Here we are folks, at long last. Eight and a half months after we started, "Repeatedly. In Many Different Positions." Ends with the eights and final chapter, "Baby Got Backbone." Due to a few scheduling glitches, the author lineup has changed slightly and I'll be stepping in to finish the run ("I" being hold_that_thought (APostModernSleaz@aol.com)). I'm sure it's not half as good as the original writer, Alex Lyman, could have done, and I look forward to reading Alex's other stories in the future. Those who haven't read her Joys of Springtime (http://www.fanfiction.net/read.php?storyid=701238) really should go check it out.
Now, for the thank you's. Big thanks and love to Nongenius, who probably deserves co-writer credit on this chapter. She held my hand every step of the way (which made typing very difficult, let me tell you). Love to little_bit who started this whole shebang all those months ago. And both of these amazing women have gone on to mean a lot more to me than parody co-writers. And to Shadowlass, adjrun, and cousinjean, who didn't help with this fic (so don't blame them when it fails to amuse you), but who have helped me in many other ways, and who I love as well.
Finally, thanks to anyone who is reading this chapter, and anyone who kept reading this fic over the long eight months it took to dribble out.
Oh, and for all intents and purposes, this story still takes place shortly after Normal Again in Season Six, although there are slight spoilers through the very beginning of Season Seven (nothing really past Same Time Same Place).
Chapter Eight : Baby Got Backbone
by hold_that_thought
"So now what?" Anya asked.
Buffy, Giles, Xander, Anya, Willow, Tara, and Dawn were all standing outside the howler monkey cage outside the Sunnydale Zoo.
"Well, I guess we go find the last piece of the scavenger hunt now, Tara's backbone," Willow said.
"No, I meant with Dawn. I mean, shouldn't we leave her here with her real family, the howler monkeys?"
Buffy shook her head. "Nuh uh. In a year or two I'm going to want to leave vampire slaying behind and pursue a career in mediocre teen movies, and we're going to need Dawn around to be the next convenient Slayer."
Just then, Angel entered the zoo. "Guys, I'm serious, I really need to find Connor."
"Never fear, I think I know where we have to go to find Tara's backbone and your kid," Xander announced. "Follow me."
Spike had found what he was looking for in the Summers' garage. Pulling out Buffy's old ten-speed bike, Spike hopped on it and started peddling towards the outskirts of town. Good thing he wasn't going off to a whole other country or anything, since the bike would provide no protection whatsoever from the sunlight.
"Get comfortable," Spike said aloud, despite being completely alone. "Get comfortable Buffy, because when I get back…." Spike trailed off, unable to think of something suitably threatening. He added 'Think of New Threats Towards Scoobies' to his mental checklist, next to 'Locate Duster' and 'Not Lose Balls Again'.
"Xander, why did you bring us to Chili's?" Buffy asked.
"Trust me," he said.
The Scoobies shrugged and followed Xander into the restaurant.
"Hey, Xander! The usual?" the Chili's Hostess beamed at him.
"No, Tricia. Today, I need you to bring me your biggest order of…um…this." He pointed to an item on the menu.
Tricia smiled. "Coming right up."
The plane touched down in LAX and Cordelia Chase stepped off. She'd been vacationing with Groosalug when she'd gotten a vision telling her to go back to Sunnydale. So here she was, going back to her hometown. Cordy passed a familiar looking disheveled man with bandaged hands, in line to board a plane heading towards Canada.
"Baby's gone, baby's gone, ha! Ha! No more stupid evil baby! Bye bye Sunnydale, bye bye evil baby!" he was chanting to himself while grinning madly.
She shook her head. "Yup, Sunnydale is probably as weird as ever."
The demon listened to Spike and nodded. "Yes, I can do as you request. But first, you'll have to undergo a series of painful trials."
"Right, sure, bring it on," Spike said.
"Are you certain?"
"I said bring it on!"
"Fine."
The demon snapped and a familiar face stepped out of the shadows.
Spike shuddered. "You want me to have sex with Angel?"
