After watching both season 2 and 3 of ANGEL I discovered that there was a
very big gap between the episodes . . . a gap of 3 months and I thought it
wasn't very Angel-like to just go off straight away. I mean something had
to have happened for him to decide to leave and come to terms with him
grief. I figured since Angel is the type of vamp that gets angry and
isolated when he's hurting and someone would have to get through to him.
Anyway this is the way that this fic came about.
Angel's locked himself away from the crew of AI and refuses to see anyone. He blames himself for Buffy's death and has lost himself in his own grief. He needs some one to pull him out . . .someone that understands what its like to loose someone you love . . . Cordelia's just the girl for the job!
Understanding
Cordelia knocked softly on the hard wooden door before her and braced herself for the harsh reply that was about to come.
"Go away . . . Leave me alone!" The raw and brusque voice shouted.
Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and held her head high, bracing herself for more enraged shouts she quickly pushed the door open and stepped over the threshold and in to the dimness of Angel's private room.
This time when he turned and shouted at her to leave him alone she was more prepared. Narrowing her eyes in determination she glared at him. He was sitting in the corner of the room, pressed as close as he could get to the cool cement wall, whilst spreading his legs out straight in front of him. The only light in the room was from a small desk lamp placed next to his bed, a bed that looked like it hadn't been slept in for a while. Sighing, Cordelia let her eyes roam the room and felt her resolve falter a little as she saw the mess. The room looked as though it had been violently torn apart, chairs smashed, clothes flung around-some shredded, others not, books and paper laid crumpled, ripped and in pieces in various parts of the room. Bookshelves, wardrobes and draws had been smashed and tipped so that the contents had been spilled all over the floor. There were also fist sized dents in the cement walls-the plaster now cracked and crumbling.
It looked like there had been an earthquake, but Cordelia knew better than that. No there hadn't been any tremors . . . there had just been Angel.
At least now she knew what all the noise had been.
Slowly she took one last look around the room and let her eyes return to her best friend sitting in the corner. He looked a mess and her heart gave a painful lurch in her chest. She had never seen him this lost before and her heart broke for him. All traces of emotion had left his face as he stared of into space. Blank brown eyes gazed past her, staring into nothing. His hair was dirty and unkept as was the rest of him-his clothes were ripped, crinkled and dirty and from where she stood she could see that they were beginning to slacken on his body.
It had been over a week that he had refused to come out of his room. It had been over a week that he fed or talked to anyone of them-angry snarls and harsh words didn't count. It was as though he had retreated into himself and she knew he had. She was concerned about him and even more so she was scared. Scared of loosing him.
"Angel-"
"Just get out . . . please" He begged. His voice was so broken and bruised, the words spoken in a soft whisper, but she heard them clearly and they cut her like a knife.
"No-" She spoke softly, her voice filled with stubbornness and a hint of sadness.
"Cordelia" He snapped "I cant . . . I don't want to talk about this right now. I want to be left alone" Even though he kept his voice even and controlled it still held a quiver of pure emotion. Emotion begging to be let out.
"I'm not going anywhere Angel" She spoke calmly as she took a seat on the edge of the bed so that she could watch him. When he didn't speak or acknowledge her, she continued to talk in a steady voice. "It's been three weeks Angel . . . Three weeks since she died and-" Sighing, she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, holding her hands out before her she gently massaged her right palm. She was nervous and for once in her life Cordelia Chase was going to be tactful-even if it killed her. "Angel, I . . . Were concerned about you. Locking yourself up here all alone, nothing but your own thoughts and-" Gesturing around the room "and darkness, its not healthy Angel. She's gone, I know and it hurts, but this isn't going to bring her back. You wasting away isn't going to help any"
Not once did he look at her as she talked and he never showed any signs of listening to her words or even acknowledging her presence. Instead she watched as he continued to ignore her, eyes staring of into space and body as still as a statue.
Out of everything Angel had shouted at them in the past few days, it was the things that he didn't say that hurt the most. It pained her to know he wasn't listening or that he didn't care that his friends were worried about him, but most of all it pained her because he didn't want their help.
