The One Where Gunther
Leaves © Bryan James,
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
This episode was intended to fall towards the end
of the final season. As far as where the
characters are, I'm making a few assumptions: First of all, Rachel and Ross are
not back together and are still feuding at every opportunity; Monica is now
pregnant and Joey and Phoebe are relatively unchanged.
In this
episode, the six Friends learn that Gunther is
leaving Central Perk. Gunther is upset he cannot
bring himself to tell Rachel of his nine-year-long crush on her before he
leaves. Also, Rachel is angry at Ross
for criticizing her appearance and Monica employs Phoebe to help her get
_________________________________________________________________________________________________
OPENING
SCENE: Joey and
Hey Gunther, can we get two
cappuccinos?
No
response from Gunther.
JOEY
Hello, earth to Gunther?
GUNTHER
What?
Two
cappuccinos, chop-chop.
GUNTHER
(glares
at them)
Ya, chop and chop.
So what's the matter? You
look out of it.
GUNTHER
No, just... bored. Did you ever wake up
one day and realize how
meaningless and
trivial and superficial your life
really is?
JOEY
Uh, no.
GUNTHER
(continued)
How you've never really
achieved anything
you really wanted in life and
probably
never will? How you --
(interrupts,
points to sofa)
We're gonna sit over there
now.
Joey
sits on the sofa beside Rachel.
JOEY
So you're still wearing those
sandals,
Rache?
RACHEL
What's wrong with my
sandals?
Joey
and
JOEY
Uh,
nothing.
RACHEL
Joey!
JOEY
Well, Ross was complaining the other
day that he can't stand those
sandals
you wear all the time. He said
they're
ugly.
RACHEL
He did, did he? What else
did he say?
Well, uh, since you ask, he mentioned
you're dressing like a bag lady
lately
and 'Does she think having a
baby is a
licence to give up on her
appearance?'
and he can't stand those sweat
pants
you wear all the time,
etcetera,
etcetera, bla,
bla, bla.
RACHEL
Why didn't he tell ME about this? God,
I'm so sick of him criticizing me
behind my back. I'm gonna go over there
right now and CUT HIS TONGUE OUT!
JOEY
(to
Good thing he didn't cheat on her.
Rachel
returns her mug to the counter where Gunther takes it.
RACHEL
Gunther, do you think I've
let myself
go?
DISSOLVE
TO: Gunther's fantasy vision, the room darkens and a warm spotlight is shone on
a goddess-like Rachel, arms out-stretched as if levitating, wind flowing
through her long, golden hair and beautiful, silky gown. She smiles at Gunther,
but then says bluntly...
RACHEL
Well, speak up.
CUT:
back to reality...
GUNTHER
You're the most beautiful
woman in the
world.
RACHEL
Oh, Gunther, you're so
sweet.
She
pinches his cheek and leaves. He smiles broadly and stands frozen again, as if
lost in a daydream.
JOEY
Hey man, you're whigging out on us
again.
Gunther
faints to the floor.
OPENING CREDITS & Commercial.
SCENE
(continued from earlier):
Are you okay?
GUNTHER
Ya, I'm just not myself lately. This
big change has me all out of
sorts.
JOEY
What big change?
GUNTHER
New carpets –- I'm moving to
JOEY
Since
when?
GUNTHER
Since two weeks ago. Today's my last day.
JOEY
(to
You been keepin' secrets
from me
again?
Ya, Joe, especially when you're not
paying attention!
JOEY
So what's in
GUNTHER
Uh, my mother lives there and she needs
someone to be with her on account
of
her... problem.
JOEY
Problem?
GUNTHER
It's called respiratory consciousness
disorder. Something weird just makes
her lose consciousness whenever
she
encounters anything that causes stress
or excitement.
Joey gets that whenever a
pizza
commercial comes on TV.
GUNTHER
Well, it's pretty rare, but the doctor
assured me it's NOT HEREDITARY!
Okay. Calm down. You know
what we should
do, Gunther?
JOEY
I'm suddenly in the mood for
pizza.
(to
Gunther)
Can't
hardly
say that word around him.
Joey and I will take you out on the town
tonight, maybe go to some clubs,
see
some pretty girls, huh?
GUNTHER
Really?
JOEY
Some strip clubs!
