Disclaimer : I DON'T own Saiyuki, unfortunately. =( Anyone who thinks I
do is... um... sadly mistaken!
Author's notes : This fic is dedicated to my kouhai, Kimie (hope you get better soon!), whom I sincerely hope isn't offended by this show of idiocy on my behalf. Heck, I hope no one's offended. Please don't sue, mina-san. I'm broke.
[ ] - author's notes // // - characters thoughts
* * * * *
It had started off as a normal, typical day, and would have ended has a normal, typical day too, had it not been for Kanzeon Bosatsu's appearance.
The Sanzo-ikkou were traveling to the west (as usual) in Hakuryuu : Goku and Gojyo were bickering over what was more important in life - food or girls; Sanzo's threats of immediate death and harisen made their usual appearance; while Hakkai merely smiled amicably throughout it all, occasionally mumbling "Yare yare desu ne" while giving Hakuryuu a pat on the steering wheel. Hakkai had set Hakuryuu into first gear; they were traveling at a relatively fast pace, until Hakkai suddenly slammed on the brakes, causing him and the other passengers to be propelled forward. A melee of outbursts ensued.
"Oi Hakkai! What the hell-,"
Gojyo was cut short when a blinding light suddenly engulfed them. Blinking cautiously as the light faded, they made out a form that turned out to be-
"KANZEON BOSATSU?!"
"Bingo!" the aforementioned goddess smirked, winking. She sashayed over to the gaping foursome. Sanzo, being the first to regain his composure, retorted, "What brings you here, kuso baba?"
As expected, Kanzeon Bosatsu was not pleased. However, she chose to ignore that remark, having more pressing matters to inform them of. She cleared her throat. "Sanzo-ikkou," she began. "I have an assignment for you."
"What? Go to the west? Stop Gyuuma Ou's revival? What now?" Gojyo asked, somewhat irked. Apparently, he hadn't got over his last meeting with the Goddess Of Mercy - one encounter he wished to forget.
"Calm down, I haven't even begun. Or perhaps you would prefer me to shut you up - my way?" she purred, her lips hovering dangerously close to Gojyo's.
Goku watched the conversation between his quarreling partner and the Goddess Of Mercy, uncomprehending. "Um... Hakkai..," he started, tugging on the driver's sleeve. "What's going on?"
Hakkai was at a lost for words.
"So, Kanzeon Bosatsu, what have you got in store for us?" Sanzo finally asked, his words laced with ill-hidden malice and biting sarcasm. Kanzeon's attention diverted, Gojyo thankfully let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding.
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," Kanzeon glared at Gojyo's general direction, "I have been asked of a favour by the Goddess Of Insanity -,"
"Goddess Of Insanity?" they echoed.
"Yep. You got it. Haven't you ever heard of her?" All she got in reply were blank stares. "Y'know - Deru, Goddess Of Insanity?" [*whistles innocently* ..I wonder how that came about - don't sue! all in the name of fun and madness! gomen! *runs off*]
All shook their heads.
Kanzeon rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Anyway, she's asked of me a favour, and, I, being the merciful Goddess Of Mercy that I am, have decided to help her!"
Total silence ensued. Even Hakuryuu sweatdropped.
Kanzeon was definitely pissed off. So what if this Goddess Of Mercy had an extremely short temper?
"Ne, ne!" Goku's hand shot up, now waving wildly in the air. Kanzeon raised an eyebrow. "So what's the assignment?" he asked curiously.
"Ah, I see we're finally getting somewhere," Kanzeon smiled. "All right then, I'll explain. It seems that Kimie, one of Deru's assistants, has fallen ill. You're in charge of gathering the items needed to brew a remedy.
"Why us?" Sanzo replied nonchalantly, lighting a cigarette.
The so-called Goddess Of Mercy smiled a sickly sweet smile that clearly betrayed the ill-concealed devilry in her eyes. "Listen. Kimie's job is to spread Saiyuki insanity amongst pliable anime otakus. In other words, she's in charge of influencing others until they become Saiyuki addicts. She turns people into Saiyuki fanatics."
