Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions.
Chapter 7: Take My Kid Sister--Please!
by regina welch (raepenguin@yahoo.com)
Spoilers: The story is, as noted at the beginning, set during Season 6, but this chapter does sneak in a few jokes about S7 Buffy/S4 Angel, specifically through Beneath You and Rain of Fire.
Warnings: Character death, marathon gay sex, gratuitously nude Spike, and excessive use of hair gel. Not together. That would be way too predictable.
Feedback: Gratefully accepted. Raepenguin@yahoo.com
Acknowledgments: Thanks to hold_that_thought for not following through on your horrible threats. I suppose I owe you what little shred of sanity I still have. Of course, I also owe you for the loss of a good chunk of the rest of it.
Additional notes: I'm terribly sorry I took so long to get around to writing this. I suck. But my chapter doesn't! Read on. Plus, luckily, we don't have to depend on me for the last chapter.
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a female voice grunted. Oooooh! Oh, yeah, baby, just like that. Oooh! The sound of grunts and moans drifted out from the warehouse into the alley as Giles, Anya, and Xander exited the Bronze.
Anya exclaimed, poking her fiancee in the shoulder, We haven't done it in an abandoned warehouse in almost a week! Xander lurched forward, spilling his last remaining handful of pretzels as he coughed and choked, but he didn't pass out or anything because that would be lame.
While Anya patted a sputtering Xander on the back, Giles squinted through his glasses, then removed them thoughtfully. They were looking a bit worn through, he noted, as he polished them with great ardor, trying to ignore the moaning and grunting sounds still wafting across the alley. He'd have to replace these glasses upon his return to England. He patted his breast pocket, feeling the reassuring shape of his return plane ticket. Yes, this would only be a short guest stint in Sunnydale; soon enough he'd be free to abandon his young charges and let them flounder around on their own without his guidance or ruggedly handsome good looks.
Oh, God! Oh, God! the voice from the warehouse wailed out even louder than before.
Wait a minute, Xander exhaled, still recovering. Does that woman's voice sound familiar to anyone? Giles began polishing his glasses even more furiously than before.
Could it be Buffy? Anya questioned. Maybe Spike is in there helping her remove a wasp's stinger from her ass. That sort of thing can be rather painful and cause a person to moan quite a lot.
Oh, Goddess, Tara! the voice cried.
It's Willow! Xander grinned. Willow and Tara are in there having lesbian sex!
Oh, God, there, yes! Willow screamed.
Giles's thumb pressed through the remaining thin film of glass, polishing a hole clear through his right spectacle lens. He lifted them to examine the damage, then folded the useless eyepiece away in his breast pocket, a wry expression on his face. Yes, now that that's been settled, perhaps we should move on to finding Dawn? I'm quite sure Willow and Tara have no need of us lurking around outside.
Hang on a minute, Anya put her hand up. I think we should listen to what Willow is screaming during her orgasm. Xander's eyes widened in delighted surprise. I think it's telling us something important, she clarified. Aside from that, Willow's orgasms are of no great interest to me. Just listen for a second.
As if on cue, Willow shrieked, Oh, Goddess! Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, Goddess, Tara, yes!
Anya grinned triumphantly. She said Oh, Goddess, oh, God.' She must have gotten her heterosexuality back! Or I guess she's bisexual now. But everyone knows that lesbians are physically incapable of saying God.' They can only say
Excellent detective work, An, Xander congratulated her. She beamed in response.
Giles stared at the pair, baffled. Do tell me there is a reason why Willow's sexual orientation is so terribly important to us.
A very good one, G-man, Xander said, clapping the watcher on the back as the three of them walked out of the alley. See, there was this demon on television, and he sent us on a scavenger hunt...
I got my natural hair color back! Anya piped in. Giles graced her with an affectionate smile.
...so now all that's left to find is Dawn's real family and Tara's backbone, Xander finished. And do you think there'll be free food when this is over, or were those apples a one time thing?
