He finally managed to tell me.
"So she's gotten to you. Her paranoid delusions have gotten to you?" I wondered at the time at the words coming out of my mouth. They weren't what I had wanted to say. I wanted to ask Michael what he was talking about. I could see Tess across the room, staring at me, her expression unreadable.
"Max, I've gotta go." I could hear Michael whispering to someone on the other end. "Listen, meet us at the Crashdown at 10:30. I'll fill you in then."
Michael had hung up on me.
"What's going on Max?" Tess asked me.
"Michael says that Liz found something." I told her, my mind fuzzy all of a sudden. All I could see were her blue eyes, all I felt was this incredible urge to race across the room and enfold her in my arms, protect her from whatever it was Liz had uncovered.
"Max?" Tess's face paled, her hand moving protectively to her stomach. "It's happening again." I swallowed. She collapsed onto the sofa, squirmed around, a terrified expression on her face.
For one moment, one heart-stopping moment, I saw her face clearly. Something was NOT right here. But it was gone. I went to help her, went to comfort her because the child we had created in one night was dying. *******************************************************
Tess and I arrived at the Crashdown early. I was not pleased to see that Isabel had brought Kyle.
I knew that my sister was mad at me for not letting her go to college, that I had been wrong to play the Vilandra card to keep her in Roswell, but somehow I knew that letting her go would be a huge mistake.
But the fact that she had turned to Kyle - that was just cold. She even knew about the Kyle and Liz thing by then. I had told her, in an effort to keep her away from him. She had seemed upset about it, but she had not stopped hanging out with him.
"What's he doing here?" Tess asked, looking at Kyle, kind of sadly actually. A spasm of pain crossed Kyle's face at her words, but he quickly regained his neutral expression.
"Michael called me too." Isabel replied haughtily. She had been quite mean to Tess since we had found out about the baby. Although she mostly blamed me, she had NOT let Tess off the hook. She knew that I was trying to find a way to contact Larek, was trying to find a way to get us all back to our planet. I think deep down she was hoping that I wouldn't be able to do it.
Because if the baby died, we wouldn't have to go.
The worst part was, I sort of hoped so too. But I refused to admit it to myself. I owed Tess. No matter how many times I tried to avoid the fact, this kid was my heir. It was my CHILD. I had to save it if I could.
It was the right thing to do. I had done the wrong thing for so long, I had to take a stand.
"Kyle has a right to know whatever it is they found out. Alex was HIS friend too." Izzy continued.
Tess bit her lip, looked upset.
Isabel kept talking. I could hear from the tone of her voice that she was looking to cause trouble, that she was TRYING to tick me off. "So Tess, how're you feeling?" She asked with false sweetness.
Tess moved up beside me, took my hand. "A little better. Max has been taking care of me." I saw Kyle scowl, look away.
"Don't you mean he's been looking after 'us'?" Isabel asked, her eyes narrowed. Kyle's scowl intensified.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He demanded. Isabel blinked, paled.
And then I knew. Tess hadn't told Kyle about any of this. I think this knowledge was almost as shocking to me as it was to Izzy.
Tess dropped my hand, took a step backwards. She couldn't seem to meet Kyle's eyes.
Kyle moved over directly in front of her. "What the hell is she talking about Tess?" Tess refused to look up.
"She's pregnant." I finally blurted out. I shook my head in shock. I hadn't meant to say that. What the hell had happened? I realized that Tess was staring at me, her blue eyes wide. She didn't seem upset though.
Kyle whirled so quickly, I barely managed to take a step backwards before he was in my face. "You are a real piece of work Evans! Jesus! I can't believe this! First Liz, then my dad, then Alex, then Isabel, now Tess! Does anything you touch NOT turn to crap?"
I felt a wave of fury sweep through me at the mention of Liz. Flashes of the two of them in bed together were suddenly in front of my eyes. For the first time in what felt like a long time, the hurt and pain over that whole incident consumed me. "Liz Parker is a slut. Don't even mention her in the same breath as Tess." I told him through clenched teeth.
I heard Isabel gasp. I didn't blame her. I HAD NOT thought that. That had NOT been what I had wanted to say.
Kyle's eyes were dilating with rage. I knew it was coming before he even raised his arm, but I didn't even move. The sharp pain of his fist connecting with my jaw was like an epiphany.