"This is only an apparition of Angel and no. You don't have to have sex with Angel, you have to teach him to dance."
"Then why is he naked?" Spike asked.
"I told you it was going to be painful."
The waitress set the steaming plate down on the table. Xander grinned proudly.
"This, my friends, is the solution to our problems."
"Xander, sweetie, what does a plate of meat have to do with Tara's backbone and Angel's son?" Anya asked.
"Don't you see? Babyback Ribs! You've got the baby, like Angel's son! And Willow always calls Tara 'Baby', and there's the back! And it has bones! Problems solved!"
"You have got to be kidding me," Buffy sighed.
Giles frowned. "You can't honestly expect us to believe that the answer to our problems are Chili's Babyback Ribs."
"Okay, okay," Xander said. "I was hungry, alright? I haven't eaten in ages!"
"Well, I'd like to finish this stupid hunt before the television demon kills us." Buffy stood up. "Come on guys."
"I just ordered a hundred dollars worth of ribs, I ain't budging 'til I'm pudging," Xander said.
"Fine. The rest of you, let's go."
"If Xander insists on eating fatty foods, I'm going to have to make him burn calories sexually," Anya said. "I'm staying here."
"Me too," Willow said. "Chili's will give me free water."
"I'll go with you, Buffy," Tara said. On seeing Willow's glare, she sat back down. "M-maybe not."
"And I have to go find Connor," Angel said and swept out.
"So one by one, they turn from me…." Buffy began.
"Oh, bloody hell, I'll come with you as long as you stop singing," Giles said.
Dawn stopped shoving silverware, napkins, and condiments down her pants long enough to say, "Yeah, I'll come too."
"Good. Okay. But you four better start looking for Tara's backbone once you finish eating, drinking, screwing, and simpering."
Angel was back on The Bluff of Redemption, the place where The Powers That Be sent him magic snow years before. Maybe they could help him find his son. He fell to his knees and began sobbing like a little girl.
"Am I not a righteous father? Do I not deserve my son back?"
Suddenly, there was a loud crack and Connor magically appeared in Angel's arms.
"Oh my god, The Powers That Be heard my cry and sent Connor to me! They acknowledge that I am a Champion and an amazing father!"
"No," a voice boomed down from the sky. "We're just sick of your whining."
"Angel?"
"Cordelia?" Angel turned around and was shocked to see Cordelia, long brown hair flowing down past her shoulders, wearing a stylish dress and a smirk. "Your hair…."
"Yeah, I don't know what happened, but as soon as I got back to Sunnydale I started feeling like my old self again. I think the more important question is, why are you in Sunnydale, clutching Connor and weeping like a big doofus?"
"Oh, Delia…." Angel sighed.
"Delia?"
"Yeah, short for Cordelia."
"Uh huh. Well, unless you want me to start calling you 'Gel', no matter how appropriate it may be for you, I suggest you stick with Cordy."
"Right. Sorry. Cordy, I have something to tell you." Angel closed his eyes and took a deep, unnecessary breath. "Cordelia, we've known each other for years. We're Champions, we have Kyrumption. I would like to become your consort. Your lover. Your concubine."
"Oh puh-lease," Cordelia rolled her eyes. "Hello! Maybe I was feeling schmoopy for a while there, but wake up! The old school Cordelia is back, and I am not about to get tangled up with you. Whaddya think, I forgot the whole Angelus debacle back in high school? And you, you big hypocrite, you left Buffy because you didn't want her non-vampire ass to be stuck in the dark with you. What am I, chopped liver? Now get up off your knees you big woman, grab the kid, and let's go back to L.A., start helping the helpless again. We run a detective agency, in case you forgot like everyone else seems to have." Cordelia turned on her heel and stalked towards her car. Angel sniffled, picked up Connor, and followed her.
"Okay," Spike wheezed, "I've done all you've asked. I taught Angel to dance, I gave Clem an erotic massage, I shaved that Warren guy's whole body, and gave that demon Balthazaar a tongue bath. Now will you give me what I want so Buffy can get what she deserves?"