"What exactly does this have to do with us again?"
The pissed-off mark on Kanzeon's forehead became more prominent. //Just how dense can these people be // She met Sanzo's glare with one of her own. "If she falls ill, she won't be able to do her job, will she? She won't be able to introduce new fans to Saiyuki! If that happens, there'll be no fans. Without fans, all - of - you would cease of exist!" she explained, subconsciously poking Sanzo's shoulder.
Gojyo managed to sum up the situation with two words : "No kidding."
"Now you see, " she added knowingly. "Without people like Kimie, you - you -you -and you - ," she pointed to Hakkai, Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku. " - would not be here," she smirked.
"And this... this 'Goddess Of Insanity' - how do we know she even exists? What if this is just another one of your whimsical ideas? Why couldn't the 'Goddess Of Insanity' inform us about this "assignment" herself?" Sanzo asked suspiciously, a twitch developing under his left eye.
The others were dumbfounded. They never knew that Sanzo was actually capable of stringing sentences together.
"Yes - she does exist. She's just busy wreaking havoc in Tenkai at the moment." Everyone sweatdropped.
As if on cue, a playful voice drifted down from the heavens. "Technically speaking, *Kannon-sama, if the Sanzo-ikkou, as you said, ceased to exist, so would you." The aforementioned goddess sweatdropped. "And another thing," the voice continued. "Kimie's job is actually to brainwash people and turn them into Saiyuki-crazy minions. AHAHAHAHA!!" the voice laughed madly. "Oh yes - before I forget.. here, Kannon-sama!" A ragged list appeared in the Goddess Of Mercy's hand. The maniacal laughter faded, leaving the aforementioned group sweatdropping furiously.
"You don't need further proof of her existence, do you?" Kanzeon smirked, glancing at the list. She choked.
4 hours later, still traveling on Kanzeon Bosatsu's decree...
"I can't believe that those ingredients are actually edible, let alone have any medicinal value," Gojyo muttered.
"Yeah. I'm never gonna eat anything on that list," Goku stated firmly, for once agreeing with the half youkai.
"Saa, mina-san, at least we've got the **broccoli stems, dried seahorse and the juice of pig's trotters," a cheerful Hakkai said, mentally checking off the items on the list.
"If anyone asks how we got those items, I swear I'll kill them," Sanzo muttered, apparently exhausted from the day's "workout". "What else, Hakkai?" he asked irritably.
"One more thing to go - ***purple cauliflower."
Gojyo smacked his forehead. "And just where the Hell are we supposed to get that?!"
"I know where."
For the second time that day, Hakuryuu screeched to a halt, scrambling both driver and passengers alike.
"What now, old hag?"
Kanzeon frowned. "This." The Goddess Of Mercy showed them the items she had been holding : a normal coloured cauliflower and a pail of water. "Your last item is a purple cauliflower, ne?"
"Yeah - we've been to all the restaurants in town and we've asked practically everyone," Goku sighed dejectedly. "Still no purple cauliflower."
"What do you think I'm here for?" she asked impatiently.
"To make our lives a living hell."
She stifled a smirk. "W-ell...other than that. Observe."
Placing the bucket of water on Hakuryuu's bonnet (amidst kyuus of protest), she dumped the cauliflower into the bucket. She snapped her fingers, and a tiny bottle materialized within her grasp. Kanzeon then poured the contents of the bottle into the bucket, waited several minutes, and pulled out a -
"Purple cauliflower!! Sugoi na!!" Goku yelled, excited. "How'd you do that?"
Kanzeon smirked and casually flicked the empty bottle at Hakkai, who deftly caught it and proceeded to read its label.
"Food dye - purple."
"...................."
"What? Deru gave it to me herself!" Kanzeon protested. "And that's the last item on the list, anyway," she added. "Hmm.. what did she say to do next? Ah- I remember - hand me other three items."
Hakkai, still sweatdropping, did as he was ordered.
"Now what? Now what?" Goku asked. "What's next?"
