Disclaimer: Last night, I found the seventh Dragon Ball (the only one I was missing), and I called on Shenlong. I made a wish that I owned Dragon Ball, but he simply gave me that menacing laugh of his and said, "It can't be done." Stupid lizard. So, as usual, I own nothing. -sigh-
A/N: Okay, this chapter is a lil shorter than the other one (I think it's my shortest…sorry) but I updated it the next day, love me…It's on a slightly happier note. And just a lil warning, the next couple of chapters are Trunks-less but he appears (not physically) one way or another. =) I just love him so much…So anyway, Remember that chapter where Trunks first came back and Pan was like "I'm going to collage in America, unless…no I won't think of the unless, I am going away, in August…that is the plan." or something like that? Well, here it is:
'Unless' becomes reality and daydreams become something more
Pan looked down at the envelope. Her mouth was half open, her hands were trembling, and she could feel her heart beating in her knees. She didn't know what she was going to do. She'd never been the type that felt light headed, always thought people who fainted were ridiculous, over dramatic, or really sick. But now she felt that kind of sick, like she might faint. Her stomach knotted, it was too much for her. She quickly picked up the envelope and threw it in the bottom of her dresser drawer. She couldn't open it.
She wouldn't open it, she resolved. She'd already decided that she wasn't going to go, there was no point in opening the letter. It's not as if that letter had any good news in it, any news that she would want. No, who was she kidding? Her entire future rested in the contents of that envelope and her not opening it had nothing to do with deciding already. She was a coward. Afraid she'd be rejected. She sighed and headed down the stairs. Bra had called and from the tone in her voice, Pan suspected she was meddling again.
Ever since Trunks left, Bra had been on her case to get a date. It was as if she sensed Pan's resolve in never wanting to put herself out there to be hurt. Bra thought it wasn't natural but Pan didn't care. She'd been hurt free for a month. Trunks' leaving lifted a huge weight off her shoulders, love was no good for her. She was still heartbroken and she had to deal with that every single day, she didn't need Bra trying to shove some guy down her throat. It was hard enough, just thinking about Trunks. Missing him. Whoever said 'it's better to love and loose than to never love at all' was a liar. They had obviously never been in unrequited love with someone. It was far worse than never loving. She would rather have been cold and distant all her life than go through what she was feeling now.
She walked out of the door, using these thoughts to mask her true concern. That letter was still sitting in her room, under her clothes, in her dresser. If she opened it and read it her whole future could change. But she didn't want to, not just yet. Maybe she'd wait until all the other letters were in first. Maybe that would soften the blow, should there be a blow. Without even thinking about it, she was up in the sky, headed for Capsule Corporations. The door was already unlocked when she got there.
Pan walked in to find Bra and Goten sitting on the couch. They were watching Cartoon Network and laughing at something. Pan sighed, at least there was no mysterious guy here. Just her uncle…her uncle who'd been coming over a lot lately. Even after Trunks left. She'd meant to ask Bra about that…Pan shrugged and took a seat on the other side of Bra. They were watching Dexter's Laboratory. Pan held in a groan, that show was only funny when you were in a good mood. But she wasn't in a good mood. She hadn't been in a long time. Not since…
"Hello, Pan." Bulma smiled happily as she walked into the room. She was carrying a basket of laundry. "I didn't know you were going to be here today. But that's good, stay right there okay? I have something for you." Bulma walked up the stairs, ignoring Pan's curious look. What could Bulma have for her?
Seconds later Bulma was coming back down the stairs, a letter in her hands. She was smiling broadly, as she had been around Pan for some time, and headed the letter to her. Instantly, Pan recognized the penmanship. It wasn't something she'd wanted, especially not today. Why had he written her? She frowned. This letter would go right with the other letter she'd gotten today. Maybe she'd open them both at the same time.
"What is it?" Bra looked away from the T.V. and down at what her friend was holding.
"Oh, it's just a letter from Trunks for Pan, dear. He sent it in a package that he sent here. It must have been on accident. But I thought you'd like to have it Pan." Pan forced a smile on her face.
