Chapter Two : A Brassy, Shiny, Poofy Hair Affair
By hold_that_thought (sally@glay.org)
Author's Notes : This takes place pretty much after Normal Again, except for no Spuffy breakup in As You Were, Tara and Willow have patched things up, and Hell's Bell's never happened, so the Scoobs are pretty united. Otherwise we'd have a bunch of angry characters tottering around by themselves, and that's just not fun to watch...er...write.
Disclaimer : blah blah Joss owns them not me-cakes
Dedications : To each and every wonderful member of the M-8, but especially FaithAnne for giving me a great launching pad, and little_bit for not only getting us all organized, but for being great enough to beta. Also, to all the great people at TWoP for giving us encouragement, and especially for reading our crazy stuff.
The Scooby gang stood in front of the house studying the list. Anya was the first to speak.
"Well, first we should figure out who needs what, right? Heterosexuality is easy, that's Willow." Willow beamed and pointed to her "I'm gay now! Ask me how!" button. "Real family would be everyone's favorite glowing green ball of energy. Tara needs her backbone." Anya took a Twinkie and threw it across the lawn. As Xander trotted happily after it, she said, "Xander needs the gym membership. Buffy needs the appetite. Spike is obviously natural hair color."
Xander came back, stuffed the pastry in his mouth, and laughed. "Which makes you balls? I've got your balls right here!" The gang stared at Xander. "Get it? Because I'm a guy. Who's sleeping with Anya."
While the rest of the group rolled their eyes, Tara said, "I think Spike is the one that needs rocks." Spike glowered at her but didn't object. "You're the natural hair color, An."
"Excuse me? This is my natural hair color!"
As the group collapsed into laughter, Willow spoke.
"Anya, your hair has been getting progressively lighter since season...uh, I mean.... 1999. You're only a few steps away from Spike. In fact, NASA just called and asked you to put a hat on, the toxic glow from your head is throwing off the astronauts."
"Oh, you're one to talk. Your hair has gone from brownish red to almost as flaming as Angel!"
"Guys, this is getting us nowhere. Let's just split up and start looking for stuff." Buffy said.
Spike huffed. "Cor, who died and made you...oh. Right."
The gang headed off in different directions, on foot, even though at least one of them probably owned a car.
In the local drugstore, Spike perused the hair dye section, looking for Anya's natural hair color, despite not having seen her during high school. He turned to ask Buffy which brown looked like the closest match when he realized she had disappeared. First he checked to make sure the Legion of Dim wasn't lurking around with another toy, then he headed over to the next aisle.
"Hey, pet, we're supposed to be looking at hair dye, remember?"
"I know, but I needed to pick up a few things while I was here anyway." Buffy said, as she dropped vanilla shampoo, vanilla conditioner, vanilla body lotion, vanilla body powder, vanilla body spray, and vanilla extract into her shopping basket. "Speaking of hair dye, I've always meant to ask you, how do you bleach your hair if you can't use a mirror?"
Just then, Joss Whedon walked by. "Oh shit, they've caught on!" he thought. He whipped out his portable word processor and made a few corrections.
"Hey, pet, we're supposed to be looking at hair dye, remember?"
"I know, but I needed to pick up a few things while I was here anyway" Buffy said, as she dropped vanilla shampoo, vanilla conditioner, vanilla body lotion, vanilla body powder, vanilla body spray, and vanilla extract into her shopping basket. "Speaking of hair dye, I've always meant to ask you...do you think I would look good as a brunette?"
"Buffy, you would look good dressed in Astroturf and covered in mud. You would look good in pastel mini-skirts, big hair, and frosted makeup!"
Buffy laughed. "Well, you obviously didn't see me in season...uh, I mean...1997. Ooh, I should pick up some more strawberry lipbalm for Dawn while I'm here!"
Tara and Dawn were looking through spell books for Follicle Retrieval spells. Suddenly, Dawn screeched "Get out, get out, GET OUT!"
"Goddess, sweetie, what's the matter?" Tara asked.
"Huh? Oh, sorry, habit. What I meant to say was, did you find anything yet?"
"Nope. Although I did find a neat spell that gets blind Russian peasant women circa 1500 to make fugly dresses out of burlap, which means I can finally stop shopping at the Salvation Army."
There was a knock on the door. Willow came from the dining room to answer it. It was the Poland Springs deliveryman with their weekly supply of water, all 200 gallons of it. As Willow was in the kitchen putting the water away, she heard a knock at the back door. "Geez, this place is busier then Faith's bedroom tonight" she muttered. She opened the door and saw Clem standing there in a spiffy suit.
"Hello Willow!" Clem boomed. "I was wondering if I could borrow some of your magic weed. I have a date tonight and I wanted to make a nice bouquet."
"Ooh, who's the lucky demon?"
"Sophie!" Willow looked confused. "From Buffy's birthday party? You know, the one who wasn't you, me, Spike, Dawn, Buffy, Anya, Xander, or Tara?"
