Disclaimer : I own nothing and to quote a friend of mine , I refuse to believe that this is even necessary !!! but for traditions sake , all characters belong to their respective owners and the only right I have is the credit to this here as I tell you this story. Oh , and yeah  parts of this story are mine and part of it aren't.

Rating : Its mostly PG but I'm putting an R on it just in case.

Summary :  Xander has to come to terms with a very difficult subject. The timeline is late season 7 I guess. A big revelation occurs and X-man has to deal.

Author's notes : This is sort of inspired by Julbie's 'A Life less extraordinary'. Pretty good read if you don't mind the slight B/S. I read the story and till the end where there was this bit on chapter five that completely held my attention and somewhat pissed me off to an extent. What she did was utterly brilliant. She made me want to write out my own version of some of those events that she wrote out and so I did (since the update kept me waiting too long) cos I went a lil crazy admittedly. I changed the background and added and altered some bits but mostly kept what made that scene sweet in my opinion so that the whole feel of it stayed the same. This is written in Xander's POV.

Be warned those who've read my work before. You might not like this.

Strong doses of B/S , B/A and B/X here in this series of which this is obviously the first..  Of course Xander still holds his significant place here. There's a huge amount of respect for Spike and everyone else too though. Seriously I just want this done right. That's all. It's also a lil answer to some stupid spoilers and other stuff I heard on the net as well as for some dumb fights I've been reluctantly pulled into.

Feedback : yes please …?

Dedication : To all Buffy fans really but mainly a huge shout out to loyal Xander fans too. They stuck faithfully true through all the bull and crap they've been handed out. They're the fiercest yet nicest bunch of people I know. To B/X'ers - hope is something we'll never lose. To Spike fans and B/S'ers , life just would be boring without all the fights and bickering between us all. Truth be told we're very similar . Why ? Cos we're Buffy fans !!!! Wheeeeeeeeeee !!!!!!!

I also gotta thank Moonbunny who reviewed this the first time before it got removed. Thank you : )

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Where we belong … by Zauriel Angelus

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Was this how it always was …?

For my part , I kept asking myself too many questions I couldn't answer , kept hearing too many answers I didn't like … but the voice that kept sounding in my head was hers.

It was a soft and gentle whisper that could barely be heard. I knew it was hers. I saw it. I heard the words leave her very lips. The moment remained completely frozen in my mind.

The whole gang was back together again for one last fight. At Buffy's house we all gathered. Our intention was to plan for the assault against the First.

To make our last stand.

Somehow things didn't go the way they should. Things that shouldn't be said were and secrets that were long kept, spilled. Emotions ran wild and unpleasant words were exchanged in anger. It was getting to us and I saw it. I didn't know how to stop it. In my mind there almost seemed to be no doubt that we would destroy ourselves before the First did.

Silence then came, before … and after. It was only half an hour ago when she came down from the stairs and told the world. She would clear the air on some things , she said and that she definitely did. Each of us would speak our turn and she would answer. She had spoken to me and then to Deadboy.

That's when it really begun.

I still remember it so clearly. Angel was standing by my side waiting as I did for what she was about to say. Dawn and Cordy was nervous. They knew something would happen then and there. Giles had left to himself , the front porch seemed a very attractive place to be. Faith deceivingly relaxed in her chair, was glancing at me as did Dawn who observed from behind the slayer's shoulder's and even Willow seemed worried for a second there. Her eyes meeting Buffy's she asked if the slayer was sure of what she was doing.

" Buffy … ?"

The slayer had nodded slowly and Willow looked down to the floor. The front door started to open then as well. Riley was coming in. Angel wasn't paying attention to that of course and neither was Oz who sat in the corner watching Willow , wondering to himself I bet about what in the hell was going on.

He wasn't the only one, of that I was very sure. 

And so it was when time stopped , Spike was in front of her as were we all but the message was for him. It was his turn to be addressed and he was almost in tears.  She had started just fine at first with telling off me and Dead boy ; we all heard her say again  how she would always love Angel and what I was worth to her - but then or rather, now … 

For a second Buffy stopped and as our eyes met …she faltered. 

" I …I need some time alone with Spike. There are some things t-that …"

I just had to know …

" No …" I shook my head almost violently. " No way … we had to take our lashings in the public forum so whatever you have to say to Spike you say it right here , right now."

I just had to know …

" Why are you being like this ?!!"

" Because I …" The words trailed off and somehow it seemed too easy to lose control. What was happening here ? I tried to regain my calm and started to speak again.

" Look, you told me you loved me, but to stay the hell out of your life. Fine. You told Angel you loved him and not to let the door hit him in the ass on his way out. So go ahead and tell Spike that you think he's swell too but then … I don't think that's it is it ?"

" Xander …" Willow tried to speak up.

" Let me hear it Buffy. We're all adults here aren't we ?"

" Fine …" she replied with the same look and tone that I had given her. She shook her head and her features softened when she turned to Spike.

" Spike... do you remember the night I died ?" she began taking him completely off guard.

"Of course I do."


"Do you remember what you said to me, at my house... before?"

"About protecting Dawn?"

Dawn looks at Spike. He glances at her and looks away, shyly.

" No..." Buffy leans in towards him, speaking very softly. "...when you said you knew I'd never love you."

Feeling many sets of eyes boring into him Spike looks down, shamed.

"Yes."

There was a pause and I could've sworn everyone was holding their breath. Well for everyone who had breath at least and that's when it happened. Then I heard her say it.

"You were wrong."

Spike slowly lifted his head, his eyes meeting Buffy's. The tears were pouring down. Everyone was silent. She was crying softly.