"Thank you, Ms. Briefs." She folded the letter and shoved it in her back pocket. Bra gave her a questioning glance.
"Trunks writes to you, now?" She wrinkled her brow. "He didn't write before." She shook her head, certain she was missing something. Ever since he left, Bra had felt out of the loop, like something had happened that she knew nothing about. But Pan was her best friend, she'd tell her…right? "You look sick, Pan. Is something wrong?" Bra questioned farther, after observing her friends pale face. It was usually somewhat sad, ever since last month when Trunks left; Bra was prepared for that. But today she looked as if she'd seen a ghost. There was something definitely wrong and Bra wanted to get to the bottom of it.
"Do you want to spend the night with me?" Bra asked her friend. "We could talk about what we're going to do after graduation. We could go shopping tomorrow. You haven't stayed in a while. I have to go to school in the morning and take more exams but it's only for the first half of the day." She gave Pan her best 'please' look and pouted.
Pan smiled, weakly, and nodded her head. "Sure."
"Great!" Bra yelled, happy her friend had agreed. "Hey, when do you have to take your last bit of exams. I'm jealous that you graduated before me." She frowned.
"Well, I'm not a graduate yet. I still have to go through the ceremony like you do. But my last exams are next week. Then I'm out for good." Pan smiled whole-heartedly. She couldn't wait to be done with high school. She felt like she'd been in it for eternity. There were no words to describe how happy she was to leave. And how scared. What would she do now?
She'd never been to America before, she didn't even want to go. And that's where she was bound. To the 'best colleges' according to her father. She didn't understand it. In Japan, they spent more time in school than Americans did, and apparently their grading system was harder. They had to learn three languages, English, Japanese, and another and yet Americans only needed two. Why would a school there be better than one in Japan? She shook her head at the thought and became aware of Bra waving her hand back and forth in Pan's face.
"What?" She asked. Bra only laughed.
"You spaced out on me for a moment." By this time Goten was looking at her as well, as if he were concerned for her well being. She only hoped he wouldn't suggest she go eat something. That seemed to be his cure for everything. If he were completely human he'd be as big as a house right now. She laughed at the thought as he tilted his head.
"What?" He asked, confused. "What did I do?" Pan stopped laughing and shook her head.
"You didn't do anything." She reassured her uncle. He was still frowning when Bulma interrupted.
"You aren't going to open the letter?" She frowned. Pan had forgotten she was still standing there.
"Um…I think I'll read it at home. It's probably just him telling me about his last exams and stuff." She shrugged it off. Bulma gave her a look that said both of them knew that was a lie. Trunks would never write a letter to Pan talking about his school exams and that's it. He'd have something more to say than that. Or he had done something terribly wrong that had made her angry with him. Then he'd be apologizing. But he didn't know he'd done anything wrong. He didn't know Pan was in love with him and she was sitting around moping like a love sick puppy. Not unless Bra had told him. Her eyes slowly moved from Bulma to Bra, giving an accusing look.
Bulma walked up the stairs as Goten elbowed Bra, letting her know that she was getting a glare from Pan. Bra lifted her eyebrows.
"What's up?" She asked, confused. "Did I do something?"
"I don't know." Pan shook her head at her friend, already angry though she wasn't sure if Bra were guilty or not. "Did you?"
"What are you talking about, Pan? I haven't done anything."
"When you write to Trunks, do you tell him things about me?" She asked quietly, even though she knew Goten could hear them anyway. He was Saiyan.
"No." Bra shook her head but Pan continued to glare. "No." She repeated, Pan's eyes never left hers. "Okay, so I may have said something about me trying to get you hooked up. But you just look so sad and depressed all the time. Maybe you need a boyfriend." Bra shrugged as Pan hit her shoulder.
"Maybe you need a boyfriend, since you pay so much attention to my life." Pan spoke under her breath. Goten laughed and Bra hit his side.
"That's not funny." She warned him and he choked the laugh in his throat.
"You haven't told her yet?" He asked, leaning over and whispering it into her ear. Pan could hear him anyway, she didn't know why he bothered. Bra shook her head and blushed.