Holding back her own sorrow, she continued to talk "Angel I know you blame yourself, but there was nothing you could have done. It's not your fault, it wasn't anybody's fault. It was just something that happened . . . she died saving the world. We all knew it was going to happen someday and I know how much your hurting-"
The change happened so fast that she never saw it coming. One minute he was sitting staring off into space and the next he was standing in front of her, hands clenched into fists and eyes flashing amber. A low growl emitted from his throat as he stared at her in anger.
Cordelia immediately shrank back in fear, he was shouting at her, words spilling angrily from his mouth. Not once had Angel seemed more like Angelus and not once had he ever lost that much control towards anyone of them before.
However, with fear brought adrenaline.
"-How dare you! You don't know how I feel, you have no concept of the pain that I'm feeling right now or the hell I'm going through! You-
And then anger.
Quickly standing she immediately became face to face with the growling vampire. All fear now left her body and all that was left was pure rage. How dare he! Right now Angel was going to learn why no one messed with Queen C!
"Out of all the most arrogant, hot-headed, self-absorbed. idiotic men I have ever met, you are the biggest bastard of them all!" She shouted and with each word she jabbed him harshly in the chest to prove the point.
"Don't push me cordelia, I swear to God-"
"No dammit Angel! You need to be pushed, you need to get over it. Shes dead Angel. Dead! And she's not coming back. Stop wallowing in self-pity and move on. Letting yourself waste away is not helping" Jabbing him one last time to prove her point, she quickly turned and headed towards the door, only stopping to continue when her hand reached the door handle. "You have a duty Angel, locking yourself away in the dark and pretending that it's not there wont make it go away. There are people that need you . . . we need you. We can't do this without you. The visions that I get are for you, not us"
Silently Cordelia opened the door and started to take a step over the threshold, when his voice stopped her.
"You don't understand." His voice was dull now-broken. There was no anger, only sadness.
He looked lost.
Slowly she shut the door and turned to face him. Leaning back against the hard wood, she watched him. "Your right, I don't understand" She spoke softly and sadly as she let herself become lost in past memories. After a few minutes she began to speak. " I grew up in Sunnydale, the home of the Hellmouth, but you already know that . . . right Angel?"
When he didn't answer or make any sign of intending too, she continued. "Deaths there were an everyday occurrence. I lost a lot of people I cared about . . . friends, family, boyfriends-" sighing she let herself sink slowly to the ground and watched as Angel did the same "No, I guess I don't understand after all."
Silence seemed to stretch on for hours before any of them dared to speak.
"I loved her so much and now I've lost her it feels like its killing me" he stated quietly
"I know"
Looking at her sharply, he continued to glare before muttering. "No you don't. You've never truly loved someone before"
Narrowing her eyes at him, she glared back. The anger that had previously ebbed away now came flooding back in waves. "You don't know a thing about me Angel so don't assume that you do!"
"Oh did I hit a sore spot?" He mocked, before continuing sarcastically. "Poor Cordelia Chase, never loved anyone but herself-"
"Stop-"
"Truth hurts, doesn't it?"
"Just stop please!" She begged softly
"Why should I Cordelia, eh?"
"Cos you don't know what you're talking about" She sniffled and fought to keep back tears "You think you know everything but you don't-"
"Oh I think I do. You've never loved anyone in your life, you only use them to get what you want-"
"No I don't-"
"Then name one person that you have truly loved with all your heart and soul" he shouted at her, already knowing the answer to his demanded question. When no answer came, he scowled, before shouting louder "Name him!"
Lifting her gaze from the floor to his eyes, she calmly stared at him a moment before speaking one word "Doyle"
And only then did she let the tears fall.
Angel sat there in silence, unable to move or speak, whatever answer he thought he would receive that wasn't one of them. No matter how hard he tried to think of something to say he couldn't. Instead, all he could do was watch Cordelia sob quietly. The usually calm and collected seer was a mess. She stared blankly into space, perfectly applied eye make-up now smudged with tears and hair slightly messed from running her hands through it.
When Angel finally spoke, his voice was soft and full of shock and regret. "I . . . I didn't know"
"You never asked" She stated quietly as the sobs eased. Not bothering to wipe her eyes as she knew that she wasn't quite finished crying yet, she silently brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep calming breath. Resting her forehead on her knees she waited for Angel to speak.
