Author's Note: This will hopefully be the last chapter with so much dialogue in it. In other words, I am hoping Nick will get to the root of his issues and move on! Or at least start to. Thanks to everyone who reviewed my last chapter – what a way to ring in the New Year! And I have to give special thanks to Franny, whose comments are so nice, and they always crack me up. So thank you! The lyrics that appear later are from the song "Scream" by Mindy McCready. Unless you have been living under a rock, you know that I don't own the characters, nor do I make any profit from this.
* * *
The Emergency Room was the usual hubbub of activity as people rushed around trying to do eight different things at once. The atmosphere was one of controlled chaos. The doctors and nurses all know exactly where they are supposed to be at any given time, but to the untrained eye it looks like they are wandering around aimlessly, lost in a sea of humanity. In the waiting room, the loved ones were herded together to await news of the ones who had been injured. Nick was reminded of the cattle ranches back in Texas. Just like the cattle were rounded up and guided into the pen, so too were the families rounded up and directed into the waiting room. Nick couldn't sit still as he waited for news on Greg's condition. He wandered over to the vending machines and got some sort of brown sludge that they were trying to pass for coffee. He drank it without even tasting it. Somehow, in the last few minutes, three months worth of exhaustion had caught up with him. This day seemed interminably long. Had it really been only twelve hours since the nightmare had started? It seemed like ages ago that he had walked out of CSI headquarters. That thought reminded him that he needed to call the rest of the team. He put a quarter in the pay phone and punched the familiar numbers. When Grissom answered Nick gave no details of what had happened; he only said that Greg had sustained a head injury and was in the hospital. Grissom, to his credit, didn't pry for answers over the phone. He simply told Nick to wait there and that he would be there as soon as he could. Nick hung up with Grissom, inserted another coin and then dialed Brass' number. He got Brass' voice mail, so he left a brief message explaining what had happened, and asked for Brass to meet him in the ER. Nick was surprised that he was able to function at all. He was drained, both physically and emotionally. He felt like he was running on a carousel: he never seemed to move forward anymore. He was stuck going around and around without ever finding any sense of comfort. He had had the presence of mind to ask the ER nurses to preserve the clothes Greg had been wearing; they were now evidence. They would need to be tested to confirm Greg's suspicions. Between the blood and Father Manilla's testimony, they should have enough evidence to issue a warrant for Ray Jacobs's arrest. It was only then that Nick noticed that Father Manilla was nowhere to be seen. He had excused himself to make a phone call once Greg had been whisked away into the jungle of the ER, but Nick hadn't seen the priest since. He walked around the hallways, not wanting to stray too far from the waiting room in case the doctor came back. He asked if the nurses had seen him, but no one remembered seeing the priest leave. Nick didn't have time to think about what to do because the doctor chose that moment to come and find him.
"Nick Stokes? I'm Doctor Douglas." The older woman extended her hand and Nick shook it briefly.
"Is he OK? How bad is it?"
The doctor laid a reassuring hand on his arm and smiled. Oh, that was a good sign, Nick thought. "Your friend is just fine. He sustained a mild concussion, but the wound is not deep and there should be no further problems. Other than that, he is in very good health".
Nick let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. "Oh thank God. What about his losing consciousness? The man who was with us checked his pulse and said that Greg needed a hospital immediately".
Dr. Douglas consulted her chart and shook her head. "The tests returned
normal. The loss of consciousness is a result of the concussion. Your friend's
pulse was normal when we checked it. I suspect that the man you were with
simply panicked and overreacted. It is still a good thing that Greg came here."
"Can I see him?" Nick knew he sounded anxious but he couldn't help it.
"Of course. I am going to send him upstairs and keep him overnight for observation, but I don't see any reason why he can't go home in the morning. He'll be on the third floor. You can go up shortly."
Nick shook her hand again as she disappeared back into the wilds of the sick and injured. He was relieved to hear that Greg was going to be alright. Now if only he could find Father Manilla….
"Nick!" A familiar voice pierced his thoughts. He looked up to see Grissom rushing towards him. Sara was right behind him.
"How's Greg?" Grissom looked worried. Nick had been so cryptic on the phone that Grissom had expected the worst. He had wanted to bring the whole team with him, but Catherine was following up on a lead regarding the handwriting on the note, and Warrick was still trying to get an ID on the second body. They had promised Grissom that they would come as soon as they could.