"Very well," the demon intoned. It handed Spike a rumpled brown paper bag. "Farewell and godspeed, little nipper."
"Dawn, where did Giles go?" Buffy and her sister had been walking down Main Street when the Slayer realized her Watcher was missing.
"Um…he said he had to go have some tea," Dawn said.
"Oh. Uh, is there some sound coming from your pants?"
"No." Dawn coughed loudly, trying to cover up the muffled screams emanating from her surprisingly expandable pants. "Hey, is something moving in that old abandoned theatre?"
"Huh. Yeah, looks like. I'll go check it out. Dawn, go find Giles, okay?"
Buffy crossed the street and cautiously entered the theatre. She pulled her stake out, ready to slay whatever was lurking in the gloom.
"It didn't work."
The voice came from her right. She turned and saw Spike, crouched low, completely naked save some strategically placed fig leaves, holding out a sparkling blue spandex jumpsuit towards her.
"The costume," he explained. "It didn't fit. Too binding." He nodded sadly. "I'm funny how? I mean funny, like I'm a clown? I amuse you? I make you laugh?"
"Spike, what the hell are you doing?" Buffy snapped.
"Right. Girl isn't amused. Because there's no sparkle. I tried to find it, you know. The sparkle. The missing…costume that fit. That would make me shine. Because you didn't want…."
Spike clutched the bundle of spandex to his chest and skittered forward towards the stage. He climbed up on the abandoned set of the last show performed there, Godspell, and began rocking back and forth.
"I dreamed of being a superstar. Holding myself and spilling salty buckets into the eyes of grateful fans as you smiled at me from the wings. Angel should have warned me…how hard it is. Singing in public. And they gave the sparkle to me and it itches."
Buffy gaped at the vampire. "Your soul."
"What? What the hell are you talking about?" He stopped his rocking. "My sparkle. SPARKLE!" He waved the spandex unitard around like a ninny.
"Oh, sorry," Buffy said. "I thought that was a euphemism. You about done here?"
"Yeah, one sec." Spike turned towards the giant cross jutting out of the middle of the stage. "And they will look at him with adoration, and everybody will cheer and scream. He will be adored. Can I rock now, Buffy? Can I rock?" He turned around and bowed to an imaginary crowd. Then he strode to the edge of the stage and hopped off. "Okay, good to go now, Buffy."
He was halfway out the door when she stopped him. "Um, clothes?"
"Oh, right."
Once Xander had eaten all the ribs in Chili's and a couple of chickens to boot, the quartet headed to Buffy's house.
"I have an idea," Willow said, and motioned for Xander, Tara, and Anya to follow her upstairs.
"Sweetie, what are you doing with my clothes?" Tara asked as Willow began pulling dresses out of the closet.
Anya folded her arms across her chest. "Burning them, if she has any sense at all."
Willow ignored her and spread three of the dresses out on the bed. "Just a little spell I learned for lonely nights when you aren't here, Tara." She ran her hands over the garments and began to chant. "Spirits, I beseech thee, donnez à ceux-ci la vie de vêtements de sorte qu'ils puissent me soulager dans mes différends. Great Goddess of Blow-Up Dolls, donnez la vie, donnez la vie, donnez la vie!" The dresses filled out as if a body was inside them. Simultaneously, they sat up and held their arms out to comfort Willow. "No, no hugs needed today." The puce crushed-velvet ballgown crossed its arms and turned away as haughtily as an animated dress could. "I'm sorry! I just need information. Do any of you know where Tara's backbone is? We just had it a few weeks ago at Buffy's birthday party, but it seems to have gone missing again." The puce dress continued to ignore Willow, but the magenta lace smock and the canary yellow burlap sack seemed to consider this. Finally, the magenta dress shrugged, but the yellow dress jumped up excitedly. It pointed to the bed.
"It's u-under the b-bed?" Tara asked.
The dress nodded and pointed to Xander.
"You need me to get it?" Xander frowned. "I don't know if I can fit…."
The dress swished its arms back and forth indicating 'no'. Then it pointed to Xander and the bed.