I was a complete ass.
I didn't know whether I was going or coming. I had lost my mind, completely and utterly. There was absolutely no other explanation for how I had ended up in this position.
Kyle's tone was even when he glared down at me, complete contempt written all over his face. "Liz Parker is the furthest thing from a slut I have ever encountered. We didn't sleep together you jack-ass. She was just trying to get rid of you. It was all a sham. I wondered about it at the time, but now I understand completely. She wanted to be away from you and she used the only thing that would completely drive you away."
I stared up at Kyle, my ears ringing. I had not heard a word of his tirade past "we didn't sleep together." "What are you saying?" I managed to croak. Kyle just glared down at me, slammed his mouth shut, seeming to realize to late that he had said much more than he had ever intended to.
"MAX!" Isabel was screaming. "What have you let happen here? Everything is completely out of control! And you think I'm going back with you! I won't! I won't!" My sister started to sob. I had not heard so much pain since the day Alex had died. Her agony pierced my heart.
I was still lying on the ground. I couldn't seem to move. I felt like I was swimming up from deep water.
Liz did not sleep with Kyle. Liz did not sleep with Kyle. Liz did not sleep with Kyle.
It was like a weird mantra. I couldn't stop it.
She had not betrayed me. I had betrayed HER. In absolutely every way.
I closed my eyes, felt sick. Why? Why had she done this? Why had she lied to me?
The only thing I knew with utter certainty was that it had NOT been because she didn't love me. That was not Liz's way. In fact, it had to be for the exact opposite reason.
I knew that I wanted to get up, wanted to go comfort my sister, wanted to explain to Kyle, wanted to go find Liz, wanted to force her to tell me the truth. All the anger I felt about the Alex situation was quickly being replaced by a guilt so deep and so profound, I almost buckled under it's weight. And yet when I opened my mouth, my tone was cold and unforgiving. "Grow up. We are NOT going to be separated - any of us. We have no choice Isabel! If we don't go, our baby will die!" I blinked. What the hell was the matter with me? That was NOT what I had wanted to say!
It was at that exact moment that the doors to the Crashdown opened, the familiar bell jolting my attention away from where Tess had gone to try and soothe Isabel.
My mind was in a complete spin. Liz had not slept with Kyle. Tess was pregnant with MY child. I had to leave my Liz. I had completely betrayed her.
All I have now are a series of impressions of that instant. Isabel sobbing, Tess's voice trying to reason with her, her hand naturally moving to her abdomen, glowing lightly, her eyes still on me though, Kyle breathing heavily, his anger barely leashed even then.
And yet, even with these images, the only thing I really remember is the expression on Liz's face when her eyes met mine. I KNEW she had heard that, knew that it was the first she had heard of it.
She swallowed convulsively, managed to keep a blank expression on her face. "What's going on you guys?" She asked, her voice soft. She wasn't looking at me at all anymore, but, rather, at Tess.
"I told him the truth Liz." Kyle said, sounding suddenly contrite. "I'm sorry but he pissed me off. He doesn't have the right to say the things he says about you."
"What do you mean?" Liz asked. I blinked when Michael put his arm around her. He and Maria had come in quietly after Liz had stopped so abruptly in the doorway.
I climbed unsteadily to my feet. I wanted to run to her, wanted to wipe that completely shell-shocked expression off of her beautiful face, wanted to demand that she tell me the truth.
For what felt like the first time in months I knew exactly what I wanted and it was the last thing I was allowed to do. Liz was looking anywhere BUT at me.
"You and Kyle didn't sleep together." Tess spoke up. I managed to look away from Liz for a moment, to stare at her. Tess was watching me, a frightened expression on her face. I didn't blame her. I think she knew deep down that if it wasn't for the baby, in that instant I would have left her.
I am ashamed enough to say that I would have too. I would have walked away from her right then, sex or no sex. The only thing binding me to her was the baby.
She knew, had always known, that I would never feel for her what I felt for Liz.
"Why?" Liz asked Kyle, still so quietly I had to strain my ears. She was pushing a lock of her silky hair behind her ear, looked like she was barely holding it together.
"Because he betrayed you Liz." Kyle told her "I couldn't take it anymore, listening to him. He's been driving you to do crazy things for months - starting with stalking you to the point that you thought you had to go to those extremes."
