INSOMNIA
Chapter 2 - Draco
I'm not just my father's son.
I'm not just a younger version of the illustrious Lucius Malfoy, Death Eater Extraordinaire!
I have hopes of my own, wishes of my own, dreams of my own, desires of my own.
He wants me to become like him, serve the Dark Lord, become a Death Eater (Draco Malfoy, Death Eater Extraordinaire!). It is my destiny. It is what I was made for. I knew there had to be a reason I was made. It couldn't have been because my parents wanted me!
No, that's not true. My mother wanted me, wants me, loves me. She used to hold me so close when I was hurt, when I came to her after Father beat me. She would kiss my tears and tell me she loved me. She would stroke my hair and tell me I was her Draco, her only love. Did I love her? Did her dearest Draco love her? She even used to lie to me and tell me Father loved me!
But my father hates me. Most of the time he ignores me, but I think he works at that a bit, puts extra effort in to appear indifferent. Because sometimes he beats me. You don't beat someone you don't care about one way or the other. He says he beats me for my own good, to make me stronger, to help me overcome my weaknesses--to help me learn to survive.
I guess if I've learned anything from Father, it's how to survive! But then, I've learned so much from Father.
Essay: Ten Things I've Learned from My Father, by Draco Malfoy
I'm a Malfoy, born and bred, a Slytherin, like my father, and his father, and his father before him, and his father before him… A Malfoy never disgraces his name or his house. A Malfoy hates all things not pure. A Malfoy hates all things that are flawed, things that are weak. Any show of emotions, even hatred, is a flaw, a weakness. There is never any excuse for weakness. Pain can overcome emotion, can overcome weakness. Pain can erase pain. Pain can make you numb. Pain can help you survive.At least Father never beats Mother for showing emotion, for showing weakness. She's not truly a Malfoy so she doesn't have to meet his exacting standards. She's just his wife, a pretty thing to be possessed, to be shown off upon the right occasions—and to be put back on the shelf, ignored until needed or wanted the next time.
I guess he doesn't beat her because you don't bother to destroy a particularly pretty painting by ripping it to shreds just because you find a tiny piece of the paint has chipped—you just put it in the back of the cupboard and ignore it until you feel like looking at it again.
Maybe it would be better if he beat her.
Pain can make you numb.
But sometimes I feel…feel so deeply and desperately that even the pain of Crucio can't numb me!
Sometimes my feelings, my dreams, my desires hurt so badly they wake me in the night. Forbidden dreams; forbidden desires. Sometimes I see her face, her eyes filled with dislike (not hatred, not enough noticing to hate). I hear her voice, her words filled with distaste (not enough caring, even, for contempt).
She doesn't know, never will understand. Never because I'll never tell her—not even under the threat of the Killing Curse!
It would kill Mother if she knew—she'd never understand how I could love anyone but her.
Father would kill me if he knew--a Malfoy hates anything that is not pure; a Malfoy never disgraces his name or his house. Those are absolutes; there are no exceptions permitted.
Sometimes I hate him, hate him for what he is.
Sometimes I hate him, hate him for what he wants me to become.
Sometimes I hate him, hate him because I still want so very much to please him—even though I know that I never will.
Sometimes I hate him, hate him because in spite of everything, I love him.
Sometimes I hate myself, hate myself because in spite of everything I love him.
Sometimes I just hate.
But most of the time, I'm just numb.
Most of the time, I'm just my father's son.