A/N: This is Part Twenty-one of the CLOSURE series. This is a sequel of the ENOUGH series, so please read that one first or this won't make any sense.

Disclaimer: You should know that this belongs to Joss Whedon and the parties involved in getting the show on the air.

Feedback: As you wish.

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The Golden Queen

"So you finally gave up?" Dawn asked.

"More or less. Yes. I don't know." Buffy answered. She had been thinking about the things that Giles had said to her. He had a point. But she didn't want to let go of Spike. She felt she owed him a massive apology and so did her friends.

Also, she didn't want him to roam free unchecked. Should Spike return to his old ways, he'd be a very dangerous vampire. When years went by and she died, a new, inexperienced slayer would not be able to defeat him.

And more would die.

"Giles convinced you to stop looking for him?" Dawn kept asking. Buffy sighed.

"Something like that. He made some interesting points."

"I'm sorry, Buffy."

"Hey. You called me 'Buffy'"

"Yeah. It's been a while."

A giant smile covered Buffy's face.

"I'm sorry, kiddo."

"I'm the one who is sorry. I've been a bitch to you for over two years."

"No need to apologize, Dawn. The only one who deserves an apology isn't here."

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So.

His life had been a long one.

He lived as a human for what? 24, 25 or 27 years?

He couldn't remember anymore. He only remembered the date when he was turned into the creature he was today.

Approximately, he had been alive, for the lack of a better word, for almost 150 years. Quite some time.

Not as long as his sire, his grandsire or his great-grandsire.

But nevertheless, a long time.

And he had loved three women in that time.

Loved?

Let's see.

Cecily.

Being honest, she had been an infatuation. A star, almost, only to be looked at but never to be possessed. She didn't love him back. In some ways, she had been one of the reasons why he became a vampire.

No.

He wouldn't blame anyone else for his mistakes. Never again.

He became a vampire because of some other circumstances. If he hadn't been so much of a ponce to attend the party that night, his peers wouldn't have mocked him and he wouldn't have ran off into the night, only to be met by his fate.

Many circumstances.

After that, the century of bliss next to Drusilla.

Bliss?

The constant tortures at the hands of Angelus and the increasing mockery imparted by that bitch Darla helped in transforming him into the savage vampire he had been.

But he calmed down when he was alone with Drusilla.

He fed, yes, but he didn't torture and he certainly didn't play mind games with is prey. The slayers he killed died on a fair fight.

Simple.

His unlife was simple as that. He fed off humans, but he thrived on the fight. The feeding was vital for him to survive, but so was the fighting. Had he not fought all those years, he surely would have lost his mind along with Drusilla.

Being honest, that century had not been entirely bliss, but he was happy.

Then comes Sunnydale and the slayer.

Buffy.

Was it right for him to refer to her as Buffy?

She surely never showed him that side of her. He only knew the slayer in her, not the mix that made her whole.

He was never allowed to see the whole Buffy Anne Summers. He saw the slayer, sure. He saw the weak girl at times, sure.

But he never saw her as whole as she could be.

Either she was pissed of at him, 'slayer mode', or she was 'lost Buffy'.

He didn't like either of the two.

Well, that was a lie. He enjoyed the slayer part. Where Riley had been intimidated, Spike reveled. He was a vampire, after all, and as he had said to Angelus, he respected strength and intelligence.

The slayer lacked a bit on the brains department, but she made up for it with her remarkable loyalty.

That only covered the slayer part, but what about the woman?

The only glimpses he got of the woman were when she saw Angelus, the night he tried to kill her but couldn't because she was crying, and when she kissed him softly for not giving her up to the Glory bitch.

And?

Nothing more.

Then why did he love her so much?

He enjoyed being hit? In a way, yes, for it meant that she touched him.

Honestly, he wasn't used to softness. All his love life had been shared next to a brutal vampire, and well, vampires like some sort of stuff that humans could consider sick and twisted.

He never had any experience with human girls. Or women. Nothing at all.

Ok.

Hands off.

Why in the bleeding hell did he love the slayer?

Why?

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"New life, new love?" Willow timidly said to her friend. Buffy smiled sadly and nodded.

"We'll see, Will. Let's see what life brings on."

"What to do now?"

"Oh, I don't know. Give it two days and I'm certain that something will come up and we'll end up avoiding another apocalypse. Routine."

"How sad is that?"

"Oh, very sad. Our lives are the stuff of comic books and bad TV shows."

"Yeah right, who would want to see a girl killing vampires?"

Both girls laughed loud. They knew what it was to love and lose. Willow lost Oz and Buffy had lost plenty of men in her life.

