Title: It Only Hurts More

Author: Linoge

Disclaimer: I own nothing, except that which is my own.

Summary: Sydney's thoughts post-The Getaway.

Rating: PG-13 due to light language.

Distribution: E-mail first.

Author's Note: I have a plan for this fic. I have more chapters in my head, but I'll only write them if this chapter is a success (I'm quite sensitive about my work). So PLEASE review! I need it! It's like a drug to me!!!!

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Exhausted, I finally reach my house. It's been a long day, and I just got back from one of the most boring SD-6 meetings ever. In a change of pace, I don't have a mission tomorrow, which is good. I don't think I'm ready to see him yet…

Syd, shut up. Stop doing that to yourself. Just go inside. Maybe take a bath. See what's on TV. Destroy Will at that Football game he thinks he's so good at. Yeah; that'll cheer you up.

"Hello?" I shout into my house as I walk in. Nothing. Just an echo. At least Francie's still working; there's no way I could come up with enough excuses for her today. So I'm alone. Perfect. The one thing in the whole world I don't want to be, I am. Totally alone.

Dammit Syd, stop that! Can't you complete one sentence without thinking about him? Get a grip!

I put my stuff away, get changed, and sit down in front of the TV. TV will help.

"So after 40 minutes, the Kings trail the Islanders, 4-7…" Vaughn. Click.

"Next on the Home Shopping Network, this beautiful, antique frame…" Vaughn. Click.

"Enter now, and you can win a trip to France for a romantic dinner for two…" Vaughn again. Click.

"In recent celebrity news, Anne Heche is gay again…" Alice?! DAMMIT!

I turn off the TV, throw the converter across the room, and resist the urge to kill the TV. I could. But I'd have a lot of explaining to do. I need a drink. A big one.

As I go to my fridge, I see my toaster. That reminds me of my mom…Which rhymes with VAUGHN! DAMMIT! Syd, breathe. You'll make it. Just get really, really drunk.

Of course, we're out of red wine. Makes sense. I think I'll head out. Go get drunk at a sports bar or something. That way, I can forget all about him. And hope my Kings can pull a win out from their asses. God knows they need it. I'll go to one within walking distance. Just in case.

I grab my coat and purse, lock my door, and start to walk. As I walk, my mind wanders. Wanders back to that night in France. Just thinking about that day makes me feel lighter and lighter, as if soon I'll become one with the wind and be whisked away, taken wherever the wind goes. Only then could I be the air that he breathes…

That night was the best night of my life. Until the shooting started. That's when my fantasy ended. Vaughn and I, together at last. Eating dinner together – in public! Sharing a romantic dinner together, talking freely, drinking too much…Coming so close to spending the night with him…Sleeping with Michael Vaughn…What a thought!

I still don't know how I kept my composure as that key was placed on the table. I remember looking into his deep, green eyes as we both pretended to think about what to do. His eyes were so bright right then…For one moment, his love was expressed through is eyes: they said more than either of us could. Then, the phone call. The shooting. Almost getting killed. Damn you, Kane! We were so close!

Then it was time for me to wake up. Once Vaughn told me we had to abort the counter-mission, I realized that my dream would have to stay that way. If SD-6 is to be destroyed, Vaughn and I must stay as only a Handler and his Asset.

It's not fair. God dammit, it's just not fair! I know I don't sound mature right now, but I don't care! Why is it that everyone in my life that I love has to be taken away by SD-6? Can't I be happy, just once? Is that too much to ask?! Just once, I'd like to be in a relationship with a man that I love that isn't terminated by SD-6: the relationship, or the man…

Ouch. Low blow, Syd. At least you're here now: say bye-bye to sobriety.