"I'm just on my way up to see him" Nick replied. "The doc thinks that it is best to keep him overnight, but he's fine."
Together the three of them made their way towards the elevators that would take them up to see Greg.
"Nick, what the hell happened?" Sara's voice was low and concerned. It wasn't like Nick to be so tight-lipped about something like this.
Nick relayed the story to them on their way up the elevator and as they
made their way to the wing where Greg would spend the night. He told them about
Father Manilla, the history of the church, the blood and what the priest had
said. He finished by recounting the details of how the church had served
Pandarus Point. He looked tired. Sara and Grissom let him tell his story
without interruptions. When he finished, Grissom merely asked:
"Have you told Brass?"
That was it. No "How are you handling this?", no "Oh my God. I am so glad you two are ok.", not even a "Don't worry. We'll get him". There was none of that. Nick felt like he had been punched in the stomach. He thought Grissom wanted to talk to him as a friend. Well, it seemed now that Grissom was more concerned with acting like his boss. Nick shook his head in disgust and walked away.
Grissom looked at Sara, stunned. This was the second time in a day that Nick had walked off on him. "What's the problem now?"
Sara stared at him. He didn't have a clue. "Grissom, would it have killed you to ask Nick how he was doing? I know the case is important and that this is big news, but think about how it must be affecting Nick. No wonder he thinks you don't understand him." Her voice was kind as she spoke.
"It's just that….I don't know what to say to him Sara. I can't make things better by talking to him about it."
"I know you can't. No one can. But it's what he needs right now, so you have got to make a little effort. Otherwise, we may lose him"
Grissom looked surprised. "Do you think he'd quit?"
"Would you blame him?" With that, Sara quietly turned and went off in the direction Nick had gone. She walked away not to hurt him, but to give him time to think. Her words struck a chord within him. He realized he wouldn't blame Nick at all if he quit. Grissom was finally able to step outside of himself and see that he had been neglecting his team mate. He was always quick to discuss a case with Nick, but he never took the time to discuss how Nick was doing. He went to the door of Greg's room.
Greg was propped up in bed. His face was pale, and the ugly purple bruise stood out in stark contrast to his white skin. There were still traces of blood on his skin and in his hair, but all in all he looked pretty good. He was talking to Nick and Sara, presumably about the case. Grissom hung back, afraid to intrude. He felt very old and out of place all of a sudden. Greg looked up and saw him there. He grinned.
"Hey Grissom, come and join the party. How come you won't come into my hospital room without an invite, but you have no problem bursting through the door of my lab?"
Grissom laughed. "I felt like the old guy who doesn't quite belong." Brass appeared in the doorway, which caused Grissom to add: "Well at least now there are two of us here. I don't feel so old now that Jim is here".
"Funny. I'll remember that the next time you need something. Listen, Nick, I know it's late, but I'd like to get your statement from you now. I can get Greg's in the morning."
Nick looked worried. "There's one small problem. The priest I told you about? The one with all the information? I kinda lost him".
"What?!" Everyone in the room looked at Nick. He blushed slightly at the sudden attention.
"He went to make a phone call while Greg was in the ER but I haven't seen him since. I asked around but no one's seen him".
Brass swore. They needed the priest's statement if they wanted a warrant. "That's alright. I'll get my men to search the hospital. I've already got a team heading out to the church. Come with me; this will only take a few minutes." Nick was reluctant to leave Greg's side but knew that there was no choice. He promised to be right back and followed Brass out the door. Once he left, Grissom took over the vacant seat. He sat down and looked at Greg's face closely, as if to reassure himself that the young man was truly fine. Greg looked back at him, a sad sort of expression on his face.
"You need to talk to him." was all he said.
Grissom abruptly looked away. He was tired of everyone telling him that he needed to talk to Nick. He knew that. He also knew that he was putting it off. He had no idea what to say, and that scared him. He was used to being in control and knowing exactly what to say or do under difficult circumstances. Now, he was being forced into a situation with no backup. It felt like he was walking a tightrope without a net. One wrong move and he would fall. And when he landed, it would hurt. If he couldn't get through to Nick, then there was a good chance that Nick would leave. That just couldn't happen. He looked at Greg and Sara, who were watching him expectantly.
