A/N: This is Part Eighteen of the CLOSURE series. This is a sequel of the ENOUGH series, so please read that one first or this won't make any sense. I apologize for the delay. This little thing called my day job kept me somewhat busy.

Disclaimer: You should know that this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in getting the show on the air.

Feedback: As you wish.

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Runaway

Had she heard correctly?

Had Spike just referred to her as his heaven and his hell?

"What did you just say?" She asked. Spike's eyes closed and she saw him tremble a bit. When he opened his eyes they were once again yellow. He tried to stand up and bite her but she reacted first, slamming her fist into his face. He managed to grab her coat and dragged her down with him.

As they rolled on the ground, Buffy got the upper hand and ended up sitting on Spike's lap, slamming him to the floor.

"Get off me." Spike said.

"You know I can't until you tell me what I want to know." Buffy said, "Please."

"Get off." Spike repeated.

"I don't want to behave like I did before, Spike." Buffy almost pleaded, "So talk to me."

"I'm talking. Get off."

"Don't be like this."

"I hate repeating myself. Get off."

"Heaven and hell, Spike, what did you mean with that?"

Spike looked away. He had blown one of his secrets and he didn't want to face it. Buffy searched for his eyes; she knew that she could make him talk.

"You know what I meant." Spike finally said.

"I don't. Not fully." She answered.

"I thought I made my point clear when I left three years ago." Spike said, "Or that I reinforced it tonight."

"Yes, you said you'd kill me if you saw me again. Yet you didn't. Why?"

The question was indeed a good one. Why had Spike not killed the slayer when he had her at his mercy?

He didn't want to think about the options.

"Just because I didn't tonight doesn't mean I won't tomorrow." Spike growled. Buffy cringed at the sudden change of tone but she had a purpose; she wouldn't let him drag her into a fight.

"You know that maybe tomorrow I could die anyways." She said, "I'm the slayer, remember?"

"I'm aware of it." Spike said, his tone changing a bit.

"Death threats are part of my life." She stated.

"If you don't get off then the threat will become a reality." Spike insisted. Buffy sighed but made no attempt to get up.

"I don't understand you, Spike." Buffy said, looking at a distant spot on the wall, "What do you want?"

Spike struggled and tried to get free. Buffy shifted her weight and forced him back down once again, grabbing his wrists to avoid getting hit in the face.

Yet, Spike didn't even seem to be trying. It's not as if the alcohol in his veins slowed him down, Buffy had seen him fight hammered and he still put up a better fight.

"Please, Spike. What's wrong with you?"

"You are everything that is wrong!" Spike growled, showing his fangs at her. She stared at him and noticed something; his eyes reflected not fury, but sadness and pain.

"I know I wasn't nice with you." Buffy said, also struggling to keep him under control, "But I tried to talk with you before you left. I wanted to say I was sorry."

"A little late, isn't it, slayer?" He hissed.

"Don't call me slayer." She said, "I've been called like that for so long."

"That's who you are." Spike replied, "That's what you do."

"Stop being sarcastic." She said. Spike hissed once again and made another attempt at getting free. Buffy now noticed that he was serious and reacted the only way she could, punching him as hard as she could. Spike's head bounced back from the floor because of the brutal impact, blood flowing freely from his mouth and nose. The hit was strong enough to knock him out but he managed to remain awake. His body went limp for a few moments before he regained control of himself. Buffy witnessed her power at work and felt regret for having hit him so hard.

"Spike, I'm sorry!" She said, "I didn't mean to…"

"Why wouldn't you just leave me alone?" Spike asked, his voice raspy and slow because of the blood pouring from his mouth.

"What?"

"I left you alone, like you wanted." Spike softly said, "I stopped bothering you."

"Listen, Spike, we…"

"But you wouldn't leave me alone." Spike continued, trying to free his hands from the slayer's iron grip, "Not even because I was on the other side of the planet."

"Spike…"

"Not when I forgot about you. When I had managed to live a life of my own."

"But…"

"I'm tired of this, slayer." Spike said, "I can't do this anymore."

"I know, Spike, but I want to tell you that…"

"Stop." Spike interrupted, "I don't want to hear what you have to say."

"You have to…"

"I don't have to do anything."

"Shut up!" Buffy shouted, "Will you let me talk?!"

"There's nothing to talk about." Spike said. This time, he pulled his arm and he managed to free his arm. Buffy thought that Spike would try to hit her, so she instinctively lifted her arm to protect her. To her surprise, Spike didn't attempt to hit her; he only wiped the blood from his mouth and nose, taking an extra moment to check the damage done to his face.

"Thought I'd hit you, didn't you?" He said, without looking at her. Buffy didn't answer, she just stared at him.

"That's the problem with you, slayer." Spike said, still holding his face, "You look at me and you see the monster. You see me trying to bite you. Why do you want to talk when you can't even trust me? What's the point to all of this, then?"

Buffy stared at him, but she couldn't find an answer to his questions. Indeed, why did she want to talk to him?

