As the days passed, Draco wasn't sure what to think anymore.
Sometimes, Harry would seem like he was recovering. His actions were more subdued, and he didn't smile much, but he responded to people, reached out for help, and didn't try to avoid everything.
However, there were times where Harry just...shut down. Seemed to curl up inside of himself, and nothing Draco did or said had any affect on Harry. Finally, after watching Harry gaze out the window, ignoring Draco entirely, Draco brought his concerns to Remus.
Remus looked thoughtful. "I can understand why you're worried, Draco, but, think about it. He's recovering from a lot, and sometimes, you just need to think, to be by yourself. I'm sure that he's not trying to hurt you."
Even as he tried to appease Draco's fears, Remus couldn't quite help worrying some himself. True, Harry had assured him that he had no intentions of trying to kill himself again, but Remus knew that the situation that Harry had come out of wasn't so easy to be rid of. How often had he himself sat and shut out the world, while wondering if his life was worth living? Yes, the situations were different-Remus trapped by a werewolf's curse, and Harry trapped by his inner demons-but the feelings were still very much real.
He went into the living room and gazed at the boy. 'Harry...you're all I have left now. I'd give anything and everything to defeat this for you...but I know this is a battle that you'll have to fight yourself. If only I knew what was going on inside your head...maybe....'
**********
-
Harry heard what was going on around him-he just didn't care. As much as he wanted to, he just...couldn't. Every time he tired to respond to Remus' concern or Draco's compassion, something inside him froze. It took him some time, but he had finally identified that feeling. Fear.
'Why should I be afraid?' he wondered as he watched the sunset. Ignoring the more...romantic feelings Draco has for me at the moment, I shouldn't be reacting this way to *Remus* of all people. He just wants to be a father to me.'
Harry froze. 'A father....' Sirius had been as a father to him, and he was gone now. So many of the people that he had cared for in his life were either gone or hurt-and it all had centered in a twisted way around him. 'Is this why I'm afraid...?'
He felt Draco and Remus beside him. "Will you go away, too?"
Draco jumped. Masking his fright, he asked, "What do you mean, Harry?"
"The people I care about go away from me, either physically or emotionally. Is that why I'm so afraid to care for the both of you?"
Draco was at a loss for words. Remus stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the boy he was beginning to view as his own son.
"We can't make promises, Harry. Life is an uncertain thing, even with Voldemort gone. I can tell you, though, that I will never go of my own free will." Remus paused. "Is that what you think? That people *want* to leave you?"
Harry sighed. "I really don't know. If I knew...I'd be able to fix it." He suddenly growled, frustrated. "I can't stand this!" he shouted abruptly, standing. "I'm tired of not knowing how or what I feel, I'm tired of not knowing what's wrong, and I'm tired of the fact that I'm causing the both of you pain when that's the *last* thing that I want to do!" He collapsed to his knees. "Make it go," he whispered to himself. "Make it go away...."
"Oh, love." Draco sank down next to him, wrapped his arms around the trembling form. "I wish it were that simple."
Harry let out a heartbreaking cry. "I want to love you, Draco...I really do. Some days, I feel so close to it...and then I shut down. I don't know how to break through it-I want to give you what you want, but I can't."
Draco stiffened. "We need to get one thing straight right now, Harry-I would like you to love me back, yes. But what I *want*, more than anything, is for you to become your old self again, or, at least, as close to it as possible. If you've been trying to force yourself to love me, because you think it's what I want from you, or because you think you owe me something, or something like that, *stop*. I don't want you hurting yourself, Harry, and certainly not over me."
Harry collapsed back into Draco. "You really mean that?" he sniffed.
"Of course I do. Harry, your happiness is what's important to me. If you don't love me, but are happy, that's fine with me. If you love me and are happy, that's fine with me, too. If you decided to live the rest of your life as a Muggle and *that's* what makes you happy, then go for it. Bottom line-live for yourself. I know you've had a lot placed on your shoulders, but that's in the past now. It's time for you to live your own life, not what others want for you."
"I'm not sure I know how. I've spent nearly seventeen years having almost everything decided for me."
"That's what we're here for, myself, Remus, Hermione, Neville, Ron...all of us. We'll help you along the way, but it's *you* that has to take those first steps."
Harry looked at Draco with large, wet eyes. "Do you really think I can do it?"
"I won't lie to you, Harry-it might be hard. But I have no doubt that once you decide to go for it, nothing can stop you." Draco's gaze bore into Harry's. "*Live*," he said, softly but intensely. "Live and feel. Not for me, not for Remus or anyone else, but for *yourself*."
Harry didn't speak, but Draco saw a light in Harry's eyes, a light he hadn't seen in ages. For the first time since everything had started, he began to feel better...about everything.
Nearby, Remus smiled on the scene. 'Good for you, Draco. You've done what I couldn't. Maybe I'll get my Harry back, after all.'
