Chapter 22: Wine and Dine

"You might get a cold, Sir. You should change out of those wet pants, at least."

Pervert!

"You might catch a cold." He glanced at her.

"I see you have a sudden interest in my health, Carter. Any reason?"

"Can't a girl be concerned for her partner?" she asked.

And can't that girl just have a little Jack eye-candy? Just once?

Jack smirked.

"Alright, I'll give you that. It's just whenever you talk in that tone of voice, you're always conspiring something."

"What tone of voice?" she asked innocently. He poked her on the nose.

"That tone of voice."

"You remember my different tones of voices, catalogue them and know exactly what each one of them means and is used for?" she questioned, grinning. Jack blinked and was mildly taken aback for a moment-this statement was actually true. He knew every single one of her voice tones and loved them all, angry or not, and knew what each one of them stood for and meant… the same rung true for her expressions…

But he couldn't tell her that anytime soon!

"Right, Carter. I think we both know that I don't have the brain capacity to do that."

And I think he likes you, Sam. Just a vibe I'm getting here.

"Come on, I'm literally freezing my ass off here. I need to change out of these damned things."

"They're called clothes, Sir."

"Smart ass," he mumbled under his breath, before pulling her inside and into the bathroom.

~~~

One look won't hurt. Just one teensy-weensy little glance… all you have to do is turn a little and have a look…

Sam bit her lip. Temptation-her enemy. When she heard the rustle of Jack's pants as they dropped down to the ground, that's when the voice started up again, telling her to do evil things.

Now the jocks were gone. Great.

One look! I bet he looked at you while you were changing!

Colonel O'Neill would never do that.

Now her other side was conversing with herself.

Yes he would! And he would want you to take a look at him, too! Now go!

Sam turned slightly only to realize that they were reflected in the mirror on the opposite wall and she quickly turned away again, blushing.

Oh, dear.

"Are you almost done yet Sir?" she asked, squirming, her voice strained.

"Yeah, almost…" he replied through gritted teeth. Damn jocks… go up! Up!

"Almost, Sir?"

"Yeah, almost… done." They both heaved sighs of relief as he buckled up his trousers, and Sam froze when her hand accidentally brushed against something as he did so.

That definitely couldn't have been his sidearm.

Swallowing, she pretended not to have noticed, only to have it happen again. And then again. And, of course, again.

This didn't go by unnoticed by Jack, either.

Buckle up, damn you! Why isn't it f!@#ing going through?!

Jack sighed in complete relief as the metal slipped through the hole and he turned to Sam, a smile washed over his face.

"Done," he said simply, grinning. Sam smiled back.

"Great." There was a pause.

"So…  now what do we do?" she asked. There was another pause as Jack looked around idly, before turning back to her.

"I'm not sure. I'm hungry," he announced suddenly. Before Sam could say anything, he spoke again.

"Didn't Simon mention that we could order food over the phone?" he added hastily. There was a silence as realization began to dawn on Sam…

~~~

KNOCK KNOCK.

Sam threw the door open and immediately looked down expectantly at the cart that had been wheeled into the doorway.

"I have the food you ordered, ma'am…" The guy who was wheeling the cart looked from Sam to Jack and then back again, his eyes first lingering on the handcuffs before travelling over the towel Sam was wearing.

"Sorry, am I interrupting?" he asked slowly as Jack quickly pulled the cart into the room. Sam glanced up at him, her hands already holding onto several different pieces of food.

"Hmm? What?" The man blinked.

"Never mind."

"Er… I think we'll be fine here," Jack said, taking a large bite out of a piece of chicken. "You can… er… go now."

"Right. I understand." The man nodded knowledgably before leaving. Scarfing down some peanuts, Sam furrowed her eyebrows at Jack.

"What was he going on about?"

"Who the hell cares? We have food-good food!" He brandished the chicken piece that he had previously taken a large bite out of in her face.

"En guarde!"

"Is that a challenge, Sir?" Sam asked, throwing peanuts at him, and he waved the chicken in her face again, bits of skin flying off and littering the ground.

"Yeah, it's a challenge. And what are you going to do about it?"

"Accept the challenge!" She in return picked up another piece of chicken and hit it against Jack's, and an all-out sword fight ensued between them, bits of chicken and chicken skin flying everywhere across the room.

"You're going down, O'Neill…" she whispered, her eyes narrowing playfully, before the chicken piece broke in half and fell to the ground. Jack snorted.

"Right, I'm sure, Carter." She grinned before making out to pick it up when Jack stopped her.

"Carter, don't pick it up!" She gave him a questioning look.

"Sir?"

"What are you going to do with it once you pick it up?" he asked. There was a pause.

"Put it on the tray or in the bin…"

"You wouldn't eat it, would you?"

"No…"

"Then what's the point of cleaning it up? Let someone else do it. Oh, come on, how often is it that we get to binge?" he added, noting the look on her face, and she sighed, shrugging.

"I suppose you're right, Sir."

"You suppose I'm right, Carter?"

"Alright, Sir, you are right, is that better?"