"Uhm, the thing is…"

"There is no thing, slayer." Spike growled, "I'm sick of this. You used me in every sense of the word and now you want to do so again. Why do you keep doing this? Do you get off by seeing me down?"

Buffy's throat closed a bit after hearing Spike say those things, and yet, she knew that he had his own reasons for thinking that way.

"If you could only let me explain…"

"No." Spike interrupted again, "No more words from you. I don't want to listen to you. I don't want to see you again. Ever. You wanted me to explain? Fine. You're my heaven and my hell, slayer. You were heaven all those times you treated me like a man. All those times when you confided in me, when you saw beyond the monster I am. But when all your soddin' friends were around, you treated me again like shit. Every time we shagged was a bittersweet experience, because I thought you were enjoying it as much as I did, only to have you kick me and punch me every time you scratched your itch."

She shook her head and then some tears fell.

"I know it was wrong!" She blurted out, "I have no excuse for doing the things I did, but…"

"No!" Spike growled once more, "There is nothing you can say that could fix all the shit you pulled on me. What did you expect, slayer? That I'd crawl back and lie on my back so you could poke some more at my guts? Not bloody likely. Now get off."

"I lied." Buffy softly said, barely a whisper.

"I don't care. Get off."

"I said I could never love you. I lied."

"Are you deaf or just stupid? Get off."

"I finally realized what you tried to do when you were with me."

"Move, you bloody bint."

"I knew that you wanted to be William for me."

"Sod off, slayer."

"And every time you tried to do so, I tore you down."

"Move."

"And I realized that some time ago."

"Good for you. Now get the hell away before I rip your fucking face off!"

Buffy seemed shocked at the sudden outburst, which presented Spike with the opportunity he needed. He slammed his left hand against her face with all the strength he had. Buffy reeled backwards but tried to keep her grip on him. Spike, however, did not give up and punched her again. Her weight shifted a bit, which Spike used to his advantage and finally threw her away from him. He stumbled up; still a bit dizzy from her earlier savage hit to his face, and made a run for the door.

"There is nothing I can do, then?" She asked, still on the floor. Had her voice not sounded so weak and desperate, Spike would not have stopped on his mad run towards the door.

"You broke the deal, slayer." Spike said, without turning around, "I promised you that if I ever saw you I'd have to kill you. I didn't, so you see, I also broke the deal."

He then turned around, but his eyes were no longer yellow and his fangs had receded.

"So I'll repeat it again. Don't look for me. Don't even think about me anymore. I'm nothing to you, remember?"

"I need you."

"Bollocks. You only need your self-righteous belief that you're better than everybody else."

"No!" She said, "I need all of you here! Don't you see? I want you to come back!"

"No."

"Yes!"

"Stop it, slayer."

"Believe me!"

"Stop playing games."

"Dammit! What will it take for you to believe me?"

"Shut up."

"Spike, I'm getting tired of you not believing me…"

"Why should I!?" Spike shouted, "Give me one reason why I should believe you."

"What if I told you that I think I could love you?"

Spike felt as if she had punched him again. A phrase that would have made him jump with joy now felt like a slap in the face. So that was the way things were? He had to ignore her and go away so that she could admit something for him? That was not how he wanted things to happen. It was not a victory. She was not admitting an undying love for him. She was using words to keep him there. She was once again twisting his love for her. He was a monster, wasn't he? He didn't have a soul. He could be jerked around like a puppet.

"Sorry, slayer. Your admission comes three years too late."

And with that, he ran away into the night.

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Buffy cried softly when Spike uttered his final words for the night. The worst part of it all was that now she was finally beginning to understand how he felt all those years ago. She understood that she had been so mean to him, but he surely wasn't nice to her. Most of the time.

She was fooling herself, because in the final two years they had been together, Spike had been a lot nicer to her than she was to him. She briefly remembered the exchange of words both of them had in those years, and Spike's words were nicer than hers.

"I love you."

"You're in my gut."

"I'm drowning in you."

"Cause Buffy... the other, not so pleasant Buffy... anything happened to Dawn, it'd destroy her. I couldn't live, her bein' in that much pain. Let Glory kill me first. Nearly bloody did."

"I know you never loved me. I know that I'm a monster. But you treat me like a man, and that's…"

She weighed those words to hers, and some more tears fell.

"You're beneath me."

"The only chance you had with me was when I was unconscious."

"Stay away from my life!"

"You're an evil, soulless thing!"

"You can't love!"

"I'm using you."

"It's over, William."

Spike was right. There was nothing she could do to fix things up.

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He ran without any direction. He just knew that he had to get away; away from that place, away from Sunnydaly, away from the slayer, away from everything.

There was nothing that made sense in his life. He had no purpose anymore, and whenever he found something he could do, it was shattered immediately.

Then again, there was one place where he always felt comfortable and needed. A place where he lived his only happy years.

A place that always managed to bring sense into his life.

He knew he belonged there, and he wanted that back.

He'd have to find Drusilla.

End of Chapter.