Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions
Chapter Three: Freeze the Balls Off a Chipped Vampire
By: little_bit (little_bit2ca@yahoo.com)Author's Notes: No balls were hurt during the writing of this chapter. Any resemblance to balls real or otherwise is purely coincidental.
Disclaimers: So, Joss, you're spending a lot of time on that Firefly thing, huh? Are you aware of the weird shit the characters on BtVS have been put through this year? Uh huh. Uh huh. Sure, sure. Yeah. Wait, I never saw that episode. Or that one. Joss, are you sure you're not just reading fanfic? 'Cause I've got to tell you (pulls Joss aside and whispers in a conspiratorial tone, trying to break it to him gently.) Thump. Joss? Joss! Wake up buddy, it isn't that bad. All you need to do is hit Marti over the head with one of her anvils, and we'll all be fine. Why else do you think I write this stuff? What's that? You understand and don't mind? Wow, you're incredible Joss! Thanks for creating all this stuff.
Dedications: To all the other M-8ers, who have oodles of talent and put up with my incessant emails. Big love to hold_that_thought for beta-ing this chapter and for our website (http://www.angelfire.com/apes/omws/). Many thanks to Poly/Aiden for the help with the end of this chapter. And to my colleagues at work, who had no idea what I meant when I asked them to name as many different types of balls as they could. If only they knew. And finally to caerwyn, who named this little group (see, I told you you'd get a shout out!)
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"Well, what now luv?" Spike put his skintight jeans back on for the umpteenth time that night while Buffy searched in the bushes for her panties. There they were. No, wait. Those were the ones she lost last week. Maybe she should just stop wearing them altogether. It would save money.
"How about the water tower? Or maybe the dam? We haven't done it there yet."
Spike gave Buffy one of his quizzical little held tilts. "What are we going to find there?"
"Dunno. Just all the water Willow keeps slinging around the house made me think maybe we should, you know, have some aquatic fun."
"I'm not talking about sex, pet."
"You're not? What else is going on then?"
"Demon, searching for items, avoid end of the world. The usual. Remember? I saw Xander walk by with a dark haired girl, so I'm assuming Anya found her natural hair color. What should we look for next? We're pretty good at the whole heterosexuality thing, maybe we could look for -"
"No. I'm the slayer. I give the orders around here. We're going to look for Xander's gym membership. Then we're going to look for Tara's backbone and Dawn's real family."
"Pet."
"Shut up Spike. What I say goes. That's why the show's named after me. I'm the star. I'm, I'm -"
"Avoiding the real issues here, luv. Let the others find what they need. We should be looking for the things that involve us."
"Meh!" Buffy stormed off in her huffy little manner, peeved by the fact that Spike thought he could tell her what to do. Stupid sexy vampire. Didn't he know he was her whipping boy? No, wait; let's hope he didn't. Couldn't have Spikey realizing that she had his balls in a sling, and had no intention giving them up.
"Buffy! Come on." Spike's superhero like vampire speed abilities allowed him to catch up to the slayer. "The demon said you needed an appetite. You are rather thin luv, borderline gaunt if you must know." Buffy spun around and took a swing, which Spike deftly ducked. "I'm not complaining, it's just maybe you could eat a sandwich once and a while, keep your strength up."
"I eat! I eat all the time! I had a glass of water and two soda crackers yesterday. It's not my fault I have a fast metabolism!"
"Buffy." Oh no, Spike was getting argumentative again. Best let him think he was winning.
"Fine, Spike, I'll eat something. We can go to the mall, enjoy the greasy pleasures of the food court." Spike smirked, as everything the two now said to each other sounded like sexual innuendo. Buffy rolled her eyes. "I so did not mean that in a sexual way. And while we're there, maybe we can get you some balls."
"Hey, no fair."
"Well, it's your item, isn't it? And once we find them, maybe I'll play with them." It was Buffy's turn to smirk at the vampire's sex glazed look. It was all too easy keeping him on that leash.
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"Oh my god! That is the most hideous thing I've ever seen! What exactly is this demon making you do?"