"You . . . You loved him?" He asked.
Not bothering to move, she answered truthfully and simply. "Yes, I loved him"
"How much?"
Lifting her head she gazed at him "More than you'll ever know" Cordelia let her face harden as a lone tear fell from her right eye. "So don't you dare tell me that I don't understand what it's like to loose someone you love! Cos I do and it hurts . . . it hurts a lot and-" Swallowing deeply she realised that she couldn't continue without breaking down completely, so she stopped and waited for the vampires reaction.
It didn't take long.
After the initial shock had worn off, Angel found himself filled with both compassion and anger. Compassion for loosing Doyle and anger for comparing that loss to loosing Buffy. "You and Doyle never had what Buffy and I had, so don't you try and compare it!"
Cordelia was absolutely shocked and for a moment she found herself speechless, but only for a moment. "You're right, what me and Doyle had wasn't what you and Buffy had and do you want to know why?" She questioned abruptly, her voice laced with fury "We never had a chance! And that's much worse, so don't you dare try that with me. . . I loved Doyle as much as you loved buffy" She stated, "You're lucky, and do you know why your so lucky?"
He didn't answer, she hadn't expected him too, "Cos you had her . . . you had a chance with her! You got to experience all the good stuff-"
A tear rolled down her tanned cheek. "I never got that. You should be grateful for the time you had together. If you stopped being such an ignorant bastard you'd realise that."
Slowly and carefully she pushed herself of the floor and used the door to support her as she stood "You're hurting right now and I get that, I also get that your angry and I'm willing to forget that this conversation ever happened. I won't mention it to the others but I don't want to see you again until you get yourself sorted out"
Opening the door she took a deep breath before raising her head and squaring her shoulders. "I'm going home now Angel" She told him as she stepped over the threshold.
"I'm sorry" Angel whispered as she left.
"I'm sorry too" giving him a soft smile she closed the door behind her before making her way down the empty corridor, smoothing her hair and fixing her make-up as she went.
~~Its hard to loose someone you love but it's even harder letting that person go~~
"Grief teaches even the steadiest minds to waver"
AUTHORS NOTE: I really hoped you liked the story, it was just something I came up with one night, took much longer to write though :o) This was my first Cordy and Angel style fic, hopefully it wont be my last.
Angel's locked himself away from the crew of AI and refuses to see anyone. He blames himself for Buffy's death and has lost himself in his own grief. He needs some one to pull him out . . .someone that understands what its like to loose someone you love . . . Cordelia's just the girl for the job!
Understanding
Cordelia knocked softly on the hard wooden door before her and braced herself for the harsh reply that was about to come.
"Go away . . . Leave me alone!" The raw and brusque voice shouted.
Taking a deep breath, she squared her shoulders and held her head high, bracing herself for more enraged shouts she quickly pushed the door open and stepped over the threshold and in to the dimness of Angel's private room.
This time when he turned and shouted at her to leave him alone she was more prepared. Narrowing her eyes in determination she glared at him. He was sitting in the corner of the room, pressed as close as he could get to the cool cement wall, whilst spreading his legs out straight in front of him. The only light in the room was from a small desk lamp placed next to his bed, a bed that looked like it hadn't been slept in for a while. Sighing, Cordelia let her eyes roam the room and felt her resolve falter a little as she saw the mess. The room looked as though it had been violently torn apart, chairs smashed, clothes flung around-some shredded, others not, books and paper laid crumpled, ripped and in pieces in various parts of the room. Bookshelves, wardrobes and draws had been smashed and tipped so that the contents had been spilled all over the floor. There were also fist sized dents in the cement walls-the plaster now cracked and crumbling.
It looked like there had been an earthquake, but Cordelia knew better than that. No there hadn't been any tremors . . . there had just been Angel.
At least now she knew what all the noise had been.
Slowly she took one last look around the room and let her eyes return to her best friend sitting in the corner. He looked a mess and her heart gave a painful lurch in her chest. She had never seen him this lost before and her heart broke for him. All traces of emotion had left his face as he stared of into space. Blank brown eyes gazed past her, staring into nothing. His hair was dirty and unkept as was the rest of him-his clothes were ripped, crinkled and dirty and from where she stood she could see that they were beginning to slacken on his body.
