Disclaimer: I do not own these characters. They are not mine. They never have been. They never will be. I haven't seen this plot used before, so I'm pretty sure it's mine, but then, I'm not really sure about a lot of things.

Dumbledore. Crazy old bat. Hasn't the slightest bit of sense, at least of the common sort. No, nothing about Dumbledore is common, least of all his sense. Snape thought to himself, bitingly. His classroom sharpness had spread to all quarters of his life, including private thought. Idiot students massing around the machines, complaining, crowding, talking. Why won't they realize that their current 'true-love', no matter how pure, will be gone in a week as likely as not, or the futility of discussing the homework I give - as if any argument they could give would be half-way convincing.

Little did the kindly professor know that, at that very moment, three students were discussing the futility of their arguments.

"It's not like he'll listen to anything you have to say. It's pointless to try, so lets get our homework done instead- please?"

"Oh, shut it about the homework, Hermione. Haven't you realized that your arguments in favor of our getting every assignment done early are futile? And besides, this book might be useful..." Ron turned back to the muggle book Harry held with great interest.

* * * * *

At the start of the summer holidays Harry had found, to his delight, that Dudley had been forced to take up a sport or activity for his fifth year at Smeltings. Seeing as beating people up wasn't offered and any other options involved exercise or creative talent, Dudley was put in the Debate program.

"Club full of pansies!" Vernon Dursley had been heard to mutter before forcing Harry to help Dudley practice, adding, "A bunch of pansies won't do better than my son... or they'd better not!" The last was said threateningly to Harry, who realized that he'd better learn some of the finer points of debate, and fast.

Thankfully, Dudley had brought a book. This book would never be seen in the chambers of Hogwarts' library, nor in most respectable muggle equivalents; it was, however, quite typical of the Smeltings attitude. Fighting with words- a last resort. Figures. It took all of Harry's monumental willpower to open the cover.

Surprisingly enough, it turned out to be a reasonable guide to the art of debate. Harry read it through once, then once again. Dudley will love this... he'll learn to insult people without getting in trouble. Of course, I'll be the one who has to teach him, since a bunch of 'mamma's boys' can't possibly do better than Dudley Dursley.

Harry snorted. Debate seems like the perfect activity for Slytherins... they certainly know how to insult people, and could finally put it to use productively. For that matter, debate would be perfect for Snape! I wonder...

His thought was lost as Dudley thundered up the stairs and pounded on his door. "Get out here, you!" His door was ripped open, and Harry could see that Dudley was not at all happy to be told to go to Harry for help. What a wonderful summer this will be...

* * * * *

The summer had, in fact been one of the worse ones, and that was saying a lot- but it had given Harry a number of ideas for the coming year.

"You see, if we could just out-talk Snape, maybe he would get flustered, or break into tears, and the whole year would suddenly be worth it." Harry said, closing the book and standing up. He started to head down to the Great Hall, the other two following.

Hermione's look suggested that she found the idea very unlikely, but Harry continued on, "and it doesn't hurt to try- who wouldn't want to learn to argue?"

The conversation continued as the trio walked into the new students' lounge. Certainly one of Dumbledore's more interesting ideas, the lounge combined muggle and magical inventions to the delight of all. Couches were decorated in all house colors, with a corner for each house; there was a very well outfitted arcade, air hockey and ping-pong tables, and a number of tables for study groups. The most popular area by far, however, was the wall with vending machines. Muggle pops and candy bars, magical frogs and every flavor beans, most everything was available for one credit- and it was the credits that had Dumbledore praising his own genius.

Students had gained and lost house points daily, without any personal reward. The vending machines changed everything. Suddenly, one point gained automatically gave you one credit, and the reverse occurred if one was lost. Books were studied religiously in the hopes of answering a question correctly and earning points.

While Dumbledore had been heard to ask why he had not done this before, Snape despised the entire room. Hordes of students, loud students, in one place. Since the only way into the Great Hall was through the lounge, he braved the place four times a day, and his mood got worse with each passing. Students doing their work, extra careful just so that they can buy a candy bar. I'm running out of reasonable reasons to deduct points.

Though most of the students thought of Snape as anything but fair, he honestly didn't want to start taking points for no reason, especially since it would have to include his Slytherins. They were some of the loudest of the bunch, especially around the infernal machines.

* * * * *

Having already listened to Harry's pro-debate arguments and Hermione's rebuttals, Ron Weasley left his friends to push his way towards the 'infernal machines', the muggle pop dispenser in particular. Earlier in the day he had found a lost first year, and guided her to Transfiguration. While McGonagall had not been pleased with the new student, she had had to give Ron ten points.

Having heard the fizzy drinks described in great detail by Harry, who had snuck a bit at one of Dudley's birthday parties, and Hermione, whose parents occasionally splurged on a can of the 'liquid sugar', Ron was going to put his newly earned credits to good use.

Pepsi, Coke, Sprite, Seven-up... According to Harry and Hermione this was a surprising selection, as most schools and restaurants were endorsed by either Pepsi or Coke. What kind of name is Pepsi? And what are these Diet things? Do they make you thinner, the more you drink, or... I guess it's a muggle thing.

Despite the many options, most of which sounded utterly disgusting, Ron finally settled on the one Hermione had suggested: a nice, simple, Pepsi.

Snape strode across the lounge, radiating a strong 'stay away from me if you have any idea of what is good for you' attitude. He might have to walk through it, but he didn't have to like it, or leave anyone with any doubts as to whether he liked it.

Ron held his wand tip up to the credit hole, and the magical projection of a poker chip floated down into the machine. He pressed the button proclaiming "Pepsi," then reached down to pull out the brightly colored can that fell out of the dispenser.

Parvati Patil stepped from foot to foot behind Ron, waiting impatiently for her chance to try out the new machines. She knew exactly what she wanted: An ice cold Mr. Pibb. Just the name sounded cool, and Parvati Patil was nothing if not cool.

Snape walked faster still, trying to block out the noise of ten pinball machines, not to mention the students.

Ron triumphantly turned around with his prize, not noticing Parvati until he was falling to the floor with a resounding thunk. The Pepsi flew out of his hands like it was greased, landing with a thud at the edge of Snape's robes.

As Ron leapt over to grab the can from the vicinity of Snape, appearing to think that his very aura might contaminate it, and, trying to regain a semblance of dignity, immediately started to open the can, every muggle-born in the room reached out as if to stop him.

Hermione's voice rang out over all others. "Ron! NOOOO!"

It was too late.

A/N: Okay, pretty confusing, but it wanted to be written. Not finished yet, I do want to start a debate program at Hogwarts...see what happens with that...

My apologies to any offended debaters- I'm portraying my idea of what a Smeltings attitude would be. Harry will, hopefully, put this knowledge to good use. I've a lot of friends in debate, and wish that I could take it.