Title: Best I Ever Had
Summary: Short fic, sort of a songfic based on the song "Best I Ever Had"
by Vertical Horizon.Hr/D all the way, from Draco's point of view.
*COMPLETE*
**
~Flashback~
"I'm leaving."
That was it. She was leaving. She was leaving everything she had and ever wanted. She was going away and it was all because of him. They had shared so much, loved so much, but it was still impossible. He made it impossible. He made it impossible because despite everything that transpired, he never stopped believing that it was impossible. So she had to go. She couldn't stay. It was too much. The memories, the love, the pain. She would've given up the world for him, but now she'll never have that chance.
He was still seated in his chair. He saw her pick up her suitcase, turn on her heels and walk out the door. He was in pain. There were voices screaming inside his head to stop her, to hold her back, to just hold her and forget the world. But he didn't do that. He watched, pain scorching away at his heart, as she walked out the door and slammed shut behind her.
~End Flashback~
It was a year ago that they had broken up. He hadn't seen her since. Draco Malfoy stared out at the soft raindrops at the window. It would've been their anniversary today. His mind involuntarily drifted back to thoughts of her.
So you sailed away Into a gray sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring Nothing's quite the same now I just say your name now
It had never been the same without her. A part of his life had gone missing. He knew that, but he also knew he couldn't do anything about it. They had risked enough.
But its not so bad You're only the best I ever had
It was time for both of them to live the lives they were destined for, the lives they both believed in. That was his thought then and it was still his thought now.
You don't want me back You're just the best I ever had
He was engaged now. Not that he loved this woman, because he didn't. But it was time to marry and she was the most appropriate choice. What's the point in brooding about Hermione? She would never come back, not after what he put her through. He had let her go, freely. He watched as she walked out of his life. Who was he to claim her back? Who was she to want him back? No, it was hopeless to even think about it. It was over.
So you stole my world Now I'm just a phony
He tried to stop thinking about her, but found that he couldn't. He only remembered too well how Hermione Granger had changed him and his world. She gave it meaning, she gave it hope. Despite the absurdity of such a relationship, it had happened and it forever altered who he was. He couldn't help but feel insignificant with her gone, without her around.
Remembering the girl Leaves me down and lonely
Draco sighed. This was pointless. He was just making himself feel worse. This was not healthy. He was getting married. He should be happy. But he wasn't. And he knew why.
Send it in a letter Make yourself feel better
Many times he had picked up his quill and parchment. Many times he had actually dipped the quill in ink and let it slide into words on the parchment. And many times he had crumpled it all up and thrown it on the floor. He wanted to write her, wanted her to know. It gave him excitement, pleasure, hope at the thought of her reading his words. He wanted her still. But he knew there was no way. So nothing ever got sent. And really, nothing ever got written long enough to be considered anything.
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You don't need me back You're just the best I ever had
But that didn't stop him from hearing things. He heard about her-he had his ways. She still kept in touch with her old friends, though she was an ocean away. She seemed to be doing fine. Of course she would be, Hermione wasn't a quitter, Hermione was a winner. She was a hard worker. And she was good, so very good. She would make it anywhere and everywhere all by herself, and no one else. She was doing well, upping the ranks in her job. She was making friends. Last he heard, she was starting to see someone again. It only confirmed for him how so gone she was from his life, his world. He had completely lost his first real and only love.
It may take some time To patch me up inside
Draco gave up trying to work in his study. He knew he wasn't and never will be completely over Hermione. He would move on, yes he would, to the eyes of the world. But he knew he never could and would stop loving her. Maybe one day.he'll stop hurting. But that day wasn't today. And it won't be tomorrow either.
I can't take it So I run away and hide
Nobody knew, but Draco had a hidden chamber. It was connected to a bookshelf in his bedroom at Malfoy Manor. And it was where he was heading now. The room itself didn't have much-just a desk, chair, soft cushion, and single bookshelf. There was no windows, no paintings. It was bare but it was his solace. It was his escape, his way to shield himself from the outside world. He knew what he would find on the desk in that room. The diary. And it wasn't really his personal diary, though it was personal. It was where he wrote-to her. What he never could say in those crumpled, unsent letters, he wrote in that diary. Slowly he closed the door to his bedroom once he arrived and locked it with a special charm. He then went to the bookshelf, tapped on the blue book on the third shelf three times, and the shelf shifted outwards, like a door. He went inside and closed the shelf behind him firmly. No one would ever find him there, in that room. He finally reached the desk and proceeded immediately to write to her.