***************
Inside the warehouse, Tara cuddled up at Willow's side. H-hey, Willow? she asked tentatively. I know I agreed to this and everything, and this has been great, but m-maybe we should find a safer place for Round 2? Willow raised an eyebrow in doubt. I just mean, the crime rate in this neighborhood is pretty high, even for Sunnydale, and you know how it is, two lesbians getting with the crazy monkey sex, there's bound to be an accident.
Nah, we're fine here, Willow said dismissively and leaned over to nibble Tara's ear.
Hey, did you notice if there was a fire hydrant outside? Willow pulled back for a second. All that exertion left me feeling a wee bit parched.
**************
You took my son! Angel roared as he pressed the pillow into Whistler's face. Flailing, Whistler managed to reach up and thread his fingers through Angel's heavily gelled hair, gripping him by the sides of the head. Leveraged by his gel-enhanced grip, he flipped up and catapulted over the vampire's head, freeing himself from suffocation and tilting Angel over backward in the process.
Barely pausing as he gasped for breath, Whistler withdrew his hands from Angel's sculpted hair. Rivulets of goo stretched out as he moved his hands away. he cried in disgust, and moved to wipe his hands on his pants, then thought better of it and reached for the discarded pillow.
Angel sat up, seething. You took my son, he growled, and you ruined my hair! He began earnestly primping into his compact mirror covered with a helpful little Post-it note that read Maybe a little more hair gel, and, scrawled at the bottom, Reminder: Don't get a happy with a little smiley face symbol with a slash through it.
As Whistler sauntered away to finally complete his real mission in Sunnydale, he called over his shoulder, You'll be lucky if you never do see your kid again, Angel. That way you'll never have to see him and Cordelia. . . He trailed off as Angel looked up from his mirror, his eyes love-struck and hopeful. Never mind. Thank the Powers, it ain't my problem. Now if you'll excuse me, I got a young woman's life to save. And he disappeared into the night.
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What is your problem? Anya huffed as Xander lagged behind once again.
It's just, well, does finding Dawn really have to involve this much walking? Xander whined. Maybe we could just sit down at the Espresso Pump over here, have ourselves some mocha lattes and chocolate cake, and she'll find us. Sunnydale may have a zoo, a major state university, twelve cemeteries, way more churches than I can count, and a big ass dam, but it's still a teeny little town. She's bound to walk by eventually.
Dawn is out on her own on the Hellmouth, Giles scolded. No one has seen her since last night--
Hold on, Anya interrupted. Xander has a point. Why waste our time looking for Dawn? We have to find her real family anyway, and once we do, they'll be the ones responsible for chasing after the little weasel every time she slips away. We should go to the Hall of Records to see if the monks left any clues there when they created her.
Giles protested, Anya, I really think we ought to find Dawn--
Xander grinned sheepishly, I'll just stay here and stake out the Espresso Pump--
Oh, no, Mr. Librarian, you are going to research at the Hall of Records, and you, Xander, cannot have any chocolate cake, Anya declared, pulling the two men along by their elbows.
Stumbling along beside Anya, Giles continued to protest, The girl is out there alone on the Hellmouth at night; there's no telling what kind of trouble she could be getting into...
***************
Dawn grinned as she snapped the arm off a statue of an angel just inside the cemetery gates and hastily stuffed it in her backpack. Marble statuary would look way classy in her bedroom. Not that Buffy would ever notice anyway. Dawn contemplated whining about it to the now one-armed angel statue but decided she'd better get her bribe money to the Evil Hair Nazi before it got too late. She'd already wasted all day today lying in a ditch waiting to be rescued. No wonder Mom had always warned her about the ditches. Anyway, whining may be important, but it should never get in the way of good hair, she thought, as she flounced along on her way.