It had been over a week that he had refused to come out of his room. It had been over a week that he fed or talked to anyone of them-angry snarls and harsh words didn't count. It was as though he had retreated into himself and she knew he had. She was concerned about him and even more so she was scared. Scared of loosing him.
"Angel-"
"Just get out . . . please" He begged. His voice was so broken and bruised, the words spoken in a soft whisper, but she heard them clearly and they cut her like a knife.
"No-" She spoke softly, her voice filled with stubbornness and a hint of sadness.
"Cordelia" He snapped "I cant . . . I don't want to talk about this right now. I want to be left alone" Even though he kept his voice even and controlled it still held a quiver of pure emotion. Emotion begging to be let out.
"I'm not going anywhere Angel" She spoke calmly as she took a seat on the edge of the bed so that she could watch him. When he didn't speak or acknowledge her, she continued to talk in a steady voice. "It's been three weeks Angel . . . Three weeks since she died and-" Sighing, she leaned forward and rested her elbows on her knees, holding her hands out before her she gently massaged her right palm. She was nervous and for once in her life Cordelia Chase was going to be tactful-even if it killed her. "Angel, I . . . Were concerned about you. Locking yourself up here all alone, nothing but your own thoughts and-" Gesturing around the room "and darkness, its not healthy Angel. She's gone, I know and it hurts, but this isn't going to bring her back. You wasting away isn't going to help any"
Not once did he look at her as she talked and he never showed any signs of listening to her words or even acknowledging her presence. Instead she watched as he continued to ignore her, eyes staring of into space and body as still as a statue.
Out of everything Angel had shouted at them in the past few days, it was the things that he didn't say that hurt the most. It pained her to know he wasn't listening or that he didn't care that his friends were worried about him, but most of all it pained her because he didn't want their help.
Holding back her own sorrow, she continued to talk "Angel I know you blame yourself, but there was nothing you could have done. It's not your fault, it wasn't anybody's fault. It was just something that happened . . . she died saving the world. We all knew it was going to happen someday and I know how much your hurting-"
The change happened so fast that she never saw it coming. One minute he was sitting staring off into space and the next he was standing in front of her, hands clenched into fists and eyes flashing amber. A low growl emitted from his throat as he stared at her in anger.
Cordelia immediately shrank back in fear, he was shouting at her, words spilling angrily from his mouth. Not once had Angel seemed more like Angelus and not once had he ever lost that much control towards anyone of them before.
However, with fear brought adrenaline.
"-How dare you! You don't know how I feel, you have no concept of the pain that I'm feeling right now or the hell I'm going through! You-
And then anger.
Quickly standing she immediately became face to face with the growling vampire. All fear now left her body and all that was left was pure rage. How dare he! Right now Angel was going to learn why no one messed with Queen C!
"Out of all the most arrogant, hot-headed, self-absorbed. idiotic men I have ever met, you are the biggest bastard of them all!" She shouted and with each word she jabbed him harshly in the chest to prove the point.
"Don't push me cordelia, I swear to God-"
"No dammit Angel! You need to be pushed, you need to get over it. Shes dead Angel. Dead! And she's not coming back. Stop wallowing in self-pity and move on. Letting yourself waste away is not helping" Jabbing him one last time to prove her point, she quickly turned and headed towards the door, only stopping to continue when her hand reached the door handle. "You have a duty Angel, locking yourself away in the dark and pretending that it's not there wont make it go away. There are people that need you . . . we need you. We can't do this without you. The visions that I get are for you, not us"
Silently Cordelia opened the door and started to take a step over the threshold, when his voice stopped her.
"You don't understand." His voice was dull now-broken. There was no anger, only sadness.
He looked lost.
Slowly she shut the door and turned to face him. Leaning back against the hard wood, she watched him. "Your right, I don't understand" She spoke softly and sadly as she let herself become lost in past memories. After a few minutes she began to speak. " I grew up in Sunnydale, the home of the Hellmouth, but you already know that . . . right Angel?"
When he didn't answer or make any sign of intending too, she continued. "Deaths there were an everyday occurrence. I lost a lot of people I cared about . . . friends, family, boyfriends-" sighing she let herself sink slowly to the ground and watched as Angel did the same "No, I guess I don't understand after all."