"Honey, I think it wants to mate with you," Anya frowned. She stepped between her fiancée and the dress and said, "Sorry, bucko, no threesomes unless we're talking me, Xander, and Spi—"
"Don't finish that thought, Ahn," Xander warned.
If dresses could sigh, this would have been the time for the yellow dress to do so. But it couldn't, so it walked over to the dresser and picked up a medium-sized crystal. Then it walked over to Tara, pointed to the crystal, pointed to her spine, walked over to the bed, lifted up one corner leg and slid the crystal under, finally pointing towards Xander, and once again back towards the bed.
"Oh!" Xander smacked his hand to his forehead. "Right. Anya, remember when we broke the leg of our bed and I used that white thing to prop it up? That must have been Tara's backbone!"
"Great!" Willow exclaimed. "Xander, you and Tara go to your apartment and get it."
"Why me and Tara?"
"Because that's the pairing of the four of us least likely to lead to sex, and I'd like to finish this sometime tonight."
"Fair enough." Xander and Tara headed out.
When they were gone, Anya indicated to the still-animated dresses. "You're not gonna get all sexy with those things with me in the room, are you?"
Willow shook her head. "No. Well, probably not."
Buffy, Spike, and Dawn were heading back to Buffy's house to see if the other Scoobies had made any progress on the search for the final item. Buffy was trying not to laugh aloud at the outfit Spike was wearing. It was a pair of shabby black pants with rainbow suspenders over a Superman tee shirt, the only clothes they could find in the theatre that fit him. Dawn spied a mailbox that for some reason wasn't bolted down. After a cursory glance at her sister and the sparkly vampire to make sure they weren't looking at her, she grabbed it and shoved it down her pants.
Skriiiiiiitch.
The thin black material had finally been stretched too far and the garment split in two. In a loud clatter, a lot of crap came spilling out onto the sidewalk. Candlesticks, a laptop computer, a couple of garden gnomes, Willow's Bedazzler, the Kokopelli statue, some Doublemeat Palace burgers, a bowling ball, Spike's leather duster, a puppy, a tea service, a couple of ferns, the Mona Lisa, a cash register, the Sunnydale High football stadium's goalpost, a full set of car tires, and a very disoriented Giles.
Buffy started to cry. Dawn crossed her arms and tried to look as indignant as a pantsless kleptomaniac had a right to look. "Oh, let me guess. You're pissed off that you're still alive again, aren't you?"
Buffy wiped her eyes and said, "No, silly. I'm crying because your bowling ball rolled onto my foot!" She grit her teeth, determined to work valiantly through the pain. "Also, I'm glad to be alive. I want to show you the world Dawnie. I want to take you places. And have you steal things. I mean, holy shit, check out some of the loot you've got stashed here! Hello pawn shops, goodbye Doublemeat Palace!"
Dawn grinned and hugged her sister. Then she looked down and got embarrassed. "Uh, I forgot to steal extra pants."
"Hey, Spike, you still have that blue unitard?" Buffy asked.
Xander had just finished popping Tara's backbone back in when Spike, Buffy, Giles, and Dawn walked in the door.
"Oh, good, you guys found it?" Buffy said.
"Yep! It was under Xander's bed," Willow grinned.
"Ah. Hey, you didn't happen to see a pair of handcuffs under there, did you?"
"Buffy, why would there be handcuffs under my bed?"
"Er…no reason."
"So Tara," Dawn said while walking over to the witch, "how are you feeling?"
Tara stretched a little. "Pretty good, Dawnie. In fact, I have a couple of things to say." She turned to Willow. "You mind-wiped me! That's just sick! You try that again and I swear to Goddess I will do a spell that makes thousands of tiny screaming penises sprout up all over your body! And don't think I won't do it. And Xander," she whirled around and startled the young man into dropping his hamburger, "stop. Treating. Anya. Like. Shit. She gives and gives and all you can do is correct her and put her down in front of your friends! Oh, and Dawnie, I love you, but stop with the shining and whining!"
