Harry's eyes flew open and he bolted upright with a gasp.
Once he realized he was awake, he slowly eased himself back onto the pillow, taking deep, slow breaths, trying to create a sense of calm. 'Another nightmare...I had hoped that they'd stop once I left, but, really, why should I be so lucky?'
There was soft knock at the door, then it opened, Remus' head peeking into the room. "Harry?" he asked softly.
"Yeah...I'm awake."
Remus paused, hearing something in Harry's voice that he didn't like. Soundlessly, he entered the room and sat down on Harry's bed. "Care to talk about it?"
"It's nothing, really. Just these bloody nightmares again." Harry let out an exasperated sigh. "It's bad enough I lived through it all-does my mind *really* have to make me see it all again while I sleep?"
Remus ran his hand through Harry's hair comfortingly. "It's not unusual. I still dream of things that happened long ago. What you dream of...it was all so recent. Sometimes, time really is the best palliative."
"It's not only that. I have...other dreams, too."
"Other dreams?" Remus waited for Harry to respond. When no response was forthcoming, though.... "Is there something else bothering you?"
"Yeah. Me."
"Care to...elaborate on that?"
"I'm just thinking about who I am." Harry looked up at the ceiling. "I took a coward's way out. I have to admit that, now."
Remus frowned. "I hope you're not looking for me to condone your suicide attempt, Harry, because-"
"No, that's not it at all!" Harry paused for a second, gathering his thoughts. "I...I've just realized how many people I'd have hurt if I had succeeded. The Headmaster, Hagrid-all of the staff, even Professor Snape. Draco, Neville. You-if you had woken up, only to find that I was gone as well...I don't want to think about that."
Remus shivered. "Neither do I."
"That's not all. Look at Ron. He lost two brothers, and very nearly lost his sister when Hogwarts was attacked. Hermione's father was paralyzed when Voldemort destroyed their house. Draco had to kill his own father, so many other students lost friends and loved ones...and none of them were out trying to off themselves."
"Harry." Remus was at a loss for words. "Everyone has seen horrors, I will not deny that. And everyone has dealt with his or her emotions differently. Ron started lashing out, Draco became obsessive with protecting people-not just you, but all those he cares about. I withdrew. We all react in different ways. Granted, you chose a rather extreme method, but I don't think you wanted to kill *yourself*--just the feelings."
"Remus, I don't know what I'm all about anymore. I'm not sure what prompted me to make that decision-any decision, for that matter. Who knows-maybe if I'd been patient for awhile longer, it would've all blown over with time. Sometimes I hate myself, Remus-I just feel trapped into a series of events over which I have no control anymore." He buried his face in his hands. "I wish that I had never tried to kill myself."
Remus pulled Harry into a hug. "I wish the same thing," he whispered into Harry's hair. "It hurts me, to see the pain you've been enduring. But you're strong, Harry. You'll get through this."
"If I were strong, would I have tried to kill myself in the first place?"
"Harry...I can't give you the answers you're looking for. No one can. The fact that you're looking, though...gives me joy. And sometimes...sometimes we don't know how strong we are, until we're forced to face it. Do you want my opinion?"
Harry nodded. "Well, I think that you made the initial decision under a great deal of stress. You hadn't allowed yourself to grieve, and you were trying to take on everyone else's pain. But since then.... There's a lot you have to face yet, and you know. And instead of taking the same route out again, you're trying to face up to those struggles. That is why I think you're strong, Harry. Don't you understand?"
Remus tilted up Harry chin so they were eye-to-eye. "You're still here. You may have given up once, but you haven't since."
"But I'm afraid, Remus! I don't know if I can do it-I don't know if I *can* face all this, face what I've become. Do you know how much it hurts-to see Draco's love for me in his eyes, or to feel Hermione's friendship for me, and to not be able to feel a thing in return? Even you, Remus, you who only loves me like a father or uncle, even your love scares me. Where is the strength in *that*?"
"There is no one definition of what makes a strong person, Harry. You acknowledge what you can and cannot feel, while also acknowledging the validity of the feelings other people have for you. You're not hiding, or trying to push us all away, or something similar. Maybe that's what strength is for you right now. Maybe it will change one day, maybe not. But you're facing it all the same.
"I can't tell you that you are or aren't a strong person. Only you can tell yourself that-and only you can act on it. What I can tell you, though, is that I care about you, as do so many other people, and we will help however we can."
Harry pulled away from Remus. "I...you've given me a lot to think about," he said slowly.
"Well, while you're thinking, how does dinner sound?"
Harry looked up at Remus and gave him a small smile. "Dinner sounds lovely to me."