"What?" Willow looked up at Angel, confused. She followed his gaze to Tara's burlap and corset ensemble. "Oh. Don't worry, that's just the way Tara dresses. It's eclectic, no?"
Angel shrugged his hulking broody shoulders, and went back to fixing his hair. Lesbians really weren't his forte. But then again, with the whole "no sex or lose your soul" mumbo-jumbo, women weren't really his thing at all anymore. Where had he put that extra large tub of gel?
"Tara, baby, sweetie, who was on the phone?"
"A-a-a-anya. S-s-sh-she f-f-found h-h-her h-h-hair c-c-color. T-t-they're h-h-heading f-f-or t-th-the M-m-magic B-b-box. A-a-a-anya t-t-thinks m-m-maybe S-s-spike n-n-needs c-cr-crystal b-b-balls."
Willow's eyes went wide at the mention of magic crystal balls. And not just because she was gay. Running into the kitchen, she ripped the 5-gallon bottle off the water cooler, chugging back its contents like a pro at a frat party.
"Spike with crystal balls?" Dawn harrumphed mightily. "I think Buffy woulda broken 'em by now." As Willow was drowning her power issues in overpriced tap water that college age girls without any visible means of support really shouldn't be able to afford, Dawn sneakily tucked one of Willow's weapons grade supercomputer laptops down the front of her pants.
"Dawn, are you insinuating that Buffy would have something to do with Spike's balls?" For some reason Angel continued to fix his hair in front of the hall mirror, despite the fact he had no reflection. Habit, I guess.
"Well, duh, the two have been going at it like bunnies for months now."
Angel stared blankly at Dawn, and chose to ignore her comments, which was the natural reaction. Instead, he fell to the floor in a quivering pile of souled vampire goo and began to cry, howling, "My son! They took my son! Connor! Connor!"
Tara's desperate need to be helpful had her running to Angel's side, right after she made sure Willow hadn't drowned herself. "It's o-okay A-angel, w-wh-whatever it is, w-we'll s-solve it. It's w-what w-we d-do. R-remember the s-song." Tara began to sing for the confused vampire. "The moon to the tide/ I can feel you inside/ I'm under your spell/ Surging like the sea/ Wanting you so helplessly/ I break with every swell/ Lost in ecstasy/ Spread beneath my willow tree/ You make me complete." Tara began to sway to the music, unaware that Angel thought she was coming on to him.
"Tara, I'm flattered, really, but I'm pretty sure sex with a lesbian won't bring my son back."
Tara blushed, realising her mistake. "S-sorry, w-wrong song. It was this one, right? What can't we face if we're together?/ What's in this place that we can't weather?/ Apocalypse, we've all been there/ The same old trip..."
"Uh, Tara? Different network, remember? I wasn't in on that one."
"Oh, r-right. W-well, w-w-where ever your s-son is, I'm s-sure he's f-fine."
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"Please, you have to help me."
"Sure enough, scary creepy deep voiced guy." Xander and Anya had been happily strolling down the street towards the Magic Box, hand in hand, as Anya playfully tossed her natural hair, when a stranger accosted them with a baby. "It's what we do."
"I thought I could do this. But I can't. Just look at him." Creepy guy pointed to the smiling bundle.
"Ah, single father." Anya surmised. "Don't worry, sir, I'm sure you'll do a fine job raising your son alone, and that he won't resent you and try to kill you in your sleep in some horrible fashion when he's a teenager."
"No, you don't understand..."
Xander put on his goofy funny man face, and leaned in to tickle the little bundle of miracle goodness. "Aw, look at the itty-bitty widdle man. Who's your Uncle Xander-wander? Hey, wait, is that a fang? Ouch, ouchy, ouch!"
The baby grinned evilly at Uncle Xander-wander. "He bit me!"
"Yes, he does that a lot," replied creepy guy, holding up his bandaged hands. "It's impossible to do anything with him. And just look at his hair. What am I supposed to do with that?"
"Come on Xander, let's get you to the Magic Box and fix you up. I don't want you using a cut a finger as an excuse not to pleasure me with your hands later on tonight."
