It was midnight before she met him. He crept into her room, tiptoeing towards the bed, afraid to wake her.
"You must be Jonas." She said, from across the room. She was up and dressed, sitting on a chair behind the door.
"And you're Sam." He said, smiling widely. "I'm here to rescue you, which sounds a bit dramatic, but I want to help any way you can, so, here, I got you this." He handed her a zat gun.
"How did you get this?" she asked, taking it from him.
"Can I tell you later? We have to leave now."
"What about Daniel?"
"Already gone. Please, they're coming to arrest you now, please come with me."
Sam got up, and followed him out the door, guns at the ready. In the distance, she could hear small explosions, like fireworks.
"What's that?" she asked.
"You friend creating a diversion." Jonas said, hurriedly leading her through the corridors, looking back occasionally to ensure she was following.
"You won't get far." A shadowy figure stepped out in front of them. Dr. Petersen. "They'll track you down and kill you."
"We are leaving." Sam insisted. He looked at her, then nodded.
"Take my car." He said, holding out his keys. "It's the jeep at the far end of the parking lot. It's got a full tank."
"Thanks." Jonas said warily, taking the keys. Petersen didn't look at him. Instead he stared at Sam. His face was impassive, but his eyes were full of unexpressed anguish.
"Succeed." He said. "I know what you were going to do, and why. For all our sakes, succeed."
"I will." She promised, moving round him.
"One more thing!" he called, after her. She turned to face him. "Something you should know. Your friend, Jack. He didn't die of his wounds. They murdered him in the ambulance."
Jonas shivered as he looked at Sam's face. Her eyes had turned icy, her face set. Anger, menace, poured out of her. He suddenly felt pity for O'Neill's murderers. They were going to suffer once she found them.
She said nothing else, but ran in to the parking lot, searching for the jeep. She found it, and Jonas was unlocking the door, as someone ran up.
"They believe you are escaping through the other side of the building. We should be able to get away safely." He said.
"Teal'c!" Sam cried, hurriedly hugging him. Teal'c smiled at her. "Dr. Frasier and Daniel Jackson have already escaped. They will join us soon."
"Good. I'm driving." Sam said, clambering in and taking the keys off Jonas.
"Where are we going?" Jonas asked.
"I know a place," Sam said, "where the bass grow this big."
"Really?"
"Oh, yeah."
They drove for miles, Jonas finally falling asleep in the back. Teal'c sat up front, with Sam.
"You heard about the Colonel?" she said at last.
"I did."
"We'll get the bastards who did that."
"That may not be necessary. Although I would assist you in any bloodfeud you participate in."
Sam smiled.
"Thank you. Are Daniel and Janet at the lake?"
"No, they are following up some information Dr. Frasier recently acquired on Chu'lack."
"What information?"
"That I do not know. I only know it came from the last of the Tok'ra."
They were silent again for a while. Last time Sam had driven up here, she'd gotten lost twice. Now, though, she was finding her way almost instinctively. She was tired, and distressed, and still in pain from her wound, but she felt an odd, soothing calm. She wasn't sure if it was the pain-killing drugs, or just that she had finally decided to take control of her life, her destiny. She had a purpose, and it felt right, like she had finally taken the right track.
"What are you going to do once we get to this cabin?" Jonas asked, waking up in the back seat. He yawned, and stretched, like a cat.
"I need some information on an old mission." Sam said. "The Colonel kept a diary, and I'm hoping he wrote down what I need."
"I remember the mission you mean. I regret I did not keep a written record." Teal'c said, glancing out the window to the rising sun.
"Well, what about the old mission records." Jonas asked.
"Kept under lock and key. Besides, I get the feeling there was more to the mission than the Colonel wrote in his official report." Sam said, stealing a sideways look at Teal'c.
"There often was." Teal'c replied, impassively.
They arrived at the cabin just as the sun finally rose over the horizon. Sam stopped for a minute, breathing in the air, deeply. It was so lovely here. So calm, so undisturbed. The air was fresh on her face, carrying the scent of the trees, that faintest tang of salt from the lake. It felt reviving, stimulating, but soothing too. She stopped before she went into the cabin, and walked to the end of the little wooden landing, looking out over the lake, clear and blue in the early sunshine.
This was where he stood. Where he sat, and dangled his line into the water, pretending he was fishing. All those years, those days spent looking out over the water, just thinking. Did he think of her at all? Did he remember her with affection, with pain, with regret, with hate? Or did he never think of her? Did he do what she had done, and push away every thought of her, try to forget the feelings she'd stirred in him, welcomed the quiet, easy life instead of remembering the passionate, turbulent storms of emotion they could awake in one another?