"Oi, bakazaru! Stop jumping!"
"Am not a saru, ero kappa!"
A shot rang out, silencing the quarreling duo.
"My, my, Konzen, patience certainly isn't one of your virtues."
"Uruse."
Kanzeon sniffed, not even batting an eyelid at Sanzo's threat. "Hmm.. where was I? Ah, yes.." With a lazy flick of her wrist, Kanzeon combined all the ingredients laid before her into a brownish mixture of liquidized broccoli stems, juice of pig's trotters, dried seahorse, and --- purple cauliflower.
"And here we are," she flourished. "The remedy!"
"You mean Kimie's supposed to drink that?!" Gojyo asked incredulously.
Kanzeon nodded. "According to Deru, yes. She listed down the ingredients herself."
"No wonder she's the Goddess Of Insanity. C'mon, not even the saru would take that!"
The said member of the Sanzo-ikkou cautiously sniffed the freshly brewed concoction. He gagged. "No way she's gonna drink that!" Goku cried, looking severely traumatized.
The Goddess of Mercy cupped her chin. "You've got a point there, kid. Fortunately, the Goddess Of Insanity thought of another idea, should a problem like this arise."
Suspicious looks were plastered on the Sanzo-ikkou's faces.
Kanzeon whipped out a can out of thin air. "Shandy! Deru informed me of Kimie's obsession with shandy!" she opened the can. "One of you - finish half the can."
"Me! Me! Lemme try!" an enthusiastic Goku shouted. Out came the harisen.
THWACK!
"Itai yo, Sanzo! What was that for?!"
"Monkeys aren't supposed to drink shandy," came the monotonous response, before the can was taken out of Kanzeon's grasp, and its contents swallowed by a certain blond monk, who then proceeded to flick the can back at the Goddess Of Mercy.
"Yare yare desu ne. Here we go again. I was hoping to try some of that shandy, Sanzo," chided Hakkai, who, nevertheless, was still smiling.
"I said half the can, not the whole thing!" she frowned. "Never mind." Kanzeon quickly brushed that insignificant matter aside. The ..um.. remedy was then poured into the aforementioned can. Kanzeon magically sealed it, and gave a can a few hearty shakes. "There!" she smirked, obviously proud of her accomplishment. "She'll never know the difference!"
"Sumimasen, Kanzeon-sama," Hakkai began. "But are you sure that she'll drink it?"
"I'm positive," said Kanzeon as she crossed her fingers behind her back. "The last thing we have to do -." Hakkai let out an audible sigh of relief. "is to deliver the can to her." She glanced up, and saw the exhausted faces of the Sanzo-ikkou, their clothes dusty and drenched with sweat - both from their trying to gather the ingredients, and also due to the massive sweatdropping sessions they had earlier. She smiled. //All right, all right, I am the Goddess Of Mercy after all..// She snapped her fingers, the can of "shandy" disappeared from sight.... and reappeared next to Kimie's computer. [ehehehe - now you can't miss it, Kimie!]
"Well, looks like that's my job done. See you guys around! Ja!" she vanished, leaving the Sanzo-ikkou in a state of bewilderment.
Sanzo turned around to face the others. "That was a dream, understand? Nothing more than a mere dream," he said steadily. "It never happened.
"Hai," the others chorused, still unable to get over the experience they just underwent.
Author's notes: *sweatdrops* I can feel the lameness radiating from the screen!
* Kanzeon Bosatsu is also known as Kannon.
** Okay, before some of you sue me for further threatening endangered species, the dried seahorse was my mum's idea (the rest were mine). "Dried seahorse" isn't the real thing, it's not made of real seahorses - it's something you can find in Chinese medicinal halls, according to my mum. Don't ask me what it is - I think it's some sorta fish, tho. And another thing : I think broccoli stems are not edible (yuck), and I've never tried the juice of pig's trotters in my entire life. *gags*
*** Purple cauliflowers DO exist - I swear I've seen them. (my mum's cooked it for dinner.)
'deru - trying to find a good fire extinguisher to put out the flames. ack.