"Oh, the guy in the red shirt! Clem, you're gay just like me! I'm so happy, let me give you one of my official homosexual rainbow flags for your car. Do you have a car?"
"No, no, Sophie's a girl."
"Oh goddess, I don't remember her at all, I'm sorry."
"That's okay, you know how it is with characters...uh, I mean...people you only see once."
"Well, Tara's in the living room, you can try asking her for the weed."
Clem smiled and left. To occupy herself and keep from thinking about magic, she started to peel potatoes. For some reason, she thought of Riley, and wondered how he was doing.
Across town in one of Sunnydale's many cemeteries, Anya and Xander were still looking for Anya's natural hair color. They had already tried the local beauty parlor, McDonald's, Doublemeat Palace, and Burger King, even though Anya didn't think the last three would have it if a beauty salon didn't.
Suddenly, they saw something brown that looked like a wig lying by a crypt. "Ooh, that must be it!" Anya said. She ran over and was about to pick it up when she let out a blood-curdling shriek and passed out. The rabbit hopped away.
In LA, Cordelia Chase looked out the window. "What the hell was that sound?" she thought as she frowned and closed the window.
"We really have to stop doing this."
"Come on, luv, why stop when it feels so good? You belong here in the dark."
"It's no good for us. And my mouth is starting to hurt."
Buffy did another shot of vodka at the demon bar Spike had dragged her to trying to get some information on whom might have seen Anya's natural hair color.
"Hey, I know I may not have your special Slayer senses, but something about that guy in the corner makes me think he shouldn't have a baby with him."
Buffy looked over and saw an older gentleman holding a baby who was wearing a red sweater with a yellow "C" embroidered on it. She shrugged.
"We don't have time to check out possible kidnappings. It doesn't look like he's going to eat the kid anytime soon, I say we let the authorities figure it out." With that she headed for the door. Spike grabbed his coat and followed.
"You're right. Damn you Scoobs, your namby-pamby do-good crap is rubbing off on me, I'm starting to think about things that aren't even my problem! And was it me, or did that kid have exceedingly stupid, poofy hair?"
Willow was at the dining room table Bedazzling a pair of jeans when Dawn flounced into the room and flopped on the nearest chair, the gleam off her hair temporarily blinding Willow. "How will Bedazzling help us find Anya's natural hair color, or your heterosexuality, or my real family, or any of the items? I don't want the television demon to kill us all."
"Well, Dawnie, when you're a recovering magic addict, sometimes the only things that can keep you from cracking are Bedazzling, drinking water, and lots and lots of gay sex."
Just then, there was a knock on the front door. "Goddess, why do we have so many visitors tonight?" Willow went over to the door and opened it, only to see a dorky looking tall guy standing there.
"Sorry, we don't need any Watchtower magazines, we're Wiccan." she told the nice Jehovah's Witness.
"Willow, it's me."
Once she looked past the Gap clothes and the doofy expression, she realized it was Angel.
"Angel! How are you? Me, I'm gay now."
"I'm fine, but I'm here on a mission. My friend Doyle had a vision about Buffy, so I came to make sure she was okay."
"Uh...that was two years ago. And also, isn't Doyle dead?"
"Right." Angel tried to run his hand through his hair, but it got stuck in all the hair gel. As he struggled to pull it out, he said "What I meant was that I'm here to offer my condolences to Buffy over her mom."
"Last year."
"I came to reunite with Buffy since you guys brought her back to life?"
"Been there. Angel, why are you really here?"
"Fine. I'm here because things in LA are really bad! Cordy's a saint and now she's part-demon, there's this stupid love triangle between Wesley, Gunn, and Fred..."
"I knew it! I knew Wesley was gay! I have to send him a copy of 'So You're Gay, What Next?' !!"
"No, Fred is a girl. And Wolfram and Hart's biggest threat to me recently is some stupid red tape stuff about my hotel, and there's this thing with a baby, and I'm a total, callous, money-grubbing dork, if I hear the word champion one more time I'm going to go on a rampage, and it's all so stupid I can't stand it, so I'm moving back to Sunnydale!"
"You think you've got it bad? I'm 'addicted to magic', Buffy's working fast food, Dawn's stealing, Riley and his wife Mary Su..er, Sam, came back and they were all boring, Buffy went crazy and tried to kill us all, we're fighting a trio of nerds, and I chopped off a penis monster and ground it into mush."
Angel blinked. "Well, Freud would be proud."
"You might as well stay. It's been at least a week since Buffy's questioned the meaning of her life, her future, her Slaying, and all that. And you can help us. A crazy television demon is making us look for various items on a list. Right now most of the gang is looking for Anya's natural hair color. We also need to find my heterosexuality, puffy Xander's gym membership, Dawn's real family, Buffy's appetite, and Spike's balls."
"Drusilla probably still has the last item."