"As soon as he is done giving his statement to Brass I will talk to him" He tried to sound like he wasn't scared out of his mind. His friends saw through it in an instant. It is like a drunken person who tries very hard to act sober, but ends up giving away how inebriated they really are. He was trying to act calm, but both Greg and Sara saw that he was very nervous. They couldn't really blame him. He was a very private person and he wasn't used to having to deal with the emotional problems of his team mates. But sometimes we have to do the very things that we think we are ill-equipped to do. We have to plunge into situations head first and pray that we don't drown. Grissom felt like he was standing on the boat, poised to jump. When Nick came back a few minutes later, Greg gave him a slight nod. Grissom took a deep breath and stood up.
"Nick? I'd like to talk to you." He hoped his voice wasn't shaking.
Nick gave him a hard look and crossed his arms. "So talk."
"I mean, somewhere private." Grissom had to bite back anger. Nick was just being belligerent.
"You know, I really have to stay here with Greg". Nick would never admit it, but he was just as afraid as Grissom was. It was Greg who spoke next.
"Nick, man, I'm fine. Sara will stay with me, and if you deprive me of time alone with her, well I will never forgive you. This is as close as I am ever going to be to having her in bed with me, and I don't want to spoil it by having you hanging over my shoulder." Greg was grinning, but he was giving Nick a look. It told him to stop procrastinating and just get the talk with Grissom over with. Sara was laughing at Greg's comments as she playfully pushed the two men out the door, and shut it behind them for emphasis.
Grissom motioned for Nick to follow him. "Come on Nick. Let's talk".
* * *
So tired of walking 'round, draggin' this ghost
I can't escape the constant weight that wears on my bones
Too strong to rub it out; it's stuck like a stain
A permanent reminder – driving me insane
* * *
They walked until they found an empty stairwell a couple of floors down. It looked like it hadn't been used in some time, and it seemed like it was an ok place to have a conversation. Nick didn't know if he was supposed to start talking. Should he apologize? Or maybe he should start from the beginning? Before he could figure it out, Grissom spoke.
"I'm sorry".
Well that wasn't what he had been expecting. He looked up. "Excuse me?"
"You heard me. I'm sorry. I have been completely insensitive towards you lately. I have been so busy acting like your boss that I forgot to be your friend. And it wasn't until today that I realized how much you need friends right now. I had no right to attack you like that at the lab, but more importantly, I am apologizing for three months worth of neglect. I haven't been there for you."
"It's not just you. It's everyone. I just feel like you guys aren't as concerned. I don't need you to hover over me, but it would be nice for people to try and show me a little compassion." He paused and stared into Grissom's hurt eyes. He continued. "That's what I would have been saying if I hadn't talked to Greg earlier. I was so ready to blame you and everyone else for my problems. But Greg made me realize that I have not been exactly forthcoming with my emotions. I have been bottling everything up, and then wondering why no one knows what's wrong. You haven't neglected my feelings Grissom; I have been hiding them. I should be apologizing to you. I shouldn't have spoken to you the way I did. I brought the majority of the problem on myself.
Grissom was shaking his head. "How can you say that? I am the one who didn't notice how troubled you are"
"How could you? I have been coming into work trying to pretend that everything is just dandy. And then when you guys do ask how I'm doing, I tell you I'm fine. No wonder you haven't noticed my problems."
Grissom smiled sadly. "How about we agree that we both messed up? Maybe we should start over."
Nick returned the smile. "I like the sound of that. You want to start?"
Grissom nodded. This was the tough stuff. "So how are you? I mean, how are you really doing? How do you feel?"
"Like I want to die". The words slipped out so fast that Nick wasn't even sure that he had said them. The look on Grissom's face told him that he had indeed spoken the words aloud. He quickly continued.
"Wait, no, that didn't sound right. I am not thinking about dying. I just wish that the pain would go away – permanently. I sometimes think that things might have been better if I had….."