And get really blotto.
GUNTHER
I don't drink.
JOEY
And go to some more strip
clubs!
GUNTHER
Do you think we can get
Rachel... and
Phoebe and
Monica to come along?
No, this is more of a guys night out.
JOEY
You'll get a chance to say your
goodbyes to all the gang.
Except Rachel has that big dinner with
her mother tonight.
GUNTHER
(crestfallen)
Ah.
He
faints again.
SCENE:
Monica and
Ah! Don't do that.
MONICA
Why not?
I could have hurt myself.
MONICA
(she
embraces him
aggressively)
I could get one of those electric
cattle prods. You can try it on
me.
No, I'm just... not in the
mood.
MONICA
Seems like you're never in
the mood
anymore.
So the answer is shock treatments? I
just don't want to mess around
at...
MONICA
Well, when do you want to? Do I have to
make an appointment?
Some other
time.
She
smirks. ENTER Phoebe...
PHOEBE
Hey guys. What's up?
MONICA
Oh, I've just been trying to seduce
PHOEBE
Should I leave?
MONICA
No Phoebe, it's okay.
Can we change the subject
please?
PHOEBE
(ignores
him)
So,
anymore?
MONICA
No. I don't know what it is, either.
Maybe too many salty snacks,
put his
metabolism out of whack.
She
snatches a bag of potato chips away from him.
Or maybe my wife has gotten randy as a
goat since she started
expecting. I
thought a baby was supposed to
bring
out your maternal instincts,
not your
lets-do-it-on-the-kitchen-floor
instincts.
MONICA
Well, I just thought --
Do we need to discuss this
in front
of people?
PHOEBE
Oh, don't be embarrassed. I'VE done things
that would make...
(she
notices Monica and
but THAT'S another story.
nervous being around you when
you're prego.
He doesn't want to upset you.
MONICA
Upset me, how?
PHOEBE
Well, a lot of guys don't want to do
it with a pregnant woman
because they
think they might harm the baby.
MONICA
Well, that's crazy!
So said
the logical one.
(he pinches her butt)
MONICA
(yelps)
Ow!
PHOEBE
Or, he doesn't find you
attractive
anymore.
MONICA
What?
PHOEBE
(to
Well?
Phoebe, I'm Sleepy, not Bashful.
I'm just
not motivated to do it when
she's --
MONICA
Are you sure? Pregnancy is doing wonderful
things for my breasts. Wanna see?
No!
MONICA
(as
he runs away)
More like Grumpy, if you ask
me!
PHOEBE
Okay, I can fix this.
(then,
looks at Monica's chest)
Wow.
SCENE:
Rachel enters the coffee house to find Ross. She is carrying a couple shopping
bags.
RACHEL
So, Ross, how are YOUR feet
today?
ROSS
What?
RACHEL
Are your shoes comfortable, not too
tight are they? I heard they
we're
giving you problems.
ROSS
No.
RACHEL
Here, let me
see.
Suddenly she stomps on Ross' foot. He yells out in
pain.
ROSS
What was that
for?
RACHEL
I don't know. Who was it that was
telling people I walk around in
ugly
sandals all day, wearing old pants
and looking, how did you put
it, LIKE
A BAG LADY?!
ROSS
Rachel, calm down.
RACHEL
How could you say things like that, Ross?
You know, I really don't care how you
think I look, but to go around
gossiping
about me behind my back, that
really
pisses me off!
ROSS
And it makes your hair do that woo-hoo
thing.
Rachel
snaps her head around to glare at Ross.
ROSS (cont'd)
You're gonna
hurt your neck doing that.
(pause)
So, are you gonna straighten up a little
or what?
RACHEL
What?
Rachel
tries to stomp on his foot again but misses.
ROSS
Well, is it true? Did you lose the map to
your closet full of nice clean clothes?
RACHEL
(makes
a fist)
You pig! I'm gonna --
Rachel's
cell phone rings. She takes it out of her purse and answers.
RACHEL
(into
phone)
Okay, I'm on my way.
(to
Ross, pointing at him
menacingly)
This is not over!
ROSS
Don't forget your bag, lady.
SCENE:
Back at Monica's Place.
MONICA
So how do we gonna get
interested in sex again?