Author's notes : This fic is dedicated to my kouhai, Kimie (hope you get better soon!), whom I sincerely hope isn't offended by this show of idiocy on my behalf. Heck, I hope no one's offended. Please don't sue, mina-san. I'm broke.
[ ] - author's notes // // - characters thoughts
* * * * *
It had started off as a normal, typical day, and would have ended has a normal, typical day too, had it not been for Kanzeon Bosatsu's appearance.
The Sanzo-ikkou were traveling to the west (as usual) in Hakuryuu : Goku and Gojyo were bickering over what was more important in life - food or girls; Sanzo's threats of immediate death and harisen made their usual appearance; while Hakkai merely smiled amicably throughout it all, occasionally mumbling "Yare yare desu ne" while giving Hakuryuu a pat on the steering wheel. Hakkai had set Hakuryuu into first gear; they were traveling at a relatively fast pace, until Hakkai suddenly slammed on the brakes, causing him and the other passengers to be propelled forward. A melee of outbursts ensued.
"Oi Hakkai! What the hell-,"
Gojyo was cut short when a blinding light suddenly engulfed them. Blinking cautiously as the light faded, they made out a form that turned out to be-
"KANZEON BOSATSU?!"
"Bingo!" the aforementioned goddess smirked, winking. She sashayed over to the gaping foursome. Sanzo, being the first to regain his composure, retorted, "What brings you here, kuso baba?"
As expected, Kanzeon Bosatsu was not pleased. However, she chose to ignore that remark, having more pressing matters to inform them of. She cleared her throat. "Sanzo-ikkou," she began. "I have an assignment for you."
"What? Go to the west? Stop Gyuuma Ou's revival? What now?" Gojyo asked, somewhat irked. Apparently, he hadn't got over his last meeting with the Goddess Of Mercy - one encounter he wished to forget.
"Calm down, I haven't even begun. Or perhaps you would prefer me to shut you up - my way?" she purred, her lips hovering dangerously close to Gojyo's.
Goku watched the conversation between his quarreling partner and the Goddess Of Mercy, uncomprehending. "Um... Hakkai..," he started, tugging on the driver's sleeve. "What's going on?"
Hakkai was at a lost for words.
"So, Kanzeon Bosatsu, what have you got in store for us?" Sanzo finally asked, his words laced with ill-hidden malice and biting sarcasm. Kanzeon's attention diverted, Gojyo thankfully let out the breath he didn't realize he had been holding.
"As I was saying, before I was so rudely interrupted," Kanzeon glared at Gojyo's general direction, "I have been asked of a favour by the Goddess Of Insanity -,"
"Goddess Of Insanity?" they echoed.
"Yep. You got it. Haven't you ever heard of her?" All she got in reply were blank stares. "Y'know - Deru, Goddess Of Insanity?" [*whistles innocently* ..I wonder how that came about - don't sue! all in the name of fun and madness! gomen! *runs off*]
All shook their heads.
Kanzeon rolled her eyes. "Never mind. Anyway, she's asked of me a favour, and, I, being the merciful Goddess Of Mercy that I am, have decided to help her!"
Total silence ensued. Even Hakuryuu sweatdropped.
Kanzeon was definitely pissed off. So what if this Goddess Of Mercy had an extremely short temper?
"Ne, ne!" Goku's hand shot up, now waving wildly in the air. Kanzeon raised an eyebrow. "So what's the assignment?" he asked curiously.
"Ah, I see we're finally getting somewhere," Kanzeon smiled. "All right then, I'll explain. It seems that Kimie, one of Deru's assistants, has fallen ill. You're in charge of gathering the items needed to brew a remedy.
"Why us?" Sanzo replied nonchalantly, lighting a cigarette.
The so-called Goddess Of Mercy smiled a sickly sweet smile that clearly betrayed the ill-concealed devilry in her eyes. "Listen. Kimie's job is to spread Saiyuki insanity amongst pliable anime otakus. In other words, she's in charge of influencing others until they become Saiyuki addicts. She turns people into Saiyuki fanatics."