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Buffy smoothed the Fudge into her hair as she considered her reflection in the full length mirror in her bedroom. It was so unfair that her little sister got to have better hair than her. I mean, wasn't Dawn made out of Buffy? And then, shouldn't they look exactly alike? Buffy stared pointedly at her reflection and wrinkled her brow in an obvious heartfelt demonstration of confusion. Could she have been wrong? Where the hell had she come up with the idea that Dawn was made out of her anyway? Didn't they have to find Dawn's real family tonight? And did that mean that she, Buffy, wasn't really it? Had it been pure dumb luck that her suicide--uh, that is, heroic sacrifice--managed to save the world? Buffy giggled at her outlandish line of thought. Of course Dawn was made out of her. How could anything not be all about her? That item on the scavenger hunt had to be some kind of a fluke, or maybe a freebie. Freebies are good! And the hair thing? Dawn would probably be dumb enough when she grew up to chop it all off and dye it blonde; some brunettes with gorgeous long hair just didn't know how to appreciate what they had.
Feeling reassured and rejuvenated, Buffy skipped down the hallway to head out on patrol, complete the quest, slay the demon, and save the day. It was her sacred duty. She paused when she got to the bathroom door, remembering that Spike was still there, unconscious from that unfortunate anvil fall. She made a mental note to have the ceilings reinforced, then stepped into the bathroom with a devious grin. She had a plan. Okay, maybe she should have been upset about the fact that Spike had just assaulted her and tried to steal her shampoo, but that was so not a big deal in light of everything else going on. After all, she had a scavenger hunt to finish.
Ah, yes, she sighed moments later, shrugging the leather duster on to her shoulders after pulling it from Spike's cold undead body. She had gone for nearly ten minutes without her bleached boytoy's sexy smirks and his sexy, well, sex, and she had missed him terribly. She pulled the duster tighter around her body and inhaled deeply that special Spiky scent of blood, bourbon, and cigarettes. Or possibly just the scent of old leather. Whatever.
Buffy proceeded to pull off the rest of his clothes and pile them neatly in the corner. Yes, even unconscious Spike looked great naked. As an afterthought, she picked up a washcloth to throw over his dangly bits, for modesty's sake, then reconsidered his proportions and carefully draped a hand towel over him instead. At last, she left the bathroom and was on her way out to slay.
Well, first she tripped on her coattails in the foyer, and then she was on her way to complete her sacred duty. After stumbling on the much-too-long coat every three steps on her way downtown, Buffy decided that wearing Spike's duster was an immensely lame idea and dumped the coat by the side of the road.
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This is it, Whistler primed himself as he approached the warehouse. Just hope I'm not too late. I gotta warn the witches, I got it on high authority that somebody's gonna get killed around here tonight, and it better not be one of them.
Across the alley, Clem and Sophie stepped out of the Bronze. I'm sorry you were allergic to the hot wings, Clem sighed. They're really very good when they don't make your face swell up. On the plus side, that red blouse really complements your extra-rosy cheeks.
Sophie stretched her puffy facial muscles into a weak smile, then suddenly her eyes widened in terror and shock as a huge, sharp-clawed, purple scaly demon emerged from the shadows. Before anyone knew what was happening, the demon rushed up and slit Sophie's throat. She fell limply to the ground.
Whistler shrugged. Guess it wasn't one of the witches after all, he muttered, then turned and walked away. Mission accomplished, I guess.
Clem wailed, crouching down to hold Sophie's body. The scaly demon continued to attack, sharp claws attempting to shred Clem's flesh, but his thick skin protected him from serious damage. Clem huddled protectively over Sophie's dead body, sobbing. She was so young! She'd just had her very first taste of hot wings!
an authoritative voice rang out, halting the scaly demon in its attempt to maul Clem and reach its succulent kill. Do you have any idea how long this night has been? Buffy sauntered into the alley and took a fighting stance. I mean, seriously, the past few days have dragged on like months. The demon turned to her and growled. Buffy pounced and easily pinned the demon on its stomach, its claws trapped underneath. She gripped its head and leaned in. But it shouldn't take too long for me to kill you.
Willow and Tara burst out of the warehouse, panting, their clothes disheveled. Well, Willow was panting, but that was pretty much the norm for her. Tara was just somewhat flushed. Buffy, that's a Koola Yedam demon! Tara cried, distressed.
