INSOMNIA
Chapter 3 - Lucius
I hate to wake up in the middle of the night.
The darkness can be so illuminating, making me see things I'd rather remained hidden.
The darkness can be so anonymous, permitting me the freedom to remember things I'd rather forget.
The darkness can be so sensual, making me feel things I'd….well, I'd just rather not feel anything…
But once… once I did feel…
…felt so deeply it filled me with joy, felt so deeply it hurt.
…felt the unbounded joy of looking with love into eyes that loved me back.
…felt the oneness of a joining not just of body, not just of heart, but of soul.
…felt the unlimited possibilities of sharing hopes, dreams, desires…
Sometimes it felt like flying; sometimes it felt like dying—but it always felt.
But a Malfoy never disgraces his name or his house…
Father beat me when he found out.
"A Malfoy never disgraces his name or his house!"
He beat me within an inch of my life.
"There is never any excuse for weakness!"
I can still remember the taste of the blood I coughed up for two days from the broken ribs. I can still remember the look in his eyes when he saw my bruised face, my eyes nearly swollen shut. I can still remember the look in his eyes when I turned away from him for the first time, turned away from him for the last time.
Shortly afterwards, Narcissa and I were married.
"A Malfoy never disgraces his name or his house!"
Shortly afterwards, Draco was born…
Sometimes I hate them, hate them for the pain I see in their eyes when they think I'm not looking, when they think I don't see them.
Sometimes I hate them, hate them for the love I see in their eyes when they think I'm not looking, when they think I'm indifferent to their very existence.
Sometimes I hate myself, hate myself for the love I cannot feel, cannot give them in return.
Sometimes I just hate.
But hate is a weakness, too. It makes you vulnerable, makes you lose control.
And it all comes down to control, doesn't it? And control yields power. The Dark Lord and I are in unison on this core issue—it's why I took his mark in the first place. We each understand that without control—control over others, but mostly control over yourself, you can have no power. And without power, you can have no control.
Pain is power; pain is control.
I try to make Draco understand this, the need to control his emotions, control his weaknesses. There can be no room for weakness in our world. Even the smallest crack in the façade has the power to bring down the entire fortress!
Of course, he does not understand. He has not yet learned to harness the pain, make it his own, control it, turn it to power.
Sometimes I fear for him, fear for him as any father fears for his child. I fear that he will not be strong enough, will succumb to his emotions, to his weaknesses. I fear that he will not survive…
And sometimes I fear that he will.
I hate to wake up in the middle of night! It makes me so damned introspective I could vomit!
But most of the time, I think I just hate to wake up.