"What exactly does this have to do with us again?"
The pissed-off mark on Kanzeon's forehead became more prominent. //Just how dense can these people be // She met Sanzo's glare with one of her own. "If she falls ill, she won't be able to do her job, will she? She won't be able to introduce new fans to Saiyuki! If that happens, there'll be no fans. Without fans, all - of - you would cease of exist!" she explained, subconsciously poking Sanzo's shoulder.
Gojyo managed to sum up the situation with two words : "No kidding."
"Now you see, " she added knowingly. "Without people like Kimie, you - you -you -and you - ," she pointed to Hakkai, Sanzo, Gojyo and Goku. " - would not be here," she smirked.
"And this... this 'Goddess Of Insanity' - how do we know she even exists? What if this is just another one of your whimsical ideas? Why couldn't the 'Goddess Of Insanity' inform us about this "assignment" herself?" Sanzo asked suspiciously, a twitch developing under his left eye.
The others were dumbfounded. They never knew that Sanzo was actually capable of stringing sentences together.
"Yes - she does exist. She's just busy wreaking havoc in Tenkai at the moment." Everyone sweatdropped.
As if on cue, a playful voice drifted down from the heavens. "Technically speaking, *Kannon-sama, if the Sanzo-ikkou, as you said, ceased to exist, so would you." The aforementioned goddess sweatdropped. "And another thing," the voice continued. "Kimie's job is actually to brainwash people and turn them into Saiyuki-crazy minions. AHAHAHAHA!!" the voice laughed madly. "Oh yes - before I forget.. here, Kannon-sama!" A ragged list appeared in the Goddess Of Mercy's hand. The maniacal laughter faded, leaving the aforementioned group sweatdropping furiously.
"You don't need further proof of her existence, do you?" Kanzeon smirked, glancing at the list. She choked.
4 hours later, still traveling on Kanzeon Bosatsu's decree...
"I can't believe that those ingredients are actually edible, let alone have any medicinal value," Gojyo muttered.
"Yeah. I'm never gonna eat anything on that list," Goku stated firmly, for once agreeing with the half youkai.
"Saa, mina-san, at least we've got the **broccoli stems, dried seahorse and the juice of pig's trotters," a cheerful Hakkai said, mentally checking off the items on the list.
"If anyone asks how we got those items, I swear I'll kill them," Sanzo muttered, apparently exhausted from the day's "workout". "What else, Hakkai?" he asked irritably.
"One more thing to go - ***purple cauliflower."
Gojyo smacked his forehead. "And just where the Hell are we supposed to get that?!"
"I know where."
For the second time that day, Hakuryuu screeched to a halt, scrambling both driver and passengers alike.
"What now, old hag?"
Kanzeon frowned. "This." The Goddess Of Mercy showed them the items she had been holding : a normal coloured cauliflower and a pail of water. "Your last item is a purple cauliflower, ne?"
"Yeah - we've been to all the restaurants in town and we've asked practically everyone," Goku sighed dejectedly. "Still no purple cauliflower."
"What do you think I'm here for?" she asked impatiently.
"To make our lives a living hell."
She stifled a smirk. "W-ell...other than that. Observe."
Placing the bucket of water on Hakuryuu's bonnet (amidst kyuus of protest), she dumped the cauliflower into the bucket. She snapped her fingers, and a tiny bottle materialized within her grasp. Kanzeon then poured the contents of the bottle into the bucket, waited several minutes, and pulled out a -
"Purple cauliflower!! Sugoi na!!" Goku yelled, excited. "How'd you do that?"
Kanzeon smirked and casually flicked the empty bottle at Hakkai, who deftly caught it and proceeded to read its label.
"Food dye - purple."
"...................."
"What? Deru gave it to me herself!" Kanzeon protested. "And that's the last item on the list, anyway," she added. "Hmm.. what did she say to do next? Ah- I remember - hand me other three items."
Hakkai, still sweatdropping, did as he was ordered.
"Now what? Now what?" Goku asked. "What's next?"