"That baby bit me! And is it just me, but isn't he a little young to look so broody?"
"No, wait," creepy guy called after them, to no avail. He stared down at the baby. "Now what am I going to do?"
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"Oh Spike, wouldn't that dress look great on me at the Emmy's?" Buffy had strategically avoided the food court and was wistfully eying a dress in a shop window, oblivious to the fact Sunnydale was the only place on earth where malls conveniently were open all night so that vampires could shop with their girlfriends. Which didn't really matter anyways, because Buffy was so not Spike's girlfriend. Just keep telling yourself that, slim.
"It's right pretty pet, but I'm sure Jennifer Garner wore one exactly like it on Alias last week, so you might -"
The blow came out of nowhere, fast and swift, hitting Spike squarely in the jaw and sending him back against the shop window. "Hey, what was that for?"
"How many time do I have to tell you, don't mention her name! How could you watch her show?"
"Luv, I was only flipping channels, really." Buffy was crying with all the realism the Actor's Studio could muster. Her eyes were as huge as saucers, and her pouty lips quivered.
"Tell me I'm good."
"Sweetheart, you're the best. Screw the people at the Golden Globes. No one kicks ass like you. You're amazing."
"Oh, Spike!" Buffy flung herself at her demon lover, propelling them back into the nearest store, where they proceeded to rut with wild abandon. The people of Sunnydale ignored them.
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"I have various crystal balls, eyeballs, hairballs, phlegm balls, balls of magic twine, and look, your bowling ball." Anya proudly surveyed the stock of the Magic Box. "But no vampire balls. Maybe he needs some sort of sporting equipment?"
"Well, if you ask me, Spike must already spend enough time around medicine balls and exercise balls. Seriously, have you seen his abs? Deadboy Jr. has all these tight ropey muscles that you can probably bounce quarters off of." Xander looked down at his own puffy paunch and sighed. If only he was 30 and not 21, people wouldn't think he had let himself go so quickly after high school.
"We can go to the Sunnydale All-Night Mall!" Anya suggested cheerfully. "We could find some balls for Spike, and some work out gear for you!"
"Yeah, alright. But we're stopping at the Dairy Queen on the way." Xander took his formerly demon but now totally human and therefore not responsible for 1000 years of torture fiancée's hand. "An, why are you wearing that?" They both stared at her tight white blouse paired with a short red, gray, and yellow plaid kilt. "It must be part of the Evil Fashion Nazi's plan!"
"What plan? I've owned this for years."
"But, but, the kilt! The white knee socks. The cute little animal backpack!" Realization struck Xander. "You look exactly like Cordelia, circa season 2….uh, 1998."
Anya fumed at the mention of her podgy paramour's former flame. "That's it buster! No Dairy Queen for you!"
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"Happy now, luv?"
"Oooohhh, yes" Buffy moaned. After their sexfest at Radio Shack, and the Limited, and House of Knives, Buffy had decided she needed to do a little post coital shopping, and had dragged Spike through every trendy store in the mall, paying no heed to her current state of debt or to the threat of a dangerous scavenger hunt demon that had demanded she search for Spike's balls. Which were currently a nice shade of blue, as the past 45 minutes was the longest they had gone without sex for the past six months.
"Luv, what's say we nip into one of the changing rooms and give it another go?" He waggled his brows in what was supposedly a suggestive manner.
"'Kay." Buffy really hadn't taken the whole slayer thing too seriously recently. A little too much layer in the slayer, if you ask me.
Spike vampire-handled Buffy into the nearest store, and got ready to press her flesh up against the nearest surface, when he was distracted by the large TV screens that covered one wall of the store. "Spike, come on. Sex now!"
"Cor, luv, would you look at that! Arsenal won the FA Cup! Bloody hell! If they beat Man U on Wednesday they'll have the Double! Bleedin' bollocksy Gunners. Not gonna happen as long as I'm soddin' alive."
"Spike, A) you're not alive and B) what the hell are you talking about?"