Willow, unused to seeing her docile girlfriend so full of passion, started to get aroused. She grabbed a nearby water bottle and started chugging. Tara ripped it from her hands.
"You're not a fish, Willow! Hydratus est!" On her words, blue sparks flew from Tara's fingers to Willow's throat. "There. You're permanently hydrated, no more need to drink water ever again!"
Finally, Tara turned to the Slayer. "Buffy, I knew I said I wouldn't do this…but it has to be done. Guys, Buffy has been sleeping with Spike. He really loves her, and you know what? I think she loves him too. And they deserve to be together and know happiness, and if any one of you so much as passes one judgmental look over the pair, there…will…be…HELL…to…pay." Tara cleared her throat and smoothed down her dress. "Sorry if I came across as harsh. Now, pardon me, I have to go speak to some fashion nazis about getting me into more fashionable duds." Tara swept out of the room as everyone looked on in shock.
"Baby got BACK," Willow said lasciviously.
"Nobody puts Baby in a corner," Xander smirked.
"Hit me baby one more time," Anya grinned.
After a few minutes trying to come up with a similar quote to no avail, Buffy shrugged, walked over to Spike, and slipped her arm around his waist. "You heard her. Hell to pay. Now, whaddya say we summon this demon and get this over with?"
Before anyone could move to gather summoning supplies, the television snapped on and the well-dressed demon appeared again on the monitor.
"Well," he smiled, "you did it. I admit, I had my doubts, but you managed to locate everything I asked of you. Anya's natural hair color, Spike's balls, Buffy's appetite, Xander's gym membership, Willow's heterosexuality, Dawn's real family, and Tara's backbone."
"Do we get any sort of reward?" Xander asked.
"Yes. You get to benefit from my sage advice," the demon answered. "I suppose you're all wondering why I sent you on this epic quest."
"Really not," Buffy said, rolling her eyes. "Um, Giles, little help here?" Her eyes were stuck in the roll again. The Watcher dutifully slapped his Slayer upside the head, and when her eyes were looking forward again, she motioned for the demon to continue.
"Well, I'll tell you why." The demon pulled off its mask to reveal itself as the evil fiend it really was.
"Oh good lord," Giles gasped, "you're Shelley Long!"
"That's right!" she laughed. "And I sent you on a scavenger hunt because I was bored. I was once like you. I was a popular young lady with a smashing career. Then I decided to step out of my job early and pursue a career in the movies! Do you know what my claim to fame is now? Playing a campy version of a television character created by someone else entirely years ago!" Shelley threw up her hands in disgust.
Buffy's lip quivered. "But that doesn't mean the same thing will happen to me, right?"
"Do the names Shannen Doherty and Jennifer Love Hewitt mean anything to you?"
The Slayer shuddered. "Okay, okay, point made. I won't abandon my job for a career in mediocre teen movies!"
"Then my job here is done." With a click the television returned to black.
Buffy turned to her friends. "Well, that was quite an adventure. How about everyone goes home, relaxes, and has lots and lots of sex with their partners of choice?"
Willow, Xander, Anya, Spike, Giles, and Dawn all nodded and started to gather their coats to go home.
Whistler stepped out from beneath the darkness of the tree outside, pillow imprints still marring his face. He puffed on a cigar and began his intricate voice-over to a montage of the Scoobies going home and cuddling with their loves.
"The fact of the matter is, even when you're sure the career move you have planned is solid, you're not ready to face the truth. No one sane should give up a cushy job with a guaranteed paycheck to go and become a peddler of Hollywood crap, not really. And yet. So what are we, lunatics? Mindless entertainment zombies? No. The big deals for crappy movies are gonna be thrown your way, can't help that. It's what you do afterwards that counts. It's turning down the movies that are re-hashes of bad 1970's cartoons, waiting for the occasional art house flick to come your way and shoot you into superstardom. That's when you find out how Hollywood is."
He glanced up at Buffy's bedroom window to see Spike pulling down the shade and smiling broadly.
"You'll see what I mean."