"Oi, bakazaru! Stop jumping!"
"Am not a saru, ero kappa!"
A shot rang out, silencing the quarreling duo.
"My, my, Konzen, patience certainly isn't one of your virtues."
"Uruse."
Kanzeon sniffed, not even batting an eyelid at Sanzo's threat. "Hmm.. where was I? Ah, yes.." With a lazy flick of her wrist, Kanzeon combined all the ingredients laid before her into a brownish mixture of liquidized broccoli stems, juice of pig's trotters, dried seahorse, and --- purple cauliflower.
"And here we are," she flourished. "The remedy!"
"You mean Kimie's supposed to drink that?!" Gojyo asked incredulously.
Kanzeon nodded. "According to Deru, yes. She listed down the ingredients herself."
"No wonder she's the Goddess Of Insanity. C'mon, not even the saru would take that!"
The said member of the Sanzo-ikkou cautiously sniffed the freshly brewed concoction. He gagged. "No way she's gonna drink that!" Goku cried, looking severely traumatized.
The Goddess of Mercy cupped her chin. "You've got a point there, kid. Fortunately, the Goddess Of Insanity thought of another idea, should a problem like this arise."
Suspicious looks were plastered on the Sanzo-ikkou's faces.
Kanzeon whipped out a can out of thin air. "Shandy! Deru informed me of Kimie's obsession with shandy!" she opened the can. "One of you - finish half the can."
"Me! Me! Lemme try!" an enthusiastic Goku shouted. Out came the harisen.
THWACK!
"Itai yo, Sanzo! What was that for?!"
"Monkeys aren't supposed to drink shandy," came the monotonous response, before the can was taken out of Kanzeon's grasp, and its contents swallowed by a certain blond monk, who then proceeded to flick the can back at the Goddess Of Mercy.
"Yare yare desu ne. Here we go again. I was hoping to try some of that shandy, Sanzo," chided Hakkai, who, nevertheless, was still smiling.
"I said half the can, not the whole thing!" she frowned. "Never mind." Kanzeon quickly brushed that insignificant matter aside. The ..um.. remedy was then poured into the aforementioned can. Kanzeon magically sealed it, and gave a can a few hearty shakes. "There!" she smirked, obviously proud of her accomplishment. "She'll never know the difference!"
"Sumimasen, Kanzeon-sama," Hakkai began. "But are you sure that she'll drink it?"
"I'm positive," said Kanzeon as she crossed her fingers behind her back. "The last thing we have to do -." Hakkai let out an audible sigh of relief. "is to deliver the can to her." She glanced up, and saw the exhausted faces of the Sanzo-ikkou, their clothes dusty and drenched with sweat - both from their trying to gather the ingredients, and also due to the massive sweatdropping sessions they had earlier. She smiled. //All right, all right, I am the Goddess Of Mercy after all..// She snapped her fingers, the can of "shandy" disappeared from sight.... and reappeared next to Kimie's computer. [ehehehe - now you can't miss it, Kimie!]
"Well, looks like that's my job done. See you guys around! Ja!" she vanished, leaving the Sanzo-ikkou in a state of bewilderment.
Sanzo turned around to face the others. "That was a dream, understand? Nothing more than a mere dream," he said steadily. "It never happened.
"Hai," the others chorused, still unable to get over the experience they just underwent.
Author's notes: *sweatdrops* I can feel the lameness radiating from the screen!
* Kanzeon Bosatsu is also known as Kannon.
** Okay, before some of you sue me for further threatening endangered species, the dried seahorse was my mum's idea (the rest were mine). "Dried seahorse" isn't the real thing, it's not made of real seahorses - it's something you can find in Chinese medicinal halls, according to my mum. Don't ask me what it is - I think it's some sorta fish, tho. And another thing : I think broccoli stems are not edible (yuck), and I've never tried the juice of pig's trotters in my entire life. *gags*
*** Purple cauliflowers DO exist - I swear I've seen them. (my mum's cooked it for dinner.)
'deru - trying to find a good fire extinguisher to put out the flames. ack.