"Football, pet, the one true love of my life. Didn't we already have this conversation? Man U are the bleedin' best sports team in the world! And to think I almost missed this. Too busy shaggin' you to notice footy results, I guess." Spike looked around the store. "Brilliant!" He picked up a Man U jersey and some Kappa training pants. "Time I got back on the bandwagon. Boys need to know the fans love them."
Buffy stood stunned as Spike changed into his new gear in the middle of the store. Of course, this being Sunnydale, no one seemed to mind the naked vampire. Naked vampire good. Vampire in fan gear bad.
"Spike, you look ridiculous. Put your black stuff back on, then take it off so we can have sex."
"Why are you so unsupportive? This is important to me." Spike whined in a very grating and familiar manner that really pissed Buffy off. Wait a minute, it was because he had learned how to do it from her. No fair stealing her bit!
"Spike, stop talking about things that don't interest or involve me in any way. This is my show. You're my vampire sex toy. Do as I say."
"You're a cold little emaciated thing, aren't you? No wonder I don't have any balls – you froze them off!"
"You, you, chippy head!" Buffy didn't know what to do. Spike was talking back to her instead of sexing her up.
"That's all you do, insult me, screw me. Yell, shag. I'm tired of it, slayer. I have feelings too. Vampire feelings, that are just as valid and worthy of comment as your weepy slayer feelings. And you're going to acknowledge them!"
"Am not." Buffy stuck her tongue out at Spike, hoping it would distract him.
"Are too."
"Am not!"
"Are too!"
"Am not, am not, AM NOT!"
"Fine then. I'm just gonna sit here and watch the football. No sex for you."
"Am – wha?" Spike was denying her sex? "Like you could hold out!"
Spike didn't take his eyes off the TV's. "Been around a lot longer than you, slayer. Gone years without it. I can wait."
"But Spikey – " Buffy straddled his lap. He immediately pushed her off.
"No way. I'm cutting you off." Buffy felt the air visibly shift around her. This wasn't happening. Spike, somehow, had his balls back, and was denying her sex. Oh no! Stupid damn football had given Spike his balls back. She couldn't allow that to happen.
"You're talking crazy you silly vampire! Now get up and get in me!" Buffy gave a swift kick to between Spike's legs, knocking two globes free. "Ah ha!" The sprightly sprite-like girl jumped to the ground and reached for them, but Spike was too quick, what with his amazing vampire speed and all that.
"Sorry, Goldilocks, those are mine! Cor blimey bloody sodding Bob's yer uncle!"
"Huh?"
"British expressions."
"Fine, whatever. But where were they? They're supposed to belong to me!"
"I was hiding them."
"Why?"
"You're one scary bitch when you're horny, luv. Tired of having the merchandise bruised." Spike said as he opened the waistband on his sporty Kappa training pants and plopped his bits back in, settling in to watch the match. Buffy couldn't believe how easy it was for Spike to ignore the seething sexual tension between them. She had to do something, fast.
"Spike? Spike. Spike!" Buffy pranced in front of the TVs. Spike shifted to look around her, but made no response. Buffy shimmied. She sashayed. She did a few of those yoga stretches that usually really impressed Spike. All to no avail. The undeniable allure of English Premier League Football had reminded Spike that he had other interests besides wild, mind-blowing sex. And Buffy had to concede defeat. She no longer had Spike's balls in a sling.
"Luv?"
Or maybe not. Buffy slithered up to her supposedly insatiable lover. "What honey?" Sweet talk. Sweet talk was the key to keeping Spike at her beck and call.
"Be a dear and go get me a pint of Guinness. And a pack of crisps. Once the game's over we'll search for something else. That's my girl." Spike gave Buffy a pat on her ass, and slowly began to regain his manhood. Or vampirehood. Whatever.
"Well, uh, okay." As mad as she was to have lost control of her sex toy, Buffy had to admit that at least it meant they were one step closer to defeating the new evil that was plaguing Sunnydale. And of course, she could always get Spike's balls back later. In many enjoyable ways.
Leaving Spike to his manly pursuits, Buffy headed back out into the mall, ready to look for more items. And ran smack dab into Dawn.
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Up next: Chapter Four – "Return of the Big Mac: Buffy Discovers Food" by nongenius!
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