Authors note: I hate it when slash fiction gets so gay. Yes I use gay as a negative term- because I think slash authors have gotten to be so god damn ridiculous. Read the books little kids and stop making straight characters gay. I'm positive Tolkien would agree with me. Im not Homophobic, Im just trying to prove a point.
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Aragorn, even his name emitted total gayness. His rugged looks and manly stature was enough to drive even the straightest men to homosexuality. He had not gone unnoticed by the pretty boy Legolas.
"Come on elf-boy. Keep those silky smooth legs in gear." He said winking to the swift-footed sex god of the woodland tribe.
"Oh, don't be silly Arai- I haven't shaved in two days." Legolas said skipping past him.
"He's not lying!" Gimli said smiling at their leader.
Aragorn shrieked in horror.
"Oh goodness- bad people- draw your swords boys!" he said.
Gimli and Legolas started unbuckling their belts.
"Not those swords you silly gooses! Your weapons! Oh if only Arwen were here to see me now. Then she'd finally understand I'm gay! After all, I am her boyfriend- that doesn't mean I'm straight does it? Oh I do hope authors pick up my homosexual vibe!"
A bunch of people on horses carrying the Rohan flag came trotted up to them.
"Who are you?" questioned the horsemen's leader.
"Don't worry boys, I've been to their city- it's an Amazon city- only men!" Aragorn said winking to his two lovers.
Before any of the hero's had time to speak they found themselves bound and chained from head to foot before the king of Rohan.
An ugly looking figure with greasy hair slithered into the room.
"Wormtongue?" Gimli shouted surprised.
"Gimli?" He answered back just as shocked.
They ran into each other arms. Wormtongue was stroking Gimli's hair, as he was explaining how he had never been the same since the departure of his former lover.
"Once you've had dwarf you can never go back." Wormtongue said.
Legolas, being very jealous, said bitterly, "Don't you like that blonde girl?"
"Blonde girl? I'm gay- like every character in Lord of the Rings!!! Me be straight? What are you sick?"
"Oh- Beat him up Aragorn!" Legolas screamed.
"NOOOO" Gimli shouted as Aragorn drew his sword. There was an eerie silence, but there was something special about it. Almost as if you listened closely, you could hear violins playing.
"Don't you understand? Our quest isn't about good or evil- right or wrong- it's about love. Love is the theme of our story. Who cares if the idea of everyone being gay and loving each other is obtuse." Gimli said. Legolas hung his head in shame. " We don't need plot- we don't need carefully constructed writing, just love."
"That's so beautiful man." The king said crying. "Now, who's up for a middle-earth orgy?"
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Authors note: Did I make my point clear?