It was all true. Kyle Valenti was apparently the only one out of the seven of us with any sort of clear vision on this situation. I had somehow driven Liz to do what she had done. And then I had completely betrayed her in every way.
I had not helped her find out the truth about Alex, I had given my first time to someone that I didn't love and I had made her pregnant.
And for the first time I knew that Liz Parker would be better off without me.
"Liz, we're leaving." My sister had stopped crying. She sounded absolutely devastated. "You're not going to have to put up with any of this anymore. I am so sorry."
"Why?" Maria spoke up, sounding hysterical.
"Tess is going to have a baby." I said evenly. If I let even an inch of emotion into it, I was going to completely lose it. To actually have to say those words in front of Liz, knowing what I now knew.it was like taking a sledgehammer to my heart. "It can't live in the Earth's atmosphere. We have to take her back."
I saw Liz flinch slightly, but her back remained straight. She was still looking at the ground.
"How?" Michael demanded, sounding extremely unhappy. "What makes you so sure that we can get back there?"
"Through the granolith." Liz said quietly. "He told me that it wasn't supposed to be a time machine, that it was modified. I think it must be a way for you to get home." She held up a notebook that was clutched in her hands. "And this will tell you how to make it work."
The rest passed in a blur. All I knew was that a moment later Liz had placed the notebook in my hands, I managed to breathe her name, although for some reason I felt like I was choking on it.
She was speaking, but I couldn't hear any of it. I felt the blood pounding in my temples, horror that Liz of all people was giving us a way home.
When the last earthly thing I wanted to do was leave her.
She had whirled, went running out through the Crashdown's doors.and again it was the little tinkling bell that snapped me out of whatever hell I was currently embroiled in.
"LIZ!" It was like that moment at the pod chamber last year. I had to go after her and this time nothing was going to stop me. I could not let her remain in so much pain.
I didn't even listen as Tess shrieked after me. "MAX!"
"LIZ!" I could see that she hadn't gone far as soon as I went through the front doors of the restaurant.
She was still running, but she stopped abruptly. I hurried to catch up with her, saw that her slender back was ram-rod straight. She was breathing lightly, turned, looked right into my eyes. I could see that she was steeling herself for this conversation.
Now, as I stand in the pod chamber, waiting for Michael to activate the granolith, I remember the absolute horror I felt when she had told me about that future version of myself, the one that had come back and totally screwed with everything.
If I hadn't hated myself before.
And there is absolutely no way to fix it. Alex is dead. Tess is pregnant. My heart and Liz's are completely destroyed.
Because I said good-bye to my heart AND my soul when I said good-bye to Liz. I still don't know how I did it. I gave her that pendant and I let her walk away - again.
There was no choice though, really. Liz was never going to let me desert Tess and I really didn't want to. None of this was Tess's fault after all. I had been completely responsible - first that damned future me and then complete jerk present me.
Michael was right all along. I am no leader. All I did was screw up. But I can't let everyone down again. I will see this through to the brutal end.
I just hope that Liz finds someone who actually deserves her because God knows I don't.
"Are you ready?" I asked Michael. He was nodding, fiddling with the crystal we found hidden in the pod chamber because of the translation of the book.
I looked across the room at Isabel again. Her lips were pressed tightly together, but she finally just sighed, got down on her hands and knees and crawled through the empty pods to the granolith.
Tess smiled lovingly at me, went through after her.
Michael was next. He glanced once at me before looking away. "Are we sure this is the right thing Maxwell?" He ground out. I knew that he was mad at me, but he still believed I was his king. He took his role as my right-hand very seriously. I knew that he felt that he couldn't deny my first order.
"We have no choice Michael."
He closed his eyes briefly, nodded, went through after the girls.
I paused momentarily before joining them, felt a shiver descend my spine.
This was it - the moment of truth. Going into that chamber meant leaving my human side behind forever. But without Liz, I had no human side anyway. And none of us would ever forgive ourselves if the baby died.
I let my thoughts drift to her once more, to the person who was my other half.
And it was then that I heard her.
"MAX!"
She was standing in the corner of the pod chamber, and yet she wasn't. Her dark hair was streaming around her shoulders in complete disarray. She looked terrified.
She was a vision, just like the last time, the time she had saved my life in New York.