PHOEBE
(smiles)
Oh, Monica, naïve girl. It's not like
trying to get Panda bears to do
it. We
just gotta
figure out what captures
MONICA
You mean a costume, or role
playing?
PHOEBE
Ya that, or painting your butt
with
honey.
MONICA
Don't tell me I have to start dressing
in all kinds of slutty outfits and
throw myself at him.
PHOEBE
No, no, no. Well, only half right. You
dress sexy and then don't let him
even
touch you. You see, offer him the
candy but then pull it away at
the
last second. Pretty soon, he'll
be
wanting it so bad, he'll start
humping
the furniture.
MONICA
Like a Panda bear?
PHOEBE
Exactly.
LATER:
At Monica and
C'mon, you're blocking the
TV.
MONICA
TV, we don't need no
stinking TV.
Hey, what's up with you?
MONICA
I went shopping today. You
like it?
(growls)
Arrrr, yes I do.
MONICA
(withdraws,
mock emotion)
Well, that's too bad. I'm
not in the
mood!
(suddenly
uninterested again)
Oh, okay. Do we have any
more pop?
MONICA
(disappointed)
Aaaahhh!!!
She grabs his popcorn from him and walks away eating it herself...
SCENE: Monica's Place. Monica and Phoebe are discussing Phoebe's plan.
PHOEBE
So it didn't work out?
MONICA
No, and I felt like such a fool, doing
dishes in my negligee to try and
entice
dishes to wash!
PHOEBE
You know, you could have
changed before
you did the dishes.
MONICA
But they were dirty!!
PHOEBE
Okay. Well, maybe we need a
different
strategy.
MONICA
Like what?
PHOEBE
Maybe it's not about sex.
Maybe it's
you.
MONICA
Pardon me?
PHOEBE
Hear me out. All guys
fantasize about
being with another woman, right?
MONICA
Ya, so.
PHOEBE
So, we'll give him one.
MONICA
What?
PHOEBE
It's called displacement. It's a
legitimate technique in sex therapy.
The stimulus remains the same but the
identity changes. We'll get another
woman to seduce him and just when
he's
ready to pounce, we change the
object
of his desire back to where
it's
supposed to be. But the key is it
won't
be a stranger so he won't
really be
cheating on you. It has to be
someone
he knows, a friend he's
attracted to –
like ME!
MONICA
Phoebe, that's nuts.
PHOEBE
No, I read about it in a
book.
MONICA
What book?
PHOEBE
Cosmo.
MONICA
I'm not gonna
let you seduce
PHOEBE
Oh, c'mon, it'd be fun.
MONICA
No.
PHOEBE
Okay then, hypnosis.
ENTER
Ross.
ROSS
What about hypnosis?
PHOEBE
We're gonna get
sex again by hypnotizing him.
ROSS
Ya right.
PHOEBE
Oh, I forgot. The professor
doesn't
believe in hypnosis.
ROSS
It's not science! It's just the power
of suggestion taking over
weak-willed
people – and blondes. Anyone with
an
ounce of intelligence can't be
hypnotized.
PHOEBE
Okay, Doctor Greasehead. How much do you
bet I could hypnotize you?
ROSS
A hundred
bucks.
PHOEBE
You're on.
SCENE:
Strip Club. Gunther sits between Joey and
What do you think?
GUNTHER
They're like bus drivers
with no clothes
on.
Which bus do YOU take? What's the matter?
GUNTHER
Oh, it's not them. It's...
I've got things
on my mind.
JOEY
I've got things on my mind, too.
(he
waves at a stripper)
There are coffee shops in
GUNTHER
No, not that.
JOEY
Then what?
GUNTHER
Have you ever been in love?
JOEY
I don't think I'm your type.
Who is she?
GUNTHER
I can't tell you. I can't even tell her.
That's the problem.
We understand. You're shy. Y'know, there's
a cure for shyness...
(he
picks up his drink)
JOEY
When did you meet her?
GUNTHER
Nine years ago.
Nine years, and you still
haven't told
her?
GUNTHER
No.
JOEY
Whoa. This could be a
stalker movie. Why
haven't you told her?
GUNTHER
Well, she was with this other guy for
a long time and then she
wasn't and
then she was and... it's very
complicated.