**********
Once he realized he was awake, he slowly eased himself back onto the pillow, taking deep, slow breaths, trying to create a sense of calm. 'Another nightmare...I had hoped that they'd stop once I left, but, really, why should I be so lucky?'
There was soft knock at the door, then it opened, Remus' head peeking into the room. "Harry?" he asked softly.
"Yeah...I'm awake."
Remus paused, hearing something in Harry's voice that he didn't like. Soundlessly, he entered the room and sat down on Harry's bed. "Care to talk about it?"
"It's nothing, really. Just these bloody nightmares again." Harry let out an exasperated sigh. "It's bad enough I lived through it all-does my mind *really* have to make me see it all again while I sleep?"
Remus ran his hand through Harry's hair comfortingly. "It's not unusual. I still dream of things that happened long ago. What you dream of...it was all so recent. Sometimes, time really is the best palliative."
"It's not only that. I have...other dreams, too."
"Other dreams?" Remus waited for Harry to respond. When no response was forthcoming, though.... "Is there something else bothering you?"
"Yeah. Me."
"Care to...elaborate on that?"
"I'm just thinking about who I am." Harry looked up at the ceiling. "I took a coward's way out. I have to admit that, now."
Remus frowned. "I hope you're not looking for me to condone your suicide attempt, Harry, because-"
"No, that's not it at all!" Harry paused for a second, gathering his thoughts. "I...I've just realized how many people I'd have hurt if I had succeeded. The Headmaster, Hagrid-all of the staff, even Professor Snape. Draco, Neville. You-if you had woken up, only to find that I was gone as well...I don't want to think about that."
Remus shivered. "Neither do I."
"That's not all. Look at Ron. He lost two brothers, and very nearly lost his sister when Hogwarts was attacked. Hermione's father was paralyzed when Voldemort destroyed their house. Draco had to kill his own father, so many other students lost friends and loved ones...and none of them were out trying to off themselves."
"Harry." Remus was at a loss for words. "Everyone has seen horrors, I will not deny that. And everyone has dealt with his or her emotions differently. Ron started lashing out, Draco became obsessive with protecting people-not just you, but all those he cares about. I withdrew. We all react in different ways. Granted, you chose a rather extreme method, but I don't think you wanted to kill *yourself*--just the feelings."
"Remus, I don't know what I'm all about anymore. I'm not sure what prompted me to make that decision-any decision, for that matter. Who knows-maybe if I'd been patient for awhile longer, it would've all blown over with time. Sometimes I hate myself, Remus-I just feel trapped into a series of events over which I have no control anymore." He buried his face in his hands. "I wish that I had never tried to kill myself."
Remus pulled Harry into a hug. "I wish the same thing," he whispered into Harry's hair. "It hurts me, to see the pain you've been enduring. But you're strong, Harry. You'll get through this."
"If I were strong, would I have tried to kill myself in the first place?"
"Harry...I can't give you the answers you're looking for. No one can. The fact that you're looking, though...gives me joy. And sometimes...sometimes we don't know how strong we are, until we're forced to face it. Do you want my opinion?"
Harry nodded. "Well, I think that you made the initial decision under a great deal of stress. You hadn't allowed yourself to grieve, and you were trying to take on everyone else's pain. But since then.... There's a lot you have to face yet, and you know. And instead of taking the same route out again, you're trying to face up to those struggles. That is why I think you're strong, Harry. Don't you understand?"
Remus tilted up Harry chin so they were eye-to-eye. "You're still here. You may have given up once, but you haven't since."
"But I'm afraid, Remus! I don't know if I can do it-I don't know if I *can* face all this, face what I've become. Do you know how much it hurts-to see Draco's love for me in his eyes, or to feel Hermione's friendship for me, and to not be able to feel a thing in return? Even you, Remus, you who only loves me like a father or uncle, even your love scares me. Where is the strength in *that*?"
"There is no one definition of what makes a strong person, Harry. You acknowledge what you can and cannot feel, while also acknowledging the validity of the feelings other people have for you. You're not hiding, or trying to push us all away, or something similar. Maybe that's what strength is for you right now. Maybe it will change one day, maybe not. But you're facing it all the same.
"I can't tell you that you are or aren't a strong person. Only you can tell yourself that-and only you can act on it. What I can tell you, though, is that I care about you, as do so many other people, and we will help however we can."
Harry pulled away from Remus. "I...you've given me a lot to think about," he said slowly.
"Well, while you're thinking, how does dinner sound?"
Harry looked up at Remus and gave him a small smile. "Dinner sounds lovely to me."
**********