But she'd finally stopped hiding. Finally stopped waiting for others to push her in the right direction. There was no-one to guide her now, and she suddenly realised how lonely his life must have been, how isolated. She'd always thought he was among friends, but he wasn't. He'd led them, and she's never know before how solitary that could be.
"I did love you, Jack." She whispered, out to the silent lake. "I should have told you. I'm sorry. But I didn't know it myself."
She went inside, and joined Teal'c and Jonas in the search for Jack's diary.
It didn't take them long to find the diaries. They were big, grey backed books, one for each year he'd served with SG1. The writing inside was firm, and straight, and clear, and his language sounded so like him, that Sam could almost hear his voice in the room. But these weren't just plain mission reports. As Sam flicked through them, she could see he'd recorded every thought, every emotion, unflinchingly. He'd recorded every mistake he'd made, and he seemed to feel he'd made a lot. He never praised himself, but was unstinting in his praise for others. She caught glimpses of his admiration for Daniel's courage, his principles, even when they ran contrary to his own, his unfailing support for Teal'c, his amused affection for Hailey, his growing friendship with Janet, his trust of Davis, his respect for Hammond. He'd recorded all of these.
And then sometimes she caught a glimpse of her name. 'Carter' at first, 'Sam' later. Early on, he talked about how she was a good soldier, 'despite being a scientist', her courage, her brilliance. As time went on, he spoke of her more tenderly. He had written down, in carefully gentle language, of his concern over her blending, his growing need to protect her. Still in awe of her mind, he wrote down everything she said to him, every time she smiled at him. He wrote of Nareem and Martouf, Orlin, and Lieutenant Simmons. He wrote down his distress at having to hurt her when he went undercover, the aching pain inside him as he pushed her away and saw the anguish in her eyes.
Then he stopped writing about her at all. One page merely said;
'I love her.'
She'd never known he felt so much, so intensely. He'd never said. Now, as she looked at the page where he'd written 'Sam' over and over again, she cried. Not for the loss of the man, but for the loss of the love.
Hours later, she finally found the page she wanted. It read;
'Today, I learnt how to throw pots, speak Ancient Latin, and drive a golf ball through a wormhole. I also taught Teal'c how to juggle, and helped Daniel with the translation of over 400 pages of alien text. I rode a bike through the corridors, and ate a helluva Froot Loops. Busy day? Well yeah, but as it was over three months long, I had plenty of time.'
Sam took the diary out onto the little dock, and curled up on the chair parked at the end of it, leaving Teal'c explaining what had happened that day to Jonas.
'So, today was Groundhog day. I'd thought I'd go insane by the end of it. I mean, what the hell is that question Daniel keeps asking me? Mind you, any day where I learn to say 'coronal mass emission' and 'abicierum' can't be totally wasted, right?'
Sam read through the whole page, laughing at Jack's efforts to learn Latin, learning for the first time of exactly how he'd kept himself occupied. Jack had said nothing in the original reports about playing golf, or riding bikes, and she found herself giggling at the image of Daniel turning around and catching Teal'c and Jack juggling.
She hadn't giggled, like this, like a child, in years.
'I can't say I blame Malakai, in the end. How far would I go if I lost S...someone I loved? Would I turn back time? I think if I could, I would.'
Sam reread those lines over and over again, before she continued with the rest of the story. Eventually, she found something she could use.
She called out to Teal'c.
"Teal'c, Jack says he kept a copy of the translation in case it happened again. Can you find it?"
"We will look." He called, dragging Jonas back into the cabin. He didn't want Sam disturbed. He wanted her to know what was in that diary.
Sam turned the page. And there she read it.
'In one loop, I've gotta confess, I kissed Sam. To be honest, as soon as Daniel said I could do anything, without consequences, I've been thinking about that. But I held off for a while. It seemed sneaky, almost cheating, to kiss her without consequences, without worrying what would happen next.
So, I decided I wouldn't. But in the end, I had to. I wouldn't go any further than a kiss, to do that to her, knowing she wouldn't know anything about it when things got back to normal, that would be wrong. But one kiss. What harm could one kiss do?
Except now, I know what's it like to kiss Sam. I know that at first, she'll be surprised, than she'll return the kiss, easily as passionate as me. I know she'd give into it, trusting me completely. I know the softness of cheek under my hand, the feel of her body leaning into mine. I look at her, and all I can think about is that kiss.
I have to stop this. Before it goes too far. She asked it to stay in the room, and I'm taking it out. Things can't continue like this. If they do, we could end up having a relationship, and that would ruin both our careers. Mine's over, I don't care, but not hers. One day she'll make the best damn commander this air force has ever seen, and I'm not going to risk that. I'm not worth the risk.