JOEY
You got to tell her, man, before you
leave. C'mon, what is it?
Whatever the
problem is, I'm sure it's happened
to
me before.
GUNTHER
She thinks I'm gay.
JOEY
That's never happened to me
-- maybe
Ya, so what? Listen man. Just be
yourself, tell her how you feel.
Even
if nothing comes of it, you'll
regret
it for the rest of your life
if you
don't at least try.
GUNTHER
I know.
JOEY
(to
So who thought you were gay?
Do we really need to make a list?
SCENE:
Monica's place, continued from earlier. Phoebe is going to hypnotize Ross.
PHOEBE
Okay, Monica, you have a
video camera?
MONICA
Ya. Why?
PHOEBE
We need to tape Ross being hypnotized or
he'll never believe it worked.
MONICA
Okay sure.
PHOEBE
Sit back, relax, Ross. Close your eyes.
Relax every muscle in your body. Now
I'm going to count backwards from ten
-– and no touching yourself,
please.
ROSS
Okay.
PHOEBE
Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five,
four, three, two... one.
(pause)
Ross
is under her spell.
PHOEBE (cont'd):
What is your name?
ROSS
Ross.
PHOEBE
And where do you live?
ROSS
PHOEBE
How old are you?
ROSS
Thirty-four.
ENTER
Rachel. She observes quietly...
PHOEBE
What is your favourite
color?
ROSS
Purple.
PHOEBE
What is your favourite
month?
ROSS
September,
back to school.
PHOEBE
(quietly,
to Monica)
Even his dreams are nerdy.
(to
Ross)
Listen carefully. From now on, whenever
you hear a telephone ring,
you're gonna
take off your pants immediately.
ROSS
Okay.
Rachel
whispers something in Phoebe's ear.
PHOEBE
And whenever anybody says shoes, you're
gonna quack like a duck.
ROSS
Okay.
PHOEBE
(snaps
her fingers)
Wake up.
ROSS
What, nothing happened. See
I told you.
RACHEL
Oh, this should be fun.
Rachel
dials Monica's number with her cell phone. No reaction from Ross.
PHOEBE
Damn, it didn't work.
ROSS
What didn't work?
Ross looks lost and confused. The girls stare at him until he leaves.
SCENE:
Gunther enters the hallway outside Joey's apartment. He is very drunk,
supported by Joey and
GUNTHER
(sings)
Once I had a railroad, made
it run,
made it run to the sea...
(speaks to
Y'know, this stuff ain't bad.
Monica
enters from her place.
MONICA
What's up with Gunther?
We introduced him to a new
drink
tonight.
MONICA
What's that?
GUNTHER
Alcohol.
MONICA
So why are you bringing him here? You
should have taken him home...
(she
holds her nose)
where he could smell up his own
place.
He insisted on coming here to say goodbye
to everyone before he leaves
tomorrow
morning.
MONICA
Oh, I feel sorry for the person who has
to sit beside him on the
plane.
JOEY
Actually he's taking the train. He's
afraid of flying.
GUNTHER
It's so HIGH!
Is Rachel around?
MONICA
No.
GUNTHER
Ah.
He
passes out. Joey takes him into his place.
SCENE (early next morning): Ross enters Monica's place. Rachel and Monica are at the breakfast table. Rachel is reading the paper.
ROSS
Hey Rache, anything good in the paper?
RACHEL
Not especially.
ROSS
Well, maybe you should try the University
gossip column. "Students are
cautioned to
give Professor Ross Geller a
wide berth
when they see him coming.
According to
divorce papers filed by his wife
Jezebel,
he is suffering from premature
senility
and bouts of manic hysteria
brought on by
a long history of mental
illness and drug
abuse." Did you have anything to
do with
this, JEZEBEL?
RACHEL
(laughs)
Gee, did you marry me again? There's a
lot of anecdotal evidence
attesting to
your instability, Ross. Have you
ever
spoken in a British accent?
ROSS
Rachel, this is a university and
professors are supposed to be
respected.
How do you think it makes me look if
the students think I'm a
nut-case?
RACHEL
Well, I'm sorry Ross. I was upset. It
isn't so nice when people go
around
saying things about you behind
your
back, is it?
ROSS
No, I suppose not.