I stared at her in complete disbelief. That one scream seemed about all she could handle. She was fading away right before my eyes already.
But it was enough.
She needed me.
We weren't going anywhere.
I am standing in the pod chamber staring at my sister.
She is staring right back at me and she is NOT happy with me.
I know it. SHE knows I know it. We are a very knowledgeable pair of siblings.
Isabel's face is blank, not reflecting any of this, but I know her well enough to know that she is never going to forgive me for this - for forcing her to do this.
I even know WHY she's doing it. To prove to me, to herself, to EVERYONE that she is no longer Vilandra, that she will NOT betray me again.
Although I know that this time she thinks that I've betrayed her - that by not being able to save Alex, that by not letting her go away to college, that by not finding a way for the four of us to stay in Roswell, I've betrayed her.
I don't blame her. I think it myself. I have been out of control of my life for a long time. As Liz would say, it's just completely ironic that when I actually DO take a stand about something, it's the complete opposite from what I really want to do. But this time it isn't just about me, or Isabel, or even Tess and what we all want.
It's about an innocent baby. One that's going to die if we don't leave. One that I really, REALLY wish was NOT coming, but one that I have to take responsibility for.
I just can't believe that I am going to be a father. I REALLY can't believe that I'm going to be the father of TESS'S baby.
Michael, on the other hand, doesn't seem surprised at all. He just seems pissed. Big time. Of all of us, I thought Michael would be the most happy to be going back to our planet. I can't say our home. It's not our home.
But Michael has changed. Oh, he's still MICHAEL. Quick to anger, quick to condemn (and as usual it's me he's condemning) but he is also different. Maria has broken him down. He really doesn't want to leave her.
I know how he feels. Up until last night I didn't think I ever would again, but then everything changed.
I found out the truth about Liz and Kyle. And the whole house of cards came tumbling down. **************************************************************
If you had told me a year ago that my life would be in the mess it is currently, I might have believed you.
If you had told me a year ago that I would actually have spent a period of my life - an extremely short period of my life mind you, but a period nonetheless - hating Liz Parker, I KNOW I would NOT have believed you.
All I knew a year ago was that I loved Liz, that I was never going to love anyone the way I loved her.
I knew then that it was wrong when Liz walked away from me. I knew that I had to stop her. I knew that the life that I loved, the life that I wanted would be over if I let it happen. I wasn't lying when I told Liz that knowing her, loving her had made me human. I wanted to be human then. I loved being human. I loved how she was the only person who had ever made me completely happy to be Max Evans, because SHE loved ME.
But I'm not human. I never have been. I never will be. I had to finally accept it.
That doesn't mean I don't still wish I had been strong enough, that I hadn't let her go. Because now I feel like I'm stuck in the middle of a nightmare from which I know I'm never going to wake up.
This is what being an alien means.
I kept fighting it for so long, kept fighting who I am, but Tess finally made me let go. Having those memories made me let go of the only dream I had ever had: to be normal.
But it wasn't all Tess.
I can't say that I don't know how I ended up here. I know. I haven't been able to think straight since THAT night.No, not the night that Liz left me - that other night. The worst night of my life. The night she and Kyle.did what they did together.
I didn't want to believe it for the longest time - DIDN'T believe it - but I'm almost positive that the Liz I knew then could not have lied to me for that long. I don't even know why she would have lied to me. What was the point? I mean, I saw the look on her face when I caught them. She was almost as horrified as I was.
I know she didn't want to hurt me. She just wanted me to be normal. If I was normal, I would have been the one in that bed with her.
I still remember a conversation we had last spring, right after Tess came to town. Liz was so scared of Tess, of the fact that she was an alien, that we didn't know what she would do. It was the first time that I really realized that Liz hadn't fully accepted what I was. I know she wasn't frightened of me, that she still isn't. But that's because she didn't accept it - couldn't.
I think that's why I have been so insanely mean to her over the last week or so. God. Has it really only been a week? I feel like it's been a life- time.
Now that I have fully accepted what I am, even if I don't necessarily like it, I think I might have been sub-consciously punishing her for not accepting me, for not wanting to be with the REAL me, green around the gills and all.
But I know too that I am making Liz the scapegoat because somehow I have ended up somewhere I never wanted to be, whether I have accepted being the King of Antar or not.