Not to worry, guys, he's putty in my hands. She twisted the demon's head, briskly snapping its neck. Ewwww. Or perhaps I should say, goo in my hands, she amended, as the demon's scales had suddenly begun oozing purple slime.
Breaking the spine of a Koola Yedam demon triggers the opening of its slime pores, Tara explained. We were about to tell you.
Kinda like the icky demon version of a glow stick, Willow explained. Then she remembered that she used to use magic to fight demons, and now she couldn't use magic, glow sticks are used at raves, and people use drugs at raves, and magic is a drug and oh, God, oh, Goddess! She ran back to the open fire hydrant she'd been using all evening and began gulping down huge sips of the gushing water.
Oh, ew, Buffy muttered, wiping her slimy hands on her slimy jeans.
Tara stuttered, there's something you should know about Koola Yedam slime.
That it's fully machine-washable and takes on a spring fresh scent on contact with water? Cause I'm not digging the instant-onset dead demon stink.
No, I mean, I don't know, but that's not it. She ducked her head shyly, even though she had important exposition to deliver. The slime of Koola Yedam demons, it has psychotropic properties. Hallucinogenic. Sometimes it causes psychic visions. But don't worry, you didn't get too much on your hands, so you should stay moderately lucid.
Buffy gaped, incredulous. Demon slime gives me psychic powers? Didn't we already do that exact same plot back in season th--I mean, 1999?
Tara shrugged. I guess we're just going to do it again. Go with it. She smiled and nodded, and Buffy was surprised to find that she, too, was smiling and nodding.
Stupider stuff has happened!
**************
Ooh, shiny! Dawn crowed, noticing a crumpled up garment on the roadside. Her arms were laden with way too many premium hair care products given to her after successfully paying off the Evil Hair Nazi. She dropped everything, including all the lawn gnomes, mail boxes, and gravestones she'd acquired in recent hours, and moved to investigate. It was a leather coat. It was Spike's coat! She slipped it on and found that it had pockets for all of her loot. This night was definitely looking up.
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Tara and Buffy turned around, surprised at Clem's mournful wail. They'd totally forgotten that his plot was left hanging.
Clem? Are you all right?
My little glazed Munchkin! he moaned over Sophie's dead body. My dear little bag of Pop-Secret microwave buttered popcorn. Things were going so well for us! We had such a beautiful time, playing parcheesi together all day today. She was so wonderful, the sweet Little Debbie snack cake, I thought, I thought maybe--I thought maybe someday she'd be my Mah Jongg partner. He broke down into incoherent sobs, then cried again, Mah Jonnnnnnnnngg!
Tara spoke gently, you seem really fixated on snack food and parlor games.
I can't help it! he wailed. That's all I ever get to talk about. That and TV. I'm a one trick pony. I don't get any character development! He dissolved into tears once again.
Buffy turned to Tara and hissed, You really weren't kidding about those hallucinations. You wouldn't believe what I thought Clem just--
Tara cut her off. No, that's real. We all grieve in our own ways. Tara continued speaking about mourning and stages of recovery, but Buffy was too distracted to listen. Looking over Tara's shoulder, Buffy saw--well, not really, she had to be truly hallucinating this time, but that didn't make the vision seem any less real--Buffy saw none other than, well, herself.
Oh, no. No, this really can't be good.
Just then, Willow returned to the alley, panting after her long drink of water, and unknowingly stood beside the other Buffy. Hey, guys, what's up?
Buffy asked, forming her words carefully. You don't see me standing there beside you, do you?
Willow wrinkled her brow, No, Buffy, you're all the way over there. She pointed to emphasize the length of alley between them. But if this is some kind of Jesus complex again, I--
Okay. So she's a hallucination, Buffy declared, pointing.
The other Buffy grinned broadly. Oh, I don't think I'm a hallucination! I'm Buffy! She stepped closer to Buffy and looked upon her, curious. Say, you look just like me. We're very pretty!