RACHEL
Okay, I'll call the lady at the paper
and tell her the truth -- that
you're
only half crazy.
MONICA
New shoes?
ROSS
Quack. No.
The
girls start laughing at him.
ROSS
(continued)
What? What's so funny?
RACHEL
Nothing, just admiring your
shoes,
that's all –- shoes!
ROSS
Quack,
quack.
Ross
is utterly confused again. He looks
around and then leaves.
MONICA
Where is my video camera
when I need it?
(she picks it up)
Hey, who's been playing with
this?
Monica
connects it to the TV and she and Rachel watch the tape. Joey and Phoebe are
hypnotizing Gunther the night before...
PHOEBE
What is your favourite
color?
GUNTHER
Yellow.
PHOEBE
And what is your favourite
month?
GUNTHER
May. It's her birthday on the
5th.
PHOEBE
Who's birthday?
GUNTHER
Rachel's.
PHOEBE
Rachel's? Rachel who?
GUNTHER
I love her ever since we
met. Rachel
Karen Green.
PHOEBE
(to Joey)
Oh my God. Turn it off!
CUT
back to Rachel and Monica (shocked)...
RACHEL
This is too weird. All these years
Gunther had a crush on me?
MONICA
Looks like it.
RACHEL
His train leaves in like, an
hour?
Monica
nods.
RACHEL (cont'd)
I'll go talk to him.
MONICA
Rachel, you're gonna go after Gunther?
RACHEL
No! But I've got to see him before he
leaves. I owe him that much.
SCENE: Busy railway station, lots of people around. Rachel spots Gunther about to board his train. She pulls him aside for a talk.
GUNTHER
Rachel, what are you doing
here?
RACHEL
I saw the tape.
GUNTHER
What tape?
RACHEL
Oh, I guess you don't remember. Phoebe
hypnotized you and...
GUNTHER
And what?
RACHEL
You said... you said you were in love
with me since the first time we
met.
Is that true?
GUNTHER
Well, uh...
RACHEL
It's okay, Gunther. I've
actually had
some experience with guys having
secret
crushes on me.
(tilts
her head)
My neck hurts. So, you too, huh?
GUNTHER
Uh, ya.
RACHEL
(smiles)
Well, Gunther, you know it's kind of
late now but I would have liked
to have
known you better. So -- you're
not gay?
GUNTHER
Why did you think I was?
RACHEL
Well, you know, you're so soft-spoken
and polite and you wear those
brightly-
colored shirts all the time.
GUNTHER
Ya.
(pause)
I'm gonna
miss you.
RACHEL
I'll miss you too.
The
conductor calls...
CONDUCTOR
All aboard!
RACHEL
Well, I guess this is it. Gunther, make
me one promise.
GUNTHER
Anything.
RACHEL
If you meet a nice girl in
one that you like, I want you
to walk
right up to her and say,
"Hi, I'm
Gunther, would you like to go out some
time?"
GUNTHER
Really?
RACHEL
Yes. Y'know some of them
may turn you
down, but...
(she
takes his hand)
some day you'll meet one who
thinks
you're as sweet and handsome as I
do.
Promise?
GUNTHER
I promise.
RACHEL
Okay.
Rachel
lays a big kiss on Gunther. He faints. The conductor comments...
CONDUCTOR
Wow. I've never seen that
before.
RACHEL
Really? I see it all the time.
She
strides away confidently.
TAG
SCENE:
MONICA (O.S.)
Stay in character. Remember,
I'm the simple
explorer Petry
and you're Vavelda, the
evil space alien who's captured
me for
experiments in new forms of
reproduction.
MONICA (O.S.)
Okay, here I come.
Monica
enters. She is wearing an outrageous
gold bikini with big pointy Madonna-like breasts and has huge gold hair and
matching gloves and boots. She stands
with hands on hips.
MONICA
(as
Vavelda)
Earthling, as your punishment
you must
engage me in your primitive mating
activity
until my neuro-pleasure
receptors are charged
with the energy of a thousand Cordasian
lightning bolts!
Wow. That was --
MONICA
(sternly,
as she snaps a whip
in her hand)
No talking! Prisoners are
not allowed to talk!
Now...
(she
steps unto the bed)
Serve me!
(to
herself)
I can't believe I'm doing
this.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ THE END ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~