"What haven't you told me?" Pan frowned and huffed, frustrated.
"Nothing, just…Well Goten and I…" She didn't finish. She didn't have to. For some reason Pan felt as if the chair had been kicked from under her. She was supposed to be happy for her best friend. Her friend who'd admitted that she was in love with Goten after their last 'midnight movie' session. She was supposed to smile and say how great this was, but she didn't feel like it was great. She was lost. Her best friend had gotten what she wanted but Pan felt left in the cold.
She swallowed hard and forced a smile. "That's great!" She smiled wider, trying to convince herself that it was true. It wasn't working. She felt the void inside her grow wider, as if her time were running out. Suddenly she felt all alone, and sitting on that couch with them she felt like a third wheel. "How long?" She managed.
"Since Trunks left. A month." Bra smiled. Of course. And no one felt the need to tell Pan. Pan patted her friend's shoulder and stood up, the letter in her back pocket burning as she spoke.
"I think I'm going to go home. I might be back later on tonight, I just don't…I don't feel like hanging out right now." Bra nodded and swallowed hard.
"We were going to tell you…I was going to tell you. I just didn't want you to feel…left out or anything. I was waiting until you had a while, you know, after Trunks left and all…" Her sentence trailed off. She was unable to explain without getting into a fight with Pan. And she didn't want to fight with Pan. Pan knew Bra didn't want to tell her that she knew her heart was broken from a guy she'd never have and Bra was only trying to ease the blow of sharing her happiness.
"You should have trusted that I'd be glad for you." Pan whispered, hoarsely. She didn't know why she said it, it was that part of her that felt betrayed, coming out. But truth be told, Bra had done the right thing. Pan would have resented her no matter when she told her. She smiled at her friend. "It's okay, really." She nodded her head, trying to convince herself that it was okay. She didn't want Bra to feel she was angry with her. Pan wasn't angry with Bra at all, just disappointed in herself. Why couldn't she find reciprocated love?
Bra stood up, not believing her friends words. "Come back, tonight. We can hang out. I've got so much to tell you." She pleaded.
"I will. I just have to go right now." Pan hugged her and walked toward the door. As soon as she was outside she bolted into the air and was home before she knew it. She hadn't an idea she could fly that fast. Tears were brimming her eyes, but she didn't know why she was about to cry. She'd never cried for no reason, and crying had never solved anything for her. She was confused and that frustrated her even more. She wanted to blow something up. For a second she considered heading back to Bra's and pissing Vegita off, then she remembered the letter in her back pocket. She wanted to read it more than anything. She ran into her house and up the stairs, not bothering to speak to her mother.
She pulled the letter out of her pockets and tore it open, pulling out the contents. Her heart was pounding as she looked down at the small print. She sat down on her bed and slowly began to read:
Dear Pan, It took me three drafts and two weeks to finally decide what exactly I wanted to put in this letter. She smiled, thinking of Trunks writing and then throwing away. This had to be something important. She continued to read. Words can't describe my remorse for the situation in which we parted. I was an idiot. I want you to understand that you've been the closet thing I've ever had to happiness and I would hate to find that I've in any way severed what we have. What do we have? She wanted to yell it at him but he wasn't right there. What did he mean, 'she'd been the closest thing he's ever had to happiness'? He made it sound as if they'd broken up. Or as if he…loved her…When I come home I intend to do everything I can to rectify the situation. For the life of me, I can't get the look in your eyes as I walked away, out of my head. To be honest, I'm perfectly clueless as to what I did, other than leave without giving you proper reason to believe I wouldn't desert our friendship. But all the same, I am deeply and truly sorry for any hurt which may have caused your beautiful, raven eyes to dull. Please forgive my shortcomings and use this time in which we're apart to mend your heart. She didn't know weather she should smile or break into tears. Her heart was skipping beats. It was the sweetest letter she'd ever received. But it was so formal. He probably had some woman create it for him. She frowned at the thought, then shook it off. No, he'd written it for sure. She smiled and looked back down at the letter. There was more, her eyes skimmed it, then re-read it, and then she jumped up. She smiled, brighter this time, carefully folded the letter, placed it on her heart for a second and sighed, and then she put it in her bottom drawer, taking out, in it's place, the letter she'd received earlier today. He had given her the courage to open it. She smiled joyfully again, knowing that it was Trunks who'd lifted her mood. That was good and bad at the same time.