I love her too much to ask her to love me back.'
"You must be Jonas." She said, from across the room. She was up and dressed, sitting on a chair behind the door.
"And you're Sam." He said, smiling widely. "I'm here to rescue you, which sounds a bit dramatic, but I want to help any way you can, so, here, I got you this." He handed her a zat gun.
"How did you get this?" she asked, taking it from him.
"Can I tell you later? We have to leave now."
"What about Daniel?"
"Already gone. Please, they're coming to arrest you now, please come with me."
Sam got up, and followed him out the door, guns at the ready. In the distance, she could hear small explosions, like fireworks.
"What's that?" she asked.
"You friend creating a diversion." Jonas said, hurriedly leading her through the corridors, looking back occasionally to ensure she was following.
"You won't get far." A shadowy figure stepped out in front of them. Dr. Petersen. "They'll track you down and kill you."
"We are leaving." Sam insisted. He looked at her, then nodded.
"Take my car." He said, holding out his keys. "It's the jeep at the far end of the parking lot. It's got a full tank."
"Thanks." Jonas said warily, taking the keys. Petersen didn't look at him. Instead he stared at Sam. His face was impassive, but his eyes were full of unexpressed anguish.
"Succeed." He said. "I know what you were going to do, and why. For all our sakes, succeed."
"I will." She promised, moving round him.
"One more thing!" he called, after her. She turned to face him. "Something you should know. Your friend, Jack. He didn't die of his wounds. They murdered him in the ambulance."
Jonas shivered as he looked at Sam's face. Her eyes had turned icy, her face set. Anger, menace, poured out of her. He suddenly felt pity for O'Neill's murderers. They were going to suffer once she found them.
She said nothing else, but ran in to the parking lot, searching for the jeep. She found it, and Jonas was unlocking the door, as someone ran up.
"They believe you are escaping through the other side of the building. We should be able to get away safely." He said.
"Teal'c!" Sam cried, hurriedly hugging him. Teal'c smiled at her. "Dr. Frasier and Daniel Jackson have already escaped. They will join us soon."
"Good. I'm driving." Sam said, clambering in and taking the keys off Jonas.
"Where are we going?" Jonas asked.
"I know a place," Sam said, "where the bass grow this big."
"Really?"
"Oh, yeah."
They drove for miles, Jonas finally falling asleep in the back. Teal'c sat up front, with Sam.
"You heard about the Colonel?" she said at last.
"I did."
"We'll get the bastards who did that."
"That may not be necessary. Although I would assist you in any bloodfeud you participate in."
Sam smiled.
"Thank you. Are Daniel and Janet at the lake?"
"No, they are following up some information Dr. Frasier recently acquired on Chu'lack."
"What information?"
"That I do not know. I only know it came from the last of the Tok'ra."
They were silent again for a while. Last time Sam had driven up here, she'd gotten lost twice. Now, though, she was finding her way almost instinctively. She was tired, and distressed, and still in pain from her wound, but she felt an odd, soothing calm. She wasn't sure if it was the pain-killing drugs, or just that she had finally decided to take control of her life, her destiny. She had a purpose, and it felt right, like she had finally taken the right track.
"What are you going to do once we get to this cabin?" Jonas asked, waking up in the back seat. He yawned, and stretched, like a cat.
"I need some information on an old mission." Sam said. "The Colonel kept a diary, and I'm hoping he wrote down what I need."
"I remember the mission you mean. I regret I did not keep a written record." Teal'c said, glancing out the window to the rising sun.
"Well, what about the old mission records." Jonas asked.
"Kept under lock and key. Besides, I get the feeling there was more to the mission than the Colonel wrote in his official report." Sam said, stealing a sideways look at Teal'c.
"There often was." Teal'c replied, impassively.
They arrived at the cabin just as the sun finally rose over the horizon. Sam stopped for a minute, breathing in the air, deeply. It was so lovely here. So calm, so undisturbed. The air was fresh on her face, carrying the scent of the trees, that faintest tang of salt from the lake. It felt reviving, stimulating, but soothing too. She stopped before she went into the cabin, and walked to the end of the little wooden landing, looking out over the lake, clear and blue in the early sunshine.
This was where he stood. Where he sat, and dangled his line into the water, pretending he was fishing. All those years, those days spent looking out over the water, just thinking. Did he think of her at all? Did he remember her with affection, with pain, with regret, with hate? Or did he never think of her? Did he do what she had done, and push away every thought of her, try to forget the feelings she'd stirred in him, welcomed the quiet, easy life instead of remembering the passionate, turbulent storms of emotion they could awake in one another?