I have taken the easiest way out over the last few weeks. I have blamed Liz. I have turned into a raging maniac where she is concerned. I hate myself every time I do it, but its like I have no control over myself when I'm near her. I don't really blame her, but I have done everything in my power to make her think I do.
I don't understand why. I really don't. It's like whenever I'm around her I enter this zone of complete irrationality from which I can't escape. I am just so angry at her - all the time. At least when I'm around her.
I wasn't even this mad after I had first caught them. I was devastated, confused, horrified, felt sick all the time, but I wasn't angry.
I only turned on her when she needed me the most. I completely deserted her when Alex died. I knew it was wrong when I was doing it, knew that there was more to his death than I was allowing myself to see, but I couldn't stop it. And no one even tried to stop me - not Isabel, not Michael, not even Maria. Ironically the only one who EVER stepped in was Tess.
Who knew? Who knew that Tess Harding would turn out to be the only calm one in a crisis?
I can't begin to explain my feelings about Tess.about what we did, about how I feel when I'm around her.
When I'm around her its like I can't get enough of her. It's sort of like when she mind-warped me last year but different too. This time it just seems totally natural - like I was really seeing her last year but my devotion to Liz was blinding me to who she really was.
She is not bad. She's just the person I was meant to be with.
Weirdly, I don't really miss her when she's not around. In fact, its sort of a relief. I feel all of this pressure from her all the time. I know she's depending on me, that I owe her, and when I'm with her, I feel like together we can take on the universe.
But sometimes when I'm with her, I feel like I'm suffocating too, like I'm swimming through thick jello, like that first memory I had of her.
It's completely opposite to how I felt when I was with Liz. With Liz, I didn't start breathing until I was with her. All the other moments were totally focused on when we would be together again. But when I was with her, the whole world made sense. I came alive.
I felt that way again last night, for a very brief moment. When Liz was in my arms for the last time.
I know that I'm never going to see her again.
Twenty-four hours ago, I might not have cared. I have never been as angry at someone else as I was at Liz. She was going to betray us. I knew it, she knew it. She was so focused on finding out the truth about what happened to Alex, she was getting dangerous.
One thought kept running through my mind: she betrayed you once.she can do it again.
She was so single-minded, so intent on proving that Alex's death was OUR fault.
Deep down, I knew it was. I KNEW that Alex Whitman would not kill himself, and yet I could not accept it, refused to accept that guilt. And so it was Liz's fault.
When Michael called me from the university, I was surprised to say the least. He said that Maria had called him from there to tell him that she and Liz were still investigating Alex's death.
I had thought Liz was in Sweden.
"Maxwell? Are you there?" Michael was yelling into the phone at me.
I was, but I wasn't. Somehow knowing that Liz had never gotten on that plane, it made me physically ill.
She had been in Roswell when I had been doing what I did with Tess.
At that point I still wasn't sure how that had happened. I'm still not. I think, deep down, that I was punishing Liz. I couldn't control her but I could control hurting her. SHE had hurt me this way, why couldn't I do the same? Tess was my destiny after all. At least I wasn't just jumping into bed with some old flame. I never did understand why Liz had chosen Kyle of all people, why neither of them seemed particularly close AFTER it had happened.
Liz said at the time that she made a mistake but I had to have known deep down that she would never do that. I still have no idea why I just accepted it.
If I hadn't, we wouldn't be where we are right now.
I was sick about the whole thing when we woke up the next morning.and the strangest thing was, that even though I remembered the whole thing (you should hope so, considering it was my first time) it all felt like some dream - nightmare actually - from which I just hoped I would soon awaken.
I don't think this is how teenage guys are supposed to feel after the first time they have sex, whether they love the girl or not.
Maybe I knew even then that the consequences of giving in were going to be huge. Who knows? All I know is that if I could take it back, I would. If I found out that it had all been some gigantic nightmare, I would be the happiest Czechoslovakian in the universe.
'Yeah. I'm here." I told Michael. "Get them out of there. Now." I ordered.
There was a long pause. Michael was breathing heavily, like he had just run a marathon. "Maxwell, there's something to what Liz is saying." He finally managed to tell me.
"So she's gotten to you. Her paranoid delusions have gotten to you?" I wondered at the time at the words coming out of my mouth. They weren't what I had wanted to say. I wanted to ask Michael what he was talking about. I could see Tess across the room, staring at me, her expression unreadable.