Her hands were still shaking as she held the letter. It was from college; the only college she'd ever wanted to go to. In Japan. Design school. She wanted to be a fashion designer and the only person she'd ever told was Trunks. He remembered, her mind traveled back to her Christmas gift from him. He knew she would put clothing designs in it, it was the most beautiful thing she'd ever gotten. Suddenly her smile was wide again, even though she hadn't used the book, if she were accepted she would begin designing right away. Her heart was beating triply fast as she slowly tore the letter open. She was more nervous than she'd ever been in her whole life. The letter was so small. She knew that it was one of those 'thank you for the application, but no thanks.' letters.
She pulled it out and skimmed over the contents. Then she sat the letter down and tried to gather her thoughts. She couldn't breath. She didn't believe this. She picked the letter back up, defensively, as if the contents would change in that small second of a break.
Pan Son, It is my duty, and pleasure, to inform you that your application has been accepted…She scanned farther down… Your designs are amongst the best this school has seen and, upon farther examination of your work, some of the most original as well…She continued scanning… You have been granted full scholarship, should you choose to attend. Please respond promptly with your acceptance and farther information will be sent to your residence…The words hadn't changed. She didn't bother to re-read the rest as she placed the letter on her bed again. She let out a yell and went running down the stairs to tell her mother.
She didn't know how her father was going to take the news. Neither of them knew she wanted to be a designer, but it didn't matter what they thought; she was going to that school. She knew her father had expected her to be an accountant or something to that effect, but it didn't matter. She was going to do this. Who would have known, the tomboy designing clothes for real girls? She laughed at the irony, the words still ringing through her head…Your designs are amongst the best this school has seen…She giggled as she approached her mother, thankful her father was still at work. This had been the best day of her life.
It was twelve o'clock and Pan was still up. She'd filled five pages in her book already and was working on the sixth. Designs just kept popping into her head, she felt like a little girl again. All day she'd done nothing but smile. She was happy, genuinely happy, for the first time in a long time. She wasn't wishing she was someone else, somewhere else, with someone. She was just wishing. Daydreaming about how things would turn out, happy to just imagine what her life was going to be like now. And best of all, she was happy.
The smile hadn't left her face all day. Even when she told her parents of her choice in college and they frowned. Even when they told her to wait for her other letters before she made her final decision. Pan wasn't paying them any mind. She'd already decided on what she was going to do. In fact, she'd already written her acceptance letter. She was going to mail it after her final exams next week. It would be the end of high school and the beginning of her life. The thought made her bubbly all over again. She was giggling quietly to herself and her good mood was even scary to her.
She'd never been so happy before, she thought something was wrong with it. Certainly, her world was about to come crumbling down on her. Something had to be about to go wrong. Things just weren't right if she was too happy. She was supposed to be miserable. But even as these thoughts crept into her head, her hand was steady moving on the paper and her smile was steadily growing wider.
Everyone around her could sense the change, just walking by her door you could feel her light mood. When Bra had called to ask if she was coming by and Pan told her she'd rather stay in tonight, even Bra knew she was strangely euphoric. Something had made Pan smile, and Bra could hear that smile, even through the phone. She'd begged Pan to tell her about it, but Pan only shook her head (despite the fact that Bra couldn't see her) and said 'no'. She promised, though, that she'd tell her later. Bra had simply assumed it was something Trunks had written to Pan. And she was partly right.
Thinking of Trunks, Pan hopped off her bed and went to her bottom dresser drawer. No matter what happened, she would always have this letter. She smiled to herself and pulled the letter out. She re-read the bottom part, that was her favorite, and again found herself smiling like and idiot. So this was what it was like to be semi-air headed. No cares, no worries, not thinking of the consequences. This was what it was like to be carefree. She kissed the letter, looking down at it and reading again. …remember, you will always be in my heart. And please try not to forget me while I'm not there. (smile) Yours truly, Trunks. It wasn't much, but it was more than she could have hoped for. Always in his heart.