Silence seemed to stretch on for hours before any of them dared to speak.
"I loved her so much and now I've lost her it feels like its killing me" he stated quietly
"I know"
Looking at her sharply, he continued to glare before muttering. "No you don't. You've never truly loved someone before"
Narrowing her eyes at him, she glared back. The anger that had previously ebbed away now came flooding back in waves. "You don't know a thing about me Angel so don't assume that you do!"
"Oh did I hit a sore spot?" He mocked, before continuing sarcastically. "Poor Cordelia Chase, never loved anyone but herself-"
"Stop-"
"Truth hurts, doesn't it?"
"Just stop please!" She begged softly
"Why should I Cordelia, eh?"
"Cos you don't know what you're talking about" She sniffled and fought to keep back tears "You think you know everything but you don't-"
"Oh I think I do. You've never loved anyone in your life, you only use them to get what you want-"
"No I don't-"
"Then name one person that you have truly loved with all your heart and soul" he shouted at her, already knowing the answer to his demanded question. When no answer came, he scowled, before shouting louder "Name him!"
Lifting her gaze from the floor to his eyes, she calmly stared at him a moment before speaking one word "Doyle"
And only then did she let the tears fall.
Angel sat there in silence, unable to move or speak, whatever answer he thought he would receive that wasn't one of them. No matter how hard he tried to think of something to say he couldn't. Instead, all he could do was watch Cordelia sob quietly. The usually calm and collected seer was a mess. She stared blankly into space, perfectly applied eye make-up now smudged with tears and hair slightly messed from running her hands through it.
When Angel finally spoke, his voice was soft and full of shock and regret. "I . . . I didn't know"
"You never asked" She stated quietly as the sobs eased. Not bothering to wipe her eyes as she knew that she wasn't quite finished crying yet, she silently brought her knees up to her chest and wrapped her arms around herself and took a deep calming breath. Resting her forehead on her knees she waited for Angel to speak.
"You . . . You loved him?" He asked.
Not bothering to move, she answered truthfully and simply. "Yes, I loved him"
"How much?"
Lifting her head she gazed at him "More than you'll ever know" Cordelia let her face harden as a lone tear fell from her right eye. "So don't you dare tell me that I don't understand what it's like to loose someone you love! Cos I do and it hurts . . . it hurts a lot and-" Swallowing deeply she realised that she couldn't continue without breaking down completely, so she stopped and waited for the vampires reaction.
It didn't take long.
After the initial shock had worn off, Angel found himself filled with both compassion and anger. Compassion for loosing Doyle and anger for comparing that loss to loosing Buffy. "You and Doyle never had what Buffy and I had, so don't you try and compare it!"
Cordelia was absolutely shocked and for a moment she found herself speechless, but only for a moment. "You're right, what me and Doyle had wasn't what you and Buffy had and do you want to know why?" She questioned abruptly, her voice laced with fury "We never had a chance! And that's much worse, so don't you dare try that with me. . . I loved Doyle as much as you loved buffy" She stated, "You're lucky, and do you know why your so lucky?"
He didn't answer, she hadn't expected him too, "Cos you had her . . . you had a chance with her! You got to experience all the good stuff-"
A tear rolled down her tanned cheek. "I never got that. You should be grateful for the time you had together. If you stopped being such an ignorant bastard you'd realise that."
Slowly and carefully she pushed herself of the floor and used the door to support her as she stood "You're hurting right now and I get that, I also get that your angry and I'm willing to forget that this conversation ever happened. I won't mention it to the others but I don't want to see you again until you get yourself sorted out"
Opening the door she took a deep breath before raising her head and squaring her shoulders. "I'm going home now Angel" She told him as she stepped over the threshold.
"I'm sorry" Angel whispered as she left.
"I'm sorry too" giving him a soft smile she closed the door behind her before making her way down the empty corridor, smoothing her hair and fixing her make-up as she went.
~~Its hard to loose someone you love but it's even harder letting that person go~~
"Grief teaches even the steadiest minds to waver"
AUTHORS NOTE: I really hoped you liked the story, it was just something I came up with one night, took much longer to write though :o) This was my first Cordy and Angel style fic, hopefully it wont be my last.