"Yeah. Now pass me that sauce."

~~~

KNOCK KNOCK.

"We have nachos!" Jack announced happily, throwing the door open, before pulling the bowl out of the hands of the man there and turning away.

"And champagne!" Sam added, grinning, before mumbling something resembling a thank you and slamming the door shut.

"You sure you should be drinking alcohol? The last time held grave consequences," Jack said through a mouthful of chips.

"You can't celebrate and not drink champagne, Sir," she replied, pouring some of the sparkling liquid into a glass before sculling it down.

"So what are we celebrating, Carter?" Jack asked, seating himself down on the edge of his bed, and Sam sat down next to him, still drinking.

"The fact that we are on a Cruise ship in the middle of the Pacific, not having to blast system overlords or worry about saving the universe, and have a whole arsenal of food at our disposal; to do with what we please, whether that be eating it or throwing it at each other."

"I'll drink to that," Jack replied, before Sam poured him a drink and they clinked glasses together, before sculling the contents down.

"See, now this is a trip I can enjoy," he said, stretching.

"Told you it wouldn't be that bad. Eating, drinking, eating, sleeping, eating, drinking, with an occasional sword fight thrown in… not that bad at all, in my opinion."

"Oh, apart from the fact that you're wearing a towel as a top, and that we're handcuffed, right Carter?" She smirked.

"Well, that doesn't matter, Sir. I'll forget soon enough, anyway." And with that she waved the bottle of champagne in his face before swigging some of it down, glass forgotten.

"Easy, Carter," he said, pulling it away from her. "I want some too, you know."

~~~

KNOCK KNOCK.

"Ice cream!" Jack declared gleefully, snatching the two bowls of ice cream from the woman standing there before shutting the door shut again.

"I don't think I can eat anymore, Sir," Sam said quietly, swaying slightly as she took another drink from the champagne bottle.

"Oh, come on, Carter-it's ice cream! Of course you can eat it!" He grabbed hold of a spoon and dug some out, before slipping it into her mouth.

"See? Now that's good, isn't it?" he asked. She nodded before shooing him away.

"I didn't ask you to start feeding me," she snapped. Jack was about to lower the spoon when she stopped him.

"I didn't ask you to stop, either." He grinned.

"I suppose your level of coordination has dropped to the point where you can't feed yourself anymore, right Carter?" he asked, spooning out some more ice cream and eyeing her with waggling eyebrows.

"Shut up and feed me."

~~~

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK. KNOCK KNOCK.

"Wait a second," Jack called, before turning back to Sam, who was doubled over the toilet and throwing up. Shaking his head, he pulled a strand of hair from her face and continued to rub her neck.

"See, I told you it wasn't such a good idea to drink that champagne," he said, sighing.

"I had… three drinks! You don't throw up after three drinks!"

"Unless you miscounted and it was much more."

KNOCK KNOCK.

"Hurry up, I have another delivery to make," the voice called. Jack glanced up before turning back to Sam again.

"You heard him," he stated pointedly.

"Well I'm going as quick as I can," she retorted, before going back down again.

"Hurry and open the door, God!" the voice shouted.

"Just leave it on the doorstep, then! For crying out loud!"

"I'm done, Sir."

"Oh, so now you stop…"

"I'm not allowed to leave it here! You've got to get it yourself!"

"Lucky you finished, Carter… Carter?" She was throwing up again.

"I don't think it's the alcohol anymore, Sir," she mumbled.

"Yo! What's going on in there?"

"Okay, I think I'm done."

"You sure?"

"I'm sure."

"Helllooooo…?"

"Shut up! Are you sure you're alright now?" Jack asked, turning back to Sam, who nodded, pulling the towel closer to her.

"Yeah… I think so…"

"YO!!"

"Jesus Christ… come on…" Jack muttered, before he and Sam quickly made their way over to the door. He flung it open only to find that the deliverer was walking away and had left their order on the doorstep.

"Hey! HEY!" The man glanced round at them.

"What the hell is it now? You've already wasted enough of my time!"

"I thought you said you weren't allowed to do that!" Jack pointed at the bowl on the ground, and the man shrugged.

"Look, I have a lot to do, alright? I can't wait around here forever, waiting for you to open the door while you two get dressed. And if you're going to make me wait, the least you could do is get fully changed," he added, indicating Sam, before walking off again.

"Asshole!" Jack shouted, before picking up the bowl and slamming the door shut.

"See, this is the reason why that guy squished egg into your hair, Sir," Sam mumbled, her words slightly slurred.

"Oh? What would that reason be, Carter?" he asked. "Because I have absolutely no frigging idea." He spooned out some jelly from the bowl and dug it into his mouth, and she grinned, before continuing on.

"Sir… sometimes… you… alienate people." There was a pause as Jack sucked on the spoon, before he pointed it at her.

"Yet you're still here." She nodded slowly.

"Well… yes."

"I don't care about any of the people on this ship. Good riddance if I alienate them."

"Sir, we have another three days…" He suddenly forced a spoonful of jelly into her mouth, and there was silence as she swallowed it down and stared up at him with narrowed eyes.

"You did that to shut me up, didn't you, Sir?" There was another silence, before he finally nodded.

"Yeah."

"Well… give me more of that jelly."

~~~

A/N: I don't know how to spell en guarde, lol. Is that it? Hmm.