"Stop. Right there. Stop. I don't even want to hear you finish the sentence. You are lucky to be alive. You deserve to be alive. You think things would be better if you weren't? Well think about this then: if you were dead, we would all be in mourning now. Sara, well I thought she was going to die of heartache right there in the hospital when we thought we lost you. Warrick, he would be consumed with guilt. Hell, he still is, even though you're still here. Catherine, she would have had to tell Lindsey that you were dead. Think about what that would do to that little girl. If you had died, well, God only knows how Greg would have handled it. The kid idolizes you Nick. And if you had died, then I would be sitting somewhere wishing that I was dead too. Because I can't bear the thought of losing you. You are one of the best people I know Nicky. So before you start thinking that things would be better if you had died, remember: you wouldn't be in pain, but we would. We would all be lost inside, because we would have lost you. So please Nick, don't ever think that things would be better if that woman had killed you. Because it wouldn't. I guarantee it." His voice broke as he choked on he sudden outpouring of emotion. Nick felt his own eyes burn as tears welled up. He hadn't even thought of that. He had never once considered how hard it would have been on his friends. It was still hard on them. He was not the only one wrestling with his ghosts. Everyone had been touched by what had happened, albeit in different ways. He drew in his breath and looked at Grissom.
"I had never thought of that. I am so sorry. I take that back. You're right; things wouldn't have been better if I had died. But it still hurts. I am still going through some emotional turbulence here. I don't know how to make it go away. I just want it to go –" his voice trailed off as he fought back the tears. Grissom sat down beside him and patted his knee in a very fatherly sort of way.
"I don't know how to make the pain go away either Nicky. But I do know that it will get better. You have to have trust in time. Eventually the pain will start to fade. It won't be easy. But you are strong and you are young. You are so busy dwelling on the past that you are forgetting to think about the future. I am not saying to just push everything aside. But take the time everyday to think about what you want to accomplish. Hang onto your dreams Nick, because if you don't, then Rachel will have won. Don't stop dreaming. And one more thing: try every day to think about the good things in your life. There is lots of stuff to complain about, but there is even more stuff to be thankful for. Focus your attention on that. " His voice was very kind and his words were far deeper than anything he had ever said to Nick before. But they made sense. Nick wiped his eyes and vowed that he was going to change his life around. He had been given a second chance at life, and he didn't want to waste it by allowing himself to be consumed by his troubles. He smiled at Grissom.
"Thank you. I needed that. Now, at the risk of sounding like I am changing the subject, can we go see if Brass has managed to track down Father Manilla?"
Grissom laughed. "Sure. And Nick –" the young man turned to face him. "If you ever need to talk, I am always willing to listen."
"Thanks. Now let's go!"
* * *
They found Brass in Greg's room talking to Sara. Both of them looked very serious.
Nick spoke up. "Well? Did you find him?"
Brass shook his head. "We can't find any trace of him. My men have been all over the hospital. He's not here."
"Dammit! Without his statement, we don't have enough evidence to get a warrant - do we?" Nick had a look of desperate hope on his face.
Brass shrugged. "We have your statement; that might be enough. But it's a second-hand account. The judge might not allow for a warrant to be issued."
Greg piped up from his bed. "Um, guys? Not that the case isn't important, but have we stopped to think that Father Manilla may be in danger? I mean, this Ray Jacobs guy knows that Father knows at least part of the story. Father Manilla may be a target." He looked worried. Nick swore under his breath. He hadn't even thought of that. He turned to Brass.
"We need to find him."
Just then, Grissom's pager went off. He looked at it.
"It's Catherine. She must have gotten some information about the note. Sara, you and I should head back to the lab and see what she's found out. Nick, do you want to come?"
Nick looked torn. He wanted to stay with Greg, but he also wanted to work on the case. Greg saw this and quickly settled the issue.
"Look, I am so tired that I am going to fall asleep the minute you all leave. Nick, go with them. There's no point in you wasting your time here when you could be working on the case. You can come back in the morning – mainly because you need to drive me home. So go on. I will be fine".
Nick grinned at his friend's determination. "Alright. But if you need me, call, ok?"
"Yes mom" Everyone laughed at Greg's sarcastic response. Sara, Nick and Grissom followed Brass out of the room. Brass looked at the closed door and lowered his voice.
"I am going to post an officer outside the door – just in case. I don't know where this Jacobs guy is, or how much he knows. I think it is a good idea to have someone keep an eye on the kid until he's released in the morning".
The suggestion made sense and there was no argument from any of the CSI's. They walked out of the hospital and headed back to the lab.
They didn't know it yet, but the case was about to blow wide open.