She giggled and read a few lines before that. I would hate to return and find I've lost my best and truest friend, again. I know we lost touch in the years I spent away; I just hope that my returning home will help to fill the drift I've made. I don't think I've properly apologized for that either. In case I haven't, I'm sincerely sorry. I hope you spend some time thinking of me while you're off living your life because I'll be here all alone, in America, with no friends. Well, I'm running short on time and I must bring this letter to a close but…(go back up to the other …'s). She didn't like to read the part about her being his best and truest friend, but the way he worded it made her feel special. It was as if he were trying to soften the blow of using the word 'friend'…or maybe he wanted to say something else…
She shook her head at the contemplation, knowing it was wishful thinking. But it didn't matter. She could pretend she was his for just a few moments longer, it was so hard to let go all at once. She liked the time she spent imaging what it would be like in his arms. Pretending that he felt as strongly for her as she did about him. It was fun to wish. But it hurt when she opened her eyes and realized it was just a dream. Now, as she did so, the reason why she stopped pretending hit her hard. He would never be hers. She'd have to wake up someday and acknowledge that she was alone. Maybe Bra was right…maybe she did need a boyfriend.
As these thoughts danced around her head, she sighed and placed the letter back in it's place. She wasn't going to read it again. There was nothing in it to make her believe he wanted her. There was no reason for her to be walking around as if she were loved. Just because she was…what was it…the closest thing he'd had at happiness? Just because he'd said that didn't mean he cared for her in any way. And just that quickly, her daydreams were over. She was smacked with reality. She stood up and headed for bed, afraid to close her eyes.
This was when the paranoia kicked in. Suppose she woke up right now and discovered this was all a dream. Suppose she closed her eyes and when she opened them, none of this happened. What would she do? How would she feel? Maybe she wouldn't be good at that school and they'd cancel her scholarship. That would be terrible but it was time for something bad to happen, she knew it. Things were too good for her today. Maybe if she tip-toed around her happiness, stopped smiling ever few seconds, maybe fate wouldn't realize she was satisfied. If fate didn't know then bad things wouldn't be coming for her. Maybe if she didn't tell anyone else of her plans, then they wouldn't be spoiled.
She'd been keeping things inside all her life. She hadn't told her parents she wanted a job in fashion. Wasn't that the reason they were reluctant to accept she was going to a beauty college? She hadn't ever told Trunks she cared for him. Wasn't that the reason he was so adamant about them being best friends? Maybe if she had said something. She sighed, this was getting her nowhere. All her thoughts were in circles, it was best for her to go to sleep. Any second now she'd be telling herself she never really loved Trunks, it was just a crush. Then she'd be right back where she started from.
It was a crying shame, she couldn't even be honest with herself. She couldn't even let herself be happy for a few seconds without the fear that something terrible was going to happen. Well nothing bad was going to happen this time. She sealed her heart away to prevent pain from anyone else. And she was about to realize her dreams. Nothing could stand in the way of that. Nothing. She prayed to Dende, let her thoughts be right. For once, just once, let something work out for her. Let something be good, if he granted her nothing else, just let this one dream become reality.
Then she closed her eyes, and as if Dende were laughing at her, she had that familiar dream of hers. With a particular lavender haired boy standing at the alter waiting for her to make it all the way down the isle. Always, she took one step farther and then two steps back…That was Dende's way of saying 'yeah right, you're never going to get there'. She woke up angry and down to Earth.
A/N: I hope you liked it. And thought it was at least slightly less depressing than the last one. By the way, thank you guys so much for reviewing! (I have 80 reviews I'm so excited) And I'll be back with the next chapter soon. (winter break, finally!)
And for those of you who are wondering, 'when the hell are they going to just get together'….I'm sorry. You have a very long wait. See, this is a "get together" fic, so it ends when they "get together". But don't worry, they'll be a lot more of T/P interaction when he gets back…though I'm not making any promises on being very good at it…