It had been spring when he tried to kill himself, Harry reflected one morning, and now summer was here.
He had always thought of spring as a time of rebirth and renewal, but as he felt his spirits lighten with every day, he had to rethink that. Spring might renew the rest of the word, but it was summer that restored *him*.
Twilight had rapidly become his favorite part of the day, and it was not at all unusual to find Harry somewhere outside, gazing at the sky. His wish still hadn't come true, but he repeated it every night, taking they way he was starting to feel happier as a positive sign.
Harry's recovery was having a positive effect on those around him, as well. Draco's eyes seemed to shine with a light all their own, and Remus' face became less drawn and weary. Every day, the two would watch the changes in Harry and give thanks to whatever higher power that was responsible for this.
It wasn't all smooth going, though. Harry still found himself having trouble sleeping through the night, the nightmares still plaguing him, but he had gradually learned to separate the images in his dreams form the reality and his own self-image. He would still become wistful, or cry for no apparent reason, releasing the demons still inside him in the only way that he knew how.
And he had begun to smile again. It had been a small thing that coaxed out of him what almost everyone had wanted to see for the longest time. Harry had been outside, when a noise in the tress startled him. Whirling, he was ready to defend himself, but instead of some danger, he saw a doe and her fawn standing at the tree line, gazing at him. Harry had stared back, amazed that these animals seemed to have no fear of humans. Rather, the fawn had started to take a few shaking steps toward him. Seeing this, a small smile appeared on Harry's face.
Harry hadn't even known he was smiling, but Remus, who had been watching the whole scene with a smile of his own, did. Beckoning Draco forward, the two watched the proof of Harry's recovery showing clear and rejoiced silently in the fact that Harry had come this far.
Even with these improvements, Harry hadn't been left unscathed by the events of his past. He was quieter now, more given to thinking than talking, a fact that had puzzled Ron at first. He was also more cautious, not taking nearly as many risks as he might have and one time, and he began to put a new emphasis on his studies, improving his grades so dramatically that even Professor Snape had praised his efforts.
Hermione had initially been glad at Harry's newfound desire for learning, but it made even her sad to find that Harry didn't fly anymore.
It had been Ron's idea to bring Harry his broom, remembering how Harry had always loved to be up in the air more than anything else in the world. Harry's face had lit up initially as he was handed his Firebolt, but that expression changed to something unreadable as he took to the air. After flying for a bit, he landed and handed Ron the broom, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry, Ron," he said, voice echoing his words, "but it doesn't work for me, anymore, the flying."
Ron stared at him, somewhere between shocked and appalled. "Not working? But Harry, you *love* to fly!"
Harry shook his head. "Not anymore." His tone demanded no argument. "You keep the broom, Ron-you'd like it more than me."
Ron hadn't argued with Harry about the flying, but he had refused the broom, too. He had hopes that Harry would recapture that part of himself one day, and when he did, he'd need that broom.
Harry was having a better time with emotions, though. It took a long time, but he had finally become able to accept and appreciate the love and friendship that others had for him. Touching wasn't such a hit-or-miss thing anymore, and not too long ago, harry had been able to greet his friends with feelings of friendship of his own.
He was still unable to love, though. The closest he had been able to come was a filial affection for Remus, but the thought of deeper emotions...frightened him. He'd look at Draco, and remember the words that Draco had said to him, remember the feelings that Draco had expressed for him, and feel like running and hiding from the intensity.
At the same time, Draco hadn't made his love for Harry apparent for awhile now, and Harry had begun to wonder if Draco hadn't gotten over him. While part of Harry was in a way relieved-there was no reason that someone as good and kind and beautiful as Draco should wait around for someone who might never be whole again-at the same time, Harry was also strangely saddened by this seeming loss. He could never think about that, though, for every time he tried, something scared him away, as if there was a discovery waiting for him that he wasn't prepared to know yet.
Harry blinked as rays of light pierced into his eyes. Looking at his watch, he realized that he had spent almost half the day in thought. Shaking his head, he stood and made his way out of his room. He knew that Remus and Draco still tended to get worried if he disappeared for too long, and Harry had no desire to worry anyone.
Even if he couldn't love, he still cared about others' feelings.
Draco wasn't in sight when Harry walked into the den, but Remus was, reading a book. Upon hearing Harry, he looked up and smiled. "Everything alright?"
Harry gave him a gentle smile. "Getting closer every day.