"Max, I've gotta go." I could hear Michael whispering to someone on the other end. "Listen, meet us at the Crashdown at 10:30. I'll fill you in then."
Michael had hung up on me.
"What's going on Max?" Tess asked me.
"Michael says that Liz found something." I told her, my mind fuzzy all of a sudden. All I could see were her blue eyes, all I felt was this incredible urge to race across the room and enfold her in my arms, protect her from whatever it was Liz had uncovered.
"Max?" Tess's face paled, her hand moving protectively to her stomach. "It's happening again." I swallowed. She collapsed onto the sofa, squirmed around, a terrified expression on her face.
For one moment, one heart-stopping moment, I saw her face clearly. Something was NOT right here. But it was gone. I went to help her, went to comfort her because the child we had created in one night was dying. *******************************************************
Tess and I arrived at the Crashdown early. I was not pleased to see that Isabel had brought Kyle.
I knew that my sister was mad at me for not letting her go to college, that I had been wrong to play the Vilandra card to keep her in Roswell, but somehow I knew that letting her go would be a huge mistake.
But the fact that she had turned to Kyle - that was just cold. She even knew about the Kyle and Liz thing by then. I had told her, in an effort to keep her away from him. She had seemed upset about it, but she had not stopped hanging out with him.
"What's he doing here?" Tess asked, looking at Kyle, kind of sadly actually. A spasm of pain crossed Kyle's face at her words, but he quickly regained his neutral expression.
"Michael called me too." Isabel replied haughtily. She had been quite mean to Tess since we had found out about the baby. Although she mostly blamed me, she had NOT let Tess off the hook. She knew that I was trying to find a way to contact Larek, was trying to find a way to get us all back to our planet. I think deep down she was hoping that I wouldn't be able to do it.
Because if the baby died, we wouldn't have to go.
The worst part was, I sort of hoped so too. But I refused to admit it to myself. I owed Tess. No matter how many times I tried to avoid the fact, this kid was my heir. It was my CHILD. I had to save it if I could.
It was the right thing to do. I had done the wrong thing for so long, I had to take a stand.
"Kyle has a right to know whatever it is they found out. Alex was HIS friend too." Izzy continued.
Tess bit her lip, looked upset.
Isabel kept talking. I could hear from the tone of her voice that she was looking to cause trouble, that she was TRYING to tick me off. "So Tess, how're you feeling?" She asked with false sweetness.
Tess moved up beside me, took my hand. "A little better. Max has been taking care of me." I saw Kyle scowl, look away.
"Don't you mean he's been looking after 'us'?" Isabel asked, her eyes narrowed. Kyle's scowl intensified.
"What the hell is that supposed to mean?" He demanded. Isabel blinked, paled.
And then I knew. Tess hadn't told Kyle about any of this. I think this knowledge was almost as shocking to me as it was to Izzy.
Tess dropped my hand, took a step backwards. She couldn't seem to meet Kyle's eyes.
Kyle moved over directly in front of her. "What the hell is she talking about Tess?" Tess refused to look up.
"She's pregnant." I finally blurted out. I shook my head in shock. I hadn't meant to say that. What the hell had happened? I realized that Tess was staring at me, her blue eyes wide. She didn't seem upset though.
Kyle whirled so quickly, I barely managed to take a step backwards before he was in my face. "You are a real piece of work Evans! Jesus! I can't believe this! First Liz, then my dad, then Alex, then Isabel, now Tess! Does anything you touch NOT turn to crap?"
I felt a wave of fury sweep through me at the mention of Liz. Flashes of the two of them in bed together were suddenly in front of my eyes. For the first time in what felt like a long time, the hurt and pain over that whole incident consumed me. "Liz Parker is a slut. Don't even mention her in the same breath as Tess." I told him through clenched teeth.
I heard Isabel gasp. I didn't blame her. I HAD NOT thought that. That had NOT been what I had wanted to say.
Kyle's eyes were dilating with rage. I knew it was coming before he even raised his arm, but I didn't even move. The sharp pain of his fist connecting with my jaw was like an epiphany.
I was a complete ass.
I didn't know whether I was going or coming. I had lost my mind, completely and utterly. There was absolutely no other explanation for how I had ended up in this position.