Dearest Hermione,
My love. It is our anniversary today, and I know what I would've given you, if we were still together. It would've made you the happiest of women and witches, yes it would. It is raining now, not a single sunshine in the sky, the last I looked. It matches my mood quite perfectly, now, doesn't it? I miss you still and always will. The wedding is a month away. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I have no choice. I've made the decision, and now I can only live with it. But I will never stop writing to you. You know you're always here, with me, in this book. It's as if I'm really speaking to you, and you're just pleasantly listening in. And though I ache for you to somehow respond, to talk back, I know you can't. Even a shout, a yell, anything from you would be welcome. I will never stop loving you, Hermione. I never can. I had no idea true love could be that strong a spell, but I should have guessed it so, since it came from you. You're right Hermione, I am not happy. I am hurting, just like you, and though I can never forgive myself for hurting you, this is how it must be. I can't make what's impossible possible. I don't have that power, but by Merlin, I wish I did. But you're right, you always were, you know. In everything. You were right about me, and about us. And about this.
I may find in time That you were always right You're always right
I'm sorry, Hermione. You're right and I'm sorry. But I won't say I regret breaking us up. It would've happened sooner or later. Life was not on our side, no it wasn't. Fate was against us. I can only hope that one day you will find some happiness. Perhaps in another lifetime, fate would be kinder. So here I am, left with memories of you, so bittersweet they are. And here I suffer, eternally.
Draco paused, as he heard someone tap on his bedroom door, outside of the chamber. He strained his ears to listen if that person spoke.
"Mr. Malfoy, Miss Parkinson has arrived, sir."
It was his butler. Hastily, he closed the diary and lay aside his quill. No one could know about this place. Quietly, he slipped out of the chamber, pushed the bookcase back to its original position and answered his butler.
"Tell Miss Parkinson I'll be down in a minute."
The fading sound of footsteps told Draco that his butler had gone from the door. He then approached his mirror to check on his appearance. A few strands of his silver blond hair was dangling loosely about his forehead, irritating his sad gray eyes, and he shoved them back.
"You look as immaculate and handsome as ever, Young Master," the mirror said, "but the sad lines on your face do tarnish it somewhat a bit."
"I didn't ask for your expert opinion, you know," he grunted in reply. "It doesn't matter, really. Smiling gives you lines on your cheeks just as well."
"But those with happy hearts would not mind, good sir," the mirror replied, completely oblivious, or so Draco thought, to his state of mind.
He turned around and walked towards his door. "My heart's too broken up to ever feel that happiness again, dear mirror," he said as he walked out the door and it shut coldly behind him.
So you sailed away Into a gray sky morning Now I'm here to stay Love can be so boring
His thoughts returned to Hermione again, as he deliberately slowed his pace towards the spiraling staircase. As he came towards it, he took a quick peek downstairs and caught the glimpse of a woman's long golden blonde hair. Not the sweet curly chestnut. He sighed once again, shaking his head.
What was it you wanted? Could it be your haunted?
Why couldn't he get what he wanted, what he desired? Why couldn't he give her what she wanted and desired? The answer was so simple, yet so utterly complicated, the paradox formed a labyrinth inside his head. He mentally slapped his head to shake away his thoughts and stepped down the stairs.
The blonde woman heard him and rushed excitedly from where she was to the foot of the stairs, happy to greet him. "Draco, finally!" she cried, as he reached her.
But its not so bad You're only the best I ever had
He tried his best to give a smile as they embraced, or rather, she embraced him. He then pulled away, and out of habit rather than desire, put his arm around her waist and they both headed for the dining room, where she had been invited for dinner with his parents.
I don't want you back You're just the best I ever had
If Hermione could see him now, she would shudder. He was always a professional at putting on facades and masks and to anyone's eye, it would seem that he was content to be with this woman, who clung onto him fiercely. But he wasn't, and he didn't want Hermione to ever see him this way. Even if it meant she would never see him again, or that he would never see her again. Because this façade would last long, possibly for the whole duration of his marriage, if the woman turned out to be bearable. No, he'd rather not ever see her again, if she must see him this way.
They entered the living room to the beaming eyes of his parents, who were already seated behind the elegant dining table. Draco gave a slight nudge to his fiancee and they took their places at the table.
This is my life now, no matter how I feel. No matter how hard I crave, dream, and continue to love you. You will always be the one, Hermione. But this is my life now, this is how it must be. You're the best I ever had, and ever will have. I love you. But I have to live my life, and you yours. And I'm going to live it.
Draco smiled at his parents and they all began to eat. As he took his bite and a conversation started, thoughts of Hermione Granger began to fade away, awaiting to resurface sometime later on.