**********
He had always thought of spring as a time of rebirth and renewal, but as he felt his spirits lighten with every day, he had to rethink that. Spring might renew the rest of the word, but it was summer that restored *him*.
Twilight had rapidly become his favorite part of the day, and it was not at all unusual to find Harry somewhere outside, gazing at the sky. His wish still hadn't come true, but he repeated it every night, taking they way he was starting to feel happier as a positive sign.
Harry's recovery was having a positive effect on those around him, as well. Draco's eyes seemed to shine with a light all their own, and Remus' face became less drawn and weary. Every day, the two would watch the changes in Harry and give thanks to whatever higher power that was responsible for this.
It wasn't all smooth going, though. Harry still found himself having trouble sleeping through the night, the nightmares still plaguing him, but he had gradually learned to separate the images in his dreams form the reality and his own self-image. He would still become wistful, or cry for no apparent reason, releasing the demons still inside him in the only way that he knew how.
And he had begun to smile again. It had been a small thing that coaxed out of him what almost everyone had wanted to see for the longest time. Harry had been outside, when a noise in the tress startled him. Whirling, he was ready to defend himself, but instead of some danger, he saw a doe and her fawn standing at the tree line, gazing at him. Harry had stared back, amazed that these animals seemed to have no fear of humans. Rather, the fawn had started to take a few shaking steps toward him. Seeing this, a small smile appeared on Harry's face.
Harry hadn't even known he was smiling, but Remus, who had been watching the whole scene with a smile of his own, did. Beckoning Draco forward, the two watched the proof of Harry's recovery showing clear and rejoiced silently in the fact that Harry had come this far.
Even with these improvements, Harry hadn't been left unscathed by the events of his past. He was quieter now, more given to thinking than talking, a fact that had puzzled Ron at first. He was also more cautious, not taking nearly as many risks as he might have and one time, and he began to put a new emphasis on his studies, improving his grades so dramatically that even Professor Snape had praised his efforts.
Hermione had initially been glad at Harry's newfound desire for learning, but it made even her sad to find that Harry didn't fly anymore.
It had been Ron's idea to bring Harry his broom, remembering how Harry had always loved to be up in the air more than anything else in the world. Harry's face had lit up initially as he was handed his Firebolt, but that expression changed to something unreadable as he took to the air. After flying for a bit, he landed and handed Ron the broom, shaking his head.
"I'm sorry, Ron," he said, voice echoing his words, "but it doesn't work for me, anymore, the flying."
Ron stared at him, somewhere between shocked and appalled. "Not working? But Harry, you *love* to fly!"
Harry shook his head. "Not anymore." His tone demanded no argument. "You keep the broom, Ron-you'd like it more than me."
Ron hadn't argued with Harry about the flying, but he had refused the broom, too. He had hopes that Harry would recapture that part of himself one day, and when he did, he'd need that broom.
Harry was having a better time with emotions, though. It took a long time, but he had finally become able to accept and appreciate the love and friendship that others had for him. Touching wasn't such a hit-or-miss thing anymore, and not too long ago, harry had been able to greet his friends with feelings of friendship of his own.
He was still unable to love, though. The closest he had been able to come was a filial affection for Remus, but the thought of deeper emotions...frightened him. He'd look at Draco, and remember the words that Draco had said to him, remember the feelings that Draco had expressed for him, and feel like running and hiding from the intensity.
At the same time, Draco hadn't made his love for Harry apparent for awhile now, and Harry had begun to wonder if Draco hadn't gotten over him. While part of Harry was in a way relieved-there was no reason that someone as good and kind and beautiful as Draco should wait around for someone who might never be whole again-at the same time, Harry was also strangely saddened by this seeming loss. He could never think about that, though, for every time he tried, something scared him away, as if there was a discovery waiting for him that he wasn't prepared to know yet.
Harry blinked as rays of light pierced into his eyes. Looking at his watch, he realized that he had spent almost half the day in thought. Shaking his head, he stood and made his way out of his room. He knew that Remus and Draco still tended to get worried if he disappeared for too long, and Harry had no desire to worry anyone.
Even if he couldn't love, he still cared about others' feelings.
Draco wasn't in sight when Harry walked into the den, but Remus was, reading a book. Upon hearing Harry, he looked up and smiled. "Everything alright?"
Harry gave him a gentle smile. "Getting closer every day.
**********