"What would you have thought?" Buffy suddenly said.

"About what?" The redhead answered.
"Uh, you know. Spike and me?"

"Oh.  I don't know."

"Try? Please?"

"Promise not to get mad at me?" Willow asked.

"'Course not." Buffy said.

"Promise."

Buffy laughed.

"Cross my heart and hope to die."

"Spike loved you. I knew it. Tara knew it. Dawn knew it. I bet that even Giles knew it. The only ones who never believed it were you and Xander. I believe that given the chance, Spike would have made you happy."

"How long were you waiting to tell me that?"

"About two days after you told me about the contract."

"Even in Canada? Where I almost told you I missed him?"

"Even there."

"Wow. Everyone here keeps their secrets."

"No secrets, Buffy. It's just that you don't deal very well when we confront you with the obvious."

Buffy stared ahead. They were talking on the kitchen. The sun crept by the trees and the night would soon show up. But no vampire would come up barging through the front door.

"I miss him." Buffy admitted.

"I know. In a way, I miss him too."

"Nothing I can do about it."

"I'm sorry, Buffy. I'm here with you."

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Scotch always helped. Or tequila. Or rum. Or beer.

Whatever.

He didn't remember when he began drinking so much. Was it after Dru dumped him? Or when he got chipped?

It helped in a way, because even his dreams were haunted for a while.

When he finally realized he loved the slayer, the dreams were charged with a huge amount of sex. Enjoyable dreams, actually, but he ached in a way because he thought at the time that he'd never hold her that way.

Then the stupid bint died and his dreams were even worse. Every night he dreamt that he saved her, in different and faster ways. She'd be so grateful that she'd give him the chance to prove himself. No sex in those dreams, only gratitude and satisfaction.

Ok, there was sex sometimes but it wasn't that which made him cry when he woke up. It was because he knew she was dead and nothing could bring her back.

The alcohol helped him to sleep without dreaming.

The dreams became worst when she came back, because she was no longer within his reach. It seemed that she was opening to him but then everything went sour and they began sleeping together.

Shagging was the correct term.

Even in those intimate moments she was not a woman with him. She was the slayer in bed, as well. As he had thought of it before, she was only scratching an itch.

Nothing else.

Again, why the fuck did he love her?

She wasn't nice to him.
She didn't trust him.

She didn't love him back.

But…

The way she cared for everyone else but her.

How she always placed the needs of her friends before her own.

When her mother was ill, she trusted no one with her burden and let it eat her inside without breaking down.

She was faithful and her spirit was untainted even by all those years of pain and hurt.

She loved her friends with all her heart. She forgave them for all the stupid things they did to her.

Another bittersweet feeling washed over him. Sure, her friends could do all those things but she'd never forgive him for trying to kill her.

He was a vampire, for crying out loud!

He lost the battle with himself. He knew he loved her, no matter what she did or what she could do.

He'd always love her.

Now he understood why Angelus had left her before.

He was a monster, and she deserved someone so much better than him or his grandsire.

But who?

Who could be the man for her? Someone who could be her equal, who had the strength to match her and the knowledge of what she did every night, without freaking out about it.

The principle appealed to him but the idea of her cuddling up to someone else infuriated him. He could fool himself and others by pretending he didn't love her anymore, but, dammit, he still did.

He did with all his dead heart.

Even when he fought her, he admired her on every sense of the word. He could never stay mad at her, not mattering what she did to him.

He managed to forget about her but he still felt something for her. Even with his brain all screwed up, he still had dreams about her. The pretty blonde who haunted his dreams had been a constant in his days as a bounty hunter.

The only question now was whether she could forgive him for what he did to Cap Cardboard and Angelus. She had said something the other night that he didn't want to think about.

She said that she could love him someday.

Or something along those lines.

But what if she lied?

What if she only wanted him to lose his cool and let his guard down?

He could return, of course. Dawn was still there and he loved that girl. If he came back, he'd have to offer her one big, giant apology for the way he behaved with her.

If he came back.

What was there to win?

What was there to lose?

His pride? He had already earned it by becoming his own man. By managing to live outside of the shadow of his predecessors and doing something that no other vampire had done.

His dignity? As long as he felt comfortable with himself there was no problem there.

His love?

Was there any love left in him?

For Dawn, sure, but she was like a sister to him. Not mattering what happens, one always loves family.

But Buffy? The slayer?

He growled and shouted. He punched and he kicked.

He made a decision.

There would be no closure in his existence until he finally confronted Buffy.

.

End of Chapter.