The best I ever had
The best I ever had.
"I'm leaving."
That was it. She was leaving. She was leaving everything she had and ever wanted. She was going away and it was all because of him. They had shared so much, loved so much, but it was still impossible. He made it impossible. He made it impossible because despite everything that transpired, he never stopped believing that it was impossible. So she had to go. She couldn't stay. It was too much. The memories, the love, the pain. She would've given up the world for him, but now she'll never have that chance.
He was still seated in his chair. He saw her pick up her suitcase, turn on her heels and walk out the door. He was in pain. There were voices screaming inside his head to stop her, to hold her back, to just hold her and forget the world. But he didn't do that. He watched, pain scorching away at his heart, as she walked out the door and slammed shut behind her.
~End Flashback~
It was a year ago that they had broken up. He hadn't seen her since. Draco Malfoy stared out at the soft raindrops at the window. It would've been their anniversary today. His mind involuntarily drifted back to thoughts of her.
So you sailed away Into a gray sky morning
Now I'm here to stay
Love can be so boring Nothing's quite the same now I just say your name now
It had never been the same without her. A part of his life had gone missing. He knew that, but he also knew he couldn't do anything about it. They had risked enough.
But its not so bad You're only the best I ever had
It was time for both of them to live the lives they were destined for, the lives they both believed in. That was his thought then and it was still his thought now.
You don't want me back You're just the best I ever had
He was engaged now. Not that he loved this woman, because he didn't. But it was time to marry and she was the most appropriate choice. What's the point in brooding about Hermione? She would never come back, not after what he put her through. He had let her go, freely. He watched as she walked out of his life. Who was he to claim her back? Who was she to want him back? No, it was hopeless to even think about it. It was over.
So you stole my world Now I'm just a phony
He tried to stop thinking about her, but found that he couldn't. He only remembered too well how Hermione Granger had changed him and his world. She gave it meaning, she gave it hope. Despite the absurdity of such a relationship, it had happened and it forever altered who he was. He couldn't help but feel insignificant with her gone, without her around.
Remembering the girl Leaves me down and lonely
Draco sighed. This was pointless. He was just making himself feel worse. This was not healthy. He was getting married. He should be happy. But he wasn't. And he knew why.
Send it in a letter Make yourself feel better
Many times he had picked up his quill and parchment. Many times he had actually dipped the quill in ink and let it slide into words on the parchment. And many times he had crumpled it all up and thrown it on the floor. He wanted to write her, wanted her to know. It gave him excitement, pleasure, hope at the thought of her reading his words. He wanted her still. But he knew there was no way. So nothing ever got sent. And really, nothing ever got written long enough to be considered anything.
But it's not so bad You're only the best I ever had You don't need me back You're just the best I ever had
But that didn't stop him from hearing things. He heard about her-he had his ways. She still kept in touch with her old friends, though she was an ocean away. She seemed to be doing fine. Of course she would be, Hermione wasn't a quitter, Hermione was a winner. She was a hard worker. And she was good, so very good. She would make it anywhere and everywhere all by herself, and no one else. She was doing well, upping the ranks in her job. She was making friends. Last he heard, she was starting to see someone again. It only confirmed for him how so gone she was from his life, his world. He had completely lost his first real and only love.
It may take some time To patch me up inside
Draco gave up trying to work in his study. He knew he wasn't and never will be completely over Hermione. He would move on, yes he would, to the eyes of the world. But he knew he never could and would stop loving her. Maybe one day.he'll stop hurting. But that day wasn't today. And it won't be tomorrow either.
I can't take it So I run away and hide
Nobody knew, but Draco had a hidden chamber. It was connected to a bookshelf in his bedroom at Malfoy Manor. And it was where he was heading now. The room itself didn't have much-just a desk, chair, soft cushion, and single bookshelf. There was no windows, no paintings. It was bare but it was his solace. It was his escape, his way to shield himself from the outside world. He knew what he would find on the desk in that room. The diary. And it wasn't really his personal diary, though it was personal. It was where he wrote-to her. What he never could say in those crumpled, unsent letters, he wrote in that diary. Slowly he closed the door to his bedroom once he arrived and locked it with a special charm. He then went to the bookshelf, tapped on the blue book on the third shelf three times, and the shelf shifted outwards, like a door. He went inside and closed the shelf behind him firmly. No one would ever find him there, in that room. He finally reached the desk and proceeded immediately to write to her.