But she'd finally stopped hiding. Finally stopped waiting for others to push her in the right direction. There was no-one to guide her now, and she suddenly realised how lonely his life must have been, how isolated. She'd always thought he was among friends, but he wasn't. He'd led them, and she's never know before how solitary that could be.
"I did love you, Jack." She whispered, out to the silent lake. "I should have told you. I'm sorry. But I didn't know it myself."
She went inside, and joined Teal'c and Jonas in the search for Jack's diary.
It didn't take them long to find the diaries. They were big, grey backed books, one for each year he'd served with SG1. The writing inside was firm, and straight, and clear, and his language sounded so like him, that Sam could almost hear his voice in the room. But these weren't just plain mission reports. As Sam flicked through them, she could see he'd recorded every thought, every emotion, unflinchingly. He'd recorded every mistake he'd made, and he seemed to feel he'd made a lot. He never praised himself, but was unstinting in his praise for others. She caught glimpses of his admiration for Daniel's courage, his principles, even when they ran contrary to his own, his unfailing support for Teal'c, his amused affection for Hailey, his growing friendship with Janet, his trust of Davis, his respect for Hammond. He'd recorded all of these.
And then sometimes she caught a glimpse of her name. 'Carter' at first, 'Sam' later. Early on, he talked about how she was a good soldier, 'despite being a scientist', her courage, her brilliance. As time went on, he spoke of her more tenderly. He had written down, in carefully gentle language, of his concern over her blending, his growing need to protect her. Still in awe of her mind, he wrote down everything she said to him, every time she smiled at him. He wrote of Nareem and Martouf, Orlin, and Lieutenant Simmons. He wrote down his distress at having to hurt her when he went undercover, the aching pain inside him as he pushed her away and saw the anguish in her eyes.
Then he stopped writing about her at all. One page merely said;
'I love her.'
She'd never known he felt so much, so intensely. He'd never said. Now, as she looked at the page where he'd written 'Sam' over and over again, she cried. Not for the loss of the man, but for the loss of the love.
Hours later, she finally found the page she wanted. It read;
'Today, I learnt how to throw pots, speak Ancient Latin, and drive a golf ball through a wormhole. I also taught Teal'c how to juggle, and helped Daniel with the translation of over 400 pages of alien text. I rode a bike through the corridors, and ate a helluva Froot Loops. Busy day? Well yeah, but as it was over three months long, I had plenty of time.'
Sam took the diary out onto the little dock, and curled up on the chair parked at the end of it, leaving Teal'c explaining what had happened that day to Jonas.
'So, today was Groundhog day. I'd thought I'd go insane by the end of it. I mean, what the hell is that question Daniel keeps asking me? Mind you, any day where I learn to say 'coronal mass emission' and 'abicierum' can't be totally wasted, right?'
Sam read through the whole page, laughing at Jack's efforts to learn Latin, learning for the first time of exactly how he'd kept himself occupied. Jack had said nothing in the original reports about playing golf, or riding bikes, and she found herself giggling at the image of Daniel turning around and catching Teal'c and Jack juggling.
She hadn't giggled, like this, like a child, in years.
'I can't say I blame Malakai, in the end. How far would I go if I lost S...someone I loved? Would I turn back time? I think if I could, I would.'
Sam reread those lines over and over again, before she continued with the rest of the story. Eventually, she found something she could use.
She called out to Teal'c.
"Teal'c, Jack says he kept a copy of the translation in case it happened again. Can you find it?"
"We will look." He called, dragging Jonas back into the cabin. He didn't want Sam disturbed. He wanted her to know what was in that diary.
Sam turned the page. And there she read it.
'In one loop, I've gotta confess, I kissed Sam. To be honest, as soon as Daniel said I could do anything, without consequences, I've been thinking about that. But I held off for a while. It seemed sneaky, almost cheating, to kiss her without consequences, without worrying what would happen next.
So, I decided I wouldn't. But in the end, I had to. I wouldn't go any further than a kiss, to do that to her, knowing she wouldn't know anything about it when things got back to normal, that would be wrong. But one kiss. What harm could one kiss do?
Except now, I know what's it like to kiss Sam. I know that at first, she'll be surprised, than she'll return the kiss, easily as passionate as me. I know she'd give into it, trusting me completely. I know the softness of cheek under my hand, the feel of her body leaning into mine. I look at her, and all I can think about is that kiss.
I have to stop this. Before it goes too far. She asked it to stay in the room, and I'm taking it out. Things can't continue like this. If they do, we could end up having a relationship, and that would ruin both our careers. Mine's over, I don't care, but not hers. One day she'll make the best damn commander this air force has ever seen, and I'm not going to risk that. I'm not worth the risk.
I love her too much to ask her to love me back.'