You're having a Koola Yedam vision of yourself? Willow asked. Hey, you should see if your hallucination can give us a psychic boost on the scavenger hunt. Did you know? I'm bisexual now!
That's great, Willow. But it's not me after all, Buffy groaned. I'm having a vision of the BuffyBot. And she's ripping off her own lines. I mean, at least think of something new to say. How annoying is that?
This, of course, was Dawn's cue to walk by. She clutched her coat full of stolen goods closer to her body and slouched into the alley. Get out get out GET OUT! she screeched. Everyone looked at her quizzically. Oh, I mean, hey guys, what's up?
BuffyBot brightened at the teen's appearance, grinning radiantly. Dawn is my sister!
Yeah, Dawn, my sister, Buffy dismissed, then, remembering the scavenger hunt, asked intently, Where do we find her real family? It's very important to find them tonight, as soon as possible.
Dawn pouted. Gee, Buffy, tell me how you really feel.
BuffyBot beamed, as usual. I can show you where Dawn's real family is! This way! And she turned and walked out of the alley, a bounce in her step.
We're supposed to follow her, Buffy quickly explained to her friends, then took off in pursuit. Willow, Tara, and Dawn followed closely behind. Where are we going? Buffy called out to the vision.
You'll see! the Bot chirped, never slowing her pace. From beside you it screeches!
From beside you it screeches? Buffy repeated.
The Bot abruptly stopped, turned back to face Buffy, and suddenly morphed into another blonde figure entirely. Duh! Yeah? From beside you it screeches. Did you not hear me the first time? She turned on her heel and continued walking as quickly as before.
Buffy just stood there, dumbfounded. What the hell just happened?
Uh, Buffy, we're kind of relying on you to tell us, remember? You're the one having psychic hallucinations. And what does From beside you it screeches' mean?
Buffy blinked at Willow, then spun to chase after the retreating blonde. Hey, Harmony, wait up!
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I just don't see how it took you two so long to remember that Buffy's family didn't even move here until season--uh, 1997. No wonder there wasn't any information on Dawn's birth at the Sunnydale Hall of Records! Anya grouched.
The two of us? Giles countered. It was your bloody idea!
Well, we might've got something if any of us had ever used a computer in our entire lives, Xander defended his girlfriend, but only Willow knows how to do that.
Just then, Buffy sprinted straight past the trio standing outside the Hall of Records, leaving the stench of dead demon in her wake. A split second later, Dawn, encased in bulky black leather, and Willow and Tara, quite possibly wearing each other's clothes, rushed by in hot pursuit.
Anya shouted. There goes computer girl now! Catch her! And with that, she, Xander, and Giles, took off at a fast clip. Willow, we need you!
***************
Back at Casa de Summers, the one character woefully unneeded in this chapter still lay gratuitously naked on the bathroom floor. But at least he looked good. Really damn good. And did I mention naked?
***************
As Buffy finally closed the distance between them, Harmony slowed her pace and glanced back over her shoulder at the Scoobies, all rushing in pursuit of each other. Check out the freak parade. Harmony sighed in mock exasperation. This is just like high school, all the losers running around trying to follow me wherever I go.
Harmony, everybody's following me, Buffy countered. They can't even see you. You're a figment of my imagination. And I'm only following you because you were supposed to show me where Dawn's real family is. Now are we getting close? Will I know them when I see them? What do they look like? And why can't you just tell me their name? Will they pay me child support so I don't have to work at such a lame ass job?
Would you stop with the twenty questions already! Harmony exclaimed, walking briskly once again. The rest of the Scoobies had caught up and were following Buffy closely--well, not too closely, given that she was still covered in stinky dried demon slime, but closely enough. You are such a drag. And anyway all I'm allowed to tell you is From beside you it screeches,' okay?
You know, you keep telling me, From beside you it screeches,' and every time it gets a little more annoying, Buffy complained. Is this supposed to be some kind of a prophecy about you?
Willow hissed. Don't antagonize the psychic vision!
It's a psychic vision of Harmony, Will.