Kyle's tone was even when he glared down at me, complete contempt written all over his face. "Liz Parker is the furthest thing from a slut I have ever encountered. We didn't sleep together you jack-ass. She was just trying to get rid of you. It was all a sham. I wondered about it at the time, but now I understand completely. She wanted to be away from you and she used the only thing that would completely drive you away."
I stared up at Kyle, my ears ringing. I had not heard a word of his tirade past "we didn't sleep together." "What are you saying?" I managed to croak. Kyle just glared down at me, slammed his mouth shut, seeming to realize to late that he had said much more than he had ever intended to.
"MAX!" Isabel was screaming. "What have you let happen here? Everything is completely out of control! And you think I'm going back with you! I won't! I won't!" My sister started to sob. I had not heard so much pain since the day Alex had died. Her agony pierced my heart.
I was still lying on the ground. I couldn't seem to move. I felt like I was swimming up from deep water.
Liz did not sleep with Kyle. Liz did not sleep with Kyle. Liz did not sleep with Kyle.
It was like a weird mantra. I couldn't stop it.
She had not betrayed me. I had betrayed HER. In absolutely every way.
I closed my eyes, felt sick. Why? Why had she done this? Why had she lied to me?
The only thing I knew with utter certainty was that it had NOT been because she didn't love me. That was not Liz's way. In fact, it had to be for the exact opposite reason.
I knew that I wanted to get up, wanted to go comfort my sister, wanted to explain to Kyle, wanted to go find Liz, wanted to force her to tell me the truth. All the anger I felt about the Alex situation was quickly being replaced by a guilt so deep and so profound, I almost buckled under it's weight. And yet when I opened my mouth, my tone was cold and unforgiving. "Grow up. We are NOT going to be separated - any of us. We have no choice Isabel! If we don't go, our baby will die!" I blinked. What the hell was the matter with me? That was NOT what I had wanted to say!
It was at that exact moment that the doors to the Crashdown opened, the familiar bell jolting my attention away from where Tess had gone to try and soothe Isabel.
My mind was in a complete spin. Liz had not slept with Kyle. Tess was pregnant with MY child. I had to leave my Liz. I had completely betrayed her.
All I have now are a series of impressions of that instant. Isabel sobbing, Tess's voice trying to reason with her, her hand naturally moving to her abdomen, glowing lightly, her eyes still on me though, Kyle breathing heavily, his anger barely leashed even then.
And yet, even with these images, the only thing I really remember is the expression on Liz's face when her eyes met mine. I KNEW she had heard that, knew that it was the first she had heard of it.
She swallowed convulsively, managed to keep a blank expression on her face. "What's going on you guys?" She asked, her voice soft. She wasn't looking at me at all anymore, but, rather, at Tess.
"I told him the truth Liz." Kyle said, sounding suddenly contrite. "I'm sorry but he pissed me off. He doesn't have the right to say the things he says about you."
"What do you mean?" Liz asked. I blinked when Michael put his arm around her. He and Maria had come in quietly after Liz had stopped so abruptly in the doorway.
I climbed unsteadily to my feet. I wanted to run to her, wanted to wipe that completely shell-shocked expression off of her beautiful face, wanted to demand that she tell me the truth.
For what felt like the first time in months I knew exactly what I wanted and it was the last thing I was allowed to do. Liz was looking anywhere BUT at me.
"You and Kyle didn't sleep together." Tess spoke up. I managed to look away from Liz for a moment, to stare at her. Tess was watching me, a frightened expression on her face. I didn't blame her. I think she knew deep down that if it wasn't for the baby, in that instant I would have left her.
I am ashamed enough to say that I would have too. I would have walked away from her right then, sex or no sex. The only thing binding me to her was the baby.
She knew, had always known, that I would never feel for her what I felt for Liz.
"Why?" Liz asked Kyle, still so quietly I had to strain my ears. She was pushing a lock of her silky hair behind her ear, looked like she was barely holding it together.
"Because he betrayed you Liz." Kyle told her "I couldn't take it anymore, listening to him. He's been driving you to do crazy things for months - starting with stalking you to the point that you thought you had to go to those extremes."
It was all true. Kyle Valenti was apparently the only one out of the seven of us with any sort of clear vision on this situation. I had somehow driven Liz to do what she had done. And then I had completely betrayed her in every way.