" I love you, Spike"


Thinking back I think I knew it was coming. Maybe I wanted to hear it for myself. Gasps and other reactions ensued. Spike and Buffy had earned the most looks at that point but everyone knew I was hit the hardest. I was the only one who didn't speak. Heck even Oz said something to the effect of  " Wha-?"

My eyes went dead and my blood ran cold. Everyone and everything truly went quiet then. Somehow at long last , I finally managed to speak.

" See … that wasn't too hard now was it ? I'm guessing we're done now. Lemme just get some fresh air for a minute. So if you'll excuse me …"

My voice never cracked and my composure remained steady surprising even me. Everyone was waiting for a blow-up of some kind but time had passed and still quiet reigned. And so quickly I nodded to Buffy , smiled my best lop-sided grin, turned and walked out of the house.

I didn't look back even once.

What was going on now I didn't know and I just couldn't care. It was their moment.

Wasn't right to break that up right ?

I walked and walked and walked. Somehow I ended up at Sunnydale High , at the exact same place  where I first saw her.

Where I first saw Buffy , when my whole life changed.

I remembered now …


" I love you, Spike"

It hurt. It hurt a lot more than I thought it would. I couldn't believe it. I just … can't.

No one knew, probably not even me …

People would assume I would find it difficult to accept the truth that Buffy loved Spike and that's what I was dealing with right now. I bet everyone would jump so quickly to that conclusion. Everyone would think they know how Xander would react and why. The heart of the matter was actually very different.


" I love you, Spike"

It wasn't her confession although a part of it I'll admit, contributed nonetheless.  Spike's heart was never a mystery. He holds it in front of him for everyone to see. His façade was always embarrassingly thin despite his best attempts.

My heart … now that's a mess for the ages.

Its funny … I hardly ever cry and I'm not crying even now. The heavens seem willing to do that for me though. Tears of rain are pouring down from the cold dark sky. Perhaps it is fitting. Its probably one of the saddest moments in my life and I realize how true that would be and I still find it hard to believe it. 

It wasn't because Buffy told Spike she loved him. It never was really and I knew it . I knew it now. I finally understood. I finally realized why it hurts me so bad.

Something was still there … and it burnt as brightly as ever.

DAMN !!!  I-I still …  I still ,

It had been almost seven years now and nobody ever took the time to tell me.

Damn …

I was never Angel. I wasn't Scott Hope. Never was I Parker nor was I Riley or even was I Spike. I was Xander and will always be and that instantly made me different from them all. After Angel , after Scott , after Parker , after Riley , after Spike … I actually still stood the same ground that I always did.

" Buffy …"

There was one last fight to help with and I would be there by her side as I always was.

I was Xander and he was always there.

Does it make me pathetic ?  Does it make you puke ? Does it make you laugh ? Does it make you cry ? They can all think and feel and do whatever the hell they want to. It doesn't matter. Not even if Buffy really does love Spike. I don't particularly care. Never really did anyways not when something else mattered more.

There was a road just right in front of me. Where it would lead to was out of Sunnydale. I could choose to turn away from all this. A normal life isn't impossible for me. I could just walk and there'd be no one to stop me but that'd be too easy … to just leave now  when things were difficult.

To give up in the middle of the war.

Would it matter if I stayed I asked myself. Would I make a difference …? 

It does matter because I realized there was reason why I'm still here and one can always make a difference if you choose to do so and I always tried , as hard as it was , as frustrating as it may be. You can't stop trying. You can't stop fighting.

And through it all , never forget who you really are.

" One more fight …"

I would never abandon her.

" Buffy …"

From the beginning till the end … never forget the ones you love

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End notes : -

It was more or less a B/S fic that got me thinking about how Xander as a character is so easily viewed universally as an asshole and a dumb asshole at that. Now I've seen and heard these kind of views before over and over and the first thought was to just let it pass , it was just a fic afterall ... but I couldn't y'know ?

 I truly hated that common mentality some people had of Xander and so I set out rather industriously to put to paper what I felt about it and what I felt was simply this - that flawed as he is , there's a clear reason why he is in fact one of Buffy's best friends and him hers. I looked at some stuff and find myself saying " that's just not right , no matter what stupid things he's said and done in the past. That's just NOT who Xander is. Give him a little more credit than that.You don't know what you're saying."

  So I toiled and I worked. I put him straight in the driver's seat and let him choose. In one of the worst possible situations any man would ever find himself in , I believed in Xander and I believed he would choose what he ultimately believed to be right. And faithfully it began - he made the most difficult choice by not choosing himself when it was simply so easy to, which come to think of it, something he's always done.

 For the greater good , for your family , your friends , the people you love - that's why Xander fought in the first place, that's why he's so loyal. Sure he's a lil of a comic geek but the fantasy that lived in those funny books no doubt coloured in his mind what was  truly important in reality - LIFE.

He always remembered that.

Xander's not the smartest man ,never the wisest person, he's not the strongest or biggest guy out there but he's got the biggest heart in the world and he's always brave enough to be better, to make up for his mistakes , to give it his everything ... to love with all his heart.

I don't think him accepting Buffy's choices makes him a buttmonkey. I don't think he's absolutely perfect either. Here I only kept him human and showed what was really only there in the first place ; that something that made him better than they all thought him to be.

That *special* something that essentially made him Xander.

Well ...At least that's what I think.

Zauriel .......

ps : Beforehand I already planned a sequel to 'Where we Belong', again this is a series, and there we will see that even Xander's loyalty has its limits. Xand is nobody's  buttmonkey I assure you. In 'Where we Belong' some things just far outweighed his anger and hatred. That's all. In the sequel is where I would think Buffy really steps out of line.

Would really love to know what you think of this so please tell me what you think ok ?

FEEDBACK !!!!!!!!!!