Dearest Hermione,
My love. It is our anniversary today, and I know what I would've given you, if we were still together. It would've made you the happiest of women and witches, yes it would. It is raining now, not a single sunshine in the sky, the last I looked. It matches my mood quite perfectly, now, doesn't it? I miss you still and always will. The wedding is a month away. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but I have no choice. I've made the decision, and now I can only live with it. But I will never stop writing to you. You know you're always here, with me, in this book. It's as if I'm really speaking to you, and you're just pleasantly listening in. And though I ache for you to somehow respond, to talk back, I know you can't. Even a shout, a yell, anything from you would be welcome. I will never stop loving you, Hermione. I never can. I had no idea true love could be that strong a spell, but I should have guessed it so, since it came from you. You're right Hermione, I am not happy. I am hurting, just like you, and though I can never forgive myself for hurting you, this is how it must be. I can't make what's impossible possible. I don't have that power, but by Merlin, I wish I did. But you're right, you always were, you know. In everything. You were right about me, and about us. And about this.
I may find in time That you were always right You're always right
I'm sorry, Hermione. You're right and I'm sorry. But I won't say I regret breaking us up. It would've happened sooner or later. Life was not on our side, no it wasn't. Fate was against us. I can only hope that one day you will find some happiness. Perhaps in another lifetime, fate would be kinder. So here I am, left with memories of you, so bittersweet they are. And here I suffer, eternally.
Draco paused, as he heard someone tap on his bedroom door, outside of the chamber. He strained his ears to listen if that person spoke.
"Mr. Malfoy, Miss Parkinson has arrived, sir."
It was his butler. Hastily, he closed the diary and lay aside his quill. No one could know about this place. Quietly, he slipped out of the chamber, pushed the bookcase back to its original position and answered his butler.
"Tell Miss Parkinson I'll be down in a minute."
The fading sound of footsteps told Draco that his butler had gone from the door. He then approached his mirror to check on his appearance. A few strands of his silver blond hair was dangling loosely about his forehead, irritating his sad gray eyes, and he shoved them back.
"You look as immaculate and handsome as ever, Young Master," the mirror said, "but the sad lines on your face do tarnish it somewhat a bit."
"I didn't ask for your expert opinion, you know," he grunted in reply. "It doesn't matter, really. Smiling gives you lines on your cheeks just as well."
"But those with happy hearts would not mind, good sir," the mirror replied, completely oblivious, or so Draco thought, to his state of mind.
He turned around and walked towards his door. "My heart's too broken up to ever feel that happiness again, dear mirror," he said as he walked out the door and it shut coldly behind him.
So you sailed away Into a gray sky morning Now I'm here to stay Love can be so boring
His thoughts returned to Hermione again, as he deliberately slowed his pace towards the spiraling staircase. As he came towards it, he took a quick peek downstairs and caught the glimpse of a woman's long golden blonde hair. Not the sweet curly chestnut. He sighed once again, shaking his head.
What was it you wanted? Could it be your haunted?
Why couldn't he get what he wanted, what he desired? Why couldn't he give her what she wanted and desired? The answer was so simple, yet so utterly complicated, the paradox formed a labyrinth inside his head. He mentally slapped his head to shake away his thoughts and stepped down the stairs.
The blonde woman heard him and rushed excitedly from where she was to the foot of the stairs, happy to greet him. "Draco, finally!" she cried, as he reached her.
But its not so bad You're only the best I ever had
He tried his best to give a smile as they embraced, or rather, she embraced him. He then pulled away, and out of habit rather than desire, put his arm around her waist and they both headed for the dining room, where she had been invited for dinner with his parents.
I don't want you back You're just the best I ever had
If Hermione could see him now, she would shudder. He was always a professional at putting on facades and masks and to anyone's eye, it would seem that he was content to be with this woman, who clung onto him fiercely. But he wasn't, and he didn't want Hermione to ever see him this way. Even if it meant she would never see him again, or that he would never see her again. Because this façade would last long, possibly for the whole duration of his marriage, if the woman turned out to be bearable. No, he'd rather not ever see her again, if she must see him this way.
They entered the living room to the beaming eyes of his parents, who were already seated behind the elegant dining table. Draco gave a slight nudge to his fiancee and they took their places at the table.
This is my life now, no matter how I feel. No matter how hard I crave, dream, and continue to love you. You will always be the one, Hermione. But this is my life now, this is how it must be. You're the best I ever had, and ever will have. I love you. But I have to live my life, and you yours. And I'm going to live it.
Draco smiled at his parents and they all began to eat. As he took his bite and a conversation started, thoughts of Hermione Granger began to fade away, awaiting to resurface sometime later on.
The best I ever had
The best I ever had.