**********
Sometimes, Harry would seem like he was recovering. His actions were more subdued, and he didn't smile much, but he responded to people, reached out for help, and didn't try to avoid everything.
However, there were times where Harry just...shut down. Seemed to curl up inside of himself, and nothing Draco did or said had any affect on Harry. Finally, after watching Harry gaze out the window, ignoring Draco entirely, Draco brought his concerns to Remus.
Remus looked thoughtful. "I can understand why you're worried, Draco, but, think about it. He's recovering from a lot, and sometimes, you just need to think, to be by yourself. I'm sure that he's not trying to hurt you."
Even as he tried to appease Draco's fears, Remus couldn't quite help worrying some himself. True, Harry had assured him that he had no intentions of trying to kill himself again, but Remus knew that the situation that Harry had come out of wasn't so easy to be rid of. How often had he himself sat and shut out the world, while wondering if his life was worth living? Yes, the situations were different-Remus trapped by a werewolf's curse, and Harry trapped by his inner demons-but the feelings were still very much real.
He went into the living room and gazed at the boy. 'Harry...you're all I have left now. I'd give anything and everything to defeat this for you...but I know this is a battle that you'll have to fight yourself. If only I knew what was going on inside your head...maybe....'
**********
-
Harry heard what was going on around him-he just didn't care. As much as he wanted to, he just...couldn't. Every time he tired to respond to Remus' concern or Draco's compassion, something inside him froze. It took him some time, but he had finally identified that feeling. Fear.
'Why should I be afraid?' he wondered as he watched the sunset. Ignoring the more...romantic feelings Draco has for me at the moment, I shouldn't be reacting this way to *Remus* of all people. He just wants to be a father to me.'
Harry froze. 'A father....' Sirius had been as a father to him, and he was gone now. So many of the people that he had cared for in his life were either gone or hurt-and it all had centered in a twisted way around him. 'Is this why I'm afraid...?'
He felt Draco and Remus beside him. "Will you go away, too?"
Draco jumped. Masking his fright, he asked, "What do you mean, Harry?"
"The people I care about go away from me, either physically or emotionally. Is that why I'm so afraid to care for the both of you?"
Draco was at a loss for words. Remus stepped forward and wrapped his arms around the boy he was beginning to view as his own son.
"We can't make promises, Harry. Life is an uncertain thing, even with Voldemort gone. I can tell you, though, that I will never go of my own free will." Remus paused. "Is that what you think? That people *want* to leave you?"
Harry sighed. "I really don't know. If I knew...I'd be able to fix it." He suddenly growled, frustrated. "I can't stand this!" he shouted abruptly, standing. "I'm tired of not knowing how or what I feel, I'm tired of not knowing what's wrong, and I'm tired of the fact that I'm causing the both of you pain when that's the *last* thing that I want to do!" He collapsed to his knees. "Make it go," he whispered to himself. "Make it go away...."
"Oh, love." Draco sank down next to him, wrapped his arms around the trembling form. "I wish it were that simple."
Harry let out a heartbreaking cry. "I want to love you, Draco...I really do. Some days, I feel so close to it...and then I shut down. I don't know how to break through it-I want to give you what you want, but I can't."
Draco stiffened. "We need to get one thing straight right now, Harry-I would like you to love me back, yes. But what I *want*, more than anything, is for you to become your old self again, or, at least, as close to it as possible. If you've been trying to force yourself to love me, because you think it's what I want from you, or because you think you owe me something, or something like that, *stop*. I don't want you hurting yourself, Harry, and certainly not over me."
Harry collapsed back into Draco. "You really mean that?" he sniffed.
"Of course I do. Harry, your happiness is what's important to me. If you don't love me, but are happy, that's fine with me. If you love me and are happy, that's fine with me, too. If you decided to live the rest of your life as a Muggle and *that's* what makes you happy, then go for it. Bottom line-live for yourself. I know you've had a lot placed on your shoulders, but that's in the past now. It's time for you to live your own life, not what others want for you."
"I'm not sure I know how. I've spent nearly seventeen years having almost everything decided for me."
"That's what we're here for, myself, Remus, Hermione, Neville, Ron...all of us. We'll help you along the way, but it's *you* that has to take those first steps."
Harry looked at Draco with large, wet eyes. "Do you really think I can do it?"
"I won't lie to you, Harry-it might be hard. But I have no doubt that once you decide to go for it, nothing can stop you." Draco's gaze bore into Harry's. "*Live*," he said, softly but intensely. "Live and feel. Not for me, not for Remus or anyone else, but for *yourself*."
Harry didn't speak, but Draco saw a light in Harry's eyes, a light he hadn't seen in ages. For the first time since everything had started, he began to feel better...about everything.
Nearby, Remus smiled on the scene. 'Good for you, Draco. You've done what I couldn't. Maybe I'll get my Harry back, after all.'
**********