I had not helped her find out the truth about Alex, I had given my first time to someone that I didn't love and I had made her pregnant.
And for the first time I knew that Liz Parker would be better off without me.
"Liz, we're leaving." My sister had stopped crying. She sounded absolutely devastated. "You're not going to have to put up with any of this anymore. I am so sorry."
"Why?" Maria spoke up, sounding hysterical.
"Tess is going to have a baby." I said evenly. If I let even an inch of emotion into it, I was going to completely lose it. To actually have to say those words in front of Liz, knowing what I now knew.it was like taking a sledgehammer to my heart. "It can't live in the Earth's atmosphere. We have to take her back."
I saw Liz flinch slightly, but her back remained straight. She was still looking at the ground.
"How?" Michael demanded, sounding extremely unhappy. "What makes you so sure that we can get back there?"
"Through the granolith." Liz said quietly. "He told me that it wasn't supposed to be a time machine, that it was modified. I think it must be a way for you to get home." She held up a notebook that was clutched in her hands. "And this will tell you how to make it work."
The rest passed in a blur. All I knew was that a moment later Liz had placed the notebook in my hands, I managed to breathe her name, although for some reason I felt like I was choking on it.
She was speaking, but I couldn't hear any of it. I felt the blood pounding in my temples, horror that Liz of all people was giving us a way home.
When the last earthly thing I wanted to do was leave her.
She had whirled, went running out through the Crashdown's doors.and again it was the little tinkling bell that snapped me out of whatever hell I was currently embroiled in.
"LIZ!" It was like that moment at the pod chamber last year. I had to go after her and this time nothing was going to stop me. I could not let her remain in so much pain.
I didn't even listen as Tess shrieked after me. "MAX!"
"LIZ!" I could see that she hadn't gone far as soon as I went through the front doors of the restaurant.
She was still running, but she stopped abruptly. I hurried to catch up with her, saw that her slender back was ram-rod straight. She was breathing lightly, turned, looked right into my eyes. I could see that she was steeling herself for this conversation.
Now, as I stand in the pod chamber, waiting for Michael to activate the granolith, I remember the absolute horror I felt when she had told me about that future version of myself, the one that had come back and totally screwed with everything.
If I hadn't hated myself before.
And there is absolutely no way to fix it. Alex is dead. Tess is pregnant. My heart and Liz's are completely destroyed.
Because I said good-bye to my heart AND my soul when I said good-bye to Liz. I still don't know how I did it. I gave her that pendant and I let her walk away - again.
There was no choice though, really. Liz was never going to let me desert Tess and I really didn't want to. None of this was Tess's fault after all. I had been completely responsible - first that damned future me and then complete jerk present me.
Michael was right all along. I am no leader. All I did was screw up. But I can't let everyone down again. I will see this through to the brutal end.
I just hope that Liz finds someone who actually deserves her because God knows I don't.
"Are you ready?" I asked Michael. He was nodding, fiddling with the crystal we found hidden in the pod chamber because of the translation of the book.
I looked across the room at Isabel again. Her lips were pressed tightly together, but she finally just sighed, got down on her hands and knees and crawled through the empty pods to the granolith.
Tess smiled lovingly at me, went through after her.
Michael was next. He glanced once at me before looking away. "Are we sure this is the right thing Maxwell?" He ground out. I knew that he was mad at me, but he still believed I was his king. He took his role as my right-hand very seriously. I knew that he felt that he couldn't deny my first order.
"We have no choice Michael."
He closed his eyes briefly, nodded, went through after the girls.
I paused momentarily before joining them, felt a shiver descend my spine.
This was it - the moment of truth. Going into that chamber meant leaving my human side behind forever. But without Liz, I had no human side anyway. And none of us would ever forgive ourselves if the baby died.
I let my thoughts drift to her once more, to the person who was my other half.
And it was then that I heard her.
"MAX!"
She was standing in the corner of the pod chamber, and yet she wasn't. Her dark hair was streaming around her shoulders in complete disarray. She looked terrified.
She was a vision, just like the last time, the time she had saved my life in New York.
I stared at her in complete disbelief. That one scream seemed about all she could handle. She was fading away right before my eyes already.
But it was enough.
She needed me.
We weren't going anywhere.