"Ooh, Drusilla's hot! I never realized it before I became gay, but she really is!" Willow sipped some water and went back to her Bedazzling. Angel shook his head. Buffy's friends used to make at least a modicum of sense.
Xander and Anya were still in the cemetery. Between Xander's having to rest every few minutes to catch his breath and their marathon sex sessions at regular intervals, they hadn't made much progress. Anya had picked up a couple of discarded soda cans that had been left around the place since she had learned that they could be traded for money. As she was tucking an empty Coke bottle into her purse, she spotted something dark and furry lying by the path.
"Xander, look! That may be my hair! You go check while I stand back here in case it's something evil, like another bunny."
Xander walked over and squatted down by it. He picked a stick up off the ground and poked the item with it. "Eew, it's a cat! It's a dead cat!" Anya walked over to take a look.
"Oh my god, that's Miss Kitty Fantastico!"
"Who?"
"Don't you remember when Willow and Tara had a kitten?"
"Oh yeah, and then it disappeared like that dog on the Brady Bunch. I always assumed they sacrificed it in a ritual or something."
A rustling sound coming from a copse of trees attracted their attention and they went over to investigate. They saw that Spike had Buffy pinned against a tree, her legs wrapped around his waist, and both were moving rhythmically up and down.
"Hey guys, whatcha doing?" Xander called out.
"Looking...for...appetite..." Buffy panted, not missing a beat.
"Oh, good. We're still looking for Anya's natural hair color."
"I'm coming, I'm coming!" Buffy screamed.
"Oh, no, you don't have to, me and Anya are okay by ourselves!" Xander said.
Anya walked a couple feet away and picked something up off the ground. "This isn't a soda can. This is useless," she said as she chucked it over her shoulder. It hit Xander in the head.
"Hey, hold up An, this is a bleach bottle."
"So? It's probably Spike's. Or maybe a really, really clean demon."
"No, I mean that we should look around for some more, and maybe they'll lead us to your natural hair color."
Willow dumped twelve empty water bottles into the recycling bin and padded into the living room. Tara was still poring over various texts looking to answers. Dawn was edging around the perimeters of the room shoving various objects down her pants whenever she thought no one was looking. She had, after all, promised Buffy she would stop stealing from *stores*. As Dawn headed out of the room, her ass clanking with ashtrays, assorted knickknacks, and a potted plant, Willow quietly said to Tara "Is it me, or is Dawnie putting on weight?"
Tara sighed and closed the book she was looking at. "There is absolutely nothing here."
"Well, I could help if you want.." Suddenly, Willow started breathing heavy. Tara jumped up and poured some water in her mouth. "Thanks, that was close."
As an anvil came out of nowhere and crashed through the coffeetable, Tara wondered if maybe Rack had somehow turned Willow into part-fish, which would explain the heavy breathing while on land and massive consumption of water.
Anya and Xander didn't have to look far for more bleach bottles, because there was a trail of them leading to a crypt on the edge of the graveyard. Anya peeked around the corner and saw two women in cloaks stirring a large cauldron, On the table behind them was a clump of brunette hair that simply had to be Anya's. The crypt was strewn with bottles of bleach and hair dye in various shades of blonde. Xander and Anya walked in.
"All hail, Anya! Hail to thee, Greedy Ex-Demon!" the first woman said.
"All hail, Xander! Hail to thee, Puffy Construction Guy!" said the second one.
"I'm not puffy!" Xander pouted.
"Of course you are honey, don't be silly. Who are you people and what are you doing with my hair?"
"We come from many planes and many dimensions. In this dimension, I answer to Evil Hair Nazi", the first one cooed, "and this is my sister, Evil Fashion Nazi."
"I'm sure you're not evil..." Anya smiled.
"Oh, but we are!" the second one said. "You should see Cordelia Chase's hair now!" The Evil Fashionistas cackled. "We control all your fashion, all your makeup, all your hair!"
"Well, that's nice and extremely creepy, but I need my natural hair back or this demon is going to kill us all."
"You can have it back. For a price."
"Oh no." Xander gulped. "You don't want me to be your queen, do you?"
The women cackled some more. "No, but I see many Hawaiian print pants, mesh shirts, and mullets in your future Xander. And Anya, your future holds much rubber, ass cleavage, and plaid. Perhaps nipple clips. And tell Spike that he's falling out of Biker Barn, making a stop at Foot Locker, and then repeatedly stumbling through the Renaissance Man costume shop. Now take your hair and go!" The Evil Hair Nazi threw the hair at Anya and both the women disappeared.
"Well, I guess we should go tell the gang that it's one down and 6 to go."
"I am NOT puffy!" Xander mumbled as they headed back to the Summers' home.
Up next : "Freeze the Balls Off a Chipped Vampire." by little_bit!
*Notes
- Spike's fashion prediction, Bedazzling, and the lovely image of Buffy clad in Astroturf provided by little_bit!
- NASA gag inspired by FaithAnne!