Oh, well, then, carry on.
Hey, it's the zoo! Harmony exclaimed. Indeed, the entourage had reached the gates of the Sunnydale Zoo. I want to see the tigers. I wonder if they have any white tigers, like Siegfried and Roy, because I've never actually been to Vegas but I've always thought they were really cool, you know? Hey, do you think they'd ever hire a vampire as their lovely assistant?
Oh, no, Buffy protested. My psychic vision is not allowed to break away for a field trip. Not until you help us on the scavenger hunt.
But maybe later we can all play tether ball at recess! Xander joked.
Harmony scowled, then her features abruptly changed, her hair darkened, and her stylish blue Gucci dress turned to a long, flowing white gown. I'm going to the zoo, she declared petulantly in an indeterminate English accent, then floated straight through the gate. Nasty little slayer and her little friends can't stop me.
Buffy muttered. They just get harder and harder to talk to every time. Resigned, she easily ripped apart the chain that held the gate closed and led the way on to the grounds. She found Drusilla standing beside the primate house.
Tick, tick, tock, little girl, Drusilla whispered with little spastic shakes to her head. Buffy could barely make out her words over the sound of monkeys shrieking inside the primate house. Daddy's getting near the honey pot. Won't that be a treat?
Buffy, what can you see? Willow nudged. Anything prophetic?
Honey pot, Buffy repeated. Daddy's getting near the honey pot?
Dawn's real father is Winnie the Pooh?
Drusilla giggled maniacally. Slayer's already had her lollies. You shan't have any more!
Buffy, I seem to have missed something, I'm afraid, Giles interrupted. You're having some kind of visions, I take it?
Penguins, penguins, Daddy took me from the penguins! Drusilla squealed. And now Daddy is to have his sweets.
Well, I'm trying! Buffy cried out in exasperation. But with everybody asking me questions all the time and those damn howler monkeys screeching away over there, how exactly am I supposed to focus on the insane ramblings of a psychic vampire hallucination who may or may not have the information we need to defeat the demon on TV?
That's it! Willow exclaimed. Those howler monkeys! From beside you it screeches. The howler monkeys are Dawn's real family. She beamed.
No way, Dawn intoned. I am not a monkey.
Sure you are, Dawnie, Xander piped in. You're a key, made by monks. Ergo, monkey. It's all very simple when you think about it.
When the monks needed to protect the Key from Glory, they must have taken a highly intelligent howler monkey and imbued it with Summers DNA and key properties simultaneously, Willow explained. I guess ya can't create something out of nothing, huh?
Dawn squealed in frustration. I am not a monkey!
I wouldn't have believed it, but look at how shiny their fur is. And they only started making all this noise when we got here, like maybe they recognized Dawn, you know? Tara said. Or maybe they were just clamoring for attention.
Giles sighed. Of course. If only all life's problems could be solved by bad puns.
Then I'd be the slayer! Xander grinned.
My pretty Spoike hears the nightingale! He has lollies all his own, Spoike, not my Spoike, the Slayer's Spoike. So many spiders! Where do they come from, the spiders?
Wait, what was the part about penguins? Buffy asked, a bit behind the times.
Stop it! Dawn shrieked. I'm not a monkey!
Really now, this whole monkey thing is the best explanation I've seen for all that screeching, Anya said. Not to mention the prehensile tail.
Dawn shucked Spike's duster to the ground and spun around, panicked. A tail?!
Only kidding. You monkeys are so sensitive.
*************
Back outside the Bronze, Angel neared the alley, sniffing the air. What in the world was that intoxicating aroma? He approached slowly, stealthily. Yes, there was the scent of blood in the air, but it wasn't that which lured him....
Oh, cool! A hair gel demon!
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Stay tuned for the exciting conclusion by Alex Lyman! Will Sunnydale be plagued by an insane souled vampire? Will Spike ever put any clothes back on? And, oh yeah, will Tara ever get her backbone? Can the Scooby Gang defeat the Scavenger Hunt demon once and for all? Coming soon!